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The world had been against Touya from the start— a child born to a couple who should have never met, much less have gotten married and start a family together. The meeting of Todoroki Enji and Himura Rei had been something akin to a marriage entirely born of convenience, the proud man practically repelling anyone he had ever met and the woman had been raised to be a housewife— to sit obedient to her future husband’s every wish. His father was nothing if not a distant man, never there for a single important milestone of Touya’s, much less the other children’s— it seemed like Enji was only home whenever his voice would rattle the house, and give Touya tremors that’d he did his best to hide. It never seemed to bother Rei all too much, it’d been much different for a child to grow in those circumstances.
Rei hadn’t been much better, a hollow personality with eyes that seemed to look right through you. An emptiness filled her that nothing could quite replace— despite having child after child in hopes to feel something suddenly click in her body— she never held an ounce of joy nor love towards them. Only birthing children into a loveless family for nothing more than to occupy a meaningless space in the world.
Unfortunately, Touya’s bad luck hadn’t ended there.
It appeared that in the Todoroki family, just because you had children, it didn’t mean you had to care for them in any capacity. Cries from the younger three children had always become a common occurrence, annoying Touya to absolutely no end.
Being the oldest was especially exhausting when you had to deal with both resentful parents and snotty brats. No matter how hard he tried to make himself as hidden as possible, his plans had always gone awry. Which is why he found himself staring at his siblings who had quickly escaped to the sanctity of his room, door locked shut behind the trio as their father raged on in the living room. Fuyumi struggled to carry the toddler in her small arms and Natsuo panting dramatically as he sank down against the door.
He grit his teeth as Shoto was placed down onto the floor, why did they have to come here? Of all places, they had chosen the one place he would be inconvenienced. “Dinner is late.” Fuyumi mumbled, a cold quiet voice that almost resembled their mother’s from the lack of emotion. The one-sided argument rang on throughout the house and Touya bit his tongue. He wouldn’t entertain children, he decided.
“Make yourselves busy.”
Money couldn’t buy the kids love, but it did buy the television set the three silently gathered around the nintendo— mindlessly watching Touya win round after round, all the while their father’s yelling seemingly ceased to exist in their world.
Touya soon starts to forget what being lonely feels like, when night after night it becomes the new norm for the children to all sleep huddled up in his room. The pit in his stomach is gone but there’s always a lump in his throat after he contemplates kicking them all out. Tomorrow night, he decides he’ll end the cycle and they’ll be forced to find another hiding spot, but tomorrow happens over and over again and he still shares a bed with his siblings.
Touya is eight when he decides his siblings aren't the worst part of this family.
—
“I hate how I look.”
Touya had almost snarkily agreed until he realized the gravity of the situation— almost cringing to himself at the thought of the conversation that was to come, it definitely was one he could do without. However, it also wasn’t a secret that Natsuo looked similar to Enji, something Touya was glad he hadn’t inherited or else he wouldn’t be able to stand his own fucking reflection.
It’d never been a secret that Natsuo had almost as much resentment towards his father as Touya did, the refusal to be in the same room as Enji had started young— beginning with a fear of a scolding had managed to evolve into complete irritation at even being in the same room as his father. Father and son had grown to the point where they could not handle being in the same room as one another, an explosive match always following after each supposed family dinner that Enji had decided to join in on.
“We all look like them.” Natsuo clicked his tongue at that, lifting his head and revealing his tired eyes. “I look like him.” He mumbled and Touya pinched the bridge of his nose, letting out a sigh.
Of course Natsuo was right, sometimes when the nights got so bad and Enji couldn’t control his anger, turmoil would begin to manifest in Touya’s chest whenever he saw his younger brother, angering the teen because Natsuo wasn’t at fault for that. And no matter how much he knew that, the resentment was difficult to shake off.
“Well you’re not him.”
Natsuo stayed silent, curling up into a ball
“You’re not Enji, isn’t that enough for you? Looks can be changed, it’s not the end of the world.” Natsuo sniffled, wiping at his eyes before any tears had the chance to trickle down his cheeks. “That doesn’t change anything, he’s everywhere in this damn house. It’s not just me that looks like him.” Touya held back a frown as Natsuo’s eyes settled on him for a split second before looking away quickly. Biting his tongue, he nodded. Of course it wasn’t just Natsuo, it was all four of them plagued with some sort of reminder of their father.
Unfortunately, Enji’s eyes and hair will always be a part of Touya, written in his genetic coding, but some looks can be changed.
“Can I play on your playstation?” “No, get your shoes on. We’re going to the store.”
Touya is fourteen when his brother and sister help him dye his hair: now black rather than the unruly red he’d been bestowed upon birth. Touya is fourteen when he gets the punishment of a lifetime but now Natsuo looks him in the eye for the first time in months.
—
The door to his room slamming open and shut hadn’t bothered Touya all too much. There was rarely a moment of quiet in Touya’s life, he’d grown up with his father’s yells shaking the wall and hushed cries of the children. Already turning in his chair and getting ready to scold Shoto (the kid was notorious for causing trouble nowadays), he froze as he saw Fuyumi. Hot tears trickling down her cheeks and hair disheveled, a far cry from the prim and proper look she always allowed the world to see her as.
“Why does mom look at me like that? I haven’t done anything wrong!” And immediately, Touya knew exactly what the problem was— Rei’s lifeless eyes had always stared at the lot of them the exact same way. It had plagued him for the longest time when he was younger. Of course Fuyumi had never done anything wrong, it wasn’t anyone’s fault besides Rei. She’d been a fool to expect something in her mind to finally click with each new child. Expecting the love to flood her brain and bring out something– anything– in her heart.
It never came no matter how much she tried— Touya had come to terms with that long ago, but Fuyumi would be more stubborn. It’d take longer for her, especially after idolizing and making excuses for her all the years. She’d always had more hope that their family would just click together someday– Touya always hoped that didn’t mean she’d end up like Rei in that manner.
“I try so hard to make her happy, but she doesn’t see me!” Her hands started tugging harshly on her snow colored hair and he quickly pulled them away to her side. “Fuyumi, she’s fucked in the head, she’s not there! Nothing’s going to ever change that, why are you still bothering with her?” Her sobs got worse, body heaving with each word she managed to get out.
“I just want them to love me.”
For a brief second, he’d have done anything for her to break free from the shackles of their parents— the very idea unsettled Touya, and he forced it into the back of his mind. “You don’t need them, you have Natsuo and Shoto.” And me, though the words were left unsaid.
He bit the inside of his cheek before sighing, sitting down next to her. “You know that they would change if they wanted to, they’re not changing.” Bringing her knees up to her chest, she hid her face in her lap, mumbling softly.
“Aren’t we worth changing for?”
He stayed silent, his siblings had somehow changed him all for the better no matter how much he tried to resist it— they’d wormed their way into his life despite all the times he’d tried to kick them out of it. His mornings were spent with getting them all settled with breakfast and ready for classes, and nights ended with making sure homework was done and they were in the safety of their room. Of course they were worst changing for, so why couldn’t their fucking parents see that?
“All of you shits are worth it, it doesn’t matter if they don’t change. I’m here.” His arm wrapped around Fuyumi as her cries slowly began to wind down. Once prim and proper now proved to be a child desperate for her parents to look at her with light in their eyes rather than regret and resentment.
Toya is sixteen as he takes Fuyumi’s tear-stained glasses off her face, letting her doze off into a restless sleep on his bed. There was nothing in Rei’s heart, but unsettlement filled Touya’s as he made his makeshift bed on the floor of his room that night; allowing his sister to lie in his bed like she had years ago.
—
“Touya!” He ignored the yelling of his youngest brother, tugging his shoes on and making sure his wallet was in his pocket– he was almost late and like hell would he miss his shift. “Not now Shoto, I gotta go!” Huffing, the child quickly pinned himself between Touya and the front door.
“Can I go to work with you?” Touya raised a brow as Shoto stood in front of his only escape route, blocking it off when he knew damn well he had to go or he’d be late. The eldest and youngest stared the other down, Touya biting his scowl back at the kid. “Why?” The child had almost looked nervous as he glanced around. “I heard Dad on the phone with Mom, he’s really mad. Natsuo’s staying at a friend’s house.” And Fuyumi was off on a school trip for the next two day.
Meaning if Shoto stayed home, he’d be at the mercy of their father.
The idea of it irked him, and the fact that they had that weird eldest and youngest rivalry didn’t matter at the moment. “Fuck! Fine, just hurry and get your backpack.” Knowing their father, he’d find the worst time to get home. Shoto scrambled to get his school-bag and shoes on.
Rolling his eyes, he easily picked Shoto up and jogged out of the neighborhood— an excited laugh leaving the kid as he gripped the collar of Touya’s shirt tightly. Ignoring all the stares that followed him, he finally slowed down in an attempt to catch his breath— Shoto still giggling as he was set down on his feet while Touya crouched over, hands on knees as he tried to calm his breathing.
Touya had to admit, it was nice to see the kid smiling for once, Shoto was eight years old and he already looked like he had the weight of the world on his shoulders– just like Touya had at that age. He’s almost grateful that he’d been the oldest out of all of the kids, at least the others could have a real shot at life.
“The hell is Fuyumi feeding you? You’re fucking heavy.” “We eat the same food… Wouldn’t that mean you’re heavy too?” Shoto pensively wondered. Scowling, Touya huffed as he nudged Shoto’s shoulder, making his way to the run down diner he’d managed to get a job at. “C’mon Smartass, when we get there you can finish your homework and I’ll get you something to eat.”
“I don’t like homework, and you never do yours” He snorted at that, Shoto holding onto his hand as they made their way to the shitty restaurant he worked at. “Yeah well you don’t wanna end up like me, you gotta do something right.” The light shove he gave Shoto didn’t deter the grin making its way on the eight year old’s face. “I’m gonna be just like you!”
“Please don’t.” He inwardly smiled, holding the door open for the little brat before getting him settled into the booth. “Do your homework, I’ll get some lunch–” “Cold soba please.” Touya’s mouth twitched at that, shaking his head and going to the kitchen.
Touya is seventeen when his coworkers coo over his younger brother, it's his first job and decides against quitting when he sees the smile on Shoto’s face– delighting in the attention the motherly waitress gives him. His brother is unburdened and Touya is okay with taking the burdens from him once more.
–
Touya is now eighteen, freshly kicked out of his childhood home and in his own little shitty apartment he can barely afford. His siblings spend more time here than at their own home and he’s at peace with that. Todoroki Touya is an older brother, he still dyes his hair regularly, still holds his sister tight, and still remembers his brother’s favorite meal. He is surrounded by warmth, an unspoken love with his siblings as they all pile together in his bare living room just as they had a decade earlier. He is warm inside and surrounded by a family he didn’t want but was glad he had kept.
Touya is eighteen when he realizes it was worth it.