Work Text:
... A paper moon represents something that is ephemeral or not long lasting...
They were midway into their daily walk around the park when Snuffles suddenly stopped, making Sirius almost trip over him. Those sudden stops were not unusual when they were closer to the little pond where the ducks swam. Snuffles loved the ducks!
But there was still a bit of a walk to reach the lake and there weren't any ducks in sight. When Sirius recovered his footing, he noticed Snuffles looking intently to the side of the path, with his head slightly tilted in curiosity.
Sirius patted the dog on the head and was about to ask him what he was looking at when he turned his gaze in that direction. His words died in his throat. He froze and stared with his mouth hanging open.
Sirius couldn't believe what he was looking at, or rather who.
On the bench, under the shadow of a big tree, was Remus Lupin. It was like a vision. The golden light that was making its way through the leaves fell on the bench, enveloping Remus and making him glow with an otherworldly aura. A few of his barely-there curls were falling over the amber eyes that Sirius longed so much to see again. The cold wind had colored his cheeks a lovely pink, and his lips were set in an impassive line. It felt like looking at a painting.
It certainly had to be a vision. Sirius was hallucinating. He wasn't going to let himself hope that Remus was once again within his reach. He hadn't seen him or heard from him since that day almost two years ago. Not even after the war had ended.
He closed his mouth and shook his head. It wasn't real. He was seeing things. It was a lame trick of his pining and longing mind. This wasn't the first time he'd thought he’d seen Remus. Although, something about today's vision felt different, more real. But no, it couldn't be.
He was about to turn around and resume their walk when the vision in question lifted his eyes. Their gazes met and, for an instant, Sirius let himself think that this was real. That the man he had been waiting for, for so long, was just a few steps away.
Snuffles seemed to get out of his trance at that moment and started walking towards the bench. When Sirius felt the leash tugging at his hands, he broke eye contact with vision-Remus and focused on Snuffles. If the dog could also see the man on the bench, it meant that Sirius was not crazy. Remus was really there. He was back.
The few steps needed to reach the bench seemed to stretch for hours, but finally, Sirius was face to face with Remus.
Before any of them could say something, Snuffles put his paws on Remus' knees and was trying to climb onto his lap. That was enough for Remus to stop looking at Sirius and turn his attention to the dog. He seemed surprised by the friendly animal but started petting him nevertheless.
Sirius was relieved at not having Remus' attention for a moment. There had been so many emotions reflecting in Remus' eyes that Sirius wasn't sure to recognize them all. He watched the pair on the bench for a bit too long, thinking of how this could've been a common view if it hadn't been for the war.
"...rius?" Sirius faintly registered Remus' voice calling his name. His voice had a lower tone now, but it was still the voice that filled each of his dreams.
"Re...ms," Sirius cleared his throat and tried again. "Remus, is it really you?"
Remus was looking up at him, still petting Snuffles. The dog was so pleased with himself for having Remus' attention that Sirius swore he saw Snuffles sending him a mocking look. Brat. He won't be getting as many treats as usual after their walk.
Before Remus could answer or stop petting the dog, Sirius launched himself to hug Remus. The angle was awkward, he was towering over Remus, trying to bend his body in ways he hadn't tried in a long time, and Snuffles was being crushed in-between their bodies. But Sirius was hugging a rigid, though soft and warm, body. It was real, he could finally let himself believe what his eyes and Snuffles already showed him. Remus was here.
After just a couple of beats, Remus disentangled his arms and returned the hug almost with as much sentiment and strength as Sirius.
Sirius was the first one to let go in an attempt to ease the backache he was starting to feel, although not before basking in the feeling of having Remus' arms around him for a little too long and, at the same time, not long enough.
Snuffles let out an indignant sigh and placed himself better on Remus' lap. He was still a puppy, but big enough to cover most of Remus' body. Sirius took that as his cue to sit beside them.
"He's a cute dog," Remus said after a few uncomfortable silent minutes. They'd never had an uncomfortable moment before, well, except for those last months leading to that fatidical day.
"Yeah, Prongs and Lily got him for me," he said, his gaze fixed on his hands in his lap. "Harry named him. Snuffles." Sirius let out a short chuckle when the dog in question moved one of his ears to acknowledge him without having to dislodge himself from Remus. He patted the dog's bum, minding his wagging tail that hadn't stopped since he first saw Remus. "They said I need company," he finished after a few more seconds of silence.
Remus hummed in response, the faint trace of a small smile painting his pretty lips. His hand stopped petting Snuffles but remained buried in the soft fur of his neck.
He turned his face towards Sirius and spent a few moments just taking him in. Sirius felt a bit self-conscious, he knew he hadn't bothered to wash his hair and had just thrown it up in a messy bun. At least his beard was not a complete mess; he had trimmed it a couple of days ago. He brought a hand to smooth it anyway.
"You let your beard grow," Remus remarked. He had always teased Sirius about how much appeal a good beard would add to his already hot self.
He could only half-smile in return. This interaction was starting to take a toll on him. The regrets about that night, about those months, came rushing back to him and were nesting in his throat. He knew Remus could read it on his face, because he sighed and turned his face to look forward, moving his hand again to pet Snuffles.
"Listen -"
"Look, Sirius-"
They both started at the same time.
Sirius sighed and braced himself for what was going to leave Remus' mouth. But Remus just motioned for him to continue.
"I'm- I'm sorry, I really am. I don't expect you to have forgiven me already, or to forgive me any time soon, but," he took a deep breath, "please don't disappear again. I- I've missed you so much, Moony." His voice broke with the last sentence. He tried to compose himself, taking another deep breath, and then another.
Remus stayed silently looking forward while he talked. And when it was clear that Sirius won't continue, he turned his face again and met Sirius' steely grey eyes.
"I won't say that I wasn't hurt from what you said to me that day. I was, deeply. But I- I understand. I was also starting to doubt-" Remus cleared his throat and lowered his eyes to look at Snuffles, "to doubt you. Those were fucking crazy days, years. I understand, and I already forgave you."
He breathed and let out the air slowly through his nose, before continuing. "You were right," he said, looking at Sirius again.
"About not trusting even your best mates." Remus finished with a lopsided and sad smile.
Sirius felt his eyes fill with tears. He couldn't bear how sad Remus looked. He hadn't distrusted Remus, not fully, not really. But tensions were running high; he kept going on missions for weeks, even months at a time; he never told them anything about it; he started to close off more after each mission. The rat had been telling him things, about Remus, about other Order members, but mainly about Remus. The stress he was feeling for the Potters, for his brother, for the war, was getting to him. And that day, after Remus returned from one of his missions, he had just snapped at him. He’d only wanted to get a reaction out of Remus, but it blew into a full-on blame-throwing match. Accusations were made, mainly from Sirius' side, doors were slammed, from Remus' side, and hearts were broken, on both sides.
Sirius wiped away the stray years that found their way down his cheeks and took Remus' hands. "Moony, I'm so so sorry. I didn't mean any of the things I said that day. I didn't, I didn't mean to lose you." He played with Remus' fingers, not caring that Snuffles was trying to get both their attention for more pats.
"I tried to contact you, to find you. I sent dozens of owls," he said, finally patting the dog's head. Snuffles was now on the ground and had put his head on Sirius' lap. In his letters, he had apologized profusely, time after time he had tried to explain why he’d reacted that way, but after a year, he started to just write his thoughts and worthy pieces of his life that he imagined Remus would like to hear. But the letters were never read.
"Oh, I know," said Remus, a shadow of a smirk on his lips. "I didn't want to be found. I didn't want to see you for a while. I read all your letters, though."
This surprised Sirius. He blinked at Remus. "But they were returning always-"
"Unopened? Yeah, a bit of a useful trick, you know." He took away his hands and put them on his lap.
Sirius felt the loss of those cold hands deeply. It was getting dark already. They had been sitting for a while now, and the cold night breeze was making itself known. Subtly, he cast a warming charm over the three of them, he didn't want this moment to finish so soon.
Remus shivered when the charm reached him, but almost immediately composed himself and said, "We should probably get going, you know, it's getting late." He started to stand up, his joints popping from not moving in a while.
"Wait, Remus, please tell me you're not going to go again," Sirius said, standing up so fast that he felt dizzy and lost his footing. This time, however, Remus was there to catch him by his upper arms.
Sirius took advantage of this position and brought his arms, once again to hug Remus. This time without any back pain or awkward bending. They slotted together as it had always been. Remus nudged his head in the crook of Sirius' neck and breathed him in. Sirius buried his nose in Remus' hair and placed a little kiss there. He hoped Remus didn't notice. To cover for it, he just repeated himself in a whisper. "Please don't go again."
"I won't," Remus said also in a whisper. And for a moment everything was blissful, the embrace they were sharing was one of the best things Sirius had experienced in the last two years, but it finished way too soon.
Remus let go and cleared his throat. He was blushing, or maybe it was just the cold. He looked up at Sirius through his eyelashes and bit his lip. Sirius followed the movement unconsciously and mirrored him.
They could feel the electricity between them, that charged atmosphere that had been there since Hogwarts. A chemistry so strong that not even war, mistrust, and two years of not seeing each other could erase. But they weren't ready to acknowledge it, nor act on it, not just now.
As if sensing this, Snuffles let out a low bark, breaking the spell they had been caught up in. Sirius was grateful to his pup for that. He didn't think he would have made a good decision right now, with Remus looking at him like that. Remus seemed to think the same thing, and patted the dog on the head.
"Err… I won't go," Remus said, bringing up again what they were talking about just before, "actually I got a job in town."
Sirius couldn’t contain his glee at that. "Are you serious? Where? When? Do you already have a place?" He bombarded Remus with questions.
Remus just smiled at him and started walking towards the park's exit, motioning his head to let Sirius know that he should follow. Sirius looked at Snuffles who was already looking at him, and said, "Let's go."
They jogged a bit after Remus until they reached him by the fence. "How about we go for dinner, and maybe you can update me on how your life's going?" he said when Remus was about to start walking again.
Remus looked at him wide-eyed as if the proposal was scandalous.
"Of course, if you want and don't have any plans for the night. You don't have to. We can talk any other time, you don't have to tell me anything about your life now. I just thought, well, never mind. We can meet any other day, that would be beneficial for Snuffles, you know, he doesn't have a lot of people skills and he seemed to love you. He usually tolerates James and Lily, and only kind of likes Harry and Reggie, but I can tell that he just loves you," Sirius said in a rush, barely managing to breathe between phrases, jumping from topic to topic, from word to word.
Remus just smiled warmly at him before replying. "Yeah, I would very much like to see you again. Both of you. Well, all of you, James, Lily, Harry, Merlin he should be so big now. And Regulus."
"Great, yeah, err… owl me, yes? I'll be waiting." Sirius tried not to sound so eager, but he knew he failed. He just couldn't believe that Remus was here again, that they had an opportunity to mend their friendship; to be the best of mates again, even if it took a bit of time to find their rhythm. And most importantly, he couldn't believe he would have an opportunity to finally, finally, let Remus know all his deepest feelings, how he didn't want to stop at best mates, he wanted more, to be able to love him purely as he always dreamed of, and to be loved in return. Maybe they could make it happen and make it work this time.
"I will," Remus said before waving and turning to walk away into the night. Sirius and Snuffles saw him go until he was lost in the crowd of passers-by and his golden hair was no longer visible.