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Kaeya doesn’t know. he can’t.
it doesn’t matter how uncomfortable you are wearing a binder all the time around him, and by extension everyone else.
even when you’re called a boy sometimes something in you is irked, but you’d rather be mistaken for a boy than try to explain that you’re somewhere outside of the two.
which is why, even now on a Friday night in the tavern, you’re wearing your binder.
—-
it’s not too bad when you’re able to go out on your own. you can usually breathe a little better, not worried about the way your tongue may slip and you’d call yourself the wrong name, or say something that made others suspicious of you.
your commissions are easy, taking just a few hilicurls and abyss mages down. of course, it would have been much easier if you had thought to take your binder off, but what does it matter.
you grab your commission money, grab some food, then take your leave.
you trudge back home, and take it off as soon as you get into the door. your body aches and groans, begging for food and air. you readily give it such, and then get into bed.
—-
when you look at yourself in the mirror, all you can ever see are the bruises. the way they line the majority of your chest and arms, ever present.
you know it’s not healthy. you only wear it when you have to go out.
—-
you’re working yourself to the bone, and you know it. commissions and work for the Knights is deemed to be too much by others. you’re not on outreach, mostly just a worker that helps people from other nations get settled in when they visit. not that that happens often, so you usually just run around and help people.
it’s really just what happens when no one else is around that makes everyday hard, and your nights longer.
the hours of dreading yourself, picking yourself apart in the mirror, trying to figure out what else would help. the moments where you’re alone between commissions or errands, slumped against a wall with your hand on it because you can’t seem to catch your breath. sometimes even just patrolling seems like too much work.
everyone else knows it too. perhaps that’s why Kaeya was assigned to keep you company on your commissions.
no, that’s exactly why.
Jean called you in, and expressed her concerns. said you weren’t looking well, and she refused to lose a Knight under her watch. she asked if you would take a break, and you said no.
so here you are.
he watches as you try to train Ellin, as you run errands for Glory and Sara, and as you get rid of a single hilichurl camp.
‘is there any reason that all of my commissions seem to be within the city, Sir Kaeya?’ you ask, sweat gathering at your brow.
‘i have no idea.’ he smiles a little, which makes you roll your eyes. wiping your hands, you begin to walk to the city. ‘what’s left on your agenda for today?’ he asks, trotting beside you to meet your gaze as you walk.
‘mostly just small errands. you’re more than welcome to take off if you need to.’ he’s not stupid. he can tell you’re trying to get rid of him.
‘nonsense, this is what i was tasked to do, and so i intend to do it.’ you groan internally but put up with it, knowing it’ll only get bad if you don’t.
—-
you drink in the tavern with him after work, listening to his stories and sharing your own. it becomes somewhat of a tradition, immediately going to Angel’s Share after the day was done.
it’s nice, to know he cares outside of work.
doesn’t make it any less annoying when he shows up outside of your door the next morning though.
—-
Lisa starts needing your help more in the library. everything limits you to the Knights’ Headquarters, and you can see right through it.
but, Kaeya still catches you as you’re about to leave.
‘done for the day?’ you can hear him ask, checking the time. ‘it’s pretty early.’
‘only thing for today is that two kids on my street need help with practicing for their wind-gliding exam. i basically booked myself completely with it, because i know it will take a long time. i don’t need a chaperone.’
‘ah, but not following you would mean that i would get chewed out, and i desperately do not wish for that to happen.’ you scoff, but nod your head to make him follow you.
Maria and Anthony are so excited to see you, grabbing at your arms and yanking you around. Kaeya watches in amusement.
Anthony grabs onto you Vision as he always does, and you clip it onto his shirt.
‘i’m going to have a Vision someday, and i’ll make everyone proud of me!’ he says, marching off slightly. Maria squeals in happiness and chases after them.
‘quite lively, aren’t they?’ Kaeya says, laughing a little. you smile at him.
‘they are, but i promised them i would help them learn when they saw me gliding around a while back.’ they march back over to you, and Anthony gives your Vision back. ‘ok kids, what’re we going to do today?’
‘we need to practice landing!’ they say, and you smile a little.
‘ok, then i need you to talk to your parents and make sure it’s ok with them if i take you two to the city wall. it’s much easier to practice on grass.’
‘ok!’ they say, scurrying inside. you turn to Kaeya.
‘you really are more than welcome to go.’ you say, smiling a little. ‘this isn’t exactly within the bounds of the work of the Knights.’
‘ah, but you’re mistaken.’ your eyes flick to his. ‘it’s a Captain’s duty to make sure everyone in the city is safe, and that they are not a harm to themselves or others. and teaching children absolutely falls in that range.’
‘Sir Kaeya, if i was a fool i would think you just wanted to spend time with me.’
‘who’s to say i don’t want to spend time with a friend?’
you smile a little, your constricting chest a little lighter with his words.
‘we’re back! they said it’s ok!’ Maria says, running and jumping onto you. you’re just barely able to catch her.
‘then off we go!’ you say, Maria over your shoulder.
you lead the four of you outside of the main gate, hugging the city wall until you come across the rock you were thinking of. it’s not too far of a drop, so they won’t get seriously injured if they fall.
you demonstrate for them twice, and then they get started.
you’re having trouble catching your breath, sweat lining your brow.
‘are you ok?’ Kaeya looks at you, his brow furrowed in worry.
‘yeah, i’m fine.’ you smile, breathing heavily.
they ask you to demonstrate again, and you do. but this time, it goes wrong.
your glider pops out late because you can barely move your arms. you hit the ground quickly, just barely able to escape the fate of having your face rub against the ground.
‘how about the two of you go back to your parents, and we’ll help you out again soon, alright?’ you can hear the worry in his voice as he watches you crouching, body shaking. ‘keep practicing!’
as soon as you can’t hear their footsteps anymore, your arms give out, and you collapse.
your eyes begin watering, and you can hear footsteps approaching.
‘oh, what have you done?’ Kaeya asks, helping you
onto your back. you stare up at him, your face covered in dirt. your body aches, and when you try to sit up, more tears come to your eyes.
you can’t even speak, feeling like there’s not enough air to. your chest is rising and falling desperately, just trying not to pass out.
‘are you hurt?’
you shake your head, your mouth dry.
‘that’s a lie, i’m taking you to the Cathedral.’
you shake your head, grabbing onto him. they’ll figure out what you’ve done to yourself. you’ll be forced to stay there because you need to recover, everyone will know about how you were truly born.
‘no? then, pray tell, where am i supposed to take you?’
‘home.’ you get out between gasps. he huffs a little but nods.
Kaeya is no fool. you’re hiding something. it doesn’t matter what it is, not to him. he just needs you to be safe.
‘the second i think you need it, we’re going to the Cathedral, alright?’ you nod, and he helps you stand.
the first two steps are great, but the third has you fumbling. Kaeya, just wanting to get you laid down, picks you up and leans you against his chest. when you struggle, he just grips tighter.
you allow yourself to sag against him, knowing you’ll get home much quicker if you allow him to carry you.
when the two of you make it back, you’re quick to open the door and try to bid him goodnight.
‘no.’ he says, crossing his arms and putting his foot against the door so you can’t close it. ‘you’re a fool if you think i’m going to leave you here like this.’
you bite the inside of your cheek, and let him inside, knowing he would break down the door if he had to.
you should probably be with someone right now anyway.
you let him lead you to your bed, and he grabs the first aid kit. he tends to the small cuts and scrapes you’ve earned, watching your every move.
Kaeya is deliberately taking his time, trying to see if your breathing will even out. but it’s not. if anything, it’s getting worse.
‘i need to see if you’ve broken anything in your chest.’ your head swivels to him, shaking your head.
‘no, i’m fine.’
‘i’m sorry, but i need to figure out why your breathing is still bad. it’s been bad for a while, but right now it’s heavily concerning.’
‘it’s fine!’ you yell, getting newfound energy and bolting into the bathroom, locking the door behind you.
‘Y/n? Y/n!’ you can hear him calling for you, but you try to block it out. you hit your hands over your ears, sobbing and telling him to leave you alone.
the world around you begins to fall apart. it feels like you’re a million miles away from everything, floating alone. you can’t breathe.
your panic and the tightness of the extra shirt make it impossible for you to breathe, gasping but coming up empty.
you can feel the door rattle against your back, and you reach up to unlock it.
you move away from the door, watching as Kaeya comes in and immediately kneels next to you.
he looks at your wide eyes and places your hand on his chest, trying to force you to breathe. you can’t figure out what’s happening over the ringing in your ears and tears in your eyes. everything is just too much.
your breathing gets slightly better as you try to match his, but it’s still creaky and wrong.
you know what you have to do, but it’s still scary. this is the first time you’ve ever felt that someone truly cares for you for who you are. someone who didn’t know what you were like before you came into the city.
‘help.’ you say softly, not really able to do it any other way. ‘it hurts.’
‘what hurts?’ you hear, and you put your hand on your chest.
‘help.’ he helps you stand and gets you back to the bed, laying you down. ‘please don’t hate me.’
your sobs become violent, making whatever progress you made in your breathing disappear. you grab onto Kaeya’s hands as they hover over you, sobbing and begging. repeating it over and over again.
‘i won’t hate you, i promise. i need to look, but i won’t until you’re a little bit calmer, ok?’ you nod, trying to regulate your breathing.
after a couple minutes, you nod. he carefully helps you sit up, and gets your shirt off of you without making your arms go above your head.
you sob as you lay in front of him, all of your secrets bared at the removal of a single flimsy shirt. scars lining your arms and legs, most of them fresh from you standing for far too long in front of a mirror. tight fabric binding your chest down, your chest only slightly moving from the pressure.
he looks at you for a second, taking you in. you’re so close to yelling at him to get out, but he takes the underside of the fabric in his hands, pulling on it delicately.
you suck in your breath, allowing him to pull it off of you. it hurts to breathe, but it’s much better now. once it’s off, you immediately curl onto your side away from him, pulling your arms over your chest.
you begin to shake, trying to figure out what to do. he knows, what is he going to do?
a blanket is placed over you, but you can’t find it in you to look at him. your body struggles to remain calm, but eventually your exhaustion takes over, and you fall asleep.
—-
when you wake up, it’s only been a few hours, and you know that because it’s finally dark outside.
you look down at yourself, wrapped up in a blanket, no shirt but your pants still on. your shoes were removed, but you don’t remember doing it.
everything comes rushing back, and you curl up tighter into the blanket. he knows, and you’re probably going to get told off.
your stomach aches, but you’re unsure if it’s hunger or sadness. you slowly get up, and find a shirt. you try not to look at yourself for too long, but it’s clear that there’s a lot of bruising.
when you make it out of your room, the first thing you notice is Kaeya asleep at the table, his head down and arms cushioning it.
the next thing you notice is your binder, spread out on the table on a damp towel.
you were so scared of what he’d say. you’re glad it was him that was in charge of you. at least now you know he wouldn’t hurt you.
he must hear you, because he wakes up after a few moments, rubbing his eye and yawning.
‘oh, you’re awake.’ he smiles, sleep still in his eye and voice. ‘i hope it’s ok i helped you take it off, you asked for help.’ he says, pointing at the binder. ‘it was kind of dingedy, so i went ahead and washed it. i don’t want you to wear it for a while, you’re at severe risk of hurting your ribs if you haven’t already.’
you begin to sob. but he knows it’s not because of the information he’s giving you. not in full, at least.
‘i was so scared.’ you sob, your chest aching. ‘i was so scared of what you would say, what you would think of me.’ he walks over to you, opening his arms to give you comfort. you immediately accept, pressing as far into him as you can go. ‘i don’t want to leave.’
‘why would you have to leave?’
‘i’m not what everyone thinks i am. i’m a liar. a fraud.’ you grab onto his shoulders, crying harder. ‘i don’t want to do, but everyone is going to think badly of me. because if i hide this, everyone is going to wonder what else i could hide.’
you sit there, allowing Kaeya to rock the two of you back and forth. you continue to cry, eventually petering off.
‘i can assure you that no one will think badly of you because of this. besides, i’m the most suspicious individual in the Knights, and yet no one bats an eye at me.’
‘then why were you ordered to follow me around, if not to figure out my secrets?’
‘Jean can be a bit overprotective, as can i. you weren’t looking very good. your skin was usually clammy, lips chapped and mind far too gone.’
‘i haven’t been sleeping well.’
‘i understand that, i really do. but you shouldn’t harm yourself.’ you nod a little, looking down. ‘do you want to know a secret?’ you look at him, and nod. ‘i was raised just as my brother was, despite appearing as a girl and not being my father’s birth child. only Jean and Diluc truly know, given that they’re who i grew up with.’
‘you….?’ you look up at him. he smiles, and nods a little.
‘how could i hate you when we’re the same?’ he hugs you tighter. ‘we were so worried about you.’ you nod, wrapping your arms around his chest as you can. ‘all we wanted was to make sure you were alright. and we were right to worry, were we not?’
you nod a little, and press the side of your face into his chest. you made everyone worry. everyone was preoccupied with you, instead of their own work. because you don’t know how to take care of yourself.
‘i’m sorry.’ you sob out. you truly are. you’re sorry for the pain you caused, for the worry. you’re sorry for the way you reacted to this whole thing. you’re sorry for not asking for help.
‘i think you need to get some rest, hm?’ you nod a little, allowing Kaeya to help you lay back down.
‘please don’t leave.’ you sob.
‘i wasn’t planning on it. get some more rest, then we’re going to figure out what to do about those bruises and how we’re going to explain this to Jean.’
‘Jean has to know?’ Kaeya can hear the pain in your voice. he knows the fear you’re facing. he understands how difficult it was for even him to learn about what was truly going on with you.
‘well, maybe she doesn’t have to know everything, but she at least needs to be aware that i’m going to be helping you figure out what to do to make your life easier.’ you nod.
‘you won’t tell anyone else, right?’ you’re on the edge of tears again before he calms you down.
‘never.’ you nod, grabbing tightly onto him. ‘i promise.’
—-
when you wake up, it’s difficult to move at all. Kaeya ends up calling Jean to your home, explaining everything for you. to a degree at least.
you’re sure Jean knows, at least in part. but Kaeya isn’t the one who tells her, and that’s what’s important.
—-
Kaeya helps you get your strength back. he enlists the help of Rosaria to get healing supplies without the two of you needing to go to the Cathedral.
you thank her time and time again, but she doesn’t ask for anything in return.
Maria and Anthony come over at one point, tears in their eyes. they sob when they see you in bed, apologizing for the fact that they caused this. you have to explain to them multiple times that they didn’t do anything.
through it all, Kaeya is by your side.
it’s much easier with him than it ever was without. the world and who you are is a little easier to bear, now that you’re not alone.