Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

Jonghyun was very observant.

It was a quality he inherited from his father, or so his mother always said. He didn't really know from whom he inherited that trait, but it was his mom who told him he was like this since he was a little boy.

Indeed, he remembered episodes of him being observant, such as when Junsu—his seat mate and closest friend in kindergarten—had pushed zucchinis to the side of his dosirak whenever his mom packed it as a side dish for lunch. Jonghyun had always liked zucchini, but not the cherry tomatoes his mom insisted on putting in his lunchbox despite his complaints. He still didn’t like them twenty years later.

What he remembered the most, though, was the smile Junsu flashed him after he suggested a trade of their most disliked food ever. It had been as big as the pride he felt that day. 

His life after that was marred with similar episodes, and there were so many that he couldn't think of a day when he didn’t notice a quirk about someone. Such as how his oldest noona always wore her hair down because she disliked how big her ears were (they weren’t), or how his first dance teacher had favoured his left leg. Jonghyun had learned later that it was because he had gotten into a car accident when he was young.

Noticing things, as insignificant as they could be, was a gift. Jonghyun considered himself blessed to be born with a talent for observing his surroundings.

From training at a young age, Jonghyun learned that talent alone wasn’t enough. It was what you did with it that mattered, and in this case, he knew from the start what he wanted to do. He wanted to make people’s life easier by acknowledging their preferences and feelings.

After all, he was a people person, someone who couldn’t help but try to make the people around him happy. Sometimes even at the cost of his own happiness. Mingi once said that it was the thing that he disliked the most about him: how he would never put himself first. He understood where his friend came from but he simply couldn’t help it, especially not around people he hold close to him.

So, it made sense that he’d offer Minhyun to help with his lines and the upcoming scene he was supposed to be filming in two days. Judging by the way Minhyun’s eyes widened at his proposition and the sharp breath he drew, he wasn’t so sure about that anymore. Did he go too far? It made little sense, not with the history they shared. Not with all the signs Jonghyun refused to believe were fragments of his imagination.

Minhyun’s voice interrupted his thoughts. “Come again? I’m not sure I heard right.”

For someone who was acting for a living, that was a pretty sad attempt at playing it cool, and they were both aware of it. Still, Jonghyun decided against calling him out on his bullshit. Maybe, he would later, once the air between them stopped being saturated with such awkwardness it felt stifling.

“I—” Jonghyun started, only to swallow back his next words after taking in Minhyun’s expression. Shock and confusion were still both swimming in Minhyun’s eyes, but what was bothering Jonghyun was the way those two brown orbs he loved couldn’t help but constantly dart towards the door, almost as if he was looking for a way to get away.

He shook his head. “Forget it.”

“What—Wait—” But Jonghyun didn’t listen, nor did he wait for Minhyun to find his words. It was too late to pretend that nothing had happened, that he hadn’t proposed to his bandmate, his best friend of over ten years, to help him with his upcoming kiss scene. Still, he wanted to give it a try.

Minhyun tried to reach out for him, but his fingers only grazed the soft fabric of Jonghyun’s hoodie as Jonghyun paddled away toward his kitchen.

Jonghyun’s shoulders sagged once he couldn’t feel the weight of Minhyun’s gaze on him anymore. A glass of water to swallow the burning humiliation leaving a bitter taste in his mouth sounded like a good idea but it wasn’t as much as a truth as that he wanted to give Minhyun a way out, anticipating the door of his apartment to slam behind Minhyun at any second now.

Except he could only hear the loud beating of his heart in his ears, even after he finished counting to sixty under his breath, and the sigh that escaped him was more relief than anything else.

Relief that Minhyun stayed, that he wasn’t angry or disgusted, but then again, Jonghyun hadn’t expected another outcome. More than ever after what he just did, it was obvious that running away was his thing. Not Minhyun’s.

Minhyun has never been one to be afraid of the unknown and troubled situations. He tackled them as he did everything else, with rationality and an always optimistic vision that Jonghyun envied him.

Jonghyun’s escape was only temporary, though. He knew Minhyun wouldn’t drop it before getting answers, and that they would have to talk about the offer Jonghyun made earlier. The only question left was when it would happen, but even that didn’t even matter since he knew deep down that, after his proposition, things between them were bound to change. That thought alone was terrifying.

Still, he didn’t regret it. He had wanted to help Minhyun with his lines. Had wanted to kiss him, too, and not just because of the script.

Sure, the prospect of things changing between them was crippling, but there was also a tiny flame of excitement burning inside him, because everything could happen. Bad things, or good things, such as Minhyun wanting the same as him.

He opened the cabinet above the kitchen sink, pulling out a glass. Just as he was stretching out to close it, a pale forearm popped in his vision and the cabinet slammed shut with a bang that startled him.

He hadn’t heard Minhyun come in, too distracted by his thoughts. His gaze trailed up, taking in the stretched forearm above his head and Minhyun’s hand that was still pressed against the door, effectively trapping him in. He sucked in his breath and closed his eyes for a second before getting a grip on himself.

A friendship like theirs couldn’t, wouldn’t end so easily. At twenty-eight*, they weren’t the children they were when they met for the first time anymore. Gone were the days when they would fight, sometimes physically, and would refuse to speak to each other for days.

It was different for him now. Minhyun was such an ingrained part of his world that Jonghyun couldn’t even fathom the thought of not talking to Minhyun regularly. Texting each other good morning or good night was a habit they were both trying to stick to, and the days where they would meet and hang out together were rare but cherished, even something as childish as a Pokémon pint glass.

Those days were the best to him, even if they often stayed in and chilled together in front of the TV. Sometimes, they took walks along the Han river whenever the weather permitted it. It was nothing special, but he liked these moments. Jonghyun wouldn’t let today turn into an ugly scar that would disgrace all the pretty memories they had made together over the years. With that thought in mind, he gathered his courage and turned around.

Facing Minhyun wouldn’t be easy, though. Despite being smaller than him, Jonghyun had never felt intimidated by Minhyun before but now—Minhyun’s build was strong and reassuring on a normal day, but today, and combined with the intensity of Minhyun’s stare, Jonghyun felt helpless.

He diverted his gaze, his eyes lingering on the glass in his hand. Minhyun’s gaze followed his, and his lips slowly curled into a smile. “I can’t believe you still have this with how clumsy you can be. Hasn’t it been years since you moved in?”

Of course, Jonghyun thought, out of all the glasses stored in his cupboard, he had to pick the Squirtle pint glass Minhyun gave him for his housewarming party two years ago. It had been a small affair during one day they were all off work. He had gotten jjajangmyeon, galbi jjim and fried chicken delivered for the occasion, and all the members had brought him a gift, despite Jonghyun telling them not to. Mostly tissues, toilet paper and cleaning supplies, as per Korean customs**, and then, that pint glass that had reminded Minhyun of him. (“They didn’t have a Wartortle one, or I’d have gotten it for you, too.”)

He hummed under his breath and shrugged. “Well, I guess I take good care of what’s precious to me.”

The words went out of his mouth before he could think twice about them, but he refused to feel embarrassed or elaborate. They were nothing but the truth, and Minhyun’s gift was one of the many things that meant a lot to him. Anything he got from Minhyun was important and to be cherished.

Minhyun nodded, the smile still on his face. His eyes were now holding a softness that made something inside Jonghyun twitch. “Yeah, you do.”

Silence stretched between the two of them, becoming more uncomfortable with each minute passing, but Jonghyun wouldn’t break. Countless meetings with the company higher-ups, back when he was barely out of his teens and the responsibilities that came with being a leader were sometimes too heavy for him, had taught him how to deal with such moments of awkwardness. Minhyun wasn’t as lucky.

“Jonghyun-ah.”

Jonghyun’s breath hitched in his throat, his eyes looking everywhere but at the man in front of him. It was happening, they were going to talk.

“Look at me, Jju-yah.”

Jonghyun always found it difficult to deny Minhyun. Tonight wasn't any different and he found himself unable to do so. So, he looked up and met Minhyun's eyes, but the unsaid questions he could read in them were overwhelming. He wasn’t ready to answer them just yet.

He dropped his gaze to their feet and couldn't help but smile. “Your socks are dirty.”

He was half-expecting Minhyun to check the state of his socks and nag him about how the floor should be mopped more often than once a week and how unhygienic he was being. It would’ve made sense, and was probably what would have happened on any other day. But not today. Nothing about today was going the way it should.

And indeed, Minhyun didn’t seem to care about his socks right now, and seemed more interested in seeking answers to his questions, tilting Jonghyun’s face up and staring at him. Jonghyun loved Minhyun’s eyes, always had and always will, but right now, he was feeling powerless under them.

“Why did you—” Minhyun started, and Jonghyun’s brain was already filling in the blanks. Why did you make such a proposition, Jonghyun-ah? Why did you run away? Why— There were so many questions that Minhyun could ask, and Jonghyun wasn’t certain he had an answer to them. To any of them.

Still, he felt he needed to say something, that he could try to explain what went through his mind. He had to. “You looked nervous about... that.” He cringed at his inability to mention the thing that got them there in the first place. He wasn’t a twelve year boy anymore and he needed to get a grip if he wanted this to go well. Jonghyun steadied himself and faced Minhyun head on. “About your kiss scene, I mean. I just thought I could help.”

“I just don’t understand—Friends don’t—” Minhyun took a deep breath before trying again. “Is it because you think you have experience? Because you have a kiss scene that went viral on your first acting gig? How could you make that proposition sound so easy?”

Jonghyun couldn’t hide his grimace at the mention of that particular kiss. He didn’t like being reminded of how his kiss scene was trending for days on various online boards, and the embarrassment that had stuck to his skin for days after the episode was aired on national TV. There was nothing to be ashamed of, he knew, but he couldn’t help but feel like he did something he shouldn’t have.

In a way, he did. Jonghyun was keeping a secret. No one knew that when Lee Shin kissed Jiyeon, behind Jonghyun’s closed lids, it was Minhyun’s face that he was seeing. Minhyun’s lips that he was kissing. It had been the only way for him to muster the right emotions and it had worked way too well.

He wasn’t a natural at kissing, as much as fans and drama watchers alike wanted to believe that. He was only a man in love with his best friend of over thirteen years.

“No, of course not. It wasn’t just because I have experience with that kind of scene.” It wasn’t exactly true, though. “Well, maybe,” he confessed, the words slurring together as he rushed through them, embarrassment at his own admission coating his cheeks in pink. “But I just wanted to help you, Minhyun-ah, because we’re friends.”

“And friends rarely kiss each other, Jonghyun-ah.”

He wasn’t wrong, and Jonghyun didn’t go around kissing all of his friends, either. But Minhyun was different, and Jonghyun was tired of ignoring the enormous elephant between them and pretending that the past didn’t exist.

“But we have before,” he drawled, his eyes never leaving Minhyun’s face. It remained stoic, but Jonghyun knew better. “We have kissed multiple times.” Three times, to be exact.

Three wasn't a high number, but still was more than enough. One kiss could pass as a mistake, but not three. Nobody made the same mistake three times.

The first time was when they were both sixteen and experimenting together felt less scary than with girls. Having a girlfriend hadn't been allowed by the company, and no girl was better than Minhyun anyway. The second time didn't happen before years later, when they were twenty-one and being in Minhyun’s arms gave Jonghyun the illusion that everything would be fine even just for a night, and the last time they kissed was when they were twenty-three, on the night that marked a new beginning for Minhyun through Wanna One and changed everything for them.

“I dare you to tell me you have forgotten, that it meant nothing. I dare you, Hwang Minhyun.” The Minhyun he’s in love with won’t do that, because he’s not a liar. The man in front of him, though, Jonghyun isn’t so sure. Never, Minhyun has been that detached in his presence. This Minhyun had his poker face on, and Jonghyun couldn't see through it.

Jonghyun pushed more, his joints turning white around the cup in his hand. “Fucking hell, I’m trying to tell you I have been—” He shook his head, and looked straight into Minhyun’s eyes. “I love you, Minhyun-ah. I have feelings for you, and confessing tonight wasn’t supposed to happen.” Nervous laughter escaped his mouth, and his hands were shaking so much that he put his cup down before it was too late. Only his heart was going to crash tonight. It would be more than enough already. “Just—Just reject me and let’s move on.”

Still not a word came out of Minhyun’s mouth, though, and this time, Jonghyun was certain he wouldn’t be able to stand the silence for much longer. The limbo they were stuck in was killing him. “I can take rejection, Minhyun-ah. I’m a big boy.”

Just as he last expected it, Minhyun found his voice and Jonghyun braced himself. “I don’t want to reject you, Jju-yah.”

“What are you even saying? You obviously don’t have feelings for me or you wouldn't have—We can just forget this and pretend that nothing happened.” Except it wouldn’t be so easy, not when Minhyun didn’t look like he wanted to let it go. That man could be stubborn as hell when he wanted.

Indeed, there was determination in those eyes. That, and something even more intense that Jonghyun couldn’t pinpoint. “Kim Jonghyun, I have feelings for you. I promise you I do.”

Minhyun took a step closer to him, his sock-covered toes bumping against Jonghyun’s bare ones, and before Jonghyun knew it, he was trapped between the counter and the man who was driving him crazy, two forearms caging him in. Minhyun was clearly crazy, too, considering he didn’t know what he was saying anymore. Nothing was making sense.

“Yeah, like friendship feelings, right?” Jonghyun said more than asked, and then continued, “because we’re friends, best friends, and you don’t have to worry about making me sad. I know how you feel and it’s alright, I’m not upset, I’m—”

He was shushed by Minhyun's finger on his lips, but what had truly rendered him speechless was the intensity in Minhyun’s eyes. “Let me talk for a minute, Jonghyun-ah.”

He nodded and waited for whatever Minhyun was going to drop on him, anticipation making his stomach hurt. He could take rejection, but it didn't mean it wouldn't be easy. “I have feelings for you, Jju. Feelings that imply wanting to kiss you again and thinking of you as more than a friend.”

It made little sense. “Then why did you flip when I proposed we should kiss for practice? And how—when—”

Minhyun’s voice rose just a little, startling Jonghyun. It was rare for Minhyun to be like this, to be overwhelmed with emotions, but then again, no one got confessions from their best friend every day. “I panicked. I thought you were pulling on my pants or something—It has been different since—” He didn’t elaborate so Jonghyun filled the blanks on his own in his mind. Since he came back.

It was the truth. Spending a year and a half apart had changed things between us, put a distance that wasn’t there before and opened their eyes to a world broader than the two of them. It wasn’t just the two or the five of them against the world now. But even with a broadened horizon, Jonghyun had never stopped wanting Minhyun. He wanted all of Hwang Minhyun, the one from his memories and the one in front of him right now. The one who was looking at him with love in his eyes. Oh.

And just like that, Jonghyun was hit with a realization: things might have changed between them, but Minhyun didn't change. He simply grew up. They both did.

Minhyun continued. “It doesn't feel right to want what we had before. Sometimes, I want to go back to those times, and it feels wrong because—well—Things are better now, aren’t they?” Better, yes, but not simpler. Jonghyun missed the simplicity from back then.

“So, you like me and you want to kiss me?” He needed confirmation. Confirmation that he wasn’t dreaming, that his feelings were reciprocated, that perhaps tonight marked the start of something. He still couldn’t wrap his head around what was happening, but was ready to roll with the flow. That, he could do.

Minhyun chuckled low in his throat and nodded. “So, I like you and I want to kiss you, yeah.”

Jonghyun tiptoed, wrapping both of his arms around Minhyun’s neck, and smiled. What was happening was unreal, but he wouldn’t overthink it. He knew better to anyone than to enjoy the present moment. “What do you think about starting now, Hwang Minhyun-ssi?”

Minhyun put his hands on Jonghyun’s hips. “I think it’s an excellent idea, Kim Jonghyun-ssi.” And just like that, their mouths met for the first time in years, and everything was right for the first time in forever. That kiss felt like coming home. Minhyun was his home, and more than ever, Kim Jonghyun thought of himself as a homebody.

“How was it?” Minhyun asked against Jonghyun’s lips, and Jonghyun could feel him smiling without looking.

His own smile probably mirrored Minhyun’s and his last thought before bringing their mouths together once more was that he could really get used to this. Happiness was bound to be a good look on him. “I think you might need quite a lot more of practice, but it’s okay, your practice buddy has time for you.”

Minhyun broke into laughter. “Oh yeah? Well, I’m going to make you eat your words. Better get ready.”

Jonghyun laughed along. “Come on, Hwang. Show me what you got.”

Chapter Text

Hello,

This is obviously not a new chapter as anyone who knows me is aware I can't write that fast (that would be a miracle haha) :')

When I posted this fic on Sunday evening, I was full of hope for the future and what it would bring to us. Now, well, everything is different. It all went to dust in the span of ten seconds and an announcement... 

I respect, support and stand by the boys' decision as it was theirs to make and theirs alone. It's their career, their job, their life. The uncertain future must be scary for them, and such a decision must have required so much strength... Knowing how heartbroken we would be... I'm proud of them. Now and forever. Personally, I want to be as strong as them, so I can continue to walk along their side on this new road. It's definitely not the end, but the end of a 10 years chapter.

Regarding writing, as this is the reason of why I'm posting this note, well, right now I'm not sure of where I stand. Writing is part of my DNA and has been my hobby for the past twenty years, and NU'EST have been my muse for the past five years. Giving up on that, I'm not sure I can do it and probably won't because it's part of who I am. Looking at my WIP also hurts, though... So, will I write? Definitely yes. For NU'EST? Only time will tell. (Hopefully, yes, because well, there are still tropes and plots I haven't explored.)

I'll take some time to think about it, and whether I should post a last work for closure or if I'm going to continue writing for them at some point in the future, with the thought in mind that it might give confort to someone somewhere. After all, I'm writing for myself first but also for all of you :)

At least, one thing is clear and is the main reason of this note: I won't delete this account nor will I delete my NU'EST works. Everything is going to stay up for you to come back to if you want to.

Thank you to everyone who read my work and have found/finds/will find comfort in my words,

- Céline (inpiniteu)