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There are a few things that keep him at ease these days, and though he hates to admit it, mindless chatter is on top of that short list. It’s a distraction first and foremost. Something to occupy his time with. Something to keep his mind from clinging onto other matters— from dissecting past events; conversations; thoughts; beliefs that, combined, lead back to thoughts about Atsumu.
Secondly, it’s comforting. Blabbering is not a specialty of his, but oddly enough, it's helping neutralize the turmoil of emotions he currently carries. It’s as if, regardless of how he feels or how everything seems to be going wrong, being capable of carrying a conversation with another human being fulfils something inside him. This is why he has been social these couple of weeks. At least with people he knows aren’t looking to talk to him about Atsumu. Friends from university and family mostly.
Something his mother seems concerned about once he gets to voicing it a few minutes into their conversation. Sakusa hears a soft hum and then she goes silent long enough for it to be clear she is thinking about something. That has him regretting ever reaching for the phone so early in the morning.
“So that’s why…” she starts, trailing off but Sakusa can guess a variation of statements that could have followed those words. That’s why you’ve been calling so much lately. That’s why you haven’t visited. That’s why you won’t talk about Atsumu.
“Forget I said anything,” Sakusa says, regrettably too late. He knows his mom won’t drop the subject. In fact, she is going to tell his dad and most likely his siblings before she calls her brother to see what he has heard from Sakusa’s cousin.
“What happened?” His mom then asks and Sakusa thinks of hanging up the phone. He thinks about the distance between them and how he can probably avoid her for a week, maybe two. He then thinks about Atsumu and how disappointed he would be if he found out.
“We broke up.” He says, the words feeling fake on his tongue even though he has said them enough times for them to sink deep in his heart.
There is silence for a moment and then his mom finally replies. “The truth please.”
Sakusa chokes back a laugh, his shoulder moving to keep the phone in place against his ear while he cracks his knuckles to keep his hands busy instead of shaking like they do when thinking about the breakup. “That is the truth. We broke up.”
It takes a little more convincing before his mom finally believes him. But even so, by the time she hangs up the phone, she still refuses to believe Sakusa is entirely at fault. She keeps trying to convince Sakusa that miscommunication can build a barrier between them but that doesn’t mean the barrier can’t be broken down.
“Even if Atsumu doesn’t want to talk right now, he will eventually.” She tells him as parting words and Sakusa hums but doesn’t agree with her, he is too busy looking at a mirror. Tousled hair, wrinkled clothes, pale skin, bags under his eyes.
“He is your soulmate,” She also reminds him as if Sakusa doesn’t think about that every moment of the day while he continues to reflect on how he ended up in this situation. As if the very fact that Atsumu is his soulmate isn’t the reason for how things turned out.
It’s because Atsumu is his soulmate that Sakusa was given room to break his heart.
Of course, that’s not something he is ready to voice. At least not until he has a chance to talk to Atsumu— really talk. He owes him that much. Not just to give him a clear opening to Sakusa’s mind and heart but to give him an explanation to the question he knows has been eating at Atsumu’s insecurities since they got together.
Five years of silence, Atsumu wants to understand, and Sakusa has no way to explain.
At least, not in a way that he sees Atsumu accepting. Not in a way worth the tears Atsumu shed or the insecurities he let consume him. Sakusa’s silence has stretched long enough that the damage surpasses any explanation. Even if he shows up on his knees, head bowed down and soul humbled, Sakusa wouldn’t let Atsumu accept anything from him, least of all an apology.
But they are soulmates. Atsumu is his soulmate. Sakusa is Atsumu’s soulmate. Time won’t change that. He feels wrong thinking about it like that, especially when this type of mentality could have helped five years ago. If only he had been mature enough to realize there was no running away from fate.
Well, that had never been the objective. Back then, Sakusa was just protecting his own heart.
(“Kiyoomi, love, isn’t that…” Sakusa’s body goes cold as he slaps the magazine close, leaning forward and turning around from his seat to stare at his mom with his eyes wide open. “Sorry, but that mark on that boy…”
“I don’t know,” Sakusa tells her, his mom finally leans away from him to cross her arms over her chest. Sakusa thinks of diverting the conversation by complaining about her sneaking up on him and looking over his shoulders but his heart is beating too fast Sakusa can’t even hear himself think.
“Is he from your school? Is he a volleyball player?”
“I don’t know,” Sakusa repeats and it’s true. He doesn’t know anything. All he knows is that he was skimming through the magazine before properly reading it, only for his eyes to fall on that picture of— okay, so he knows his name. Miya Atsumu. An up-and-coming setter. His mom doesn’t need to know that.
“His mark looks very identical—“
“I know.” Sakusa interrupts and his mom finally huffs, shaking her head before mumbling something about adolescent boys and walking away. Sakusa watches her go and a minute later when his heart is no longer trying to break through his ribcage, he puts the magazine away. He is not ready for any of that yet.)
Sakusa thinks he probably always knew something like this would happen. It’s not like his view on soulmates has ever been anything hopeful. His parents were soulmates and his older siblings were well on their way to finding their forever with their soulmates. If anything, soulmates were just a fact in life. Sakusa didn’t hold them in any higher value and perhaps that’s what made him numb to the idea.
Or blinded him to the explosion of emotions he felt when he got close to that forever himself.
(“Hey, is that the twins? From Hyogo? I hear a lot of people are cheering for them.” Is the first comment one of his teammates makes that draws the attention of everyone around him. Sakusa is the only one that doesn’t turn around. He is the only one that tries to maintain his composure even though his heart has already skipped a beat and is now pounding against his chest with every other word being spoken.
“I hear they have an attitude problem.”
“They look intimidating.”
“Twins are so cool.”
Sakusa doesn’t look, no matter how much his teammates continue to ramble about them. He doesn’t look.)
Sakusa is passionate about many things. He can’t stop once he starts something. In a way, it’s the same when an idea enters his head. More so when his entire being clings to that idea as the only possible truth.
In this case, Sakusa figured out Miya Atsumu was his soulmate long before he met him (longer than five years, he thinks shamefully). This gave room for his mind to create a narrative with the little he knew about him and the little extra other people told Sakusa about him.
Then, right before officially meeting Atsumu, Sakusa allowed his mind to draw an assumption in regards to their bond.
(“Miya Atsumu,” Atsumu introduces himself and Sakusa almost chokes back his introduction, being caught off guard by this sudden moment even though it was bound to happen.
“Sakusa Kiyoomi,” he hopes he says loud and clear. His heart is beating too loud for him to know for sure.
A second passes, then two.
Atsumu nods and moves past him.)
Atsumu doesn’t care about Sakusa any more than he cares about anyone else—that’s the assumption Sakusa made.
He doesn’t care about me— is what he would always tell himself.
He won’t ever care about me— is what he believed yet prayed and hoped would be untrue the moment they met.
But that wasn’t the case. Years of knowing that Atsumu is his soulmate prepared him for that but it doesn’t mean it hurt any less.
It was like getting stabbed and then later being shoved into cold water. Atsumu merely offered a few seconds up to study Sakusa like any other player in the gym. There was the same interest reserved for anyone with skill but other than that, Atsumu’s eyes held nothing special as they held Sakusa’s gaze. If anything, Sakusa’s personality gave no room for Atsumu to give any more than a nod of acknowledgement.
Sakusa had to watch him walk away already in search of someone else worth the conversation while the word soulmate gets stuck in his throat.
Sakusa is not special. Sakusa is barely worth a few seconds of attention. Atsumu disregarded him as nothing more than another person the moment Sakusa introduced himself as anything but his soulmate. If Atsumu doesn’t care about him without knowing they are soulmates, why should Sakusa share that information and manipulate Atsumu into caring?
Yet Sakusa knows.
He knows that manipulation is never a word Atsumu would use.
He knows he is twisting the narrative to fit his miserable ideology.
He knows he is being unfair for deciding to omit something so precious, so special, so important from someone who eagerly seeks that knowledge. But he is weak. He can’t do anything against himself, he can’t fight his thoughts, he can’t allow his stubbornness to fade, he can’t force his mind to take a second and reflect for the sake of something as sacred as a soulmate bond.
Where is his empathy? Where is the care and love he should hold for his soulmate? Why can’t Sakusa put aside his petty bias instead of letting it feed into his twisted resolution?
Because you’re afraid— his mind tells him again and again as he continues to keep his lips sealed during every training camp he shared with Atsumu throughout high school.
Because you’re selfish— he thinks when he is no longer in high school, no longer training with Atsumu, but still incapable of keeping himself from searching his name on the internet, from prying where he can for any news on his career and his personal life.
Because you’re undeserving— is the last echo in his head when he signs his contract with the Jackals, when he faces Atsumu again, when he watches him continue to show his mark in search of his soulmate undeterred of the time that has passed.
It becomes harder keeping up this act from that moment and onwards. Playing with Atsumu after years of maturing, years of growth, years of distance— it’s different, but in a way, it feels just as suffocating.
For one, Sakusa’s resolve begins to crumble.
Ideas and beliefs he had years ago no longer hold the weight they did back then. Atsumu’s mark, still displayed without shame, begins to draw Sakusa’s attention more and more with each passing day and he doesn’t have the willpower to look away. It’s no surprise that the distance he always kept from Atsumu suddenly begins to shorten over time.
They become friends, Sakusa realizes too late. It takes him no more than a few months to befriend Atsumu and by the time Sakusa comes to understand the predicament he is in, things begin happening too quickly for him to notice the vice grip he had on the steering wheel isn’t enough for him to keep control.
Like fate should have it, volleyball is at the core of it all.
More specifically, that feeling of success, of reaching the summit; it's there. It’s in the air, it’s on the tip of their fingers. The aura around them is suffocating in every right way and there is no stopping the natural course of ambition that follows.
That means training gets more intense and in the process, it’s fun (thrilling, consuming, nerve-wracking, exhilarating). Adrenaline pumps through their veins throughout every hour they put into practice and the thrill of working their bodies sore gives room for carefree moments of rest that feel just as important— leaving room for Sakusa to finally relax and forget for just a moment, a second, an instant that he has a secret to keep.
Isn’t it funny that Sakusa’s world both ends and begins in a moment of carefree contentment?
“Oh my god,” Sakusa still remembers Atsumu’s reaction, “Oh my fucking god.”
Just as well as he remembers the first question he asked. “How long have you known?”
It was never a noble act. There was nothing noble about what Sakusa did. He was stupid. He made a mistake and then he spent years convincing himself he was doing the right thing. Nothing ever made him hate himself more than that question and yet—
He couldn’t even offer the truth. Since I was twelve. Since before I met you. “Since youth camp.”
“Sakusa Kiyoomi,” he had said five years ago and Atsumu had nodded and moved onwards, ripping a piece of Sakusa’s heart on the way.
It must be fate that Atsumu does it again. This time taking the scraps of his heart Sakusa had recovered over the years he spent getting to know him, learning to love him.
You knew this would happen. He hates you. He doesn’t want you— any thought that ever entered his mind about his bond with Atsumu makes itself known the moment Atsumu steps out of the change room without saying a word. It numbs Sakusa.
Yet.
Atsumu is still Atsumu the next day. Atsumu shows up with a smile and he smacks Sakusa where his soul mark rests and he laughs. He is still Atsumu. Practice starts and his serves are precise, his passes are a work of art, his gaze doesn’t lose focus with every set. He is Miya Atsumu, the starting setter of the Black Jackals.
He is Sakusa’s soulmate.
“Omi-kun,” He calls for him after practice and Sakusa, numbed and broken, follows after him.
Then unexpectedly, Atsumu returns his heart in one piece—in mere seconds Atsumu is in his arms. “Found ya,” he hears him say, “Omi—Kiyoomi.” Sakusa inhales and Atsumu steals that air from him.
“Miya Atsumu,” Sakusa calls out for him first, his heart back in his chest and Atsumu—
“Sakusa Kiyoomi,” Atsumu offers his own heart and Sakusa selfishly takes.
But the numbness doesn’t go away. Nothing fits into place. They call each other's name, acknowledging their bond. Fate. Something in him stirs. Soulmates. His heart pounds. However something is missing, something is still broken and it doesn’t take long for Sakusa to figure out what.
But Atsumu doesn’t ask. Never directly, never with the desire for an answer. Atsumu takes everything Sakusa gives him, returns it tenfold, and doesn’t ask. This is telling enough, knowing him and his way of giving room to deprecating thoughts, he will find a way to blame himself. He probably made his narrative, one that destroyed his confidence— his belief in fate, in soulmates.
He doesn’t ask and Sakusa can’t help but wonder; when this is all over… if this is ever over, will he ever forgive me? He ponders over an answer for hours and when nothing comes to mind he always adds; will I ever forgive myself?
It’s been months and he still doesn’t have an answer. It’s been months and no matter what he lived with Atsumu, he is still numb.
But mindless chatter helps. Sometimes.
It’s probably why he agreed to see Yamaguchi when he suggest they meet for coffee in Nagano—or more accurately why the idea of talking to Osamu’s soulmate didn’t seem so horrible.
It’s not a challenge to figure out where Yamaguchi probably stands on his breakup with Atsumu. Sakusa has already thought it over and written down clear notes on the conclusions Yamaguchi might have reached. Whatever opinion Yamaguchi had on him prior holds no candle to what he thinks about Sakusa now.
They’ve always had some sort of mutual understanding of what it’s like loving a Miya. Now, Yamaguchi loves Osamu and continues to support him through an unbalanced bond while Sakusa all but crushed Atsumu’s heart before spitting all over their bond.
It’s that thought that Sakusa lets pick him apart while waiting for Yamaguchi sitting on the patio of the cafe they agreed on. It’s that thought that takes up all the room inside his head, sinking him deep into dangerous territories.
Perhaps it’s his concentration in not letting the last bit of sanity leave him that prevented him from noticing the person waving and calling for him until they shove their face right into his personal space.
“Shit,” Sakusa exclaims, nearly jumping back while Hirugami chuckles, leaning back to stand straight.
“Sakusa-san,” Hirugami says and by the way his lip turns to a smile Sakusa knows it's not the first time Hirugami has been calling his name and he is most likely being made fun of. (Not to mention Hirugami always adds the ‘san’ when he wants to be annoying.)
“Hirugami-san,” Sakusa greets, feeling a little embarrassed about zoning out at a public place.
“You’re too formal Sakusa-san.” Hirugami remarks when Sakusa inclines his head in greeting. “It’s good to see you looking better.” He then says and it takes Sakusa no more than a few seconds to remember the last time Hirugami saw him for him to make that comment. His embarrassment increases as the memory plays out in his head.
“I’m sorry for my behaviour that night,” Sakusa says and Hirugami waves him off, an easygoing grin decorating his features. It does little to reassure Sakusa since he knows how well Hirugami can mask his emotions.
“You played a good season,” Hirugami then says, “you had every right to celebrate.”
If only that had been the reason for his over drinking, then maybe he wouldn’t have felt so stupid hearing those words. “Thank you.” He says anyways and then stays quiet as he waits for Hirugami to say anything else.
He knows Hirugami from high school, having played a few games against Kamomedai in different tournaments. Back then they had shared short conversations that centred around volleyball. Sakusa was never one to go out of his way to make friends with anyone outside his team but one way or another he found himself talking to Hirugami. They never became friends or anything like that but he was comfortable enough with him that when they met again in university, he didn’t feel like a complete stranger.
They had mutual friends and thus they occasional got invited to the same social events. They always gravitated towards each other, simply because they were the least social people in their groups. Though Sakusa knows that Hirugami is very capable of being the centre of attention. He can become someone who easily gives out the same energy as people like Hoshiumi and Bokuto.
When they are together, it’s never like that. Hirugami is quiet but sly. He always seems to be thinking something other than what he is expressing. He hides his emotions well, probably better than Sakusa himself. Maybe that’s why they eventually did grow close enough to maybe call each other friends.
Hirugami didn’t go pro but he is not out of the loop. Hakuba and Hoshiumi aside, Hirugami’s older siblings also connect him to this world of volleyball. It’s inevitable that Sakusa still sees him, more now than ever. Since joining the Jackals and furthering his connection with other players from his generation, Sakusa has kept contact with Hirugami.
He has his number, though he never uses it. Hirugami knows where Sakusa lives, though he never visits. Friends. Or something like that. Sakusa thinks.
Ruff.
“I’m dog-sitting for a coworker who lives around the area.” Hirugami says as the sound Sakusa heard has him turning his attention to the dog sniffing around a pole a few steps away. Right, Hirugami went to veterinary school. He likes animals, dogs especially.
“Ah,” Sakusa responds, noticing the leash Hirugami has been holding this whole time. “Fun,” he deadpans.
Hirugami chuckles, unbothered by Sakusa’s lack of enthusiasm. “I saw you glaring at nothing and thought I could inform you that two couples already avoided this coffee shop because of your face.”
Sakusa frowns, raising an eyebrow at Hirugami. Frankly, Sakusa could care less about the type of expressions he is making to scare people off. He knows Hirugami knows that too. Which means this is probably his way of asking Sakusa if he is okay. (See, friends.) “Thanks.”
But Sakusa doesn’t want to talk about it.
“You’re welcome.” And Hirugami respects that. “I should get going.”
Sakusa nods but as he goes to open his mouth to send him off he is cut off by Yamaguchi’s shout of: “sorry I’m late!” Sakusa turns his head slightly to watch as Yamaguchi jogs his way over. His cheeks are flushed and his hair tousled. “Missed my bus,” he adds once he is standing at Sakusa’s other side.
Sakusa instantly wants to comment on how it looks like his bus ran him over more than he simply missed it but Hirugami speaks before Sakusa can. “Karasuno,” he says, surprising Sakusa. Usually Hirugami remembers names and faces well. More so, he would never just call out a school name if he didn’t remember.
“Uh, Hiru…gami-san?” Yamaguchi replies, his eyes showing his surprise. Sakusa thinks he catches a hint of hurt in his expression but Yamaguchi’s entire appearance is painful enough, he can’t be sure if it’s just a figment of his imagination or his current natural expression.
Sakusa watches them make eye contact before they both go quiet. He blinks at them, confused at the interaction but he has no energy to do anything about it. He wonders though if there is something he is missing. As far as he knows, and from what he saw with their greetings, they are probably passing acquaintances. They know each other from high school, at the very least.
So what’s with the tension?
It’s Hirugami’s dog that breaks the silence. It yips, rushing to Hirugami’s side before barking for attention. Yamaguchi reacts first, instantly bending down and extending his hand for the dog to sniff before he dares to pet it. “Cute!” He coo’s and then asks: “Pomeranian?” Sakusa hums, observing as Hirugami takes a few seconds to watch Yamaguchi before replying.
“Yeah. His name is Fuwa.”
Sakusa snorts. Hirugami spares a second to shoot him a glare. “Fuwa,” Yamaguchi cheers, “that’s cute! Man, I’ve always wanted a dog.”
“I’m sure Osamu would get you one if you asked.” Sakusa finds himself saying and is surprised to see Yamaguchi go tense at those words. A second ticks. Then another.
Yamaguchi looks up at him and smiles, “you think?”
Yes. He would get you the moon if you asked. Sakusa thinks but doesn’t say. Instead, he gives Yamaguchi a look that probably translates to that. Yamaguchi seems to understand him because he chuckles lightly before his attention is drawn back to Fuwa.
“I should get going,” Hirugami says, smile still in place but Sakusa quickly picks up on the difference in his tone.
“Ah, of course! Sorry.” Yamaguchi says, standing back while Hirugami adjusts his hold on the leash.
“Thank you for your concern.” Sakusa then says, referring back to what Hirugami said before Yamaguchi appeared. “I’ll make sure to tame my expression.”
Hirugami laughs at that, but like Sakusa suspected his mood is different from earlier. He seems stiff. “Good,” Hirugami replies before stepping away, lifting a hand lazily to wave as he walks away.
“Have a good day, Hirugami-san!” Yamaguchi calls after him, “bye Fuwa!”
Sakusa stares after Hirugami, who turns to face them once more before disappearing down the street. There is something there, Sakusa is sure, watching the way his eyes narrow slightly when he looks at Yamaguchi.
“Do you know him?”
Yamaguchi looks at Sakusa with surprise, moving to take a seat next to him before replying. “Uh, not really?” He looks sheepish, “we met in high school but I sometimes see him when I visit Kageyama,” he then huffs, “he called me Karasuno.” His tone is light but Sakusa can now easily pick up the hurt in it.
“I think you caught him off guard.” Sakusa truthfully states, his eyes once again assessing Yamaguchi. Tousled hair, wrinkled clothes, pale skin, bags under his eyes.
“Huh?”
“Never mind.” Sakusa is quick to add, not sure as to what he meant himself. There was just something about the whole interaction that had him feeling… odd. But he doesn’t have the mind to dissect what the intensity behind Hirugami’s gaze meant. Not when there are more concerning matters at hand. “Let me get us some drinks.”
Yamaguchi lets the topic drop, quickly telling Sakusa what he wants before Sakusa goes inside the coffee shop to grab them both their drinks. “Thank you for meeting me here.” Yamaguchi then says once Sakusa is back. Sakusa doesn’t say anything to that and instead waits for Yamaguchi to talk. It takes him a few minutes but when he does, he speaks quietly and doesn’t look up from his coffee.
Sakusa watches him, taking in his tousled hair, wrinkled clothes, pale skin, bags under his eyes— ah, of course, Sakusa remembers looking at a mirror a few days ago and seeing the same thing.
“Osamu is in the hospital.”
“What?”
Yamaguchi explains as best as he can with the little he knows about Osamu’s situation. Sakusa hears every word be he doesn’t understand them. There are a lot of things that don’t make sense. Even more, since Yamaguchi has hardly been told anything.
Sakusa can see it clearly now, just how broken he is. His appearance is all but a fraction of his pain. Osamu is in a hospital. In a coma-like state. Osamu is in a hospital— “Atsumu?” He asks because though he feels for Yamaguchi’s pain and though Osamu’s state is concerning, Sakusa is nothing but a man bound by fate and all he can think about is Atsumu. How is he? Does he know? Is he okay? Have you seen him? Atsumu, Atsumu, Atsumu—
“That’s actually why I wanted to talk to you.” Yamaguchi confesses while he plays with the paper cup, his coffee long finished. “I was hoping I could convince you to pay Atsumu a visit.”
“Is he—”
“He is here in Nagano. He is staying in the guest room and he is helping with the shop.” Yamaguchi sighs, “I’ve tried to get him to… relax? He won’t have a break this long until mid season and that won’t be for another few months. He is worried, I know, I get that but,” Yamaguchi inhales and stays quiet for a second. Sakusa knows he is probably just trying to collect his thoughts. “Samu wouldn’t want him doing all this. Especially with how much the... breakup has affected him.”
Sakusa lets his head fall at that comment, the shame building up inside him quickly overtaking any concern he had for Atsumu. It’s your fault, something inside him whispers, you did this.
“He doesn’t want to talk to me.” Sakusa says without thought and quickly regrets it. Have you even tried— “I can try,” he amends, noticing the way Yamaguchi’s eyes narrow, “but… do you think it will help considering…?”
He doesn’t finish the sentence but he can tell Yamaguchi understands the question. He seems to consider it for a moment, his eyes falling back to the paper cup in his hands while he mules over a reply. Sakusa himself is taking into consideration everything Yamaguchi has told him.
Atsumu is exhausting himself. He is coping with Osamu’s hospitalization by doing everything to not think about it. He is keeping himself busy, a different strategy from how he reacted to their breakup. He doesn’t know for sure, but he heard enough from Komori to make somewhat of an assumption.
(“Kiyo, why weren’t you picking up your phone!? Never mind, that doesn’t matter. Rin called and-” Komori pauses and inhales, “Rin said Osamu called and-” another pause, “Kiyo, what’s going on?”
Sakusa swallows, tensing his jaw as he tries to ignore the concern in his cousins voice. “I’m sure you know.”
“Rin says… is it true?” Komori asks, “did you and Atsumu…?”
It’s been two weeks since they fell apart, a week since they made it official. Sakusa had expected this call earlier, he had excepted a lot of calls earlier. Not only from Komori but from his teammates, from his friends, from Suna, from Osamu— “Yes.”
“Kiyo, what the fuck?”)
Bokuto all but confirmed his assumptions when he cornered him four weeks after the break up. If you are referring to my breakup with Miya, it’s been four weeks, Sakusa had said, if you are going to ask me why Miya lied, don’t bother, I don’t know.
He went home that day and thought it over. Knowing Atsumu and worst of all, knowing how much he loves him, it’s not wrong to assume Atsumu is keeping to himself about the breakup. It’s easy to picture, the way he is probably tearing himself apart with his thoughts and reasonings. He is probably keeping to himself because he doesn’t know how to voice out his emotions and because he loves Sakusa enough to not want to.
It makes him sick.
“Sakusa,” Yamaguchi says, dragging Sakusa’s attention back to him as he tries to fight the nauseating feelings clawing at his throat. “Why did you guys break up?”
I’m sure Atsumu, if not Osamu, has told you. Sakusa thinks to say but stops himself. He meets Yamaguchi’s eyes and something in his expression gets Sakusa to crumble.
“I was hurting him.” He says, the words leaving a sting on his tongue after he voices them. “I lied to him.” He inclines his head, unable to meet Yamaguchi’s eyes. “I kept the truth from him knowing well how much it meant to him.” He breathes in and out and the air burns his throat, “I never apologized.”
“Then go apologize.” Yamaguchi replies and Sakusa’s head snaps upwards, “go apologize and watch after him before things get any worse. Is that so hard?” He asks, eyes zeroed in on him with a clarity Sakusa has never seen Yamaguchi show, “or do you just not want to?”
“Ya know, Tadashi is mean.” Atsumu once whispered to him when they were minutes away from meeting him and Osamu.
“Your brother’s soulmate, Yamaguchi?” Sakusa remembers questioning, his voice making it clear he didn’t believe that statement. “That Tadashi?”
“Omi! I’m bein’ serious!” Atsumu had huffed, “you can even ask Sunarin, Tadashi is mean. He just hides it well.”
“Meaner than Kei,” Suna had once confirmed when the topic was brought up again, “but only if you deserve it.”
This is probably what they meant. Sakusa thinks, though he wouldn’t call this mean.
It’s just raw honesty. Mixed with some protectiveness and anger that stems from how much he cares for Atsumu.
And Sakusa is thankful that even in all this, Atsumu has friends who love him.
“It’s not like you,” Bokuto had said when he approached Sakusa to get him to talk about the break up. He knows it must not have been easy doing so, especially with how close he is with Atsumu.“It’s not like you to give up.”
“No,” Suna had all but growled when Atsumu had tried taking Sakusa home. His mind was fuzzy and his body was burdened by the alcohol he drank but he could still make out Suna’s icy tone, “you will do no such thing.”
Then go apologize. Yamaguchi says but somehow Sakusa thinks he sounds like Osamu. That’s something Osamu would say, right? If he were here right now and not laying in some hospital bed, Osamu would push Sakusa to make amends. Even if Sakusa wouldn’t deserve it.
It’s because he would’t do it for Sakusa.
Go apologize. For Atsumu. Because he wants you to. Because he loves you. Even after everything you put him through, you know he loves you—
“I’ll drive you home.” Sakusa offers, his heart pounding hard against his chest while Yamaguchi takes a moment to study him before agreeing.
His features relax a bit and Sakusa takes the time to finally inquire about his well being. “It’s funny because even though I want you to get Atsumu to back off… everything he has done has helped me cope a little better.” Yamaguchi confesses on their way to Sakusa’s car.
“Though I’ve already contacted Kita-san and he has agreed to take over the business for the time being. He is more equipped than Atsumu.” Yes, Sakusa remembers Atsumu complaining about Kita knowing more about his brother’s business than him. “Make sure you tell Atsumu he has nothing to worry about that. His parents are even helping with the shops in Hyogo and the pop-up stands in Tokyo and Osaka.”
Sakusa drives while Yamaguchi gives him more details on the matter. When Osamu first started his business there had been a lot of struggles, but two years after the grand opening he had managed to continue on a steady pace upwards. Atsumu always bragged about Onigiri Miya as if it were his own business and it always made Sakusa happy seeing that pride shine from his eyes.
“Try getting him to stop visiting Osamu so often,” Yamaguchi adds, “it just makes him anxious. Especially with how little the doctors are telling us. My parents suggested I do the same.”
“He is going to be fine, Yamaguchi.” Sakusa finds himself saying, already thinking about contacting his brother, who works at a hospital, to see if he can do something for them. If not he is sure his mother knows two people that could possibly help… if it’s an internal issue like the doctor had told Yamaguchi. Maybe it’s connected to his soulmate bond, in which case Sakusa’s sister’s soulmate is a specialist that they can contact.
“I know.” Yamaguchi says and Sakusa is glad to hear that he doesn’t sound uncertain.
Shortly after that, Yamaguchi falls asleep clearly exhausted. It’s not a long ride to Yamaguchi and Osamu’s home but Sakusa can only assume Yamaguchi hasn’t been sleeping well these past few days so he doesn’t wake him. Instead he takes a longer route, partly for Yamaguchi and partly because Sakusa still has a lot in his mind.
What is he going to say to Atsumu?
All this time… all this time he has been keeping his distance to let Atsumu decide how things will play out— should he be the one to act first?
Will apologizing be enough? Probably not. Sakusa’s grip tightness on the steering wheel.
(“You’re such a pessimist, Omi-Omi!”
“I’m not a pessimist.” Sakusa sighs, “I’m a realist.”)
Nagano is a beautiful city. Sakusa and Atsumu sometimes talked about buying a house or an apartment here. It would be nice considering Osamu, Suna, and Komori all live here. Nagano could be their home—
(“Go home, Miya.” Sakusa can still taste the alcohol in his mouth, he can still smell it in his clothes. His head pounds and body feels sore while his lungs try to take in oxygen even though the sight of Atsumu leaves him breathless.
“You never drink this much, Omi.” Why do you care? Why does it matter? Why are you here? “I was worried.” Don’t be, I don’t deserve it. I hurt you.
“Go home,” Sakusa tries again, the desperation clear in his tone.)
Atsumu doesn’t go home that day. Not at that moment anyways. Instead he stays and he looks after Sakusa and he continues to love him even though he doesn’t deserve it. “We should talk.” Sakusa had told him and Atsumu had echoed those words but then neither of them could get a word out.
It was easier to get lost in each others touch. It was easier to let Atsumu bruise his skin with kisses. It was easier to devour all of Atsumu’s words with his mouth.
“Anything, anything you want. I’ll give it to you.”
(“Then go apologize.” Is that so hard to do?)
“Yamaguchi.” Sakusa calls out after pushing all of his thoughts to the back of his head as he parks in front of Osamu and Yamaguchi’s house.
The sun is still out so there is no need for any lights to be on, yet somehow Sakusa expects them. He expects to see that ugly brown lamp from the window, illuminating a smidge of the living room.
He doesn’t expect to feel so empty looking at that house. He doesn’t expect hesitation on waking Yamaguchi up. There is nothing waiting for him here, Sakusa notes and then frowns for allowing himself to think that.
“Yamaguchi,” he calls again, this time reaching over to give him a slight shove. Yamaguchi’s eyes open and his body jolts as he meets Sakusa’s eyes. “We are here,” Sakusa says, watching Yamaguchi blink at him in confusion before something in his expression changes. His eyes go wide, body lunging forward instantly as he gasps.
“What’s wrong?” Sakusa asks concerned, noticing the panic Yamaguchi radiates. He looks like he is fighting a headache or some sort of panic attack. “Are you okay?”
Yamaguchi nods and Sakusa simply waits, hearing his soft panting before he finally looks back at Sakusa. Tousled hair, wrinkled clothes, pale skin, bags under his eyes— tears;
“I just had a dream.”