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The day when he met him was the day his world tilted on its axis. He was loud, he was whiny, but he was a star. He shone bright wherever he went; every room lit up in an incandescent glow when he stepped in. He was the sun, and everyone else were moons; merely reflecting his light.
Hajime was no different. He couldn’t help but orbit the star that was Oikawa Tooru. But even as he shined bright, it was inevitable that he crashed. After all, aren’t you supposed to burn if you’re a star?
****
It was springtime; the earth was just waking up and the air was getting warmer. The cherry trees were painted with a bright pink. Hajime sat in the large sandbox situated in the middle of the playground, playing with his dinosaur toys. Right now, the two T-rexes were battling it out; whoever won got to eat the triceratops.
“Hajime!” He looked over his shoulder and saw his mom waving him over. He really didn’t want to abandon his dinosaurs, but his mom looked excited about something. He set the toys down and brushed the sand off his shorts. He made his way over to the bench his mom sat at. “Yes?”
His mom smiled and pointed next to her. “We’ve got some new neighbors. Why don’t you come say hi?” Hajime looked over to the other people sitting on the bench. One was a woman with wavy hair and big, brown eyes. There was also a little boy who looked about Hajime’s age. He looked just like the woman; his hair was just a little lighter.
“Hi!” the other woman chirped. “My name’s Oikawa Akari. What’s yours?” Hajime hesitated and looked over at his mom. She nodded encouragingly. Hajime was looking at the boy again. He was now crouched down, picking up some fallen cherry blossoms. He looked back over to Akari. “Hajime.”
He figured he could only use his given name; his mom most likely already told her their surname. “Why don’t you introduce yourself?” Hajime saw Akari tap her son’s shoulder. He looked up. The boy stood up and smiled. “My name’s Tooru.” Hajime could see one of Tooru’s teeth were missing. It made his smile look funny.
Hajime just nodded and turned to go back to his playing. “Make sure to be nice, Hajime,” his mom called out. “I will!” he shouted back, without turning to look at her. He could here grass crunching behind him. “Wait up!” Hajime looked back and saw Tooru running to keep up with him.
Hajime sat cross-legged in the sand box again. Tooru popped into view, head tilted to meet Hajime’s gaze. “What’re you doing?” “Playing.” Tooru climbed into the box and sat next to him. “Well, what’re you playing?” Hajime huffed. “Dinosaurs.” Tooru reached over and took one of the T-rexes. “Ooh! Can I play?” Hajime wanted to say no. These were his toys; he shouldn’t have to share. But Tooru was looking at him with the biggest puppy-dog eyes.
“Okay.” “How do you play?” Hajime turned to look at Tooru. His hair already had sand in it and the petals he collected rested on his right knee. “These two were fighting to see who could eat the plant-eating dinosaur.” He gestured to the set-up he already had. Tooru scrunched his face up. “Why do they have to fight? They should be friends.”
Hajime scowled. “No. They’re supposed to fight. My mom said that meat-eaters weren’t friends with plant-eaters.” Tooru tossed the T-rex back in the middle and walked away. Hajime furrowed his eyebrows. What was his deal? He just shrugged. Oh, well. Not his problem.
“Here.” A rather large rock was held in front of Hajime’s face. “This will be the alien ship. The dinosaurs have to escape, or else they’ll be kidnapped and taken to the alien’s planet.” Hajime looked up to see Tooru’s crooked, snaggle-toothed grin. He nodded. “Okay. You’ll be the alien captain.” Tooru nodded enthusiastically.
“Hajime! Tooru! It’s time to go.” They had both been in the sandbox for what felt like days. Tooru had taken to laying on his stomach and Hajime was sprawled out on his back. Tooru was pouting now. “I told you the aliens shouldn’t have eaten the dinosaurs. You always choose violence.” Hajime just rolled his eyes. “What else were they supposed to do with them? Keep them as pets?” “Yeah! I told you that, but you said it was dumb.” “’Cause it is.”
“You’re so mean, Iwa-chan.” Hajime looked at Tooru. “Iwa-chan,” he repeated slowly. “Yep. That’s your name.” Hajime took a handful of sand and threw it at Tooru; it landed in the middle of his back. “You suck, Trashykawa.” Tooru screeched and sat up quickly, wiping the sand off of his back. “You’re so rude!” Tooru took a smaller clump of sand and tossed it on Hajime’s stomach.
“What are you doing?” They both looked up and saw their moms staring at them. “Why are you throwing sand at each other?” “Iwa-chan did it first!” Hajime’s mom just laughed. “Looks like they’re getting along well enough.”
“Bye-bye, Iwa-chan!” Tooru was waving wildly as he held his mom’s hand. “Bye.” Hajime gathered his toys and grabbed his mom’s hand. He watched Tooru’s retreating back and gave a small smile. Tooru was weird, but Hajime guessed he wasn’t terrible.
“So, how did you get along with Tooru-chan?” Hajime looked up at his mom and shrugged. “He’s weird.” After a moment, he added, “but he makes a good alien captain. I like ‘im.” His mom smiled. “I’m glad. They just moved in next door. I think he’s going to be attending your school, too.” Hajime nodded.
Oikawa Tooru was a scabby- kneed, snaggle-toothed kid when Hajime first met him. What he wouldn’t give to just see that same overly- bright smile one more time.
****
Once Tooru became interested in volleyball, it seemed to be all he could think about. His whole little world revolved around volleyball. And of course, wherever Tooru went, Hajime was never too far behind.
Tooru seemed to have his own gravitational pull; sucking in anybody that was close enough to be affected.
They were ten years old when Tooru managed to suck Hajime in again. “Come on, Iwa-chan! Just toss to me real quick.” Of course, he hadn’t dropped that stupid nickname. “I already told you, I don’t want to. Find someone else.” Tooru plopped down in the grass of his front yard, volleyball sitting tightly in his lap. He looked ridiculously crestfallen. Hajime was always a sucker for Tooru.
“Fine. But if I hate it, you’ll have to find someone else.” At that, Tooru immediately perked up. “Deal! C’mon, we can practice in the backyard.”
Hajime came to the realization that volleyball didn’t really suck. Whether it was because he was genuinely interested in the sport, or because it was Tooru playing with him, he didn’t know. He sure as hell wouldn’t mention it to Tooru himself, lest his ego inflate anymore. They had been playing for a good twenty minutes in the backyard. Hajime sent a rough toss Tooru’s way. It sent Tooru falling right on his butt. His eyes began to water, and his nose was red.
“Whoops. You okay?” Tooru sat there a moment before springing back up. “That was a really good toss, Iwa-chan! You’d make a great spiker!” He was still holding his nose, but his wide smile showed off the dimple on his right cheek. Hajime snorted and shook his head. “You’re crazy, Tooru.” Tooru just laughed and picked up the ball. “C’mon. I’m pretty sure mom’s making lunch. I also need an ice pack.”
“What happened to you?” Tooru’s mom asked when they walked in through the back door. “Iwa-chan threw a ball at my face.” “I didn’t mean to hit you. You just shouldn’t receive balls with your face.”
Tooru’s mom chuckled and shook her head. “You need to be more careful. Do you need an ice pack?” Tooru nodded. “Hajime-chan, you’re staying for lunch, right?” Hajime nodded as he removed his shoes. “Yeah. My mom’s supposed to be off work at 5:30.” Tooru’s mom nodded as well as she sliced some melon.
“Here you go,” she said as she sat down a plate in front of Hajime and Tooru. “Thanks, mom.” Akari ruffled Tooru’s hair as she walked past. “I’ll be out in the living room if you boys need me.” “Okay,” they said in unison, with a mouthful of melon.
The summer heat seeped through the windows and the light reflected in Tooru’s honey brown eyes. “When we get to middle school, you’ll be on the volleyball team with me, won’t you?” Hajime swallowed his large bite and looked over at Tooru. “Duh. I can’t let you just go by yourself.” Tooru smiled. “Good. I think I’d be really lonely without you, Iwa-chan.”
Thinking back on it now, those words leave a hollow feeling in Hajime’s chest. Lonely. Tooru wouldn’t have to worry about being lonely. No, there’s always more than one star in the sky. Tooru would just be one of them.
****
Tooru was like a prodigy. He excelled in everything he did. He put his entire being into the one thing he was most passionate about: volleyball.
He pushed himself and pushed himself. Hajime sometimes worried about him pushing himself so far. They were in their first year of middle school. It seems like Hajime has been glued to Tooru’s side since day one. They were tied together by an invisible string.
Where Tooru went, Hajime followed him; they walked side by side. Hajime helped pick up the messes Tooru made. Hell, Tooru himself seemed to be a walking mess. He was a self-destructive, ticking time bomb. Hajime sometimes had to wait for the explosive aftermath. He had to wait for Tooru to crumble, so he could help pick up the fallen pieces.
In their third year of middle school, a new prodigy made himself known. Kageyama Tobio. He was an incredible setter, one that Tooru viewed as competition. No matter how many times Hajime told Tooru that he, too, was an amazing setter, it never seemed good enough. Tooru seemed to always feel the need to prove himself. He had to be better. He could do better.
“Oikawa, you’ve been here long enough. Come on, let’s go.” Hajime could remember hearing his voice bounce off the large gym walls. Tooru had been the last one in the gym. He always was. He was bouncing the ball, eyes set forward. He tossed it in the air, ran, and jumped. It was like a slow-motion video. The ball smacked Tooru’s palm harshly and it landed on the other side of the net. The loud smack! sounded and echoed. “Just one more, Iwa-chan.”
Hajime began to grow frustrated. He said that every single time. “I’m not going to watch you work yourself to the bone and hurt yourself.” He walked over to Tooru and snatched the new ball from his hands. He tossed it in the basket and glared at Tooru. His glare softened when he saw Tooru’s expression. “Come on. We can practice again tomorrow, yeah?” Tooru nodded silently.
The walk back to their houses was silent. The chilly air nipped at their cheeks and reddened their noses. “Will I ever be as good as Tobio?” The question caught Hajime off guard. “What do you mean? You’re already an amazingly skilled player, Tooru.” He could see Tooru’s back stiffen, and he kept his head down to avoid eye contact. That was never a good sign.
“But Tobio’s only a first year. He still has a lot of growing to do. I’m probably done. I don’t have any room left to get better.” Hajime didn’t say anything for a moment. It was always hard to deal with Tooru when he got like this. He retreated in his shell and curled up tightly, refusing to budge. He blocked out other noises and seemed to completely detach himself from everyone around him. Hajime hated it. He hated seeing Tooru like this.
He stopped abruptly and turned to face Tooru. “What the hell are you talking about, Shittykawa? How many times do I have to tell you not to compare yourself to other people? You’re amazing. Get that through your thick head.” Tooru looked back up and smiled sadly. “Geez. I don’t know where I’d be without you, Iwa-chan. Probably not here.”
Don’t say that. It’s what he wanted to say in that moment, what he should have said. But he didn’t. Instead, he shook his head and playfully rolled his eyes. “Come on, you can stay at my house tonight.” Tooru nodded and adjusted his school bag that was hanging off of his left shoulder. “Let’s watch Spirited Away.” Hajime huffed in an overly dramatic fashion. “Again? Didn’t we just watch that the other day?” Tooru tsked. “You can never watch Spirited Away too many times, Iwa-chan.” “Yeah, yeah.” Tooru playfully shoved Hajime’s shoulder as they kept walking.
That night, Hajime woke up in the middle of the night to the sound of sniffling. Tooru sat on the floor with his knees pulled up to his chin. His nose was cherry red, and tears streamed down his face. Hajime could see the steady river of tears collect in larger drops on his chin. He watched the rhythmic drip of them falling on Tooru’s pajama pants.
Hajime rubbed the rest of the remaining sleep out of his eyes. “Tooru?” Tooru hurriedly wiped his face and turned to face Hajime. “What are you doing?” Tooru shook his head and laughed. It was hollow and lifeless. “Nothing, nothing. I was just stargazing.” Hajime gave him a blank look. “Why were you crying?” Tooru held up his hands and shook his head again. “I wasn’t.”
“Then why is your nose all red?”
Tooru brought his hand up and rubbed his nose, as if trying to rub away the redness. “I just sneezed. You worry too much, Iwa-chan. Let’s go back to bed.” Hajime was still skeptical but didn’t question it any farther. You worry too much, he had said. If anything, he should have worried more.
Tooru really was a ticking time bomb. Hajime always tried to prepare himself for the inevitable explosion, but in the end, it was never really enough. He should have held on a little tighter.
****
Tooru had taken to stargazing a lot more. He would use the ladder in their backyard to climb on his house’s roof. He would rest on the flat part and tilt his head up. The twinkling lights always seemed so inviting. “Tooru?”
Tooru turned his head and saw the upper part of Hajime’s body. “Hey, Iwa-chan.”
Hajime dragged himself up until his whole body was next to Tooru’s. “What are you doing up here?” Tooru just shrugged and tilted his head to look at Hajime. “I like looking at the stars.” “Can I join you?” Tooru nodded his head silently. “Hey, Iwa-chan?” Hajime turned to face Tooru. “Yeah?”
Tooru paused for a moment and bit his lip. “Have you ever wanted to touch the stars?” Hajime was a bit confused. That was an odd question. “No? How would you even touch a star?” Tooru continued looking at the dark sky. “I dunno. I mean, not really touch a star. I just think it’d be nice to float up and touch one. To live with them or something.” Hajime didn’t really know what to say. Trying to figure Tooru out was like trying to solve a puzzle with millions of pieces.
He spoke again. “Hey, Iwa?” “Hmm?” Hajime could see Tooru take a deep breath. “Do you ever wonder what it’d be like to just, I dunno, disappear?” Hajime sat up abruptly. “You’re starting to freak me out, Tooru. Are you okay?” Tooru just laughed at that. A thin, gray laugh. “You really do worry too much, Iwa-chan. I was just thinking, is all. Look, isn’t that Ursa Major?” He changed the subject swiftly and pointed to a cluster of stars to their right. Hajime followed his finger and nodded.
“Yeah, I think so.” Hajime could see the stars reflect in Tooru’s eyes. At that moment, all he wanted to do was reach out and grab an armful of stars. Just to make Tooru happy.
****
It was their second year of high school; Tooru was now a shooting star. Still burning, but rapidly falling. Hajime desperately tried to catch the scattering fragments in his open palms. But Tooru still fell. He still crumbled.
It was a cold night; Hajime could see his breath puff out in front of him as he waited for Tooru. Hajime told him he had another ten minutes. He stuffed his hands in his jacket pocket and slumped against the wall. He suddenly jolted when there was a sharp cry of pain from inside the gym. He ran through the double doors and saw Tooru on the floor, tightly clutching his right knee. “What the hell happened?”
Hajime hurried over to his side. Tooru was crying silently but tried to brush it off. “It’s probably nothing.” Yet even as he tried to stand, he almost doubled over. Hajime quickly caught him and slung his arm over his shoulder. “Damn it, Oikawa. I told you you’d get hurt if you kept pushing yourself.” Tooru said nothing as they both hobbled towards the door.
It obviously wasn’t ‘nothing’. Tooru had torn his ACL. The doctor said he wouldn’t need surgery, but only if physical therapy helped restore his full range of motion.
“I really hate this,” Tooru grumbled. He had been acting miserable ever since the first doctor appointment. “You’ll be fine. Besides, at least you’re almost done with your therapy.” Tooru nodded, but Hajime could tell he wasn’t listening.
Tooru seemed even more distant than usual lately. Hajime could tell his spirits were crushed. He tore his ACL and their team kept losing to Shiratorizawa. Specifically, Ushijima. Tooru hated him. He hated losing. Hajime could remember the tears of frustration when they first lost to Ushijima’s team. Since then, Tooru has been pushing himself harder. Even harder than before.
“Tooru, you need to eat something.” Hajime had been trying to convince Tooru to at least eat something small since that morning. He always refused. “I’m not hungry.” He said that a lot now. “Please, Tooru.” Tooru looked over at Hajime and saw the pleading in his eyes. “Okay.”
That night, Hajime stayed over at Tooru’s house. Tooru stayed up well past Hajime. He opted for looking out the window. The stars seemed closer that night.
****
Third year. Tooru and Hajime’s team went up against Karasuno. This was it. Their last shot at Nationals before they were off to university. Tooru was a nervous wreck, but he never let anyone but Hajime see it.
It was like Tooru was split in two people. One was the boy that almost everyone saw. The arrogant, cocky boy that didn’t care about what anyone thought of him or what he did. The other part was the scared boy. The boy scared of rejection. The boy desperately trying to climb up the latter of life. The one that Hajime saw.
They played a damn good game. Tooru’s serves and sets were as freakishly powerful as ever. But in the end, it wasn’t enough. They weren’t enough.
It was still cold out. Hajime and Tooru were silent. Tooru was crying, but so was Hajime. “I’m sorry.” Hajime looked over at Tooru. Before he could ask why he was apologizing, Tooru spoke again. “I’m sorry, Iwa-chan. I blew it in the third set. I still wasn’t good enough out there.” Hajime shook his head. “No,” he said firmly.
“You played great out there, okay? I’m not going to let you tell yourself otherwise.” Tooru nodded but still kept his head down. “Can I come over to your place tonight? I don’t want to sleep alone.” Hajime nodded and looped his arm around Tooru’s shoulders. Hajime should have savored the physical contact more.
He would bring down the moon in the sky just to feel his warmth again.
****
For a while after that, it felt like Hajime had the old Tooru back. His Tooru. Tooru spent more time over at his house and was even more affectionate than usual.
They only had a little bit of time left until they went their separate ways to university. “I’m really gonna miss you, Iwa.” Hajime turned to face Tooru. They were sitting in Hajime’s room, watching a movie. “I will too. But you’re not leaving yet, so let’s enjoy the time we have left, yeah?” Tooru faced him. His eyes seemed glazed over and distant.
“Yeah. But I really will miss you. So much.”
They were changing for bed when Hajime saw them. He turned to ask Tooru if he needed to borrow a shirt when Tooru was changing his underwear. It wasn’t anything he’d never seen before. That wasn’t what he saw.
Lining Tooru’s right thigh were faint, pink scars. Some looked fresher than the others. They were straight and in rather even lines. Hajime wanted to scream. “Tooru?”
Tooru’s head turned to look at him and he quickly pulled up his pajama pants. “Yeah?” Hajime had to swallow the lump in his throat. “You know, you can talk to me about anything, right?” Tooru’s head tilted in confusion. “Yeah. What brought this on, Iwa-chan?” Hajime felt his eyes burn. “Is there anything bothering you? Anything that you want to talk about?” “No? I promise everything’s fine, Iwa. Let’s get some sleep. I’m tired.”
Liar, Hajime thought. Everything is not fine. He wanted to shout. Talk to me! Please! Please.
Tooru was already crawling in bed and patted the empty space next to him. “C’mon. It’s getting late.”
Tooru’s back faced away from Hajime as he slept. There was only an inch or two between them, but it felt like hundreds of miles. Hajime wanted to reach and cradle Tooru in his arms like he would a small child.
He wanted to hold him and never let go. He was afraid that if he let go, Tooru wouldn’t come back.
****
“I love you.” Hajime grunted in his sleep. It was after one in the morning and his head was still foggy from his sleep haze. Had he dreamt those words and that voice? Reaching his hand over, he felt that the other side of the bed was cold. He suddenly shot up. Rubbing the sleep out of his eyes, he frantically looked around the room. “Tooru?” Of course, there was no response.
Hajime searched all around his house. There was no sign of the one person he desperately tried to find. He could hear the words more clearly now. “I love you, Iwa-chan. Hajime shook his head as he opened the front door and bolted out. The air around him was a bit chilly, but nothing could compare to the cold that settled deep in his bones. He had an awful feeling of dread pooling in his stomach. Where the hell was Tooru?
A thought came to Hajime’s mind. No. he wouldn’t do that. But that lingering thought remained.
Had Tooru been crying out for help this whole time? Was Hajime such a shitty person that he didn’t even realize his best friend needed him? Hajime always thought that he was there to pick up Tooru’s fallen pieces. Had he missed the major ones?
He tried to catch the falling star fragments in his hands, even if they burned him. Had some of those crashed right next to him? Hajime felt stupid. So, so stupid.
Please, he thought. Please let him be okay. Hajime prayed to any listening deity that might be out there.
His jogging slowed when he neared a large bridge that wasn’t too far from his house. The moon sat high in the sky, painting everything beneath in a pearly white glow. Tooru sat on the edge, feet dangling off the edge. Like this, Hajime vaguely thought, Tooru looked beautiful in the moonlight.
“Tooru?” Hajime approached quietly, so he didn’t startle him. Tooru didn’t turn to face him, but Hajime could see that he was crying. Hajime crept closer until he stood next to Tooru’s still body. “Please don’t.” Hajime looked at him, confused.
Hajime sat beside Tooru. “Can you please come back home?” Hajime wanted to get up and yell. I love you too, idiot! What the hell were you thinking?! You can’t leave me!
Tooru just shook his head and abruptly stood up. He squeezed his eyes shut and yanked his hair. “I can’t. I can’t do this. I need to do this, Iwa. Please. Please, please, please.” Tooru had taken to a crouching position as he held his head between his knees. His shoulders shook with his sobs. “Please,” he whispered one last time.
Before Hajime could get up to say something, anything, Tooru stood up again. His face was completely blank, but his eyes reflected all the stars in the sky. He took his hand and reached up, as if he tried to grab one of those same stars.
Giving a sad smile, he turned to face Hajime. “I really do love you, y’know.” Everything moved in slow motion as Tooru gave that last, beautiful smile. Hajime shouted. Or at least he tried to. He tried to grab his hand. He tried to save that falling star he met so many years ago.
But Oikawa Tooru was the brightest star of them all. Stars are beautiful. But all stars eventually burn out. That bright, flaming light was extinguished. Hajime’s sun was no longer in his sky.
What he wouldn’t do to bask in that warmth again.
*
Looking at the night sky was never the same again. Everything beautiful and bright and shining disappeared.
Looking at all those twinkling lights filled Hajime with an indescribable emptiness. But he knew, somewhere up there was his star.
After all, there had to be a place in the sky reserved for a star as bright as Oikawa Tooru.