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FEBRUARY 2022
“Valentine’s is a big ugly capitalistic move at this point, there’s no reason to be sad about not taking part in whatever it involves these days,” Yuta argued over the phone, “and just the fact that you are inclined to feel bad about being lonely on this one specific day of the year proves how the marketing strategy gets to people.”
Taeyong knew that Yuta’s right and he wasn’t about to disagree, but his brain still validated his own sadness about the whole thing. Sure, it is dumb to feel down about one day of the year, as if he’s not lonely every other day as well, but there’s no way to make himself feel better because no matter how many arguments about capitalism Yuta has, he still isn’t the one who’s going to be alone tomorrow – Taeyong is.
And not to call Yuta out on anything, but if Valentine’s truly was as insignificant as he tried to convince Taeyong it is, he would say yes to a friend hangout instead of spending the day with his partner. Not that Taeyong blamed his best friend, but it was just yet another thing that went against Yuta’s argument.
“I know and I promise I won’t let it eat me alive, I’ll take myself out on a date or something. By out I mean my bedroom floor, but still,” Taeyong said, even though he already knew that it absolutely will eat him alive.
“Why the bedroom floor?”
“No reason, I just really enjoy eating on the bedroom floor,” he said honestly. Taeyong usually ate at his desk because he needed to watch something on his laptop in order to be able to eat (causing his food to get cold on multiple occasions just because he wasn’t able to find anything in time) but he recently realized that one of the advantages of having a laptop is that he can easily just move it.
Yuta chuckled and Taeyong could imagine him shaking his head as well. “As long as you’re having fun, playboy,” he said teasingly before they said their goodbyes and ended the call.
It didn’t take Taeyong too long after the call to start feeling like shit. It honestly wasn’t even about being lonely on Valentine’s. Feeling lonely was his default mood and he knew that tomorrow wouldn’t be any different – it would just be more noticeable with everyone around him showing him how not lonely they are.
He eventually decided that maybe he shouldn’t be thinking about his own feelings and instead should go spend some of his last money on things he didn’t truly need. The other day, he came across a heart-shaped pizza video and he figured that making it would either make him happy or completely utterly devasted considering he’d be eating it alone, and he was prepared for both options.
MARCH 2020
Taeyong wasn’t too keen on meeting new people that day, but considering he was stuck in his mother’s place, he felt like it would be rude to just ignore the visit. He’s heard about his mother’s friend before from stories and he’s met her once very briefly, but someone he hadn’t met yet was the friend’s son. All he knew was that he’s a bit younger, but considering Taeyong was 21, the two-year age difference really didn’t feel like there would be a significant difference between them mentally.
It took Taeyong about two hours and a few shots to realize that he’s actually getting along pretty well with both his mother’s friend and the friend’s son; especially the son. He wouldn’t be able to tell anyone too much personality wise about him, but they just worked well by default without really having to know each other that well.
Doyoung, the son, wasn’t super outspoken, but he didn’t seem like he wasn’t involved in the conversation at any point. He never felt out of place despite being in a new place with new people and Taeyong admired that because he lost his own ability to mingle a few years back.
As the evening progressed and their alcohol levels went higher, the distance between Taeyong and Doyoung got progressively smaller. It turned out that Doyoung is just as physically affectionate as Taeyong – or at least he was fine with tolerating it.
Taeyong didn’t want to look too deep into it because he was aware of this being their very first meeting and also them both being intoxicated, but it still felt nice to be treated so gently and naturally; he was no longer used to things like that happening to him.
It was an overall nice night and Taeyong was glad he didn’t just hide himself in his bedroom and make up an excuse about him feeling sick or something.
That night was definitely a start of something. Whether it was a start of something good or bad was too early to decide.
MAY 2020
Taeyong got used to Doyoung’s presence very quickly. He liked that when his mother went to meet up with her friend, she made him tag along because Doyoung would be there as well, and the two of them now oddly enough became a part of their mothers’ friend group to a certain degree.
He was disappointed when the friend came over without bringing Doyoung, but he liked her enough to not make it obvious. (He also wasn’t a little bitch, so he wouldn’t make it obvious even if he didn’t like her at all). He tried to get as close to Doyoung as possible every time they hung out, he imagined a few dumb scenarios here and there of something more happening between them, yet he still hadn’t realized that he might’ve developed a crush. Other people (read: Yuta) suspected it, but Taeyong always just shrugged it off, insisting that the two of them just clicked and that’s all.
There was no way to tell how Doyoung felt about him because he was pretty much unreadable. Doyoung was funny, affectionate and when asked a question, he answered in a tone that seemed honest enough, but Taeyong wouldn’t ask any questions about their relationship because he was too scared. He was too scared not only of what the answer might be, but also because if he did ask about it, he would have to admit to himself that there are answers he wants to hear.
May changed their relationship a little bit because of something very innocent that happened for the first time when their mothers went out for a drink and they tagged along with them. Doyoung came a bit later, so he ended up sitting next to Taeyong and, once again, the more they drunk, the closer they got, and eventually, Doyoung ended up holding Taeyong’s hand under the table.
It was so innocent and probably insignificant, but it ended up meaning a lot to Taeyong while it most probably wasn’t a big deal to Doyoung at all because why should twenty-year-old's care about holding hands?
The thing was that Taeyong wasn’t too lucky when it came to normal teenage/adult experience and everything he went through was beyond hand holding, so despite everything he did, no one’s ever just casually held his hand.
JULY 2020
Taeyong wasn’t sure why he agreed to having a birthday party at Yuta’s place. He didn’t feel like he had enough friends to have a party and his fears were confirmed when despite only six people attending, three of them weren’t even aware they were there to celebrate his birthday, they thought they’re just there to hang out.
He didn’t want to act rude or ungrateful, but the atmosphere was very awkward for a long time.
Before getting drunk enough to forget how he felt, Taeyong texted Doyoung. He considered it an act of weakness practically the second he did it, but he didn’t have time to ponder on it because being on his phone when people are sort of celebrating his birthday isn’t something Taeyong would do.
Doyoung replied quick enough, quicker than his usual few hours to even read Taeyong’s message and a few more hours to actually reply to it, saying he wasn’t in the city, so he couldn’t come over to help him out. The quick reply gave Taeyong hope and he texted back right away asking if he could at least text Doyoung if things got too weird and he didn’t know what to do.
Doyoung never replied to that text.
It’s probably for the best that he didn’t because if he would’ve said yes, Taeyong would just focus on how he has to feel miserable in order to be able to talk to Doyoung, but he actually ended up having a good night, more or less; God bless alcohol.
Taeyong back then rarely mentioned Doyoung in conversations with his friends because he felt like it would make an unnecessarily big deal out of their friendship , so he couldn’t find it in himself to complain about the way he was treated with all the mixed signals Doyoung was sending, so he just simply got used to it and decided that it was healthy enough . And compared to all the shit Taeyong had to go through in the past, Doyoung really was healthy enough in comparison.
FEBRUARY 2022
Taeyong knew his cooking skills barely could be considered average, but on Valentine’s Day, he went out and got everything he needed for his heart-shaped pizza, despite being aware of the fact that he absolutely should not waste any money. The pizza was edible, but Taeyong couldn’t really comprehend why he thought he would do good. He also couldn’t decide if it was nice to have time just for himself, or if it was just purely pathetic to do all that considering he had time just for himself practically all the time.
He was lonely and he hated every second of it, but he didn’t know what to do about it because there was only one person Taeyong wanted by his side, and that one person didn’t seem like he really wanted to spend a second with Taeyong.
Taeyong didn’t know what really went wrong or if anything ever really went right, but he missed Doyoung every single day, and every single day he forgot more and more about all the endless hours of crying that were cause by Doyoung’s cold behavior towards him when they were sober.
Doyoung was never flat out mean or anything, but he just didn’t seem like he actually liked Taeyong beyond drunken words and occasional touches; touches which got progressively more suggestive within the almost two years of them knowing each other.
Taeyong didn’t know how to be alone because he never truly was; every time he started thinking about how lonely he feels, his brain was full of Doyoung. He wasn’t lonely in his brain since Doyoung was always there, but physically, he had nobody.
He wasn’t able to think about the future without getting stuck in the fear of his future not involving Doyoung. He didn’t want to hurt anymore, but he also didn’t want the future to come because he knew that there realistically isn’t a scenario in which him and Doyoung actually work out, and Taeyong wasn’t ready to accept that just yet, so he was stuck with being lonely with Doyoung.
OCTOBER 2020
After not seeing Doyoung the entire summer, Taeyong felt confident that he’d be just fine when they actually meet again. Their mothers decided to spend the weekend away from the city in September, and Taeyong was expected to tag along as well considering it was supposed to be a family trip, but he just couldn’t. He instead planned a ‘party’ with a few of his friends while his family would be gone.
He felt that skipping the trip was what would save him from Doyoung because he wouldn’t have to spend multiple days with him, and he really thought it worked. He enjoyed the time he spent with his friends instead, and when his mother announced that her friend and Doyoung would be coming over one Friday in October, Taeyong was okay with it.
It would be the first time seeing Doyoung since June, but he didn’t feel anxious.
However, it didn’t take that long for him to realize he should’ve been a lot more anxious because Doyoung still had him wrapped around his finger in his own way. It didn’t feel toxic, and it wasn’t toxic to anyone looking because Taeyong was a willing participant. He never told Doyoung about how confused he is about their arrangement and that’s precisely why it took Taeyong another eight months to even realize just how much he’s suffering.
They all talked about their trip and about how they missed Taeyong and for a while Taeyong regretted not going with them, but the truth was that it probably was for the best he didn’t go because while it possibly would’ve helped with realizing how deep in he is, it would just prolong the pain for eight months, because nothing would’ve changed if he realized sooner; he would still act and feel the same way and he knew that.
He liked being a willing participant in his own suffering.
DECEMBER 2020
Taeyong knew who would be coming over on New Year’s and he wasn’t bothered; if anything, he was excited. He was living with his grandparents at that point, but it was decided in advance that Taeyong would be spending the holidays with his mother, his younger sister and his step-father.
They haven’t really celebrated New Year’s in a while, so it was good to have people around, but it eventually turned into a shitshow.
It wasn’t bad bad, but it wasn’t great either.
Taeyong ended up crying because of something that seems unsignificant now, so he went to his room because he didn’t want to bring anyone’s mood down, but Doyoung and his mother decided to come calm him down, which in turn only made Taeyong cry more, because he still didn’t know how to react to comfort.
He eventually pulled himself together and they all went back to the living room, but it still shifted something in the relationship between him and Doyoung; first tears are always bound to change things, for better or for worse. Taeyong had no idea what outcome this would have.
MAY 2021
April wasn’t the gentlest on Taeyong’s mental health and May wasn’t any kinder. His grandparents kicked him out for a plethora of reasons, so he was back living with his mother, which involved nonstop rants about how useless Taeyong is since he still doesn’t have a job and can’t help out with the family’s income.
He tried his best when it came to looking for jobs, and he even sold a lot of his belongings to make sure he gives his mother at least something every once in a while. He made sure not to eat too often and too much so that she doesn’t have to worry about getting extra food now that he’s living with them, but nothing was ever good enough for her.
Taeyong wasn’t sure if that was the worst time of his life so far, but if it wasn’t the worst, it took the second worst spot for sure. And seeing Doyoung during that time felt like a sign. A sign that maybe it’s not as bad as his brain is making out to be. They still had yet to spend time together while sober, but the drunk evenings were enough for him even if they were sparse.
Everything was perfectly fine when Doyoung and his mom came over; no one was yelling at Taeyong, no one was complaining about anything beyond things outside of the room and everyone was laughing, dancing and falling – sometimes all three activities at once. It was hard to see Doyoung as anything other than a light in the darkness, so that’s exactly what he became to Taeyong.
Taeyong especially enjoyed the night they were celebrating his mother’s birthday, so she invited them over, and when him and Doyoung were dancing, nothing else mattered to him. In Taeyong’s mind, it was just the two of them and no one else. No overbearing mother, no struggle to get a job, no issues with getting money, no lack of will to live. When they were dancing, Taeyong felt happy.
That night would be the last time he’d see Doyoung until September, and it would also be the first time he’d realize that Doyoung isn’t making him happy; Doyoung is making him emotionally dependent.
AUGUST 2021
“I’m not sure what you want me to say, Taeyong,” Yuta sighed. He was over for drinks almost every Friday and almost every Friday he had to deal with Taeyong sooner or later starting to talk about Doyoung and about how unsure Taeyong feels about his own feelings towards him. “I’ve told you before that while it might sound harsh, you two are not meant to be and that’s just how it is,” he said, partially apologetic.
“Maybe we just haven’t spent enough time together to really know that, though. I mean, he’s been gone for the summer again, we haven’t even talked since June,” Taeyong tried to argue.
“And how is that not telling you exactly the same thing I’m telling you? You haven’t seen him since May, you haven’t talked to him since June because you’re the only one who ever makes the effort to talk when you guys are sober. He’s making you feel like shit in the long run and for what?”
When they first started talking about it after Taeyong’s birthday in July, Yuta was more patient and a lot gentler with his words, but after months of going over the same thing over and over again, Yuta was losing patience with his best friend. If he were to be very honest – which he would never actually say out loud – Yuta thought Taeyong was flat out stupid for not seeing the toxicity of the whole thing.
“But that’s on me,” Taeyong pleaded desperately at that point. “I never told him anything, he doesn’t know how I feel.”
“Well then either tell him or stop talking about it, Jesus Christ, I don’t know what else to tell you,” Taeyong knew that Yuta doesn’t mean to sound mean and that he just likes to go about things logically more than emotionally, but he sometimes also hurt Taeyong with his words which made him close off.
Taeyong wanted to tell him that he just doesn’t understand because he’s been with his partner since the second year of high school, so he doesn’t have to worry about the fear of being rejected, but Taeyong would never say that out loud. He could be an asshole, sure, but he wasn’t enough of an asshole to guilt his best friend into feeling bad about being in a happy relationship.
“Okay,” was the last thing Taeyong said about that topic before walking to get more drinks and switching to a different topic immediately after getting back.
FEBRUARY 2022
It was very easy for Taeyong to just forget about the months he spent thinking about Doyoung and seeing how messed up he actually was because of how he was acting.
Taeyong thought about the first time they met and how they talked shit about the guy his mom brought over that evening to introduce to everyone, about how close they were. He thought about the first time Doyoung held his hand and how refreshingly gentle it was after everything Taeyong’s been through. He thought about how Doyoung was the one to sit with him when he cried on New Year’s and he was the one to dance with him when he was at his worst. He thought about the empty words of reassurance Doyoung gave him when asked if he’s okay with Taeyong being close to him.
He wasn’t willing to think about all the nights he spent crying because he didn’t know if any of it meant anything. He didn’t want to think about how embarrassed he felt every time he tried to text Doyoung and Doyoung sometimes didn’t even bother to reply and then when they met in person, it was never brought up. He didn’t want to think about how incredibly awkward it was every time they accidentally ran into each other in public and neither of them said anything beyond ‘hi’.
Taeyong thought about how good Doyoung was for him.
He wasn’t willing to think about how that wasn’t true at all.
SEPTEMBER 2021
It was once again time for the family’s weekend away from the city and this year, Taeyong made the decision to actually join. One of his mother’s friends swapped in for Taeyong’s stepfather and Taeyong felt like that way he can actually enjoy it and maybe actually get something out of Doyoung to finally prove to Yuta that the situation isn’t as simple as he keeps telling him.
Until the very last moment, Taeyong wasn’t even sure if Doyoung would be tagging along because of a friendship drama their mothers were going through, but they ended up figuring it out – for the time being.
The only appropriate way to describe the four days would be really fucking emotional and for once in his life, not really emotional for Taeyong. He was the only person there who didn’t end up crying or breaking down at any point during their time away. Even Doyoung, who mostly just seemed like a stone when it came to letting his feelings show, had a big breakdown. And Taeyong was right there by his side to calm him down because that’s what he felt like he needed to do.
The whole trip was very emotionally exhausting for Taeyong because every single night when everyone got drunk, he needed to calm someone down; it was always him because he was the only one who was able to keep it together. That in itself surprised Taeyong because he is by nature an emotional guy, but what felt good to him, no matter how selfish that is, was the fact that he was the one calming Doyoung down and no one else. Doyoung was Taeyong’s responsibility and he saw nothing wrong with that.
Taeyong came home from the trip feeling good about it. No matter all the arguments, all the tears and the fact that no one ever asked about how he feels – he still considered the trip to be a success because it brought him closer to Doyoung emotionally.
It took Taeyong a couple of weeks to realize that he was the only one who felt like that and nothing changed for Doyoung.
NOVEMBER 2021
Taeyong finally got a job and he couldn’t be more excited. It wasn’t the job in itself that excited him because fuck capitalism and all that, but he met people he got along with very easily, and the job wasn’t too hard really. He worked in a bookstore which opened up his passion for reading again, resulting in Taeyong feeling better about life in general because it’s been a while since he truly felt passionate about anything, and he missed it.
His mother was happy she finally got more money from him and he was too excited to argue with her that with how much money she wants, he’ll never be able to save money to move out, because honestly speaking, it would be a useless argument to have and it wouldn’t lead to anything. Taeyong was just happy no one was calling him useless anymore; or at least not as often.
He thought about Doyoung here and there, but with him having a job, he didn’t really participate in his mother’s social life anymore unless some of his mother’s friends whom he’d actually known since childhood came over, because it was always fun to hang out with your aunties once you can get drunk along with them.
When he worked long weeks, he worked the whole weekend, so he didn’t expect anyone to be over when he came from work one Saturday after 10pm, but life is unpredictable, so people were over; one of those people being Doyoung.
They haven’t seen each other since September and Taeyong had to wake up at 6 the next morning, so he wasn’t expecting himself to stay up with them or drink, but Doyoung and his mother had a way of persuading him into having fun even when he didn’t feel like having fun, and even though he went to sleep past 4am absolutely wasted and survived the day at work only thanks to copious amount of energy drinks and coffee (bless his heart for surviving all the caffeine intake), it was one of the best nights of his whole year.
For the first time in a long time, Taeyong didn’t feel like an extension of his mother, he didn’t feel like a toy Doyoung sometimes enjoys when no one else is around, he felt like a part of Doyoung’s little family, and he was sure that that was it. That was the end of all his issues with understanding Doyoung because he now saw that none of it had to be romantic. The end of all the sleepless nights, the end to all the tears and all the insecurity Doyoung made him feel.
It was supposed to be the start of moving on.
DECEMBER 2021
The plan for New Year’s was simple – there was no plan.
Taeyong’s mother talked about possibly having Doyoung and his mom over, along with other two of her friends, but the conclusion was that they would be spending the day alone. Taeyong was a bit disappointed because he still lived his life in the fake reality that everything between him and Doyoung was resolved and his feelings were very straight forward.
He decided to visit his father that day because he still had Christmas gifts to give, mainly to his little brother. His dad had to leave for work, but he stayed a bit longer to talk with his stepmom a bit more, because she truly was the only person Taeyong really felt like he could talk to in his family, except for his sister.
Everything was going according to the non existent plan except Taeyong having to walk home because he somehow forgot to take money tor the bus, but he didn’t really mind walking.
The real game-changer came when Taeyong got home and the first face to greet him was Doyoung’s. However, Taeyong played the nonchalant role, as if he was expecting this to happen eventually, he just automatically joined the group without making anyone doubt whether he knew about this or not.
Nothing was going out of the ordinary; people got drunk and people were happy, they danced and joked around, no one would expect that anything bad could happen at any point – and nothing bad happened, at least not anything that would be considered bad.
At midnight, everyone had a glass of champagne together, wished each other a great year and kissed on the cheek or mouth, depending on where the lips landed – it was customary and no one would think any of it. No one except Taeyong.
When they spent the last New Year’s celebration together, Taeyong and Doyoung refrained from the kiss. It was a custom, there was nothing weird about it, yet they both just stopped themselves. The difference was that this year they didn’t; that’s what made the light kiss mean something.
They weren’t willing to go for it last year so what changed?
FEBRUARY 2022
Taeyong was in love. He’s probably been in love for a long time already and just failed to recognize it.
Taeyong hated every second of being in love.
The only experience Taeyong had with romantic relationships was being used by his then best friend throughout the entirety of his teenage years. He was shamed basically for everything he did, his best friend made sure they weren’t seen together and that his friends never find out about them, and Taeyong just went with it because he thought that that’s what love is.
You hear that shit everywhere; in every song, in every movie, in every book – love is pain . And Taeyong had enough pain to share around, so of course he felt like what they had is good; that what they have is healthy.
He felt good when he was set free and could go his own way to find the true meaning of love, to feel it the right way, and Doyoung made him feel different than his best friend, so of course Taeyong’s conclusion was that Doyoung is healthy.
Doyoung was never ashamed of him, he never pulled away, he always leaned in more. He listened to Taeyong and trusted him enough to let himself go when he needed to vent. He was everything Taeyong never had and more.
He was all Taeyong wished to love, but he was all that only when he was drunk.
Every other time, Doyoung was pain .
Taeyong’s been in love for a long time without realizing, but it took him way longer to realize that nothing about what he felt was healthy. It was easy to compare it to what he previously went through and say hey, this is good . But what he failed to see was that just because one situation is better than other, doesn’t mean that it’s any good.
Killing a cat is technically better than killing a child, but both scenarios are wrong.
It’s just up to Taeyong to deal with the mess he got himself into and move on from all the pain Doyoung has cost him. Love isn’t pain, Taeyong’s perception of it is.
MARCH 2022
“Talked to Doyoung’s mom today,” Taeyong just nodded at his mom because he didn’t really know how to respond to that. He’s tried his best in the past few weeks to unlearn everything Doyoung’s taught him, but every mention of him was a setback.
“I invited them over, and they’re both very excited, so don’t make any plans on Friday,” his mom announced, knowing that Taeyong never had any plans, and Taeyong just stayed silent.
It was time to test what exactly love is to Taeyong now.