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some days it feels like the world is out to get you.
gnashing teeth and grabbing paws, ready to sink into you and drag you down into the pits of hell.
you just want to go back to bed, and you know that you need to take the time to do so. but, it’s so hard, when it feels like everything needs you.
The Brothers rarely are able to handle their own emotions, overrun by their sin and near oblivious to the way it affects others at times. you, as a human, are better able to balance all of the sins of The Brothers. you’ve been doing it your entire life.
unfortunately, sometimes the sins come out rough and jagged.
Lucifer is sometimes startled by the way that you snap at him when he asks what’s wrong, too overcome by the fact that you have to act perfect to really think about the words leaving your mouth. Satan sometimes see the anger brewing underneath your eyes and deep in your skull, screaming to get out. Levi understands your envy, but doesn’t seem to fully grasp what it is that you’re envious of.
you overcompensate when you can, trying to seem like the perfect human who doesn’t feel those Avatars inside of you at all. Gluttony is one you can usually get away with, and Sloth is as well.
Greed is something you do in your own time.
collecting pictures of the way you should look, how you would look if you were born into a different body. mind achingly upsetting, but almost wish-fulfilling in a way.
even if you were born in that body, you’re not sure you would be happy. but it’s nice to think about.
The Brothers know to some extent. you don’t go by feminine pronouns. that’s it.
they don’t know the way that sometimes days are fine, and other days you would rather rip hair out than have to be seen by anyone because your hips are too full, and your body is too curvy.
today is one of the days where you don’t want to get out of bed. you’d rather wallow in your self-pity than ever come into contact with another human being.
unfortunately, today isn’t a day you can do that.
you and The Brothers have been invited to Diavolo’s palace, along with the other exchange students. he doesn’t require you to dress nice, which is a blessing and a curse. you end up putting on jeans and a nice shirt, praying it’s alright.
on your way out, you grab a jacket for good measure.
it’s going to be ok.
—-
it doesn’t feel ok though.
some part of you desires to be just ‘one of the guys.’ everyone else here is a boy, so it makes sense that you should be one too, right?
but it doesn’t feel like that. even that doesn’t feel right most of the time.
sometimes, it feels like you’re put up on a pedestal. one that distinguishes you from the rest, so everything is different between the others and you. it doesn’t help that you’re Lilith’s descendant. a sister to all of them, so you feel the need to step into that role in some sense.
it doesn’t feel good.
you don’t mind helping them. you don’t mind letting them treat you like a part of the family.
there’s just so much to live up to and you don’t think you can do any of it.
you’re sitting next to Mammon, and you quickly tap his leg. you look at him with pleading eyes, begging him to give you an excuse to leave, just for a bit. you need him to cover for you.
he nods, and you get up. you smile as best you can as you leave, trying not to have a complete meltdown. you make sure to take your D.D.D. with you, knowing Mammon will have a fit if he finds out you left it.
you carefully make your way to the bathroom, shutting yourself inside of it and locking the door.
it’s just so much. there’s too much going on, you’re struggling to breathe, you shouldn’t have worn your binder. hell, you shouldn’t have come. you knew they were going to do this. it’s better when it’s not all of them, because they can’t all look at you like you’re some reincarnated being.
they see you for who they really are when they’re alone. or even in smaller groups. but, when it’s all of them, all you can feel that they can see is Lilith. most of them knew her.
sure, you can hear her sometimes. but you’re not her.
you’re not.
you grind your teeth to prevent yourself from crying out in anger. you want to throw things, hit them, scream.
much to your surprise, there’s an intruder. you lift up your face to wipe your eyes, and there’s something there.
Little D No. 4 is there, blinking his eyes slightly. you sniff, and stare back at him. you’re shaking, and you can practically see him taking in all parts of you.
he still hasn’t said anything.
he looks to the door behind you, and then back at you. carefully, you sit on your knees and open the door just enough to let him out. you smile at him, watching as he moves away from you. he turns around for just a moment to look at you, then continues walking.
you relock the door, wondering how he even got in there.
it’s a few more minutes before there’s another knock at the door.
you look at your D.D.D. to see a message from Mammon asking if you’re ok. it’s from ten minutes ago. he must have found out where you were.
you stand up and look into the mirror, trying to see if your appearance is even the slightest bit salvageable. you unlock the door, and tap twice for them to come in.
you’re about to start asking Mammon if you look ok, but when you turn around, it’s not him.
your breath catches in your throat to see Barbatos, Little D No. 4 right behind him. Little D No. 4 almost looks embarrassed before scurrying away.
‘i apologize for the intrusion.’ he says, walking in a little further, and shutting the door. ‘i understand if you don’t want me here, but i want to give you privacy nonetheless. Little D No. 4 was very worried about you. they told me they sensed a lot of Wrath coming from this room, and found you.’
Barbatos doesn’t look at you like the others do. honestly, neither does Diavolo. Diavolo seems to notice, and care, but he doesn’t comment on it. you’re still just his exchange student.
and to Barbatos, you’re just a human. maybe a friend, given how much time you’ve spent with Diavolo and him.
you move over to him with tears running down your face. you silently gaze up at him, trying to glean any discomfort.
eventually, he gets tired of you trying to pick him apart, and he opens his arms. you stare at him before biting your lip and pushing into his chest.
he hushes you as softly as he can, hoping that no one else can hear you.
‘i’m not her.’ you can barely get the words out, clutching tightly at his uniform. ‘i’m not.’ you fight the urge to bang on his chest, repeating your words.
‘i know you’re not.’ he says, rocking you back and forth slightly. he feels the way everything bubbles up within you, the way it gnaws and tears. you shake your head.
‘you and Diavolo are the only ones who seem to think that.’ you sob again, pulling him as close to you as you possibly can. ‘i’m not Lilith.’ you sob.
‘i assure you, none of us see you as her.’
‘some of them do. Solomon and i are the only two human exchange students, and even then i’m supposed to be like someone i’m not. i’m not trying to make it seem like i’m overly important, but it feels like everyone sees me as more than just the second human exchange student.’ you cry, finally able to get all of this off your chest.
‘is that what you think?’ you nod, resisting the urge to wipe your face on him.
you pull away, and he seems confused.
‘i’m sure the others are looking for you. i don’t want to take up your time.’
‘if anything, everyone is looking for you. they think you’ve disappeared.’ you look up at him quizzically. ‘Mammon said you went to the bathroom, and you’ve been in here a hell of a lot longer than you think. plus, it would be distasteful of me to leave you alone at such a time, yes?’
‘you have your job.’ you say pathetically.
‘there’s nothing that Lord Diavolo needs right now other than everyone here. for now, he doesn’t need me to remind him of his work, because there isn’t any to remind him of.’
‘i don’t want to confront the others.’
‘you might have to. it’s not healthy to keep these feelings inside of you.’
‘but then all of the sudden, i’m the person who took away Lilith twice.’
‘but you’re not Lilith. you said that yourself, did you not?’ you look up at him and nod. ‘then you’re not doing anything of the sort. you’re just stating your boundaries.’
when he says it like that, it makes a lot more sense. but it’s still scary.
‘what if they hate me?’ you ask, the thought alone almost able to send you into hysterics.
‘they won’t. i promise. all of us love you so much. no one will be upset if you tell them you don’t like to be put on that pedestal, or compared to a girl.’ your breath catches in your throat, and you look up on him. ‘sorry, did i say too much?’
you shake your head.
‘i’m sorry for not being upfront about it. i’m sure it would have made you reconsider bringing me here.’
‘we don’t care about stuff like that. what’s important is who you are, not what you are. and, mark my words, everyone here will respect that, or they’ll have another thing coming to them.’
you nod, still wanting nothing more than physical affection.
‘will you be there for me? if it all goes wrong?’
‘it won’t, but of course i’ll be there. i’ll help walk you through it if you want.’
you nod, and step out into the world, hoping and praying for acceptance.