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The thing Yaz feared the most had happened. They’d arrived back in Sheffield without the Doctor and now they were stuck here. With no way of getting back to the Doctor. No way of knowing what happened after they left Gallifrey. No way of knowing if she was alive or… or if she was dead.
At first, she still had hope. Her senses were on high alert at every sound, every rumble, every gust of wind had her straining, hoping to hear the familiar VWORP of the Tardis. Even the faintest flash that reminded her of that brilliant blue had her running to the window, searching desperately for a long grey coat and a flicker of blond hair. For days she didn’t sleep just in case she missed something. This couldn’t be how things ended. The Doctor couldn’t be gone. Not like this, not after everything that had happened. Not before she’d had a chance to tell her. To tell her just how much she meant to her, tell her how she felt, even if she hadn’t quite told herself yet. She wanted more, more universe, more of the Doctor. But the days continued to pass without a sign and no matter how hard she looked, how hard she searched she always came up empty. So that hope, the hope that had once burnt like a fury inside her began to fade and in its place, came a heavy and persistent ache that intensified with every passing day.
From then on, Yaz found that time passed in an indistinct haze, The days and nights seemed to roll into one. It could have been days, weeks or months since they arrived back in Sheffield and all Yaz felt was empty. Her mind felt clouded and heavy as if she was living in a constant fog of worry and fear. She didn’t really sleep or eat and she couldn’t remember the last time she had a shower. It all just felt so pointless. The doctor was out there somewhere, alone. What if she needed help, what if she was hurt or… or worse.
It felt like the world, and indeed the Universe had lost its spark, her life of travelling with the Doctor gradually became nothing but a faded and distant memory. There were points when she felt like it could all have been a dream.
At some point, she realised that she’d fallen into a dark hole and honestly, she didn’t care.
She didn’t even try to pretend, she was so far past that, that it would have been laughable to even try.
She stopped going to work, the job that she had once loved, a job she would have given everything for.
Because once you’ve met the Doctor and have travelled with her, then suddenly being without her, there were no words to describe such a pain. So she hid from everyone and everything she had once loved and let the grief consume her.
At some point she started sleeping in the Tardis the Doctor sent them back to earth in. Her parents were asking too many questions and Yaz didn’t have the energy to answer them. Restlessly sleeping and frantically searching, that's what her days consist of now. The white walls of the Tardis are now littered with colourful Post-it notes. She noted down every indication, anything that could have been a clue, anything that could give her hope.
She couldn’t even find comfort in the Tardis, because it wasn’t the Tardis she knew, it was too bright, too white and felt so empty. There was no comforting blue and golden glow, no faint hums and beeps and worst of all, no Doctor.
Yaz is existing but not really living, the whole world feels heavy and dark. Even the tears had stopped, they came in waves at first and Yaz would cry until her eyes were red and raw and her head was thumping.
Now there’s just an empty numbness and it's even worse. At least when she was crying she felt something.
The Doctor’s final words she left the Tardis with the death particle constantly haunt her thoughts.
Live great lives.
It sounded like she was saying goodbye.
When she closes her eyes Yaz can still see the almost tears in the Doctor’s eyes as she turned away from her fam for a final time.
It couldn’t be the final time.
In the end, it’s a conversation with Graham that nearly brings her world crashing down.
Because even if Yaz refused to let it, life carries on. The threats to the planet keep coming, or in this case coming back.
Happy New Year Yaz.
When was it the New Year?
Have you been sleeping in here?
Maybe…
Yaz, you can’t keep being in here all the time. The Doc, you know, she went to do something she knew might kill her. We've just got to assume she didn't make it.
But why! What if she needs us!
Graham’s words played over and over in her head.
She went to do something she knew might kill her. We’ve got to assume she didn’t make it.
Why?
That is all she can think.
Why do they have to assume?
Why do they have to accept that the Doctor is presumed dead?
Why?
Yaz didn’t want to accept it. She can’t accept it.
That night, lying awake in the sleeping bag on the floor of the unfamiliar Tardis when the rest of Sheffield was long since sleeping, she gets the message.
Her phone screen lights up and suddenly a projection of the Doctor is standing next to her. A hologram floating just above the control panel.
She’s smiling that stupid smile of hers, the one so wide it feels like it might jump right off her face. But it doesn’t meet her eyes. Eyes so old, so haunted, hazel-green and marked with an overwhelming sadness.
Hi Yaz.
The Doctor smiles again but her cheeks are stained with tears. It's more than just sadness, beyond the tears hides fear, a feeling of hopelessness in knowing what is to come.
A sob catches in Yaz’s throat and she can’t stop herself, with a pained cry she reaches out towards the Doctor. All she wants to do is to wrap her arms around the goofy blonde Alien and pull her in close. She wants to hold her tight and never let go, she can’t bear to see her scared and hurting. But her arms find only empty air, there’s nothing really there. Logically she knows that. She’s seen enough of the Universe to know a hologram when she sees one. It doesn’t mean it hurts any less. If anything, it hurts more.
The hologram in front of her is just another reminder of what she’s lost. And Yaz wants to scream but no sound comes out.
If you’re seeing this message then… then…
The first time that is as far as Yaz gets before she breaks down completely. The message, the Doctor didn’t even have to say the words but it confirmed what a deep corner of her heart already knew.
And she can’t contain it anymore, the grief, the loss, the despair. It feels as if part of her soul, the very fibre of her being has been torn away. Ripped into shreds and tossed into the wind. Pieces she’ll never get back. And it hurts. It hurts so much. The air feels thick and heavy and Yaz can't breathe, it forms a cage around her and she feels so trapped, so alone.
The final fragile threads that have been holding her together snap and the grief, that night it rages.
Yaz cries until the tears run out. She has seen people react to bad news before, it comes with the job. Too many times she’s seen people’s entire worlds change in just a matter of seconds, how just a few words can change everything. She’s seen that first flash of horror cross their eyes, it's something that has never left her.
And now the roles are reversed and she is the one hearing the news. But her world has already stopped. Her world ended the day they returned to earth without the Doctor, the day she lost the best person she ever knew.
The day she lost the person she loved.
Graham and Ryan have started to move on, rebuilding their lives on Earth but Yaz doesn’t know how to.
Her grief is still too fresh, too raw. So she relies on the hologram. She watches it over and over. She watches it till her phone screen flashes and then turns black, the battery dead.
Just like the Doctor, a voice whispers.
Yaz has watched the message so many times she knows it off by heart.
Hi Yaz,
If you’re seeing this message then… then...
Something has happened that I’m not coming back from, even with well…
The Doctor shudders and takes a few moments to compose herself.
Well, that’s not important now.
But there is a look in her eyes. So haunted. So old. For a moment the Doctor looks so lost. She nibbles anxiously at her lip and twists her hand, before looking down at the floor.
You always told me that I talk too much, and now, when it really matters, I can’t find the right words. I should probably say something comforting but I don’t think that will help.
I guess what I’m trying to say is I’m sorry. I’m sorry that things ended this way and I’m sorry I left you alone.
I’ve always known that my time had to run out someday, I just didn’t think it would be yet. There was so much more I wanted to show you, so much more I wanted to say. Fate’s cruel like that.
I’m so sorry I couldn’t give you more time, more Universe.
The Doctor is really crying now. Even with the flickering image of the hologram, Yaz can see the tears, salty rivers streaming down her cheeks.
She wipes her eyes before continuing.
Cause you know what, we were great together.
Then the Doctor smiles one of her face splitting smiles. She raises her head to look Yaz directly in the eye.
Really we were and it was so, so amazing, sharing the Universe with you Yazmin Khan, it's been an honour. So don’t forget that right? Even when bad things happen, even if we lose the people we love, life goes on.
But Yaz can’t see how life can go on. Life without the Doctor just feels so meaningless.
“It’s not fair she screams.”
I know it’s not fair, Yaz. But neither is life. And for all the bad there is still so much good.
Yaz’s heart flutters for a moment. It’s as if the Doctor can hear her and knows how she is feeling.
Life is great. It's full of joy and wonder, care and kindness and so, so much love. And y’know what, darkness never sustains, remember that Yaz, darkness never sustains, even when sometimes it feels like it might.
The Doctor pauses for a moment and takes a deep breath. She glances to the side as if she knows she’s running out of time.
Firstly I want to say, well there are so many things I want to say but not enough time so I’m just going to start with the most important. Yazmin Khan, I love you.
I love you too. Yaz whispers quietly. She’s never said the words out loud before and she’s never told anyone how she really feels about the Doctor.
That the pain she feels is because she lost part of her heart. It’s why she’s hurting so much more and so much longer than the others.
And I’m sorry that I never got to tell you that in person and I’m sorry for all the things that I should have said but didn’t. I’m sorry.
I’m sorry isn’t enough Yaz thinks. I’m sorry isn’t going to fix anything!
The Doctor sighs quietly, she’s carrying such a burden and the weight of it all, it’s crushing her.
It’s just words I know, but please have faith in them.
Her voice is gentle and soft.
I’m sorry for leaving you. And you’ve probably forgotten all about this good-hearted weirdo but I’m just trying to say, well if you haven’t, please don’t be sad. Yasmin Khan, you are too brilliant, too wonderful to spend the rest of your life being sad.
She doesn’t know how she’s supposed to keep living. If this is life without the Doctor, if this is life with grief then it hurts too much and she doesn’t want it, because she can’t forget, she’ll never forget. The way the Doctor made her feel things she had never felt before will be forever engraved on her heart.
Please don’t be sad Yaz.
The Doctor whispers quietly. So quietly Yaz almost misses it.
I am so lucky, so blessed to have been able to share the Universe with you. Keep living your life and keep being wonderful.
The hologram flickers and begins to fade.
I’m running out of time Yaz. I think I have to go but thank you. Thank you for everything.
The Doctor smiles one final time.
And Yaz, look after the Universe for me.
Then the Doctor is gone.
And the silence is stifling.
Yaz listens to the message every day. It’s the first thing she does when she wakes up and the last thing she does before she goes to sleep. Maybe it’s obsessive but she doesn’t care. She hopes that if she watches the hologram enough times she’ll be able to follow the Doctor’s message. That she’ll find hope again
But the grief won’t let go. It clings to her heart and darkens her world and she tries to see the beauty, she really tries but everything is still clouded
Where was her hope now? Why was it so hard to find?
Maybe because she needed the grief. Her grief was all she had, it reminded her every day of just what she had lost. And in her grief, she carries the Doctor with her. Letting go of her grief would be like letting go of the Doctor and she isn’t sure she can do that.
Life just feels so empty, so monotonous. When you’ve run across the stars, the mundaneness of everyday life just feels so dull, so meaningless.
But somehow she has to keep going. She has to do what the Doctor asked. Look after the Universe for me.
She starts with Jack Robertson and the Dalek he’s managed to get hold of. His inflated ego and the Dalek's destructive power present a real threat.
Then sat in Graham’s kitchen working out their plan, Yaz’s world shatters all over again.
“Listen!” She cries. Because this time she’s sure. It’s not her mind playing tricks, it’s not her desperate hope. It’s real, she feels it. The VWORP and gentle rush of air.
Moments later the Tardis lands and this time Graham’s furniture remains intact. Instead, it’s Yaz that almost breaks, because out of the blue Police box steps the Doctor and Yaz’s world shatters all over again. But this time in the best possible way.