Prologue

Pretending and ignoring. If Jensen had perfected any qualities in the past sixteen years of his life, it were these two. Of course his job had helped him a great deal with it. Being an actor meant lying professionally and pretending to be someone else felt natural to a talent like Jensen. Yet, at first, it had been quite hard to leave a part of the real Jensen Ackles behind in his condo when he went outside into the real world, simply because Jensen had always believed himself to be a very genuine person. But how could he be one hundred percent Jensen, if he didn't want to scare Jared away? It had been damn hard until eventually, bit by bit, pretending, lying and ignoring had gotten easier. Besides, it had helped Jensen a great deal to repeat the reasons why he was doing it in his head. Family. Friends. Job. Jared. Himself. Fans. Jared. Family. Friends. Jared. Job. Jared.

Jared fucking Padalecki, with miles of long limbs and a lean yet muscled torso, shiny bangs, sparking hazel eyes and the most beautiful smile, fringed by the most gorgeous dimples Jensen had ever seen. Huge hands that couldn't stay away from Jensen, freakishly long arms that loved to sneak around Jensen's body and hug the life out of him, hazel puppy eyes that said so much, without velvety lips uttering a single word. Yet, Jared talked a lot, a mile a minute actually, about everything and anything. More or less from day one, Jared had known no boundaries, and more or less from day one, Jensen had been lost. How could he have not fallen for Jared, for his cute dimpled smile, those wavy bangs and his warm hazel eyes and most of all, for the heart that was at least as big as Jared himself? After the first initial shock and freak out, which had found Jensen hiding in his trailer, banging his head against the thin walls and feeling very nauseous, Jensen had started to protect himself, for all of their sake. For his and Jared's friendship, for all their jobs, for himself, but most of all, for Jared. How could he ever burden Jared with the knowledge that he was not only gay, but crushing on him heavily? The thought alone was ridiculous because despite all the hugging and touching, if anyone was straight, that person was Jared. No, just no. So, Jensen had locked this part of himself away, had buried it deeply inside himself, ignoring his feelings and pretending that they were nothing else but buddies, no matter how epic their friendship was. Only on rare occasions did Jensen let it out; when he was lying alone in his bed, jerking off, Jared's hazel eyes burned into his retina, when he was composing songs, thinking about Jared yet writing about girls, or in the very rare moments when Jared was asleep on the couch after a long day on set, sometimes curled into a surprisingly small ball, sometimes with his head cushioned by Jensen's shoulder. Then, Jensen looked at him, sometimes even allowed himself to touch, to trail a gentle finger over Jared's side or through his hair. During those moments Jensen could be himself, one hundred percent Jensen Ackles, gay and very much in love with his best friend and co-star.

Months stretched into years, years into a decade and they both grew up. Jared fell in love with the wrong co-star, married her and had kids, and Jensen married Danneel, one of only a handful of people in the universe who knew that he was gay. Thanks to modern medicine they had kids, and everyone, including their parents, most friends and of course the fans, believed them to be the real deal, some incarnation of a Disney princess and Prince Charming, just like they believed the same of Jared and Genevieve. Of course, they didn't see behind the perfect facade Jared and Jensen had built for their fans. They knew nothing about the fights in the Padalecki household, the glass breaking and the plates flying through the air, and nothing about Danneel and Jensen living as nothing more than friends side by side, their acting worthy of an Oscar whenever the cameras caught them. They knew nothing about Jensen's hopes, dreams and worries, because how could they? They were Jensen's own, and no one knew about them. They knew nothing about their struggles, though Jared had shared quite a bit with the public; but the real pain, angst and trouble stayed as hidden in the dark as the countless precious moments between the two actors. Purely platonic, sure, but filled with so much love that Jensen could live off it for a while. And they had no clue about that apartment they shared in Vancouver. Barely no one knew, because how could you explain to people that two married actors worth millions were sharing one apartment? To summarize it, the fans and the media knew only what Jared and Jensen wanted to show them, less than one percent of their lives.

Then, on one not so special day, Jared and Jensen made a decision that would change their lives, in all meaning of the saying. They decided to put Sam and Dean to their well deserved rest. There were hugs and tears, conferences with agents and producers and in the end it was official; the end was nigh. Fifteen seasons were enough and deep down, both knew that it had been enough years ago but in a way, despite crappy plots and even worse writing, they had clung to the Winchesters and most of all, to each other. It had just been too unique to give it up.

The last season came and slowly passed by. Every episode was a farewell, and they were going through the motions. The short nights in Vancouver were spent like Jared and Jensen had spent them in the past six years, after they had moved together again, yet, there was a strange, melancholic vibe in the air; the knowledge that their days were numbered. Jared, who was still carrying his heart on his sleeve, talked about it far more often than Jensen, wondering where they would be in one or even five years, if they would still be friends. Sometimes, Jensen found him staring out of the window, at the countless lights of the city, and whenever Jensen joined him in his silent pondering, Jared sneaked his arm around Jensen and pulled him against his side, placing his hand above Jensen's heart. Quiet moments of togetherness that caused happiness and sadness at the same time deep within Jensen, that brought him on the verge of tears, that made his heart tumble and fall for a man he had been devoted to for fifteen years.

***

Then, the pandemic hit. Suddenly things that had always seemed certain weren't anymore, and Jared and Jensen were forced to go their separate ways. It was hard to distance themselves from each other, for both of them, though particularly for Jared. They called, and sometimes, they met outside in their respective backyards, a five feet distance between them, because they cared so much about the other's health, with only their fingers brushing, fingertips pressed against fingertips. Everyone was hoping that things might get better, but they didn't really get better, though after a while, the new, insecure situation turned kind of normal, and life went on, though with restrictions.

Their reprieve was over and Jared and Jensen went back to Vancouver, one last time. They quarantined in their apartment, catching up the many lost weeks during lockdown, talking, laughing and reminiscing. Jared was back in his favorite spot, looking out of the window and being melancholic, torn between happiness and sadness. Just like in the last six years, Jensen was with him. This time, it was Jensen who curled his arm around Jared, who pulled him against his side, who held him up and promised him that, no matter what, they'd be good.

Halfway through the quarantine, they packed the first boxes, Jensen writing their contents onto the thick brown cardboard. Clothes, worn and washed out, neither of them knowing who had bought them in the first place, because Jared's had been Jensen's and the other way round. Utensils, accessories and entertainment, like Blu Rays and CDs. Memorabilia - photos, presents, notes and postcards, and both of them were too sentimental to throw the things away. “It's our story, Jen,” Jared said gently, when he found some Polaroids in a drawer, putting them into the big box with their brothers and sisters, smiling a slight sentimental smile as he was looking at a photo of him and Jensen in Season Two. “Just look at us, man. We were babies.”

Jensen took the photo back from where Jared had put it, looking at it closely. Arms wrapped around each other, smiling, their bodies melting into each other, their heads touching. A crew guy must have taken it during a break, because they were wearing Sam and Dean's clothes, their faces covered with makeup and fake grime. They were glowing, and Jensen's eyes were shining with love for the tall man he was pressing against his side. They had looked young, happy and carefree, and a big part of Jensen had really been that, despite hiding that part of himself from his best friend. Caging his lip between his teeth Jensen swallowed hard, his free hand clawing into his thigh. How come no one had noticed how Jensen was feeling for Jared? How come Jared hadn't noticed himself? It was so obvious.

“Jen? You good? You look spooked.” Jared's warm hand covered his upper arm instantly, squeezing once, in a comforting or reassuring gesture.

“Yeah, just -.” Jensen shrugged, plastering on a smile he hoped Jared would buy, avoiding his eyes and looking at the boxes that were scattered over the hardwood floor instead, at the rug covering the floor, suddenly seeing the breadcrumbs from where they had some baguette with Spanish ham and olives last night. “I can't believe how much time passed. I mean, a dozen years dude, that's -”

“Amazing. Yeah, I know. It happened because of us, Jensen. Because of you and me and our chemistry. We made it possible. Us and our fans.” Pride and fondness oozed from Jared's voice as he said those words and when Jensen dared to take his eyes away from the dirty rug, looking at his best friend instead, Jared looked very content.

Nodding, Jensen placed the photo back into the box, wondering what else he would find there if he looked, yet repressing the urge to pull out some more photos. It was dangerous ground. For all those years, Jensen had managed to hide his true feelings. It would be dramatic if Jared found out now, so close to the end. Not that it was their end. Just Sam and Dean's.

***

Three weeks later, they wrapped the show. A whirlwind of emotions, of tears, laughter and hugs on a bridge and a few moments of solitude, just himself and Jared. When the cameras were gone, they hugged, holding onto each other, crying and brushing each other's tears away. No words were needed. What could you possibly say after fifteen years?

They went back to their apartment, one last time, had dinner together on the way and once they were back they met in front of the window one last time, Jared's hand warm on his waist, his hand sneaking beneath his tee, his thumb brushing over Jensen's skin. It was very intimate. The simple touch caused the butterflies in Jensen's belly to flutter and made him all warm and tingly. It was one of those rare moments when the idea that Jared felt something more than friendship for him too didn't feel that alien, but like all the other times in the past sixteen years, Jensen brushed it away.

“Let's go to bed, Jen,” Jared suggested carefully, wrapping his hand around Jensen's wrist and tugging him into his bedroom. They hadn't talked about it. They never did, but sometimes, they shared a bed. In times of need, sadness or desperation, when one of them needed the other more than normal, a shoulder to lean on and a haven to anchor in. Tonight was one of those nights. They didn't snuggle, gosh no, but after they had made themselves comfortable and switched off the light, Jared laced their fingers together. “Sleep tight, Jen.”

For a long time, Jensen didn't sleep. He just relished the fact that Jared and he were holding hands, brushing his thumb over the back of Jared's hand from time to time and listening to Jared's soft breathing or his occasional snores, his heart tightening so much that Jensen thought he might suffocate. Carefully and clandestinely, he looped his arm around Jared's waist, happy when a sweet sigh escaped his friend's lips. Smiling, Jensen finally fell asleep.

When Jensen woke up the next morning, the spot where Jared slept was empty, the noise of water thundering down the shower sounding through the closed en-suite bathroom door. Stretching himself, Jensen got up too, heading to his own empty bedroom. It looked as anonymous as a hotel room, with even the photo of the kids already packed away, only the bedding still covering the mattress Jensen had been sleeping on for the past six years. Scratching his neck thoughtfully, Jensen headed into the bathroom. He had already put out the clothes he would be wearing today last night, and apart from his toiletry bag, nothing else was lying on the wooden shelf. It was weird how a place that had been home for six years, probably far more than his house in Austin ever did, suddenly didn't feel like home at all anymore. Jensen pinched himself, shaking out of his rigor and chasing away the thoughts that were starting to overwhelm him, about Jared and himself, their future and their friendship and how things would be from now on.

After a long shower, Jensen dressed in comfortable clothes for the long journey home, brushed his teeth and collected his belongings from the bathroom, throwing them in the almost empty box that was standing in his bedroom. He met Jared for a last, quick breakfast in the living-room. Steaming mugs of coffee, fresh croissants and bagels with cream cheese. They were sitting even closer to each other than normal, their arms brushing constantly and their legs pressed together, a weird, melancholic vibe between them that tightened Jensen's chest. Maybe that's how people who were sentenced to death felt – as if their time was running out, and one of the best times of their lives was coming to an end.

They packed the last few boxes, filled their suitcases, cleared the fridge and carried everything downstairs to the van they had hired a few days ago. Clear of all their personal belongings, the whole apartment now looked sterile, like a hotel suite. Rooms that had seen a lot, joy and sorrow, had heard laughter and tears and bore witness to an unusually tight bond between two male actors who were brought together by chance and became so much more than just co-stars. Just like the memorabilia, these four walls were part of their story.

“Jen? Are you ready to go?” Jared's hand was a warm weight on his shoulder, his thumb caressing Jensen's neck absentmindedly, causing his heart to tumble. It was weird, Jensen thought, that Jared would never know what he did to him with these innocent, sweet little gestures.

“Yeah,” Jensen said, though a part of him wasn't ready. The part that was Jared shaped didn't want to go, knowing very well that never again would they be that close as they had been in the past fifteen years. “It'll never be the same again,” he pressed out, knowing that he was dramatizing a little.

“No, it won't,” Jared agreed after a few moments. “How can it? But we'll still be good, Jen,” Jared promised, curling his arm around Jensen and tugging him against his chest. Wrapping his own arms around Jared, Jensen returned the hug. For a few heartbeats, he allowed himself to melt into his best friend, take in his scent, his strength, simply everything that made Jared his Jared. Only when Jared prompted him to go once more did Jensen let go, throwing one last, sentimental look through the living-room and leading the way out of their apartment and into their new life.

***

The road trip to Austin took them six days. They probably could have made it in five, but they were in no rush, knowing that, once they had stored their belongings and had returned home, a very important stage of their life would really be over. They took turns driving, stopped at viewpoints, to stretch their legs and grab a bite. Sometimes, they talked about everything and anything, but often, comfortable silence settled between them, and they were lost in thoughts. Jensen would have paid all his money for the ability to read Jared's mind, knowing very well that he was equally quiet. “What's on your mind, Jare?” he asked, while he was driving down I84. The road was empty, because traffic wasn't too busy thanks to the pandemic and most people stayed at home.

“Everything. Anything. Random stuff. Memories,” Jared admitted. “'m thinking about Sam and Walker, Jen. My kids, Gen. My folks. You. Co-stars. Friends.”

A hint of a smile ghosted over Jensen's face. It was a sweet knowledge that Jared was thinking of him, just like he was thinking of Jared very often. “That's a lot of thoughts, man. You know you can share them with me.”

“Yeah, I know. It's just, it's confusing. We had so much time to prepare for the end, but when it happened, it, well, it just did, you know? And now, it's over and I'm sad and anxious, but also excited.” Suddenly, Jared's thoughts sputtered out and Jensen let his best friend's voice wash over him while he rushed along the road, the scenery passing by in a blur. From the corner of his eyes, Jensen watched Jared's gestures, the happy or sad vibrancy in his voice increasing his own emotions. Jared only fell silent to catch his breath or take a sip of water.

It amazed Jensen, all those thoughts, far too many, far too confusing but also weirdly clear. He really was an extraordinary person, his best friend. It was one of the many reasons Jensen loved Jared so much and while he couldn't tell him he showed him, steering the van onto a parking area and pulling Jared into an impossibly tight and long hug. They clinged onto each other, aware of the immensity of the changes in their lives and the different roads their lives would take from now on.

Every night, they shared a room and a bed. They never fell asleep snuggling, but when they woke up in the morning they actually were, with either an arm wrapped around each other's waist or a hand widely spread against a warm chest or back. Jensen couldn't even describe how it made him feel; there were no words for it and he swallowed down the panic, telling himself it was purely platonic, only natural, an instinct from back in the stone age, when people cuddled together for warmth. “Is this weird for you, Jare?” Jensen asked, absently brushing his hand over Jared's strong shoulder.

Brown, tired eyes on half-mast looked at Jensen, fluttering a few times and a happy sigh escaped Jared's lips. “Nah, it's us, Jen. It's perfect.”

Perfect nights and awakenings followed, five in number. They didn't mention it again, and Jensen just took it as what it was, a wonderful gift, enjoying every single moment while waking up with Jared so close by his side. Then though, reality hit again and they steered the van to the storage they had rented, carrying one box after the other into the compartment that looked like a garage. Aware of the fact that was happening, they barely spoke, just finished their job, getting back into the van and returning it to the car rental where Danneel and Genevieve were waiting for them. Jensen's heart felt heavier than ever before and there was a weird feeling in his gut. Foreboding? Fear? He couldn't tell it, but it felt wrong.

“Don't be a stranger, dude,” Jared whispered as they hugged goodbye.

There was nothing Jensen could answer. He knew they would see each other again, probably even sooner than later, but it felt strangely final. “Never, Jare,” he promised. “Good luck with Walker. Don't forget me.”

Part I

2021

1

The first nail in their coffin, as Jensen realized only months later, was Danneel's stupid idea to buy real estate in Colorado and her even more stupid idea to move there for an indefinite time. Jensen didn't want to, God knows he didn't. He liked their house in Austin. It was close enough to the brewery he loved to go to once in a while and most of all, close to his best friend. Colorado wasn't any of that. And while Jared was very busy and important, shooting Walker, they still managed to see each other at least once every two weeks. With moving to the middle of nowhere in Colorado, Jensen wouldn't have any of that and that caused a very bad feeling inside him. Yet, Danneel was deaf regarding her husband's objections. No matter what Jensen said, she brushed his reasons away with either a snarky comment, a dismissive wave of her hand or a roll of her eyes, until eventually, she told Jensen to man up and finally do something for his family.

The second nail in their coffin was the really stupid idea of setting up Chaos Machine. Being married and working together was rarely a good idea, Jensen should have kept this in mind. Work mixed with real life and boundaries were crossed so much quicker than normal, with conflicts getting personal while they should have stayed strictly factual. Yet, while Jensen only loved Danneel on a pure platonic basis, he loved her and most of all, he trusted her. Stupid, stupid Jensen. But how could he have known that she had been biding her time for years, to push a stake between Jensen and the man he loved? Even more than stupid, but careless, had been the decision to give Danneel free hands when it came to decisions. Chaos Machine was practically her thing, with Jensen only lending his name and reputation. But how could he have guessed that she would use it against him and not involve him in most of the brainstorming, hide information from him and do as she pleased?

The stupid pandemic was the third nail in their coffin. Of course, it was easy to blame Covid, but fact was, without the pandemic, probably none of it would have happened. Had it not been for Covid and lockdowns, Jensen would have been able to fly home – no matter if home was Texas or Colorado – at least twice a month. He would have been able to talk to people face to face. To Danneel. And to Jared. But no, thanks to the stupid pandemic, he was locked up in Toronto while filming season three of The Boys. First another two weeks of quarantine, followed by lonely days and weekends in his sterile apartment being bored enough to actually post a picture of his food on Instagram. It didn't help that he struggled to bond with his new co-stars. Karl was cool, someone to hang out with on the golf course, and they were all nice enough, friendly, courteous even, but Jensen felt like the odd man out. For the first time, he finally understood how Misha must have been feeling when he had joined the cast, and finally he understood why Misha had behaved as obnoxiously as he had and why he had been so disgustingly clingy.

Nail four and five were Jared and himself. Jensen who loved Jared with every fibre of his body. Jared who loved Jensen with all his heart. Yet, that heart was big, as huge as Jared was, and it had room for a lot of people and a lot of things. So there was Jensen, being lonely in Toronto, on the verge of a depression, missing his kids and Jared like crazy, and there was Jared, glowing and shining, successful and so over the heels in love with his new show. Jensen was damn happy for him, he really was. If someone deserved success and good ratings and acknowledgment for his work, it was his best friend. Yet, there was a tiny thorn in Jensen's heart, stabbing him whenever Jared was gushing over his new co-stars, over how great it was to work with Genevieve again, over this and over that. Jealousy. One of the oldest, most human characteristics of all. He wasn't jealous of Jared's success, gosh no, but of the people who had Jared, who could see him smile and laugh and touch him, day in and day out, while Jensen was sitting locked up in fucking Toronto. Maybe, if Jensen just had talked to Jared about his feelings, it wouldn't have happened. But well, one problem was, Jared was busy. He didn't have much time to talk at all and whenever he did, it was Walker here and there, this and that, the kids, his family, his perfect wife. While Jensen was happy that Jared was happy he just wished that he would have been a little less zealous once in a while and had asked how Jensen was feeling, just once. Not that Jensen really blamed Jared. It had all happened with the changed situation. For years, they had been joined at the hip. Jared knew Jensen – well, apart from the tiny being-in-love-with-him fact. He knew how he ticked, how he felt, and he should have guessed that the changed situation made Jensen a little uneasy, but somehow, Jared didn't. He was careless, because he thought that they were close enough that Jensen would just tell him what was bugging him. Yet, Jensen didn't, insecurity confusing him. He found himself wondering if Jared still cared enough to listen and was scared that he would lose Jared for good if Jensen told him that he was feeling neglected. To summarize it, they loved each other far too much, were far too scared of losing each other and simply forgot to talk.

The sixth nail was the stupid social media – in all its facets. Jensen had never been too fond of it. It was a weird place, full of hate and misunderstanding. He had been stupid enough to write his passwords down in a small notepad and had even been grateful when Danneel posted things for him once in a while, a pic of him with the kids or a video of him shoveling snow, silly stuff like that. So far, Jensen hadn't minded, and he never would have thought that Danneel used his own social media accounts against him. How could he have guessed? Jensen trusted the woman, the mother of his kids, who was one of his oldest and dearest friends.

The final nail was just himself. Jensen super stupid, Ross far too trustworthy and careless Ackles. Even years later, when the storm had long passed, Jensen blamed mostly himself. If he had just listened properly, if he had been a little more adamant, he perhaps could have prevented all that from happening. But later, people are always wiser, ain't they?

***

Back when it happened, it was like a small snowball that got bigger and bigger before it caused an avalanche. It started sometime after New Year. It was snowing outside, the kids were building a snowman, Jensen and Danneel watching them from the living-room in their Colorado mansion, the heat of the open fire grazing his back, a steaming mug of coffee in his hand. On days like these, Jensen felt almost content. Domesticated. Respectable. A man in his early forties with three beautiful kids and a stunning wife. It was Danneel who brought up that they should brainstorm about ideas for TV shows their company could produce, and they were spinning ideas, one crazier than the next, when Jensen himself was hit with the thought. “We could do a show about John and Mary.”

Danneel loved the idea at once, her eyes sparkling with excitement, talking a mile a minute about the possibilities of such a show. “Stop it, Dee.” Jensen laughed, placing his hand against her lips. “We have to talk to Eric first. And I should tell Jared. He'd want to be involved.”

Danneel's look changed, from exhilarated to upset. “There's no need to involve him at all,” Danneel spat out. “You can do things without him, Jensen.” It was obvious that she didn't want Jared to sit in the boat. “It's your thing, not his.”

Surprised by the vehemence in her voice, Jensen lifted his hands in a peaceful gesture. “It's part of Sam Winchester's story, Dee. Just like it's part of Dean's story. Of course I need to involve him.” Not having Jared in the boat when Jensen was doing a Supernatural prequel was unthinkable.

She pouted, throwing looks like daggers at Jensen. “He's busy with Walker. Doesn't even have time for you.” The comment stung like a knife. Jensen hadn't thought that he was so obviously hurting, hadn't mentioned how often Jared forgot to call back, scared that Danneel smelled the rat and found out about Jensen's real feelings for his best friend. “Do you expect him to have time for some show about Mary and John? He probably won't even care.”

Jensen wasn't sure of it, far from it, but before he could answer, Arrow started a tantrum, pulling JJ on her hair and suddenly, the happy togetherness of the kids was destroyed and both of them ran outside to help their nanny who had been watching over the kids. It came a time for hugs and kisses, for wiping their kid's tears away and to put them into the tub, one after the other before it was time for family dinner, tucking the kids in and good night stories. Jensen wanted to talk to Danneel about a possible prequel again, but she went to bed, and because they didn't share their bedroom – for obvious reasons, though they both told everyone who wanted to hear it that they both had a restless sleep – there was no time to talk.

When Jensen woke up the next morning, he had already forgotten about it.

***

The story of doom, like Jared would call it years later, continued in April, a few days after Easter, while Jensen was quarantined for the second week. Other than being quarantined last time, when he had Jared by his side, this time it was hell. He was lonely and grumpy, pacing the apartment that was far too small for his liking back and forth like a caged tiger. Cabin fever was bugging him. Nothing helped. Taking his guitar, Jensen played a few chords, only to put it away after ten minutes. Cleaning. Cooking. Rearranging his clothes in the closet. Calling every friend he had ever had, every family member that was still alive. Reading novels. Surfing the web. In the night, Jensen longed for sleep that didn't come, because he just didn't do anything to make him tired. Never before had Jensen felt lonelier, never before had he felt more caged. Feeling more and more miserable, Jensen lived for the daily video calls with his kids, listening to their babbles, smiling, yet feeling as if he was on the verge of tears. During one of those video calls, Danneel entered the scene, shooing the twins away. “I talked to Robbie. He loves the idea, just like I do,” she started without any preamble. “I think we should do something for the young audience, you know, a bit á la Riverdale maybe.” At first, Jensen didn't even know what his wife was talking about, but it fell from his eyes quite soon. “You did what? Dee, we agreed that I first need to talk to Jared. Besides -”

“We didn't agree on anything like that, Jensen,” Danneel stated matter-of-factly, her brow furrowed, her lips forming into a perfect pout. “We agreed that you need to talk to Eric about it, of course you do, but honestly, Jensen, I don't give a damn about Jared. This is not his project, it's ours, and I don't want him to be involved.” She sounded weirdly final, as if this certain aspect of the project was not even up for discussion and it caused a very uneasy feeling inside Jensen. Mouth dry, he took a sip of the meanwhile lukewarm coke he had gotten himself earlier, arranging his arguments.

“Dee, he's-”

“Do you understand me, Jensen?” Danneel's voice shifted into a so far unknown threatening tone that made Jensen very uncomfortable. “Or do you want me to spill your little secret?”

Jensen couldn't believe his ears. Not once, in all those years, had Danneel threatened to spill his secret. Even when she had wanted to get more money on her private account for the time after their divorce, not when she had wanted more kids, simply never had Danneel tried to blackmail Jensen. An ice-cold hand was ghosting over Jensen's skin, causing goosebumps and nausea and his heart felt as if it was shrinking. “You wouldn't-”

“Oh, of course I would, honey,” she twittered back, her voice now sweet yet full of venom. “I think it's time to decide where your loyalties lie, Jensen. I said it when we moved to Colorado, I'll say it again. You had fifteen years with your bff, now it's time to think about yourself. Myself. And our sweet little family. You know, you wouldn't want me to leave a few years ahead before our contract expires and take the kids with me, let's say to um, Scotland or Australia.”

Jensen felt even sicker. Did Danneel actually threaten to take his own kids away from him? The thought alone of losing his kids was unbearable. “No, I wouldn't,” Jensen agreed, his voice trembling, just like his hands. Getting up, he took the bottle of Jack he had opened yesterday, the third in almost as many days, taking a very generous gulp.

“Okay, then we're on the same side here, honey. Jared won't play any part in this little prequel of ours. Why should he? He's just an annoying, goofy loud kid, mentally challenged and very unreliable. Agreed?”

If possible, Jensen got even sicker, listening to his fake wife badmouthing the best friend he had ever had. Never would Jensen agree with such insults. “Jared is my best friend, Danneel,” Jensen replied, his voice steady and passionate, despite the raging feelings inside, full of the love that bound him to Jared. “He's a good guy, far better than I am. Worth a million. Strong and fighting. Winning. I'd always want to work with him. But for the sake of our family and the love for my kids, Jared won't play any part in it, if that's so important to you.”

“Good, honey.” She smiled broadly and Jensen had the sudden urge to throttle her. “So, you tell Eric once you see him on set, will you? And I'll send you an appointment for a chat with Robbie, it's time to get the basic facts for the storyline.” She now talked as if nothing had happened, as if she neither had tried to blackmail Jensen nor had insulted his best friend. Smiling sweetly, she changed the subject, but Jensen only followed it with one ear, too busy to keep his breathing calm, his limbs steady and his breakfast down.

When they disconnected the call, Jensen felt bile rising in his throat and there was no way he could force it down any longer. He barely made it to the bathroom, where he threw up his little stomach contents, the toast he had had for breakfast, an apple and the whiskey. Breathing hard and shaking like a leaf, Jensen wondered what the fuck had just happened, pinching himself a few times and splashing ice-cold water into his face once he felt fit enough to get up from the cool and uncomfortable tiles in his bathroom. A face white as a sheet was looking back at him; the freckles more prominent than usual, the wrinkles around his eyes deep as the Grand Canyon and the horrible beard he needed for Soldier Boy more alien than ever before.

He needed fresh air, yet he couldn't go outside, so he did the only thing he could, ripping the window open and taking deep breaths, trying to calm down.

***

Half an hour and another shot of whiskey later Jensen was feeling a little better. Good enough to call Jared but like so often, he only got his mailbox. Suddenly, Jensen felt like crying but instead of leaving Jared a message, Jensen disconnected the call, throwing his cell onto the couch and burying his face into one of the raw cushions, feeling even more miserable than before. Ten minutes later, Jensen re-dialed Jared's number, without success. “Jare, it's me. Would you please call me back?”

Thanks to a technical failure, the message wasn't shown on Jared's mailbox and he only called a couple of days later. When Jared once more was gushing about how great everything was on the Walker set, how well he got on with Keegan, Alex and Lindsey and how awesome Genevieve was, not even once asking why Jensen had tried to call him the other day, not even saying sorry for not calling back sooner, Jensen decided that Jared had probably stopped caring. If he cared, he wouldn't ignore him like that, would he?

2

In June, Jensen was close to desperate, feeling worse than ever before in his life, the fact of being locked in Canada weighing heavily on his mind. While his shooting schedule was not as tight as back in his Supernatural days, being disgusting Soldier Boy was demanding, and it didn't help that Jensen still hadn't managed to connect with the cast. It made him doubt himself, worse than in the past few years, and his mental health was in a very troubled state. It also didn't help that he couldn't see his kids, that the threat Danneel had uttered was hanging like a storm cloud above his head and that things between Jared and him were rough. He hated to feel that way, because he loved Jared, always would, but ever since that call in April, things had been going downhill. Awkward silences while talking, days without a sign of life, and long radio silences when it came to simple text messages. Jensen held things back, not only about the stupid prequel project, but also about how much he struggled on set. Not because he wanted to keep secrets, but simply because Jared had given him the feeling that he didn't care any longer. Numbing his pain with alcohol and pills, Jensen knew that he was on the verge of getting addicted to the drugs, but he didn't care. He also didn't care that he was whining, that he was miserable and grumpy, only holding it together while he was on set, breaking down once he returned to his lonely and empty apartment.

Then, the day of doom came. Bright, clear and warm. It started with a missed call from his wife. Things with Danneel of course had been rough too, ever since April. Never again would Jensen trust her, never could he forget her threats. Jensen had tried to avoid her, but that was damn impossible, with their three kids in her care, with the company Jensen had given his name for and most of all, with that stupid prequel project. Daily, Danneel had bugged Jensen to talk to Kripke until finally, he had done it. Eric had given them his blessings, offering him to help as a consultant and Jensen had passed this information on to Danneel, sick of her being a pain in the ass. For a while, Jensen had actually been stupid enough to believe that she and Robbie had jettisoned their plan, but then, he missed that call, only listening to her message hours later, staring in disbelief at his cell. For a few minutes, Jensen actually contemplated whether to call Jared now and finally tell him, but then he remembered the last couple of calls and the awkwardness, the feeling that Jared's “Love you, man” sounded less genuine than usual, like a platitude. Besides, if Danneel was right with one thing it was that Jared was busy. Walker was doing tremendously well, would get a second season and Jared was tumbling with joy. He wouldn't be interested in that show, would he?

The director of the episode called him back on set. Sighing, Jensen turned his cell off, becoming Soldier Boy, simply ignoring the weird feeling in his gut, of being wrong and of foreboding. He was good at ignoring after all.

***

When they finally wrapped, Jensen was beaten, but his exhaustion was nothing compared to how he would be feeling an hour later. Unsuspecting, Jensen looked at his cell. Several missed calls, from friends and family, countless messages on his full mailbox and almost as many text messages. Some were nice enough, just asking what the fuck had happened between him and Jared, others were less friendly. Even Chad had sent something; I told you I'd kill you if you ever hurt him. Now you're due.

A lump formed in Jensen's throat, and he had to sit down in his trailer because his legs were shaking badly. Nausea washed over him in strong waves, and Jensen took deep breaths to collect himself, not really sure what had happened. Some of the messages referred to a tweet. A tweet Jensen had never written, and, with shaking hands and heart in his mouth, he opened Twitter. In disbelief he stared at the tweet he supposedly sent, at the thousands of replies, some encouraging but most hateful, calling him names and wishing him the plague. Finally, he also stared at Jared's reply, the hurt palpable in his wording. 

Time stood still and all he could hear was a weird buzz in his head. Heart racing heavily and bile tickling his throat once more, Jensen didn't even make it to the bathroom in time, throwing up into his hands, tumbling the few steps to the small kitchen, where he vomited his stomach contents into the sink. Sour bile was burning his throat and tears were running down Jensen's face, the stench of his vomit making him feel even sicker. Guilt, so much guilt was washing over him. He had promised Jared to always have his back, to never disappoint him and to always talk to him. Yet, he had broken this promise since the show had ended, the latter again and again, and the first now, simply because he had been too careless. Legs weak and wobbly, Jensen glided down onto the raw carpet, not even feeling the cold from the floor seeping through, hugging himself, crying, gasping for air, close to a panic attack. Scared of losing Jared as a friend. Even more scared of Jared himself. What it – No, Jensen shook his head. Jared was strong, he was stable, he wouldn't do anything stupid. Not because of him. Jensen wasn't worth it. He was a worthless scum. Jared would see it himself. He'd cling to his kids, to Genevieve, to his siblings and parents, but he wouldn't do anything stupid.

In and out, Jensen breathed, trying to calm down, hurting because he knew Jared was also hurting so badly right now. He blamed himself, feeling like vermin, a cockroach, simply horrible. How had it come to that? How could he ever make it better? Dozens of scenarios were running through Jensen's mind, one more horrible and dramatic than the other and only after several minutes Jensen noticed that his hands were wet from his tears and smeared from the makeup the transparent blotches had been washing away. “Calm down, Ackles,” Jensen demanded of himself. “Get yourself together.” Like a mantra, Jensen repeated it, and slowly, he calmed down, getting more aware of his surroundings again. The stink of his vomit, the cold from the floor, his shirt soaked with sweat, his hands clammy and his feet cold as ice. 

After a while, Jensen felt a tad better. Enough to get up and stumble into the bathroom, where he had a long shower, washing away the stench of vomit, the tears and the makeup. Hot water thundering down at him, almost scalding his skin, the pain was just good enough to chase some of the pain inside away, to get warmth back into his body and loosen his hurting shoulders. Only when the water was getting colder did Jensen get out of the shower. Steam was wafting in the air and the mirror was moist with a sheen of humidity. When he wiped his hand over it, a tired, defeated and most of all, old and hopeless face was looking back at Jensen. Not for the first time in the last couple of months did Jensen find himself far from attractive and handsome, wondering what his fans saw in him. He was rotten inside, and it showed in the gray in his hair and beard, the killer wrinkles and most of all, the dull eyes. 

With shaking hands, Jensen brushed his teeth, rinsed his mouth, and brushed his teeth again; a feeble attempt to get rid of the disgusting taste. Still wearing nothing but the towel around his waist, still feeling as if his legs belonged to a newborn kitten, all weak and wobbly, Jensen stepped back into the living-space of his trailer, the stink in there stomach-churning. Nausea was back instantly, but he got himself together, forcing the bile that was tickling in his throat down. He donned fresh, comfortable clothes and opened the windows before he started to clean the mess in the sink away, closing his eyes and holding his breath, so that he wouldn't have to look at his own vomit.

He knew what he had to do. He had to call Jared. At once. Not that he wanted to have this conversation here, on set, but he couldn't help it. His apartment was half an hour away and he just couldn't wait another thirty minutes. This was urgent. He felt as if their friendship didn't have half an hour, maybe not even five minutes anymore. 

With shaking hands, Jensen grabbed his cell. Jared had tried to call him, too. Not once, not twice or three times. He had tried to call him sixteen times in the last few hours, probably ever since he had heard the news. The last call had been made bare minutes before Jensen had found out. Sixteen times. Jensen could imagine how mad, how upset, how desperate Jared had felt when he had read the news. Betrayed. Gutted, like he had phrased it. His insides ripped out by a man he had trusted with all his being. Jensen had done the worst thing a friend could do. 

What could Jensen possibly say or do to make it better? Was there even something he could do? What if Jared – Jensen clawed his fingers hard into his arm to avoid this thought sneaking into his mind. Jared wouldn't do that. He was reasonable. Fair. Loving and kind. He'd hear him out. Jared was like that. Jensen wouldn't go down that road, thinking the unthinkable of not even getting a chance to explain. They were stronger than that, weren't they?

Without hesitating much longer, Jensen called Jared – only to reach the mailbox. “Jare, it's me. Not sure if you even want to talk to me right now but I hope you let me explain. It's important. So please, call back and um, I know it's too little, but I'm sorry I hurt you, man. Please believe me when I say, I never wanted to hurt you.”

***

Somehow, Jensen managed to get home. Not that the apartment was home, in any way, but it was the only home he had here in Toronto. Jared hadn't called. Not wanting to bug him, Jensen waited another twenty minutes, ignoring all the other calls and messages, yet waiting in vain for Jared to call back. Of course he didn't. If the roles were reversed, Jensen probably also wouldn't call back at once. So, Jensen tried again, once more being directed straight to voicemail. He left another message, different words, same message, knowing that it really was too little, too late.

Feeling sick and weirdly light-headed, Jensen couldn't even think about food without bile was tickling his throat again and even the thought about Jack, who had been such a true companion in the past months, made him uncomfortable, so for once, he stayed dry that night. Trying to keep his mind of things, Jensen read in his scripts, watched TV and even tried to write a new sad song about broken hearts, but he was too agitated to concentrate on any of it, giving up whatever he started after a few minutes, once more pacing his small apartment like a tiger in a too small cage. 

Jensen tried to sleep, tossing and turning, the bedding feeling either too warm or too cold and no matter what he tried, sleep didn't come. In the middle of the night, Jensen left the apartment complex, walking through the city aimlessly. Minutes stretched into hours, the noises and the light and darkness of streets and parks enveloping him, until Jensen came back, sweaty, with hurting legs and his throat dry. Jared still hadn't called. Not that Jensen blamed him.

He stepped beneath the shower, first hot, then ice-cold water thundering down on him and he screamed, not caring one bit if he woke up the neighbors, crashing his fist against the wet tiles, pain shooting through the knuckles, but it was not enough to replace the pain he was in. Crying, Jensen sank down onto the bottom of the shower, shaking like a leaf, not only because of the cold that hit him like a thousand needles but also because of the cold he felt inside. He cried not only for his own pain, but for hurting Jared, who was, despite his little faults that were also his best characteristics, the softest, kindest soul on earth.

Teeth chattering, Jensen found enough strength to crawl out of the shower eventually. Never before had he been so cold, so close to desperate. Not even when Jared had his breakdown and he had been stuck in stupid Italy. Jensen managed to wrap himself into a big fluffy towel, rubbing off his skin covered with goosebumps and tumbling into his bed, where he curled himself into a fetal position, hugging his knees to his chest and waiting for warmth that only slowly came.

Needing to talk to someone, Jensen called his sister. She was one of the few people in the world who knew about Jared because she had a good power of observation and had simply noticed that her brother was looking at his best friend in a more than friendly way. It took her a while to answer the phone, to leave the bedroom she shared with her husband and to find a place where she could talk, without waking him and the kids, but she listened. Like always, Mackenzie didn't judge, didn't take sides. She was Switzerland, neutral, meditative, trying to see all the sides. 

“Jensen, I know you're worried but um, try to calm down, okay? You'll find a way. I know it looks bad but you've known each other for fifteen years. Jared won't throw the whole history between both of you away. He loves you. Not the same way as you love him, but enough to forgive and forget. Just give him the chance to tell you his point of view and ask him to hear you out.”

Mackenzie's voice was like balm on Jensen's soul and when they finished the call, Jensen felt a tad lighter. Enough to switch off the light, the photo of Jared and himself that was standing on his nightstand, next to the pic of himself and his kids, burned into his retina. He hoped that, though he was not worthy of it right now, he'd feel Jared in his arms again like on that pic. His thoughts fixed on happy memories of himself and Jared, Jensen breathed calmly in and out, finally falling asleep.

***

It was 9 am when his cell started ringing, announcing a call from his mother. Knowing that he couldn't ignore the woman who had given him his life, Jensen answered it. “How could you keep this news away from Jared, honey?” Donna asked, without any preamble, a hint of displeasure in her voice as only mothers can sound. “What happened, Jensen?”

Jensen drew a deep breath before answering, “Danneel happened, Mom,” Jensen explained. “And I happened. Jared happened. Covid happened.” Without sugarcoating anything, Jensen told his mother what had happened since that fateful afternoon in winter, when he and Danneel had been watching the kids building a snowman. Tears filled his eyes as he realized how those small decisions they all had made had caused an avalanche of sorrow to go down on them yesterday. “I need to fix this, Mom, but I don't know if I can. Jared, he won't call back.” Fear gripped his bones and once more caused nausea inside his belly. As if Jensen could stop it from churning, he placed a hand on it, rubbing it, wondering if Jared would ever rub his belly again, all soft and sweet, and more tears filled his eyes. “I can't even fly down to talk to him face to face, Mom.”

“You love that boy,” Donna stated matter of factly, and surprisingly there was not a hint of disgust in her voice. “And he loves you. It's so obvious, in the way you are with each other.” Jensen took in a sharp breath, wondering if his mom had found out his secret or if she was only referring to what the fans noticed, too. Yet, he was too stirred to comment on it. “You're a strong, good man. Jared knows that, too. You'll be good. Maybe, you should try calling him again now? I love you, honey.”

“I love you, too, Mom,” Jensen said with tears in his eyes, wondering if his mom knew.  Mothers often knew such things. Yet, it was not the right time to find it out. Maybe once he saw his mother again in autumn, he could talk to her but not now. Now, all his mind was on reconciling with Jared.

He got up and headed into the bathroom for very quick morning ablutions, before brewing himself a huge pot of strong coffee. While the coffee slowly splashed into the can, filling the kitchen with a delicious scent, his cell was ringing again, and even before Jensen looked at the caller ID, he knew it was Jared.

His heart was suddenly in his mouth. How could you hope for something and dread it at the same time? Taking a deep breath, not sure whether to expect a mad, upset or disappointed, maybe even hateful Jared, Jensen answered the call. “Jare, hey, I-”

“Jensen, I honestly don't know whether to be pissed or unbelievably sad.” Just like a reporter, Jared tried for a very neutral tone, but beneath all that neutrality, Jensen could hear all the emotions that were bubbling inside his best friend. “What the fuck happened? Why didn't you tell me? It feels -”

“As if I had stabbed your back and ripped your heart out,” Jensen said, knowing very well how much he had hurt Jared. “I know that, Jare. I never, gosh, Jay, you know me, I -”

“Not sure if I still know you, Jensen. My best friend Jensen wouldn't do something like that to me. He'd rather die than hurting me, man,” Jared spat out. “But maybe, he never was my best friend to begin with? Maybe, it was all for show?” No accusation or insult had ever hurt as much as that. How could Jared himself of all persons doubt that it had been real? Gosh, he could understand their fans thinking something like that now, but Jared? The man whose hand Jensen had held when he was sad, who he had tucked in, whose tears had he wiped away, who he had hugged hello and goodnight, not half-heartedly like hugs are often given, but with all his love, with all his being? Yet, part of Jensen couldn't even blame Jared. A tornado of emotions must be whirling inside Jared and he was wearing his heart on his sleeve, saying what came to his mind. If Jensen had felt bad yesterday, he was feeling horrible now. There were no words to describe how he felt, but dirty and worthless came close to it.

“Jare, you must know that it was real. Nothing had ever been that real and true as our friendship. Can I please explain?” Jensen asked, aware of the hint of desperation in his voice, his heart in a gallop, his insides feeling like mush. What if Jared wouldn't hear him out?

For a while, that seemed like a lifetime, Jensen couldn't hear anything. Then, there was a sniff, that sounded suspiciously as if Jared was crying. “I'm all ears,” Jared answered eventually.

Just like earlier, when he had talked to his mom, Jensen told what had happened, without leaving anything out, apart from the tiny fact that Danneel had sort of blackmailed him. Jared did him the favor of hearing him out, but when Jensen was done, feeling far lighter than earlier, Jared didn't say a thing. The silence between them stretched into awkwardness, and with every passing second, Jensen's heart got graver.

“So, it's my fault, Jensen? You blame me? Because I've been too busy? Because I didn't call back?” Jared's voice had risen in volume and pace, the words tumbling out of his mouth, being followed by a hurting gasp. “That's low, Jensen. Really, really low. I didn't think you could ever sink so low.” The disappointment and venom in Jared's voice was unbearable, cutting like a knife but Jensen knew he deserved it.

“I didn't say that, Jare.” Jensen released a hurting breath, rubbing his forehead where a nasty headache had started to throb painfully against his temples. “I didn't mean it this way. I gosh, Jay, you've been busy and -”

“And again, it's me. You could have sent me a text, Jensen,” Jared yelled. “You could have sent me a fucking old fashioned e-mail or letter, whatever. Yet you decided to keep the news away. Why? Didn't you want me to be a part of it? Were you happy to finally get rid of me?”

Jensen took in a sharp, hurting breath, knowing how much Jared must be hurting, doubting their friendship and what a blow it must have been. “Never, Jay - “

Jared didn't even listen. “Just admit it, Jensen,” he growled. “I can take it. I mean, gosh, I've been so stupid. I loved you, with all my heart and you couldn't wait to kick me in my sorry ass and get rid of me, with my mental health problems and my oddities.”

Jensen was crying now. He almost felt Jared slipping away from him and their friendship shattering in a thousand tiny pieces and nothing to ever fix. “No, just no, Jare. Please, listen to me.” He wasn't sure if Jared did, but he kept on talking, putting all his determination in his voice he could muster, despite his pain. “It wasn't any of this. There are four people in the world I'd die for, Jared. You're one of them.”

Jared sniffed. It was obvious he was crying, too. Jensen himself ignored the tears that were blurring his eyes worse than ever before, dripping onto his chest, the snot already clogging his nose. So what? He wasn't a cry-baby, but if ever something was worth crying over, it was what he had brought upon Jared and himself.

“Jare, it was the perfect storm.” A sob escaped his throat. “So many things, miscommunication, mistakes. I honestly thought you wouldn't care, because you have Walker. You're so happy with your show, far happier than you've ever been with Supernatural and I honestly thought that you wouldn't want to be a part of it anymore. You have so much love to give, and I thought that maybe, my time was up and -”

“Jensen, I-” Jared stuttered, speechless. “Gosh, I. Let me call you back, okay?” His voice sounded small, insecure and before Jensen could say anything, Jared disconnected the call.

His heart hammering like horses' hooves against dry ground, his hands shaking like leaves, Jensen stared at his cell, not really able to comprehend what had happened. How could Jared think that of him? Had he really given him that feeling? Should he have called more often? Where did these insecurities come from? But while he was pondering these things, Jensen realized that he had his own insecurities regarding their friendship, ever since the show had ended. It had been a massive loss. It had felt like crashing with an elevator, from very high up, to a very low ground, within an instance. For years, Jared and he had been joined at the hip, day in, day out, nine months a year. And then, it had been over. They had gone their separate ways and maybe, they had taken their friendship and bond far too granted. But even the best of friendship needed to be tended to so that it kept green and in bloom and didn't wither.

Jensen took in a hurting gasp. “Gosh, Jare,” he breathed out, rubbing his eyes, annoyingly wet, yet more tears came and he let them come. Again, he wailed like a child, for losing Sam and Dean, for losing Jared and for not holding on hard enough, because life just was that way. The headache was knocking against Jensen's skull, horribly painful, and with trembling hands, he took a sip from his mug of coffee. It had just the right temperature, and Jensen finished it in record-breaking time, heading towards the bathroom, where he kept his med kit. Sad, red and puffy eyes in a face that looked unbelievably old and hopeless looked back at him. So much gray in his hair, so many deep wrinkles carved into his skin. He took two Advils, swallowing them down with tap water before returning to the living-room. The air was stale there, Jensen noticed only now, and he opened the windows, letting in fresh air and the noises from down the street, a truck honking, voices calling, a siren in the distance. Thirsty for oxygen, Jensen took hungry gasps of air. His hands were still shaking badly, as if he had Parkinson's or some other neuropathy. Or was on withdrawal. Maybe, it was both.

Eventually, Jensen sat down on the sofa, pulling a cushion against his chest, hoping it were one of his kids or Jared. The most important people in his life. The people he drew strength from, who made him go on, no matter how low he might feel. Yet maybe he had lost Jared now. How could he ever live without Jared? He had once said that if he lost Jared, it would leave a hole that could never be filled, and it was the simple truth. Without Jared, he wouldn't be himself anymore. Without him in his life, Jensen would be in constant pain and longing. He -

His cell started ringing again. Jared's name flashed on the screen. “Jare?”

“Jen.” Jared sounded as emotionally stirred as Jensen was, breathing heavily, once more sniffing. “Gosh, I think you're right. It was partly my fault.”

“No, Jare -” Jensen wanted to object. Jared had played his part in that perfect storm, but only Jensen was to blame. It had been him, not Jared, who had made the decision of keeping the news about the stupid prequel away from his best friend.

“Hear me out,” Jared demanded, but other than earlier, when he had sounded upset and mad, he now sounded tired. “I talked to Jeff, you know. He's my big brother, he -”

Jensen nodded, knowing what Jared wanted to say. They were close, Jared and his brother, and he was reasonable, fair yet eye-opening if needed. He was just like Mackenzie was for Jensen. Family, but still an outsider looking into the extraordinary tight knot that were Jared and Jensen.

“I didn't even notice I did it, you know? I never thought you might feel like you weren't important to me anymore, Jen. Gosh, Jen, you're, -” He paused, swallowing hard. “Without you, I'd be dead.” He sniffed, crying again. “I can't even find words to describe what you are to me, Jen.” It was said with so much gentleness that something inside Jensen healed instantly, and for the first time in the last twelve hours, he dared to hope. “I thought we were good. I never wanted to give you the feeling of not counting anymore. You'll always count.”

“Jare,” Jensen's voice was shaking now and the tears in his eyes were back. “I'm so so sorry. I mean, I thought I still had time, you know. I talked to Eric and I told Dee and gosh, she wants to do this fucking prequel so badly, but for me, it was so very far away. I simply didn't know that the idea had progressed so far. She only told me yesterday and -” Jensen paused, moistening his dry lips. “I never wanted to exclude you. I'd love to work with you again, in any way. You're like my better half or something, Jared,” Jensen admitted. He'd never said it before, scared that the words betrayed his real feelings for Jared, but now he just had to say it. “You make me a better actor, a better director, a better man, because I need to be all those things when you're around. I want to be all these things for you, Jay. I want to be good.”

Jared took in a sharp breath, hurting, surprised, whatever and another sniff escaped his throat. “Jensen, I-”

“I miss you, Jared. Miss seeing you. Like, in person. I… I miss all of you.” It was the closest Jensen had ever come to a real I love you, and there was nothing else he could say. He could only hope that Jared, who had known him for years and who had always trusted him, still had enough faith in him to believe him.

“I miss you, too, Jen,” Jared said eventually. It wasn't just said like this, so that Jensen would be relieved. Jensen knew Jared meant it, just like he had meant it from the bottom of his heart.

“Are we, um -”

“We'll get there again, Jensen,” Jared promised. “Listen, I need to go now, and um, I'll need a bit of time to think about all this, but we'll get there. And no matter what, I love you, man. You're my brother. Always.”

“Love you, too,” Jensen said, the words still ringing in his ears long after Jared had disconnected the call. For a while, Jensen didn't do anything. Even his mind was practically blank. He just breathed in and out, trying to process what had happened in the last minutes and hours and trying to calm his still heavily racing heart.

Eventually, he opened Twitter, seeing that Jared had beat him with a message. It made him smile, as he typed his own. Their fans were probably freaking out, and they should know that well, they were good. Or, like Jared had phrased it, they would get there. Everything else was between Jared and him anyways. They would work on it, on their relationship, to make sure that the occurrences wouldn't destroy the most amazing friendship both had ever had. Nothing was worth it, least of all a stupid prequel about John and Mary.

As the day passed, Jensen answered text messages and calls. He told them all the same. “We'll be good.” 

When he went to set, for the first of a handful of night shots, Jensen sent Jared a message: I really want to walk this bumpy road with you, knowing that it'll only make us stronger.

3

For days, there was radio silence between Jared and Jensen. No calls, no texts, just nothing. Jensen felt miserable, often scrolling through the photos on his cell, wondering if he would have Jared like that ever again; draped over him, arms wrapped around him, his nose buried into Jensen's hair. He longed for oblivion, but he stayed sober, knowing that if he drank now, he would need rehab in half a year. Besides, Jensen also knew that alcohol or drugs were never a solution. He'd seen what drugs could do, and he didn't want to end in the gutters.

Instead of talking to Jared, Jensen talked to his siblings and his parents, to Steve, Chris and Jason. It helped, maybe also because they all said the same. “You're epic, you'll be good.” If people saw them like that, they hopefully would be. Jensen clung to this thin thread of hope, until, after a week, he decided that seven days was enough time to give to his best friend. Besides, it had been himself who had screwed, so it needed to be himself, not Jared, to make a first step and show that he really still cared.

Jensen's call went straight to voicemail and Jensen left an uncommonly coy message, the plea to call him back, once Jared was ready. Jared didn't call back, but he sent a message: I still need time, Jen.

Another week passed and Jensen was at the end of his tether. He barely slept, he barely ate, and the job was demanding, Soldier Boy a big challenge, and his mental state worse than ever before. If it hadn't been for his kids, for his family and for the small flame called hope in is heart, maybe Jensen would have done something stupid, but he didn't. He couldn't. Not like that. Not with things between Jared and himself being so shaky and unclear.

Then, finally, almost three weeks after the incident the fans had started to call prequel gate, Jared finally called. “I forgive you, Jen,” Jared said gently, without any preamble, yet with tears in his voice. “Please forgive yourself, too. It's okay.”

They talked for almost three hours, until Jared's voice lured Jensen to the first restful sleep in months. They'd see each other soon, Jared promised. Once he was allowed to travel to Canada, he would board a plane and then, they would catch up.

Jensen held onto this promise for the following weeks. Every day, Jared sent him a message or a photo. From Vegas, from Italy, where he traveled with his wife and brother, and later, once he was home, from himself and his kids. It made Jensen feel as if he was part of the family again. It helped him to believe that Jared really had forgiven him and that things were okay. Yet, Jensen wasn't sure if he really could forgive himself. Some fans still held a grudge against him, and while he shouldn't give a damn, Jensen did. Besides, he really had done the unthinkable. He had betrayed the best friend he had ever had, and it still weighed heavily on his mind.

August came, but Jared didn't. This time, Covid really was to blame. Genevieve caught it, suffering pathetically in public, and then, the whole family caught it too. Horrible worst case scenarios were whirling through Jensen's mind, and nightmares were haunting him, in which Jared died without giving Jensen the chance to make it up. He called Jared every day, talking to him, making sure that he was as okay as he could be. Luckily, Jared wasn't too sick, was mostly feeling tired and very exhausted, as if all the strength had been sucked out of his body, with a headache bugging him, but it could have been far worse and he slowly made a recovery.

The last weeks in Toronto felt twice as long as the first and Jensen was itching to get home. Home to his kids, and home to Jared. Finally, he could. At long last he arrived in Colorado and fell onto his knees, hugging his kids again for what seemed hours, their small bodies fitting so well into the circle of his arms. A few days later he returned to Austin, driving to Jared's as fast as he could. For hours he sat inside his car, watching the house. Like a creep. Like Dean had watched his Sammy in Stanford. It was weird how the story repeated itself. Eventually, when his legs had cramped, his throat was dry and pain was knocking at his skull, Jensen got out of the car and walked to the front door.

Jared opened the door. He didn't know that Jensen was back, Jensen hadn't told him, scared that Jared would push him away. He stared and hesitated. Blinked. Moved his weight from one leg to the other, his expression unreadable. Moments passed.

Everything had changed. Nothing was good between them, Jensen knew it instantly. It was the way Jared hesitated, pressing his lips together, before he leaned over for a hug. A hug that was far too brief, coming with a smile on Jared's lips that didn't really reach his eyes. Jared hated him.

It felt as if the warmth inside Jensen was suddenly gone. “I shouldn't have come, Jay. I, um, should have called,” Jensen stammered, his throat dry and the coldness spreading through his body. Tears were tickling his eyes but he swallowed them down. He wouldn't cry in front of Jared for something he had brought upon himself. Stupid, stupid Jensen. He really had lost his best friend, one of the most important people in his life. Just because he had been lazy, disappointed, insecure and upset. JaredandJensen were no more.

“Yeah, no. I'm just surprised, that's all.” Jared avoided his eyes and his voice had a strange tone, weirdly neutral and emotionless. A bit like soulless Sam. “This isn't, it's not a good time, Jensen. Gen's parents are here.”

Jensen's face fell, not only at the news of being unwelcomed, which felt like a dagger in his heart, but also at the awkwardness of the situation and the realization that they really were far from alright. “Sorry, I didn't know.”

“How could you?” Jared was standing on the threshold of his door, Jensen in front of the house. It made Jensen feel unwelcome, like a salesman, who tried to sell something to someone who was just too polite to send him away instantly. “Listen, I'll come over. In the next few days? Once Gen's folks are gone?” Shuffling his feet nervously, it was obvious that Jared felt the tension of the moment, too, but he didn't do anything to ease it, smiling at Jensen half-heartedly, almost coldly.

“Sure man,” Jensen said, but his heart was breaking. He knew Jared wouldn't come. Like a beaten dog, he turned around and left, feeling worse than ever before in his life.

***

Jensen had been right. Jared didn't come. First, he sent excuses. Family, kids, date night with Genevieve, Walker until eventually, he didn't. He just ignored Jensen and Jensen had to admit to himself that their friendship was dead. He had killed it. For three days, Jensen wailed in self-pity. Jack was back in his hand, along with weed and pills, everything that helped him to forget and to cope. But of course it didn't help, it never did. It just caused the mother of hangouts, dry eyes and throats, a light sensitivity and him feeling very sick. Eventually though, Jensen woke up one noon, alone in his bed in Austin, while his family was in Colorado, realizing that he had to fight for it. If ever someone was worth fighting for, it was Jared.

When Jensen looked at his cell, he noticed it was the first anniversary of their last day on set. He remembered promises and vows, Jared's hand holding his, waking up with his arm around his best friend. Jensen remembered their love. How could he ever ignore how much he loved Jared? How much he needed him in his life? And he remembered something else; a storage full of boxes, with memorabilia telling their story.

Without thinking about it, Jensen called. This time, his call didn't go to voicemail. “It's been a year, Jare,” Jensen said gently without any preamble. “I know it's complicated but if a friendship ever was worth saving, it's ours. If you want to.” He paused, swallowing hard, his palms moist, his heart pounding rapidly against his chest and his throat weirdly clogged. “Do you want to?”

Jared was quiet for a while, the only sound between them the buzz of the cell connection and Jensen could almost hear the wheels in Jared's mind turning, until he eventually replied, “It's worth a try, Jensen.”

Gratitude and relief washed over Jensen as he released a breath he didn't know he had been holding. “We should start with the boxes, Jay. I guess it might help. Remembering who we were. What we are for each other.”

“What are we for each other?” Jared asked back. “Now as we ain't co-stars anymore?” His voice was spiced with curiosity but also with a hint of melancholy.

Jensen didn't hesitate to answer. “Friends, brothers and soul mates, Jare. You said so yourself.” It had been years ago, yet Jensen remembered it as well as if it had been only yesterday. Jared had asked him to move in with him again, and Jensen had hesitated, for obvious reasons, but also because he had been worried about their reputation. It had been Jared who had brought him around, who had argued that there was nothing wrong with moving back together, because it was absolutely okay if friends and brothers shared an apartment.

“Yeah, I remember.” Jared paused again, and Jensen found himself scratching his neck in a nervous gesture. “Okay then, Jensen. Let's start with the boxes. Let's see where it leads us to.”

***

A few days later, when Jared was free, they met in front of the storage room. They didn't hug. Jensen wanted to, but the moment he stepped closer, Jared shook his head almost imperceptibly, expression grave and eyes sad. He wasn't ready yet.

It broke Jensen's heart. Jared, who loved to hug, who hugged every Dick and Harry, didn't want to hug his once best friend because Jensen had hurt him so much. But probably, Jensen just didn't deserve to be in Jared's arms again. Not now, maybe never. Pressing his lips together, Jensen tried hard not to show how much it hurt and busied himself with unlocking the door instead. The dozen or so boxes were sloppily scattered over the concrete floor, in between other things; an armchair, a huge TV, a stereo. In a way it was weird that their lives and memories of fifteen years were stored in these boxes. They looked so little and unimportant, and their contents were, too. Nothing of value, at least on the material side. Yet, the things in the boxes were of value, because they told part of their story.

“Your or my place?” Jensen asked as he took the first random box, carrying it over to his SUV.

“Your place is fine, I guess,” Jared said, not looking at Jensen, just taking the next box and putting it onto the back seat of his own car.

They worked in silence, packing the boxes into their cars, until they were filled to the roof and the small storage space was empty apart from the furniture and electrical devices. As far as he could remember, Jared had bought all of it, but when Jensen asked him if he wanted to take them, too, he just shrugged, mumbling that he didn't need them. Once they were done, Jared closed the door and got into his own car, following Jensen to his place. Jensen tried hard not to look into the rearview mirror too often as he made his way through the Saturday morning traffic, Jared's look uncommonly solemn. He was very much aware of the awkwardness between them, almost as if they were strangers or even worse, estranged old friends who hadn't seen each other in years and had met coincidentally. And maybe they were. Maybe what had happened between them had caused such a huge rift between them that it was only very hard to cross.

“Where is Dani?” Jared asked half an hour later as he followed Jensen into the house and down the basement, their steps heavy in the silent house, carrying one of the heavy boxes as if it was nothing. Just like Jensen himself, he had beefed up after his Covid infection, the muscles flexing in his strong arms.

“In Colorado. She likes it better there.” Danneel had never really warmed to Austin, just had moved there because Jensen had insisted on it to be closer to Jared. Not that Jensen had been happy about that move to Colorado. Despite the beauty of the country, he never had wanted it.

“You'll move there permanently?” Jared's expression was unreadable and with a pang of horror, Jensen realized how screwed up their friendship was. A year ago, when Danneel had bought the premises and Jensen had brought the news to Jared, he had been heartbroken that Jensen would move away. Now his face was blank; if Jared felt something about it, he didn't show.

“I really don't know, Jare.” Jensen placed the box he had been carrying onto the carpeted concrete floor. It was cool in the basement, even without an AC, smelling a little moldy, just like basements were supposed to smell. “I'd rather stay in Austin but -” Jensen shrugged, pressing his lips together. He must be careful about what he said, couldn't give that much away. “It's complicated between Danneel and me.” It had been for a while, ever since April, ever since she had threatened Jensen. Jensen was actually thinking about getting the divorce earlier than planned, and had talked to his lawyer, but it was dangerous. If he did it, he could feel Danneel's wrath. He could lose much more than just his reputation and money, but most of all, his beloved kids.

Jared looked at him, and for the first time since June, Jared looked at Jensen as if he cared. Like the friend Jared had used to be, like the man Jensen had known, before Jensen had ruined everything. “Jen?” He reached out, placing his fingers against Jensen's wrist, sending a shot of heat through Jensen's body. Gosh, how had he missed Jared touching him. “Are you okay? Do you want to talk about it? I know, I -” He rubbed his hand over his face. “Shit, Jensen.”

Jensen didn't say a thing, sensing that Jared was feeling something indeed, that he was confused and hurting. Giving Jared a few moments, Jensen went upstairs and ordered a ton of food from the home delivery service, packing a brown paper bag with beer and water. Back in Vancouver, it had always helped. Food and beverages, each other's company, a smile, a touch, knowing that they weren't alone. They had pulled through everything like that. Jensen still hoped that they would pull through this, too.

“I ordered us food, Jared,” Jensen explained once he came back. Even in the way they didn't use their nicknames all the time it was clear that they were far from good. Almost like strangers. Dancing around each other. There was a wall between them, as high and dangerous as the Berlin Wall, yet invisible.

Opening two cool bottles of beer, Jensen handed one to Jared. For a moment, their fingers brushed against each other. Just a small, unintentional gesture. Yet, it felt strangely intimate and familiar. It gave Jensen hope, especially when a hint of a smile ghosted over Jared's lips before he brought the bottle to his lips to take a sip.

They sat down on the floor and Jensen opened the first box. Clothes. Their clothes. Sam and Dean's clothes nicked from the set. The scent of fragranced detergent tickled Jensen's nose and suddenly he was back in Vancouver, sorting through laundry, putting Jared's on one side of the table and his own on the other. He still could feel the worn, soft materials beneath his fingers and Jared's arm around his waist, leaning in and telling Jensen that he would miss this, them being domestic and having him as his little wife. It had been just a few weeks before the pandemic had hit, and Jared had laughed, ruffling Jensen's hair after he had called him wife and had kissed his cheek. Remembering it now, Jensen could still feel the tingle Jared's lips had left on his cheek, and the hollow in his gut. It was back, this hollow, but right now, it was a hollow caused by fear, not by well-being. What if he could never have Jared back like that?

Jensen blinked hard. He wouldn't cry now. He had caused this rift between them, he had to make sure that he could mend it somehow.

“Jensen? Are you okay?” There it was, this time in Jared's voice. Care. Jensen still mattered to him. Warmth spread through Jensen and a little smile ghosted over his lips.

“Yeah, sure. I just remembered Vancouver. Me sorting the laundry, while you tried to tidy the living-room, getting it even more chaotic instead.”

Jared relaxed a little, unfolding the arms that had been wrapped around his body as if to hug himself. “Yeah, I remember, Jensen.” He didn't say anything else, didn't share his own memories, but he brushed his fingers over Jensen's forearm, as if to give some comfort. “Let's get this done with, dude,” he prompted. It didn't sound impatient or harsh, but emotional. As if Jared was dreading doing it and walking down memory lane.

At first it was awkward, but after a while, it got a little better and lighter. It was Jensen who commented on the clothes, and Jared who threw one of Jensen's old, ripped tees at him. Eventually, Jared started to laugh and although Jensen felt like crying, he joined the laughter, because it was the better alternative.

The food came, Chinese, Indian, Italian, American, a colorful mix of dishes from all over the world. They shared it in silence, their fingers sometimes brushing over each other when they passed the boxes between them. It sent tingle after tingle through Jensen's body. Electricity. It was still there and it gave him hope.

After they had finished their lunch, they started with the second box. DVDs. CDs. Old PS games. More memories and stories followed. A laughter, snort or giggle once in a while. Whenever Jared looked at Jensen, he smiled. Genuinely. It felt as if something was healing between them, yet Jensen knew, they only could heal once they had talked about it. Face to face. About their feelings, their insecurities. The lies, half-truths and the things they hadn't dared to say, all the secrets between them, little and big.

Another box followed, full of books. “We should give some of the things away. Auction it off, at the next con. For charity,” Jared suggested, the Die Hard DVD in his hand. They'd watched the trilogy more than once, for fun mostly, laughing at the nineties style clothes and haircuts, and Bruce Willis, getting dirtier, grimey and bloodier by the minute.

Jensen lifted his brow. “Will there ever be a con again, Jared? Do you still want this?” He wondered what their fans would say, if they could see them like that, all awkward and careful, as if stepping onto far too thin ice that threatened to break any moment.

“I still want this, Jensen,” Jared said, taking one of the empty boxes and placing the DVD in there. “I know this here is awkward, man, far worse than in the beginning. We never were awkward like that. But I'm still me, and I know, you're still you. I just -” He shook his head. “I don't know what I need but this here,” Jared pointed at Jensen, the boxes and himself, “is not that bad.”

Other things followed, DVDs, CDs, some of the tees. Jensen put in his own share. Not that he needed any of the things anyway. Their only value was sentimental.

“Do you want to call it a day?” Jensen asked after he had looked at his cell. It was 6 pm. Not late yet, but he had kept Jared away from his family the whole day and while he didn't know how Jared was feeling, his legs and ass were hurting from sitting on the floor Indian style for hours, sorting through old things.

“No, not necessarily, Jen.” He called him Jen again and it caused the little flame inside Jensen called hope to burn a little brighter and bigger. “This is good. It's like medicine.” He took another of the boxes, a random one, opening it. Jared's smile froze.

“Jared?” Jensen scooted closer, looking into the box. It was filled with photos. Thousands of photos. Most were photos of Jared and himself. Smiling, laughing, sleeping, hugging, as Sam and Dean, but mostly as Jared and Jensen. No, as JaredandJensen. Two human beings, yet one. They had complemented each other, and had been each other's half. “Oh,” Jensen breathed out.

“Maybe I should go, Jen.” Jared's lips were trembling and finally, it fell like scales from Jensen's eyes. Jared was hurting, too. Just as much as himself. He probably missed Jensen, just as much as Jensen missed Jared. They both had been hurt. Perhaps, what Jared did now, all the “giving him the cold shoulder” behavior, was pure self-protection. How could he blame Jared? He must have disappointed him so much.

“No,” Jensen asked, and just like that his hand curled around Jared's wrist, only lightly, not to hurt, just to hold him back. “Please, stay. We're both hurting, Jare.”

The words hung between them, like a storm cloud, warm and heavy, and Jensen felt Jared shaking. Fighting for composure, he tried to act, to brush it away, but he failed miserably.

“I miss you, Jare,” Jensen declared gently. “I miss laughing with you and talking to you. I miss sharing my life with you. I miss hugging you, Jare. What happened to us? I never wanted that.”

Jared just stared, at the hand that was still curled around his wrist, at the photos in the box, of Jared and Jensen, best friends forever, and at the man who used to be his best friend, until he had done the unthinkable. “I thought I forgave you, Jen,” Jared admitted. “I really wanted to. From a very neutral point of view, it's not that bad what you did. I even understand why you decided to not tell me. Yet, I guess, I haven't forgiven yet. Not really. There is this wall between us now. And whenever you called or sent a text, I was wondering if I'd get the real Jensen or just a copy who would keep things from me.”

Jared's words cut like a knife, yet how could Jensen blame him? If their roles were reversed, he'd doubt Jared, too. He'd be as confused as Jared, drawing back from him. “We all have secrets, Jare.” He had so many. Countless secrets, big and little things he had never told anyone, or barely anyone. Some were totally unimportant, others weren't.

A shadow of sadness crept over Jared's features. “I don't know, Jensen. I thought we were more than that. More than secrets and half-truths.” Pulling a random photo out of the box, Jared looked at it closely, before handing it to Jensen. “Look at us, Jensen, and tell me what you see.”

A much younger, happier version of Jensen looked at himself, his whole body leaning into Jared, Jared's hand on his belly. His hand had been on him so often, on his chest or abdomen, on his arm or shoulder, on his back, thigh or knee, even on his feet. It had meant warmth and safety and so much love. “Best friends,” Jensen answered, without even thinking about it. “Two young guys absolutely at ease and very comfortable around each other.”

“Best friends don't lie, Jen.” Gently, Jared shook Jensen's hand off that was still curled around his wrist. “I love you, Jen, God knows I do, but I'm not sure I can ever trust you again.” Jared rubbed his eyes; they were swimming in liquid. “I really think I should go now.”

“Please don't!” Jensen shouted. It sounded desperate, just like he felt right now. He had the feeling that if Jared left now, he'd never see him again. “Don't leave me like this, Jare. We,” he pointed at Jared and himself, “deserve better. Those two guys in the pics, epic, unique, best friends forever, deserve better. Please let me try to mend it.”

Jared hesitated, looking at the box full of memories, at the door and at the man he had used to call best friend. “How can you mend it, Jensen? That's not a broken chair. That's our friendship. Faith. Trust.” Jared's voice shook as he said this, full of desperation and pain, yet also seasoned with a hint of hope.

“For starters, we sort these photos.” Jensen put the photo Jared had given him away, taking a handful of photos out of the box, as if to show his intention. “Talk about us. And then, maybe, we can spend more time together.” He wanted this and needed this, spending time with Jared. For so many other reasons than his love for Jared.

“You'll move to Colorado, Jen. And once you're gone -” Jared shrugged. “How would you want to spend time with me?”

“I'll make time for you, Jared,” Jensen promised. If the last months without Jared in his life had taught Jensen something it was that he needed him, that he was a part of himself and that he would always make time for Jared, to share his life, his stories and his secrets. “We'll keep the house here, even if we move to Colorado permanently. Austin will always be my home, just as Richardson. And even if we'd sell the property, dude, I'd make time for you. Come visit, have you visit. It's just miles, Jare. We're more than miles that keep us apart.”

Releasing a shaky breath, Jared looked at him. Posture hunched, fingers stroking nervously over his thigh. It was obvious he was torn between hope and fear and Jensen hated it, was disgusted by himself for being the reason that Jared didn't trust him anymore.

“Do you want to go back there, Jare?” Jensen pointed at the box filled with photos, the story of two young men who were cast as co-stars and became so much more. “Because I sure want to. I'd do anything to get my best friend back, Jared. I know I screwed up but I'm also adamant to do whatever possible to make it up to you.” His hand pressed against his heart, Jensen spoke with determination, realizing that it was all or nothing now. He needed Jared to see and understand that he cared and that he was ready to fight for their friendship.

“I want my best friend back, too, Jen.” Tears were hanging in his lashes and Jared's voice trembled. “So, um how do we start? Any suggestions?”

Of course Jensen knew how to start. “How about a hug, Jay? It worked quite well the first time our story started.”

For a second Jared hesitated, yet then, he leaned into Jensen's space, hugging him gently, slowly melting into Jensen, just like Jensen melted into him. It felt like coming home, like a warm summer's breeze, like peace. It cocooned Jensen in warmth and strength. Something inside him healed. Something that had broken months ago. Tears welled in his eyes, and he buried his face into the crook of Jared's neck, one of his favorite places in the world. He was back in Jared's arms. They anchored him, like they had always done. His chest was his safe place. Jared was his home.

“I missed you, man,” Jared whispered. “Gosh, I missed you.” He held Jensen even tighter. “Please mend us, Jen. Please make the pain go away.” A tremor ran through Jared's body. “It hurt so much. It still hurts. Not having you in my life.”

“'m still here, Jare. You just have to let me in.”

Minutes passed, and Jared and Jensen hugged, clinging to each other, sobbing on each other's shoulder, sometimes silent, sometimes desperate. Carefully, Jensen wiped Jared's tears away, and Jared let him. With doing so, part of the wall got cracks and crumbled down, just like the cracks in their hearts healed a bit. “Will you let me in, Jared?”

Jared nodded. “Only if you let me in, too.”

“Promise. No more secrets,” Jensen vowed. He'd tell Jared everything. Down to his last, most well-kept secret. It couldn't get any worse, could it? “How about we move this upstairs, Jare? To the living-room? It's more comfortable there.”

“Good idea, I guess.” Jared took the box, Jensen the drinks and the leftovers from their lunch and they headed upstairs. Jensen got them fresh drinks from the fridge, heated up the food and grabbed fresh cutlery. When he stepped into the living-room, he found Jared sitting on the sofa Indian style, the box emptied into a formidable heap in the middle of the couch.

“How do you want to sort these?” Jared asked, gratefully accepting the fresh bottle of ice-cold water Jensen handed him, taking a gulp before absentmindedly playing with the plastic label.

“How about we sort them into pics of us and pics of other people?” Jensen suggested.

“Yeah, but I think one of us is on almost every pic, Jen.” Jared took a random one, showing it as a proof. It was him and Katie, Ruby Number One.

“It's a start, Jared.” Jensen sat down on the free side of the couch, taking a mouthful of his own water, grateful for the cool liquid running down his throat. Crying so much had exhausted him.

Just like Jared, he took one photo after the next. Sometimes, he put it onto the slowly growing heaps without looking at it for long, but quite often, he looked at it more closely. In a way, it felt as if seeing them, Jared and Jensen, for the first time. Their body language was remarkable. How easy they had been around each other, how they were leaning into each other, heads touching, their hands often in places where normal friends wouldn't put their hands.

It was Jared who started to comment on the photos, once in a while, showing them to Jensen, wondering aloud where and when it had been taken, or, if Jared remembered, recalling the special occasion. Something shifted between them, got lighter again, just like earlier, when they had sorted the clothes. Laughter was booming through Jensen's living-room, and once in a while one of them even wiped the tears from the corner of their eyes, not because they were sad, but because they remembered happy times.

Jensen pulled a photo out of the pile, of Jared and him, sitting in the Impala, dressed as Sam and Dean, yet definitely being out of character. Suddenly, Jensen remembered something. Years ago, when he had first had the idea of inheriting Baby, he had talked to Jared about a road trip. They never had mentioned it again, but back then, they both had loved the idea. Maybe it was the right time to do it now. A ride with Baby, a week or two, just them, without wives, kids and worries, to find each other again. “Remember the road trip with Baby we were talking about, Jare?” Jensen asked, handing the photo over to his friend.

Looking at the photo, Jared nodded slowly. “Yeah.”

“We should do it, you know? I think it might help. Just you and me. Unless you -”

“No, Jen,” Jared cut in, maybe a little too quickly. “I'm not saying no, but also not yes, yet.” Gently, Jared moved his thumb over their laughing faces imprinted on photo paper. “I remember we talked about it. More than once. Not necessarily a ride with Baby, but holidaying together.” A little melancholic smile lifted the corners of Jared's lips just a tiny bit. “Is it okay if I think about it? 'm not sure if I'm ready for it, yet.”

It was not what Jensen had hoped for, but better than a no. “Sure,” he said, trying for a neutral tone. Yet, the disappointment must have shown on Jensen's face, because Jared placed his hand on Jensen's upper arm.

“'m sorry, Jen. I wish I could just throw all my cautions in the wind but -”

“I understand, Jay.” Seeing it from Jared's point of view, Jensen really did. Regarding the circumstances, it had been a very bold suggestion. “I understand that I hurt you, and that you don't trust me anymore and that you have to protect yourself. I know it's a lot I ask of you. I'm not upset, Jared. It's okay. Besides, we promised each other; no more secrets. You're just being honest here.” Cupping Jared's hand with his own, Jensen squeezed it. “I know you need time.”

They changed the subject, but Jared didn't put the photo of them in the Impala on the pile with the other photos, but put it into his wallet. Jensen hoped it was a good sign.

***

Just a couple of days later, Jensen got a text. Let's do it, Jen. Let's take a ride with Baby.

It made Jensen one of the happiest he'd been in the whole year.

4

It took them three more Saturdays to sort through the boxes, and every day spent together was a small step towards each other. It was not so much in the things they said, more in the things they did. The little smiles and touches that lingered a little longer, the way Jared leaned a little closer, the way he hugged Jensen hello. Brief, yet genuine and tight. They had also started making tentative plans about the road trip, brainstorming about various routes they could take and things they could do. Most difficult seemed to be finding a time gap where they both were free and that wasn't around Christmas or New Year and preferably not in the middle of winter, anyways.

“Jare?” Jensen started, his heart beating heavily against his chest. He had decided to come out. He had to. Not only because of his promise to not keep any secrets, but because he didn't want to delude Jared. Not anymore. He'd kept this away from him for too long and if they went on this road trip, Jared should know the truth. “Remember last time? When we talked about secrets?”

Jared looked up from the photo he had just pulled from the pile, his brow furrowed. “Yeah?”

“There's a few things about me you don't know.” Suddenly, Jensen's hands were sweaty and he felt very sick. “Important stuff. Things barely anyone knows about me.” He felt his heart beating quicker than usual and there was a weird hole in his gut. Jared was no homophobe, yet Jensen was aware of the fact that his coming out could change things between them, and it could leave them in a far worse situation than the one they had been in.

Jared lifted his brows. “Okay.” It sounded like a question.

“Only a handful people know what I'm gonna tell you now, Jared,” Jensen explained, wiping his sweaty hands on his thigh. “I know I should have told you years ago, but it's massive and um, I didn't want things to change between us.” He really hoped Jared would understand, and wouldn't be pissed that he had kept this part of his life away from his best friend.

“And now you tell me because everything has already changed between us?” Jared wondered, his expression unreadable, scratching his nose.

“Yes and no. I want to be honest here, Jare. I tell you now because it's time to tell you, but yeah, also because it can't get much worse between us than it had been a few weeks ago.” Jensen shifted nervously on the sofa, just to stretch the space between himself and Jared a bit, not wanting to crowd him.

Jared flinched. “What is it, dude? Are you a satanist? Pedophile? Drug dealer? Nazi? Underco-”

“Stop it,” Jensen laughed, burying his head in his hands, muffling his laughter. The banter helped to make it a little easier, and Jensen already felt a tad lighter. Maybe Jared wouldn't take the news that badly. “Do you honestly think I could be any of it?”

“No, I don't.” Jared smirked, turning his palms upwards in a peaceful gesture. “Just spit it out, man. It can't be that bad.”

Jensen took a deep breath, releasing it slowly, and when it was spent, he spat it out. “I'm gay, Jared, and Danneel is my beard.”

Jared swallowed. And stared, eyes wide as saucers. Opened his mouth to say something, only to close it again. “Gosh Jensen.” His lips trembled and his eyes filled with tears. Had Jensen upset him that much with the news? “I -” He bit his lips. “It doesn't change a thing.” The unsorted photos ended up on the floor as Jared slid closer to wrap Jensen into his arms. “You should have told me years ago, Jen.” Jared buried his head in Jensen's neck and held him real tight. “It's nothing to be ashamed of. Gosh, Jen. Why did you carry this burden with you all those years?” He started to move his hands up and down Jensen's back in a soothing gesture.

It felt unbelievably good, receiving love and not wrath in exchange for his secret. “We were this tight, Jare,” Jensen murmured, his head buried against Jared's shoulder. “And I was scared that you would push me away, avoid me because of your um, very straight image.”

“Never, Jen. I'd never push my best friend away be-” Jared bit his lips. “Shit. I pushed you away because of something else.” Sniffing, Jared tightened his hold around Jensen.

“You had all the right in the world to be upset with me, Jay,” Jensen insisted, drawing back, just enough to look at his friend. He was still there. After everything that had happened, after lying about something as massive as his sexuality, Jared was still with him, his face wet with tears, not in anger, but in sadness at the truth Jensen had to hide. “Don't worry about it.” Hands spread wide, Jensen cupped Jared's head, a little smile chasing some of the sadness away.

“Wish you had told me earlier, Jen,” Jared stated, looking at Jensen curiously, a little differently, as if he was searching for some hint of gayness he hadn't seen before. “I never would have guessed, Jen. I mean, sure, I saw those old pics from Days of our Lives, but it were the nineties and we all looked gay in the nineties.”

Jensen chuckled. “You really okay with it? With the closeness we shared?” There had been very intimate moments between them that had crossed the border of a normal friendship by far. Cuddling on the couch, falling asleep next to each other, sharing their bed, touches, almost everywhere.

“Absolutely okay with it.” As if he wanted to prove it, Jared leaned in, brushing his lips over Jensen's cheek. “There's nothing that was inappropriate between us, Jen. You never gave off any vibes or any wrong impressions. You were awesome, every single moment, even when we had a tiff.” Drawing Jensen against his chest, Jared hugged him again, very tight and sincerely.

Relief washed over Jensen in a strong wave and he thanked God for his acting talent, never having shown his real feelings, and the gift of pretending and ignoring. “There is something else I need to tell you. About the prequel. There is another story. A story where Danneel threatened me.”

Jared let go of Jensen, yet his hands remained warm and wide on Jensen's shoulders. “She did what?” Eyes wide, Jared looked at Jensen flabbergasted, squeezing his shoulders gently. “Jen, what did she do?”

“I didn't want to do it without you, Jare. I wanted you to be part of it. But Danneel,” Jensen swallowed, moistening his lips with the tip of his tongue. “She said it was a thing between her and me and not you and me. She threatened to out me and to take the kids away from me, Jay.” Slowly, bit by bit, Jensen shared what had happened in April, his chest tight as the fear of losing his kids was back. “She has power over me. She knows things she shouldn't, but she does, and she can use them against me. She could ruin me, in more than the financial kind of sense.”

“What a bitch!!” Jared called outrageously. “And I liked her. I thought she was good for you, and I, gosh.” Jared shook his head in disbelief. “Is there anything I can do, Jen?”

“No.” Carefully, Jensen placed his hand against Jared's heart. He didn't flinch, didn't look disgusted. Jared smiled. “You didn't run away. You're still here. You really are the kindest soul on Earth, man.”

Jared flushed, blinking once, looking at their legs that almost touched. “Oh Jen, it's still you.” He hugged him again, as if he wanted to prove that nothing had changed. For a while, he held Jensen, and it really felt like in the heyday of their friendship before he drew back, leaning his head on Jensen's shoulder. “Do your folks know? How could I have missed it? I mean, did you um-?” He made a very explicit gesture with his hand. “We shared our apartment for years, dude. How could you hide that from me?” Jared asked curiously, his brow furrowed, as if he was searching his memories for any sort of hint or a faceless stranger he had seen at their place who had sneaked out of the apartment in the middle of the night.

“My wild days are long over, Jay.” Jensen laughed. “Besides, I've always been very discreet and careful. I never brought someone home to our apartment and I never had something, um, serious.” It felt weird talking about it with Jared. Thinking about it, he never really had talked about it at all. Apart from Mackenzie, only Danneel and Jason knew and they had never really asked Jensen about his love life.

A hint of sadness crept over Jared's features. “Aren't you lonely?”

Jensen shrugged. “I know it's hard to believe when a man says this, but sex isn't everything, dude. Danneel and I were close and while it wasn't sex, it was love. And um, I got you, Jay.” Jensen had to be careful now, and didn't want to give anything away yet. His biggest secret of all would be kept for a little longer.

Jared smiled broadly, but then it fell. “Toronto must have been hell for you. I really was a crappy friend, Jen. I should have been more aware of it, but -” Jared shrugged, biting his lips. “We both made mistakes,” Jared admitted, looking horribly guilty. “I see that now.”

“And we are both working on it now. It's okay, Jare.” Jensen leaned closer and Jared didn't back off, instead he took the invitation, hugging Jensen again. Some more bricks in the wall between them crumbled and for the first time since Jensen had come home he really was positive that eventually, things would be okay between Jared and him.

***

After the boxes were sorted out, Jared and Jensen didn't see each other for a while. Jensen went to Colorado, and while it was awkward around Danneel, it was great to be with his kids again. Yet, Jared and he managed to stay in touch, far more than in spring. Either of them called and made time, and whenever they talked, Jared's mind was far more on Jensen than it was on Walker or his family. Jensen on the other hand kept Jared meticulously up to date with the prequel plans. “I want you to be a part of it. It wouldn't be the same without you.”

Jared hesitated for a bit, yet then answered, “I rather not. I appreciate it, Jen, but from all you told me, it's clear that Danneel doesn't want me to and I can't stand between you. What if she makes her threats true, outs you or even worse, takes your kids from you, Jen? I never could forgive myself. It's not worth it.”

Jensen's heart swelled with love. He couldn't help but be amazed by Jared's support. “I don't know what to say, Jare.” He really was speechless. Part of him was sad that Jared didn't want to be a part of it, the other part was almost relieved because his own heart wasn't into this project and he didn't want Jared to be cannon fodder for his wife.

“We'll find something for ourselves, Jen,” Jared promised. “Our project. Something we both support wholeheartedly, something that's our baby. We can brainstorm on our road trip.”

Jensen was grateful that it was Jared who brought it up this time, not him. It meant that Jared did care about it, wanted it as much as Jensen, this time together and all that came with it. “We'll go on a mini hiatus soon and the episode we shoot before is Liam heavy, so I can get ten days.”

“Ten days?” Jensen was surprised, even more than that. He was overwhelmed. All he had hoped for were a couple of days. Spending ten days with Jared seemed like a gift. “That's far more than I expected.”

“It's not much, Jen. Remember, wherever we go, we need to go back to Austin again, unless you want to abandon Baby.”

“Never.” The thought alone was ridiculous. He loved that car. “How far is soon, Jared?” Jensen didn't have much scheduled. He would direct Walker, but only in January, and he would return to Toronto for The Boys Season Four, yet not before April. He was practically unemployed. Not that he minded. It gave him enough time for his family and for his music and it had been good for his mental health.

“Two weeks. I know it's- “

“It's perfect,” Jensen cut Jared off impatiently. The sooner, the better. He couldn't wait to spend ten full days with Jared and reconcile. “It'll be amazing.”

“Where do you want to go, Jen?”

Jensen didn't really care. It was not about where they were going, but about being with Jared. “It's secondary, Jay. All I want is to spend time with you.”

A slight sigh escaped Jared's lips, melancholic and happy at the same time. “You're sweet.” There was not a hint of mockery in his voice. “I'll think about it. Maybe make an itinerary. But wherever it will be, I'll make sure it's gonna be a trip to remember.”

5

“I didn't really think about it,” Jared announced as he parked his Impala in front of Jensen's house on a Friday evening. “I thought it would be more fun to just drive where the road leads us to, you know, like Sam and Dean did.” He grinned broadly, showing white teeth and the deepest dimples possible, causing a weird happiness inside Jensen.

“Sam and Dean drove where the monsters led them to, but okay,” Jensen remarked dryly, yet returning the sassy smile, pulling Jared into a hug and holding on for as long as Jared let him, which was quite long. It felt natural again, hugging Jared and being hugged in return, not feigned, and Jensen took it as a good sign.

“You can drive, you know,” Jared offered, waving with the key as he watched Jensen throw his carry on and a small suitcase into the trunk Jared already had filled with his own luggage, beverages and non-perishable snacks. “It was your idea after all.”

“Nah, I trust you, man, go ahead.” Jensen closed the trunk, walking to the passenger seat, his hand on the black frame, caressing it as gently as if it were a human being. “Hello Baby,” he whispered, not feeling stupid at all. This car and her sister, who was safely parked in Jensen's garage, were a place full of memories. Jared and he had spent hours in the Impala, laughing and bantering, despite their sometimes really tough job. Just like tees, DVDs or books, Baby was a part of their story, probably the most important part next to themselves.

Jared smiled at his friend fondly. While he liked the car, he'd never had that bond with her. “You like her more than your wife.”

“Indeed I do,” Jensen remarked instantly, sighing. The love and trust he once had for Danneel was gone. He was friendly, civilized, once in a while forcing himself to hug her or kiss her on the cheek or lips, to not give too much away, but Danneel's threat had destroyed something between them and Jensen thoroughly doubted they could ever have it back.

“How're things with Daneel?” Jared prompted as he started the car, steering her north. “And how're the kids?”

Slowly, Jensen started sharing the latest news with Jared. He didn't sugarcoat it, and most importantly, didn't hold anything back. He just told him how it was; how relieved Danneel had been when Jensen had brought the news that Jared would not want to be part of the prequel, yet about the stake between them that wouldn't go away. Even though Jensen tried to fool everyone, especially for the sake of their kids, there was just a strange vibe in the air and JJ had long noticed that something was off between her parents. From time to time, Jared asked a question or commented on something Jensen had said, throwing quick looks at his friend as he rushed down I35, a little faster than was allowed. Eventually, Jensen was finished, and silence settled between them; neither awkward, yet also not completely light and easy.

“How're you holding up, Jared?” Jensen asked after ten or more minutes of silence, the only sound between them a radio station with country songs Jensen had just tuned in.

“About that, Jen,” Jared started, scrunching his face weirdly. “Remember our little talk about secrets?”

Jensen just nodded, because how could he forget it? He still had some secrets he needed to share with Jared sooner or later. Actually, he had planned to share them all in the next few days.

“I might have kept a few things from you, too,” Jared admitted, scratching his head in a nervous gesture and looking quite guilty. “I think it's just fair if I shared them with you.”

“Like, show me yours I'll show you mine?” Jensen asked, lifting his brows while wondering what kind of secrets that might be, if they were as equally massive as his, innocent or funny. “You don't have to do this, Jared. You don't owe me anything.”

“It's not about owing you anything, Jen.” There was a sign for a park area and Jared reduced the speed, taking the exit and steering Baby to the first free parking space. He turned off the engine, opening the door to let in fresh air, yet not getting out. “I've been thinking quite a lot about us, ever since you came back from Toronto. I was shocked with myself, how unforgiving I was. That's not really me. Whenever things burdened me in the past fifteen years, I turned to you, Jen. I want to have that back. That faith in each other. And I think we can find this faith by confiding very important stuff in each other. Does that make sense?”

It made perfect sense. Faith and trust went hand in hand. If they trusted each other with important things and if those things would stay between Jared and himself, their faith would grow again. “It does, my friend,” Jensen said solemnly. “And I hope that you know that, whatever happened or will happen between us, Jay, I'd never,” he emphasized the word, placing his hand against his heart to underline his words with a gesture, “betray your trust by spilling your secrets. I'll take your secrets to my grave,” Jensen swore.

Jared nodded, in understanding and thanks, before he spilled one of his own secrets. “Things with me and Gen are a little tough too, at the moment,” Jared admitted quietly, finally getting out of the car, stretching himself and walking a few steps, back and forth.

“What happened?” Jensen asked, following Jared, leaning his arms against Baby's frame. It felt like being back on set. Even their clothes reminded him of Sam and Dean’s; both of them wore very faded, old jeans, comfortable shoes, Jared a dark red button down and Jensen a dark blue tee.

“She's unhappy with her life, and I guess she blames me,” Jared explained, crossing his arms and placing them on Baby's roof, leaning against her, too. Quickly, Jared summarized how aware Genevieve was of the fact that she was nothing much without him, a mediocre actress at best, that the boys needed her less, now they were getting older, that all the blogging she did with the perfect photographs she posted were still fake in their unsophistication. “We had an argument a few weeks ago. I don't even know how it started, but it ended ugly, with glasses flying through the air on her side and her yelling like a lunatic. She didn't even listen to my arguments, Jen, she just flipped.” He drew a breath before saying, “Sometimes I'm not sure if I still love her.”

Jensen should jubilate, because for years, he sort of had hoped that Jared would see that she wasn't the right person for him, but he couldn't. Jared was far more attached to Genevieve than Jensen had ever been connected to Danneel and even for Jensen, the estrangement between himself and Danneel was hard to take. He could imagine how difficult it must be for Jared, seeing that he and his wife were drifting away. “I wish I could tell you what to do, Jay,” Jensen said, walking a few steps, sitting down on an withered wooden bench with Jared following him. “Our situations are different. I've never loved Dee like that. For me, it's not worth fighting for a marriage that has been fake from the beginning. I never was with Danneel.”

“Yeah, I know. It's not that I expected you to have a remedy, Jen. Besides, it already helped telling you. No one knows yet, not even Jeff. I actually hope the next few days with you will be eye-opening. That's also what I told Gen. That I need time to get my mind off things, but also think about it calmly.”

“That sounds like a good plan, man.” Jensen bumped Jared's shoulder, leaning back, closing his eyes and letting the sun shine down on him. He asked about the kids and Jared's folks, about mutual friends, hoping that he could help distract Jared just a little so that he wouldn't think about his marital problems constantly.

After a while they looked at each other, nodding once, a silent communication between them that they were ready to leave. It was Jensen's turn to drive now, and without really thinking about it, he drove to his parents, calling to ask if it was okay if they crashed in the guest rooms.

Donna Ackles was overwhelmed with joy about seeing her second born so unexpectedly. She knew about his problems with Jared, of course she did, and she welcomed not only Jensen, but also Jared with open arms. There were hugs and kisses, a barbecue with steaks Alan had bought only minutes after Jensen had called, salads, grilled vegetables, and bread as well as ice-cream for dessert. Good talks and good, heavy red wine. A fire in a fire pit in the Ackles' backyard that caressed their naked arms with warmth.

First Donna, then Alan went to bed, wishing them both a good night. Jared and Jensen stayed. Staring into the fire, they shared a comfortable silence, both lost in thoughts. Occasionally they looked up, smiling at each other slightly. It was a good sign that they could do this, that it wasn't awkward, but definitely a step in the right direction.

“We should go to bed, Jen,” Jared suggested. It was way past midnight and they wanted to leave early in the morning, to get some miles under Baby's wheels and still have time for sightseeing or a hike, depending on where they would be going.

“Go ahead, Jare. I'm not -, I don't think I can sleep yet.” He had shared his childhood bedroom with his best friend before, a dozen times at least. Tonight, he wouldn't. Tonight, Jared would sleep in Josh's old room, and while it was next door to Jensen's, it still hurt, not falling asleep next to Jared. He hadn't even suggested it. It was still clear that Jared wasn't ready for something as intimate yet, maybe never would be again.

“Um, okay, Jen.” He got up, flashed Jensen a little, unreadable smile, placing his hand on his shoulder briefly. “Night.”

“Night, Jay. Sleep well.” Jensen watched Jared walk over the tidy lawn, feeling very melancholic that things were still weird between them. After a minute or two, the light in Josh's room went on, and Jensen could see Jared standing at the window and opening it. He waved once, a little awkwardly, before drawing the curtains. Closing his eyes, Jensen went through Jared's night rituals. They were almost as familiar as his own. Opening the window, yet drawing the curtains, to avoid too many midgets from getting in. Not that it helped. Setting up the bed, stripping off his clothes and donning his nightwear. Walking into the bathroom, where he took a leak and brushed his teeth. Closing the window. Then he made himself comfortable on the bed, often on his stomach, the cover only covering his lower back, because Jared was a walking heating pad. Sighing, he'd look for the most comfortable spot on the mattress. It normally took Jared a while to fall asleep, because he was always on such a high, but once he did, it was a beautiful sight, his features absolutely relaxed, his lids fluttering and his fingers stroking or jerking unconsciously over the pillow.

Jensen smiled. Despite his melancholy, it was good to imagine what Jared would do. It made him feel as if he was with him. It calmed him down. Enough to put out the fire, to go back into the house, shutting all doors and windows on the first floor before getting a cooled bottle of water out of the fridge and heading upstairs into his old bedroom. Some things were still like they used to be; the wallpaper, the floor and carpet, the furniture. Jensen's personal childhood memorabilia were gone; at home in Austin or here in Richardson up in the loft. Nevertheless, he felt safe the moment he stepped into the room, like someone invisible wrapped him into a soft warm blanket that could protect him from everything. Performing his own nightly routines as quickly as possible, Jensen slipped beneath the covers only minutes later, falling asleep mere seconds after he had hit the pillow, dreaming that things between Jared and him would be fine again.

***

Jensen woke up, the scent of fried bacon, scrambled eggs and fresh coffee whiffing through the house and Jared's laughter sounding from downstairs. Yawning and stretching himself, Jensen smiled. It somehow felt very domestic, hearing Jared talking to his mom and for a couple of minutes, Jensen did nothing but listen, to the steady up and down of Jared's deep voice and the sounds his mom made in the kitchen. Only after a while did Jensen remember why they were here and he finally got up and headed to the bathroom he had shared with his brother. The air was steamy inside, the wet towels Jared had used hanging over a bar fixed to the wall, his toiletry bag on a small stool. Jensen used the toilet, brushed his teeth and then stepped into the slippery shower stall, the fragrance of Jared's shower gel tickling his nose. It felt weirdly intimate, and Jensen tried hard not to think about Jared's naked body, of his hands running up and down those muscled abs and ass, maybe even jerking himself off. Before Jensen jerked himself off, though, he put his mind on something very boring and non-sexual and it helped him to calm down.

Mere ten minutes later, Jensen joined his family and Jared at the breakfast table. His mother had gone all out, whipping up a breakfast worthy of a very exclusive B&B, with everything anyone could wish on their breakfast table. There was easy conversation as Jensen ate slowly but happily, bacon and eggs, fruit and berries, pancakes with maple syrup, bread with honey and jam. He washed everything down with the delicious coffee from the exquisite coffee maker he had given his parents last Christmas, and once in a while, he looked at Jared, who talked animatedly with his dad, hands flying through the air, saying almost as much as his quickly moving lips.

Jensen helped his mom clearing the table, hugging her spontaneously, thanking her for her hospitality. “I made you some sandwiches, some with egg, some with tuna and some with cream cheese and dried tomatoes,” she said, placing her hand in a very motherly gesture against Jensen's cheek. Smiling, he melted into the touch, kissing her cheek and hugging her again. “I can see that things are still a little off between you and Jared,” Donna noticed once she let go of her son, “but I also can see how much you love each other.”

Heat crept into Jensen's cheeks. “Oh honey, I've known for years and even if I hadn't known, I would have realized it after the prequel affair. It was abundantly clear. You were just too heartbroken. Alan doesn't know, and I think we'd rather keep it this way for the time being, but I love you, Jensen, no matter what. So, go and win back your boy's heart.”

Dumbstruck and baffled, Jensen didn't know what to say. Never had he imagined that his mother would be so cool about it. “Mom, I -”

“It's okay, honey. You gave me three wonderful grandkids, so you fulfilled your duty to the family.” She winked, placing her hand back against Jensen's cheek. “I just wish you would have enough faith to tell me, but,” she shrugged, “I don't blame you, I know we're very traditional in a lot of our beliefs. I wish you luck and happiness, and if this grown-up kid makes you happy, then you have my blessing.”

Tears were burning in his eyes, and he turned around and headed upstairs, wiping his eyes, feeling warm liquid. With a heavily beating heart, Jensen closed the door to his bedroom behind him, leaning against it, trying to catch his breath. He'd been in terror about coming out to his parents, one of the reasons why he had never really thought about it, and now, just like this, he learned that his mother really had known it for a while.

There was a knock at the door. “Jen? Are you okay?” Care oozed from Jared's voice. “You vanished so quickly.”

Quietly, Jensen opened the door. No more lies, no more secrets. Jared's face fell when he saw Jensen's tears. “Did you cry because of me?” Jared looked horrified.

It was creepy how well Jared still knew him. No one knew him better, apart from his mom, obviously. “Yes and no, Jay.” Quickly, Jensen explained what had happened in the kitchen, changing the story enough so that Jared wouldn't jump to any conclusions. He'd tell him on the last day, not now. If Jared reacted badly, he wanted to have this trip to remember the best friendship he had ever had.

“Oh Jen,” Jared exhaled, stepping closer and curling his arms around his friend, pulling him against his chest. “That's wonderful news, I mean, at least the part that your mom somehow knew about you being gay. Not the part about crying for me.” He held Jensen a little tighter. “I never -” He bit his lips. “I don't know what to say.”

“There's nothing you need to say, Jay. We're both hurting because of it and it will take time until I regain your faith. I know that. Don't worry about it,” Jensen acknowledged as he noticed Jared's forehead knitted together.

“Okay.” Jared sounded a little unsure, yet let go of Jensen. “I promise I'll try everything to get us back there.”

Not doubting it, Jensen smiled gratefully. “And I'll do my share, Jay,” Jensen promised. “Now, how about we hit the road?”

Jared nodded in agreement and left to get his things from the bathroom and guest room. Jensen's own belongings were packed quickly and he went downstairs, talking to his parents and hugging them goodbye. His mom told Jensen how much she loved him and how proud she was and it had never sounded sweeter and more caring before.

***

They headed east, passed the border to Arkansas and stopped at the Hot Springs National Park. The natural pools with steaming water and the waterfalls looked almost like from another world, and Jared deadpanned that they must be close to hell, Jensen shooting back that he should feel happy here, having been Lucifer's vessel. They sometimes did nerdy things like that; it was their way to remember their past and the characters that were still a part of them and always would be. They stayed a couple of hours, had an early dinner and continued their journey east.

“'m sorry that things between us are still weird,” Jared stated just like that after a longer period of silence between the two friends. “I wish I could just forget it, you know. Brush it away like a nasty fly. But I-'' Jared shrugged, searching for the right words, biting his lips. “Maybe I love you just too much, Jen.” He blushed adorably. The confession caused a very weird feeling inside Jensen, a mixture of happiness spiced with sadness and melancholy. “I mean, if it had been Chad, I wouldn't have thought about it much longer, but it was you.” He took a sip of his water, looking out of the window, the darkness slowly creeping over the land. “I understand the ‘keeping things away from you’ thing”, he used his fingers to make quotation marks, “I really do. I've been thinking about it, and of course there are things I've never told you. But this was important, I guess. In a way, Jen, we both are still Sam and Dean. It's our parents' story. You should have told me.”

The tingly sensation faded away, leaving a feeling of emptiness inside. Jensen wondered how he could ever make it right, realizing in the same moment that he couldn't. It had happened. “I can't undo it, Jare,” Jensen confessed. “I can only make it better by keeping you up to date with my life and sharing it with you.”

“I can see you trying, Jen,” Jared acknowledged. “And I'm deeply grateful for it. For you trying so much. It's proof that I still matter, you know. Because, when it happened, I thought I didn't matter anymore.”

The accusation cut like a knife and Jensen took in a sharp breath. Suddenly, he felt slightly dizzy and nauseous and he indicated before he stopped the car on the shoulder. Jared had made him feel the same, too, but that didn't lessen Jensen's guilt and made what he had done any better or more bearable. “You matter, Jay.” He looked at his friend, taking his hands and wrapping them into his own. “I never -” Jensen caged his upper lip between his teeth. “You matter.”

“I know that now.” Jared turned his hands, twining his fingers with Jensen's briefly and squeezing gently. “And I promise, I won't bring it up again. The prequel drama. I really don't want to live in the past anymore, Jen, at least not in the rough times. If I live in the past, I want to remember the good things.”

“Yeah,” Jensen agreed, letting go of Jared's hands and driving back on the almost empty road. The pavement rushed beneath Baby's wheels and they talked, remembering the many highs and not the one low of their friendship. Soon, laughter chased the gloominess away and Jensen felt lighter again. Hopeful and positive, like he hadn't felt for a while.

It grew darker and darker, until the trees on the side of the road were nothing but deep gray shadows merging into an even darker background. Feeling tiredness creeping over him, Jensen couldn't repress a yawn and he was thankful when Jared suggested to call it a day. He pulled out his cell, knowing exactly where they were thanks to GPS and googled the closest motels. Switching on the route planner, a female voice guided them the last couple of miles until Jensen stopped the Impala in front of a moderate looking accommodation.

“I'll get the keys,” Jared announced, took his wallet and got out of the car.

Jensen tried for a neutral face, not showing that he was disappointed. A year ago, when they had headed home to Texas, they had shared their room, even their bed. But a year ago, they had been good. Now, everything had changed. He watched Jared walking towards the reception building, tall, lean and muscled, attractive, simply impressive, a dark silhouette in the insufficient lightning. Sighing heavily, Jensen got out his bag he had filled with a set of fresh clothes this morning, doing the same for Jared and meeting him halfway. Keys dangling from his index finger, Jared swapped the key with his duffle bag.

“Good night, Jen,” Jared said, putting one arm around him and hugging him briefly. “I know you'd rather stay in one room, because part of me would love that, too but -”

“I understand, Jare. You're not ready yet.” He returned the gentle hug. “Dream something good, Jay. See you tomorrow.” He headed towards his door, noticing that Jared had the room next to his. The knowledge that there was just a thin wall between them was strangely calming.

6

It was Jared's idea to play a little, silly game, sharing things the other didn't know, mainly from their childhood. It was not only fun, but granted the other a new insight into their friend, learning titbits that weren't necessarily important, but rounded off the picture they had of each other, or confirmed things they'd always guessed. Jared learned that Jensen had his tonsils removed at the age of five, because he had been prone to horribly painful sore throats as a toddler and young kid. Ever since, he was scared of hospitals in general. He told him about summer vacations and camps, about breaking his ankle and being teased about his modeling. In return, Jared shared his own stories about bone fractures, almost drowning in a lake after his brother had shoved him off the family rubber boat and almost burning down the family cabin in Upstate New York. “Why didn't I know anything about that cabin, Jay? We could have spent hiatuses with the kids there.” He couldn't believe that Jared had kept that cabin away from him and a picture flashed through his eyes, of him and Jared in that cabin, the fire cracking softly, snuggled together on the couch, legs entangled and hands twined. Of course, it would never happen like that, but it was still a nice image that made him smile.

“Honestly, I never thought about it. My uncle has the keys, I think he and my cousins use it quite often. Do you want to go?” Jared asked, looking at Jensen quickly, a hint of excitement in his voice. “Not now, of course, we wouldn't make it, but next year? There's a lake, the one in which I nearly drowned and -”

“You had me with cabin, Jay,” Jensen cut in, happy that Jared had offered it. It was a good sign. All of these were good signs. And maybe, part of this picture could come true. At least, them together on the sofa, in companionable togetherness, not as partners, but as the friends they had been a year ago.

Jared flashed him a broad smile. “Once we're back, we'll check our schedules and I'll talk to my uncle. 'm sure it's not a problem.”

Silence stretched between them, just for a couple of minutes and Jensen watched Jared, who was driving right now, his profile, how his fingers tapped over the steering wheel, how he hummed to the country song on the radio. Eventually, Jared took his left hand off the wheel, scratching his neck, throwing a quick look at Jensen. “Can I ask you something, Jen?”

“You already did,” Jensen bantered, but he looked at his friend invitingly. “Fire way. You can ask me anything. Don't be shy.”

“I've been wondering how you found out that you're gay. What was it like for you? About your first kiss and um, first time. You mentioned wild days. Want to tell me about them?”

Maybe it would be good to share this part of himself with Jared, Jensen thought. Perhaps it would help them both. Jensen had never really talked about it before. Danneel knew parts of it, just like Jason, but no one knew everything. “It's a long story, Jare,” Jensen warned his friend. “And um, you might be shocked.”

“We've got time, Jen,” Jared shot back, pointing quickly at the road before them. “And nothing really can shock me. So fire away.”

Jensen told this part of his story, starting with a scared teenage boy who had noticed that he was different, who had fought himself, and more secrets were revealed. “When I finally admitted to myself that I was gay, my world came crashing down, Jare. For a while, I honestly thought about ending my life. I thought it was better for everyone involved.”

Jared swallowed, not only because of his own story, looking at Jensen quickly, his face a mask of horror and pain. “Gosh Jen.” He took his right hand off the wheel, placing it on Jensen's thigh, rubbing it a few times. ”What happened?”

“I called an anonymous helpline. I was home alone, and I had taken a knife and my mom's sleeping pills, and I looked at the blade and the small flask filled with pills and my heart was pounding and I wanted to do it so badly, but I also wanted to live so badly.” Jensen swallowed hard, his hands trembling, just like then, the memories suddenly overpowering him. He could still feel the knife and pills in his hand, the nausea in his belly, the hot tears on his face, the fear of dying, but also of living.

“Do you want me to -”

“No, Jay, please no, keep on driving.” If he felt Jared's arms wrapping him in now, he would spill everything, and he couldn't, not yet.

Jared did what he was told, but he took his hand off the wheel again, placing it above Jensen's that were holding each other, squeezing fondly. “The woman on the other side of the line was very kind, Jay, and she talked me through it. It was enough to put the knife and the pills away and she pointed me to another helpline, where I just could talk. Which I did, maybe once a week for half a year. Eventually, I was better and I accepted who I was, yet for a while, I didn't act on it. I couldn't run around high school looking for a boyfriend. It was unthinkable. I only did that when I went to LA.” Jensen took a mouthful of his water, handing Jared his own bottle. He drew a breath before he continued with his story. “My wild days began.” Jensen threw Jared a lopsided smile. It was nothing he was proud of. “I had sex with pretty much everyone who seemed willing. Hand job, blow jobs, rough fucks. Everywhere. Alleys, dirty toilets, back or front seats of cars, park banks, kitchen floors, pools. Often unprotected.” Jared gasped in shock. Not that Jensen blamed him. It had been irresponsible and dangerous, but for months, he had simply ignored the fear of catching something nasty. Only when a friend had been diagnosed with HIV, had Jensen realized that he was playing with his health and life. Getting himself tested and waiting for the result had been nerve-wrecking, the fear numbing him. “I knew it was dangerous, but I didn't really care. I had partners, but it wasn't love. It was never about love, only about getting laid and being saturated. When I moved to Vancouver, I had someone for a longer time. I ended it when Supernatural was picked up.” He still remembered the decision-making. His gorgeous new co-star had been one of the reasons that Jensen had ended this relationship that had been a bit of friendship and a lot of sex.

“Why? Don't you think -”

“No, I never thought it could be something more, Jare. Besides, I met you, we had that connection, right from the start and I think I didn't want to soil you, you know? The show was something great and -” Jensen shrugged. He had to be careful now, and didn't want to give too much away, in case Jared smelled the rat. “Are you shocked now, Jay?”

“Maybe a little? But um, I wasn't exactly a choirboy, either. I um -,” He took in a breath, releasing it carefully. “It might be the right moment to tell you that I also had my share of experiences with men.”

The words stood between the friends, and slowly, Jensen's mind processed the information until he understood that Jared had just come out to him. “You're bi?” He looked at Jared as if he had suddenly grown a second head and two more arms.

“Yeah, I guess I am, but um -” Jared shook his head. “I've never really talked about it. No one really knows, apart from the guys I fucked. Not even Gen. Not Jeff or Meg. I was too much a coward to act on it, Jensen. I haven't acted on it for almost two decades. Too much was at stake and yeah, it was far easier, dating Sandy and marrying Gen, than dating a handsome guy.”

“Wow,” Jensen breathed out. “'m dumbstruck, Jay. I um, this is not weird for you, is it? I mean, us. Me, being gay and you being bi. I um, shit.” Panic bubbled inside Jensen. He knew what Jared had said when he had come out, had noticed that he hasn't treated him differently since, but still, he had to address it, just couldn't ignore the fact that Jared, who he had believed to be as straight as his father, was suddenly bi. It of course changed things. It made Jensen dizzy and nauseous, caused excitement and hope while at the same time, he felt pain. He'd never have Jared like that. Bi, gay or straight, he was married to Genevieve, and in spite of what Jared had said about their marriage, Jensen was sure, Jared would never leave his wife, least of all for a gay relationship with his ex co-star and former best friend.

“Is it weird for you, Jensen?” Jared returned the question without answering it, throwing Jensen a quick look, his brows lifted. His fingers, Jensen noticed, played nervously with the steering wheel.

“No, I guess not. It's still us, you know. Jared and Jensen. I've always been gay and you've always been bi. It doesn't change much. It doesn't matter.” It was not the whole truth. Of course it mattered, but in a way he couldn't tell Jared just yet.

“It isn't weird for me, either. We're good, Jen.” Sometime later, Jared added, “This was a good talk. It's curious, because I always thought I knew you so well, but there are still so many things I don't know about you and vice versa. Sharing this makes me feel closer to you.”

It made Jensen smile. It was good that they still could say these things. “Yeah, me too, Jay.”

Silence settled between them, comfortable and easy, until they reached Nashville. They checked into a really nice hotel and went out for the night. First to a good steak restaurant, then to a bar with live music. People recognized them as Sam and Dean, but more as Walker and Soldier Boy, and they smiled into cameras and signed whatever their fans asked them to sign.

They both drank a bit too much, but it somehow helped. More parts of the wall between them tumbled down. Jared touched Jensen a lot. A hand on his back, wrist or upper arm, fingers stroking over his neck, Jared's body melting into his, not only into his side, but also into his back. It sent very pleasant shivers through Jensen's body that didn't have anything to do with the tingly feeling the whiskey caused.

Eventually, they stumbled out of the bar and back to their hotel, babbling and laughing, even singing, their arms wrapped around each other to steady themselves. Giggling, they leaned against the wall of the elevator, breathing hard. This time, their rooms weren't next to each other, they were not even on the same floor. “That's mine, Jare,” Jensen announced when the lift stopped on the sixth floor. “Thanks for, you know, today. Tonight.”

Jensen stepped out of the elevator, suddenly feeling a warm hand curling around his arm.

“Wait.” Jared pouted. He looked adorable, his face flushed, smiling goofily. “You can't go without hugging me goodnight, man.”

Suddenly, a lump constricted Jensen's throat. “Course not.” Throwing his arms around Jared, he hugged him close. “Night, Jare.”

“Night Jen.” It must be the alcohol, because it was not a normal hug. Jared cuddled him. Full on. He cradled Jensen in his arms, buried his head in Jensen's neck, taking in deep breaths of Jensen, caressing Jensen's skin, causing goosebumps instantly. “I know it's complicated,” Jared hiccuped, “but I love you so much, dude.”

He just couldn't let go without telling Jared himself. Drunken or not, it was the truth. “Love you, too, Jare.” He kissed a random spot on Jared's neck. “Get some sleep.”

“Love you more, Jen,” Jared declared, stepping back into the elevator. His eyes looked glassy, but Jensen was sure it was the alcohol. Yet, his body felt heavy and tired as he stumbled into his room, and despite feeling worn out, it took him a while till he fell asleep, being hunted by dreams of his past.

***

Both looked more exhausted in the morning than last night, groaning softly when they met in the breakfast room at 10 am. “God Jen,” Jared whined. “I'll never drink alcohol again.”

Jensen chuckled. “Yeah, sure.” Just like that, between greasy bacon, scrambled eggs and buttered toast, Jensen told Jared about Jack, his only friend in Toronto. “Not talking about Jack Quaid here.”

Jared was very quiet as he listened to Jensen, but Jensen could see how stirred Jared was, in the way he nervously played with his cutlery or coffee mug, how he bit his lip or how often he blinked. “I was a horrible friend,” Jared pressed out. “I still am. All I see is my own misery because of the prequel affair and you -” Jared sniffed.

“'m okay, Jared.” Jensen cupped Jared's hand, not minding that they were in a public breakfast room, filled with at least a dozen of other hotel guests. “Or as okay as I can be. I noticed what the booze did to me, and I poured it away and didn't buy new one. I'm more careful now. Even yesterday I had far less than you. I don't want to be another loser actor who needs to go to rehab because of alcohol usage.” He couldn't do that, neither to himself or his kids, nor to his family. His mom would be so worried and disappointed and he was stronger than that. It was not the solution to his problems, only caused more problems and Jensen wouldn't give in to an addiction. He wouldn't let it happen.

“You're no loser, Jen.” Jared turned his hand beneath Jensen's, moving his thumb over Jensen's fingers softly, caressing the dry skin. “Never think that.”

They finished their breakfast in silence, but both weren't really hungry anymore and without any words needed, they got up and headed to their rooms, meeting in the hotel lobby less than fifteen minutes later to check out and continue their trip. Jensen did the driving, because he was less hungover than Jared, who for once neither shared secrets nor asked Jensen to share his, but dozed away, snoring softly once in a while, his fingers jerking, his nose or brow furrowed. It looked gorgeous. Jared was simply gorgeous. He had aged well, looked weathered, his skin tanned, not an ounce of fat on his ribs, just muscles and sinews.

After two hours, Jensen stopped for gas and a pee break, got himself a fresh mug of coffee and some sandwiches for a late lunch, but he let Jared sleep. When he came back, Jared was up, leaning against Baby's hood, his fingers hooked around the belt-loops of his jeans, looking weirdly distressed in spite of his cool attitude. “I thought you were gone, Jen,” he admitted. “I woke up and you were gone and I thought you had left.”

Jensen put the sandwiches and paper mug on the Impala's roof. “Where is this coming from, Jay?” He placed his hand against Jared's heart, rubbing the spot gently. “I would never leave you.”

Jared released a shaky breath. “Maybe something I dreamed about, without remembering it. Maybe because of what you told me yesterday.”

Jensen stepped even closer, curling his left arm around Jared and drawing him close. “'m not suicidal. I was seventeen back then and nowadays, I'm very content with who I am, Jare. At least with my sexuality. It's not perfect but it's okay. I won't lie to you, this year was very very rough, but just like you, I fight.” Jared's arms sneaked around Jensen, his fingers burying into Jensen's back. It almost hurt, but it was a good feeling, a feeling to be needed and a feeling to be loved. There was nothing better in the world than Jared Padalecki being wrapped around you.

“We're gonna be fine,” both promised simultaneously, as if reading each other's mind.

Smiling, Jensen let go. He watched Jared leave, heading to the bathroom and shop as well and returning with his own coffee and some candy. “We should go to the National Park,” Jared suggested. “It's not even two hours away.”

“Great minds think alike,” Jensen answered. He had checked the map of the area he had seen in the small shop and had wanted to suggest the same to Jared instantly. It sounded like a good place to be, fresh air, nature, quietness. “We should stay there for a little longer.”

“Absolutely.” Jared pulled out his cell while Jensen started the car again, checking the National Park site for lodgings.

“Okay, so the only lodging in the park is some cabin up on a mountain, and you got to hike up there. I think I'd rather book us something close by the park then.” Jared chuckled, typing into his cell. From the corner of his eyes, Jensen watched Jared swabbing his finger over his cell, his brow furrowed, his posture a little hunched and the tip of his tongue sticking out. “Done,” he announced happily after a few minutes. “Found us a nice cabin. Booked it for three nights. Gives us enough time to explore the park and um, calm down, you know.”

Jensen understood what Jared wanted to say. “So, um, that cabin -”

“Is small, Jen. Bathroom, living space with kitchenette, bedroom with two queens. It's okay. 'm ready.”

It made Jensen very warm inside. Jared was ready to really let him into his life again.

***

The cabin looked very rustic from the outside but was surprisingly modern inside. Hardwood floor in living-room and bedroom, a cozy couch and a flat screen TV, a kitchen counter with four bar stools and a small dining table. Best was the real fireplace in the wall between living-room and bedroom, giving warmth to both rooms. The air inside was as cool as outside, and Jared lit the fire while Jensen stored the groceries they had bought earlier. Not much and nothing special, just some drinks, bread and fillings for sandwiches. “It's very nice here, Jare,” Jensen acknowledged, looking at the wooden walls, pictures from the area adorning them, the curtains, matching rug and cushions, everything spotlessly clean and well-kept. “You chose well.”

“It had the best ratings, so I took it,” Jared admitted, sitting down in front of the fire where Jensen joined him once he was done with his task. It was nice, watching the small flames devouring the dry wood, listening to the noise of the fire and feeling its warmth once he moved his hands a little closer. Just like that, Jared slipped his arm around Jensen and leaned his head against his shoulder. Jensen's heart skipped a bit, and another one, before it resumed its job, yet pounding very excitedly. It was such a simple gesture. Jared had done it countless times before, but never had it meant so much than right now. Placing his free hand on Jensen's abs, Jared rubbed it softly. Gosh, how much Jensen missed this closeness to Jared. The feeling to let go and to know that Jared was there to catch him. The respect and love and care. Tears burned in his eyes and blurred his sight. It was tears of happiness but he still didn't want to cry. He had cried far too often recently. Closing his eyes, he brought his own arm around Jared, tugging him a little closer, placing his free hand above Jared's. He stopped the mesmerizing movements, and Jensen missed the soft bellyrubs at once, yet was compensated when Jared laced his fingers with Jensen's. They were holding hands, not just briefly, but really, like a couple. The air between them sparkled, was light and heavy at the same time, pregnant with meaning and expectation. Neither of them talked, neither of them moved, they just held the other, aware of how special this moment between them was.

Minutes passed. “Want to know another secret?” Jared asked. His face was so close that Jensen could feel Jared's breath ghosting over his skin. It sent a shiver down his spine and let Jensen's heart tumble.

His throat suddenly very dry, Jensen swallowed hard. “Absolutely.”

“I love my kids. Unconditionally. But you, Jen, are my favorite person. I'm miserable without you. This here, you and me, together, yin and yang or whatever we are, this is the real deal. This is good. This is how it's supposed to be. I'll never push you away again.”

Warmth filled Jensen and he closed his eyes briefly, just taking in the wonderful feeling of being so close to Jared, not only their bodies touching, but also their souls. This was so special. “Are we good? You don't hate me any longer?”

“I never hated you,” Jared explained. “I was upset and hurting, because I love you far too much, Jen. But I'm not upset. I still wish you'd have handled it differently, but I don't want to waste any more time with being upset or disappointed or wondering and doubting something that is so good. So yeah, we're good.” He gently disentangled his fingers from Jensen's, cupping Jensen's cheek. “No need to cry, Ackles.” Jared kissed the corner of Jensen's mouth, moving his thumb gently over Jensen's cheek, sending tingly waves through his body as something healed inside Jensen.

“You're crying yourself, Padalecki,” Jensen commented, his voice oozing with affection as he brushed a tear from Jared's cheek, smiling in happiness, despite his tears.

“Yeah well, we're both girls sometimes, I think,” Jared deadpanned, enveloping Jensen in his arms.

They'd shared hundreds and hundreds of hugs, for all kinds of reasons, as a hello and goodbye, to share pain and joy, when they had been vulnerable, drunk, sad and unbelievably happy. Yet, it had never felt like this before. It felt like safety and reassurance, like friendship and love, like a cure.

Jensen's stomach growled and just like that, the meaningful moment was gone. “Someone's hungry I guess.” Jared chuckled, placing his hand on Jensen's belly again, patting it gently. “Let's get you fed.”

The cabins were almost half a mile outside of the closest small town, but they gave Baby her well deserved rest and walked down the deserted street until they finally had reached main street. Once again, Jared had asked Google, and they headed towards a small Italian restaurant, where the scent of pizza, pasta and fresh herbs enveloped them the moment they stepped through the door. There was candlelight and soft music, and it looked somehow romantic.

“No wine for me,” Jensen said, ordering a coke with ice instead, and Jared closed the wine card instantly. “You don't -”

“Course I do. Besides, we don't need booze to have fun, Jen.”

It had never been truer. They had pasta, fish and meat, a Tiramisu as dessert and even once they were long done with their meal, they were sitting together, chatting amicably until the restaurant closed at 11.30 pm. It was ice-cold when they stepped out of the restaurant, frosty, only a few degrees above freezing point, a million stars sparkling on the canopy.

“That's amazing,” Jensen admired, looking up to the sky, yet not lingering, because it was too cold.

They walked quickly, ignoring the cold that seeped from the ground into their sneakers and the chill that crept through the thin jackets they wore. “I can't believe how cold it is,” Jared said, jittering, rubbing his hand and blowing warm air into his palm.

“Winter is coming,” Jensen said matter of factly, yet stopping Jared, rubbing warmth into his upper arms and hands, their fingers gently dancing with each other. “Let's run, Jay. It will help get us warm.”

They didn't wear proper shoes for real running, so they fell into an easy jog, like when they had run the marathon together, and just like then, Jared took Jensen's hand. Not briefly, but for the whole distance, until they finally reached the cabin, Jensen breathing a little harsher, because he wasn't trained as well as Jared.

“It's not really warm in here, too,” Jensen commented with clattering teeth as he unlocked the door and stepped into the living space. There were two radiators, one in the living room and one in the bedroom, and he turned them on, even before he got out of his clothes, just as Jared relit the fire. It was even colder in the bathroom, and he only stayed there long enough to brush his teeth and wash his hands, before he changed into his pajamas in the bedroom, not minding that Jared was in the same room. There was simply nothing Jared hadn't seen before. He slipped underneath the cover that seemed a little too thin for the cold temperature as Jared vanished into the bathroom and was still shivering when his friend came back.

Expression unreadable, Jared looked at Jensen for a moment. Then a little smile ghosted over his lips and he took the cover from his own bed. “Scoot over,” he prompted, spreading the second blanket over Jensen and slipping into his bed. “Now come here, you icicle.” Jared wrapped an arm around Jensen. “That um, never happened.”

“Just like earlier?” Jensen asked as he snuggled as close as he could.

“What are you talking about?” Jared was already in full denial.

“Doofus,” Jensen scolded Jared gently. “This here is the best of you, Jare. The best of us. Just us. It's okay it's happening.” He turned off the dim light that was fixed on the wall. It was quiet apart from the soft hum of the radiator and the crackling of the fire that was burning happily, after Jared had fed it generously. “It happened before. Or is it weird for you, now you know I'm gay?” Suddenly, Jensen felt a little self-conscious.

“Gosh no,” Jared whispered. “Never think that. I just thought about what Gen would say, or our folks, kids, siblings. Our fans, if they saw us full on cuddling in a bed as small as this one”

“Some of our fans would freak out.” Jensen chuckled as he imagined the uproar it would cause, if Jared or he posted a photo of them, cuddled together in a bed and sharing a blanket. “They wouldn't stop drooling and yelling, Jare.”

“And you? Aren't you freaking out?” With an unbelievably gentleness, Jared moved his hand through Jensen's hair, his eyes closed and his expression unreadable in the darkness of the room.

It far from freaked him out, but made his heart tumble in joy. He hadn't believed it to be possible to get Jared back like this. “No, Jay. I finally have my best friend back. Nothing to freak out over. Just something that makes me tremendously happy.”

Jared's hand started to move up and down Jensen's back. “I'm also tremendously happy, Jen.” He sighed contentedly, as if he wanted to underline his words, before pressing his lips against Jensen's forehead. Jared could actually feel Jensen's love for him and it was one of the best feelings ever. “Are you warm now?”

“All warm.” And fuzzy, but Jensen didn't dare to say it. He felt like slowly melting into a puddle of goo. The way Jared held him, caressed his skin and made sure that he was warm and safe was heavenly.

“Good. Then let's sleep, Jen.” He didn't let go of Jensen, but cuddled him, as if he was a breathing, living teddy-bear. “Sleep safe and sound.”

Jensen didn't want to. He wanted to stay awake, to take everything in and lock in his heart what was happening between them right now, but the exhaustion of the day, Jared's warmth and his uncoordinated caresses on his back slowly lured Jensen to the world of dreaming, even before he could wish Jared a good night, too.

7

Two days passed. The days were cool but sunny, the air fresh, the leaves golden, rustling beneath the heavy hiking boots Jared and Jensen had bought as they hiked along narrow paths. Sometimes they didn't talk for hours, only sharing small smiles and touches, sometimes they talked about random things, spilling more secrets. How Jared had to be hospitalized because of alcohol poisoning after a Halloween party when he was sixteen, or how Jensen had stolen money from his mom's wallet. “I still haven't confessed, and I really can't, because I know she'd be horribly disappointed. Don't say I was a kid, Jare.” Jensen shook his head. “I was eleven years old. I knew it was wrong, yet I did it.” Just the thought about telling Donna made his stomach churn. He would take this secret to the grave, hoping that whoever judged about things like that when your time was up also saw all the good Jensen had done in his life.

“I stole too. More than once,” Jared confessed, looking guilty, his hands buried in the pockets of his warm outdoor jacket as he made his way along the stony narrow path. “Small things from shops. I think most kids do, just as a dare but of course, that doesn't make it better.”

“We have quite a high criminal potential, Jare,” Jensen stated, grinning. Not that it was fun. They had damaged people, who had been working hard for their money but somehow, it was still curious to find out that Jared had been a multiple shoplifter. “I - “

“I prostituted myself, Jen.” It had only been a whisper, yet Jensen had heard it quite well and his heart stopped beating in shock at this revelation. Jensen stopped, turning around because Jared was walking a few steps behind him, and stared at his friend. He didn't look at Jensen, but at his boots. “For Gilmore Girls.”

“Gosh, Jare.” Jensen turned around, stepping closer, unsure whether touching was allowed. In the end, he offered his hand. Jared looked at it as if it was alien.

“How can you still want to touch me?”

How could he not? Jared was his everything and while it was massive news, it didn't change anything between them. It didn't make Jensen love Jared less. “Jare, we both know that you weren't the first nor the last. What happened?”

Quietly, Jared told his story, still not looking or taking the offered hand, his fingers playing nervously with the bands of his rucksack. It was pretty much cliché, the casting director, an old sleazebag, demanding a little favor in return for his own favor. “I knew what he wanted, Jen. I wish I could say that he took me by surprise but I knew the moment he touched me with his disgusting sweaty thick fingers. So I went down on my knees and -”

“Stop it. No need to get into any details, unless you want to share them with me, Jay.” He hated that Jared had to go through this and that he was reliving it now and even more so, he hated what it had done to his friend and the feelings it had caused, probably still caused, whenever Jared remembered it.

Jared released a shaky, relieved breath. “'m not proud that I did it, Jen, but I don't regret it. Without Gilmore Girls I'm a hundred percent sure that we never would have met. So, it was good for something.”

Jensen's chest tightened and he wanted to hug Jared so badly, but he could read in his posture that he didn't want to be touched right now. “I still wish you didn't have to go through it, Jare. And um, in case you're wondering. No, it never happened with me, but it could have. And no, I don't think any less of you. Any other bombs to drop? Any skeletons in the basement?”

It made Jared chuckle and finally, he dared to lock his eyes with Jensen's again. “No, I don't think so. You?”

“I hot-wired a car when I was eight, with my brother. Our neighbor's car. They were in Europe, and Josh and I were so bored. We never thought it would work. Once the engine roared, we panicked and ran. They never found out it was us, thought it was a burglary gone wrong. But nothing else.” Nothing, apart from the tiny fact of being in love with Jared, which was a very significant skeleton in Jensen's closet yet not a crime.

“I think that's enough, you rascal. But it's what kids do. No matter how much attention you give to your kids, how much you love them and how much time you make for them, it's never enough.” He started to share some stories about his boys, how Tom especially got a little complicated, moody and bossy, simply pre-puberty. “I'm scared what might happen, Jen. I mean, he's smart, he knows that things are a little off with Gen and me and gosh, I'm scared that he starts doing drugs or sleeping around with girls and gets them pregnant in three or four years when things with Gen are getting real rough and there is a divorce. I'm not really sure how I can protect him.”

“You can't, Jared,” Jensen commented matter of factly yet understanding Jared's fear. If he could, he would lock up his kids in their mansion and only let them out when they were twenty, the fear that something happened to them, especially to his girls, a steady companion. “Our kids have to grow up and they have to make mistakes. You can only guide him and counsel him. Be a good, fair dad. Show him that he is welcome in your life, that you have time, that he is more important than the job and that he has your love, even if things with you and Gen go down. Call him,” Jensen prompted. It was good to be spontaneous, and to call family or friends, just to hear their voices and share each other's life.

“Now?”

“Sure, why not?” Jensen pulled out his cell. “Enough bars. I'll call my kids.” He dialed Danneel's number just as he saw that Jared got his own cell, shaking his head yet smiling.

They both talked to their kids and showed them the surroundings, the stunning colors of Indian summer, waving at the screens, sending kisses and virtual hugs. “I think on a scale from zero to ten, we at least get a six for being dads, Jare,” Jensen stated once he had disconnected the call, feeling very happy and content. His kids did that to him.

“What do we get?” Jared asked curiously, looking at Jensen all open. “What score do Jared and Jensen get for their friendship?”

Jensen looked at Jared, not answering the question for a bit, thinking about it genuinely. “We're very close physically.” He didn't have this physical closeness with any other of his friends. Holding Steve's or Jason's hand or cuddling with them? Simply unthinkable. But with Jared, it came as normal as breathing. “That's a ten. We just confided a lot of really personal things to each other. We talk. Prequel gate taught us to be better friends, I guess.” It wasn't perfect, but thinking about it, it was far more than Jensen had with most of his other good friends, too. “That's a seven, maybe even an eight. You gave me a chance after I screwed up, and we love each other, that's definitely a high score. We love to spend time together.” Back when they had been shooting Supernatural, they really had been joined at the hip. Even after they had gotten married, even with the cast getting bigger, in the end, it had always been Jared and Jensen, seeking each other out, spending time. They had shared their lives, like an old-married couple. “I think, all in all, our friendship deserves at least an eight or nine. Agreed?”

Jared smiled. “Agreed.” Warm arms wrapped Jensen in. “This hug definitely gets an eleven,” he chuckled, cuddling the life out of Jensen. “It's good to have you back in my life. I missed you.”

Jensen didn't say it back, but he held Jared as tight as possible, knowing that Jared knew it anyways.

***

The cabin was much warmer now than on their first night, because the heating was also running during the day, but Jared nevertheless had shared the bed with Jensen the last night, too. Tonight, though, he hesitated, standing between the two narrow beds, moving a little back and forth. “You coming?” Jensen reached out his hand. It might have looked seducing, had he not been so tired.

“Yeah, I just – I wasn't sure if you still would want it, after I told you about um -” His cheeks turned a pink shade and he looked almost as broken as earlier, when he had spilled the beans.

Jensen's heart was breaking for his friend and for the insecurity Jared felt, for this very self-conscious version of his best friend. “I don't really understand what you went through, Jay, and how it made you feel, back then, and talking about it today, but nothing has changed. Please. I can't possibly let you sleep alone today. Don't do this to you, don't punish yourself. Come to bed with me.” Jensen lifted the covers, and after a few more moments of hesitation, Jared came closer, joining Jensen on the mattress. Tugging the covers around Jared, Jensen made sure that he was warm, before snuggling against him.

“Are you cuddling, Jen?” Jared asked in surprise. It often had been him who initiated endearments between the two friends, Jensen often being too coy and most of all, too scared that Jared might find out about his own feelings. Not today. Today, only Jared counted. Today, it was important to show Jared how much he was loved and that nothing had changed between them.

“Indeed I am. We honor the Vegas principle, you know?” Jared chuckled and Jensen pressed a gentle little kiss against Jared's hairline while stroking his fingers over the soft skin of his neck, feeling the fine hair and the heat that radiated from Jared's body. Jared was always so warm. “Besides you're very warm and really nice to cuddle with.” He buried his head in Jared's shoulder, unbelievably grateful that Jared allowed it, that they were back to this physical closeness, to two hearts beating as one.

Jared snorted, but he returned the gentle caresses and slowly, Jensen glided in and out of consciousness, until he finally fell asleep, Jared still warm and safe in his arms.

***

They got up very early the next morning and continued their trip east. They didn't talk much, only stopped for feeding Baby and themselves or for quick breaks until they reached the coast. Most hotels and B&Bs were closed for the season, but they found a small B&B that was still open and got a room with a king bed, not even talking about the sleeping arrangement. They just fell asleep, arms entangled and legs entwined as if it was the most natural thing in the world. In spite of what had happened – or maybe because of it – they had found a new closeness, and it made Jensen happy. He was sure, Jared would never love him like he loved Jared, but maybe, if he was lucky, Jared wouldn't push him away once he knew Jensen's biggest secret.

The coast was wonderful. That late in the season, it was too cool for swimming, but they went for long walks along the beach, the sun shining down on them and the breeze kissing their faces. They had fresh seafood and shared more secrets. Not as heavy ones as stealing and prostitution, but about good times and bad times. “Worst day of your life?” Jared prompted. They were sitting in the sand, their feet naked, the sun shining down on them.

“When my gran died.” Jensen had been very close to his grandma. “It beat the day you married Gen.” It just slipped out of his mouth and the moment it happened, Jensen's heart skipped a beat. He knew he shouldn't have said this. Some secrets rather stayed untold.

Jared took in a shocked breath. “I didn't have a clue that you hated her so much.” His expression was unreadable and his voice was a mere whisper. “Us. I don't know what to say.”

Hugging his legs closer to the chest and burying his feet in the cold sand, Jensen felt the hole inside he had felt when Jared and Genevieve had tied the knot. “'m just being honest here, Jare.” He chanced a quick look at his best friend. “You know I never warmed up to her. I tried, because of you and our friendship, but when you got married, it was the worst day of my life so far, for several reasons. I know it's selfish. I wanted to be so happy for you, and I saw you glowing, but all I could think about was how everything would change and I was so scared of losing you to her completely, man.” Jensen knew he was walking on a very unsound ground here.

“Nothing much changed,” Jared claimed, sounding defensive, the look in his eyes hurt. “We even moved back together after a few years.”

“Yeah, we did, but still, a lot of things changed, Jay,” Jensen said quite gently, remembering the years, the excitement, the honeymoon phase, the weekends that suddenly weren't spent together, the family building, Tom being the first of three kids. He loved those kids like his own, but even that hadn't been easy for him. Other than his kids, Jared's kids were a result of love. “Suddenly, it was “Gen and I”, not “Jen and I” and um -”

“You were jealous,” Jared cut in, with not even a hint of question in his voice. His face once more turned into an unreadable, very neutral mask and Jensen wondered if things maybe finally dawned on Jared. Was it normal for a best friend to be jealous of his best friend's wife? Of the nights spent together, the moments of intimacy and togetherness? Of sex, cuddling and kissing?

“I declare myself guilty, Jay. I never was good with sharing.” Jensen tried for banter, though he was not sure if Jared bought it.

The silence between them was a little awkward. “If things are not getting better, I might get a divorce, Jensen. Will that make you happy then?” Jared tried for a neutral look, yet his emotions, the shock and disappointment and something Jensen couldn't really name, despite knowing Jared so well, showed in his face and the question felt like a punch in the gut.

“Of course not, Jare. Your kids are involved, and I love them almost as much as my own. Besides, and most of all, I knew it would kill you. If you're getting a divorce, I'll stand by your side, just like on your wedding day. I'll give you a hug and I will try to mend all the cracks in your heart.”

Jared nodded, pressing his lips together to stop further comments about his best friend's feelings on his wedding day. “Best day of your life?”

There had been some great days in his life. When JJ and the twins had been born, or the first time he had met Jared, but one day was even more important; the day his best friend had been gifted to the world. “July 19th1982.”

Jared swallowed hard, looking at his fingers and the million tiny sand grains his toes were buried in, wiggling his toes. The silence between them was pregnant with expectation, the rush of the waves and the cry of the seagull suddenly very prominent. He didn't look at Jensen. If he had, he would have seen the shock in Jensen's face, the panic. “Jen?” Carefully, Jared looked up. “Is there something you should tell me? Something I need to know?” He swallowed again, wrapping his arms tightly around his body, hugging himself. “No more lies, you promised”

Panic washed over Jensen. He shouldn't have said that, but now as it had happened, as Jared had finally smelled the rat, Jensen couldn't run. He wanted to, but he couldn't. He owed it to Jared. “I wanted to tell you once we were home. I wanted to have this one last memory of us as friends, before I ruined it all, because I couldn't ignore my feelings any longer. I did it for sixteen years, Jared. Pretending and ignoring. Lying. To myself and you. I did it for you, for us. For the show. How could I burden you with it?” Jensen pressed his lips together, nervously playing with his fingers. The fear caused nausea bubbling inside his belly and he felt the perspiration on his forehead and back, while his heart raced a mile a minute.

Jared's eyes were wide as saucers, his face pale. “Say it, Jen. You got to say it.” He almost sounded desperate.

It was now or never, Jensen knew it. His well laid-out plan had failed. Yet, he couldn't deny it. Jared deserved better. Maybe he would be cool with it, just like Jared had been cool with Jensen's coming out. Jensen's heart rate quickened, his mouth was suddenly very dry, and nausea was washing over him, just like the waves washed over the sand. “I love you, Jare. Not like a brother. Far from it. My thoughts? Very unbrotherly. Very incestuous.” It was out. The world was still turning, no lightning had struck Jensen, and the earth hadn't swallowed him. Jared was still sitting next to him, with an unreadable expression. His hands were shaking so badly that Jensen had to steady them by curling the fingers of his left hand around the fingers of his right hand.

“Gosh Jensen,” Jared pressed out after a few moments that had felt like a lifetime. “Sixteen years? All that time? I don't know what to say. What do you expect me to say? What do you expect me to do?” He almost yelled. It was obvious that he was in an emotional uproar, just like Jensen and that maybe, his world had come crashing down with that revelation.

“Nothing, Jare. I don't expect you to do or say anything.” He smiled a lopsided smile. Of course, Jensen had daydreamed about his revelation, but he was realistic; his dreams would never be reality. Jared would never hug him, tell him that he loved him too, that he would get rid of Genevieve and marry him instead. He wasn't that naive. This was life, not some Disney fairytale. “But maybe, you can hear me out before you punch me or run away?” It would be nice, if Jensen had the chance to explain.

“'m not gonna punch you, Jen.” He shook his head, as if the thought alone was ridiculous, opening his hands in a very peaceful gesture. “And I guess I owe it to you to hear you out.”

Jensen wanted to object. Jared didn't owe him anything, but he didn't want to make him mad, so he just told his story, no matter the reason why Jared was willing to listen. How he fell in love, how he ignored and denied it, yet without any success. How he hoped for the end of the show, yet dreaded it at the same time. How horrible it was, when Jared fell for Genevieve, as he realized that his feelings weren't mutual. “I know it's pathetic, but I lived for your hugs, Jare, and the looks and little touches. Falling asleep next to you? There's not even a word for how it made me feel. Overwhelmingly, tremendously amazing maybe. You made me feel like I matter, Jared.”

Eyes big, Jared was looking at him, a play of emotions on his face. It was obvious that the news did something to him, that Jared was touched by the revelation, in many ways. “Didn't it hurt? This closeness?”

“It was a good pain, Jare, and it beat the alternative of not having you. I saw what that did to me. Last year during lockdown. This year in Toronto. When you avoided me once I came home. Not being with you hurts like a thousand bullet wounds. Being with you heals those wounds.”

Jared nodded, letting silence settle between them again. It wasn't awkward, yet also not exactly comfortable, but full of expectation. Jared's eyes were fixed at a random spot on the ocean and not for the first time Jensen hoped he could read his mind and know what was going on in that pretty head of his. “Um, I need a bit of alone time, Jen,” Jared announced eventually, yet not meeting Jensen's gaze. “I mean, gosh, that's huge. When you came out, the idea sneaked into my mind, but I brushed it away. Yet, now that I know, a lot of things make sense. The little things, Jen. The sweet ones. The way you'd sometimes look at me, and the gratitude, the shyness, how you sometimes guarded yourself.” Jared got up, brushed the sand from his feet and slipped back into his shoes, finally looking at Jensen again. “I promise I'm not running away.”

He walked away, along the beach, the afterglow shining at Jared until the darkness that crept over the water swallowed him. Shaking and shivering, Jensen kept sitting where he was. He didn't cry. He was beyond tears, troubled and horribly scarred. He didn't even dare to hope that Jared might love him back, or still would want to be friends. All he hoped was that things remained civil. That he would just tell him to go and never come back.

Eventually, Jensen didn't know how much time had passed, he went back to the B&B. He almost expected to find Jared's things gone, but his suitcase was still there, untouched. Maybe, Jensen should leave. It was Jared's Impala after all. He could get himself a taxi, get to the closest airport and fly home. But he couldn't do this. How could he leave Jared like this? Maybe he was as confused as Jensen was.

More time passed. One hour, two hours. Jensen's stomach growled, demanding food. He ignored it. Three hours, four hours. Jensen started to get worried, and very anxious. What if something had happened to Jared? An accident? He checked his cell for missed messages, but there wasn't one.

Not that he could sleep, being in such an uproar, but Jensen still got ready for the night. He knew he should get himself a room. Jared wouldn't want to share the bed with him now. Never again. Yet, he couldn't bring himself to walk down to the reception area and ask for a spare room. It was far too late for it, anyways, the elderly landlady had probably long gone to bed.

Curling himself into a ball, he hugged the pillow Jared had slept on against his chest, finally crying for what had happened. Exhaustion must have dragged him away because eventually, he felt a warm hand on his shoulder. “Jen?” It must be a dream, because Jared wouldn't want to touch him now, would he? Yet, the hand felt very real. Very warm and gentle. Fingers moved through his hair.

“You back? You didn't run away?” Like a child, Jensen pulled the pillow closer to his chest. Jared noticed. Curiously, there was not a bit of pity or even worse, disgust in his face. He just smiled.

“No, I didn't run away, Jensen.” Jared got up, stripping off his hoodie and long sleeve shirt, doffing his socks and jeans, donning his pajamas before heading towards the bathroom, not offering any explanation. He behaved as if nothing had happened, as if it was any night between two best friends.

“I'll sleep on the floor then,” Jensen offered. He didn't fancy it, but he wouldn't want to make Jared uncomfortable. “I know I should have go-”

“Shut up, Jen,” Jared called, but he sounded a little amused. “You stay where you are.”

Jensen wanted Jared to sleep on the floor even less. He sometimes had problems with his back and shoulder, the price of his gigantism.

He came back, sitting down on Jensen's side of the bed, but at the foot side. “I wanted to run away, Jen,” Jared admitted. “But then I remembered what this trip was about.” Jared played with the beautiful quilt Jensen hadn't even bothered to take away. “It was about getting to know each other again. About smoothing out our difficulties. Being honest to each other. You were very honest with me, Jen. Not only today. You deserve the same now. You deserve that I'm here, with you and you deserve the truth.”

Jared was looking at him like he had never done before. Sadness, pain, love and regret. It caused a hole in Jensen's stomach, and he knew things would never be the same between them, ever again. “No more lies, Jen.” He moved his hand up to where Jensen's hands were resting on the quilt, cupping them, stroking his thumb over Jensen's fingers absentmindedly. “You always were special to me, Jensen. First, I just thought it was friendship, then a crush but eventually, I realized it was love. Real love.”

Jensen blinked. Pinched himself and blinked again. He was still dreaming, wasn't he? He must be, because the real Jared would never talk about feelings. The real Jared didn't have feelings for him, not like that. “Jared?”

“Platonic, but also not so. Yet I never acted on it, just like you never acted on it. How could I have guessed that you were gay, Jen?” Jared asked gently, playing with Jensen's fingers. “How could I have guessed that you loved me like that, too?”

Jensen's heart skipped a beat, and part of him already hoped, of a happily ever after with Jared by his side, finally being with him, in all senses of the word, belonging to him, two parts of the same whole, like he had always secretly dreamed about.

“But the problem is, Jen,” Jared released a shaky breath, “I love Gen, too. She is the mother of my kids, the woman I promised to love, in good and bad times, sickness and health. And despite our problems, and her being, well, her,” Jared chuckled dryly, scrunching her face, “I just cannot leave her. It would destroy Gen, it would destroy Tom, Shep and Odette and our families.” Twining his fingers with Jensen's, Jared looked at him, his eyes wet with yet unshed tears. “I love you, Jensen, and while part of me would love to run away with you, I just can't. I'm sorry, so so sorry, but I can't give you what you hope for.”

Something inside Jensen broke and it took him all his composure and strength to keep a straight face, to not break down and cry at the unfairness of life. If he had just told Jared his feelings, not just now, but years ago, before the wedding? And why did Jared have to be so faithful and loyal? Yet, he hadn't dared to spoil his secret, had preferred to act and pretend and his loyalty and faithfulness were two of Jared's many characteristics Jensen valued. It made Jared the great man he was.

“I know I just ripped your heart out and stomped on it. And the part of myself that wants to run away with you, wants to kiss this look on your face away and spend at least one night with you, Jen. But -”

“We can't,” Jensen heard himself say, though it hurt as much as Jared's rejection. “It would destroy us both.” He'd made his decision. If he spent the night with Jared, it would be so much harder, knowing what he would never really have. Jared wasn't his. He was Genevieve's and Jared had made his choice. Loyal, faithful, kind Jared. “I'll get myself a cab, Jare. Fly straight back to Denver and go home, to my wife and kids.”

“Jen,” Jared objected weakly, “we still -”

“No, we can't.” Now a tear escaped Jensen's eyes despite all his courage. “If I end up cuddling in bed with you tonight, if we spend two or three more days together, it would only get worse, Jare. Part of me would love to. Will always regret it, but it'd hurt so much. I'm leaving so I can hopefully save our friendship. It's more important, anyways.”

Not hesitating, Jensen got up, grabbed a tee and jeans and headed to the bathroom, where he changed quickly and packed his toiletries. From the other side of the closed door, he could hear Jared crying, and it broke his heart, but he just couldn't stay. When he returned after a few minutes, Jared was still sitting on the bed, rubbing his teary eyes and looking like a picture of misery. Sniffing, he watched Jensen packing the little things he had unpacked.

“Jensen, I -”

Jensen sat down next to Jared, placing his hand on his shoulder. “Don't be sorry, Jared. You're a good guy. The best. A great father and a faithful husband. Be happy. Keep fighting and remember that you're enough. For yourself, and for all the people in your life. Me included. You'll always be my friend, my brother and my love.” He leaned over, brushing his lips against Jared's, tasting salty tears.

Legs wobbly, Jensen got up, the tears clouding his eyes. “Be safe, love.” He walked to the door, looking at Jared one last time, hoping that he would see him again, that they could be back to what they used to be, that they were strong enough to overcome all this. Despite his tears, Jensen smiled and Jared, who had his eyes fixed at him, smiled too. Jensen locked it into his heart, to hold onto it in case things were getting rough between them.

Part II

2024

8

“Gen passed,” Danneel told Jensen, her voice small and tiny through the connection, a small sniff escaping her nose. “Yesterday.”

Closing his eyes, Jensen released a shaky breath, moving his hands over his face, feeling for the kids who had lost their mother and for Jared who was a widower now.

“The funeral's in two days. Listen, Jensen, I still don't know what happened between the two of you and while you severed all ties but I'm quite sure, Jared would appreciate you being there. Whenever we talked, he asked about you and I -”

Jensen pressed his lips together, tears burning in his eyes. “Dee, I can't.” He looked at the legs he could barely move nowadays, stroking his hand self-consciously over the frame of his wheelchair. “He doesn't know.” Today was one of the bad days, Jensen still recovering from the last attack and struggling with the fact that it left him a tad more handicapped than before.

“It's Jared, sweetie. He still adores you. He isn't shallow. He- “

“I just can't, Dee. Please, don't ask anymore, don't push me. Give him my love.” His hands were shaking heavily. Tremors were one of the many symptoms of MS and Jensen got them quite often, especially when he was under stress. The news about Genevieve's death had obviously stressed Jensen far more than he had expected it. “I need to go. Kiss the kids.” Just like that, Jensen disconnected the call, switching off his cell and placing it in his lap, his hands shaking too badly for something that needed fine motor skills like putting it in the bag at the back of his wheelchair, where it belonged. Instead, Jensen used all his strength to slowly move his chair to the French windows, looking out of them. The view was stunning, the autumn having turned the leaves a magnificent gold, orange or red, the snowcaps on the mountains in the distance a bright white. Jensen's hands tightened around his wheels. Death had finally released Genevieve, after a three year long battle against cancer.

It had started just a few weeks after Jensen had left Jared in that B&B, with a small knot in her breast and Jared calling him, panic and tears in his voice. And now, it had ended. Jensen knew he should be with Jared, should jump over his own shadow, but how could he? No one apart from his closest family knew about his MS. Ever since the diagnosis two years ago, Jensen had withdrawn from life. It had been bad from the start, and it had been his own fault, simply because he had been ignoring the symptoms for a far too long time. Tremors and muscle spasms. They had started years ago, but Jensen had always brushed them away, telling himself that it was just stress. Stupid, careless Jensen. If he had been diagnosed five years earlier, he probably would have been better and most of all, more mobile now, but it was too late for ifs and maybes. With every attack, it got a little worse and while he didn't need the wheelchair 24/7, he needed it most days. Locking the grief about his own condition away for a little while, Jensen's mind wandered down memory lane, remembering Genevieve. How she had come to set that first time, how Jared had fallen for her quite quickly, how excited he had been about the new love in his life. The proposal, the wedding, the pregnancies. As his wife, Genevieve had of course become an important part of Jared's life and Jensen hadn't liked it. Her. For Jensen, Genevieve had always been sort of the enemy and she had not been good enough for his best friend. In his eyes, Jared had only deserved the best and of course, Genevieve had been far from the best. Though admittedly, no one would have been good enough for Jared, not even sweet Sandy. Yet, Jensen had tried to be friendly enough, for Jared and their friendship's sake. While Genevieve had had her faults, she had been a great mother for the kids and a good wife for Jared mostly. Kids who were mourning now and probably clinging to their dad.

Jensen felt his eyes moistening and he started to cry. Not for the life lost, but for the motherless kids he had met only hours after they had been born and his best friend, who had been with Genevieve until the very end. Loyal and faithful Jared, who must be devastated. 

Jared, who Jensen missed like an amputated limb, who he wanted to hug so badly, but who he could not burden with his own diagnosis. Which was the reason why he had severed ties with his best friend. Jared had been worried sick for Genevieve, who had started her third round of chemo, and the kids, who had been suffering so much. Jared had tried so hard to hold the family together and keep Walker alive. Not only for the jobs involved and the money that covered the ridiculously high costs of treatment, but also because he needed some normality in his life and just like Sam, Walker had become sort of a happy place for Jared. How could Jensen have burdened Jared with the news about his own diagnosis? So he had called Jared, one last time, leaving a heartbreaking message on Jared's voicemail. Then, Jensen had gone into hiding. First, on a long trip to Europe. Back then, he still had been mobile and had wanted some sort of freedom and memories to hold on, especially if the worst case scenario happened. Once Jensen had returned, he had moved to a secluded fully accessible luxury cabin in the middle of nowhere in Colorado he had built after the diagnosis. MS came with countless symptoms, but Jensen had noticed quite soon that for him, MS came with a mobility impairment. While he had hoped he would never need a wheelchair-adapted house, it had only been wise to make it accessible and once the worst-case scenario had happened and he had needed his ride, it had been helping Jensen to keep part of his independence. Modern and bright, the cabin that was more of a mansion was not too far away from Danneel's residence, so that he could see the kids, once in a while. Still, it was lonely, the closest neighbors more than a mile away, a forest full of aspens, maples and beeches between them, a swift stream, a natural border on one side of his property and a lake close by.

Rubbing his eyes, Jensen slowly wheeled away from the window, his eyes grazing the photos on the mantelpiece. Jensen and his parents. Jensen with Josh and Mackenzie. His nieces and nephews. JJ, Arrow and Zep through the years and of course, Jared and he. Heads touching, arms wrapped around each other, hands on the other's hearts, fingers spread wide. Smiling faces and shining eyes. Friendship and love. How could Jensen leave Jared alone in a time like that? But how could he fly down to Austin? Self-consciously, he looked at his body, slowly opening and closing his hands. Something so simple cost him such a lot of effort. They were ugly, his hands, and the legs were even worse; scrawny, the muscles slowly degenerating. There wasn't much strength in them left and not even the regular PT sessions helped much. Even on good days, Jensen only managed a few shaky steps without aid. For longer, he had been needing the walker and he disliked using it far more than the wheelchair. He was weak and disabled. Not the strong friend Jared needed by his side who could catch him and give him hope in all the darkness.

Yet, Jensen moved his chair into his office, where he still was working with Danneel on the TV shows and movies they produced. And although his handwriting wasn't as tidy as it had been, with the tremors and muscle spasms distorting his script, Jensen took a piece of paper, writing a letter to Jared. He had to pause after every sentence, opening and closing his hurting hand, but it felt like the right thing to do. It wasn't long, but it was kind and genuine, encouraging. It wasn't about Jensen and his sickness, but about Jared and his loss and Jensen hoped, while he couldn't hug him for real, it was a hug in an envelope and a small consolation in a time of grief.

***

When his phone announced a call from his ex-wife four days later, Jensen was reluctant to answer it. He knew why Danneel was calling, and he didn't want to hear it, his heart already aching just thinking about the three mourning kids and their dad standing on the grave of their mother and wife. Yet, Jensen also knew that he had to hear it. It was the least he could do and besides, Danneel wouldn't let him get away so easily. If he ignored the call, she would just drive the hour to his place, knocking until Jensen finally opened the door or ignoring his privacy completely, unlocking the door with the spare key he had given her in a moment of weakness, when he had realized that someone who was family and close by should have a spare key.

“It was horrible,” Danneel summarized. “You should have seen them, Jensen. The kids. Jared. They were heartbroken. He asked about you. Again. I -,” she paused. “You should have been there, Jensen.”

Jensen felt worse than before, if that was even possible. “I wrote a letter, Dee,” Jensen remarked, knowing that it really was a weak replacement for his attendance. “I um, explained, without giving away too much. Jared will understand. He knows he's in my heart.” Yet, Jensen wondered if Jared really still knew. Three years of not seeing each other and two years without one single sign of life were a damn long time for two supposedly best friends, especially regarding the fact that they were more than just best friends, but best friends who had feelings for each other.

Danneel sighed. “Don't you think it's time to tell Jared about your health, honey? He's worried about you. He knows there is something wrong. And um, I hate lying to him, you know?” Danneel had promised Jensen to not spill the beans on his condition, but she had always loved to gossip and Jensen was very well aware of what he had asked her to do for him. Besides, it was close to impossible to withstand those warm pleading puppy eyes Jared wasn't ashamed to use if he wanted to get something.

Jensen knew that he couldn't hide the news forever. Sooner or later, he had to call Jared and had to tell him. Yet, the thought alone made him uncomfortable. He had accepted his sickness and what it did to him, yet that didn't mean that he was contently living with it. He tried his best, but some days were worse than others and he was not exactly a role-model, sometimes cursing his fate. He was one of the worst cases. Far from everyone with MS ended up in a wheelchair barely a year after the diagnosis. Besides, how could he possibly tell his best friend that he was in a wheelchair now? It would be a damn awkward call. The ideas Jensen had about this particular conversation made him all cringe. “It's not a good time, Dee. He's mourning. Jared has other problems now. I can't burden him with the knowledge of me being sick, in a wheelchair and not getting out of it ever again.” Jensen swallowed, dramatizing it a little. Problem with MS was, no one could tell what course the sickness would take. Maybe it would stay like this; spasms, tremors, pain, the paresis crippling him. Perhaps it would get better. Or worse, much worse. Not even his doctor could tell. “But I promise, I'll get in touch with Jared again in the new year. I know I can't avoid him forever.”

Danneel scoffed, but didn't dare to object. Instead, she told Jensen about the kids and eventually, handed the phone over to JJ, who told Jensen about the school play and her role as Juliet, as excited as Jensen had been when he had gotten his first role.

***

Days turned into weeks, and often, Jensen's thoughts wandered back to Jared. While he didn't really expect an answer to his letter, he was still disappointed when his mailbox remained empty. His days were filled though, with online Christmas shopping, writing songs, seeing his kids and working on his newest projects. Another attack hit him, robbing Jensen of some more of his mobility and strength. He only picked at his food and he barely got out of the wheelchair these days, only to have a shower or bath, or sometimes in the kitchen, when he needed something from one of the cupboards on the wall. PT and massages helped, but just for a short while and in general, Jensen felt like an invalid. His mental health was shaky, too. A lot of patients with MS were prone to depression and Jensen wasn't an exception, sometimes seeing the world far darker than it was.

He even rejected his mother's invitation for Christmas, knowing that she'd be heartbroken to see her golden boy like that, handicapped and barely able to move, only a shadow of his former self. Christmas then really was a sad affair. Never before had Jensen felt lonelier and not even the heavy snow that turned the trees, bushes, meadows and mountains into a fairy tale scenery and the dozens of candles he lit in the living-room to give the room a more festive glow were able to put a smile on Jensen's face.

9

January was only a handful of days old when Jensen's doorbell was announcing a visitor. He led the life of a hermit, the only people ringing either the postman, Clive, his PT or Annie, his neurologist, and for once, Jensen had neither ordered anything nor had he an appointment. Sometimes, Danneel dropped by unannounced, one or all of their kids in tow, but they had just celebrated a rather dull New Year's Eve together and Jensen highly doubted it was them, especially on a weekday in the early afternoon.

Yet, he wheeled himself towards the door. The cabin was well secured, with cameras and all that crap, and Jensen's heart skipped more than a beat when he laid eyes on a face that was as familiar as his own, although he hadn't seen it for over three years. It had changed, lines of worries carved into once smooth skin, and the dimples were hidden by a beard that was far older than three days. For a moment, that lasted quite long, panic overwhelmed Jensen and he was quickly thinking about his options. Denying his presence was out of question. The downstairs rooms were lit like a Christmas tree, smoke was rising from the chimney and his customized SUV was parked in the garage Jensen hadn't closed. Maybe, if Jensen could bite his teeth together, he could hide the wheelchair behind the sofa and walk. It was just a few steps from the front door to the living-room and back again. But Jensen gave the idea up, even before he could think it through. It wouldn't work. Jared would only have to use the bathroom to see that it was accessible, the bars on the wall, the height adjustable sink and the sheer size of it betraying Jensen's secret and if Jared stayed longer, Jensen had to offer him a drink. By no means could Jensen walk to the kitchen and back again without his old friend smelling the rat. He walked funny these days, his limbs stiff, his steps tiny and his movements uncoordinated. The moment of truth had finally come.

Bracing himself, against the look of shock and pity on Jared's face, Jensen opened the door, the cold from outside hitting him, just like the snowflakes an ice-cold gust of wind was blowing against his hot cheeks. It helped concentrating on these things, and not on Jared's face that fell, from a slight smile to horror when he looked down at his old, now wheelchair-bound, friend. Eyes grew, almost as big as saucers, and lips opened, a shocked gasp escaping them. They quivered, and Jared tumbled, just a little, swallowing hard, lost for words, the shock of seeing Jensen in a wheelchair far too big to overplay. Whatever Jared had expected, it definitely hadn't involved Jensen's new ride.

“Hello Jared,” Jensen welcomed his friend, trying hard for a cheery tone. Yet, there was a slight quiver in his voice and his heart was pounding quite heavily against his ribcage. “How about you come in?” He wheeled backwards, enough to let Jared in. Jared was still staring at him, his hand covering his mouth and his eyes fixed at the wheelchair, as if it was a monster. In the first weeks, Jensen himself had looked at the wheelchair like that, too, but now, after almost a year, a love-hate bound it to him. Without it, he would be bedridden on most of the days and as much as he loved his bed, he wouldn't want to spend his remaining life in it.

Jared lingered, as if he was unsure whether he should come in or run away as fast as he could, until eventually, he shook his head, in a gesture Jensen couldn't quite name, and stepped into the warm cozy cabin. “Jen,” Jared stammered in confusion, looking at the thin legs and his skinny body. “What -”

Jensen silenced his old friend with an unmistakable gesture. “How about you sit down first and I get you a beer, Jared?” Jensen offered, leading the way into the living-room. The fire in the fireplace was cracking happily, the scent of burning wood and rosin strong in Jensen's nose and finally, Jared's eyes wandered away from Jensen and his wheelchair to the room made from local stone and big strong logs, the exquisite, timeless furniture, the art on the wall and the rugs on the hardwood floor. Pointing at the sofa in an inviting gesture, Jensen moved into the kitchen, getting a beer for Jared and a soda for himself out of the fridge. Alcohol didn't agree with his meds, yet he still bought beer so he could offer some in the rare times people visited him. He also used the time to try to collect himself, taking deep breaths, for strength and composure likewise, aware of the awkwardness of the situation and the fact that he could lose Jared for good, if he decided this new, disabled version of Jensen was too much to bear with.

When he came back, Jared's eyes were on him instantly, watching Jensen, how he moved the wheelchair over the hardwood floor, how he handed Jared the cool beer with slightly shaking hands, and how he transferred into one of the more comfortable armchairs, scrunching his face in pain when he put his feet on the ground. “It's MS, Jare,” Jensen announced without any preamble once he had made himself comfortable, even before Jared could ask. “I got the diagnosis two years ago, but I must have developed it even back when we were shooting Supernatural. I just didn't recognize the symptoms. Maybe if I had put two and two together, seen a doctor far earlier and gotten the diagnosis not two but five or six years ago, they could have treated me better.” Jensen shrugged, because no one knew and it was no use to wonder about it. It was not how it had happened. “It's a weird condition, MS. It comes in all sorts of shapes. For me, it's muscle spasms, tremors and paresis. I've been needing the wheelchair for almost a year now, and it's not getting better, Jared. Nowadays, I can only walk short distances, my hands also cramp once in a while and I lost weight. I'm just not really hungry anymore, Jare.”

“Are you going to die?” Jared blurted out, and there was so much pain in his voice that it took Jensen's breath away.

On really bad days, Jensen hoped he would. Yet fact was, the life expectancy of someone with MS was almost as good as of someone without that damn sickness. “No, Jare.” He bit down any snarky comment, knowing that it would have been out of place towards someone who had just buried his wife who had lost a three-year long battle with cancer. Compared with Genevieve's ordeal, what Jensen had to go through, was going through and would be going through in the future was probably a pony ride. He wouldn't say that he sometimes was longing for death, so that things were finally over, probably shocking Jared to the core.

“Why didn't you tell me?” Jared got up, covering the little space between them with just two of his huge steps and going down on his knees, his hands now hovering above the skinny bowed legs. “I thought we were friends.” It was said with much more disappointment than accusation and the eyes looked as hurt as after the prequel gate. Back then, Jensen had hoped that he would never be the reason for this look on Jared's face ever again.

“Didn't want to burden you with it, Jare. You had enough baggage to carry, with three scared kids and a wife battling cancer.” It really had been the main reason. Yet, their history had been the other reason. It had been awkward after North Carolina, the knowledge of their reciprocated feelings sort of hovering above the friends, and while Jared and Jensen hadn't seen each other, they had talked, once in a while, and Jensen had found himself weighing every word he said, just to make it easier for Jared. His friend had done the same for him, had been as careful as Jensen, their conversations awkward as they had lost the easy banter they had had before prequel gate and had slowly gotten back during their ride with Baby.

“You lied to me, again. I thought we had agreed not to lie to each other again.”

The disappointment in Jared's look and voice hurt. How could Jensen ever forget their agreement? It had been himself who had promised to not lie again and who had told Jared his secrets. Things simply no one knew, small and big, mundane and his most important secrets. “Not correctly speaking, Jared,” Jensen remarked carefully. “I hid the truth from you, but I never said that I was good.” He still remembered the message he had left on Jared's voicemail as if it had been only a day ago, not over two years. He'd carefully told Jared that something had changed in his life and that he needed time for himself to cope with it, unsure how long the coping would take. Not that he had managed too well, coping with his condition and the restriction and pain that came with it. “I really wanted to protect you.”

Jared sniffed. “Wish you had told me, Jen. I would have been there.” He finally put his hands on Jensen's thighs, rubbing them gently. “Come here and let me give you a hug,” Jared demanded with such gentleness in his voice that it sent a shiver down Jensen's spine.

Jensen didn't hesitate, leaning closer, letting himself be enveloped by Jared's warm, still strong arms. There were no words, just arms holding strong, fingers stroking gently and lips pressed against Jensen's forehead. “You should have told me, you proud stubborn bastard,” Jared whispered, his breath ghosting warm over Jensen's earlobe.

“Didn't want to burden you, Jay,” Jensen admitted again. “Just look at me. Skinny like a skeleton, in a wheelchair I'll probably never get rid of again. I needed all my strength for myself. I couldn't give you the strength you needed, and I couldn't take your strength away, because you needed it for your kids and Gen.”

“Proud, stubborn bastard,” Jared repeated, letting his hand run through Jensen's hair. It felt unbelievably good, the way Jared caressed him. Carefully, Jared let go of the tight embrace, looking at Jensen. Warm eyes, not looking at him differently, though Jensen had changed so much for the worse. “How about you go join me on the couch and tell me about your life.” He reached out his hand, offering it to be Jensen's walking stick. Shock was painted on his face when Jared noticed how much Jensen struggled with covering the little distance, the slow, unsure steps and the hurting breathing. He helped him sit down, and Jensen felt more miserable than ever before since the diagnosis. Not even his mom's last visit had left that stale, bad taste of being a crippled, sick invalid in his mouth.

“Shouldn't I be the one asking why you're here and how you're doing, Jare?” Jensen asked as he took a thirsty gulp of the ice cold soda he had put on the small coffee table earlier, grateful that his hands had something to do, though they were trembling slightly, the agitation he was in making it worse.

“I'm here because I wanted to be here, Jen. Ever since you vanished, I was worried about you. No one knew anything, and if they knew, they wouldn't tell me. And I was right to be worried.” He cupped Jensen's hand with his own, stroking his fingers over the dry skin. “And once you tell me your story, I'll tell you mine. Deal?”

Jensen nodded, putting the water bottle back on the table. “Deal. But sure you want to hear all of it, Jared? Without me sugarcoating it?” He wouldn't want to hide things from Jared, at least not the important facts concerning his illness and the symptoms he still might develop or not. Lying was out of the question, anyways.

“I won't sugarcoat anything either,” Jared replied, squeezing Jensen's hand briefly, as if making a deal. “Fire away.”

Jensen did. Slowly, he summarized his life in the past three years, not leaving anything out. He started with returning from North Carolina and talking to Danneel about the divorce, about moving back to Dallas for a while, because he had been heartbroken and had needed his family's support, though apart from Mackenzie, no one had known that Jensen had been heartbroken because of Jared and not of Danneel. He mentioned his health, the first really bad attack, the hours in the ER in a Dallas hospital, the examinations, the diagnosis. “When it was clear in which direction it was going, I decided to withdraw from life. I just-” Jensen shrugged, “I didn't want to be a burden. My kids, it's hard for them to see their once so lively dad in a wheelchair. Mom and Mac, they're close to tears whenever they lay eyes on me. Danneel has been very supportive, but she was seeing someone when I got the diagnosis and I just couldn't intrude and you, Jay, you were so worried about Gen and tried to hold your family together. And we weren't, um -” He stopped, not sure how he should phrase it. “I mean, you're not responsible for me, it's not your commitment. No vow binds us together.”

Jared scrunched his face, as if Jensen's comment had hit him like a punch, but he didn't say a thing, just looked at Jensen, before his eyes moved over his far too skinny body. “So I found this property, and had the house built for my needs, Jared. Back then, I was still mobile, and while the place was being built, I went to Europe for several months, sometimes on my own, often though with family or friends.” He told Jared about Europe and then about his life, not sugarcoating it. The doctor's visit, the PT sessions, the pain and the realization that his body was sort of failing, that things were getting worse, not better, the need for the wheelchair, the cramps in his hands and legs, the periods of lifelessness, his prognosis, not that it was a given and his weight loss. “I hate my condition. Hate how Dee sometimes looks at me, or my mom. Hate how your own eyes widened in shock, even now, as they are fixed on the wheelchair, looking at it as if it is a monster. Not that I blame you, Jared. I don't even look into the mirror if I can avoid it, because when I see myself sitting in that thing, it still hurts like a bullet wound.” He openly talked about being lonely and his depression, missing physical contact in his self chosen isolation. “Dee comes with the kids, once in a while, and we talk on the phone, but still, um-” He bit his lips, he couldn't tell Jared that. He couldn't mention how lonely he was and least of all that his condition also affected his sexuality.

“It's nothing to be ashamed of, Jen,” Jared stated. For a second, it looked as if Jared would want to touch his chest, but he drew back, either being disgusted by it or noticing that it would have been far too intimate to do. No matter what reason, Jensen was grateful for it. While he missed physical closeness, he didn't want Jared to feel every single bone in his failing body. He wouldn't want Jared to be disgusted. “You're sick. It's not that bad,” Jared lied, though very convincingly. “You're still you.”

Jensen scoffed. “We both know I changed, Jared. Most of my confidence is gone and every day is a challenge. This sickness is sucking the life and my strength out of me. And last but not least, my mobility is gone. This ride over there,” he pointed at the black and blue frame, “is a part of me now. I only will get rid of it to swap it for an electric one, if my hands won't do their job anymore. It's already getting hard on some days, Jared. Sometimes, they are like claws for hours.” He didn't look at Jared as he announced that, not wanting to see the shock on his friend's face, but had his eyes fixed at the legs that didn't do their job anymore. Taking a small sip of his water, Jensen then continued his tale, describing his daily routines and in the end, what else the sickness could do to him. “Everything. Anything. It's unpredictable. In ten or twenty years, I could be a nursing case. Maybe even earlier, if my hands are getting worse. Some lose their eyesight, Jared. Some suffer from speech deficiencies. Some get incontinent. Fatigue is very common, it sometimes hits me, too. I hope for the best, but honestly, I'm prepared for the worst.” It was difficult to talk about it, but Jensen had to, simply because it was Jared and he had been a part of his story. He didn't want to chase him away, but he needed to know the plain truth.

“I don't know what to say, Jen,” Jared admitted, shaking his head in disbelief, his hand back on Jensen's thigh. Feeling the warmth seeping through the material of his sweatpants into his skin was nice. “'m sorry doesn't do it justice and won't help at all. Yet, I am sorry, Jensen. I wish none of this had happened to you. I wish you had confided in me and took some of my faith and my strength and most of all, my friendship. But yeah,” Jared admitted, pausing for a while, his hand rubbing up and down Jensen's thigh, “I understand why you kept it a secret, why you didn't want to be a burden.” A sad little smile twitched over Jared's lips and for a while, silence settled between them, the only sound the slowly dying fire.

Even before Jensen could ask Jared to feed it, he got up, taking two heavy logs and placing them onto the embers, before looking at the family photos on the mantelpiece, thoughtfully taking the photo of Jensen and himself. “I miss this closeness, Jen. Having my best friend by my side. That's why I came. I got your letter, and I felt your love, and I remembered it, stronger and more clearly than I had in the past. And I wanted to know what was wrong with you.”

Jared's words caused something; the wish to have his best friend back in his life, to lean on him for strength and faith. “Now you know, Jared.”

“Now I know,” Jared agreed sadly, turning around and looking at Jensen. He swallowed hard, walked back and sat down next to Jensen. In the next thirty or so minutes, Jared told Jensen about his own life. He didn't sugarcoat it, mentioned how sick Genevieve had been feeling and how difficult it had been for the kids. “Odette lost her childhood, Jen. Shep lost his laughter, and Tom, for him it was the most difficult, I think. He tried to put up a brave face for his younger siblings and be the older brother, protecting them, like Dean protected Sammy, but going through pre-puberty, while he was fearing for his mom's life was hell for him. And I was struggling so hard. The darkness came back.”

Jensen took in a deep breath, feeling guilty for not having been there. He should have been with Jared, helping him through the darkness and back to light, but he had been hurting, on so many levels and like Jared had noticed, he was a proud, stubborn bastard.

“Six month ago, the doctors told us that there was no going back. For the sake of the kids, Gen went to a hospice. It was-” Jared swallowed, “I can't even find words for it, Jensen. Not even the strongest pain meds helped. She tried to put up a brave face for the kids while they visited her, but when they were gone, she was crying and screaming in pain. She lost so much weight. She never had much, but in the end, she was only skin and bones. There was nothing I could do. I've never felt so helpless before and I just can't be so helpless ever again.” He bit his lips, looking at Jensen.

Suddenly a very dark thought hit Jensen. Jared would leave, and he wouldn't come back. For his own health and sake, he had to leave and sever the ties for good, to protect himself, and to make sure that he wouldn't watch someone else close to his heart suffer again. Jensen didn't know what to say. The thought alone hurt so much, and the way Jared looked at him made Jensen insecure and self-conscious. Even more than normal, Jensen was aware of the pain in his limbs, his slightly trembling hands and his skinny body. The custom made wheelchair still sitting next to the armchair, the half dozen of meds that were standing in the kitchen, the small room he used for PT, the accessible bathrooms and customized car for the legs that got weaker by the day. He really was a burden.

“Jensen?” Just like that, a warm hand was pressed against his chest, rubbing softly. “Are you okay? You look spooked.”

Wordlessly, Jensen shook his head. Maybe, he was overrating Jared's words, interpreting them wrong. MS wasn't cancer. He wouldn't die, not now, not in ten or twenty years, at least not of MS. He would just be getting worse and weaker, if worse came to worst, until he was a nursing case and even more of a burden. “Nothing. 'm just lost for words, just like you were. Sorry that you all had to go through this. That Gen fought in vain. I wish Fate would have been kinder, Jay.”

Jared nodded, in a gesture of thanks, taking his hand away from Jensen. He already missed his warmth.

“Where are the kids? Do you want to stay?” Less than an hour ago, Jensen hadn't even wanted to open his door to Jared, but now he was here, now that Jensen felt how good it was to have his best friend by his side, he hoped Jared would stay, at least one night.

“With Gen's parents, up in Idaho. I don't want to intrude, but I'd like to stay. Getting to know this new you, Jensen. If I'm welcome.”

“You're welcome.” Yet, as Jensen said this, he was wondering what would happen if Jared really left once he had noticed how sick Jensen was. It would make it even worse. If Jared left now, it would be like ripping off a bandaid. It would hurt, but it would be quick. If Jared stayed, only to leave for good later, it would be so much worse. Shaking his head, Jensen tried to get rid of the thought. Jared wasn't like that, was he? He was a good person, not someone who let a friend drop like a hot potato because he was sick and suddenly dependent on a wheelchair. He should think more highly of his best friend. Yet, the comment had made Jensen very insecure. “Let me show you the house and your room.” It was a welcome distraction, showing Jensen the cabin. Slowly, Jensen got up, walking back to his wheelchair, feeling Jared's eyes on him again.

“It's so weird, seeing you sitting in this thing, Jen,” Jared said as he got up, too. “Seeing what the sickness did to you.”

It hurt hearing Jared talking about it, though he only spoke the truth. Everyone had these thoughts, Jensen himself on top of the list, yet most were just too polite to put them into words. “Blatantly honest you are, Jared.”

“No more lies, remember?” He squeezed Jensen's shoulder, in a comforting and reassuring gesture.

“How could I ever forget, Jared?” In a way, his honesty had destroyed things between them but Jensen shook this thought off, too. It only hurt, thinking about all the big and little choices that had built the path of their lives. 

Slowly, he wheeled out of the living-room, pointing at the kitchen and bathroom door and the doors leading towards his office and his PT room. “I had the place built for my needs, Jare,” Jensen mentioned, pointing at the lift, entering it, Jared squeezing into it with him. He tried not to think of his last ride in a lift with Jared, drunken in Nashville and the sexual tension back then. The second floor was as beautiful as the first floor, lots of glass and wood, enough space for Jensen to maneuver the wheelchair. There were several bedrooms, all with en-suite bathrooms, two for the kids, and two for adults. In one, Danneel even kept some of her clothes, so Jensen led Jared to the smaller bedroom, the windows and balcony facing north. It was still nice and cozy. “Get yourself comfortable, I'll go lie down for a bit.”

Jensen retreated into the sanctuary of his own bedroom, listening to the sounds Jared made, while he walked down the steps and outside, to his car, probably fetching his overnight bag. After he had returned, Jensen could hear him rummaging around in the bathroom, the toilet flushing and then, water thundering down the shower. Jensen tried to concentrate on these things, to avoid his mind wandering about and painting things black, images of being left and losing Jared forming in his head. Thing was, he wouldn't even blame Jared. Moving his hand along the form of his face, down his neck and over the hole of his abdomen, Jensen shook his head. Jared would be better off without him in his life. Without the worry that came with being friends with him. Without the obligatory visits out of loyalty once or twice a year, seeing how Jensen was getting worse every year, in his electric wheelchair, not able to see or to speak properly, not able to feed himself anymore because the hands had become claws permanently, wearing diapers, because he had become incontinent, too, a nurse feeding and bathing him. The positive part of Jensen scolded himself for these dark thoughts. A worst case scenario that would very unlikely come to pass like that.

Jensen wheeled over to the big king bed, moving from wheelchair to the mattress, grateful that he could stretch his legs. Pulling a pillow against his chest, Jensen tried to concentrate on his breathing, shaking the horrible image of this very handicapped version off. His eyes glided over the room. The real fireplace, cold right now, but a source of warmth and hope, whenever it was in use. Furniture with more photos with family and friends on top of them, leafy plants and an orchid, books and some candles. The guitar he would probably never be able to play again in a corner, next to a very comfy armchair. Satiny sheets that kissed his skin, the bedding warm in the cold Colorado nights.

A knock on the door ripped Jensen out of his musings and he hummed in acknowledgment as a sign for Jared to come in, which he did. His hair was still moist, curling even more in the back of his neck, and the beard was gone. Having swapped the warmer winter clothes for sweatpants and a tee, Jensen noticed that Jared had bulged up again, the tee hugging his muscles in all the right places. He felt even more self-conscious about his weak torso, covering it with a thin blanket, not that it helped much because Jared had already seen it.

“Hey,” Jared said, his naked feet whispering over the dark, noble hardwood floor and sitting down on the side of Jensen's bed, fidgeting with his hands. “Are you okay?”

“Tired, Jare. I'm often tired, even fatigued these days. Not sure if it's the meds or my condition or both. Might also be the emotion of today.” Jensen shrugged. He hated being that exhausted, longing for sleep. It often hit him very early, and on more days than not, he napped in the afternoon, yet still went to bed around 9 pm.

“Is it okay I'm here? Or do you want to sleep, Jen?”

“It's good you are here, Jay.” Jensen had made up his mind. He would take what he could get from his best friend, seeing it as the gift it was. Maybe Jared would come back or at least stay in touch. And even if not, it was good not to be alone, to have someone by his side, someone as gentle as Jared, who loved to talk and hug, and who could chase the darkness away with his thousand watt smile.

“Scoot over then,” Jared prompted, and Jensen did. In spite of three years of not seeing each other face to face, Jensen still loved Jared with all his heart. He wanted to be with him. Being with Jared and maybe getting a hug helped. For a second, it made the pain and the dark thoughts go away. It made him smile, even laugh and forget his misery.

Jared made himself comfortable on the bed, propped up against the cushioned headboard and opened his arms in a very inviting gesture. “I know you're very troubled, Jen, about your condition and the way your body changed, but I don't mind being with you, if that's what you are afraid of. I don't mind seeing you.” He pointed at the blanked covered torso. “Please don't hide yourself from me, Jen.” Tentatively, Jensen slid a little closer, everything about Jared suddenly very inviting. “It's what makes my best friend nowadays. You're still my brother and my best friend, Jen.”

Finally, Jensen was close enough to put his head against Jared's chest, and the arms closed him in, cocooned him in warmth and love. The last time he had been held like that had been on their road trip, in the cozy B&B in North Carolina, before Jared had learned the truth. Those arms and most of all, the person they belonged to still meant everything to Jensen.

“'m going to touch you now, Jen,” Jared announced, waiting for a few heartbeats, for a protest that never came. Jensen's heartbeat quickened, and something in his belly stirred he hadn't felt for a very long time in excited anticipation of what would happen in a few moments. Fingers ghosted first over his face, then glided along the neck and over his chest, too. “It's just the sickness, Jen,” Jared said, caressing the skinny torso, sending shiver after shiver through Jensen and causing his throat to get tighter and tighter. Carefully, he moved his hands south down his chest, stroking over the ribs, feeling every single one. Now it happened, it wasn't unpleasant, far from it. Jared's hand was widely spread and very warm, moving north and south, west and east, round and round over his belly, rubbing it oh so softly. The pace slowed down, but Jared didn't stop his soft caresses as he placed a lingering kiss against Jensen's forehead. “It's not so bad, sweetheart,” Jared promised, the endearment sounding sweet in Jensen's ear. No one had ever called him sweetheart before, not even his mom. “Now go to sleep. Try to sleep, Jen.” Jared's warmth and gentle caresses swept Jensen away, granting him a restful night.

10

When Jensen woke up, he felt a warm weight on his belly and when he looked down, it was adorned by his favorite hand in the world, long ebony fingers stretched wide over the white canvas of the tee, stroking it almost imperceptibly. Jared was still with him. It hadn't been a dream, none of it, not even the part where Jared had caressed his body. Turning just enough so that Jensen could see Jared, he stared into big hazel eyes and a little, melancholic smile. He placed his own hand, that was a little stiff, like so often in the morning, over Jared's, not minding when their fingers weaved together. 

“Morning, Jen.”

“Morning Jare. I can't believe you stayed the night.”

“Nowhere I'd have rather been, Jen.” A gentle squeeze of his hand gave his words even more meaning. “Is it okay I'm here?”

“More than okay.” In amazement, Jensen looked at their twined hands. The warmth seeping from Jared's fingers into his own helped against the stiffness and Jared slid a little closer, spooning Jensen, caressing his sleep-warm skin.

“Just let yourself fall, Jen. 'm here.” He pressed a lingering kiss against his neck and started to move their twined hands over his skinny torso.

Jensen knew it wouldn't end well. It had to end in another heartbreak. Yet, despite his fear, he let himself fall, let Jared caress him, for minutes or hours, Jensen didn't know.

“Is there anything I can do for you? Bring you?”

“I normally just lie here until I'm ready to get up and into the wheelchair,” Jensen admitted. “Then I go get my meds and once they kick in, I'm having my shower and getting ready for the day. It needs time, Jared. Patience. On good days, not that long, on bad days, a little longer.”

“Is today a good or bad day?”

“I think it's a good day.” It wasn't even hopeful thinking. He felt some more life in his legs and the hands were better, too. “How about you go have your own shower and we meet for breakfast?” Jensen suggested. While he hadn't lied, he still didn't want Jared to see how much he struggled in the morning and Jared accepted it, pressing Jensen against himself briefly before he let go and left.

Suddenly, Jensen felt lonely and cold, despite the winter sun caressing his face, missing Jared's presence. Yet, he shook the feeling off, slowly moving his hands and legs, before he felt good enough to transfer into his wheelchair and move down the hallway and downstairs into the kitchen, where he swallowed the more than half-dozen colorful pills that would help him through the day and maybe finally make him better, too.

***

“We could go outside,” Jensen suggested after breakfast. Jared had looked at him questioningly when he had stopped eating after only a piece of buttered toast and a yogurt with some fruit and cornflakes. “Unless -”

Jared lifted his brow. “Unless, what Jen?”

“Not sure how long you want to stay,” Jensen whispered, suddenly feeling very awkward. Maybe Jared wouldn't want to stay any longer, now the truth about his condition had probably sunken in.

“I would want to stay much longer than I actually can, Jen,” Jared announced gently. “I have to leave tomorrow, to welcome my kids back home and make sure that Walker wakes up from the coma he had been in since the past few episodes.”

Jensen nodded. He had been stupid to hope that Jared would stay for more nights than just two. Of course Jared needed to be back in Austin, where he would have to try for some sort of normality while they were all still mourning for Genevieve.

“Outside sounds good, Jen. Let me just clear the stuff away.”

Jensen didn't object. Normally, Teresa, his maid, did it, who came every day apart from Sundays and helped him with his household, cleaning, laundry, cooking, in summer even some gardening and who brought stories from the outside world and made him laugh.

“Where do you want to go, Jen?” Jared asked once the table was spotlessly clean and the dishes were in the dishwasher. Hands in his pockets, Jared hovered above him, looking at Jensen curiously.

“Just outside. There is a small lake, half a mile down there.” He pointed in the rough direction. “It's a nice place, all through the year. Though you will have to push me, if that's okay. I can't wheel myself through snow when the paths aren't cleared.” Jensen hated being pushed, it made him feel even more like an invalid. But fact was, it would be damn impossible with the little strength he had in his fingers. The cold would make them worse and in a way, it was a good chance to see how Jared would cope. Not with the physical aspect of moving the wheelchair, but with what it meant, having a wheelchair-bound friend in his life.

Jared didn't flinch, just nodded and got into his warm winter clothes, wrapping a scarf around his neck and pulling a beanie over his head. When he noticed how Jensen was struggling to get into his boots, Jared knelt down and helped Jensen get his feet into them before closing the zipper. He also did his fingers’ job zipping the jacket closed and even got Jensen a blanket to wrap his legs in, moving a gentle hand over Jensen's arm in a comforting gesture that said that he didn't mind. “Before Gen went to the hospice, I helped with her care, Jen,” Jared explained gently. “I've done far more intimate things than buttoning a jacket or helping someone into shoes. It's okay.”

Jnsen blinked rapidly to avoid the tears that were stinging in his eyes from falling. Wheeling outside, the sun blinded him, and he quickly put on shades, looking at the winter wonderland. It was overwhelmingly beautiful and despite the cold in the air that bit his face, the sun was surprisingly strong, causing the snow to glisten like a thousand diamonds. For a brief moment, Jared put his hands on Jensen's shoulders, and then started to push him through the snow. It was hard work, especially in the parts of the wood that weren't cleared, but Jared didn't complain once. They talked, not heavy stuff like last night, but about their kids, mutual friends, sports and other things, and Jensen noticed how strong they still were, the connection definitely still there, despite the past three years.

“You still warm, Jen?” Jared asked maybe after an hour or so. He had pushed him as far as to the little lake where he stopped. It was a beautiful sight. The frozen surface, covered with inches of fluffy snow, virginal but for a few animal traces. The gnarled branches of old trees, empty of all but a few leaves shaking in the cold breath of wind, heavy with snow that melted drop by drop, whenever the sun graced them.

Jensen turned his head, looking at his friend, at the care and worry in his features, the gentleness. How could Jensen have doubted him? “I'm good, Jare. But I'm getting a little hungry.” It was good news. More often than not, he had no appetite and had to force each fork into his mouth, feeling full only after one third of the portion.

“Let's go back then, sweetheart.” Jared leaned down, moving his mittened hands down Jensen's chest until they folded on his belly. “You need to eat properly, Jen. You need your strength.”

When they returned, Teresa was busy cleaning the living-room, and after Jensen had introduced her to Jared and asked her to get lunch for two ready, Jensen moved into his bedroom to not get in Teresa’s way, Jared following him. As if it was the most natural thing in the world, Jared helped him undress and slipped beneath the covers with Jensen, spooning Jensen from behind, his hand on his torso. “Is there anything I can do for you, Jen? Anything you need?”

Jared was really very sweet and attentive and it felt good because it was genuine. “No. Later today Clive, my PT, will come. It's always very draining, so I'll be happy just lying here with you and um, maybe -” Biting his lips, Jensen stopped, heat creeping into his cheeks. He couldn't ask for cuddles, could he?

Jared seemed to understand him anyway, because he started to move his hand over his belly. “We can cuddle as much as you want.”

Just like that, Jensen started to cry. It was just too much, the gentleness of Jared's words and movements, his loneliness, his fears and doubts, having Jared back, despite severing all ties and being such a horrible friend when Jared had needed him badly, too. He didn't deserve him.

“Hey, no need to cry.” Up and down, Jared moved his hand in consoling gestures. “No need to be sad.” It didn't help one bit, Jensen cried even harder, gasping for air, sobbing, his forehead pressed against Jared's chest. “I'm here, Jen. Not going anywhere.”

Of course it was a lie. Jared would leave tomorrow, and if he was clever, he would never come back, would not even look back. He'd try to pick up the shattered pieces of his family, be a good dad and maybe go looking for a new woman in his life in a year or two, so that the kids had a motherly figure in their life. Yet, Jensen didn't say any of it. Like a drowning man would hold on to a lifebelt, Jensen was clinging to Jared, and for once, he allowed himself to let go and to fall, knowing that Jared was there to catch him.

Eventually, Jensen's tears ran dry, leaving him drained and tired to the bones. It was Jared who brought him something to drink and a cool washcloth that helped to calm the red, puffy face. Who enveloped him in his arms, once he was back, his lips pressed against his forehead, and just held him tight and who eventually helped him back into his wheelchair and wheeled him down to the kitchen, because Jensen's hands had started to cramp. Without batting an eye-lash, Jared cut his food, potatoes, peppers and zucchini and a very thin slice of well spiced chicken breast. He also offered to feed him but Jensen still had his pride.

When, after a long time, his plate was empty, Jared helped him back into bed and held his hand that had become a claw, until Jensen fell asleep. He watched him struggle and fight during PT, supporting him with encouraging words and smiles and once Clive was done, he wiped his sweat away. He brought Jensen upstairs, directly into the bathroom, where he ran the tub for him, helped him out of his sweaty clothes and into the tub, soothing Jensen, who felt very exposed and vulnerable, yet still quite safe, with a hand on his shoulder. Once the water had run cold, Jared wrapped Jensen into a towel and rubbed him dry, because his hand was still cramped. His moves were tender and when Jensen was dressed in fresh sweatpants again, Jared brought him against his chest and just held him, for strength and comfort.

When Jared left the next day in the morning, with the gentlest hug imaginable, he promised to be back, yet pleaded Jensen to stay strong, to fight and to be better.

11

Jared called every couple of days and came once a month, mostly unannounced. He never stayed for long, sometimes just for one night, often for two, rarely for three and never for longer, because he didn't want to leave his kids on their own for too long and he helped care for Jensen with an implicitness that took Jensen's breath away. It was the little things that made Jensen all warm and tingly inside, the way Jared would sometimes look at him, place his hand on his belly and rub it softly or put a lingering kiss against his cheek. It was the way he massaged his hurting legs, cut his food or went out with him for long walks, his hand on Jensen's shoulder, giving him a hand with the wheelchair when it was muddy or just a little too steep. They talked about this and that, and it felt as if they wanted to catch up on all the lost time. Not once did Jared look at Jensen differently and there was not one bit of reproach that Jensen hadn't been there when Jared had needed a friend. Jensen even addressed it again, scared that it would stand between them but now Jared knew and saw how much Jensen struggled, both physically and mentally, he understood. They grew closer and closer again and Jared was sweet, kind and helpful, the rock and safe haven he had been in the past.

Jensen started to relax, pushing the thoughts about Jared throwing him away like a broken toy far away. He wouldn't do that. Not after four months. And while Jensen wasn't good, he was stable. Every attack made it a little worse, taking some of his mobility away, but he hadn't had one since the New Year. He knew, he was living on borrowed time, that the next one would come, sooner or later, but he tried not to think about it. He was looking forward to summer days spent with Jared. Now Walker had wrapped for the season, he had promised to stay a little longer. He had even carefully suggested to go away, to someplace warm and sunny, a secluded beach resort maybe, but Jensen wasn't ready for it, didn't want to be seen in public, scared that people might recognize him if he was with Jared.

Jared had been with him for two days, as attentive and sweet as always and yet, things were a little different. There was a weird vibe between them, a tension Jensen hadn't felt for a while, something that made his heart skip beats and caused those butterflies in his belly dancing rumba like they hadn't danced for a while.

It was an unusually mild night, and they were sitting outside on the patio on a double sunlounger, their bodies pressed together, wrapped into a blanket for warmth, Jared's hand on Jensen's heart. Sometimes, it would move down, teasing and caressing the still far too empty belly before the gentle fingers moved up again. They didn't talk, just enjoyed each other's company and their strong, unusual bond made of friendship and love.

Jared smiled, warm and beautiful, cupping Jensen's cheek. Heat seeped into Jensen's skin, loosened something, mended something, causing dizziness and nausea at the same time. Jared leaned closer. Waited a heartbeat, even two, giving Jensen the change to draw back. Of course he didn't. He was numb with shock, but he still reacted, leaning closer, until their lips touched.

Years later, they romanticized it. Fact was, it wasn't anything special. They were both very shy, a little unsure. Jared hadn't kissed anyone other than Genevieve for over a decade, and Jensen hadn't really kissed for even longer. He was rusty, and it was sloppy, their noses bumping together, and he didn't really know what to do with his hands, so he pressed them against Jared's chest, scratching him a little. Yet, the kiss caused something. Butterflies in his belly, fireworks that erupted like a volcano, sending tingles through his whole body and his heart beating quicker than ever before. “We got to practice this,” Jared commented, laughing about themselves. “We're both a little rusty, I guess. Jen?” He moved his fingers through Jensen's hair. “Are you good?”

Jensen had never felt like this before, panic and joy washing over him at the same time, most of all though surprise. That hadn't really happened, had it? Yet, he still could feel Jared's taste on his lips and tongue, of the minty chewing gum he was addicted to, beer and a hint of spices from the delicious Italian chicken Teresa had made for them. He could feel his excitedly beating heart pounding against his chest. And he could see the love in Jared's eyes.

“Jensen, hey?” Warm hands cupped his cheeks again. “That's why I also came back. To my sweetheart. To you.”

“How can you still love me, Jared?” Jensen pressed out, not believing that was happening. It was incomprehensible. Sure, part of him had dreamed about it, but he was realistic. Jared was popular, famous, and stunningly beautiful. Tall, muscled and simply perfect. He could have everyone, simply everyone. And here was himself. Weak, sick and handicapped. Disabled. Wheelchair-bound. Close to starving. “Not arm-candy material for you, Jare.”

Jared looked like a kicked puppy. “Oh Jen, I don't need arm-candy. I can take one of my co-stars, I even could ask Meg, you know. I need my Jensen. You're still my Jensen, aren't you?”

“Just a very sick and crippled version of him, Jared.” He knew he was being whiny and a part of him wanted to take Jared so badly, wanted to believe him, but he couldn't.

“It's the version I love, Jen,” Jared said gently. “I know things are different now, but I want you to know something.” Bit by bit, Jared told Jensen about the weeks after North Carolina, before Genevieve had gotten the life-changing diagnosis. How he had started to compare them, how he had watched her, thinking how Jensen would do things instead, how Jared had slowly realized that nothing in the world should keep him from the man he loved, not even his vow, his kids, and least of all, his reputation. “I already had talked to my lawyer, Jen. Not only about the divorce, but also about my contracts and what might happen if I came out,” Jared admitted carefully. “Then, just a few days later, she came back from her check-up, tears in her eyes. Even before she got the results from the biopsy, Gen had known it was cancer. And while I still wanted to be with you, Jen, I knew I couldn't leave her, not yet. I was hoping it would be okay. Many women are diagnosed with breast cancer and they win. Back then, we didn't know it was a very fast growing and aggressive form. You know the rest.”

Jensen couldn't believe his ears. It had sounded as if Jared would have left Genevieve, hadn't it been for her getting sick. “You would have chosen me, Jared?” Jensen asked, just to be sure, aware that it sounded a little pathetic. “You would have even come out?”

“I should have chosen you in the first place, Jen,” Jared said, placing his hand back on Jensen's chest, rubbing the spot over his heart. “My heart.”

Jensen still didn't believe it. This was different than three years ago. He was sick. Unattractive. There was nothing he could offer Jared. In worst case, not even sex, because the sickness also affected his sexuality. “What about -”

“Not now, Jen,” Jared cut him off. “Now is for sleeping, cuddling and kissing.” He let go of Jensen, gave him a hand as he moved back into the wheelchair and upstairs into the bedroom. He helped him undress, kissing his collarbone, his chest and the belly that was so horribly sunken in, before Jensen could hide his body beneath a tee. He gave him his meds, and in the end, he curled around Jensen.

“This is a dream,” Jensen mumbled, not believing what was happening as Jared held him so tight.

“It's real, Jen.” Jared kissed his forehead, the tip of his nose, the wrinkles around Jensen's eyes and in the end, very chastely, his lips. “Very real. Now sleep.”

Cuddling as close as he could, Jensen placed his hand above Jared's heart, smiling when Jared laced their fingers together. It gave Jensen a feeling to be loved and wanted and a contentness he hadn't felt for a long time. Sighing happily, Jensen fell asleep.

***

Waking up was a really nice sensation in the morning, Jared cuddling him, his eyes only slits, his fingers caressing his side uncoordinated. Still overwhelmed, Jensen moved his own hand over Jared's sleep-warm body. Although it wasn't the first time he woke up next to Jared, it still felt different. Maybe it was the knowledge about what had happened the day before, and the hope Jensen had allowed to settle inside his heart.

“Morning Jen,” Jared whispered.

“It wasn't a dream.” Jensen of course had known it, yet, he was still amazed about the events.

“No, it wasn't. It's all very real.” They kept on caressing each other, sharing tender kisses, not minding that their breaths weren't exactly minty.

They spent quite a while in bed, just stroking each other. “I know you're ashamed of your body, Jen, but it still holds a beautiful soul. Let me worship it.” His hands hovered over Jensen's torso and he nodded once, throat tight, allowing Jared to unclothe him, and Jared did it deliberately and reverently, until Jensen was lying on the mattress in his birthday suit. Jared didn't say much, just looked at the palsied legs, thin and bowed, at the proud cock that barely stirred nowadays, at the pale skin that stretched over the skeleton with not an inch of fat on it, at the gaunt face with the beautiful green eyes and soft smile. “I did some research on MS,” Jared admitted, placing his hand on Jensen's belly, rubbing it gently.

“So you know what it can do to um -” Jensen blushed.

“Little Jensen? Yeah, I know.” He kept on rubbing his belly. “But I also know that scientists are working on new treatments all the time, sweetheart. Things might change, for the better. That's what I'm hoping for you, Jen. Not for me, just for you. The way it is, this here, you in my arms is more than I could ever have wished for.” He kept on caressing Jensen's naked skin, from head to toe. “I know it makes you uncomfortable hearing it, but you are still stunningly beautiful.”

Jared was right. Compliments had always made him feel awkward, maybe because he had never been too full of himself, had been self-conscious for a long time because of his sexuality and other things. And now he thought they were nothing but a lie. He wasn't even close to beautiful anymore. But the way Jared had just said it, all warm and appreciative, gentle and kind, the way he now caressed his chest and peppered gentle kisses over his skinny middle, not minding that he actually felt the fine bones, didn't make Jensen feel awkward. They made him feel cherished. “You're not exactly ugly, either, Jare.” He placed his hand on the back of Jared's head, combing his fingers through his curls. “I love your hair,” Jensen started to serenade Jared. “And your smile. Gosh, Jared, that smile. Not sure you realize what it does to people.” He caressed Jared's cheek with his thumb. “Those dimples. No matter how crappy the day is, and how drained I feel, if I see these dimples, I feel my spirits lifted. They have healing powers.” There were so many things he loved about Jared, and he listed them all. His hugs, his voice, the softness of his hands, the kindness of his heart, the long toes, the deft yet gentle fingers. Flushing, Jared looked absolutely adorable and scrumptious and once Jensen was done with Jared's body, he continued with his qualities. “You really are one of the good people, Jay,” Jensen ended his hymn of praise. “Meeting and knowing you, this here,” he pointed at Jared and himself, “is the best thing ever happened to me. That's also why your birthday was the best day of my life.” Jensen suddenly remembered the start of this part of their path, when he had admitted his love. “Without you, Jare, I -” Tears now tickled his eyes as he recalled the dark times, when Jared had been fighting with his mental health, the awkwardness after the prequel gate and the past three years of his self-chosen isolation, without his best friend in it.

Lips and fingers ghosted over Jensen's naked skin, Jared's warmth seeping into his own body as he cuddled and caressed him. Never before had Jensen felt like this. It had always been about sex, never about love. Never before had someone held him like this and never had Jensen believed that someone could make him feel like this, could cause this swarm of butterflies in his belly, hundreds that sent waves of pleasure like electricity through his body, that caused happiness erupt like fireworks everywhere.

For a while, Jared didn't do anything else, just held and caressed Jensen like that. “You make me feel loved,” Jared declared eventually, summarizing what he felt for Jensen. “Not only now. Always. Even when the prequel shit happened, I knew you still loved me. Even when you disappeared from my life just like that, I knew I was still in your heart.” First, he pressed a kiss against the wrinkles that framed his eyes, then on the tip of Jensen's freckled nose, moving his toes along Jensen's bowed leg. “Wrinkles, freckles, bowed palsied legs. All of this makes you my Jensen.” He placed his palm against Jensen's chest, rubbing it tenderly. “Your smile, Jen. Your laughter. Your voice. When you sing, it's, gosh, it makes me all warm and fuzzy inside.” Just like Jensen earlier, Jared listed the things he loved about Jensen, the minor and major things that had made him his best friend. Some of the things Jared mentioned Jensen valued himself, some things not exactly, and some others he hadn't even known or realized he did or possessed. He learned a lot in this heavenly hour, about Jared, but also about himself. “You're very special.”

Jensen smiled. It seemed they both were special to each other. And wasn't this the perfect requirement for being partners? He didn't say anything, but caught Jared's lips in a kiss. It wasn't chaste any longer, but also not hot. It was sweet, full of the love, affection and admiration they felt for the other, gentle caresses of lips and tongues and a first real taste of what they could have, if things worked out.

***

It could have been so perfect, but of course it wasn't, because just a few hours later an attack hit Jensen, worse than ever before. Tears running down his face, he screamed in pain and he barely managed to tell Jared, who looked horror-stricken, to call Annie, his doctor.

She came quickly, with an IV drop and a few injections, and did everything she could, but it was the worst so far, and Jensen could almost feel himself losing the remaining life in his legs. “I can't feel them anymore,” he pressed out between his trembling lips, the pain suddenly gone completely. Panic was washing over Jensen and despite better knowledge, he tried to move his toes, and nothing happened. “I can't move my toes.”

Annie tried to calm him, told Jensen that things might be better once the attack was over, that he could get some of his feeling and mobility back, that it was likely he would but Jensen knew it better. He knew, he had sort of lost his legs now. He knew he would never even walk one step and he was scared, so scared, not feeling his legs, while other parts in his body were burning like hell. He couldn't stop crying and he was all alone. 

But no, he wasn't. Jared was there, sitting by the side of his bed, yet not touching him, looking at Jensen with an unreadable expression, yet his eyes wide in shock and pain.

“'m sorry, Jen,” Jared suddenly pressed out, his voice shaking. “I thought I could do it. I thought my love was stronger, but I can't. I just can't watch you suffer.” He buried his head in his hands, fighting against tears that were swimming in his eyes. “It's not you, Jensen. It's me. 'm not strong enough to help you carry the burden. Not strong enough to be with another sick partner. I love you, but it's not enough. 'm so, so sorry.”

There was no goodbye kiss, no hug, just nothing. Jared only got up, looking at Jensen, at his sweaty face and the spasms that were running through his body and the thin legs Jensen would probably never move again and left.

Jensen broke. Never before had he felt like that. Not back when he had been a teenager and had wanted to take his life. Not in Toronto when the prequel gate happened or in its aftermath. Not in North Carolina, not when he had gotten the diagnosis. Everything inside him shattered into a million tiny pieces and desperation like never known before washed over him, drowning him and taking him away to a land of darkness and shadow.

***

Jensen guessed, had it not been for Annie, he probably wouldn't have made it through the night. She injected him with a light sedative and called Danneel, who was his emergency contact and came as soon as possible while Teresa was watching over him. Not that he could have done anything stupid anyways, because Jensen was petrified, not only by the attack, but most of all by the shock of what Jared had done to him.

“Jared called, even before Annie,” Danneel said carefully, and Jensen flinched. He wasn't sure if he could even bear to hear that name ever again, let alone think of him. Jared, who had promised him forever and had left just like that. “He sounded devastated. What happened, honey?”

It was far too cruel to tell, the thought about what had happened numbing him and Jensen only shook his head. “Can't,” he stuttered, wondering if now his speech was affected, too. It could happen with MS. “Too cruel.”

“Maybe you can tell me later?” Danneel combed her fingers through Jensen's sweaty hair. “I know it'll be hard, but it'll make you feel better, I know it will.” It was funny, Jensen thought, how Danneel was a good friend now they had long gone separate ways. A while ago, she had even apologized for her horrible behavior with the Mary and John prequel, a TV show that had never happened in the end.

“Maybe,” Jensen pressed out, hiding his face in the pillow and trying to calm his breathing, while his insides were in a turmoil. Jared had left him. Just like that, without batting an eyelash. He really had dropped him, noticing what he was getting into with dating a man with advanced MS and attacks that made him cry in pain. He hadn't loved him enough. It had all been a lie. A masquerade. The serenading, the touches, the kisses. His hand on his belly, the gentle caresses, the softly spoken words. Fake, not real. Tears welled up in his eyes, splashing into the pillow. It still smelled of Jared and the realization made Jensen cry even harder.

Danneel laid down next to him, combing her fingers through his hair, up and down, in comforting gestures, but all Jensen could think of was how it should have been Jared, not Danneel, and it hurt so much, took his breath away, made him sick and dizzy in the worst possible way. “Kill me, Dee. I want it to end,” Jensen pleaded. “'m broken. Shattered into a thousand little pieces. Pathetic.” He knew he was, should face it like a man, fight and beat it, like so many other people around the world with MS, but they hadn't lost their Jared, had they?

“You must be in a very dark place now, honey, but I know you'll be better. And we need you in our lives. Your mom and dad. Mac and Josh, all your nieces and nephews. Most of all, JJ, Arrow and Zep. Me. Don't you leave us.” She kissed his temple and wrapped her arm around his chest, just slightly, because she knew how sensitive Jensen was when he was this sick. “Get some rest.”

***

When Jensen woke up, Danneel was still there and Jared was still gone. He wouldn't come back. Just the pain and the tears, the desperation and the loneliness that took a hold of him again at once. The hole Jared had left and that couldn't be filled. The disappointment and betrayal. Jared had been his friend. His best friend and brother forever. How could he have left him like that? Tears welled up again. So many tears, so much pain, worse than the pain his sickness caused. Worse than the panic that he couldn't feel his legs, and the realization that he probably wouldn't walk again, not even tiny, weak steps.

“Honey.” Danneel smiled, pressing a straw against his chapped lips and only now, as Jensen took the first sip, did he realize how drained he was. Dry and empty, like a dried out well. His life had been sucked out, as if a vampire had sucked out his blood. Once the glass was empty, Danneel's hand was on his cheek, moving over the flesh tenderly. “'m so sorry that happened to you.”

“You know?”

“Jared called again while you were sleeping. We had a good long talk, honey. He was very honest with me. What he did is inexcusable but he still cares so much about you, Jensen. I don't want to defend him, but um, he's hurting, too and if you -”

“What side are you on?” Jensen snarled, suddenly feeling a flame of anger burning inside him. How could Danneel of all people defend Jared like that?

“I'm on the side that wants to see you happy, Jensen. I didn't know Jared had these feelings for you.” How could she? For most of his life, Jensen hadn't known it himself. “And I didn't know you had it that bad for Jared, honey. I should have known, having seen you toge-”

“Stop it!” Jensen brought his hands to his ears. He could barely move them, the spasm having hit him hard, the hands claws instead of five pretty fingers. “I can't,-” he released a shaky breath. “I'll never get over him if you start telling the tale of the epic love story of Jared and Jensen. It was all a dream, Dee.”

“I doubt it, honey. He'll come back to you.”

12

Spring moved to summer and summer to a very chill, rainy autumn, but Jared didn't come back. Day by day, Jensen tried to get by. The legs stayed palsied and when the next attack hit him, his hand stayed claws, and he needed to employ a nurse to help him feed, shower and dress, because Jensen couldn't do it on his own anymore. He lost even more weight, was scarily skinny, having less than half the calories an adult of his height should have. 

Danneel came more often than in the past year, at least once a week, her expression full of sadness when she watched her ex-husband struggling so much, despite the new electric wheelchair. His legs lost most of their muscles and his mental health was worse than ever before. He looked grotesque, with the crippled hands and the birdlike, bowed legs and whenever Jensen looked into a mirror for longer than absolutely necessary, he felt anger welling up, despite knowing that it was no one's fault. Jared's name sort of became a taboo. Jensen was quite sure that Danneel and Jared were in touch, talking about him, but she never once mentioned him. 

In November, Jensen was bored out of his wits and played with his new voice-operated remote control and stumbled over a report about some movie premiere. And there was Jared, as handsome as ever, with a beautiful young woman on his arm. Barely thirty, exactly Jared's type, delicate, tiny, brunette and skinny, exotic, quite definitely from South America and far more beautiful than Genevieve had ever been. His hands were on her, on her waist and around her back, on her face and he was looking at her like she was the only person who mattered for Jared. It shouldn't hurt so much, but it did and Jensen left the room, the picture of Jared and the woman burnt into his retina, his eyes blurred with tears.

In December, a few days before Christmas, another attack hit him, so worse that Jensen needed to be hospitalized. He spent the loneliest Christmas ever, yet, one of the assistant doctors mentioned a clinic that specialized in MS treatment and Jensen decided to give it a try. He couldn't go on like that. He was so weak and not only his legs were palsied, but his hands often were, too. He needed help, other treatment methods, meds that helped him get better, not worse. 

The facility was in North California, more a hotel than a clinic. He was like everyone else there, he called himself Ross, and no one noticed that he had been Jensen Ackles in another life.

Three weeks after Jensen had started treatment with new meds, he noticed little changes. He had gained a few pounds, and, even more importantly, his hands were a little better. He could move them, place them flat on the table and, though they were shaking often, he could take cutlery and guide it to his mouth, dress and wash himself, even though it took more than twice as long as in the past. His new regained independence lightened his spirits, just like the camaraderie in the clinic. It helped being with people who shared his fate. Most were women, as MS was more common with women than with men. Sophie, five years younger than him, was far worse than Jensen. She had already lost her eyesight, could move even less and her speech was slurred. Yet, she loved her life. She said a lot of very wise things, and without knowing it, she gave Jensen hope.

***

“Ross?” Birdie, who was the nurse responsible for his ward, came into the room where Jensen had just finished PT. “You've got a visitor.”

While Jensen was wondering who that could be, Kyle helped him get dressed and back into his wheelchair. Sometimes, Jason or Steve would drop by unannounced and while Jensen would never play the guitar again, he still liked to hang out with his old friends, singing to their new songs softly or just catching up. Curious, Jensen moved his electric wheelchair back to his room. His hands were better, but he was realistic here. He wasn't strong enough to wheel himself, and if he didn't gain weight and strength and his hands stayed like they were, he probably never would.

Once he had arrived at his room, he opened the door with a press to the button, the electric door slowly sliding open. As Jensen wheeled in, his visitor got up, looking sheepishly down at him in all his six foot four inches glory. 

“Jared.” Jensen pressed out, a thousand emotions crashing over him. It was far worse than a year ago, because now that horrible day when Jared had left him was standing between them. Just like after the prequel gate, there was a wall, yet now, it was far bigger than the Berlin Wall, it was the Chinese Wall, strongly built and indestructible, at least that's what Jensen thought. He wanted to feel Jared around him so badly, but how could he ever trust him again and let him into his life, after what he had done?

“Gosh Jen,” Jared pressed out between his lips, hiding his face in his hands, definitely shocked by his condition. “Danneel told me you're worse, but I-”

“You should have seen me a month ago, Jared, after Christmas,” Jensen announced dryly. “I couldn't even move my hand to wipe my ass. You were right to run away. I became a nursing case far sooner than anyone could have imagined,” Jensen spat out, not sugarcoating it one bit, his lips forming into what he hoped was an ugly and hateful grimace.

Jared flinched, but Jensen ignored it. “Is that why you're here, Jared? To make sure that you made the right decision, throwing me away? You won the jackpot Jared, and I lost. I never got the feeling in my legs back and my hands are almost as worse. I'm really bound to this wheelchair now. A breathing skeleton in wheels,” Jensen spat out with venom in his voice.

Jared looked as if Jensen had punched him and the evil part of him was glad that his words had caused this look, because he wanted to hurt and punish Jared after the pain Jared had caused him with his actions. “Jen -” Jared sighed, sounding pleading, almost pathetic.

“I think you've lost the right to Jen me when you turned your back on me, Jared. Just go away. I don't want to see you ever again.” Once again, it was evil Jensen speaking. He had the upper hand now. Kind, lonely Jensen at least wanted to give Jared a chance.

“Jen-sen,” Jared stuttered. His expression wasn't neutral anymore, but shocked and full of pain and what Jensen thought might be self-hate. “You don't mean that. I never should have left,” he tried to defend himself. “I was hurting. Grieving for Gen.”

“You threw me away like a broken toy, Jared!” Jensen yelled and just like almost a year ago, something inside Jensen broke. Something he had worked hard on to fix, though never really managed to mend. “Do you know how that made me feel? Still makes me feel? There are no words for it, Jared. No words. You broke me. And now you came back for what? To stomp on the small remains I managed to get together, for my kids' sake? To gloat at your once best, now horribly crippled friend?” Jensen took a deep breath, feeling as if he had been running for miles and miles and needed a break. “Well, congratulations. You managed it, Jared. Stomping and gloating. But now you can leave. Be happy with your new girlfriend. Be Walker. Or whatever. Make money. Be a dad for your kids. But us? Jared and Jensen? It was never love, never friendship. It was all a lie. And you made that very clear with the way you disposed of me the second things got too rough for you.” All the desperation and doubts broke out of Jensen and he felt like being on the verge of tears, yet forbidding himself to cry them. He wouldn't cry in front of Jared.

Taking in a sharp, hurting breath, Jared looked as if Jensen had slapped him in the face. Not that he could. Gone were the days where he could hurt with hands and feet. Now, he only could hurt with snarky comments and evil words. “You don't mean that, Jen,” Jared said softly, his voice shaky, his eyes big and glassy. “I know you're mad, have every right to be upset, but it was love and friendship.” He opened a bag, pulling out a huge album. “That's our story, Jen. Remember the photos we sorted? This album is full of them, of us, telling a story about friendship and love. It wasn't a lie. It was the truest and best thing that ever happened to me and I knew I had thrown it away the moment I stepped out of your house.”

Jensen was overwhelmed with emotions, good and bad ones, fighting against each other. Part of him wanted to ask Jared why it had taken him so long to come back, the other part wanted to hurt him real bad, for hurting him so much. 

In the end, Jensen did neither. He just sighed, moved his wheelchair close enough to the table where Jared had put the leather bound album and opened the first page of the album with his shaking, uncoordinated hand. A much younger, happier version of himself smiled at Jensen, his head leaning against Jared's shoulder. His heart skipped a beat as he realized how much he missed his friend. Almost as badly as having control over his body. But how could he let Jared into his life again after what he had done to him? The betrayal had been massive, the wound it had left too deep. It hadn't really fully healed yet. Sometimes, Jensen still dreamed of it, of how Jared had left him like that, without blinking, without really saying goodbye.

“Jared, I -” Jensen stuttered, his hands shaking heavily now, his throat scratchy. “How can I ever trust you again? How can I ever let you into my life again?”

“Jensen.” It sounded like a sob, and there were tears hanging in Jared's eyes. He looked lost, like a kicked puppy, all alone in the world but how could Jensen ever forget what Jared had done? The photos were only memories of another life, when he was whole and healthy, not weakened and crippled by MS. Compared to now, he had been good when Jared had left. If he had not endured being with Jensen a year ago, how could Jared bear being with him now, as he was so much worse?

He couldn't do that now. Facing Jared and making a decision about their future. He was in a turmoil, so many emotions bubbling inside, threatening to overwhelm him. “Can you come back? Tomorrow? I'm drained, Jared. Fatigued. And I-,” Jensen's eyes blurred, “this is a lot, Jared.”

“Of course I'll come back tomorrow, Jensen. Get some rest.” He touched Jensen's shoulder briefly, forcing a smile onto his face, though Jensen noticed it was fake, only plastered onto his lips. He still knew Jared so well, his ex best friend, and probably, it was the same the other way round. But was it enough? “Take care, Jen.”

The door was closed, and Jensen released a shaky breath. A tear slipped down his cheek, the emotions crashing down on him. Seeing his best friend again so unexpectedly, the look of horror on Jared's face when he had seen the condition Jensen was in, yet also mixed with hope and warmth in the hazel eyes. 

“He came to see you,” Jensen said loudly. “All the way from Austin.” He opened a random page of the album, smiling when he saw a photo of Jared, himself and their wives, somewhere in Italy, Jared and Jensen glued together at the hip, not looking at their respective spouses, but at each other, glowing with love and happiness. This album was their story. When Jensen opened one of the last pages, he noticed that they were empty. It took him a bit of effort, but eventually, he found the first empty page. A post-it was fixed on it.

The last pages are for the next chapter in our story, Jen.

I know I screwed up big big time, but I also know that

the story of Jared and Jensen isn't over yet.

There are still many chapters to write.

“Maybe you're right, Jare,” Jensen whispered, hope chasing the doubt away. For many years, Jensen had had faith in his best friend. Maybe Jared at least deserved the benefit of the doubt. Probably, they deserved it both.

***

A soft knock announced a visitor and for a moment, Jensen hesitated to answer. He was still drained, the many hours of therapy taking their toll on him. He knew it first had to get worse before it got better, but it still was frustrating, feeling as weak as a newborn kitten. It would be better if Jared just left. Yet, if he saw him like that, bound to the bed, in a state almost as worse as when the attack hit him, Jensen would see if he was being honest, whether he shied away or not. “Come in.”

The door opened and the first Jensen saw was a bunch of flowers. Tulips and daffodils, the colors bright and colorful like a rainbow, giving comfort and high spirits. A moment later, Jared was standing in his room, tall and more beautiful than ever before, looking sheepish, out of place in this clinic full of sick people. “Hey Jensen.” Just like yesterday, he couldn't hide the shock in his face but he didn't shy away, stepping closer until he was towering over Jensen.

Never before had Jensen felt so small and ashamed of his crippled body and he turned his head away, closing his eyes, pressing his face into the pillow.

“Jensen, hey.” Jensen didn't see a thing, hiding from Jared, wishing he would just go away, but he heard him pull the chair closer to the bed, sitting down there and placing the bunch of flowers on Jensen's nightstand. He could actually smell it, the typical fragrance of tulips, of mild spring days and life waking up after it had slept during the winter. “Would you please look at me, Jensen?”

Jensen didn't. How could he look at his stunning face and the perfectly healthy, lean and muscled body when he himself was a bundle of skin and bones, tired and weak? He would probably only see relief that Jared had gotten rid of him the moment it had gotten hard.

“Jensen, you have every right and reason to be mad at me but please, look at me.”

For a while, Jensen stayed silent, hiding from his old best friend, yet still feeling very exposed and vulnerable. Despite asking Jared to come yesterday and inviting him in just minutes ago, he wasn't sure if he could bear Jared's company. Again, two sides fought, the one that wanted to be with Jared, that missed him so badly and the other that was still so upset, so horribly disappointed and devastated about what Jared had done. Then though, Jensen remembered an autumn day over four years ago. Back then, it had been Jensen who had pleaded to give their friendship another chance and Jared who had given him that chance. Back then, Jensen had been sure that if ever a friendship was worth saving, it was theirs. 

Carefully, Jensen turned his head and opened his eyes. The shock was gone, replaced by a look Jensen had seen countless of times in Jared's features when they had been together; fondness, admiration, affection. Maybe even love.

“Here he is.” Smiling gratefully, he pressed two fingers against Jensen's wrist briefly. “Hey. You're not feeling too good today? Is it okay that I'm here?”

Jensen shrugged, still feeling a little unsure. “I guess it is.” Now that Jared was so close, Jensen could see that gray was meanwhile dominating his hair, though makeup tried to conceal it by dyeing it regularly. He smelled differently, of a new aftershave, his stubble was only two days old and everything about him was as elegant and stunning as ever.

“You looked at the photos?” Jared tilted his head towards the direction of the nightstand, where the album was occupying most of the space.

“As good as I could.” His fingers were petrified, crooked, ugly, unmovable. He had to call a nurse if he had to visit the bathroom, and someone had to feed him his lunch. It was humiliating and he wasn't sure if he would ever get used to it.

“Your poor hands.” For a moment or two, Jared's hands hovered above Jensen's, unsure if it was okay to touch, if he was allowed to, and Jensen himself didn't know if the touch was welcome or not. Yet, when it happened, when Jared cupped Jensen's crippled hands with his own and curled his warm fingers around the crooked limbs, it caused something. A deep pain in his abdomen spread from there, tightening his chest, constricting his throat and burning his eyes. “Can you feel that?”

“Barely. But I can see it, Jare.” Just like that, friendship and love had won. This was Jared and him, Jared and Jensen, and if ever someone deserved another chapter in their lives, it was them.

“How about we look at them together?” Jared asked, his hand now hovering above the album. “Page by page. Year by year.”

“I would love that, Jared. But um, you have to -”

Jared brushed it away, even before Jensen had finished his sentence. “It's okay. I don't mind, Jen. I won't shy away from you ever again,” he promised, helping Jensen to prop up, holding him like a professional. It was clear that he was experienced with nursing. “So, here we are.” Jared sat down on the side of Jensen's bed, placing the album on Jensen's thighs, opening it for him and doing his hand's job, turning page after page. Every page told a story. About two young men, working hard yet living their life's dream. Becoming friends, partners in crime, soul mates. Jared and Jensen against the world. Room mates, groomsmen. Ignoring and pretending what they were really feeling for each other. Now Jensen knew, he could see the love in Jared's eyes too, in the little touches, in the way he leaned into Jensen. He remembered it, his love. Laughter and tears. Everlasting hugs, nights on the couch, drinking and falling asleep next to each other, the other's body meaning home. The sight of his young, happy and healthy self took Jensen's breath away. Handsome, attractive and full of joy. Smiling and glowing all the time. Mostly confident, prospering thanks to a co-star who had sort of worshiped the ground Jensen had walked on.

Suddenly, Jensen started to cry and there was nothing he could do against it as big transparent blotches ran down his cheek.

“Let me hug you, Jen,” Jared offered gently, already leaning closer to welcome Jensen in his arms again.

“You'll just run away again,” Jensen managed to squeeze out between two sobs.

“No, I promise, I'll never run away again.”

Jensen couldn't really believe it, but he needed comfort and Jared was there, offering it. Tentatively, Jensen leaned a little closer, and then, he was back in Jared's arms, from one moment to the next. Wrapped into 6’4 of Padalecki, his arms still so strong, even after all those years, his voice soft as he whispered soothing nothings into Jensen's ears, promises that he had learned his lesson, that he knew he had done a huge mistake and that he would never leave him ever again. 

“I'm so, so sorry, Jen,” Jared whispered, his breath ghosting over Jensen's neck, causing goosebumps on his skin. “For leaving like that. For hurting you like that. For being such a crappy friend. For disappointing you like that, and for marooning you. I promise, it'll never happen again.”

Sobbing and sniffing, Jensen let Jared's words sink in. It was good to hear his apologies and even better was the realization that he really was genuine. It took Jensen a while to calm down, his heart hammering heavily against his chest, his throat dry and his face hot. Withred, puffy eyes, he looked at Jared, still seeing nothing but fondness.

“I'll never run away again.” Jared placed his hand against his own chest. “I'll never again shy away from you, Jen. Please let us write that new chapter together.” Jared sounded so genuine as he took his vow and despite his anxiety to be left alone again and his broken faith in Jared, Jensen wanted to believe him. Real bad. He needed his Jared in his life again.

“Let's try to write it, Jare.”

***

Jared came once a week, mostly on Sundays. He always brought something. An audio book, flowers or a parlor game. During the third visit, he took Jensen's hands, massaging the fingers that were even worse since Jensen had been hit by another attack. Thanks to the new meds, the attack had not been as draining as in the past, but not unavoidable. He massaged the crippled fingers with a gentleness that took Jensen's breath away, and something that had started healing with his first visit and the many memories got even better.

The Sunday after that, Jared touched Jensen's torso again, first placing his hand against Jensen's heart before he let it glide over the ribcage and covered the belly that was nothing but a deep dale between hip bones. Up and down, round and round Jared's fingers went and tears filled his eyes. “You have to eat, Jen. I can't have you starve in front of my eyes.”

“'m just not hungry, Jare. Maybe it's the meds or a head thing. Not sure. A lot of people with MS actually gain weight but I -” Everything tasted like ash in his mouth and it was even worse when someone else fed him.

“It worries me the most, Jen. Freaks me out, far more than your palsied legs and cramped fingers. I remember someone who loved to eat. Who never said no to a burger, steak or pie, to a chocolate bar or a scoop of ice-cream.” He patted his flat abdomen with an unbelievable gentleness. “Remember the times you were a little chubby?” Jensen groaned because how could he have forgotten. “I loved it, Jen.” Jensen remembered; those pics of him playing soccer shirtless had come up, and Jared had placed his hand against his tummy, just like now, palming the little love handle and telling him that it was nothing to be ashamed of, that it was soft and adorable. He had hugged him and told him that it didn't matter, that he'd always love him, even if he had 600 lbs. Now he barely weighed 100 lbs, and was close to forced-tube feeding. “I'm not saying you need it back but,” Jared sniffed, wiping a tear from his eyes. “Please try to eat more.” Without asking, Jared crawled into Jensen's bed. “Please Jen. I can't let you starve.”

There was nothing Jensen could say. All he did was close his eyes, concentrating on the warm, mesmerizing dance of Jared's beautiful, long and healthy fingers over this skinny belly, hoping against better judgment that he could have this until his dying day. Jared's hand on his abdomen, no matter if it was chubby like all those years ago or as skinny as now. He let himself cuddle by a friend he had believed to have lost, feeling grateful and cherished.

The weekend after, Jensen was worse than he had been in a while. It was a proof of friendship that Jared didn't shy away, that he stayed with him during lunch, not only cutting the meat for him, but feeding him, spoon by spoon and fork by fork, until, for the first time in almost a year, the plate was empty. Jensen was beyond tears that day, but in a way, Jared seemed to notice that it was a big thing, for both of them, because once the plate was cleared away, Jared helped Jensen get settled on the small couch, putting his head against his shoulder and holding the clawed hands. After a while, he brought Jensen into a position he had long missed; his head on Jared's lap, one hand on Jensen's head, massaging the scalp, the other on his abdomen. There was a tiny curve because the stomach was well filled for once, and Jared tickled it gently, as if the fond movement could make it grow. Jensen didn't want to jinx it, but it felt like real friendship, like Jared and Jensen had been and were supposed to be.

***

When Jensen was released from the clinic at the end of March, after almost twelve weeks of treatment, it was not the kids who joined Danneel to bring him home, but Jared. He had spared no costs nor efforts, chartering a private plane for them, so that Jensen could return to Colorado in peace and quiet. When Danneel suggested that she would stay for a week or two, it was Jared who shook his head, saying that he would do it. It was as if Jared wanted to prove that he had only good intentions and sometimes, Jensen wondered if it was real, if Jared really meant it, still not sure if he could trust him again. Yet, on most days, he didn't overthink it. He just took Jared's presence as the gift it was and day by day, they grew a little closer.

“How about we go outside for our siesta today, Jen?” Jared suggested after Teresa had cleared away the plates from lunch, a very tasty lasagna with a mixed salad. It was a very mild day for mid April in the mountains, the sun shining down not only bright but very warm.

Jensen agreed, moving his electric wheelchair through the living-room, waiting for Jared to open the patio doors. His hands were bad today, so bad that Jared had to call the on-call nurse in the morning who helped Jensen with his personal hygiene, because he couldn't do it himself. Yet it had been Jared who had fed him during breakfast and lunch, a hand on his shoulder, making sure that he finished the whole portion. “Let me call Patrick to he-”

“Shut up, Jen,” Jared said gently. “I can help you out of your wheelchair, too. Unless -” He bit his lips. “You want Patrick to do it.” Jared sat down on the sunlounger, placing his hands on Jensen's thighs, the material of the sweatpants very soft against his skin. “I know how hard this is for you. Needing someone who helps you with bathing, with going to the loo, with cutting your food and eating it. And I understand that it's not particularly something you want to have your friend involved in. But I don't mind, Jen. I don't mind helping you get dressed and undressed, brushing your teeth for you, cutting your food and least of all, I don't mind taking you in my arms and helping you out of the wheelchair. You know I wouldn't even mind helping you get clean. Yet, the most important thing is that you keep your dignity in a situation like that, Jen. So, if you rather have Patrick to do it, I'll go get him.”

“No,” Jensen objected. “It's good. It's better when you do it, Jare.” It was the truth. Whatever Jared did, it was always spiced with the friendship and respect he felt for Jensen. And of course, he loved being wrapped in Jared's arms.

“Okay then.” He got up, sliding one arm beneath the knees and one around Jensen's torso, picking him up. Their eyes met and carefully, as if it was a very valuable freight, Jared placed Jensen on the sunlounger. “You're still far too lightweight, Jen.” Jared moved his hand along his hairline and the outline of his haggard face.

He smiled sadly, reaching out his clawed hand, matching the gesture, the back of the immobile fingers caressing Jared's face. “It takes time, Jare. It's better since you've been with me.” It was the truth. Being with Jared gave him strength, his spirits were higher. Besides, Jared not only meant home and friendship, but food. He often fed him with a slice of apple, a piece of chocolate, a homemade cookie or a piece of pie. Never too much, just little bits and pieces, adding to the small, yet steadily growing portions he had for the main meals. “'m quite sure I gained some pounds.” He placed his clawed hand on his belly. It gave him the creeps himself, feeling his skinny body, all the bones, especially the ribcage, with every rib clearly visible. A shiver ran through his body.

“You cold?”

Jensen was often cold nowadays. It had come with weight loss, and with moving so little. “A little.”

“Let me get you a blanket, Jen.” There were two or even three blankets scattered around the  living-room, and Jared got the first he found, made from a fluffy, soft material in a deep green that matched Jensen's eyes very well. He wrapped Jensen up into the blanket, from shoulder to toe.

“Would you? I mean, if you don't mind?” They hadn't cuddled that much yet since Jared had been back in his life. Jared had held himself back, not wanting to crowd Jensen, and Jensen had been very reluctant to ask for cuddles, because a tiny part inside was still so scared that Jared would leave again, and it would be so much worse if they were physical close again, too, because it was what he missed the most.

“Jen. Gosh.” Jared moved his hands over his face. “I know I screwed up big time but I will never mind having you in my arms and giving you some cuddles.” Without hesitation, Jared joined Jensen on the narrow sunlounger, sliding as close as possible, before curling his arms around him and making sure that he was safely tucked against his side. “You warm now?” Jared asked, moving his hands up and down Jensen's arm and torso.

“Yeah. Very warm. This here?” Jensen smiled, his eyes on half-mast so that Jared couldn't see how touched he was. “It's good. I haven't felt so good for a year, Jared.”

“Yeah, it's perfect.” Jared pressed his lips against Jensen's temple, not briefly, but for a few heartbeats. “Is it okay if I tell you now? The reason I left?”

Once again, Jensen was torn in two. Not wanting to hear any of it, but also needing to hear it and the latter got the upper hand, also because he noticed how important it seemed for Jared. “Okay, Jare. I'll listen.”

Listen he did, about Jared's pain and troubles, when Genevieve was dying, slowly but surely, destroyed by cancer and by pain. About the shock, when Jared found out about Jensen's MS. Emotions fighting inside him, love and loyalty, against fear. In the end, fear won. “When I saw the attack hitting you, Jen, when I heard you cry in pain, I was back at the hospice. Once more, I saw Gen die, but this time, it was you, not the woman I loved but the man I loved so much more. A short-circuit hit me. I couldn't think straight, I had to go away. I just couldn't do it again, watching someone so close to my heart suffer like that, getting weaker and sicker by the day. I regretted it more or less the moment I stepped out of your house, Jen, but I was too weak to return. All I could do was call Danneel and keep you in my thoughts and in my heart.”

“Why took you so long to return?”

Jared had the answer ready at once. “I needed time, Jen, to be sure. To be strong enough to be with you. To understand that it was different than with Gen. I missed you every day, and every day, it got harder to be away. Every day I realized a bit more that while your condition is massive, it's not what should define you and least of all, us. You're enough, just like I am enough, Jen.” He placed his hand above Jensen's heart, rubbing over his chest. “I hate seeing you hurt. When you love, you want the people you love to be the happiest they can be and I know you aren't. I know you're suffering, on several levels and I need you to get back to who you were before the diagnosis, Jen. Minus your mobility, but I want to make sure that you're as good as you can be under the circumstances.”

Jensen nodded and suddenly, he realized something. Just like back then, after the prequel gate, Jared was hurting like Jensen had been hurting, too. What Jared had done had been a horrible betrayal, far worse than what had happened then, but with doing so, he had hurt and punished himself, too. “You noticed that in the end, seeing me hurting is still less painful than not having me in your life? That you'll gladly stay with me, through the pain, and watch my body fail, rather than not being friends?”

“Exactly,” Jared admitted, without hesitation, moving his hand up and curling it around Jensen's neck.

“Where does that leave us, Jared?”

“Brothers and friends, I hope. And maybe,” he moved the hand further up, cupping Jensen's head and combing his fingers through his hair, “more, if you are ever ready and if you can forgive me.”

“You want that?” It was hard to believe. He had nothing to offer Jared apart from a frail body and sad moods. “What about your arm candy?”

Jared chuckled. “Her name is Luciana. And while she is a great girl, she is a tad too young for me and um, I think, in the future, I would rather be with someone who has other qualities. Someone with a very big heart, stunning emerald eyes, freckles, bowed palsied legs and the most beautiful smile ever seen. Someone to cuddle with. To carry to the end of the world, if he lets me.”

Jensen of course understood that Jared was talking about him, but he didn't act on it. Not yet. It was still too early. One day, he would forgive Jared, just like Jared had forgiven him, and later, he would love him like earlier, maybe even more, because if he stayed, it meant not shying away from his failing body, but right now, Jensen still needed some space. Yet, he already loved Jared enough to place his own hand against Jared's heart and cuddle as close against him as possible. When Jared brought his other hand around Jensen, to pull him into a horizontal hug, it was the start of another chapter in their book.

13

“Remember my family's cabin?” Jared asked while massaging Jensen's legs with a fine smelling oil. Clive had shown him what he could do to stimulate the legs and hands, and whenever Jared dropped by to visit Jensen, which happened almost every week, Jared did just that. Without even asking, sooner or later Jared would disappear into the room where Jensen had his PT sessions and return with the bottle of massage oil a few minutes later, helping Jensen out of the sweatpants he always wore at home and working on the legs.

“Yeah.” A melancholic smile flitted over Jensen's lips as he remembered their ride with Baby. It had only been five years, yet sometimes Jensen felt as if a century had passed, the difference between his life then and his life now overwhelming.

Up and down Jared's fingers moved, pressing into sinews and muscles. Not that Jensen felt much, just a slight gentle caress, but he felt the result combined with new meds and a different treatment; a hint of mobility had come back. “I've been wondering if you'd like to spend the summer there with me, Jen,” Jared asked, looking at Jensen, hope in his eyes. “Another ride with Baby. Just you and me, nature and campfire, fishing, walks for me, wheelchair-rides for you.”

Skeptically, Jensen was looking at his hands, wondering if they could even hold a fishing rod ever again. He looked at the palsied legs and the wheelchair he needed to move, quite sure that his handicap would prevent Jared from doing the things he would normally do. He looked at his still horribly skinny body that really was not nice to look at; just the thought of showing it seemed an affront to Jared's eyes. “Jare, I um -”

“Shh.” Jensen stopped in his movements, placing his finger against Jensen's lips. He instantly tasted the aroma of the massage oil. “I know what you want to say. Gosh, I can almost see the wheels in your mind turning, man. You're probably wondering about accessibility and what will happen, if you're worse. You're scared of spoiling the whole thing. Afraid that your condition will be a burden and probably half a dozen other things that make you self-conscious.” He fixed his eyes on Jensen's torso and his hand followed his gaze, giving the thin abdomen a gentle rub. “Don't think so much. The rooms are big enough to maneuver the wheelchair, Jen. And um, if you don't mind me carrying you upstairs to your bedroom, if you trust me enough to do this, we'll be fine.”

Of course Jensen trusted Jared enough to carry him. It was just one further step on their road together. “My bedroom?”

Jared's smile lit up. “Our bedroom. I've long been ready to share the bed with you again.” He let his hand glide over his waist and hip bone, down Jensen's loin and along his thigh, causing a wildfire on his skin, heat bubbling and tingling. “So, that a yes?”

Jensen was still a little worried, but Jared was looking expectantly at him, and how could Jensen deny Jared that? Jared who had been such a wonderful friend and companion in the last months and had done simply everything to make amends for his horrible behavior. And if things went on well, it could bring them even closer together. “That's a yes, Jare.” Propping himself up, Jensen bought his arms around Jared for a hug. “Thank you.”

Jared's arms sneaked around Jensen instantly. “Nothing to thank me for, Jen.” He held him for a bit, moving his hands up and down his back, caressing back, neck and head and kissing his cheek. “We'll have the time of our lives.”

***

With a sigh of melancholy, Jensen let Jared help him get comfortably settled in the Impala, watching him as he stored his wheelchair in her trunk, followed by their luggage and bags with food. Emotions overwhelmed Jensen as he was thinking of their last ride with Baby, and the lump in his throat grew thicker. Then though, Jared flashed him a smile. Thousand watts, dimples deep, teeth white, simply stunningly beautiful and suddenly, Jensen understood something. Nothing much had changed. Back then, he had wanted to mend the pieces of their broken friendship, yet had been hopeful; that they would find each other again, that he could give Jared more of him, all of him and that Jared would accept him the way he was. Now, Jensen was hoping for the same. It was this hope that chased the melancholy away, that made him return Jared's smile and place his hand above Jared's on the steering wheel the moment after he had turned the ignition. He would never be able to drive Baby again, but he still could feel her purr, her movements and the steering wheel beneath his hands and the hands of the man he loved.

***

The road to Upstate New York was long, but it had never been up for discussion to fly. Once they had started to make plans, it had been a given to take a ride with Baby and when Jensen had pointed out that Jared would have to do all the driving, Jared had just brushed the argument away, telling him that they weren't in a hurry. They had more than a month. The kids were with Genevieve's parents in Europe, then they would spend two weeks with Jared's parents, and if Jared and Jensen needed more time, Danneel had already promised to take them and go to Hawaii with all of the kids. They were in good hands. Just as Jensen was. Jared stopped frequently, every two hours or so, providing Jensen with so much more than food. Whenever they were alone in the parking area, he massaged Jensen's legs, rubbing warmth into the numb limbs. In general, he was all over Jensen, just like in the past. Other than in the past though, Jared was far more careful, a tenderness in his hugs and touches that sent shots of lightning through Jensen's body.

On the first night, close to the border to Nebraska, it was actually Jared who was a little reluctant to join Jensen in bed. Hovering above him, he had made sure that he had everything, that he was warmly tucked in and comfortable, before standing awkwardly between the two queen beds. His eyes moved from the still untouched red coverlet of his bed to the small mound of white sheets that hid Jensen's body, obviously unsure what he should do. In a way, it made him look like a kid, minus the teddy in his hand, who wasn't sure if he was allowed to climb into his parents' bed or not.

“How about you just crawl in with me, Jare? It's not a big thing between friends like us. You hinted so yourself.”

Jared came a step closer. “No, I guess you're right.” He took another step and another, finally sitting down on the bed, smiling at Jensen fondly as he slipped under the covers. Jensen could feel Jared's presence instantly, just as he could feel his weight on the mattress, the movements when he shifted closer and finally his arms sneaking around him. “It's good.”

“It's perfect, Jay. The best of us.” The memory of a night years ago in a cold cabin was vividly back and in spite of all the mistakes they had done since, it felt even more natural than then, simply because both knew that it was real and right. “Get some rest, Jare.”

Jared smiled, pressing his lips very chastely against Jensen's. Both knew, they weren't ready yet for more, they had to find each other again before that last step. Yet, the kiss felt right, just like sharing a bed, and it sent pleasant tingles through Jensen's body and fanned the candle of hope inside him even more.

***

After five long days of driving, they finally arrived at their destination, a narrow, graveled farm road leading up the slope of a hill, the forest on either side lush and green, rays of light seeping through and birds welcoming them with their happy song. As Jared parked Baby in front of a rustic looking two-storied building, Jensen could already see parts of the lake sparkling in the distance, though an overgrown garden hid most of the view.

“Welcome to Padalecki's holiday resort.” Jared grinned, getting out of the car and, with arms wide open as if he wanted to hug the house, he turned around once to take the sight in. He looked eager and happy, young and carefree, like Jensen hadn't seen his friend for a long time. It was contagious, and Jensen couldn't wait to explore the house and its ground, maybe swimming in the lake or paddling on it, and most of all, the many moments between Jared and him.

Turning his head, Jensen watched as Jared walked to the trunk, getting his wheelchair out, unfolding it and wheeling it over to where Jensen was waiting for him. The sight of the wheelchair often still made Jensen melancholic, yet not today. Today, he took it as it was; an aid that enabled him to move around, something millions of people in the world needed, for several reasons. Grateful, he smiled at Jared when he helped him in, and he didn't object when Jared wheeled him towards the front door. “We'll have a great time, Jay.” Jensen was sure of it, and Jared smiled even wider, if that was possible, letting his hand glide over his chest and tickling his abdomen, luring a little snort out of Jensen's throat.

“The best.” He pressed his hand against Jensen's heart. “Now let me show you around.”

There wasn't that much to see. The cabin was old and as rustic as inside as it looked from the outside. Old beams, blackened from smoke. Small windows that didn't let too much sun in, adorned by plaid curtains. Old-fashioned furniture and lamps, thick with dust, worn rugs on a dark hardwood floor with countless scratches. There were even deer antlers on the wall and it smelled funnily, of moisture and a little rotten. Nevertheless, it was cozy. Curiously, Jensen looked around, and his eyes stuck on a handful of family photos on the wall. He wheeled closer, looking at a much younger Jared, a lively, sassy kid, who really bore extraordinary resemblances to his own boys.

“Jen? I know it's not per-”

“Shut up, Jare,” Jensen cut in very gently. There was no need for excuses. “It's a wonderful retreat. We just have to get rid of the smell and the dust and light the fire, and it will be perfect.”

Jensen moved further into the room. Jared at least hadn't lied about the space. It really was big enough to maneuver his wheelchair, the kitchen part of the generous room, with a counter separating it from living-space. Yet, when he saw the stairs leading to the second floor, it felt like a blow. It was steep and narrow and Jensen wasn't sure if Jared would be able to carry him upstairs.

“Jensen?” Jared's hand was back on his shoulder. “Did you listen to me?”

“No,” Jensen admitted. “I was just wondering how on earth you'll manage to get me up there.” He pointed at the stairs.

“I'll piggyback you, Jen,” Jared explained, not batting an eye-lash. “Don't worry, I'll manage. Now come. How about we get this place clean and everything ready for the next few weeks?”

It was mostly Jared who got the place clean, because Jensen couldn't do too much, though he did what he could do. Storing away the several bags of groceries, wiping the surfaces and opening the windows. The view on the lake was stunning and for a while, he did nothing but look and listen. Eventually, Jared joined him. “Whenever I came here, I was happy, Jen.” He walked over the overgrown grass, unlocked a shed and came back with two sunloungers and covers that smelled a little too musty for Jensen's liking. “Being here was the highlight of the summer.” Jensen watched Jared getting the sunloungers ready, and he carefully helped Jensen onto one of them before he lied down on his own. “Isn't it curious that I never came here with Gen but wanted to take you the moment I mentioned it on our road trip?”

Jensen swallowed, though he wasn't sure what to say, what Jared wanted to say and what it meant.

“I wanted this cabin to be part of our story, Jen,” Jared whispered, as if he was sharing a secret. “And I'm glad it finally became part of our story. I hope it will be a happy place for you, just like it was for me.” He slid a little closer, curling his arm around Jensen and tugging him comfortably against his chest. In the first season, when they had still been new and Jensen had been quite unsure in their friendship, it had amazed him, the way Jared had touched him, how easy it had come to him, being all over him, how comfortable Jared had been doing it, and how normal it had been for Jared. It had taken Jensen quite a long time to peel off his own coyness and to return these touches until they had come as normal for him as for Jared. They conveyed a lot with touches, always had, yet lately Jensen had the feeling it meant more, the way they almost constantly touched. Perhaps it had something to do with having MS, palsied legs and hands that were pretty much unreliable. Or with knowing about each other's real feelings. With a divorce and a funeral. Whatever the reason, it was good.

Today, Jensen's hands weren't too bad so he took Jared's and placed it on his middle before twining their fingers together. For a while, they did nothing but breathe in unison, in and out, sharing the first of many happy memories in a place that was so special for Jared.

***

They had a light dinner, chicken, potatoes and salad and when they were done, they moved back to the sunloungers and watched the sunset together. They didn't say a thing, just let the moment speak for itself, the chirr of the crickets, the hoot of a nocturnal animal, the soft breeze that whispered through the leaves and the sun that painted the smooth surface of the lake in a thousand golden sparkling gems. It got colder, but Jensen didn't really feel it, because Jared held him so close in his arms, rubbing his hand over his arms and torso in continuing caresses.

“Let's go to bed, sweetheart.” Jensen's heart skipped a beat when he heard that endearment. Jared hadn't called Jensen like that for a long time, and it caused Jensen's heart to tumble once before it resumed doing its job a tad quicker and more excitedly. “You just climb on my back and I'll carry you upstairs. I won't let go.”

Jared sat down next to him and although Jensen still wasn't sure if it was a good idea, he slipped his arms around Jared's neck and pressed his body against his back.

“I won't let you go, Jen,” Jared promised again, slipped his hands under Jensen's knees and got up. For a moment he swayed a little, then he walked, not sighing or moaning once. Slowly, carefully, as if he was carrying the most precious freight ever, he crossed the distance until he had reached the stairs, climbing it step by step. Soon, they reached the square landing, only dimly lit by a weak light. The same dark hardwood floor as downstairs and four doors, two of them open. One led to a bathroom, bright tiles shining in the semi-darkness, one to a bedroom. Their bedroom.

Jared stepped into it. It was as semi-dark as the hallway, and all Jensen could see were vague outlines of furniture and the big king-size bed. “Here we are,” Jared announced the obvious, helping Jensen onto the bed. Despite his little weight, it had been quite an effort for his friend, the distance just being a tad too long and the steps a bit too steep.

“Jare, you shouldn't-”

Jared's hands were back on him. “I do it gladly, Jen. Really.” He cupped his face, bringing their foreheads together. “I wouldn't want you to sleep downstairs on the sofa. You deserve to sleep in a real bed, on a soft mattress, in freshly laundered linens and most of all, in the circle of my arms.”

“Princess,” Jensen scolded him gently, while his heart quickened its pace.

“It's the simple truth, Jen. I'm above denial. We're not thirty anymore, closeted and unsure. We're not married anymore. We both know what we feel for each other and I'm not afraid of showing it anymore, Jen. Or of talking about my feelings. So cuddling you? Best thing ever, next to cuddling my kids. Even if we never go this one last step, I'd always want you to be a part of my story and the other way round, sweetheart. All of you. Skinny belly, palsied legs and all.” He underlined his words with a belly rub. “I'll get your wheelchair and lock us in.”

Heart racing, Jensen released a shaky breath, feeling a little dizzy. Jared made him feel like he was worth a million. Like he mattered. Simply amazing. Slowly he stripped himself off, first his tee, then his pants, covering himself with the thin linen and woolen blanket while listening to the sounds Jared made downstairs. Doors, windows and shutters being closed, the wheelchair being folded, the fridge being opened and closed, soft steps walking upstairs.

“Hey.” Dimples in full force, Jared smiled. Had he always looked at Jensen like that? Full of warmth and love? “So, here's your ride and your meds.” He unfolded the wheelchair, wheeling it close enough to the bed so that Jensen could climb in once he was ready for his bathroom visit, and placed the pills and the cool bottle of water on the nightstand. “And here is your pajama.” He announced, tugging one of Jensen's pajamas out of the small closet. It was already filled with their clothes, tees, pants and button downs in either shelves or on hangers. “Need some help?”

“Today was a good day, Jare. I'll be fine. But I wouldn't say no to a massage.”

“'Course you'll get your massage,” Jared replied as Jensen slipped into the pajama top. It was an old one, bought years ago by his mom for a birthday, the material worn and soft, yet it still hung loose. He looked down at himself, swallowing hard. He was ugly, like one of those zombies in The Walking Dead.

“No, you're not, Jen,” Jared said as he sat down next to him, his hand back on Jensen's skinny body. Had Jensen really put his thoughts into a question? “And even if you were, it wouldn't change a thing.” Jared's hand was very warm. “I think you have a distorted picture of yourself, sweetheart. The wheelchair, your hands, the palsied legs, being only skin and bones. But it's the sickness. This here,” the hand moved north, until it covered half of Jensen's chest, “is still unchanged. Your goodness. It's what counts, Jen. You're not ugly, and definitely no zombie. You're still my best friend. Beautiful, inside and outside.

Jensen responded with a sob, feeling very loved and cherished by someone he had been sure he had lost forever. Sometimes, Jensen couldn't believe that Jared was back in his life, not just as an acquaintance, but as his friend and confidant, who didn't even mind taking over the role of caregiver, once in a while.

“You know why I took it?” It had been Jared who had packed most of Jensen's things. “It's the one you wore on our last ride with Baby.”

“Sentimental fool,” Jensen said, yet feeling a strong wave of affection towards Jared.

“Your weight loss worries me, Jen, but it doesn't make me love you less.” His hands wandered back down again, underlining Jared's words with the gentlest belly rub imaginable. “I see how much you try, eating a little more, and I see that you put on some pounds already, and together, we will make sure that you gain some more weight and be as healthy and strong as you can be.” He leaned down and kissed the belly. It was unbelievably sweet and intimate, warm tingly waves erupting inside. “Now let me give you that massage.” He patted his abdomen one last time and got up to rummage for the bottle of massage oil in a small bag as well as a big towel he covered the fresh linens with. Thanks to new treatment, Jensen had gotten some of his feelings in his legs back and he could feel the raw material of the old, unsoftened terry cloth. Like always, Jared rubbed his hands together for warmth before placing them on Jensen's left thigh. Jensen could feel them, their warmth, the calluses, the gentle dance of the fingertips and it almost made him cry. It was so beautiful to feel Jared touching him like that.

With deft hands, Jared started his task, tip of his tongue peeking out, his face a mask of concentration. He was as good as Clive, having learned from him, having done it again and again, but other than Clive, who always stayed professional, Jared of course didn't. He did it for his best friend and therefore, he did it with all his love. Up and down he worked his fingers, and when he reached Jensen's foot he teased the toes, one by one. On really good days, Jensen even managed to move them, and he saw he managed to wriggle them once, causing Jared's face to shine.

Gently, he placed the leg down, taking the right one. “I've never said thank you, Jen,” Jared stated eventually, looking a little sheepish. “For that second chance, you know? God knows I didn't deserve it. You should have tarred and feathered me but instead, you gave me the chance to explain and even more than that, you forgave me. I can't thank you enough for it.”

For a quick moment, Jensen wondered if Jared did all this because he felt obliged to do it, out of a very weird sense of duty, but then he scolded himself for that thought. Jared did it gladly, with all his being, with so much love. Because he wanted to help and make it easier for him.

“If ever a friendship deserved to be saved, Jare, it's been ours. This here? You and me?” Jensen paused, looking at Jared, how he massaged his palsied leg with a matter of course, with the same matter of course Jared had touched him from the beginning. As if it was the most natural, most logical thing in the world doing this for your sick and handicapped best friend. “It's been unique from the start. When and most of all the way you left? It hurt like a thousand blades slicing through my body, Jared. Worse than the real pain I felt, worse than getting the diagnosis, worst than simply everything that has ever happened to me.” Jared kept on massaging his leg, but his pace slowed down a little and his expression changed into very troubled. “But that pain, Jare? It's long gone. The disappointment long forgotten. The crime long forgiven. Once in a while, friendship is painful. Love hurts. My faith in you is back, stronger even.” Jensen propped himself up on one arm, touching Jared's hand with his free hand. “You're a very good guy who made some bad choices. Just like I made some bad choices. In a relationship like ours, we will just hurt each other once in a while, love.” It was the first time Jensen called Jared that and it felt very good. “It doesn't mean we're not meant to be. We are, Jare. No matter how, you and I will always be connected. It's written in our books, it's our story. So, nothing to thank me for, I just made sure that the story gets the good, happy ending we deserve.”

A single tear trailed down Jared's cheek and he looked as if he was just one moment away from breaking down. “Hug?” Jensen offered, and without waiting for Jared's reply, he dug his fingers into Jared's tee, lying back onto the mattress again and tugging Jared with him.

“'m not done yet,” Jared sniffed, referring to his task, yet snuggling close.

“Doesn't matter, love. Cuddling you is more important.” Closing his eyes, Jensen held Jared as tight as he could. His Jared. The man who made him complete. His rock. His savior. “You're still my person, Jare. Always will be.”

“Who's the princess now?” Jared sobbed, his face meanwhile wet with tears. He hid it against Jensen's shoulder.

Jensen let his hands run over Jared's body, and he felt Jared shift, enough to place his hand on his heart and to look into his tearstained face. It was a mess, all red, puffy and snotty. Jared had never been a pretty crier. Yet, it still was Jared, his beautiful goofy Greek God, the man he loved so much it hurt.

14

With sleep-crusted eyes, Jensen woke up, feeling the stiffness in his fingers, like almost every morning. Next to him, Jared was sleeping peacefully, his hand on Jensen's torso. It had been a very emotional night. Eventually, their tears had run dry and they had just lain there together, caressing the other, yet not kissing. Jensen was sure, just like him, Jared knew they would get there again, but not now. It felt as if they were waiting for something, whatever that was. Stupid maybe, but it was like it was and it was good. More than good. It felt so right. After some more time, Jared had resumed massaging Jensen's leg, then his fingers, playing with them oh so gently. Once he was done, he had helped Jensen donning his pajama pants and into his wheelchair. Jensen had made his way to the bathroom alone. Jared had been right. It was surprisingly big, and other than the rest of the cabin, it looked quite new and modern. It wasn't perfect, but it was big enough to get around in his chair and to grant him some sort of independence and privacy, though he would need help getting into the shower or the tub. Not that it was a big thing, asking Jared for help while being naked. There was nothing Jared hadn't seen before.

“Morning sweetheart,” Jared said, moving his hands a little further down, rubbing his belly, sending a wave of happiness through Jensen. Like everything else, the gentle belly rubs were a proof of love. Jared didn't shy away from touching his frail body.

“Morning.” His hands were a little stiff, but still good enough to cup Jared's hand, squeezing it gently.

For a while, they did nothing but slowly wake up, fingers moving lazily over the other's body. It felt unbelievably good and so right. Not strange and alien. Just the next logical step in the long journey of their friendship. They were already partners, just without sex and kissing. Very close at heart.

“We should get up Jare,” Jensen prompted eventually. He needed to go to the bathroom, needed to have a bath or a shower, needed something in his belly, because for the first time in many months, it was growling grumpily now, despite the gentle caresses it received. He wanted to feel the warm summer sun on his skin, maybe try swimming in the lake, if Jared watched over him, and lie in the high grass on a blanket, caressing Jared's skin, all his moles and scars and the dimples with their healing powers. He wanted to rub sunscreen onto Jared's skin, feed him with fresh strawberries and watch Jared parting the smooth surface of the lake with his tanned, strong arms. He wanted to hide beneath the blanket with him, here in their bedroom, like kids on a sleepover would, sharing dreams and secrets. And he wanted to watch more sunsets with Jared, maybe even a sunup or sparkling stars on a deep blue canopy. Whatever he did, he wanted to do it with Jared, wanted to take the days of togetherness as the gift they were and lock every minute of it into his heart.

***

Jared was already splashing in the water when Jensen wheeled himself towards the little pier, made of meanwhile weathered, wooden planks. He had changed into his trunks, the large towel stored in his lap, for once not being ashamed of his body. Jared loved it the way it was and the least Jensen could do was try to love himself just like Jared did love him.

“Hey sweetheart.” Jared pulled himself out of the water, not even using the ladder leading into it and suddenly, Jensen's throat was very dry. How beautiful Jared was. Overwhelming. All muscles and sinews, not one gram of fat anywhere. Broad chest, narrow waist. Golden skin, glistening with countless waterdrops. Two day old stubble, mostly gray nowadays, just like most strands in his hair slowly lost their color. Yet, Jared had never seemed more attractive to Jensen than right now. “You ready to try that?”

Jensen nodded. He had tried swimming with his palsied legs before, at the clinic and once a month in a pool, Clive by his side, and he hadn't drowned. Yet, since his diagnosis, Jensen hadn't done it in a natural lake, where fish kissed his toes, water plants caressed the skin of his legs and where the mud he stirred darkened the water. “'m a little nervous, Jare.”

Going down on his knees, Jared placed his hands on Jensen's legs. “You were a good swimmer when you still could move your legs. I know that you lost muscles in your arms, and that you're a little worried, but I'll take very good care of you. I won't let you drown. Okay?”

“Okay.” Jensen knew he could trust Jared. Suddenly, he found himself in his best friend's arms, being picked up, not like yesterday, but like a dad would pick up their kid or a husband his newly wed wife, being carried a few steps down the pier and without any warning, Jared jumped. The water that enveloped Jensen was ice-cold, and for a fracture of a second panic overwhelmed him, but Jared held him tight and within the glimpse of an eye, Jensen was out of the water, doused, and he looked at Jensen with a happiness and love that once more took his breath away. “You could have warned me, oaf!” Jensen yelled, though his words betrayed his mood, because this? This was great. Carefree. Normal. Just Life.re

“I decided it at the very last moment, Jen.” Jared laughed. “Not sure how else I would have gotten you in. So, ready to swim?”

“I guess. Just don't let go of me completely.”

Slowly, Jared lowered Jensen some more into the water, until he was covered by it almost completely, with only his head peeking out. The water was cool, yet not ice-cold, refreshing in the warm temperatures of the summer day and Jensen got used to it quite quickly. Carefully, he turned around, Jared's arm still beneath him. Instantly, his hand was on his chest, holding him up. It felt like years ago, when Jensen had taught his kids to swim and he felt weirdly emotional by it, knowing that Jared was there to watch over him, just like Jensen had watched over JJ, Arrow and Zep.

“I've got you, Jen. You're safe. Try to swim some strokes.”

Jensen did, Jared by his side. It wasn't too bad, not that different from the pool. Actually, it was better than the pool. The water smelled of nature, not of chloride, Jared was by his side, and the sun was shining down on them, while the cold of the depth caressed his skin. He stopped in his movements, holding himself upright. Jared was beside him and finally, he was quite close again. Like when they cuddled in bed, but he was vertical, not horizontal, and simultaneously, their arms wrapped around each other, holding the other close, cold, wet, naked skin glued together. 

Jensen could feel all of Jared as their crotches rubbed together and while the water was too cold to give any of them a hard on, it was more than intimate. It was hot and a promise of what they could have, even if little Jensen would never stir again in pleasure. Jared's hand moved down his back, cupping his butts in the end and carefully, Jensen did the same. It was very juicy, Jared's butt, like it was made for his hands. “We'll get there, sweetheart,” Jared said patiently, his forehead pressed against Jensen's. “Not yet, but soon. When we're ready.”

It was curious, how they were both on the same page here, knowing that they needed time for that final step, that they had to get to know each other in many other aspects first, before starting the sexual part of their relationship. It was unusual, but Jared and Jensen were unusual, and it seemed right for them to wait. “I know, love.” Jensen moved his hands upwards Jared's strong back, before placing his right one above Jared's heart. “We have time. What we have? What grows stronger every day? It's overwhelmingly good.” Not even sex could feel so good, Jensen thought. Not that he knew. Never once in his life had he had sex that had grown out of love. But he would get there. And even if little Jensen remained lifeless, maybe Jared could still do something good for him and if not, he could still do something good for Jared, with his lips and fingers, if they did what Jensen wanted them to do.

“Jen?” Jared ripped Jensen out of his not very innocent musings. “How about we try swimming side by side? Here in the shallow water? I won't leave your side.”

Jensen knew Jared wouldn't and with regret, he let go of his best friend, gliding back into the water. Jared was with him instantly, reducing his own pace so that he could swim next to Jensen. The attempts were a little feeble at first, but when Jensen noticed that his arms were still strong enough to move him, and that his body didn't drown, he got more confident and he swam back and forth, until his breathing got a little harsher. It was then that Jared stopped him, told him to swim to the pier where he could keep hold on the ladder, while Jared left the lake, bringing Jensen's wheelchair to a spot where the bank wasn't too steep. “I'll just carry you again, sweetheart,” Jared announced as he got back into the water, swimming the ten or so yards to where Jensen was waiting. “And I think I can build something that will make it easier for us to get in and out there. Now come.”

Once again, Jensen curled his hands around Jensen's neck, pressed his chest against Jared's and closed his eyes, because it was unbelievably nice to be carried around like that. Then, he found himself out of the water and back in his wheelchair, the soft, fluffy towel enveloping him suddenly instead of Jared's arms. Hands stroked up and down arms, torso, back and legs, rubbing him dry. Suddenly, Jensen felt very tired and when he mentioned it, he found himself on the sunlounger, a straw pressed to his lips and while Jensen lazily sucked on it, the ice-cold homemade lemonade refreshing him, Jared let his hands glide up and down his body again, covering his sensitive skin with sunscreen. That's how he fell asleep.

***

One day blurred into the next, sixteen hours of blissful consciousness and eight hours of restful sleep. Twenty-four hours that brought Jared and Jensen even closer together, until Jensen really had the feeling that Jared was a part of him. They were glued at the hip, being more or less together constantly. They had quickly adapted some sort of routine, yet no day was the same. There were long walks, where Jared would push Jensen's wheelchair, because it was too strenuous for him to move himself over the rooty ground, being crowned by picnics on little clearings. They really would feed each other with tiny treats, berries, chocolates or fruit, before they laid back on the blanket, their legs entangled, even though Jensen barely felt his, Jared's hand on Jensen's torso and their eyes fixed on the canopy of green leaves, dancing in the summer's breeze and looking even brighter with the steadily shining sun. There were more and longer swims in the lake, Jared always hovering above him, making sure that Jensen was as safe as he could be, though nothing happened, and with every day, Jensen gained some more strength in his shoulders and chest. There were times when they shared companionable silences while reading books or doing crosswords and times when they watched movies they had long known by heart, Jensen's head on Jared's chest or shoulder. There were times for parlor games and puzzles, for preparing their meals together and dining like kings, although it was simple food they mostly cooked. And every night, they curled together on the sunlounger, watching the sunset.

“Remember when we started telling each other our secrets, Jen?” Jared started, placing his hand on Jensen's heart.

How could Jensen ever forget it? It was the beginning of the end, yet still the start of something new and good. Of them. Jared and Jensen as more than just best buddies.

“There's another secret.” He paused, looking at Jensen intensely. “It's always been you. I know that now and I wish I would have noticed it years ago.”

“If you had our kids wouldn’t exist, Jare,” Jensen tried to reason. He loved his kids unconditionally, and wouldn't want to be without them.

“True.” He looked unbelievably guilty. “Still, I wish I would have been braver, you know? More steadfast. Seeing what the really important things in life are, like I do now. It's not money and success or reputation. It's happiness and health.”

Jensen bit his lips, not for the first time wishing that he could still walk, side by side next to Jared, maybe dance with him, climb a hill or run, like they did when they had run to their cabin in that ice-cold, clear November night all those years ago.

“It's all the things that matter, sweetheart.”

“Us?”

“Us, Jen. You and me.” Jared's hand moved up, over Jensen's neck, along the line of his jaw, over his temples and through his hair, down his neck again and over his shoulders, along his side up again, and over his arm, until he twined his fingers with Jensen's. He started messaging the fingers, like every night, before placing a lingering kiss on the back of Jensen's hand. It sent sparkles through Jensen's veins and warmth, and deep down he knew he'd have this for the rest of his life. Jared, holding his hand, making sure that they stayed loose, that Jensen was as happy and healthy as he could be.

***

Even though Jensen would have given everything to stop the time from passing, so that he could stay with Jared like this for the rest of his life, it of course wasn't possible. First, there was his health. He needed to go to the hospital for his treatment, needed PT again, although Jared had done a tremendously good job, and a fresh dosage of pills. They were finally working, and Jensen was making good progress. He had more feelings in his legs, could even move them a little, and his hands hadn't been so good for two years. Thanks to Jared's healthy yet tasty cooking, sweetened with something unhealthy once in a while, he had gained some more pounds. Secondly, there were their kids. Kids who needed their dads, and dads who needed their kids. Thirdly, there was just real life. This bubble of happiness had saturated them with positive vibes, yet Jared and Jensen knew they couldn't stay in that bubble of love and joy forever. The only thing they could do was to keep the memories and hopefully come back to the cabin every year from now on.

“I'll ask my uncle if I can invest some money here and make the place accessible for you, Jen,” Jared said on their last night. Their bags were already packed, the fridge was as empty as they could get it, their tummies filled and for once, Jensen had his hand on Jared's abdomen, caressing it as gently as Jared would caress his.

“Don't change that much, Jare,” Jensen advised, placing his hand wide on Jared's belly, moving his fingers up and down, one by one, still amazed that he was able to do so. “The place is charming and cozy as it is. It wouldn't be the same with modern furnishings.”

“I agree, it wouldn't. I was thinking more about a stair lift for you, Jen. I can't carry you around forever. In ten or twenty years, you will be too heavy for old Jared to carry.”

Jensen chuckled. “So, that's the last you'll carry me?”

“No, sweetheart.” Jared looked at him matter of factly. “I'll carry you over the threshold when you say yes, and whenever you need it.”

Jensen's heart stopped beating, for a moment or two, before it resumed its job. Had Jared just hinted that he wanted to tie the knot? “Jare?”

“Not now, Jen. Not yet. But it's the only logical consequence of how the story of Jared and Jensen will conclude, won't it? Besides,” his hand cupped Jensen's, twining their fingers, “I know what I want from life, Jen.”

Jensen knew that, too. He hadn't really thought about it, not wanting to jinx it, but the picture of himself and Jared, growing gray and old together, as more than best friends, didn't seem alien at all. It seemed perfect. A perfect ending to a stormy story.

“So, let's go upstairs.” Just like in the last three weeks, Jensen climbed on Jared, riding upstairs on his strong back, falling onto the mattress and tugging Jared with him. It felt so right and natural, feeling Jared in his arms. Just perfect.

15

Five more months passed. Days filled with pain and setbacks, but also with hope. Weeks on his own, but also with Jared and the decision that Walker would retire, and so would Jared. And if that hadn't been enough, Jared got a house very close to Jensen's, taking the kids with him and moving to Colorado, just like Jensen had moved to Texas for Jared all those years ago. Little, yet very meaningful proof of love.

They celebrated Christmas together, Jared, Daneel, their six kids and him. After the kids had gone to bed on Christmas Eve, the three boys and the three girls sharing a room, giggling, while Danneel tried to catch some sleep, Jared scooted very close to curl his arm around Jensen on the couch. His hand moved where it belonged, on a belly that had filled up in the last months, not chubby yet, but also not skinny anymore. Up and down Jared moved his hand before said hand wrapped around Jensen's claw.

Sometimes, Jensen was still amazed by the love Jared had showered him with in the past year, by his patience and understanding. By the gentleness, when he cut his food or fed him, when he helped him get dressed and clean, when the hands were like now. Not once had Jared shied away from the failing body. Not once since he had returned had Jared treated him badly. Far from it. Jared was treating him like a precious gift. And like all those years ago, more than two decades, Jensen was back, in full denial. Pretending and ignoring. He was so good at it. Because it couldn't be true, could it?

“Sweetheart?” Jared took the hand he was holding and brushed his lips against it, sending fireworks through Jensen's body. “Do you think you are ready for the next step? I think it's time but um, I don't want to push you.” He placed their hand back on his belly, caressing it gently.

Jensen hesitated. Last time they kissed, it was the beginning of the end. If they hadn't kissed, maybe, he never would have lost Jared. And a small part of him was still so scared that Jared would leave him again, would change his mind, would be sick with the palsied legs and the hands that were claws quite often, with the monthly overnight stays in the hospital, to prevent it from getting even worse, and with another stay at the clinic in California, which Jensen had already planned for the next year.

As if Jared knew what Jensen was thinking, he looked at him openly. “It's not like last time, sweetheart. I've been with you for almost a year now. I know what I'm getting.” It was true. Jared had stayed with him, through two painful attacks, through tears and pain, through hospital visits and exhausting PT sessions. He had massaged the hurting joints in his fingers, had caressed the lifeless toes, and the belly, from when it was a pitiful hollow between bony hips to now, filled with a very thin layer of fat. He knew that little Jensen had been lifeless for quite a while now and yet, he wanted to be with him.

“What are you getting?” Jensen asked out of curiosity.

“The love of my life, Jen. The end of a story and the beginning of a new one.” Something in Jared's quiet tone made Jensen's skin come up with goosebumps and caused a shiver running down his spine. Jensen smiled. It was worth taking the risk, worth trusting him because Jared? He was the love of Jensen's life, too. And their story needed a happy ending after all those ups and downs.

Without overthinking it for once Jensen leaned in, brushing his lips over Jared's. He felt the smile that grew on Jared's lips instantly, before it was replaced with a curious tongue that gently moved along the velvety outline of Jensen's lips, poking and tasting, asking for entry Jensen granted gladly. Jared tasted of red wine and herbs, and just like almost two years ago, of his chewing gum. His arms were strong, holding him yet very carefully and gently and he whispered promises of how he would love Jensen until the end, no matter what.

With a racing heart, gasping for air, Jensen had to break the kiss. He felt light and dizzy, but it was a good, welcome feeling, something he hoped he could have until the end. And for the first time in ages, he really hoped the end was far away. He hoped he could see his kids and Jared's kids graduate, go to college and get married, he hoped he could hold his grandkids in his arms and he hoped that Jared would be with him, on every further step of his way.

“Jen? Sweetheart? Did you listen to me?”

“No, not really,” Jensen admitted. “I was thinking about our grandkids and that for the first time in a long time I really hope to live long enough to see them.”

A hint of panic flitted over Jared's face. “Grandkids? I hope that takes two or three more decades.”

Jensen chuckled. “What did you say earlier?”

“I just suggested going to bed.”

“Good plan,” Jensen replied. He smiled when Jared got the wheelchair and helped him get settled in there, taking his hand as Jensen moved it out of the living-room and over the lift. He still smiled when Jared helped him undress, placing his big warm palm gently on the proud cock and balls, although little Jensen remained flaccid, no matter how much Jensen willed it to stir. Even when Jared brushed Jensen's teeth, because both his hands were so bad today that he couldn't do it on his own, Jensen still smiled. But when Jared started to worship his body, Jensen started to cry. Not hysterically, just silent tears Jared kissed away with an unbelievable gentleness.

“You're enough, Jen,” Jared promised again, taking Jensen into his arms, stroking him softly, until Jensen had fallen asleep.

***

When Jensen woke up on Christmas Day, the spot next to him was empty. Instead, Jensen found a small gift box on the still warm mattress and a short note that Jared was helping Danneel to get their breakfast ready. From afar, Jensen could actually hear noises in the kitchen, yet they were drowned by far more excited sounds from their six kids as they saw the heaps of presents Santa had brought after they had gone to bed. Not that they really believed in Santa. The older ones were quite aware of the fact that the gifts came from shops, bought by their parents, aunts, uncles or grandparents. Yet, even for them the sight must be overwhelming, the festive Christmas tree, alight and sparkling, the more than four dozen presents and the countless candles Jensen was sure Danneel had already lit.

His eyes still fixed at his present, Jensen carefully tried to move his fingers. He feared the worst, after they had been bad for a few days now, but was surprised to see and feel that some life was back in them. It wasn't perfect, but enough to take care of himself. Sometimes being dependent on someone to cut his food, hold his knife or help him with personal hygiene was a piece of meat that still was very hard to chew. Accepting the effects of his sickness had become a little easier, but not always. Yesterday, in front of the eyes of their six kids, with Jared doing cutting his meat and feeding him, had been particularly hard. Of course Jared had talked to his kids, explaining what was wrong with Uncle Jensen and why he sometimes needed help but still, having something explained and seeing it, were two different things. Suddenly, Jensen wondered what the kids, all of them, would think about their dads being together in a more than friendly way now. Would they accept it, putting their dads' feelings above their own? That was hardly to be expected from kids and teenagers. Or would they start to hate him, for being such a burden to Jared? He had never really thought about it and suddenly, Jensen's throat was very dry.

Jensen grabbed the bottle of water on his nightstand, grateful when his hand closed around it as it should, when he even managed to unscrew it with his left hand, though it took twice as long as it normally would. He took a first small gulp, not minding that the water was at room temperature. He needed to talk to Jared. Jared had left his cell on the nightstand, but the landline had an internal phone system. It had already come in handy quite a few times, calling Teresa when he needed something or Hailey, the nurse who had stayed with him constantly in those six months he had needed her.

He quickly called the number for the kitchen, Danneel answering the call at once, sounding worried at first, yet relaxing audibly once Jensen had told her that he was well but that he needed to see Jared asap.

Only seconds after Jensen had finished the call did he hear feet running upstairs and along the hallway and then, Jared was pushing the door open. “What's wrong, sweetheart? Do you need help?” He sat down on Jensen's side of the bed, placing his hand on his chest.

“I'm good, Jare. Can even move my fingers today. Look.” Slowly, Jensen moved his fingers, like he was playing an invisible piano. “Though I wouldn't say no to a massage. And while you're at it, maybe we can talk?” Jared's eyes widened and a look of worry chased the relaxed look from just earlier away. “About us and our kids, Jare,” Jensen added. “It's something we need to discuss.”

Jared nodded thoughtfully. “Okay. Let me just get the oil and wash my hands.” Jensen watched Jared disappear into the bathroom and heard him washing his hands properly, before he opened the dresser where they kept the massage oil.

Carrying the bottle and a fresh towel in his hands, Jared came back, covering the bed with the towel, not wanting to soil the exquisite satiny bedlinen. Gently, Jared started with a meanwhile very familiar routine, covering his own hands in oil, rubbing them over Jensen's, first holding the hands for a minute or two, warmth seeping into the hurting limbs. “I listened to the kids downstairs, and remembered your boy's looks when you had to feed me yesterday, and my mind wandered and suddenly I was wondering if they'll accept us just like that, you know?”

In the next few minutes, Jensen summarized his many thoughts and fears. “I want us to be a family, Jare. You, me and our six kids. But I'm scared that while I'm good enough for you, I'm not good enough for your kids. I'm not the mother they need, Jare, but a sick and handicapped man. They had to suffer so much already.”

For a while, Jared didn't say anything, just kept on massaging Jensen's fingers, one by one, up and down, starting anew when he was done with the first hand. “It honors you, to worry about my kids, Jen, and I admit, I haven't really thought about it. Maybe, I just took it for granted, because they're my offspring and I raised them right but I'll talk to them about us, what we are for each other and how and most of all where we see each other in the future.”

“What if they can't accept me, Jare?” Aware of the fact that Jared would always put the well-being of his kids above him, the thought made him uncomfortable, even more than that. It scared him, because it couldn't end well.

Jared squeezed his hand. “We'll cross that bridge when we come to it.” Leaning down, Jared brushed his lips over Jensen's. “I know you're worried, Jen. I can see it in your eyes and in your posture and I bet, your heart is racing heavily and you feel queasy.” He crawled over Jensen's body, lying down very close next to him and taking him in his arms. “I don't know what will happen. If the kids will accept you or even us. It must be a shock, hearing the truth, that I've always had feelings for my male best friend. That I want us to be together, as partners. That they will see us kiss and cuddle. But I'll do everything in my power to explain and to show them that it's a good thing. They know you're a good man, Jen. And they know you make me happy.” Soft lips kissed Jensen's cheek. “Very happy.” Another kiss, this time against his nose. “They noticed how happy I was when I came back from the cabin. Tom even said that he hasn't seen me as happy and lighthearted for a very long time. So, don't worry, in the end, I guess we'll all be good.”

Jensen still wasn't so sure of it, knowing that it could be complicated, that kids were often far more emotional than adults, that they saw things differently and that significant changes like that would scare them. But for once, he didn't object. Hoping that Jared was right, he leaned closer and stole a kiss from his boyfriend, finally wishing him a Merry Christmas. “Can I open your present now?”

“Course you can.” Jared smiled, reaching for the gift box that was lying behind him and handing it over to Jensen. “Happy Christmas, sweetheart.”

The box was a little larger than his palm, deep red strong cardboard with a red ribbon that was easily unfastened. He carefully lifted the top, expecting to maybe find a watch, like Jared had given him some half a lifetime ago, yet finding far more personal jewelry in there. Two strong leather ribbons braided together ending in a clasp made of platinum decorated with a beautiful Celtic knot. While Jensen examined it closer, he found his and Jared's names engraved on the back of the clasp. “It's beautiful, love.” It really was and Jensen's heart somersaulted as he gave Jared the bracelet. His own present was far less personal, yet still meaningful. He had gifted Jared with a holiday for both of them, to a secluded retreat on a Caribbean Island. For Jensen it was a big step, going back to the outside world, but with Jared by his side, who shielded him, he was sure he would manage. 

Gently, Jared's hands ghosted over Jensen's wrist, kissing the back of his hand and his pulsepoint with a smile on his lips before fastening the bracelet around his wrist. It was light, yet still a good weight on his arm, the platinum cool against his skin, the leather ribbons soft. 

For long moments, Jared looked into Jensen's eyes, bringing his hand against Jensen's cheek, brushing over the day old stubble, smiling. “I love you, Jensen.” He had said it before, dozens of times, but this time, it meant forever. And despite his fears and insecurities, his lack of confidence and the worry of not being accepted by Jared's kids Jensen was quite sure that, no matter what rocks might be lying in their way, in the end, their story would get the happy ending they both deserved.

Epilogue

2045

“Jen? Sweetheart? Are you okay?” Jared asked, putting his hand on Jensen's shoulder, both looking down at their first grandkid, a sweet baby girl called Danneel, after her grandma. The one day old newborn was sleeping peacefully in her granddad’s arms and Jensen reached out a tentative finger to move over the soft warm baby skin.

“Yeah, I just-” Jensen sniffed. He was overwhelmed. “If it hadn't been for you, I wouldn't be here today, Jare,” Jensen whispered. “If it hadn't been for you, I would have long ago given up.”

He looked down at himself, at the palsied legs, thin like branches, all muscles gone. The crotch that had been lifeless mostly, yet was still fondled with so much love by Jared. The belly that had never filled up to the sweet tummy Jared had adored so much, yet still getting the fondest caresses Jensen could ask for. 

His life had not been easy and what Jensen had just said was the simple truth. Without Jared by his side, he would long ago have given up. Even the love for his kids would not have been enough. But Jared had simply been his everything. Best friend. Boyfriend. Soul Mate. Pillar of Strength. Husband. Significant other. Shoulder to lean on.

The first year had been difficult. As if Jensen had foreseen it on that Christmas Day morning, Jared's boys had rebelled against their father and the new man in his life. Not because they were bad boys, but because it had been just too much for them. It had taken a lot of patience, love and understanding, hugs and talks until they had finally accepted that their dad wanted this. Jensen, with all his baggage. For Jensen's kids it had been far easier, but they had their mom and hadn't had to go through losing a parent. 

Only after the dusk had settled had Jared and Jensen talked about their next steps. They had extended Jensen's house, and when it was done, Jared had moved in. Just like expected, it had been a little awkward first, Tom and Shep suddenly being far from rebellious anymore but uncommonly sheepish, yet, after a while, they had all settled and with Jensen's kids coming by quite regularly, the house had never been quiet on the weekends, with barbecues and pool parties in the summer. 

More than two years later, Jared had proposed. Candlelight dinner, soft music, rose petals scattered over their bed. Champagne, a gentle foreplay and kisses. Sex. Back then, once in a while, Jensen still could get a hard on. Not often, but there was Viagra, and while he hated to take it, it helped, just like Jared inside him helped a good deal. And once they had cuddled in a bubble of post-coital bliss, Jared had pulled a ring from under his pillow and had popped the question. Jensen's heart had skipped a beat or two, before resuming its job, yet thrumming excitedly while he whispered the only answer that made sense. The wedding had happened a few months later, at the beach in North Carolina where years ago, Jensen had told Jared about his feelings. It had only been a small wedding party, their parents and siblings with their family, their kids and Danneel, and a handful of very close friends, but it had been a good day. It had been hard, for both their parents, to accept their boys’ new lifestyle but they had put their feelings last for the sake of their kids who obviously were head over heels in love with each other and had been for a very long time.

Then, life went on and it had been kind to them for many years. Years filled with togetherness, watching their kids grow up, falling in love, finishing high school and starting college. Summers spent at the cabin, often just Jared and Jensen. Thanksgiving and Christmas celebrated with their families. They had buried their parents and Jensen had buried his brother and in the end, he had buried Danneel. Cancer, just like Genevieve and wasn't that a very ironic and cruel twist of fate? 

A decade ago, Jensen's condition had worsened considerably after an attack. Despite medicine and treatment and another stay at the clinic, he had lost the use of his hands completely and no matter what Jared tried, little Jensen had remained lifeless. The darkness had come back, stronger than ever before, and for a while the thought about giving up had been far more inviting than the will to fight. Yet, Jared had been there, surprisingly pragmatic. Dawn, his nurse, had come to their house, someone to care for Jensen around the clock. Yet, it was Jared who still often bathed him, cut his food and fed him. Jared who had told him he was losing his marbles when Jensen had offered him freedom, allowing him to go looking for a boy or a girl for sex. Jared who had found other means to show Jensen his love, and who most of all showed Jensen that he could still touch him, even with crippled hands. Then, a few years ago, a new medicine came on the market. Combined with treatment and PT, it had changed Jensen's life. While he had never gotten the mobility in his legs back, he had finally managed to first move his fingers and then, his whole hand. Nowadays, Jensen could twine his fingers with Jared's again and hold them gently, could guide cutlery to his mouth and move his arms to wash himself, brush his teeth or read a book.

“Oh sweetheart.” Jared took baby Danneel in his own arms, carefully carrying her back into the cot before wrapping Jensen into his arms as carefully. He was always so gentle, scared that he might hurt Jensen's frail body and that often reacted with pain to touches, another symptom, the one that hurt the most, mentally.

“Did you ever regret it? Being with a man as heavily handicapped as I am?”

“Not one second, Jen,” Jared said, picking Jensen up from his wheelchair and carrying him over to the small sofa, where he cuddled close. Despite being over sixty, Jared was still strong, easily able to carry the little weight of his husband. “You gave me so much love in the last twenty years, baby. So much happiness. So much gratitude. You're amazing, Jensen.” With fondness, Jared brushed his hands through the thin hair, smiling when Jensen kissed Jared's bald head instead. “We're amazing,” Jared said in wonder. “Just look at us. Chance brought us together. A casting team. How big were the odds? Yet, that's how it started, the epic love story of Jared and Jensen.”

“It was a good story, love,” Jensen realized. “It had everything a story needed. Happiness and sadness, good times and bad times, sickness and health and so much angst.”

“And so much love, sweetheart.” Jared kissed him softly. “And it's not over,” he promised, first looking at the sweet newborn baby, then at Jensen, placing his hand on Jensen's flat belly, his fingers sneaking beneath the tee and dancing over the skin in very gentle movements. In general, Jared treated Jensen with care, respect and so much love. “There are still some more chapters to write. More rides we can take with Baby, visits to our cabin once a year and hopefully, more times of happiness. Our story isn't over yet.”

Reaching out his hand, Jensen moved it over Jared's face, still amazed that his fingers did their job. Dimples grew bigger, lighting up the room. It made Jensen smile, too. No, their story wasn't over. There were weddings to go to, and grandkids to welcome, and when it would end, in fifteen, twenty or maybe even in twenty-five years, they would just write a new chapter in Heaven, like the characters that had brought them together four decades ago.

The End