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Josie hasn't always been happy with themselves.
As Josie, people don't often listen to them. "You can't be this, you can't be that, it's probably just a phase." Josie knows they're just a kid in many people's eyes, but it's not like they're ten. And even if they were ten, they still have the right to be whoever they want to be.
No, Josie is seventeen, entering senior year of high school, but oh, of course someone that young would never really understand their sexuality and gender.
As Josie, they just try their best to exist in a world that never seems to have a space for them. No place for someone who rejects the common society's understanding of gender. No place for someone who threatens the status quo, threatens the norm, threatens to scare everyone else around them.
As JC, however...
That's a different story.
-
"And hey, I get it. I've been there," they mumble. "But at the end of the day, you are who you say you are. You're the only expert on yourself. And if others don't believe you, or don't trust you, then I think that says more about them than it does about you, who's literally just existing."
"Yeah," the small voice echoes in the voice chat. "I know that, but it's so hard to believe, to push on."
"I know," JC says, their heart feeling like it's going to break into pieces at hearing that. "I know. But I'm here. The whole server is here for you. No matter what, you will never be alone."
They don't really know how this started. It's not even a Discord server that they started, but for some reason, they're just here... somehow a parental figure at the age of seventeen.
Perks of being a teen parent without actually being a teen parent, they suppose.
And it breaks their heart over and over, but they don't mind. Not as long as the rest of their younger trans friends at least have a safe space with them. Because so many of them are in environments that ignore them, despise them, and actively hurt them for the simple "crime" of being who they are... so that's why no matter what others say, they'll work on carving out a space for all trans people, both binary and non-binary.
-
Well, at least that's what they try to do.
Because at the end of the day, after Discord is closed for the night, Josie has to go back to living in a house that still doesn't understand. They're lucky enough that they aren't immediately shoved back into the closet, but the people that claim to be their family seem to mess up, trying while not really trying.
Josie just wants to wrap up all of their younger friends in the world's largest fuzzy blanket and tell them that everything's going to be okay.
But who's going to do that for Josie?
And even if they were going to be able to do something like that, they can't just lie to them. They can't just tell them everything's going to be okay when so many people like them are killed, when people continue to try to pass laws to get them hurt, when people refuse to try to understand that all they want to just exist.
-
"What do you need?"
They don't even know who's asking, because they're floating in some sort of limbo.
"I just want everyone to be happy, to be loved, to just be."
There's a tsk, tsk, tsk.
"No, I asked what you need."
Isn't it sad that they don't have an answer?
-
There's a new addition to their little safe space of the internet. A girl named Em, which is a pretty cute name if they do say so themselves.
She's new to everything. She's been vaguely familiar with the community, thanks to some of her friends being a part of the LGBT community, but she's still very new to being in it herself.
They immediately bonded over their shared interest of Dream SMP. Admittedly, Josie isn't the most caught up on the lore, but they try their best to. They're mostly just a fan of the content creators themselves while Em tries her best to fill them in with little bits and pieces of lore that's essential to interacting with the fandom.
"Wait, so if I'm a girl," she types in the chat, because she's not comfortable with voice chat (which is fair, because anxiety and dysphoria combined is a bitch). "And I like girls, does that make me a lesbian?"
"If you're a girl and you like girls, sure! Do you like boys too?"
"Uhm, I mean... I don't think so? Before I realized I was a girl, I always said I was straight, so now I'm just confused."
"You can be whoever you want to be," JC types with a smile. "It sounds like you're a lesbian to me. But you know, it's okay if you end up feeling differently about it down the road. There's no right or wrong here. It's just you."
-
With Em, things change a little.
See, she's the same age as them, basically. She offers very vague information about herself, which is completely fair. Internet safety first, after all, even if you want to make internet friends. But there's no harm in at least sharing your age, especially if that's the only thing you share about yourself.
With Em, it's a lot easier for both of them to really see each other. They're both young adults, more excited than ever to live their own lives. They don't take on the nurturing role with Em, that they do with the rest of the server, whose average age is about fourteen to fifteen. It feels a bit more like friendship with Em than it is a parental figure role with everyone else.
They're pretty grateful that Em ended up on this side of the internet.
-
"How is your family with it all?" Em asks one day.
JC doesn't respond for a moment. Sure, the others had asked before, but they had usually brushed it off. They don't want everyone else to worry about them on top of their own problems.
But this time, they kind of want to be honest with their new friend.
"You know, it could be better," JC types. "I've come out to them once, and I thought that was it. But it seems like I have to remind them a lot. Sometimes I wonder why I even bother."
Em types for a few seconds, then stops. This happens over and over again, until finally the message is sent.
"Wow. I'm sorry. That's sort of the thing that I'm afraid of, actually," the message reads. "I don't want to have to come out to someone and later have to find out that they were never really listening to me. There's a difference between listening to the words come out of my mouth and actually hearing what I have to say."
Josie laughs.
Em's managed to hit the nail right on the head, voicing a thought that they've never really been able to figure out how to voice.
"Yeah," JC replies. "So that's why I try to listen to everyone here. And give them what I always wanted, because everyone deserves to be heard."
"You're a gift to everyone here, JC," is the immediate response. "Trust me, I know everyone here thinks the same thing."
-
It's the limbo again.
"Why do you continue doing this?"
"It makes me happy," they mumble.
"Why? They're strangers on the internet."
"There's a person behind the screen. And as long as there's a person behind the screen wanting desperately to just be loved, then that's what I'm going to give them. Because if I can convince one person that they're enough, that they can be loved, that they will always deserve love, then that's a job-well-done to me."
And, you know what? That's actually a satisfactory answer to them.
-
Em turns into Clementine.
It's a really nice name, too. Honestly, it just fits.
And as time goes by, with Clementine giving updates on coming out to her friends and family, Em opens up too.
"You know, one day, I'd like to open up a cafe of sorts."
"What, really?"
"Yeah, like. A place where the LGBT community can congregate, hold meetings, learn about resources, or just hang out with others like them."
"Yeah, you know what? That does sound nice actually."
"I just want a place for people like me. Because they deserve to have a place they can go to, when they need help."
"You think a lot about other people."
"I guess?"
"Well, don't overdo yourself. Think of it this way: you can't help others if you're dead."
-
"My parents kicked me out," is the first thing they hear, and shit, it's Evelyn speaking, whose biggest fear was her family rejecting her.
Isn't it horrible when your biggest fear comes true?
"Hey, hey, are you safe?"
"A friend's picking me up and letting me stay with him," which makes Josie sigh in relief. "I knew I needed a backup plan, but I didn't think I had to use it..."
"I'm so sorry, Ev..."
"Don't be, it's not like you did this," Evelyn sighs. "I just wanted to be loved, you know?"
"You are," JC declares. "I love you, Evelyn. Please let me know if you need anything. If there's anything I can do, I'll try my best."
"Thanks, JC," she sighs. "I just wish you were actually my parent. In real life."
Josie's lips twitch upwards.
-
Josie isn't parent material in real life, they think. In real life, they don't protest when their deadname is used in real life. In real life, when people use the wrong pronouns, they just sit there and take it.
It's easy to yell trans rights are human rights online, but in real life, they don't need to be another target for a hate crime.
The truth is, even with people being more aware of trans identities and pronouns on the internet, there's still so much more work to be done. And well, how much work can a seventeen-year-old really accomplish on that front?
All they can do is to continue to love themselves and their friends silently. As long as they have that little revolution in their heart, then they can keep going, keep fighting in their soul.
-
"Welcome to the stream, boys," TommyInnit croons out to the camera, and then clears his throat. "And also the women. And the uh... everyone else."
Josie raises an eyebrow.
"I have a pretty important announcement to make, and Tubbo told me to make sure that I added a..." He clears his throat. "A slash S-R-S. Apparently, that means I'm serious, but come on, chat, you guys all know I'm very serious, all of the time, right?"
A bunch of responses zoom by on chat, but Tommy isn't even looking at those, probably provoking them just for the sake of it.
"Well, here goes, then."
A moment passes by. It's a really long moment, and Josie resists the urge to check the calendar because it's way too early (or late, depending on how you look at it) for an April Fool's joke.
"I'm Clementine."
Josie drops the glass of water they're holding, but they can't even begin to care, when the next few words come out of the streamer's mouth.
"Named after the theoretical moth."
-
Oh my god.
Oh my god.
Oh my god.
Clementine, her friend, the one they coached through? The one who they helped out with coming out, with understanding herself, with loving herself and loving being trans?
That was-- That was her?
A quick refresh of social media shows that, yes, this wasn't some sort of sick prank.
It's ClemInnit.
Oh my god.
You've got to be joking.
-
hey.
so i imagine you have a lot of questions right now.
you know, uhm.
yeah.
you're right
i do
well, go ahead
well, um
i don't know where to start
let's vc
let's start there
-
"Hey, JC."
"Oh my god, that's actually you," they blurt out, then cover their face with their hands. "Shit, sorry, I just... oh my god."
"Honestly? Not even the worst way a fan has come up to me," she says, amused.
"Well, that's not that reassuring or comforting, is it?"
"Probably not," she admits. "But that's just how it is, sometimes, you know?"
"So... uhm..." Josie lets out a breath. "Big woman?"
"Big woman," Clementine echoes, then laughs. "It's relieving to be able to say that aloud. I'm a big woman, the biggest woman, JC."
A wave of euphoria travels through them. "I'm so proud of you."
"Really?"
"Yeah, I..." They let out a small breath. "I would never have been able to come out and just say that, in front of all those people. I just... wow."
"... It means a lot to me that you say that, JC." She hums a little. "You really helped me out a lot, you know? Explaining to me more about the community, letting me know that I wasn't alone, and just, in general, being there while I experimented and just... learned to be myself."
Josie's mouth feels really, really dry right now.
"So, yeah, thank you so much, JC."
"Fuck, I swore to myself I wouldn't cry or freak out," Josie admits. "But god, that's just what I've always wanted."
"If I can convince one person they're loved," Clementine hums. "Right?"
"Yeah..."
"Trust me, JC," Clementine says, as the tears start to flow down Josie's cheeks. "You've done that, probably a million times over."
-
Clementine "Big Woman" Innit had just started out as Em, being nervous and scared and lost. But now, she's turned out even more powerful than Josie themselves. The strength, the courage, the power... she's more than earned the right to call herself a big woman.
And... well...
Maybe it's time to gather a little bit of their own strength in their own life. To not be JC, a parental figure on the internet to younger trans friends...
But to just be Josie, a non-binary person who can and will carve out a space for themselves in their everyday life.
-
"I'm sure he won't mind--"
"They."
The silence is thick in the air, and Josie looks around. The person speaking has just paused, looking them in the eyes. They've never done this before, try to correct someone in real life. Usually, they just let it slide, but if they're going to be standing up for themselves, then Josie's... Josie's...
Josie knows they have to push back against all of the fear in their mind.
"I use they/them pronouns."
And then their friend smiles. "Right. I'm sure they won't mind at all, right?"
Josie lets out a breath. Not as bad as it could have gone. Their friends just need a reminder, because they're not used to it. But at the end of the day, their friends love them.
But that doesn't mean that they will stand for being misgendered by their own friends again. And step by step, little by little, Josie will gather the courage to just be themselves in their own life.
Because the internet is one place. That's where JC lives. That's where JC's educating others about the trans community. That's where JC's helping out younger trans kids who are just learning to navigate a world that still doesn't really understand them.
And maybe eventually, Josie will bridge the gap between JC and Josie. Because JC's wishes should apply to themself too. Because Josie deserves to have the same confidence and courage that they preach on the internet. Because JC shouldn't just be an internet persona. Because Josie deserves to be listened to, to be heard.
Clementine says JC helped her out a ton. But fuck, she'll be over the moon if she realizes that she's helped Josie out too.