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usually you were able to feel ok. like your body was what you wanted it to be.
with the insane about of work you’ve had recently, it’s easy to not think about it.
but sometimes it gets really hard, especially during your ‘time of the month,’ as people who are too scared to say anything else will call it.
yours doesn’t come too often, thankfully. but when it does, it’s *bad*.
it’s often been that you haven’t been able to take commissions for several days, instead curling up in a ball and trying to just make it through it.
but this time it’s different.
you were already so upset about yourself. your chest, the way people still call you ‘Miss’ and ‘Ma’am’. it quickly became everything about you, and how you’ll never really feel like you’re who you want to be.
when you woke up to find blood on the sheets, you damn near ripped a hole in them just to get your anger out. of course it would happen now.
you told Diluc you wanted to stay in bed for a while longer when he finally woke up, so you waited for him to leave. when you got up, you immediately stripped the bed, begging that it didn’t soak through.
you put on protection and immediately walked down to Adelinde, sheets in hand.
she looks sympathetic and tries to take it from you, but you just ask if you can do it yourself. she nods, and takes you to the washroom, saying that she’ll put new sheets on the bed.
you put whatever water is available in the tub, pouring in some soap as well.
you grab a washboard and immediately start scrubbing the hell out of the fabric, trying to get the blood out. the last thing you needed right now was soiled sheets.
you don’t want to think about it, how it’s yours. but, as you continue to try to clean it, your stomach begins to roll in on itself. you try to choke back tears, but it doesn’t help.
when you’re finally done, there are holes in the fabric, and your knuckles are bleeding. you sigh, taking the now-permanently ruined sheets and dumping out the water,
you don’t want to leave a mess for the maids.
you carefully walk back out into the main room.
‘Adelinde?’ you call, and you can hear her quickly walk over.
‘what can i help you with?’ you hold up your hand, battered from your epic duel with a patch of blood. she ‘tsks’ and walks you back into the washing room.
‘i’m sorry,’ you sniff, rubbing your eyes as she cleans you off.
‘it’s alright, we’ll figure out something to do with the sheets, alright?’ you nod, wondering what it will end up becoming.
she carefully wraps each of your fingers before taking away the ruined cloth and leading you back up to your room. she gives you painkillers and water, and tells you to let her know if you need anything.
she knows better than to try to make a big deal out of it. your period always knocks you out like this.
but right now, you were wishing you didn’t let Diluc leave.
you pull a pillow to your chest, trying to alleviate any amount of the pain. you feel gross already, why can’t you just be normal?
you begin to sob, curling in on yourself as much as you possibly can, desperate to have any semblance of peace or reprieve.
every emotion seems to crash around your ears, and you feel like you’re just flipping through them, bringing you to the verge of tears because you’re just so overwhelmed with things you’re not even feeling.
and on top of it all, you feel like a girl.
that’s what sends you spiraling completely. you simply can’t handle this right now. you just woke up, you already don’t feel right, you just want to go back to sleep until it’s over.
you bury your face into the clean sheets, and try to block everything out.
—-
when Adelinde comes back to check on you, you haven’t moved, but you’re not asleep. she carefully sits next to you, running her fingers through your hair.
you lean into it, desperately soaking up whatever motherly instinct Adelinde is setting out.
‘have you eaten?’ you shake your head. ‘do you want to?’ you pause before shaking again.
‘i really don’t want to move.’ she nods, and then begins to walk out.
‘Master Diluc is going to be arriving soon, i would recommend eating at least a little bit.’ that gets your attention and gets you out of bed.
you follow her out, eating only a little bit of bread and fruit before feeling too sick and getting back into bed.
you can’t say you didn’t try.
—-
it’s barely a nightmare, but it’s not a peaceful sleep.
you can’t stop thinking about how much is going wrong.
commissions take up so much of your time, so along with your job it’s difficult to find time for yourself.
more importantly, it’s hard to find time with Diluc, given how much you both work.
it’s so hard not to place all of you worth into the words of others, and especially his words. he always knows what to say to make you feel better, to help you through your worst days.
but it’s not fair to put that on him.
the lack of time together has zapped your energy more than if everything else was the same, but he was there.
your stomach aches even in your sleep, body protesting against everything.
you just need to wait for someone to come help. someone has to take pity on you at some point, right?
you can’t seem to relax, so maybe a restless sleep is the best you can have right now.
—-
you wake up to a hand brushing over your cheeks, and you sigh. Diluc’s body is so warm next to yours, making you sink into it as he pulls you closer.
you’re still in so much pain, trying to stay comfortable while also acting normal. but that’s near impossible to do, given how awful you feel.
you watch as he moves you so your back is against his chest, and places one of his hands on your lower belly. the heat and pressure do wonders for your cramps, and he knows that. he runs hot because of his Vision, so it makes him a great heating pad.
not that you’ve ever asked for it. he just knows when you need it.
you sigh, curling up onto yourself as much as possible, hoping he’d just let the two of you sit there.
he looks at your bandaged hand, sighing and putting it up to his lips.
‘are you alright?’
damn him.
he knows the only way to get you to talk sometimes is to ask. he’s seen it happen before: everything seems fine with someone until he asks. it’s only now that he’s begun to use it to his advantage.
you immediately begin crying, pressing your face into your hands, palms over your eyes, as you stutter out your breaths.
‘it’s ok.’ he hushes, rubbing your shoulder. ‘let it out, i’ll be here.’
you turn around, shoving your face into his chest.
you have one of your hands clutching at his shirt, the other pressing desperately at your stomach. you’re crying harder, the emotional distress bleeding into your pain.
he moves his hand so it’s on your lower back, the other on the back of your neck.
you sit there, allowing yourself to be angry with your body.
when you finally pull away from Diluc, it’s not because you’re completely ready to. your face is hot and sticky from the tears, making you feel gross. you look up at him, sniffles still wracking your body.
‘what caused this?’
‘i don’t feel good. i haven’t for a while.’ you wipe your face. ‘i’m a girl, people keep telling me that. not explicitly, but they call me Miss and Ma’am. my chest doesn’t feel good, and now my period started.’ you’re about to start crying again when a hand cups your chin and lifts your eyes upward.
‘i know how easy it is to give into what other people say about you.’ he kisses your forehead. ‘but don’t listen to them, ok? they don’t know you as well as you do.’
‘but that’s how people see me.’ you curl in again, your body fighting itself. ‘i just want to not be seen as a girl, and i can’t even do that.’
Diluc carefully moves you so your back is against him, and you sink into him. his hand comes up and lays across your stomach again.
‘you’re my handsome, pretty partner. it doesn’t matter what other people think, i know it’s true, and i’ll remind you as often as you need, alright?’
you nod a little, not really believing him.
‘you can come to me whenever, and i’ll tell you just how amazing i think you are.’ you nod, but he just looks into your eyes.
‘i promise i’ll come to you.’
‘thank you.’ he kisses your forehead again. ‘what can i do?’
‘keep your hand there, please. it’s helping.’
‘of course my love.’ he buries his face into your neck. ‘i love you. you’re perfect, don’t let anyone else try to convince you otherwise. tell me if there’s ever anything i can do to help you feel better.’
‘i love you.’ you can feel yourself on the verge of tears again. ‘thank you.’
‘have you eaten?’ you shake your head. ‘have you been able to get out of bed?’
‘i did for a little bit, but all i managed to do was rip a hole in the sheets. that’s why they’re different than they were this morning.’
he nods a little bit but doesn’t say anything.
‘do you want to take a bath? just to get clean?’
the last thing in the world you want right now is to be aware of how you look. you know he’s trying to be helpful, but it feels bad.
‘i’ll get in the tub with you, if you’d like. for a distraction. i just think more heat would be better for the pain you’re in.’
‘but it’s going to be gross to be in the tub with me.’ you can feel him smile against your skin.
‘i don’t ever think you’re gross.’ he leaves for a second to start the water, and then returns to help you undress, putting a towel over you until you’re actually in the bathroom. carefully, he takes off the bandages, grateful to see it’s just some minor scratches.
you let him help you into the tub, his chest against your back. his hand rests against your stomach again. the heat from him and the water is helping.
‘is there anything i can do to help you feel better?’
‘this is good.’ you smile, leaning farther into him. ‘you still being here is all i could ever ask for.’
‘i’m sorry to say this, but there’s no way you’re getting rid of me. you’re truly stuck with me.’ you smile.
‘are you sure? i know it’s a lot.’
he pulls you closer.
‘nothing is too much for me, not when it’s you.’ you can feel yourself begin to cry again, your body and mind unsure of how to process that information. ‘please don’t cry Darling, it’s true.’
you nod, grabbing onto his hand over your stomach.
‘i love you.’
‘i love you too. please rest, i’ll take care of you.’ nodding, you allow your head to fall back, basking in the warmth of the tub and his words.