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The only sound in the room was the wood burning, and, once in a while, pages being turned.
Remus was happy, and he was savouring every second of it. After all, these little pleasant and peaceful moments didn’t happen often. The empty common room itself was unusual, but the quietness and loneliness were too for him.
This bubble was perfect. Alright, it was a little dark -except for the few candles and the fireplace-, and it was chilly due to the open window. Still, Remus preferred to use a sweater, to be covered by a blanket and to be able to see the stars clearly.
A satisfied sight escaped his lips and he sank further into the cushions.
It was almost three in the morning on a Wednesday, everyone was asleep except for a very insomniac Remus Lupin. Since he was little, Remus had some difficulties regarding his sleep schedule. Honestly, it wasn’t his fault. What were you expecting from a person who has been tearing themselves apart and literally becoming another being -with another body and mind-? That they wouldn’t get nightmares about it?
Not only that, Remus was an overthinker which had its positive and negatives sides. For starters, he felt proud that his mind wandered to different topics -having an opinion on everything with a detailed chain of thoughts. Everything had a meaning, sentiment and analysis. Remus liked the order and to feel smart, even if he sometimes didn’t believe so. On the other hand, revising every situation, emotion, person and theory was bloody exhausting. Don’t get him even started on how stressful it could get.
However, this negative side hadn’t been as annoying as when he realized he was in love with his best friend. His male best friend. His heartbreaker, straight, male best friend.
Usually, when he was ready to fell asleep and had prepared himself to be drowned in his nightmares, Sirius would occupy his mind. He would think about his eyes, his smile, his hair and his goddamn laugh. What’s even worse, is that Remus would recall some moments of the day in which Sirius could have acted differently; could have sent an indirect to Remus that indicated that he liked him. This process came uninvited and never warned how much time it would take.
So that’s why Remus is in the common room, being hugged by silence and burying himself in a good plot. When he read, his thought gave in.
“Moony?” The reason of why it was almost impossible to be alone, entered the room. Sirius was tip-toeing his way down the stars and was confused to see Remus awake.
“Yes?” Remus gave a look to Sirius. His hair was tied in a half, messy bun, he was putting on his leather jacket on top of some muggle clothes -which fitted him so well- and wore a calm expression.
“Having nightmares again?” Usually, when nightmares were too bad for Remus to realize if they were real or not, he screamed and woke Sirius up in consequence. The other boy would sit on his bed and talk to him until Remus forgot all about his bad dreams. It was easy, though, losing yourself in Sirius’ voice in the middle of quietness, and to feel his warmth along with a kind stare. In those moments, Remus wanted to reach him, to ask him to stay? And to beg to please, hold me like I want to hold you? Or to touch him in a way that said Thank you, I don’t know what’d do without you. To kiss him.
“Yes.” Remus simply said because lying was much easier than to say: No, it’s just, you know, I can’t stop thinking how you would feel next to me, on top of me, against me… Remus shook his head and directed him eyes to the book once again. “What about you?”
“Seein’ someone.” Even if Remus wasn’t looking at him, he knew he had a smirk. Sirius was the kind of person that bragged about how often he shagged, how far, for how long, etcetera. Naturally, Remus hated when he did it. Well, actually, he couldn’t care less about it despite the person, but when Sirius gave a deep narrative of his actions about with someone, he despised it. Nonetheless, he was his friend, so Remus tried to keep a smile and nod along when it happened.
“Good luck.” Remus mumbled without taking his eyes off the book.
“Ta’.” Sirius said -Remus dared to say- a tad awkward. But he might have imagined it, because the other boy kept walking until he was about to open the portrait. “Don’t stay up late.”
Remus waved vaguely in his direction. Sirius still didn’t leave, though. At the corner of his eyes Remus could see the other boy still standing there, kind of edgy.
“Alright, bye.” Sirius spoke again.
“Bye.” Remus set the book aside to grab a cigarette. His head would probably race the moment Sirius left. Who was he with? Were they dating? Is he in love? But Sirius hadn’t got out yet. His eyes remained on Remus, and as soon as he saw he was about to smoke, he practically jumped of enthusiasm.
“I guess I’ll have one before leaving, won’t be much time to do it when I get there, huh?” Sirius sat next to him and nudged his arm. Remus limited himself to hum, unwilling to give much thought to what Sirius had just said.
Wordlessly, Remus passed him a fag, which was lit by only a snap of his fingers.
They stared at the sky in a comfortable silence. It was moments like this that Remus reminded himself that life could be bearable if you can appreciate the little things. Cheap cigs, a cold breeze, a freckled sky and the boy he loved sitting next to him. In fact, Sirius was very close to him on the couch, thighs pressing against each other in spite of the free space. It wasn’t the first time though, and Remus had long ago decided that it was normal. Sirius was a person that showed his love by physical affection.
“‘M meeting Denise.” Sirius said while exhaling.
So, it was one of those days in which Sirius had the mood to talk about the girls he dated. Oh, boy…
Remus suddenly felt very tired, he sighted, took a puff and answered. “Oh, yeah?” He just hoped his disinterest wasn’t too obvious.
“Yes, I like her.” Sirius glanced at Remus. Fuck. However, his voice wasn’t light and childish, the opposite, really. He was speaking softly and seriously.
“Then why are you sneaking to see her instead of making a show out of it.” When it came to Sirius’ dating life, Remus had realized hat joking was much easier than pretending.
The other boy didn’t answer right away, and Remus finally looked at him.
Even if he wasn’t looking at the moon anymore, he knew it was there by the way it enlightened Sirius’ features. It made him beautiful in a different kind of way. Usually, Sirius’ carried this air of rebellion and confidence, now though, when the wind and brightness kindly brushed his skin, he looked impossibly alluring.
Sirius shrugged. “It was a last minute encounter.”
Not knowing what to say, Remus nodded and looked at the window again. Sirius’ eyes still bore on his side, but he didn’t know what the other man was expecting from him.
“Can I ask you something, Moony?”
“Anything.” It was lame how much he meant it.
“Do you have any idea how to fall out of love?” Sirius’ question took Remus by surprise. They never talked about love of any kind. Maybe family issues sometimes and werewolf ones too, but that was it.
There was something in his eyes, though, close to desperation.
Looking at the other man, Remus already knew the answer. “No. I never did.” As soon as the words left his mouth, Remus wondered if he had said too much.
For the second time, Sirius did something he hadn’t expected: he looked disappointed.
Because while Remus meant he hadn’t fallen out of love, Sirius thought Remus was saying he had never fallen in love in the first place.
When no one spoke, and they only stared at each other’s eyes, Remus couldn’t help but inquire if possibly something was there. Because sometimes they would share a moment. A very meaningful, unique, intimate moment that thrilled Remus. At first, he thought he might be imagining them, that he was convincing himself to look at something that wasn’t there.
However, Remus was now realizing it may be real. How could it not when their stares were so intense and there was a strong connexion pulling the both of them to the other. How could Remus think it wasn’t real when he could see sparks surrounding them. Or at least, that’s what Remus felt: the sparks, the connexion, the love. Perhaps the way he felt about Sirius was so substantial that it could disguise as the love from two people. So it was all in his head.
But.
If there was something, it seemed that Sirius was oblivious of it. Or maybe he ignored them. Either way, he always ignored Remus’ pleading looks and opened his arms to lots of girls.
“Why are you asking?” If Sirius was truly so in love with someone that he wasn’t able to forget them…well let’s just say Remu knew the feeling, but it hurt that it wasn’t directed to him.
Neither was looking at the sky anymore, they left it to other souls from another place in the world that had also sought out the stars and the moon to feel less alone.
Sirius didn’t answer right away, he just gave Remus a subtle, sad glance and sighed. “I asked everyone, and it seems that no suggestion works.”
Actually, after trying with the rest of his friends, Sirius realized that he only wanted to talk about this with Remus, even if he couldn’t. He also wanted to add how he couldn’t keep the heaviness of an unrequited love.
“Well, I don’t know what the other said, but I can try…” He thought about a way to describe his point of view, the way he had already tried to fell out of love but never succeeded. “Alright, when you were little and got your hand stuck somewhere, and you cried because it wouldn’t come off? Well, then an adult kept saying that if had got in, then it could come out? I think it’s like that.”
An amused smile and an endearing look took a hold of Sirius’ expression. “Care to explain a little better than a stupid metaphor?”
Remus couldn’t help but chuckle. “Fine. So, if you weren’t in love before -hand not stuck-, and then you fell for her -hand stuck-, you can get it back out.” It may have been the dim light, but Remus could have sworn Sirius’ smile tightened when Remus said ‘her’.
“But how do I take my hand out?”
“Oh, I don’t know. Think about things you don’t like about Denise.”
“What?! I’m not in love with Denise!” Sirius furrowed his eyebrows.
Holding his hands up in surrender, Remus said. “Sorry! Didn’t mean to offend you, I just thought as you were leaving to see her…” Why would he fool around with so many girls if he was in love with one? It’s not like he couldn’t get any person he wanted. “Anyway, the point it, think about negative traits about her.”
Sirius laughed lovingly. “It doesn’t work like that. When you love someone, there is nothing you don’t like, or at least, it doesn’t matter.”
“Seems you got the whole experience.” Remus was aware of how obvious the discomfort sounded in his words.
“You have no clue.” Sirius sighed once again and stared at Remus with an odd look.
After, they talked a bit more and danced around the topic without taking the entire thing too seriously. Later, Sirius, resigned, would leave to see Denise. They ignored the sparks, the connexion and the love.
That night will be remembered by both of them as thinking they hadn’t been brave enough to word their feeling. They would regret not confessing everything right then and there. Honestly, they had only been two boys that were too confused, too used to being let down, too broken by people who hand’t returned their love. They couldn’t help the hesitation, the insecurities.
But that was fine, because years from now, when they were more mature and comfortable with who they were, they would voice their feelings to each other.
That night wasn’t the right time, and that was alright.