Chapter Text
The first thing Estinien felt as he began to stir were fingers running through his hair, the tug of his silver tresses being brushed behind his neck causing him to shiver pleasantly. On the edges of his mind, a hazy image began to form, fleeting and brief - of his previous life, of family. Harsh though the conditions may have been, even before the horror of Dalamud, it mattered little to him as a young lad, for the brutal lash of Coerthan winter and the promise of wilting crops had been stolen by the fiery warmth of his loved ones. When before he would have pulled away from such a vision, he now leaned into it, like a kitten nuzzling into an outstretched palm. He sighed, the gentle caresses never faltering. Estinien could feel his Mother’s hands gathering the flyaways at the base of his neck, how his eyes fluttered shut as he relaxed, but he could not feel the pull to his tender scalp that was sure to come after as she wrestled the thick strands into a hair elastic, nor the kiss she would press to his cheek that he would swiftly wipe away.
Estinien swam farther into this once-forgotten memory, but his mother was no longer near. Perhaps she’d wandered to the kitchenette to brew that awful tea she was partial to, the one that Father hated - even so, fingers continued to stroke his hair. He could see his father lacing up his mud-caked boots, and his younger brother, Hamignant, suddenly appeared like a glimmering specter. He pouted at Estinien behind a thick white fringe. Though Estinien would roll his eyes at Hamignant’s pitiful countenance, he would assure his sibling that he would return once his chores were finished, and his brother would smile at the promise of a playdate and the chance to romp in the snow and mud. Then, Estinien would traipse behind his father, bracing his small body against the inevitable cold of winter as the door flung open. But the air that greeted him was moist and warm - that of a Gridanian summer’s night. And again, Ferndale ceased to exist.
“Mother?”
Estinien dared to crack his eyes open. He steeled himself against reality, against the dull ache that would surely throb in his chest after revisiting such a memory. Instead, he smiled, the absence of his family upon his awakening a mere echo of hurt.
His neck ached, and his arm was nigh drained of its circulation, but the sight of his small companion’s form pressing into his side gave worth to his predicament. It had been Alphinaud, carding delicate fingers through his hair and peering up at him sleepily from where his cheekbone molded against Estinien’s shoulder. The boy hadn’t saved him from his dream, no, rather he guided him back to reality, to the inn they shared in Radz-at-Han.
“I’m sorry for waking you. You were mumbling.”
Rubbing his eyes, the older Elezen hummed in response as he reabsorbed his surroundings. ‘Twas a gaudy room that Estinien had scarcely scraped up the coin for, but the bed was quite comfortable, accommodating the two long-limbed Elezen nicely, although Alphinaud would always be rather small for a Wildwood. Despite the scratchy duvet beneath him and the sweltering heat of Thavnair, he found that he was content. The source of that tranquility was curled up against him, warm and reassuring.
“...Dozed off.”
Truly, he hadn't meant to fall asleep. Sleep had never come easy to Estinien before, but maybe that was beginning to change. The nightmares that once plagued him were becoming more and more infrequent; it seemed that the trite adage of "time healing all wounds" had some truth to it, after all. But more than likely, Alphinaud's relentless optimism and idealism was beginning to rub off on him...
“Hmm... ‘Tis time for me to return to Garlemad, afore Alisaie interrogates me for my absence,” said Alphinaud, smiling wryly. He detached his hand from Estinien’s hair and gave a mighty stretch, the joints in his sinewy limbs popping pleasantly. He squirmed closer to the older man and pressed a kiss to his lips and then his chin, rubbing the arch of his foot against his bedmate’s calf.
“And you wanted me to see you off? Well, you will need to release me for that to happen,” Estinien taunted.
“Oh, ever the tease,” replied Alphinaud, grinning fondly at his partner and giving his chest a light slap. “I could lie here a moment longer, I suppose. Though I do hope you will take rest whilst I’m away. You need it.”
“Heh. I was sound asleep ‘til you pet me awake.”
Alphinaud refrained from mentioning that Estinien had very much cuddled into his touch, and that his incoherent ramblings as he slept had concerned him. The older of the two huffed and added, “I jest. I merely meant to rest my eyes. Vrtra demands much of my attention, so full glad am I to have your company, if only for a moment.”
He kissed the boy’s forehead, curling his numb arm around his shoulders and flexing his wrist until the pins and needles abated.
“If I’m being entirely honest, I’d love nothing more than to hide in this room with you ‘til the sun rises. However, I shan’t hear the end of it if my sister discovers that I abandoned my duties to sleep in with you.”
Estinien grunted, but offered another rare, small smile, searching his partner’s young face adoringly. A sentiment the man would all but deny had anyone been watching. Alphinaud was a young man of twenty-two summers now, and although an adult in every sense, the burdens he willingly shouldered would have caused anyone else to collapse by now. That he would sacrifice a scant extra bell of respite to save Alisaie from her loneliness made his heart swell familiarly.
‘Tis… simply his way.
“Besides, I know you’re just itching to get back to your duties, as well…”
Estinien raised a slender eyebrow at that. He would be the first to admit that he was not the most… discerning individual. Taciturn and blunt, the subtleties of others’ emotions did not always appear so obvious to him - something he found frustrating particularly when navigating social gatherings - but his boy, he knew. He knew how a firm grip to his shoulder made Alphinaud relax, how a kiss to the shell of his ear would make him shiver, how violence made him grit his teeth in a bout of suppressed anger, but this was unfamiliar.
"What’s on your mind, boy?” the dragoon asked.
“Nothing!” he exclaimed, azure eyes wide. “Well… I…. Forgive me, but I do have to ask. When will I see you again? Shall I make another trip back to Thavnair? Or perhaps I could arrange something in Garlemald. But come to think of it, the Garleans are stretched thin enough as it is, with-”
“Alphinaud, allow me to respond,” said Estinien with a smirk. So the boy was feeling insecure. A feeling he was all too familiar with, even though no one would think that of him merely by looking. He sighed heavily, shifting to lie fully on his back. His companion took that as an opportunity to hunker down farther, tucking his head beneath the older’s chin and listening to the steady rhythm of his heart. At least this way, his lover could not see the embarrassment creeping up his neck. He fiddled idly with Estinien’s scarf, twirling a loose thread over his delicate fingers. “I meant to tell you before: I will return to Ishgard for a time, although I know not for how long. Aymeric says it’s important,” he muttered the last part to himself.
“Oh. I see.”
He craned his neck to glimpse at the boy’s face, to see if he might read the boy's expression. Alphinaud pursed his lips, weighing his words carefully, his mouth opening and closing before he found his voice. “I am sure you’re aware that tension between Garlemald and Ishgard is still high, so travel via aetheryte between the two nations will prove rather… difficult.
“Aye. You have your papers. There is no need to fret.”
“W-well not only that. Re-entry into Ishgard will be no small task seeing as the scions no longer have the assets we once did. There’s much to take into account. The cost of food to replenish my aether after traveling, for instance, and the entrance fee…” The more the young scholar spoke, the more unrealistic it seemed to simply follow the dragoon back to Ishgard. And that meant even more time apart. “Perhaps I could ask Mother-”
“No.” Estinien cut him off before he could make mention of Ameliance, and while he tried not to take offense at the fact that his paramour trusted him so little with coin to even ask for his assistance (to be fair, his coinpurse was rather anemic at the moment), he bit back any snarky replies threatening to surface.
“I apologize, then,” the boy mumbled, hiding his face.
Alphinaud was not one to complain, nor was he forthright when personally offended, and the former Knight was not one to pry, particularly when it came to emotions. But that didn’t mean he lacked emotion, and so with a petulant attitude that would have put his younger brother to shame, Estinien rolled his eyes, grateful that Alphinaud was no longer looking at him.
“Have I upset you?” he asked, hesitant. He cupped Alphinaud’s bicep, pulling him closer.
“No, no! I only wish we made more time for one another. This,” he continued, “I miss this when you’re gone.”
Estinien loathed the way that made his heart pound.
“Then perhaps you could accompany me.”
“Accompany you? Forgive me, but I’m not sure I understand.”
“Was my suggestion truly so complex? And here I thought you were the academic,” the dragoon huffed, the tips of his ears burning rolanberry red. Mayhap that was a bit harsh, but would his boy make him beg? “‘Twould be better if you simply returned with me. If you were to become a resident, you could come and go as you please.”
“You mean… I would live with you? In Ishgard?”
Alphinaud struggled to quell the excitement bubbling inside of his chest, propping himself up on a bony elbow to gaze at Estinien. If that was what he was insinuating, then…
But, as candid as his lover could be at times, he also had the tendency to be quite cryptic when it came to putting words to his feelings. A remnant of being bound by Nidhogg’s essence, his basic emotions fiercely guarded against that wicked Eye for much of his life.
“Aye. I see no reason not to. I have been feeling…. Much the same when it comes to us. I detest our time apart as much as you do, boy.”
And just like that, joy and relief burst from his heart, unrestrained and contagious.
“Oh, Estinien,” Alphinaud sighed. Before Estinien could make a snide remark, probably about how the boy needn’t gaze at him like some lovesick maiden, the young scholar was leaning across him, gripping his face in both of his small hands. He placed several firm kisses to Estinien’s lips, smiling as the man clutched at his waist and pulled him to lie on top of him. He couldn't deny how he loved the way those long, slender legs flanked his hips, and unconsciously ran his hand up the undressed silk of his thigh, until his hand trailed beneath his nightshirt to rest on the small of Alphinaud's back.
“Mm, would that I had suggested this sooner,” Estinien said between kisses. “But you did look rather precious, fraught with worry as you were.”
Alphinaud ignored his quip, pulling an ilm away from his lips to breathe against them. “‘Tis a splendid idea, Estinien. To live with you. To share this life with you, after everything we’ve been through.” His eyes stung with tears, his face threatening to contort. Estinien smiled, running the pad of his thumb over a warm cheekbone, to catch his tears before they could fall. How he loathed to see the boy cry, even if it was out of happiness. Without warning, he flipped him on his back, and Alphinaud cradled him between his thighs with a sharp gasp as his head gently bounced against the pillow, peering up at the man whose loose, silver hair cascaded around their faces.
“Save your tears, boy,” Estinien commanded. “As I’ve told you before, you have my lance. My heart. And I would be honoured to share my life with you, as long as you will have me. The things you've done for me… I can never repay you, but by the Fury, do I mean to try...”
Alphinaud smiled at those sweet words, delivered from such a gruff voice. He was locked in the intense gray of Estinien's eyes, entranced and dazed, and Thaliak take him, he never wanted to leave.
“I love you," he finally mustered. "I love you, Estinien."
It didn't matter how often he said it, that declaration always made the dragoon's heart melt. Alphinaud's tender, cerulean gaze, filled with more affection than he'd truly felt he deserved, the way he said it, as if breathless from the intensity of his feelings...
“I love you, too.”
Estinien hid his embarrassed smile in the crook of Alphinaud’s neck, peppering soft kisses along his throat and then into his jaw. He was so soft, so fragile, and small beneath his much larger body. The boy wiggled fruitlessly beneath him, pushing at his shoulders with a laugh.
“Estinien! I still have duties to attend to,” he gasped, but his hands betrayed him as they clutched to his lover's broad shoulders, his neck craning to give those thin, moist lips more access to his flesh. "Heavens, if you don't stop…"
He kissed a path across Alphinaud's collarbone, humming softly as he made to give the other side of his neck attention. "Fine," Estinien conceded, although not before he pecked once more at the scholar's throat. He pulled away, admiring the way Alphinaud's chest heaved and cheeks flushed hot pink.
With a breathless laugh, Alphinaud beamed up at him, his jubilance palpable and infectious. Estinien returned the smile; these feelings, the familiar warmth in his gut that he thought only his parents and sibling could provide, was blossoming anew in the pit of his stomach.
Because family is family, after all, and gladly would he cherish this new addition. No matter what.