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A.N. This chapter is loosely based on episode 4x15 “Hunters”. Just something I thought about when I re-watched the episode. Thank you for reading. I've been away from Star Trek for a while, writing Cabenson stuff. But I want to write for J/7 again and finish a couple stories. This may have another chapter.
Loss
‘Kathryn, I regret to inform you that I have decided to marry another. This decision does not come lightly. The time we spent together and the memories we shared will stay with me. Please understand this decision has nothing to do with you and is entirely due to the circumstance having pulled us apart. I pray for your safe return home.
Godspeed,
Mark’
She couldn’t stop thinking about that “Dear John”.
“Has nothing to do with you” — He was wrong, over simplifying things to sound kind. It had everything to do with her. She made the call to destroy the Caretaker’s array. Her decision stranded the ship, the crew, cost her her marriage, and ultimately her life.
Sometimes hope was hard to find when the heaviest guilt weighed her down. Only in private, of course. Outside of her Captain’s quarters, she was immovable and impenetrable.
But that letter…it got to her, shaking her from within. She tried to find relief from her thoughts in work, but this time, working didn’t redirect her focus as she hoped it would.
For once her quarters weren’t the welcoming ‘home away from home’ where she found solace. Tonight the mess hall gave her purpose, perhaps for the simple fact that it was some place other than her quarters. Here, in this public setting she had to determine who she was allowed to be, what emotions she could and could not show.
In the dark shadows of the mess hall, she envisioned the crew amongst her, sitting in the empty chairs. They conversed and trudged along with smiles, like she hadn’t ruined their lives.
Starlight filtered through the viewports at her back, illuminating her table, the computer, and the data PADD she just set down for the fourth time. Her elbow on the table and hand against her cheek, she leaned into it as the night went on. The words scrolling on her computer screen became letters and the letters turned into blurs.
She slipped in and out, resisting the urge to close her heavy eyes.
*hiss*
At that sound, a rush of adrenaline jarred her from her nodding off, bringing her refreshed attention back to the duty rosters on her computer screen. She looked to the shadowed, lithe figure marching in, unaware of her presence.
“Seven?” The Captain squinted as the shadow figure stopped mid-step at her weak and dry voice drifting across the room.
“…Captain?” Seven said her title in a peculiar tone, neither asking nor stating, a confusion somewhere in the middle, perhaps due to Seven’s incomprehension of the simple but telling vocal inflections humans took for granted. “I was not expecting anyone to be here.” She said plainly and rather cold as she walked to the replicator. “Nutritional supplement 14-Beta-7.” She commanded the machine before glancing over her shoulder as proud as ever. “What are you doing awake Captain?”
There was a personal touch to Seven’s question, but Janeway yawned it off and slumped into her hand once more as she tore her gaze from Seven and looked to her computer. “Just catching up on some busy work.”
The shadow moved out of the corner of her eye and Janeway turned to it, sizing Seven’s approach and emergence into the icy starlight. Seven stopped, half lit and half silhouetted.
A silent pause lingered between them. Seven showing no intention to speak, but her eyes held a curious gleam.
“Care to join me.” Her voice lacked its normal conviction, and Janeway inwardly grimaced at the hint of neediness surfacing in its timbre. Good thing Seven was too indifferent to notice her moment of weakness. “I wouldn’t mind the company.” There it was again, that neediness running out of her mouth before she could catch it.
Janeway’s gaze glanced to the seat opposite her on its way back to the computer.
The bottom of a glass cup holding an unappetizing beige-colored shake, landed on the table with a *clank*, yet the chair remained empty. She looked over, doing a double-take at the woman towering over her, hovering with her hands clasped behind her back.
“Is there something I can help you with Captain?”
“No…” Amusement colored her voice as Janeway offset Seven’s commanding tone with a raise of her brow. She leaned away, tilting her chin up slightly to get a clearer view of Seven’s eyes.
“Then is there a reason why you require my presence?”
Janeway held back a scoff, looking away with an incredulous smirk. She knew Seven didn’t mean to speak to her with such disdain. She had to remind herself that although Seven’s arrogance made her a tough coworker, she didn’t know any better. She smiled off Seven’s self-righteousness, finding a unique charm to it.
A sarcastic thought equally pleasured her smile. In this case it was the image of her bowing, humbly requesting the honor of being graced by Seven’s reverent presence.
“To what do I owe the honor of speaking to your excellency.”
Amused, she snorted at the idea of ever behaving in such a manner with Seven. “I wasn’t aware a simple conversation required having a reason.”
Seven regarded her blankly, but didn’t move, as if she were trying to decipher the meaning of her words. Then Seven’s brow perked. “You are suggesting…small talk.”
Bingo!
Small talk, Seven made it sound even smaller that it was, belittled.
“Do you have a designated topic in mind?”
Janeway sighed. Nothing could be simple with Seven. By the time they ran in circles deciphering what to talk about, a new day would start.
“No.” Janeway curtly said.
“Captain you must choose something.”
Janeway resisted the urge to throw her head back or flop it forward into her hands. Right now, she wanted to focus on something besides the turmoil in her mind, a distraction; but Seven’s back and forth refuting only heightened her irritation. Any more of this and she’d end up redirecting all her suppressed frustration, anger, and meanness on someone who didn’t deserve it. She waited a breath before she spoke. “What about something on your mind?” Janeway looked to her computer as Seven’s silence dragged on.
“What was in your letter Captain?”
‘So much for focusing on something else.’ Janeway’s lips pressed to a line. “Why do you ask?” She stared at the computer screen with a tensing brow.
“Your demeanor changed after you received the letter. You appeared less optimistic than before.”
“And here I thought I was doing a superb job of hiding my “demeanor”.” She typed away, ending her statement with a wry smirk.
“To simple-minded folk maybe.”
“Simple-minded…is that what you think we are?”
Seven stayed quiet.
“Well, I’m sorry we don’t all harbor your superior Borg perfection.”
“Did I say something wrong Captain?” Seven’s softened response came and with a sigh Janeway turned her screen off and looked to Seven, letting her head slump into her hand once more, a finger pressed to her temple. The Captain smiled weakly to lighten the moment.
“Seven, has anyone ever told you you lack tact?”
Seven tilted her head slightly. “Tact?”
Looked like they found the topic of their next philosophical discussion.
Starlight washed the side of Seven’s face in its ethereal glow. The brightest point at the base of Seven’s cheek traced her strong jaw. The glow spread over seven’s skin, fading as it neared the center of her face.
“Captain?”
Janeway’s focus returned with a blink of her eyes. She’d stared at Seven for too long, only to find herself doing it again. What was it about Seven that made those around her stop and stare? Seven’s eye closest to the starlight appeared an icy clear. The other, under her implant, showing only a hint of blue color against her shadowed skin.
Looking away before Seven could catch her with another “Captain?”, Janeway furrowed her brow and turned her gaze to the computer once more. She remembered her mention of “tact” and waved off the conversation’s new direction. “Don’t worry about it. I’m sure we’ll find our way back to that topic one day. Just…don’t let the rest of the crew hear you call them simple-minded. Won’t make you many friends.” She met Seven’s stern expression with a playful smirk.
“Please…sit.” She gestured to the chair opposite her with a glance and open hand. “Please Seven…” She pushed when Seven failed to move. “You’re making me nervous.” To her surprise a smile spread across her lips, and for a split second she swore she saw a hint of that smile mirrored from the woman above.
The shadows must’ve played tricks on her eyes, or maybe her smile was simply irresistibly contagious. It was a great one.
Seven pulled out the chair, looking to it then the Captain, who raised a brow at her predicament.
“It won’t hurt you.” Janeway caught the moment Seven clenched her jaw in response.
“I am well aware of that Captain.”
Seven’s sharp words stung, her frustration clear. No one talked to her the way Seven did, and she always let it slide. B’Elanna came close but often the Lieutenant put in a great amount of effort to calm herself and respect Voyager’s hierarchy. Seven tried to play by the rules, but they always ended up twisted by her own logic.
Solve problems at the lowest level first, old managerial advice that Seven showed no regard for. In the Alpha quadrant, with crew members sticking to strict Starfleet regulations, someone in Seven’s position would first report any concern to the lowest ranking officer in charge. It would then be forwarded up to the commander, who would then notify the Captain; an efficient way of weeding out nonsense and keeping the Captain’s focus on important matters. Seven waking her up in the middle of the night or requesting her presence directly was anything but customary.
Janeway smirked.
Sometimes it was good to be humbled, reminded that Captain was just a title. Stripped of rank she was just as human as everyone else. Seven respected her but had a way of bringing down her ego.
Seven lowered herself to the seat, sitting tall and stiff, poised in a manner unique to her. “Standing is more efficient.”
“And sitting is more relaxing. I dare you to try it more often.” Janeway finished holding her smirk, catching but brushing off the sultry tone to her voice. “I can’t imagine what that must’ve been like…”
“What Captain?”
“Having no option but to stand for twenty years.”
“For Borg comfort was not a priority…”
Janeway opened her mouth to speak, about to agree wholeheartedly that the sharp pointy edges of the Borg cube didn’t make for a comforting aesthetic but Seven cut her off.
“If you’re concerned about fatigue, the Borg have no such concept. Our exoplating and nanoprobes adapted to the needs of our bodies.”
“…Do you ever miss it? The convenience?”
Seven glanced down and the Captain studied her. She could always tell when Seven was deep in thought.
“No.” Seven looked up. “Was there something else you wished to talk about Captain?”
She’d struck a nerve.
Janeway gently shook her head. “No.”
“Then I see no purpose sitting in silence—”
“There doesn’t always have to be something to say, Seven. Sometimes it’s just about enjoying another person’s presence.”
“What is a conversation without conversing?”
Janeway couldn’t help but stretch a smile at the woman across from her. Seven always had a comeback, some quite scathingly blunt. But presently, she wondered if Seven’s comebacks were a tactic—or excuse—for finding an exit from an uncomfortable moment. Seven squirmed a bit, her eyes scanning the room. For a person who could tear people down with her piercing gazes, Seven held a surprising amount of vulnerability.
“What about you? You’ve had quite an eventful day—Oh and forgive me for not being there to welcome you back.”
Seven looked to her with a slight tense of her brow, thrown by the sudden change in subject.
“I appreciate what you and Tuvok did. B’Elanna was able to get more messages before the data stream collapsed.”
Realization spread through Seven’s gaze, and she gave a subtle nod.
“Although I regret that our satisfaction came at a danger to you...and Tuvok.” Janeway quickly added the latter. How could she forget her trusted and dear friend?
“I was not damaged, neither was Tuvok. But the mission was not a success. I apologize that I was unable to retrieve all the letters.”
“What you did was enough.” Janeway took a chance and reached across the table, laying a hand on Seven’s forearm in solidarity. Seven studied the touch and looked back to her, curiosity emerging from the depths of her gaze.
At the intimacy that came too close for comfort, Janeway looked down and pulled back her hand. “Really, thank you. Whether or not we like the content of our letters, it’s something from home…and that’s what matters.”
“You did not answer my question.”
Janeway’s brow tensed. “About?”
“Your letter.”
Janeway reached around her computer, to the PADD just behind it. “Here…” She handed it to Seven. “See for yourself.” Seven hesitated at her transparency, but took the PADD with conviction a moment later, raising her brow in nonchalance as she turned it on and read the words.
What was she doing? Janeway questioned the logic of giving her personal letter to a subordinate. Her private life stayed out of the crew’s eyes and ears, locked away in her quarters. But to call a person as magnificent and breathtaking as S—
The Captain stopped…and reordered her thoughts, sneaking a glance to the woman across from her.
To call Seven a subordinate was a silly idea.
This personal letter, she’d never share it with crew but trusted Seven would respect her high regard for privacy. Hopefully her decision wouldn’t backfire.
Seven’s gaze flicked back and forth, scanning the PADD at an astounding rate. It was a wonder she retained any of the information.
Janeway stifled another yawn and turned back to the computer, earning Seven’s quick glance.
“This man…” Seven started, breaking the lingering silence in the air. “What is your relation to him? Did you know him well?”
The Captain worked on her computer, acknowledging Seven’s questions with a wry scoff. “That’s putting it lightly…we were almost married.”
“Married? I’m unfamiliar with the term.” Seven paused, placing the PADD on the table. “What does it entail?”
Janeway blacked out her screen and pushed the computer aside, her eyes beginning to burn. The day had taken its toll, and she was feeling it more than usual. Already trudging up energy, she didn’t think she’d find enough to dive into any detailed explanations with Seven. But she’d try. “People get married when they fall in love and decide they want to spend the rest of their lives together.”
“A pact of some kind?”
The Captain couldn’t contain her yawn as she leaned back, her arm stretching along the top of the neighboring chair beside her. “I guess you could see it that way—”
“Do the parties gain anything from each other?” Seven stood and the Captain’s eyes followed her to the replicator. “Coffee, black.”
Janeway cocked an eyebrow, watching Seven approach with a steaming mug. ‘What? Since when does she……Oh.’ Seven set it on the table in front of her before taking her seat. “A woman after my own heart.” Janeway sat forward with a crooked grin and picked up the warm mug, cradling it in her hands.
“That was the third time you yawned.”
Janeway stared at the black liquid in the silver mug. It was just like space, although a kinder, more forgiving abyss. “Us simple-minded folk also don’t have your Borg stamina.”
Seven averted her eyes. “Captain...” She said soft with some guilt coloring her tone, seeming to better understand the harshness of her earlier comment.
“How did you know?” Janeway asked, appreciative of the blissful and bittersweet aroma wafting from the mug. It awoke her senses and eased her mind at the same time.
“You order the same thing three times a day. Those two words I hardly have to commit to memory.”
‘So, she’s tracking my habits…noted.’
“Thank you.” Janeway smiled, lifting the mug to her lips as Seven intently watched her take a sip of the coffee, as though she’d hand-ground the beans, carefully spent time brewing it, and were waiting for a sign of validation.
They were both silent as Janeway enjoyed the comforting cup of coffee like it wasn’t the fifth she’d had that day. Her caffeine addiction was a problem she should’ve discussed with the doctor a long time ago. When her minimum cups a day hit four, she knew she was speeding down a path of no return.
A gentle brush against the tip of her knee turned her attention to the woman who shifted in her chair. “You were asking me something.”
“Yes. Do the parties gain anything by participating in this marriage?”
Seven made marriage sound like a game of chance. Then again, it was. There was no full-proof guarantee that a marriage remained happy and supportive. That was luck, along with some hard work.
“Sure…” Janeway shifted too, her eyes searching the table. “Love, stability, happiness. Although, that’s not always the case.”
“And you were to enter this with…” Seven picked up the PADD and clicked it on, searching the document. “Mark.” She looked up, her ever-confident gaze meeting Janeway’s as she placed the PADD on the table once more.
“Yes.” Janeway set the mug on the table, her fingers looped gingerly around the handle. “But he got tired of waiting. Can’t say I blame him.”
Seven’s eyes unabashedly searched her face and her brow furrowed.
“You…are saddened by this.” She said gently, perplexedly.
“That’s a bit of an understatement.” Janeway inwardly sighed, regretting the direction the conversation headed and emotions it brought back. “We knew each other for a long time, loved each other…and we were friends. I’m disappointed.” She trailed off looking to the PADD lying in the middle of the table. “And if I’m being honest…it hurts.”
“Hurts? Where?”
Janeway didn’t look up to see Seven’s eyes tracing her form or pay attention to the spark in her voice. She just stared at that PADD, ruminating over how one letter ended a chapter of her life with a crushing finality.
“Captain?”
Seven’s bold tone jolted her back to reality. She stared wide eyed at the woman.
“Are you physically ill?”
Janeway blinked a few times, remembering what she mentioned about feeling hurt, an overstepping on her part.
According to the turmoil on Seven’s face, Seven had taken her words literally and looked ready to spring from her chair. “No, nothing like that.” Janeway crossed a leg over the other as she turned on her computer. Her shin touched Seven’s and she stiffened. She would’ve uttered a sorry for the accidental touch, but her words failed her. Maybe it was best to act as though it never happened.
Seven calmly looked about the mess hall, not a bit concerned with how their legs met under the table, and Janeway relaxed, growing content in their closeness as a comfortable silence lingered between them.
“Captain…”
“Yes.”
Seven hesitated. “Love, what does it mean?”
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“…loved each other…”
That word, it manifested again. This time from the Captain.
Seven raised the implant over her eye at the Captain’s silent stare, noting the subtle gap that parted the Captain's lips.
The word intrigued her. That was all.
Love, she’d been seeing that word a lot since the crew started receiving their letters. She tried not to pry and read the decrypted messages, only scanning them for the name of the recipient and downloading them accordingly to a PADD. But this word “love” she spotted over and over. It also made its way into crew gossip, but she never paid attention, always having more important things to attend to.
The word spoken by the Captain renewed her curiosity.
After a long shift she’d finished her duties in Astrometrics that were put on hold by the prioritizing of these letters. The mess hall was to be a quick stop on her way to Cargo bay 2.
The Captain should have been asleep with the rest of the crew. Her presence was unexpected…but welcomed. The Captain always got on her for over-extending her shifts, but as it were now, the Captain had been awake for over twenty hours.
The worn look in the Captain’s eyes evoked something from within her. Perhaps because the Captain’s judgment was in error, and she didn’t seem to notice.
‘Should I escort her to her quarters? No, she can reach her quarters on her own. Her fatigue will not impair her ability to walk.’
In their silence the Captain turned back to her computer.
‘I will tell her she’s in error. But at a later moment.’
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“Love…what does it mean?”
The Captain looked up, meeting a trace of insecurity present amidst the confident features of Seven’s face.
‘Couldn’t have given me a harder question to answer.’
Again, Janeway inwardly sighed. She didn’t know how to begin her response. Tonight wasn’t the night to answer that question.
“There’s a million ways to answer that.” Janeway went to her computer. “It’s a conversation we’ll have to have in my quarters when we have more time.”
Her hands froze over the computer. She wanted to slap a hand over her eyes at the way those words came out of her mouth, suggesting something other than the innocent conversation she envisioned them having from the comfort of her couch. The mess hall chairs weren’t forgiving. She’d lost count of the hours, but the ache in her back was just beginning.
Warmth gently rose to her cheeks at her mistaken innuendo. Her resolve was cracking; she was tired, letting herself speak before thinking. Janeway glanced up as the charge in the air dissipated; Seven not seeming to pick up anything suggestive in her statement. Thank God.
What if Seven had caught the accidental suggestion? Would she have played into it, throwing a smirk or sly remark?
“An interesting idea Captain.” Janeway heard an invitation to her double-sided comment. But the next she also heard was, “Or I could just assimilate the knowledge faster than you could tell me,” Seven’s cold, more feasible response.
Janeway cleared her throat. She had to give Seven something. “In short, love is a…deep connection you feel with someone.” She started to lose herself in a daze. “It drives you to create a new existence with that person.”
Janeway hung her head with a chuckle, two fingers pinching the bridge of her nose. “Look at what you have me going on about at two in the morning.” She lifted her head with a sigh and ran a hand through her hair.
“You loved this man.”
“Yes…I thought I did, a great deal.” Janeway put her elbow on the table and leaned into the finger at her temple. “But now…I’m starting to wonder if we were burning out long before this.”
“Burning out?”
Janeway glanced to seven. “Distancing from one another, losing that connection.” She pushed away from the computer and leaned back in the chair. Her shoe grazed Seven’s leg but her mind wandered elsewhere. “He never liked me being away…but tried his best to be supportive.” She paused. “I knew he wanted a family. A wife he could come home to on a regular basis.” She shook her head. “I was never that person. When I think about kids and family, I think about time…how much time I would need. Time I wouldn’t have because of the nature of my job.”
“Does his opinion matter to you?”
The Captain regarded the odd question with a gentle tense of her brow, her smile stretching to a crooked grin. “Obviously not enough. Look at where we are…where I am.”
“Then why sulk over this letter? He has made his priorities clear.”
“It’s natural to feel pain when you lose something—in this case, someone.”
“Pain?” Seven cocked a brow, disbelief heavy in her gaze. “He pushed you aside to pursue someone else.”
Seven’s words stung, and tongue-in-cheek Janeway glanced away. “…He tried to wait—”
“He does not see your worth, your formidability. I would hardly call that a suitable match. He is not worth your time.”
The Captain faced Seven; the woman’s gaze unwaveringly strong and pointed. Janeway swallowed softly under Seven’s scrutiny, trying to gather her words or form some type of rebuttal. Any anger she felt at the dismissal of Mark was dampened by confusion.
My formidability and worth? Had Seven just paid her a compliment? Sure felt like it. Something simmered within her, nothing more than gratitude she suspected, until a hair-raising sensation rushed her as Seven’s foot swept down her calf.
Seven stood from her chair with her drink. “If you will excuse me Captain. I have some things to finish before I regenerate.”
The Captain’s heart thumped.
Just another accidental touch. A mundane action…nothing to it.
“So…what’s my suitable match?” The Captain threw out with a smug smile, trying to catch Seven before she turned to the door.
Their eyes connected, uncertainty softening Seven’s hard gaze.
“I’m curious…since you seem to know me so well.” Janeway held her smile at Seven’s silence. She’d really caught Seven off guard this time, and not having an immediate answer had to frustrate her. “I’m just messing with you Seven.” She pointed a finger as Seven’s brow began to furrow. “But…if you make accusations like that, you better be prepared to answer for them.”
Seven lifted her chin. “Then I look forward to that meeting in your quarters.”
The Captain’s eyes widen a touch, her expression falling at the presence of a playful smile on Seven’s face. This time Seven pulled the rug from beneath her feet, turning her own game against her.
“I trust you know I will not forget.”
“…Sounds like a plan.” Janeway’s voice softened as she gently sized the stature of the beautiful woman once more. “I’ll let you know when.”
With a nod Seven turned around and headed to the doors. She stopped just as they opened before her and turned an ear over her shoulder. “Goodnight, Captain.” She vanished around the corner with a confident but quick stride.
*hiss*
The doors closed; her companion gone before she could return the “goodnight” waiting on her lips. With a slow, gentle exhale the Captain sat forward, hoping to ease the tension from her body, trying to ward off whatever warmed and thickened the air. “Hm.”