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“I love you Zhongli.”
The door of the funeral parlor creaked open as Childe walked in. He skipped merrily to the reception desk where Zhongli was seated. With his elbows up on the desk and his head resting in his hands, he gave Zhongli the sweetest smile he could muster.
Zhongli looked up from the ungodly amount of paperwork he was working on and smiled gently back at his lover. His eyes ghosting over his lover's cute face to his bloodied uniform. With the smile never leaving his face, he replied “I love you too Childe,”.
Zhongli paused to step out of the desk and towards his lover, where he wrapped his arms around his waist to bring him in for an embrace. Childe leaned into the hug and reached up for a kiss.
With one arm still around Childe, Zhongli looked down at Childe, eyes closed as he smiled and pointed at the dead body that Childe has deposited outside the funeral parlor.
“But you can’t just keep professing your love to me everytime you need me to get rid of a dead body.”
“Awww and I thought you would do anything for me.”
“For you, anything my dear,” Zhongli said as he stepped away from Childe and went closer to the body to inspect it. It was a male, probably in his 50’s, his throat had been slit and one of his arms was nearly cut cleanly off, save for the little bone that held it together. Zhongli would have to stitch that back before sending the unfortunate soul off. With one last inspection to the body, Zhongli stood up and turned toward Childe, who was washing his bloodied hand in the sink.
“I do wish you would stop killing the citizens of Liyue, though I’m no longer their God, I rather they not be killed before their time is up.”
Childe did not reply, but continued to clean the blood off his exposed skin, which included that small window of skin near Childe’s hip that made Zhongli’s throat dry every time his eyes fell upon it. Really, did no one teach Childe how to properly button his shirt. Because of that Zhongli has to deal with countless shameless people that would ogle at his lover every time he lifted his arms. Zhongli was contemplating if he should buy Childe some new clothes, yes seeing Childe in traditional Liyuen clothes would be nice. He could pick out a deep blue one, one that would bring out his eyes and complement his hair. Zhongli would have to contact the seamstress about the outfit later.
While Zhongli was busy nodding his head as he was deep in thought, Childe has plopped his ass down on the sofa in the funeral parlor.
“What do you expect from me my dear xiansheng, I am a harbinger, I kill for a living. And granted I do not wish to kill the innocent, but if The Tsaritsa wishes so, I would comply. And besides,” Childe stretches his hand up as he tilts his head backwards to give Zhongli a smile, “that guy is hardly innocent. He was trafficking kids.”
Zhongli turned to look down at the corpse, eyes narrowing as he let out a small hum. He would have to reconsider how much he is willing to do for that corpse. With that, Zhongli walked to where Childe was and planted a kiss on his head, pushing Childe’s legs off the sofa so he could settle next to his lover.
“But still, you can’t keep bringing dead bodies here, Hu Tao is starting to get suspicious.”
“Really, I thought she would be ecstatic to see her business doing so well.”
“She’s not so shameless to wish death upon those who do not deserve it.”
“Hmmm”
They sat in silence for a moment, Childe silently braiding some of the flowers he had found along the way here into Zhongli’s hair. His hands worked quickly as they wove the brown strand into a braid. He finished quickly and Zhongli turned around to face Childe, bringing his braid forward to examine Childe’s handiwork.
“You're as beautiful as ever.”
“You're saying that to make me dispose of the body aren’t you?”
Childe chuckled, “True, but that doesn't change the fact that you are indeed the most beautiful person I have ever laid eyes on, especially with all those statues of you half-naked around Liyue.” Childe wiggled his eyebrows as he pulled up photographs of the Statue of the Seven to further prove his point.
“Archons, please never bring that up again,” Zhongli muttered, head in his hands as he remembered how the sculptors had begged him to take off his top for the statue, exposing his entire torso for the whole of Liyue to see. “And besides” Zhongli said as he took the photos away from Childe, one arm gesturing at his own body, eyebrow raised questioningly, “why do you need these photos when you could just ask me to show you.”
“Actually I was thinking,” said his lover, very blatantly ignoring Zhongli and snatching the photos back from him, “if your so worked up about me killing people, I could tell you when I plan on killing someone, and who knows, maybe a dashingly handsome and mysterious funeral consultant would come to their rescue.” Childe exclaimed as he threw his arms up and fainted dramatically into Zhongli’s lap.
“Oh dear, a handsome funeral consultant has come to save us.” Childe said in a falsetto as he hooked his arm around Zhongli’s neck. Zhongli chuckled at his lover's cute antics and played along.
“Ah yes, it is I the dashingly handsome funeral consultant here to save you from the bloodthirsty debt collector who is out for your lives.”
“Bloodthirsty debt collector who is devastatingly good looking you mean.” Childe asked, lips curled upward and hands cupped under his chin as he flaunted his good looks as Zhongli.
“Yes yes, the extremely cute and beautiful redhead who I would travel to the abyss and back for.”
“Aww you flirt.”
And the two laughed at their own jokes.
“But seriously, if it really bothers you I could inform you when I would be killing someone.” said Childe as he turned to look at Zhongli. Was this a breach of his contract with the Fatui and Tsaritsa? Of course it was, but what the Tsaritsa didn’t know won’t hurt her. As if reading his mind, Zhongli voiced out what Childe had just been wondering.
“As much as I would love to swoop in dashingly to save innocent lives, wouldn't you be breaching your contract with the Fatui by doing that?” Zhongli stared down at Childe, eyebrows arched questioningly.
Silence.
Childe contemplated on how he could rope his lover into his shameless roleplay in which an evil Harbinger is being defeated by an absolutely gorgeous ex-god with the best ass that Childe has ever seen in the world. Did Childe stare at Zhongli ass for extended periods of time. Yes. But that was not the point, the point is Zhongli needed to save some innocent souls from a bloodthirsty harbinger who is out to kill them. So Childe hatched a plan.
“I could, you know, drop hints about when I’m going to kill someone, that way” Childe looked up at Zhongli and lifted his braid, hands skimming over the loose brown strands as he undid it. “I won't be actually telling you when I’m going,” Childe said, wiggling his eyebrows as he redid the braid, taking out all the flowers.
“Hmm…. I guess you could '' came a short reply. It felt nice, Zhongli thought, having Childe gently tugging his hair causing Zhongli’s skin to tingle. Really it was a numbing feeling,those gentle tugs on his scalp as Childe tightened his grip on Zhongli’s hair. Zhongli’s eyes dropped as his mind slowly slipped into unconsciousness. By the time Childe was done with the braid, Zhongli’s head was dropping forward, eyes completely closed now.
“Zhongli⁓”
“Hmmm”
A kiss was placed upon the funeral consultants lips.
“Let’s go home xian sheng.”
“I rather you called me bao bei.”
Childe chuckled as he helped Zhongli up.
“Yes bao bei, let’s go home.”
Satisfied with Childe’s response, Zhongli stood up and went with his lover back into their room.
— —
It was around a month later when Childe had LOUDLY announced that he would be going out a week from now to, in fact, not kill some innocent souls but instead take a relaxing stroll along Qingce village, where he will definitely not be killing anyone.
Zhongli resisted the urge to laugh at his lovers dumb explanation.
The week after on a Sunday morning, Childe had left for Qingce village with Zhongli setting off to the same location not long after his lover left.
Childe was humming and skipping lightly along the way to the village. His subordinates who were unfortunate enough to be picked for this mission stared at their superior questioningly, but not saying anything for fear that they might be killed. The group arrived at the village not long after and Childe hopped up the stairs to a small hut nestled quite far from the rest of the houses.
The target today was a man from Fontaine who had decided to come to Liyue to expand his business but had unfortunately failed due to him going bankrupt. He had then borrowed some money from the Fatui but has yet to repay it. As stated in the contract made, if he was not able to repay his debt then he would have to pay in other ways the Fatui had deemed right. Unfortunately for this man, Dottore had requested a healthy male for his new experiments and had chosen this Fountainian to be brought in, dead.
Childe, of course, had no intention of killing the man, which is why he had told Zhongli.
So there Childe was waiting outside the small hut, smiling and whistling, as he waited for the handsome funeral consultant to come. Childe was eager to fight Zhongli. Of course, he would not be sparing with him seriously. Childe had planned on deliberately losing to Zhongli so that he would have the rest of his Sunday free, which he would be spending it with Zhongli. The harbinger smiled at the thought of that. And so he waited.
One hour later, Zhongli was nowhere to be seen.
Another hour later, still no Zhongli.
By the third hour, the Fatui agents that were brought along were starting to get restless. One of them cautiously approached Childe, as if afraid that the Harbinger would destroy him on the spot, and asked “Um Lord Harbinger sir, who exactly is it that you are waiting for?”
Childe gazed at the small village beneath them, unanswering.
The Fatui agent shifted uncomfortably as the silence continued.
Childe sighed and the agent jumped back.
“How much does this man owes us again?”
“Around 10mil mora sir.”
“Take the money out from my account and leave the man alone. Tell no one about this, especially Dottore.” Childe ordered, still staring ahead.
There was no answer.
The Harbinger turned and glared at the agent, voice cold and strict with no room for argument as he asked,
“Is that understood.”
“Yes sir.”
“Good.”
Childe sighed, yet again as he walked away from the hut.
Though he did not walk far before something slammed into his chin, causing him to bite his tongue. Blood flowed freely down Childe’s chin as he glared at the stupid pillar that had suddenly erected itself from the ground. It was a familiar pillar to Childe, one that he had seen multiple times during his sparring sessions with Zhongli.
Childe reached for his bow and fired a shot towards Zhongli, who was now standing at the bottom of the stairs with an apologetic smile on his face. Long forgotten were the thoughts of losing to Zhongli, Childe was going to kill that man. Not only did he arrive 3 hours late for their date(was it a date? Childe didn’t know but he was angry) but he had the audacity to punch Childe in the face, with a FUCKING piller.
At the bottom of the stairs, Zhongli stared as his charming lover flung his body down at him, hydro weapons raised and face full of fury.
— —
They fought, of course, quite literally until Childe was laying on the ground, tired from exhaustion and Zhongli sitting quietly beside him, breath still steady even though Childe felt like throwing up.
Zhongli turned to look at Childe, who by now had his eyes closed. He thought about what he should do, how would Zhongli explain to Childe that the reason he was late for their date(yes it was a date) was because Zhongli was stopped by the seamstress asking about the particulars regarding Childe’s Hanfu. Though the outfit might be a tad bit traditional, Zhongli knew that it would look good on Childe. From then onwards, Zhongli had spent 2 hours discussing with the seamstress on how she could alter her designs so that the clothes would be able to complement Childe’s amazing physique.
Now in the present, all Zhongli could do was mutter a pathetic “Sorry” which Childe completely ignored and continued to keep his eyes closed. Zhongli sighed, cursing himself for getting so distracted. How would he make it up to Childe? He sat there thinking while Childe continued to give him the silent treatment.
Childe was slipping into unconsciousness when Zhongli announced for him to follow.
“Come my love.” Zhongli said, offering his hand to Childe.
Childe was angry at Zhongli, but he still decided to follow Zhongli because how can anyone ever say no to that beautiful man. And so the ginger followed his lover to a teleporter as they teleported to the peak of Mount Ao Cang.
It was lunchtime by then, the sun high in the sky. The plan had been to finish by noon and head back to Liyue Harbor for lunch but some blockhead had made him wait for 3 hours. Zhongli still hadn't offered an explanation to Childe as to why they were on the mountain, only a brief instruction for him to make himself comfortable before disappearing. However, that was not possible. He was aware that this mountaintop was one of the adaptus abode, Cloud Retainer’s specifically, and did not wish to further offend the people of Liyue. So there he was, sitting under a tree that was the furthest away from the cave entrance with a barrier erected before it. After nearly drowning most of Liyue, Childe was acutely aware of the stares that he got from people and did not wish to incur the wrath of one of Liyue’s sworn protectors by loitering outside their house.
It was around an hour later when Zhongli finally came back holding a basket of food. By then, Childe had dozed off, body tired from the stupid spar he had with Zhongli. Quitely, Zhongli quickly set out the food on the table near Cloud Retainer’s abode. After that was done, he went to get Childe, gently patting his face to wake him. The Harbinger sat up, alert, before relaxing after realizing it was just Zhongli.
By then Childe was starving. He looked up at Zhongli, who was asking him to come to the table. Sighing yet again, Childe stood up and followed him. Near the table, Zhongli gestured to the stone stool facing the entrance of the abode and said,
“Sit.”
“.......”
“Come sit.”
“Should I really be sitting there? Won’t Cloud Retainer strike me down or something.
“Why would she do that?”
“Because I tried to drown Liyue?”
There was a pause of silence as Zhongli considered what Childe had said. Finally, he brushed it off and pushed Childe into the seat.
“It’ll be fine, I can talk to her.”
Childe sat himself down and looked at the food before him.
“So what now, I eat?”
Childe turned back to look at Zhongli only to see him kneeling on the ground before him, forehead nearly touching the stone floor. Childe sprang up from the seat and slapped Zhongli’s shoulder and proceeded to scold him.
“What the fuck are you doing. Get the fuck up, stop kneeling.”
Zhongli remained on the ground as he proclaimed,
“I have made a mistake and I have to beg for forgiveness. I will not stand up till you forgive me.”
Childe stared down at the idiot who just so happens to be his lover. How was he so stupid, why was he so stupid and why the fuck does Childe like this idiot so much. He stared down at his lover, eyes darkening as he said,
“You better get the fuck up now or I’m never talking to you again.”
Zhongli hastily got up before staring at Childe.
“Did you actually mean that?”
“Did you just try to force me to forgive you.”
“I didn’t force you.”
“You got on your knees and said you won’t get up till I forgive you.”
The consultant's mouth opened and closed like a gaping fish as he processed what Childe had said.
“I’m sorry I did not realize that I was doing that.” Zhongli said, sheepishly looking at Childe.
“Ya, cause you're a fucking idiot.”
“.....But I’m your idiot.” Zhongli said before smiling at Childe.
“Did your gnosis contain parts of your brain, is that why you're acting like this now.”
“Nope, only around you.”
Childe grunted and mumbled something incomprehensible before sitting down on the stone stool and proceeding to stab the food prepared by Zhongli with his chopsticks.
“I hate you, you know that.” Childe said, not looking at his lover.
“Yes, I know, but I still love you,” said Zhongli.
There was a moment of silence as Childe started to eat, because, holy Celestials, was he starving by now. He paused for a bit and turned to look at his lover.
“Why are you standing? Come sit and eat with me.”
And so Zhongli sat down and had lunch with his lover.