Work Text:
DAVE: hey look at this
KARKAT: WHAT?
KARKAT: OH
KARKAT: NO. WE ARE NOT GETTING THOSE.
DAVE: what why not
DAVE: its only like
DAVE: you know what i cant even tell if this is cheap or not
DAVE: we are so fucking rich like
DAVE: this could be the most expensive shower curtain here and i couldnt even tell
DAVE: or care
DAVE: cause look at it this thing is great
KARKAT: I AM LOOKING AT IT. I PHYSICALLY CANNOT LOOK AWAY FROM IT. ITS EYES ARE STARING UNBLINKINGLY INTO MINE, AS IF CHALLENGING. CHALLENGING ME TO ATTEMPT TO EVEN THINK OF ANYTHING TO SAY WHEN FACED WITH SUCH HORROR, SUCH AN ABOMINATION. I AM TRAPPED LOOKING THE DEVIL IN THE FACE AND IT'S A LITTLE YELLOW GNOME THING IN OVERALLS HOLDING A BANANA.
KARKAT: I CANNOT FUCKING IMAGINE TRYING TO TAKE A SHOWER WITH THESE THINGS LEERING AT ME. I FEEL LIKE ONE OF THEM IS GOING TO REACH OUT OF THE CURTAIN AND TRY TO SHANK ME.
KARKAT: *WITH* THE FUCKING BANANA.
KARKAT: YOU'RE GOING TO HEAR A SCREAM FROM THE ABLUTION BLOCK AND WHEN YOU COME IN ALL YOU'RE GOING TO SEE IS A BLOCK ABSOLUTELY STREAKED IN SHITTY RED MUTANT SLIME, CURTAIN IN TATTERS FROM MY FEEBLE ATTEMPTS TO FIGHT BACK. BUT IT WAS ALL IN VAIN!!! IN THE CENTER OF THE GOREY MESS, SITTING IN THE ABLUTION TRAP, IS A LONE BANANA, RISEN VICTORIOUS, INCAPABLE OF FEELING ANY GUILT FOR WHAT IT HAS DONE.
KARKAT: THAT FRUIT WAS THE LAST THING I EVER SAW, AND IT'S ALL YOUR FUCKING FAULT FOR BUYING THIS CURTAIN.
DAVE: dude its just a minion curtain
KARKAT: DAVE. WHAT THE BULGELICKING *FUCK* IS A MINION?
DAVE: theyre like
DAVE: ok so dirk showed me this movie a couple weeks ago
KARKAT: OH, WELL THAT'S A GREAT START.
DAVE: shut up man
DAVE: so it came out in like 2010 i think in that universe
DAVE: i guess it wouldve come out in mine if the world didnt end but
DAVE: yeah tbh its probably for the best
DAVE: it was an ok movie if you ignore the minions
DAVE: but we only watched it ironically
KARKAT: WHAT IS IRONIC ABOUT THIS?
DAVE: you wouldnt get it
DAVE: maybe when youre older
KARKAT: DOES THAT MEAN YOU DON'T KNOW?
KARKAT: *IS* THIS IRONIC? DO YOU LIKE THESE THINGS?
KARKAT: DO YOU GENUINELY AND SINCERELY ENJOY MINIONS?
DAVE: naw man come on
DAVE: whys this gotta be a thing
DAVE: its just a shower curtain
KARKAT: LOOK AT IT.
DAVE: i am looking at it
KARKAT: LOOK.
DAVE: woah you dont need to shove it in my face man
DAVE: im looking
DAVE: its
DAVE:
DAVE: ok
DAVE: yeah you have a point
KARKAT: OF COURSE I HAVE A POINT. THE POINT IS THAT THIS PLANET HAS ALREADY CREATED THE WORST THING THAT WILL EVER EXIST ON ITS SURFACE, AND IT IS THIS ABLUTION CURTAIN. THE GOOD THING IS THAT IT'S ALL UPHILL FROM HERE. THE BAD THING IS THAT WE'RE NEVER GOING TO BE ABLE TO SLEEP AGAIN WITHOUT SEEING MINIONS.
DAVE: why are we even shopping for shower curtains anyway
DAVE: cant we just alchemize something
KARKAT: DO YOU KNOW HOW TO ALCHEMIZE ABLUTION CURTAINS?
DAVE: um
DAVE: yeah nah im drawin a blank here
KARKAT: EXACTLY.
DAVE: ok
DAVE: so we are not getting the minion one
KARKAT: WE ARE NOT GETTING THE MINION ONE.
DAVE: damn
DAVE: can i get something else with a minion on it
KARKAT: N
KARKAT: I.
KARKAT: WILL YOU LET IT GO IF I LET YOU GET SOMETHIN WITH A MINION ON IT?
DAVE: oh absolutely i will set it free like a dove
DAVE: leaning out the window watchin it spread its wings and soar
DAVE: fly my child
DAVE: fly
DAVE: you are free now
KARKAT: OKAY.
Karkat chooses to ignore that statement for Dave's own sake. That's what love is about. They continue to traverse the aisles of the Earth-C-Mart for a few minutes. Karkat sees Gamzee a bit further back in the store attempting to eat a live carapacian, and decides to speed up before either Gamzee sees him or Dave sees Gamzee. May god help that carapacian. Or not, because Dave and Karkat are gods, and neither of them are going to help that carapacian.
KARKAT: HERE. THEY HAVE SOME PLUSH BEASTS OVER THIS WAY.
DAVE: oh sick
DAVE: man they just have like a whole pile of these
DAVE: hey look at this one
KARKAT: IS
KARKAT: IS THAT SUPPOSED TO BE ME?
DAVE: its a perfect likeness
DAVE: its even got the little nubby horns and
DAVE: weird messy hair made out of yarn
KARKAT: MY HAIR ISN'T ANYTHING LIKE THAT!!! I USE CONDITIONER!
DAVE: i dont get the point of conditioner
DAVE: shampoo cleans your hair what do you even need to do after that
KARKAT: YOUR HAIR'S LIKE FUCKING HOOFBEAST GRASS.
DAVE: what
KARKAT: HAY. WHATEVER.
KARKAT: WHY IS THERE A PLUSH VERSION OF MYSELF HERE AND WHY DIDN'T I KNOW ABOUT IT?
DAVE: i mean shit idk
DAVE: did you copyright yourself
KARKAT: HUH?
DAVE: if you didnt copyright yourself then technically its fair game
DAVE: anybody can just start sellin karkats
DAVE: not literal karkats but
DAVE: or
DAVE: i guess with ectobiology you probably could just sell actual karkats
DAVE: 3 bucks a grub buy one get one free
DAVE: romcom collection not included
KARKAT: IF ANYONE IS ACTUALLY DOING THAT, I WILL ACTUALLY DISEMBOWEL THEM. I'M NOT KIDDING. I WAS RAISED ON A PLANET WHERE PEOPLE MURDERED EACHOTHER IN MY FRONT YARD ON A REGULAR BASIS. I WOULD DO IT.
DAVE: naw for real thatd be so fucked up can you imagine
DAVE: were getting this though
DAVE: im namin him lil karkles
KARKAT: THAT'S THE SHITTIEST THING YOU COULD POSSIBLY NAME HIM.
KARKAT: IT.
KARKAT: FUCK.
DAVE: lol
KARKAT: LOOK. ARE YOU GOING TO GET A MINION, OR IS THIS BASTARDIZATION OF MY IMAGE ENOUGH FOR YOU?
DAVE: fuck i forgot the minion
DAVE: ...
DAVE: here i found one its one of those ones with one eye
KARKAT: UGH.
DAVE: look
KARKAT: HUH
KARKAT: NO
KARKAT: STOP MAKING THEM KISS!
DAVE: karkat are you homophobic
DAVE: are you being homophobic right now
KARKAT: *I LITERALLY LIKE MEN!!!!!!*
Several carapacians strewn about the store look over at Karkat.
DAVE: WHAT ARE YOU LOOKING AT SO WHAT IF HE LIKES MEN HUH
The carapacians quickly return to what they were doing.
DAVE: the nerve of some people really
DAVE: anyway
DAVE: so we got the plushies
DAVE:
DAVE: what else did we come here for
KARKAT:
KARKAT: THE
KARKAT: NOT MINIONS. IT HAD NOTHING TO DO WITH MINIONS.
DAVE: it had so little to do with minions in fact that it becomes about the ABSCENCE of minions
DAVE: thus making it actually about minions all along
KARKAT:
KARKAT: YOU KNOW WHAT? WHATEVER. LET'S JUST GO HOME AND, UM... I DON'T KNOW. DO YOU WANT TO PLAY THAT SKATEBOARDING GAME?
DAVE: aww fuck yeah
DAVE: what if we invite june over
KARKAT: SHE SUCKS AT THAT GAME.
DAVE: exactly its great somehow she manages to blow up the skateboard i dont think they even programmed that in
KARKAT: OKAY, IT *IS* REALLY FUNNY TO WATCH. LET'S GO.
Later that night, after several hours of skateboard explosions and clipping into the railing...
KARKAT: ABLUTION CURTAINS.
DAVE: hhhwuhg what
DAVE: stop moving i was about to fall asleep
KARKAT: WE WERE GOING TO BUY ABLUTION CURTAINS.
DAVE: oh
DAVE: shit