Work Text:
STEP ZERO
Faint static noise coming from the television could be heard inside their shared room, and it stirs Sunghoon awake. Checking the time on his phone shows him that it's two in the morning. Who the hell forgot to turn off the television? He begrudgingly throws his blanket aside and drags himself out of his bed to head towards their small living room.
What he didn't expect to see was Sunoo sitting on the couch while holding his knees closer to his chest, face hidden. Sunghoon thought the younger guy accidentally fell asleep and just forgot to turn off the television. As he carefully approached Sunoo, he could hear the suppressed cries coming from him, to his surprise.
Upon closer look, Sunghoon notices Sunoo's trembling shoulders and sobs that go unheard of due to the static noise. It renders him speechless because he's half-awake and doesn't know what to do without scaring his roommate.
Slowly and discreetly, he sits beside Sunoo with a respectable distance between them. The younger guy must have been aware of the sudden dip of the couch beside him because he freezes momentarily and holds his breath.
"Sunoo." Sunghoon softly calls out his name. "It's just me."
Heaving a loud sigh of relief, Sunoo swallows the lump in his throat before lifting his head up and throwing a glance in Sunghoon's direction. "Sorry, hyung."
"What are you apologizing for, Sunoo?"
"For waking you up."
Sunghoon smiles at him, small yet warm. "You don't have to apologize for that, Sunoo. I'm mostly worried about you because you're clearly not okay."
"I'm okay, hyung." Sunoo said, and it sounded like he was trying to convince himself rather than Sunghoon.
Sunghoon scoots closer. "Then why are you crying?"
Sunoo looks away and purses his lips.
"You don't have to answer that if it makes you uncomfortable," Sunghoon added when he was met with silence.
Sunoo hesitates. He wants to say something, anything, that would somehow ease the heaviness he's carrying, but all he could muster up is flimsy, "I don't really know, hyung."
It's not a lie, yet it's not a complete answer too. Sunoo is aware of the apprehensive look on Sunghoon's face, but the latter is also aware that there's a limit to how much Sunoo is willing to share. No matter how close they seem to be, Sunghoon knows when not to push Sunoo's boundaries.
So he just lets the tears in Sunoo's eyes fall unbidden, his hands itching to touch the younger's face to wipe them away.
"Hyung," The younger guy croaks out.
Attentive as ever, Sunghoon looks at him in worry. "Yes?"
"If it's not too much to ask…." Sunoo trails off, the question on the tip of his tongue, but he finds it hard to say them out loud. Sunghoon patiently waits for him, though, and it sends a wave of relief in Sunoo's mind. "Can you hold me?"
Sunghoon couldn't help the surprise that flooded through him upon hearing Sunoo's request. He would never be opposed to whatever the younger guy would ask. He'd say yes in an instant when it comes to him, but he never saw this one coming. Sunoo has never been one to be reluctant with affection, so for him to ask Sunghoon means something was wrong.
"Of course," Sunghoon answered after a few moments of silence.
The older guy reaches out first, hands enveloping Sunoo's frame with such a fragile hold so as to not frighten the younger off. He places his chin on top of Sunoo's head as the younger buries his face into Sunghoon's neck. Sunghood holds him tightly, scared that if he would loosen his hold on him, Sunoo would somehow slip away from his grasp.
"Everything is going to be okay," Sunghoon assures him that it isn't just a shallow admission to make the boy in his arms feel better.
"How do you know?"
"Because from now on, it's going to be you and I," Sunghoon murmurs, and Sunoo hums in response.
He closes his eyes as he lets Sunoo's warmth and the breath that tickles his neck occasionally succumb him into a deep slumber.
Sunghoon belatedly realizes that he forgot to turn off the television.
🌤
"Why were you sleeping on the couch with Sunoo last night?" Jake asks him when they're alone at the kitchen table in the morning.
Sunghoon shoves a spoonful of cereal inside his mouth, so he doesn't have to look Jake in the eyes when he lies. "We were watching a movie then fell asleep."
It's not a daily occurrence that you'd witness your members cuddling on the couch, but Jake somehow believes his alibi. Sunghoon just hopes that Jake wouldn't probe any further so he wouldn't have to lie.
"Speaking of Sunoo, is he okay? He hasn't come out of the room since Jungwon woke you two up." Technically, Sunoo's not okay, but it's not his story to tell.
Sunghoon nods, acting unbothered. "I'll just check up on him later."
Later comes in the form of sneaking inside their shared room while the rest of the members are out. Lunchtime is almost over, and Sunghoon hasn't seen nor heard anything from Sunoo. Jungwon and Niki said the guy is sleeping, but Sunghoon's gut feeling tells him otherwise. So when the two youngest went out of the room to let Sunoo sleep in peace, Sunghoon quickly entered. Quietly, he walks towards Sunoo's and Jungwon's bunk bed, peeking at the top bunk and seeing that Sunoo has cocooned himself with his blanket.
"Sunoo, it's Sunghoon." He softly says, poking what he thinks is Sunoo's arm. "Wake up."
Sunoo's figure stirs, and he slowly peels the blanket off his face. He turns to his right and sees Sunghoon standing near his bed. "I wasn't asleep, hyung."
Sunghoon nods. "I know."
"Oh." Sunoo sits up as he ignores Sunghoon's eyes staring at the side of his face. Memories from last night come crashing down all at once, and Sunoo feels embarrassed because he didn't mean to be openly vulnerable to Sunghoon. Or to anyone in the first place. It just so happens that Sunghoon noticed him. It's always Sunghoon who notices things about Sunoo. "Um, is there anything you need, hyung?"
"Actually, about last night, I don't know if you heard me, but I meant what I said." Sunghoon reminds him, and Sunoo tilts his head in confusion, mind a blank slate because he doesn't understand what Sunghoon is talking about.
The older guy must have sensed his puzzlement because he reaches out to ruffle Sunoo's hair and says with finality. "Come on, you still need to eat."
Sunoo could only blink in utter perplexity. He forcingly pushes the brewing questions in the corner of his mind as he follows Sunghoon out of the room.
He isn't even sure if he wants to know what Sunghoon said last night.
🌤
It was bordering midnight when Sunghoon grabbed his phone underneath his pillow. He clicks on the notes application and lets the harsh light illuminate his face. Frankly speaking, Sunghood couldn't forget the words he uttered to Sunoo last night. It's going to be you and I. How could his foggy brain come up with such a strange and bold statement?
However, mortification aside, Sunghoon is a man of his words. He may have felt a little idiotic because of his lack of sleep, but not idiotic enough to take it back.
This is why he immediately types the first thing that comes up in his head, thumbs moving across the keyboard in a haste manner.
Making Kim Sunoo Smile
A list by Sunghoon
Step 1: Feed him with his favorite food.
Step 2: Hug him. He likes being hugged.
Step 3: Compliment him.
Step 4: Listen to whatever he has to say.
Step 5: Be proud of him.
The title seems unoriginal and cheesy, but his sleep-induced brain cannot come up with anything at the moment, so he settles for that. These steps are pretty easy to list down because he's known Sunoo for years now, remembers every tiny detail about him, and reads his face like an open book. Although, putting those into action may not be as easy as Sunghoon would like them to be.
But for Sunoo, he'd do his best in a heartbeat.
After deeming the list plausible, he locks his phone off and hides it beneath his pillow. Before he closes his eyes, he looks over to where Sunoo is sleeping peacefully. And Sunghoon wishes that through his list, he could also bring peace to Sunoo even when he's awake.
STEP ONE: FEED HIM WITH HIS FAVORITE FOOD.
The first step happened days later when they were shooting for their dance practice.
Everyone was on the floor panting and catching their breaths until Jay challenged the members to play rock, paper, scissors, and the loser got to buy snacks from the nearby convenience store.
"Make it two losers," Heeseung suggests when everybody groaned and kept lying on the floor, unmoving.
"Rock, paper, scissors!" Jay blurts out suddenly and despite how exhausted they currently are, all of them raise their hand to participate in the game.
Joyous screams erupt from the boys once they realize they've won, yet Sunghoon only shouted in despair when he saw his clenched fist while the rest of them threw out an open palm.
"Am I the only one who lost?" Sunghoon whines. Jay, Jake and Heeseung snicker at him while Niki and Jungwon lie down on the floor again while cackling at Sunghoon's misery. Sunghoon looks for Sunoo, who is uncharacteristically quiet. "Hey, Kim Sunoo!"
All eyes are on Sunoo when Sunghoon calls him out of the blue. Sunoo plays dumb and innocently smiles at him, "Yes, hyung?"
"I saw you throwing out a paper earlier." Sunghoon accuses him and the younger guy rolls his eyes and puffs his cheeks.
"I did not!" Sunoo scoffs.
"Wait!" Niki exclaims. "I saw Sunoo hyung lose, but he just kept quiet about it!"
"Ha!" Sunghoon yells triumphantly while Sunoo grumbles at Niki for throwing him under the bus.
"Go buy us something to eat and drink!" Jungwon shoos them off. Sunghoon leads the way as Sunoo trails behind him. "Don't take too long!" Their leader adds before Sunoo closes the door.
The walk to the convenience store is short and once they arrive, the staff who is accompanying them waits by the entrance while Sunghoon opens the door and motions Sunoo to enter first.
"Pick the snacks and I'll pick the drinks, okay?" Sunghoon instructs him and Sunoo just nods before carrying a small basket.
They split up and honestly, choosing snacks for the group isn't that hard because they've been eating the same snacks since they were still trainees and that hasn't changed. Not even one bit. So Sunoo quickly finishes his task in under a minute, and then he proceeds towards the back of the store where the fridges are located.
"You done, hyung?" Sunoo asks, peering over Sunghoon's shoulder.
"Not yet." Sunghoon answers, yet when the younger guy observes the latter's basket, it's already filled with drinks that are enough for them all.
"But—" Sunoo's protest gets cut off when Sunghoon tells him to pay for the snacks and the drinks that are currently on his basket first and that he'll catch up with him later.
Baffled, Sunoo takes all the drinks inside Sunghoon's basket and places them in his. Then he makes his way to the cashier with his brows knit together.
Once Sunoo is done paying, he grabs the plastic bag off the counter and goes out of the store without saying anything. The staff asks about Sunghoon's whereabouts, and Sunoo just points nonchalantly behind him. When Sunghoon came out from the store, he was holding a plastic bag too, a bit smaller compared to the one Sunoo's holding.
"Let's go." The staff says, walking ahead of them. Sunoo follows suit, ignoring the stolen glances Sunghoon throws at him through his peripheral vision.
A few moments pass, just a few steps away from their building. Sunghoon grabs his wrist, making him stop in his tracks.
"Give me that," Sunghoon mumbles, taking the plastic bag from Sunoo's grip. And then he replaces it with a small plastic bag. "Here."
Sunoo is entirely stunned by the sudden gesture, mainly because they weren't talking the entire time they walked back to the company building. He gapes at the plastic bag then back at Sunghoon, whose ears slowly turn rosy pink. "What's this?"
"It's for you," Sunghoon tells him shyly, running a hand over the back of his neck.
"For—huh?" Sunoo stutters, clearly taken aback. "Hyung, why?"
"Do I need to have a reason?" The question sounded like a mixture of confusion, embarrassment, and realization when Sunghoon finally understood that he should have planned this through. He sure threw Sunoo off-guard when he gave him a bag filled with his favorite snacks and drinks.
Curiosity is eating him alive and Sunoo knows he shouldn't make this a big deal because it's really not. There's nothing wrong with what Sunghoon did, but Sunoo couldn't understand why the older guy would take the effort of buying a separate bag of food only for him.
"Uh, I guess so?" Sunoo's voice comes out quiet and uncertain.
Sunghoon is silent for a few moments before he sighs and stares at Sunoo's hazel eyes. "I wanted to make you smile, that's all."
There's no point in lying because if he gives him a lame excuse, then his gesture would seem insincere. And he doesn't want Sunoo to think that way.
Their conversation gets interrupted when the staff yells their name to catch their attention. Sunghoon mumbles a let's go before speed walking away from Sunoo. The younger guy lets out a grunt, unsure of what is going on inside Sunghoon's head. When he returns to the practice room, he dashes straight to his backpack and hides the plastic bag away from prying eyes.
Later that night, in the privacy of his own bed, he drops the contents of the plastic bag on his blanket, and he sees a variety of mint chocolate-flavored biscuits, a cup of tteokbokki, and an energy drink.
Sunghoon was right.
It did make him smile.
STEP TWO: HUG HIM. HE LIKES BEING HUGGED. & STEP FOUR: LISTEN TO WHATEVER HE HAS TO SAY.
Sunday arrives in a blink of an eye and there are no filming schedules planned for them today. Hence, everyone is doing their own thing with grogginess still lingering in their systems while the clock shows almost noon.
Niki and Heeseung are playing video games on their phones, Jay and Jake are in the kitchen cooking for their late lunch. At the same time, Jungwon just tags along because he doesn't have anything else to do, and Sunoo is in the living room, rewatching Weightlifting Fairy Kim Bokjoo. Sunghoon sits beside the younger guy as he mindlessly watches videos on his phone.
It was relatively quiet except for the occasional shouts and grunts from Niki and Heeseung, and the dialogues between the characters on the television. Still, it was a nice afternoon that could be spent lazing around their dorms without care.
After a few moments, Sunghoon grew tired from watching videos, so he decided to watch the drama on the screen, which has made Sunoo preoccupied for a while now. Every one of them is so immersed in their own activities that they fail to notice the tears clinging to Sunoo's eyelashes, lips shut tight to prevent any whimper from spilling out.
A warm hand touches the younger's back and he flinches at the sudden contact, but instead of Sunghoon retracting his hand, he starts to give him comforting pats.
When Sunoo spares a glance to his side, he's met with Sunghoon's inquisitive and worried gaze. Despite the tears pricking at the corners of his eyes, he forces to lift his mouth into a smile before he waves his hand in dismissal. Yet, Sunghoon tilts his head towards the door, indicating if Sunoo wants to leave. The younger boy quickly looks over to his side and the members haven't noticed anything yet, so Sunoo agrees.
"Sunoo and I are going out for a while." Sunghoon abruptly announces, leaving no room for the members to respond as he ushers Sunoo out of the door first, and then he follows with a quiet shut of the door.
In the kitchen, Jake whispers to no one in particular. "What's up with them?"
"I know, right." Jay chuckles as if he knows something that the others don't.
Jungwon raises his brow. "Is there something going on between them?" Jay shrugs as an answer before stirring the soup in the pot.
"Hey, tell us." Jake insists. Jungwon turns off the stove when Jay doesn't budge, making the older guy glare at the younger.
"Maybe. Who knows." Jay ambiguously replies, and it doesn't ease the curiosity of the two members. He ignores them as he turns the stove back on while swishing the ladle he's holding. "Now, get back to cooking!"
🌤
"Where are we going?" A confused pout adorns Sunoo's lips as he asks the older guy a question.
"Do you wanna go somewhere nice?" Sunghoon's genuine concern lacing in his voice reverberates the empty hallway.
As suspicious as it sounds, Sunoo agrees. He doesn't want the members eavesdropping on their conversation if the two of them would just stay by the door.
Also, because he trusts Sunghoon.
Not that Sunoo would admit it out loud.
🌤
Somewhere nice ended up being the rooftop of their dorm building.
"This isn't somewhere nice." Sunoo deadpans when he leans against the railing, looking at the high-rise buildings and the busy streets of Seoul.
"The weather's nice!" Sunghoon argues, holding on to the railings with both hands as he watches a small portion of the city below them.
It actually isn't. Not when Sunoo's teeth are chattering, and his body is shivering when a rush of cold air hits him. A shudder goes down his spine as he hastily rubs his palms together, blowing at it to bring some heat to his excruciatingly stiff fingers.
"It's cold!" He complains while sniffling, and no matter how hard he makes himself warm, it's just a futile attempt when the breeze gets colder and colder as time passes by.
"Oh, right, my bad." Sunghoon takes pity on the younger boy. Suddenly, he faces Sunoo and opens his arms wide. "Come here."
"Why?"
Sunghoon blankly stares at Sunoo. "Get close so I can hug you!"
Taken aback, Sunoo incredulously asks him. "Why would you hug me?!"
"Because you're cold!" He answers as if it's the most obvious thing in the world. "Why do you always have to question me?"
There is an edge to his voice, but he didn't mean to sound exasperated. He didn't even mean to say that out loud. But it's there – hanging between them suffocatingly. Sunoo blinks, stunned and shaky, the question stabbing him in the chest like a knife. Sunghoon wants to take it back, apologize, and pretend the past few minutes didn't happen.
"I'm sorry, hyung." Sunoo gives him a small smile, but all it does is make him more painful to look at when his smile doesn't even reach his eyes. "I didn't mean to do that. It's just…."
He pauses for a moment to gather his jumbled thoughts. And Sunghoon just stands there, waiting for Sunoo to continue while his stomach is twisting uncomfortably like he's going to be sick.
"I'm curious. Was it because you saw me crying that night? That's why you're doing all of this?" Sunoo studies him for a bit before shifting his eyes anywhere else but Sunghoon.
"Why…" Sunghoon stammers. "Why would you even think that, Sunoo?"
Sunoo hesitates for a bit before he answers truthfully. "I didn't want you or anyone else to see me breaking down that night. Actually, it wasn't my intention to cry, I was just growing tired of everything, and I couldn't find myself doing what I love to do. It didn't make sense, hyung. I couldn't understand why I felt that way, feeling as if I didn't know who I was. Like I'm lost and there's no way out. I got scared. And you witnessed that." His breath is stuck in his throat, his mouth getting cold and dry, yet he continues. "I'm honestly relieved it was you who found me that night because you always know what to do and what to say. But hyung, I don't want you to keep doing all this stuff just because you feel sorry, or you feel bad for me. I'll be okay sooner or later. I'm strong, remember?"
When Sunoo was done explaining himself, Sunghoon was rendered speechless. He stands still, gaping at the younger guy because if he didn't expect to see Sunoo cry again, he obviously didn't expect this to happen.
"Did I talk too much, hyung? I'm so–" His apology gets cut off when Sunghoon steps closer, wrapping his arms around Sunoo's lithe waist. The younger boy didn't see that one coming, so they almost lost their balance and fell backward, but they didn't when Sunoo's arms wind themselves around Sunghoon's body.
"I'm not doing this because I feel sorry, or I feel bad for you," Sunghoon whispers, running his fingers through Sunoo's hair. "I'm doing this because I want to be there for you. You're not alone, Sunoo. You have me. You'll always have me."
At that, a sob rips out of Sunoo's throat and Sunghoon just tightens his hold around the younger guy. Sunoo hides his face by burying it against Sunghoon's shoulder and the older guy couldn't care less when his sweater gets soaked due to Sunoo's tears. Right now, Sunoo needs someone to hold him together so he doesn't break into pieces. And Sunghoon's willing to do that.
The younger guy is the first to pull away, fingers delicately wiping away the tears on his face. He clears his throat before he looks up at Sunghoon; his usual glinting eyes are now filled with tears that are still threatening to spill. But despite that, Sunoo offers him a soft and genuine smile. "Thank you, hyung."
Sunghoon flashes him a reassuring smile, ruffling Sunoo's hair. "No problem, Sunoo."
🌤
"Just barge in and tell them it's time to eat!" Jay whisper-yells, nudging Jake to fully open the door. They're currently hiding behind the ajar door that leads to the rooftop, peeking through the small gap.
"But they're still hugging! I don't want to disturb them and it looks like their conversation is serious!" Jake counters, struggling to keep himself balanced on the stairs with Jay beside him.
Jay sighs, defeated. "Fine, but they better not complain when there's no food left for them."
"What are you two doing?" The sudden voice earns a yelp from the two guys, instantly shutting the door they've both held and facing the oldest with fear in their eyes and sheepish smiles. "I told you to check up on them, not spy."
"We didn't mean to!" Jake defensively says. "We just needed a perfect time to interject. But it looks like they're not going to end their conversation anytime soon."
Heeseung nods in understanding, and then he holds Jay's and Jake's arms, dragging them down to their dorm. "Let's leave them be for now and just trust them. If they're ready to tell us what's going on, then we'll be there to listen."
STEP THREE: COMPLIMENT HIM.
Something shifted between their dynamics and both guys are aware of it, but they didn't act upon it or even acknowledge it. Just pushed this foreign warmth that blossomed back in the crevices of their heart. Sunoo isn't ready to dwell on it, while Sunghoon knows the younger guy still has a lot of things to fix within himself, and he respects him enough to give him all the time and space he needs to heal.
Although, he didn't lie when he promised You'll always have me to Sunoo during that cold afternoon on the rooftop. He still has the list to follow through and intends to keep his promise.
🌤
Five pairs of wobbly legs struggle to enter the ice rink when they can't balance themselves while skating towards the center. However, Sunghoon and Heeseung skate with no difficulty at all, the former being an ice skater since he was young while the latter is just good at everything he does.
"I can't do this," Jay grumbles, finding it hard to skate without falling face-flat on the ice. "Dude, I don't know how to use my legs!"
"It's easy." Sunghoon nonchalantly says.
Jay scoffs, putting all of his weight on his legs. "Easy for you to say, you're an ice skater."
Sunghoon chortles, then he holds both of his wrists to steady him and lead the way. "You need to know where to put your weight. But the basics would be walking in place with your arms wide open."
When Jay tries to do it, Sunghoon releases his grip and watches with keen eyes while his friend moves with reluctant steps. Slowly, Jay gets the hang of it and he moves forward little by little as Sunghoon stays in front of him to catch him in case he slips.
"Okay, I got this." Jay firmly says as he skids away from Sunghoon. Just then, Niki confesses that he doesn't know what to do after falling many times.
"Do you need my help?" Sunghoon asks, readily extending his arms for their youngest to hold on to.
Niki takes them and they start to practice. "Lean forward, Niki, not backward because it's going to make you fall if you keep leaning backward. And when you move forward, you should know how to transfer your weight from one foot to another. Like this." Sunghoon executes the proper way of skating while Niki follows him, albeit clumsily. Once he gets the hang of it, he glides with a giant leap which causes him to lose his balance, but thankfully, Sunghoon catches him just in time.
Just then, Sunoo passes by them, skating briskly, unable to control his speed which causes him to land on his butt, spinning and spinning until he comes to a halt. He makes a weird noise, grabbing Sunghoon's attention.
"Sunoo," he calls the younger guy who's currently sitting on the ice rink. "When you want to stop, don't just stop. You can simply stop pushing by staying still like this."
"Does that make you stop?" Sunoo asks when Sunghoon shows him how to do it.
"Yeah, it does. Your speed gradually slows down when you stay still." Sunghoon tells him, and then Sunoo stands up and practices controlling his speed, remembering what Sunghoon taught him.
Once he knew how to naturally stop after trying it out, he scans the ice rink to search for Sunghoon. Surprisingly, Sunghoon is already looking at him with a huge grin plastered on his mouth. He mouths, You did great! with a thumbs up and Sunoo couldn't help the giggle that left his mouth.
Sunoo blames the cold temperature of the room when he can feel a blush blooming across his cheeks. Yet, he ducks his head down, hoping that none of the members can see his crimson-colored face.
🌤
Later that night, on the way home, when the members are settled on the car, Sunghoon speaks up to praise his members who are half-asleep at this point due to exhaustion.
"You all did well today, guys."
A chorus of thank you and you taught us well resonates inside the moving car. Minutes later, most of the members are dozing off to dreamland except for Sunoo and Sunghoon.
"Hey, Sunoo." Sunghoon taps him gently on his shoulder. The younger guy glances at him with a curious expression on his face. "You were awesome back there."
Sunoo smiles, unable to contain his happiness at being complimented. "Thanks, hyung."
"Next time, if you want to learn more about skating or if you just want to skate, you can tell me, okay? I'll bring you to an ice skating rink." Sunghoon suggests him and Sunoo's eyebrows shoot up, clearly interested in the older boy's offer.
"Just us two?" Sunoo doesn't have any implications when he asks him, just plain curiosity and disbelief.
Sunghoon fondly smiles, ruffling Sunoo's hair. "Yeah, just us two." And maybe, just maybe, his reply may have a connotation that means I wanna spend time with you. However, that's a secret that he'll admit sooner or later. He'll just relish this moment with Sunoo for now.
🌤
"Dude, can I borrow your phone? Mine's charging at my room." Jay asks when Sunghoon and Jake enter the kitchen.
"Who are you talking to?" Jake asks back because both boys aren't aware who Jay was referring to.
"Any of you two. I was supposed to cook a new dish, but I forgot the ingredients and procedures." Jay explains as he takes out a pot and necessary utensils for cooking.
Sunghoon lets his phone be borrowed when Jake realizes he also left his phone on his bed. "Jake's cooking ramyeon for Heeseung hyung and I, so I'll just sit here while I watch you two."
Two boys hum in agreement and Sunghoon sits on the chair adjacent to the cooking area and true to his words, he just observes his two friends getting their hands busy in the kitchen.
After Jay was finished reading the cookbook from Sunghoon's phone, he mistakenly clicked something on the screen and all of Sunghoon's recently opened applications appeared. Jay isn't a nosy person. Hell, he barely cares if it doesn't concern him, but what he saw piqued his interest.
"Holy shit." He gawks, eyes going back and forth from the phone to Sunghoon, who is staring at him questioningly. "I didn't mean to, Sunghoon, I must have clicked something and now I invaded your privacy. I'm really sorry, dude."
"What on earth are you talking about?" Sunghoon stands up, swiftly taking his phone from Jay.
"Huh? What's going on?" Jake inquires when he covers the pot with its lid.
There's a tense silence that falls between the three of them when Sunghoon registers what Jay probably meant. He looks at his phone and sees the Notes application open, and his list for Sunoo flashes on the screen.
"Fuck," he breathes out, clutching on his phone too tight his knuckles are turning white and his fingertips are turning into a darker shade of pink.
"Sorry." Jay apologizes again.
"It's an accident," Sunghoon says, a little stiffly. His shoulders slump, and he doesn't dare to look at any of his friends. He's not quite sure if he can bear to look at them without feeling nervousness clawing its way to his throat.
"Is that why you've been nicer to him?" Jay finally asks, letting the question that's been bothering him for a while now tumble out of his mouth.
"What?" Sunghoon's frown cut deep between his brows. He narrows his eyes at Jay and he answers him, firm and sharp. "No."
Jay senses the strained atmosphere, so he puts his hands up in surrender. "Sorry, it wasn't my intention to offend you. It was just me being genuinely curious."
"Okay, what is going on?" Jake pipes in the conversation and it was a perfect moment to butt in because it somehow simmers down the rage boiling against Sunghoon's chest.
Sighing, Sunghoon puts his defenses down. The three of them are actually best of friends and he knows that they won't judge him no matter what. So he admits everything to them, leaving out Sunoo's side of the story because he doesn't have the right to share it with them without Sunoo's consent.
"You made him a list to make him smile?" Jake repeats as if he's trying to make sense of it all. "Bro."
"What?" Sunghoon asks flatly, unable to understand what made Jake utter an English term with amusement and wonder lacing in his tone.
"Why'd you do that?" The way Jake asks sounds as if there's an answer he's searching for, yet Sunghoon doesn't know what it is.
"Because he's my friend?" Sunghoon supplies, albeit unsure and he doesn't know why his answer sounded like he's starting to get uncertain of how his intention is slowly changing.
"Really?" Jay chuckles, enjoying Sunghoon's obliviousness of his feelings. "If it were Jake or me that you saw crying, would you also create a list to make us happy?"
He falls silent after the question gets thrown at him, and Sunghoon gives himself time to think and how he'd probably just treat Jake and Jay out for shopping or meal, but to list down the things that could make them happy and do it willingly and wholeheartedly—"No offense, but no."
Both of his friends smile as if Sunghoon had just given them the correct answer, but he couldn't fathom what it was.
The two of his friends get back to whatever it was they were doing earlier, leaving Sunghoon to just idly stand at the side, staring at the list as if it's taunting him. As if it's telling him something that he's supposed to know by now.
"Are you almost through with the list?" Jay asks without sparing Sunghoon a glance, already putting the food he cooked on the plate.
Sunghoon reviews the list once again, seeing ticks on almost all steps except for one. "Yeah, just one more and I'm done with it."
"Then what?" Jake asks like he expects a follow-up answer.
"Huh?"
"What are you gonna do after you're through with the list? Are you just gonna go back to normal and pretend that you didn't just shower Sunoo with undivided attention and affection?"
Sunghoon—processing the question and letting it sink deep into him—could not—for the love of God, prepare for the havoc it causes inside his head. He really didn't think this through. He didn't know he'd dutifully go through the list and end up almost finishing them. Now, he's left with this predicament of what he's supposed to do next. Because he can't just pretend these past few weeks didn't happen. He can't just forget that easily. He can't just leave Sunoo alone now that he's grown attached to him and he'd made promises that he swore he'd keep.
And most importantly, he can't just ignore this gnawing feeling in his chest when he thinks of Sunoo.
His train of thought gets cut off when he feels a comforting hand squeezing his shoulder. "It's okay, Sunghoon, you're going to figure it out sooner or later."
Sunghoon hopes he does.
STEP FIVE: BE PROUD OF HIM.
Today is their last day of promotions and suffice to say, all seven of them are worn-out, famished, saddened, and content. All of these mixed emotions, yet when their manager told them dinner was prepared for them at their dorm, everyone's spirits got livened up suddenly.
Upon entering their dorm, Jungwon and Niki rush towards their kitchen to see various foods displayed on the table for them to feast on. Excited and amazed screams burst through the room as the rest of the members enter the kitchen one by one, sitting on their designated chairs.
"Kids, don't forget to wash your hands." Heeseung reminds them and which they complied, for apparent reasons.
Once everyone is comfortably seated on their spot, they immediately dive into the food. As they eat in silence, apart from the occasional slurping noises or small requests, Sunoo can't bring himself to swallow down the food he's eating because he's being overwhelmed with a sense of anxiety.
He bites a small portion of the tteokbokki settled between his chopsticks and it feels as though he's a ticking bomb at this moment with how he's seconds away from exploding all these thoughts, these feelings and emotions he had suppressed for so, so long.
And he's finally letting them go tonight.
Jungwon rubs his knee in a gentle manner and when he looks to his side, the younger guy is smiling warmly at him, eyes sparkling as if saying, It's okay. Everything is going to be fine.
More slurping noises come from Heeseung and Jake, and then a bowl clatters on the table. When Sunoo glances at the two, they are already finished with what seems to be their second round of ramen. Niki, Jay, and Jungwon filled their stomachs with samgyeopsal while Sunghoon, well, he's stopped eating for a while now, only observing Sunoo with a worried expression written on his face.
Jay subtly kicks him on his shin under the table, causing Sunghoon to hiss in pain at the contact, which garners him a questioning look from his members, and Jay could only snicker.
"Sunoo, have you tasted the tteokbokki? They taste wonderful." Sunghoon offers the bowl of tteokbokki to Sunoo, sitting adjacent to him. Five pairs of eyes glance cautiously from Sunghoon to Sunoo.
On the other side of the table, Sunoo remains quiet and incapable of looking at Sunghoon. His heart beats loudly in his ears like it's about to rip apart from his rib cage.
"You don't want it?" Sunghoon asks softly.
With that, Sunoo looks up in shock. "No, it's not that I don't want it. I…" He shuts his mouth tightly, contemplating whether it's okay to say it aloud or if he should just find another perfect time to tell them what's going on.
Then he remembers Sunghoon.
He remembers Jungwon.
He remembers that the six boys beside and in front of him are not just his friends but his family.
So with a deep sigh, he lets the words sitting at the tip of his tongue out. "Actually, I have something to say."
Jay drops his spoon, which creates a clattering noise; Niki stops feeding himself with meat that's halfway near his mouth; Jake and Heeseung almost choke on their water. However, Sunghoon and Jungwon patiently wait for Sunoo to continue speaking.
"I've been feeling unwell these past few weeks. I don't know if you've been aware of how I've constantly been crying or if there's been a sudden shift in my mood lately. I apologize for my actions." Sunoo gives them an apologetic smile before continuing. "I couldn't understand what I was going through. I was always tired, and I no longer enjoyed doing what I love the most. I felt sick to my stomach just having those thoughts because many people would have killed to be on my spot and I'm here being ungrateful. And yet, I couldn't force myself to be okay. I can't force myself to be happy when I'm not."
"Sunoo," Jake solemnly calls his name.
Sunoo bites his bottom lip to prevent himself from letting out a whimper and to keep the tears from forming in his eyes, but with the way his members are looking at him tenderly, the tears come anyway.
"Sunghoon hyung came in and helped me, though. He didn't expect me to be happy all the time, but he made me smile, and I really appreciate that." He smiles at Sunghoon, the fluorescent light beams across Sunoo's eyes, and it makes his eyes glimmer because of the tears that are threatening to spill. Then, he glanced at his side and added, "Jungwon also talked to me during the nights that I couldn't fall asleep. He helped me fight the monsters that are haunting me."
"Sunoo, we didn't know…." Heeseung trails off, wracking his brain to recall the times when Sunoo was not feeling himself, but he could only come empty-handed. "We're sorry."
"No, no, oh god, hyung, no." Sunoo waves his hands frantically to brush off the oldest guy's apology. "It was my intention to keep it from you because I didn't want to bother you—"
"You know you're not a bother, right, Sunoo hyung?" Niki asks, voice small.
"I know." Sunoo nods. "I learned it the hard way, but I know better now."
"Are you okay now? What do you feel?" Jay leans across the table to inspect Sunoo's face, looking for any trace of discomfort or pain.
Sunoo chuckles, eyes turning crescent-shaped. "I'm getting there, hyung. I just wanted to be honest with you because you still deserve to know and because you're my family."
The six of them somehow wailed all together, standing up from their seats to surround Sunoo and give him the tightest and warmest embrace he's ever received.
Sunoo lost himself after that, and his members put his broken self back together like puzzle pieces. It's been so long since he's ever felt this light and free after weeks of feeling strange sadness and weariness residing within the spaces of his chest.
He thinks that with his members around, it's easier to breathe now.
🌤
"Sunoo, let's brush our teeth together," Sunghoon says out of the blue, dragging Sunoo away from the living room, where they have all decided to settle down for the night. Sleepover! as Niki excitedly called it earlier.
"Huh? Oh, okay." Sunoo no longer questions what Sunghoon asks him to do together. He just lets it happen because he secretly likes the attention being showered on him. Not that he'd also admit that to anyone, especially Sunghoon.
Inside the bathroom, it reeks like Jungwon's body wash and it's obvious how the younger guy had used an abundant amount for the bathroom to smell like him.
"Isn't he just like you?" Sunghoon teases, probably smelling Jungwon's scent too.
Sunoo rolls his eyes playfully, a laugh leaves from his mouth. "Are you saying I smell good, hyung?" Sunghoon's body stills and Sunoo's obnoxious laughter echoes inside the bathroom. "I'm just kidding, hyung."
When Sunghoon recovers, he just shakes his head in complete adoration and grabs his and Sunoo's toothbrushes. Sunghoon didn't know what got into him when he asked Sunoo about this, but watching the younger guy through the mirror puffing his cheeks while humming to a song, Sunghoon thought it wasn't such a bad idea after all.
"Why aren't you brushing your teeth?" Sunoo asks, brows furrowing. He's almost done, just a gargle of mouthwash and he's through, yet Sunghoon is still in the midst of putting on toothpaste.
"Hu—ah, got distracted." Sunghoon lamely excuses. Sunoo just shrugs, going back to cleaning his mouth while Sunghoon starts brushing his teeth.
A few moments later, when they're both finished and clean, Sunghoon couldn't really help but blurt out the words that have been wanting to be said ever since dinner time.
"Sunoo." He calls for his attention while staring at him through the mirror. Sunoo does the same, one brow raised in confusion. "I'm proud of you."
Sunoo, in all honesty, gets thrown off by the sudden honesty. His cheeks a flaming red tint as he loses the confidence to hold Sunghoon's intense yet fond gaze. "Wha—hyung, what the hell. Uh, thank you? Why'd you say that out of the blue?"
Sunghoon chuckles, "Oh? Are you getting shy on me now, Sunoo?"
Sunoo just rolls his eyes, sending a death glare to the older guy who is still laughing at his reaction. The blush on his cheeks doesn't fade away instantly, and Sunoo has to fan his face with both of his hands.
"Sincerely though, I'm proud of you not only because you've been strong all this time, but because despite it all, look at how far you've reached, Sunoo. You've come a long way. It's definitely something to be proud of. "
Sunoo whines, bumping Sunghoon with his hips. "Hyung, stop. I'm getting really shy now."
"Okay, okay, I just wanted to tell you that."
"I know. I know you do." Sunoo tells him quietly like he knows what Sunghoon truly meant. "And thank you, hyung. For everything."
🌤
"Hyung, can I borrow your phone? Can't find mine." Sunoo whispers when everyone is snoring from utter exhaustion.
Sunghoon gives his phone without thinking and he lays down on the mattress, pulling the blanket closer to his body. He looks up at Sunoo, who is sitting beside him, the light from Sunghoon's phone illuminating the porcelain skin of his face. But what Sunghoon wonders is, what is he doing on my phone?
"What are you doing?" Sunghoon wonders.
Sunoo flinches in surprise as if he got caught in the act. "Nothing! Here's your phone. Thanks, hyung." Sunoo returns his phone and lays down, his back facing the older guy.
"Goodnight, Sunoo." Sunghoon mumbles before sleep take him.
"Goodnight, Sunghoon hyung." Sunoo whispers to the peaceful and quiet night. And just like that, Sunoo is also fast asleep.
STEP SIX: TELL HIM YOU LIKE HIM BECAUSE HE DOESN'T HEAR IT VERY OFTEN.
The trio—Jay, Jake, and Sunghoon—are out for a meal, well that's what they said, but actually Sunghoon just wants to ask for advice on what to do next since as far as he could remember, he's finished with the list.
"I don't know what to do." Sunghoon groans, running his hand through his hair.
"Hold on, I gotta ask this question." Jay perks up, leaning against the table to get closer to Sunghoon and Jake. "Do you like Sunoo?"
It was a loaded question that made the air punched out from Sunghoon's chest. He is stunned into silence and so is Jake, who is gaping at Sunghoon.
He thinks back to when he saw Sunoo cry and sure he created the list because Sunghoon genuinely cares for the younger guy, but his intentions gradually changed along the way. And it's not because he no longer cares, but because he started to like him too immensely to do all of those things that he'd never thought he'd do.
So yeah, "I do like him." He finally, finally admits, and he adds. "More than a friend should."
"We're proud of you, dude." Jake grins like a puppy, patting Sunghoon on his back.
"Damn, you both look cute together," Jay comments with a smirk.
"Sheesh, stop that," Sunghoon grumbles, a faint blush spreading on the curves of his cheeks. He fishes his phone out of his pocket to scan through the list once again.
Yet, something catches his attention that causes him to let out an audible gasp.
Jay and Jake eye him cautiously when Sunghoon just stares at his phone with eyes wide and mouth ajar. Sunghoon just shoves his phone and the two other guys loom over the poor phone, peering at the screen. What appears before them is the list Sunghoon made which isn't a shocker for them now, but there is a step that's been added and the culprit left all three of them in disbelief and bewilderment.
Step 6: Tell him you like him because he doesn't hear it very often. – 🦊
"Did he write that?" Jake muses, still staring at the phone as it would somehow give them any answers.
"Maybe? Shit, I don't know."
"Did he borrow your phone recently?" Jay ponders and it causes Sunghoon to think. The sleepover, his brain provides him a simple reply.
Sunghoon lets out a loud wail, hitting his forehead on the wooden table. "I'm so stupid. Stupid. Stupid. Stupid."
"Yeah, you are, if you don't stop doing that." Jake chastises, putting his palm on the table where Sunghoon keeps hitting his forehead.
Sunghoon ceases slamming his forehead and rests it on Jake's palm.
"You know," Jay says thoughtfully. "Sunoo just gave you the next step on what to do."
"Huh?"
"He's basically giving you the green light to confess."
"What if it's all platonic to him?" Sunghoon reasons out and he has a point though, Jay wouldn't lie, but there's still nothing wrong with being honest.
"Platonic or romantic, you still like him anyway. Just cause if he doesn't see you the way you see him doesn't necessarily mean it's completely over." Jay advises him before shoving a piece of steak in his mouth.
Sunghoon straightens up in his seat and acts as if he just didn't embarrass himself earlier, and he says with confidence. "Okay, fine, I'll confess."
🌤
He doesn't confess, sadly.
No matter how many times Jake and Jay have been egging him on to do it, Sunghoon gets cold feet and backs out immediately.
And so the days go by with Step 6 being momentarily forgotten.
🌤
"See, I told you he doesn't feel the same way." Sunoo visibly deflates, hugging his pillow against his chest.
"Maybe he's just finding the right time?" Heeseung tries to remain positive for the three of them.
Heeseung had joined their duo when he suddenly butted in their conversation and as an adult with wise wisdom, Sunoo had listened to him attentively.
Jungwon agrees. "Yeah, it could be. Don't overthink about it too much."
It's been a week since Sunoo intentionally left an additional step on Sunghoon's list about him due to Jungwon's suggestion. Knowing about the list on his phone was a complete accident when he heard Sunghoon explain it to Jay and Jake. And when he confided in Jungwon about it, the younger guy told him to write another step that could lead to Sunghoon admitting his feelings for Sunoo.
Although Sunoo wasn't sure if Sunghoon saw him more than a group member or a little brother, he's afraid of knowing what the outcome this could have. Yet, he took the risk and left the matters in Sunghoon's hands. And a tinge of hope pokes the corner of his heart that maybe, just maybe, Sunghoon might reciprocate even a tiny amount of his feelings.
If he were being honest, he likes Sunghoon a bit too much, which he didn't really expect to feel towards the older guy. Maybe it was just his attachment and attention-deprived self speaking, but throughout all the things Sunghoon did for him and the times before that, he never realized how deep his feelings started to bloom. And he stopped suppressing these feelings, fully admitting that it's totally okay to succumb to his feelings.
🌤
"I'm done showering, Niki," Sunghoon informs the youngest when he enters their shared room, drying his hair with his towel. The youngest hums, leaping out of his bed in a rush.
Sunghoon climbs up to the top bunk, head still hung low as he rubs his hair that he didn't realize his knee has scrunched up a paper perched on his pillow. Blinking hastily, he halts his movements and stares at the paper. For some reason, his heart is pounding in his ears as he picks the paper and unfolds it.
Making Park Sunghoon Smile
A list by Sunoo
Step 1: Eat the food he gave you.
Step 2: Accept his hug. Sometimes, it's okay to ask for comfort.
Step 3: Tell him he did well too. Tell him he's a great friend, a good companion, and the best person altogether.
Step 4: Share your thoughts. He's willing to listen.
Step 5: Be proud of him too.
Step 6: Tell him you like him, no matter what the result is.
Sunghoon completely stiffens, the list pulling his heartstrings. This reminds him of the list he made weeks ago—the list that made him realize that what he harbors for Sunoo isn't something platonic only.
Just then, the door of their room opens.
"Sunghoon hyung, Heeseung hyung is looking for—why are you looking at me like that?" Sunoo raises his brow when he feels the older guy's heavy gaze on him.
Sunghoon breathes in profoundly before releasing an audible exhale through his mouth. "Did you," he raises the paper in his hand, "perhaps write this?"
Sunoo stares at the familiar piece of paper—the same paper he ripped off from his old journal and wrote impulsively a list that somehow counters Sunghoon's. How the fuck did that reach Sunghoon's hands?
He can feel the anxiousness creeping in, yet he quickly dismisses the feeling. He can't lie now since the cat's finally out of the bag.
"Yeah, I did."
"Oh." Sunghoon could only breathe out a one-word reply.
"Heh, yeah, oh." Sunoo halfheartedly chuckles, shifting awkwardly against the closed door. "Does that make you uncomfortable?"
The vulnerable tone catches Sunghoon's attention, making him run down from his spot and towards Sunoo. He reaches out, tentatively and softly brushing his thumb against Sunoo's cheek.
"No," Sunghoon mumbles, reassuring. He inches himself closer to Sunoo. "Actually, it made me smile."
The younger guy breaks out into a lighthearted giggle, staring straight into Sunghoon's eyes. "That's good to hear, hyung."
"Something is missing, though."
"Huh? What's that?"
Sunghoon scans the paper again. "Step six? I think we both haven't done it yet."
With brave steps, he gently cups the older guy's cheeks, leaning closer and closer until his lips are pressed against Sunghoon's. He could hear his heart racing when he felt how soft Sunghoon's lips were. The younger guy wills his heart to slow down just as Sunghoon wraps his arm around Sunoo's frame, pulling him impossibly closer.
After a while, Sunoo is the first to break away, looking up at the older guy with his crescent-shaped eyes and laughter bubbling inside his chest.
"I don't think that's step six, though?"
Sunoo shoves Sunghoon's shoulder playfully. "Fine."
Sunoo prepares himself while Sunghoon waits for whatever he has to say, although he already knows what it is deep down.
"I like you, Sunghoon hyung."
Sunghoon feels so, so, so light as he hears the confession coming from Sunoo himself. "Good, because I like you too, Sunoo."
They stare at each other with fondness filling their eyes, the list long forgotten on the floor, but what's more important to Sunghoon is the warmth of Sunoo's lips curling upward that cradles him like a morning beam.
And Sunghoon is certain that Sunoo's smile could really rival the sun.