Work Text:
It hadn't felt like tragedy was going to strike that day. Then again people rarely suspect when the sun rises that that day is going to be the worst day of their lives.
Everything had been going perfectly - almost too perfectly now that I look back on it. I should have seen something coming though I never could have predicted this.
The sun had been shining bright, not a single cloud obstructing the golden rays from touching the earth. We had gone over to shijie’s house for lunch. It was delicious, everything shijie makes is delicious, though it would have been better if her peacock of a husband had been away somewhere instead of interrupting our time together.
I don’t mean that of course, shijie was happy he was there so who was I to complain.
After we ate we had all decided that it would be a fun idea to bring Jin Ling to the park. Shijie always says that it’s good for him to get some fresh air every once in a while instead of being cooped up in his crib.
It was about an hour in, around 1 o’clock, when it happened. I had been running up ahead, he had been chasing me screaming something or another when suddenly I heard a thud.
I spun around and realised that he was on the ground. At first, I had thought he had just fallen, the floor of the playground was pretty uneven so it wouldn’t have been unlikely.
However, as I got closer to him I soon realised that he was breathing funny. Sweat running down his face and drenching his clothes. He had been gasping as if struggling for air - his hands clutching tightly to his chest.
I remember thinking ‘surely we didn’t run for that long.’
And then he stopped moving.
I remember shijie running over to see what was wrong, Jin Ling clutched tightly to her chest and her husband looking concerned from further behind.
She had handed the baby over to him before we quickly rolled him over.
And then she screamed at him to call an ambulance.
I don’t remember much after that.
I knew that I had gotten into the ambulance with him and then I was in a hospital chair with shijie next to me. Jin Ling wasn’t with her, he must have been with Jin Zixuan.
I hadn’t noticed that till I’d replayed the events later.
It felt like we had been sitting there for hours. I held shijie’s hand as she wept, my own cheeks stained with tear tracks.
And then a pair of shoes had stopped just in front of me. It was Wen Qing. I hadn’t heard her coming: I hadn’t heard much of anything from the time we had gotten to the hospital and then.
I remember her looking sad, I think it was at that moment that I had known that he wasn’t looking good.
“I’m sorry,” she whispered to us. She’d had wavered a bit before continuing, “your brother- he has stage D heart failure.”
At that moment the world as I had known it collapsed around me.
I only remember bits and pieces of what happened next. I know that shijie was crying harder. I think I was crying too, I’m not sure, I blocked most of that day out of my memory a long time ago.
Wen Qing had continued speaking but I hadn’t heard much - just words like ‘slow’,
‘medicine’ and ‘time’. Though there was one phrase that really stuck to me that day.
‘Prepare for the worst.’
Shijie re-explained it to me later. That he was dying. That they could slow it down with meds. That it was only a matter of time.
“Wen Qing says he needs a transplant.” She had whispered, head lowered towards the table we had settled ourselves at. “She said something about him being status 3, meaning he’ll be put on the priority list but-”
She had paused at that moment like she hadn’t wanted to admit the things she had been told. She didn’t have to say anything. I knew what she meant.
He was dying. And we had no way of knowing how long it would take to save him .
Now, 3 months later, I’m here sitting on his bed, a large Manila folder in my grasp.
My hands are shaking as I open the file and partially pull out the paper’s inside. I take a deep breath and look up at the picture on the opposing wall.
It was all of us when we were younger before the tragedy struck. He and I stood side by side, huge grins spread across our faces as we stared at the camera. Shijie stood just behind us, a soft smile gracing her face and her hands each rested on one of our heads.
To my right stood Jiang shushu, his ever serene smile situated on his warm face. He was looking down at us with a look of joy, one of his arms rested lightly on shijie’s shoulder.
To his left stood Madam Yu, her hand situated on his shoulder, eyes firm staring straight at the camera. She was mad that day. I’d broken something playing tag with him and she’d gotten angry.
I look away from the photo, back down at the paper in my shaking hands. I skim through the text, new tears forming in my eyes as I look down at the bottom of the paper.
98% match
Drops stained the paper below as I wept tears of relief.
I look back up at the photo as I cry, loud escaping me as the result on the paper swirls around my mind. I look back down and reread the result, just in case I’d misread it, and fresh tears fall down my cheeks.
I carefully slide the paper back into the folder and get up from his bed. I quickly made my way out of his room towards mine at the other side of the hall.
It’s been quiet since he was admitted. Shijie comes over as often as she can but the silence is suffocating me. No screaming to wake up in the morning, no laughter, no arguments over whose turn it is on the PlayStation.
Just silence.
I slam open my door, too excited by the new information to think about not cracking the paint and rush over to my bedside table. I grab my phone and quickly make a call.
I’ve been calling her a lot lately. I hope she isn’t mad.
The phone rings once. Twice. And then a tired voice answers. “What is it, Wei Wuxian, I’m in the middle of a 12-hour shift.”
She sounds grumpy, I probably shouldn’t keep her too long.
“Sorry for bothering you Wen Qing, I know you're busy. I have something important to talk to you about but it would be better to meet in person. Are you free anytime this week? It’s important so the sooner the better.”
I hope I don’t sound nervous. I was talking kind of fast. I haven’t spoken that much in a while. I don’t want her to get any ideas.
“Thursday. 9 am meet me at Wen Ning’s. Don’t be late.” and then she hung up.
I put my phone back on the nightstand. It’s Tuesday so I have Two days to prepare what I’m going to say.
I start going around my room, picking up small things and shoving them into a backpack. I’m supposed to visit him today. Maybe I should get flowers.
Two days later, at 8:45 am, I’m situated at a corner table of Wen Ning’s café, wringing my hands together on top of the table. Two days of planning and I still have no idea how to broach the topic with her.
I got here thirty minutes early hoping I’d be able to come up with something. But nothing. I’m just sitting here fifteen minutes away from Wen Qing arriving, ten if I keep in mind that she’s always early, and staring at a lukewarm latte Wen Ning brought over when I first got here.
I tap my fingers restlessly over the table as I wait for her to arrive. Looking into my bag to make sure I remembered the file before going back to tapping my fingers.
She arrives early, she’s always early so I shouldn’t be surprised, but I was hoping she would be late for once. Just to give me a little more time.
Wen Ning brings over another coffee, this time black as she sits down in front of me.
She smiles at him in thanks before turning to me.
“Tell me, Wei Ying, what was so important to you that you saw it necessary to call me in the middle of my shift and ask to meet?”
She takes a sip of her coffee, dark circles set in under her eyes. She’s still in her scrubs so she must have just gotten off the night shift.
That doesn’t bode well for me.
I say nothing as I reach into my bag and pull out the fill. I hesitate for a moment before sliding it towards her.
I can feel her looking at me questioningly but I can’t bear to look up. I hear her pick up the file and open it. I hold my breath as she pulls out the paper and begins reading.
My hands are shaking around my cup.
I don’t feel good.
I hear her put down the results and grip my coffee tighter.
I should loosen up, Wen Ning paid a lot for these.
“What is this?” she whispers.
I don’t know why she’s asking me that. She knows exactly what it is. I mean it’s written in bold across the top.
“Wei Wuxian, why do you have this?” she asks a little louder.
Oh. So that’s what she meant.
I look up as she pinches the bridge of her nose.
“You know this isn’t going to change anything right? You being a near-perfect match means absolutely nothing, you're perfectly alive and healthy and even if you weren’t you would have to be dead or brain dead to become a donor. Even if any of that was the case there is no guarantee that your heart would go to him !”
She’s screaming now. So much for trying to get her on my side. I should have expected her to be angry.
I look down again and whisper, “I’m going to find a way. You can’t change my mind so please don’t try. It will only make this harder. I just wanted you to know because I want you to make sure it goes to him and not somebody else. I don’t want this to be for nothing.”
“Do you think he would want this,” she whispers, “do you think that he would want to wake up after 3 months on life support just to find out that his brother died so he could live. And what about your sister? Have you thought about her? Have you thought about what she’s going to tell Jin Ling when he’s older and asks what happened to his uncle? Did you think about how I would feel about having my best friend tell me that he wants to die!”
She’s screaming again. The truth is I hadn’t thought of any of that yet. I’d been so focused on the thought that I could save him I didn’t think of how everyone would react.
The truth is I don’t have much to live for anyway. I have my family but that's all. I don’t have a job, I didn’t finish high school, I’m living off my siblings trying to find any work I can.
It’s better for us all if the one with an actual future survived rather than me.
I say nothing as she continues to scream. She started crying at one point but I’m not exactly sure when. At some point, I stopped hearing her.
I was too focused on planning how I was going to pull this off.
I’m here now, a little over a month later, sitting in a chair by his bedside. He looks pale and thin, though that’s to be expected of someone who's been asleep in a hospital bed for over 4 months.
He’ll start to gain colour and bulk up again after the operation.
Wen Qing has been keeping an eye on me since our talk last month, if not her then Wen Ning. Shijie hasn’t said anything about it so I’m assuming she hasn’t told her.
I’m grateful. I don’t know what I would have done if shijie had found out.
I hold his hand tightly, my feet tapping anxiously against the tile floor.
The room is stark white and smells of hand sanitiser and medicine. He would hate it if he were awake.
It’s alright. If all goes well he should be back home in a few weeks.
I look at the clock as it ticks down, the DNR bracelet feels constricting around my wrist as the time gets closer and closer to noon.
I chose noon because it’s right after they come to change his saline bags. Nobody will be here after that for another hour.
My mind spirals as the second’s tick by, I start to sweat as the nurse walks in with a cart of medical equipment.
She asks me if I’m ok.
I say I’m just a little warm.
It feels like she was there forever before she finally leaves. I take a deep breath as the door closes and immediately reach down for my bag.
I never once let go of his hand as I pull it into my lap and begin riffling around for my knife.
Finally, I pulled it out and finally let go of his hand. I wish he was awake. Just for a minute. I want to say goodbye.
I already told shijie and Jin Ling that I love them. Of course, they didn’t know why.
It’s better that way.
I hope Jin Zixuan continues to treat her well. I know that he will beat him to next year if he doesn’t.
I think about Wen Qing and Wen Ning. I feel bad about putting them through this. Especially Wen Qing who I know is going to be set on performing the surgery herself.
I don’t expect them to forgive me.
With that, I begin cutting. First one, then two, then three and four and five. I cut them as deep as I can into my wrist. Better safe than sorry.
It hurts.
It hurts so bad I want to scream but I can’t. If I scream they’ll come early and the DNR only applies after my heart’s stopped and I won’t be given this chance again.
I lay the knife down on the floor and drop my heavily bleeding arm over the armrest of the uncomfortable hospital chair.
I sit there as I begin to get dizzy.
My eyes grow heavier and heavier as more and more blood spills onto the floor.
I smile and close my eyes for what will be the last time. I only have one thought as I slump further into my chair.
With this, Jiang Cheng will live.