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Regulus had accepted that he fancied James a long time ago. It was hard - coming to terms with the fact that the person he liked wasn’t a girl like he’d been repeatedly told was supposed to be the case.
So it got even harder when Regulus realized that there was a slight chance he didn’t like James how he was supposed to either.
He did like James. He was sure of that. James made his heart flutter in his chest and if James smiled at him that was the highlight of Regulus’ day. He liked James the way old people always talked about love, he liked James the way love was written in tales and stories for children.
But, he found out, there was more to fancying someone than just that.
Regulus had never really thought about sex. He didn’t really care for it. He knew about it and that was honestly all he needed. And back when he realized he liked James, he didn’t really stop to wonder about it because he was thirteen. It didn’t matter.
But now he was fifteen and he was faced with the terrifying reality that it was beginning to matter. His friends were starting to talk and Regulus couldn’t, no matter how hard he tried, relate any of the things he felt towards James to what they were saying about the people they dated. Regulus had never thought about James naked. He’d never thought about James like that . Never.
And that left him nothing but confused. So he had to consult someone. Subtly.
“How did you know you were gay?” he asked, plopping down on a seat next to his brother in the school library.
Sirius snapped his head up. “Huh?”
“How did you know you were gay?”
Sirius stared at him for a second before a sly smile pulled on his lips and he leaned closer to Regulus. “Aw, is my little brother having a sexuality crisis?”
Regulus grimaced, shoving Sirius away. “Piss off. And no. I’m just curious.”
If there was one thing Regulus knew about lying it was that the key to doing it well was confidence.
“Alright,” Sirius said, putting his arms up in an act of surrender. “But it’s simple really. I realized I liked Moony.”
Merlin, Regulus should’ve had known that his sappy brother wouldn’t be of any help.
“Right, but how did that mean you couldn’t like a girl in the future?” Regulus asked.
“Oh, you know, I just knew I didn’t like them like that,” Sirius said casually.
No, Regulus didn’t know .
“Like what ?” he asked, feeling his patience running short.
Sirius leaned in again, narrowing his eyes. “Did mum and dad not tell you about the birds and the bees?”
Regulus groaned loudly, starting up from the chair.
“You’re useless,” he called, marching out of the library.
He made his way down to the Slytherin Common Room. His eyes immediately caught sight of Barty Crouch resting on the couch with a book open in his lap. Regulus sank onto the seat right next to him, releasing a sigh.
Barty glanced at him. “What’s up?”
“My brother,” Regulus mumbled. “Unhelpful.”
Barty frowned and closed his book. “ ‘Unhelpful’ ? Out of all the issues you could have with your brother, that's it?”
Regulus shrugged. “I have a problem that I thought he’d help with. But he didn’t.”
“What’s the problem?” Barty asked. “Maybe I can help?”
“No, it’s—” Regulus sighed again, his eyes avoiding Barty’s. “It’s not that simple.”
“Alright,” Barty said briefly and went back to his book.
Regulus stayed silent for a moment, bouncing his leg up and down.
“Hey, Barty?” he spoke up suddenly.
Barty turned his head to him again. “Yes?”
“How do you know when you fancy someone?”
“You wanted your brother’s help with that ?”
“No—” Regulus shook his head hastily. “No, I just— I wanna know.”
“Alright…” Barty said slowly and clicked his tongue. “Well, I suppose you care about that person. They make you happy. And you want them to be happy.”
“But…” Regulus swallowed and shut his eyes in embarrassment. “What about… in, like, a physical sense?”
“Er…” Barty stammered. Regulus kept his eyes closed, his cheeks growing hotter and hotter. “Well, I, er— I suppose you want to—”
Regulus groaned loudly and opened his eyes. Barty was looking at him, seeming tense.
“What if…” Regulus started shyly. “What if you’ve never thought about it?”
Barty shrugged. “Well— Do you feel the other stuff? The caring and being happy?”
Regulus nodded.
“Then maybe it doesn’t matter,” Barty said. “I mean… it’s only one thing, right?”
Regulus sighed. “I guess.”
They sat in silence for a while, Regulus feeling incredibly embarrassed.
“I think,” Barty started suddenly and Regulus snapped his head to him, “that maybe you should talk to that person. You know?”
Regulus swallowed. “Right…”
He didn’t want to talk to James. Confessing his feelings for him would be embarrassing enough, the fact that he would have to add how complicated those feelings were would make that conversation practically unbearable.
But as it turned out, he didn’t have much of a choice in the end.
“What aren’t you telling me?”
Regulus startled and snapped his head up from his textbook. James was towering over him, his Invisibility Cloak hanging from his shoulders.
Regulus was on the top of the Astronomy Tower. The sun had gone down a long time ago, but he liked to go there to study even if he could barely see anything.
“Wha— What?” Regulus stammered.
He’d known that the best option when he was so hopelessly into someone was to avoid that person and hope the crush would go away. But Regulus couldn’t do that, obviously. He’d taken every chance he got to get closer to James, and one thing led to another and they’d ended up being pretty close friends.
“You’re not telling me something,” James said, taking off the Cloak and plopping down on the wooden floor next to Regulus. He knocked their sides against each other. “What’s up?”
Regulus let out a nervous chuckle. “What do you mean? I’m not hiding anything.”
James raised his eyebrows. “Right. Then why is Sirius saying that he had a particularly weird conversation with you two days ago?”
Regulus froze for a second. Then, he threw his head back in exasperation. “Damn it, Si.”
“What’s wrong?” James asked and it was so soft that Regulus felt his heart crumble.
He looked down at the textbook open in his lap. “It’s nothing… I just—” He swallowed. “I think I might fancy someone, that’s all.”
“Who?”
The response was so quick and almost harsh that Regulus snapped his head up in surprise.
“Er…” he stammered, scanning James’ face. The dark purplish light reflecting from the sky shone on his golden-brown skin making it shimmer but his expression seemed tense. He was looking straight at Regulus, waiting. “It’s uh…” Regulus tried again. He’d promised himself he wouldn’t tell him. But he was there and it was all so confusing and he just wanted to get it over with— “You,” he blurted finally. “It’s you.”
James blinked and Regulus felt his cheeks turn pink. He lowered his head, looking back at the textbook.
“You don’t have to say anything,” he said, fiddling with the corner of one of the pages.
“No, I—” James choked out. “I—”
“Please, don’t,” Regulus said, still not looking up. His chest felt unbelievably heavy, his heart hammering. “It’s… It’s more complicated than you think.”
A beat.
“What do you mean?” James asked.
“I—” Regulus struggled and pressed his lips tightly together. “I don’t— I don’t think I fancy you sexually.”
James didn’t say anything. The only sounds were their breaths and the gentle whooshing of the wind.
“I mean,” Regulus continued, “I do think you’re handsome. And— And I suppose I find you attractive, like, sometimes you’re more attractive and sometimes less or whatever, but…” He closed his eyes, letting out a soft grunt. Then, he opened them again. “I… It doesn’t play that much of a role. It’s not why I fell for you. I— I’ve never really cared about it that much.”
He looked up. James was staring at him, his face slightly confused but mostly soft and fond. Regulus felt himself melt.
“And I…” he went on, “I don’t think I want to have sex. I mean, I could, but I don’t feel the need for it. But I— I would still like to do the other things. Like… kiss or cuddle or hold hands. I, er…” He groaned and dropped his head into his hands. “I’m sorry, I’m so sorry, you don’t even like me back and I’m telling you how broken I am.”
“Reg,” James said, placing his hand on Regulus’.
“Don’t,” Regulus whispered. “I don’t want your pity.”
“You’re not broken,” James continued.
Regulus lifted his head in surprise. James wasn’t letting go of his hand.
“What?” Regulus choked out.
“I mean, is it uncommon? Sure. But that doesn’t mean it’s a defect.”
Regulus shook his head. “Still—”
“And I do like you back.”
Regulus froze.
James took his other hand in his as well. “I like you quite a lot, Reggie.”
“E—Even though, I—” Regulus struggled.
James nodded. “I don’t care. We can do just as much as you want. I would never try to pressure you into doing something you’re not comfortable with.”
“But—” Regulus stammered. He couldn't believe it. “But that must be at least a little disappointing, I mean—”
James shook his head. “I like you , Reggie. Not the fact that I could sleep with you.”
Regulus’ heart was still pounding. This felt like a dream.
“So… now we could be, like…”
“Boyfriends?” James finished for him, a grin appearing on his face. “I’m counting on it.”
Regulus smiled, his entire body releasing a breath of relief.