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Maybe that was it. Maybe that was his purpose all alone. The reason that the prodigy of destruction ended on his hands. Maybe everything was predestined, maybe Plagg was with him just for that reason.
Maybe that was everything he was worth for. After all, he was just an alley cat. He never meant to be more, even if for a short lapse of time he allowed himself to think that he’d found his place in the world. But it was just a mirage, an illusion. Everything he thought he had carefully built was nothing but a house of cards. And now it collapsed right in front his eyes. Everything he believed in, everything he had promised and wanted to protect… Now it meant nothing.
Or rather, it meant too much. Maybe that made everything worse. He had to betray her, and that was the most painful thing he’d ever done, he will ever do. Betraying himself was easy. In a sense, he’d been doing that for a year now.
He glanced at her. He could almost hear her, softly whispering ‘kitty’. Calling on him. Needing him.
Again, a mirage.
“Chat, are you okay?”
He felt himself flinch and all his body tense, a silent shudder going down his spine. Everyone was looking at him with the same curiosity reflected in their eyes. He had to remind himself. It was just an act. One last act. He’d always been hiding himself, who he was. Acting like Chat for Ladybug, for all Paris. Acting like perfect Adrien for everyone else. He didn’t know anymore who his true self was. It was another fantasy. Everything he was and ever were, was a construct. The perfect son that his father always desired, the perfect student that everyone wanted to see, the perfect boy everyone expected him to be. He had no freedom. Even if he thought he had grazed that feeling when he became Chat Noir, when Plagg and the Master trusted him… It was another lie. Another sparkly jail, though a very different one.
But it all seemed clear now. There was no freedom… because he was never meant to be free. He was no one. Just a side character in someone else’s story: his father’s, Ladybug’s. It didn’t matter.
He closed his eyes, heard his breathing. To everyone else it was normal. To his enhanced hearing, his heart had never beaten faster, his breathing had never sounded so scared. What he had to do, what was the right thing to do, what he wanted to do… For once, everyone seemed one and the same. Everything would be as it should have been.
The only thing he would regret would be looking at those blue eyes, those precious blue eyes, and not seeing his partner there. Because all Ladybug would see was a stranger wearing a prodigy that he never deserved to carry. A wearer that was weak enough to never act like himself. The last she would see… a coward. It was his decision, and his conviction didn’t waver. When he looked up, green eyes lighting up and a cheeky grin as always, he decided not to miss any other step. He would only have one chance.
“Yes, my lady. I’m always with you.”
Ladybug –more like Pegabug– smiled, and it was bright and brave, as all of her was. He felt a pang right in his chest, and there it was. The graze to freedom. That distant feeling that he could reach but never hold. But he looked away, and reminded himself that he’d made a choice. The final battle would be the toughest, in a way he never believed possible, he couldn’t have imagined.
“No jokes? Cat got your tongue?”
He turned to look at her, eyes wide open, but the smirk he received in return was enough to make his heart loop. That. That was the only thing he would miss. Maybe that was why he allowed himself to get anchored in that precise instant. He didn’t need to stop time to stay there, drowning in those blue irises, wondering if there was something he would change, if there was something he could’ve done better. If there was something he could do now, a way that those blue eyes looked at him, saw him.
…no, there wasn’t. He knew that. It was all decided. From the moment Hawk Moth appeared, from the moment he sought the miraculous, from the moment he made his wish. Because he was sure now what that wish was. It couldn’t be any other way.
That’s why it couldn’t end any other way.
He didn’t answer his lady that day. It would be the first time that happened. It would also be the last. Greenish cat eyes narrowed, glaring the glooming structure towering before them. There was no turning back. The only thing he could hope was not to be hated.
“Let’s go get Hawk Moth. This time for good.”
“There’s no way to hide anymore, Gabriel Agreste!”
The name thudded and resounded against him, even if he already knew. Ladybug’s voice carried all the hatred, the suffering, the pain they’ve fought and overcame together. A year fighting him and the akumas, all reduced to just a man, barely holding against them. A single man that had brought so much destruction, so much suffering, all for his own benefit. That’s what everyone thought, that’s what Ladybug thought. But Chat knew better. No, Adrien did. It wasn’t for his own benefit, and that almost made it worse. It was because he was unable to move on. Because he was unable to forget, to forgive, to overcome. That made him selfish, but erased the monster.
It also made it worse, because it meant Adrien was no better.
Hawk Moth grimaced. He knew there was no point in hiding anymore. He glared, but snapped his fingers to make his mask disappeared. Chat felt again like if someone had punched his guts. He already knew, but seeing his father transformed in front of him was still too much. It hurt too much.
“This fight is over, Agreste,” Ladybug hissed. “Return the miraculous of the Peacock and the Butterfly!”
Gabriel didn’t answer, but the grip on his staff tightened. Next to him, Mayura still waited for orders, her fan shielding her face from view, even if it was impossible to tell who it was behind the mask. Again, Chat didn’t need to guess. He knew he was right, as much as he knew what his next step should be.
He didn’t think it would be that difficult. He never thought that his legs would be trembling. Never thought that the day he finally faced Hawk Moth he would be desperate to be somewhere else. To be someone else. It would’ve everything be easier if he’d given up the Destruction Miraculous?
At least he wouldn’t be involved. Maybe it would’ve been better. He didn’t regret his time with Ladybug, but… He regretted that it came to this.
“You heard her, give us the miraculouses!” Rena shouted, eyes blazing in anger. Chat couldn’t blame her. He felt as angry, as powerless. But overall, he felt devastated, and decided. All the doubts that had brought him here vanished in thin air when he saw his father’s face, contorted by nothing more than desperation. There was no trace of any villain. It was his father, and he was mad enough, crazy enough, to only see the miraculouses that he so long yearned. The only thing he wished for.
…the only thing he cared for.
“Never! You claim to be allies of justice, but there’s no cause more just than mine!”
Chat felt that echoed through his whole body, making his teeth tingle. It was an uncomfortable sensation, yet somehow so familiar that it burn inside. How he could have been so blind? How he didn’t recognize that disheartening feeling eating Gabriel up inside, tainting his voice in dark notes? How he couldn’t see, when the same feeling watched him from the mirror every morning?
“Justice? You don’t know the meaning of that work!” Carapace spitted out. Chat knew they weren’t talking about him, but it hurt just the same. He couldn’t explain, couldn’t put a logic argument out of it, but every single word felt like daggers straight up to his heart. A part of him, the part of him that was Chat Noir, the superhero, wanted to yell too. Wanted to blame that horrible man in front of him for all the pain he had caused. A different part of him wanted to run out, de-transform, leave everything behind, and just hug the man who was as heartbroken as Adrien was, try to ease all the pain that it was now clear in Gabriel’s eyes.
The only thing that both parts wanted was already decided, but it didn’t make it any easier. Who said, cats aren’t afraid to heights?
“I know better than you, kids,” Gabriel returned the same venom. “All of this was necessary! Everything I’ve ever done was for her! To bring back Emilie!”
A gasp of surprise hanged in the air. Ladybug looked at the villain with shocked eyes, and just for an instant, she couldn’t see no villain. Just a shattered man, pieces of what he once was. She knew Emilie’s name, they all did. They heard from Adrien, that wonderful woman who made her son’s eyes lit up every time she was brought into conversation. The kind, warm mother that tucked his soon in every night, that carried him to school and always was eager to hear what he did during the day, the kind of person who always wanted to help everyone. Yes, Emilie was the kind of person who leaves a mark, those kind of people who you can’t quite look straight because they’re so bright it almost hurts.
Chat –no, Adrien, wasn’t shocked. He just wasn’t. He felt numb and empty, as if someone had ripped something deeply important out of his chest, a piercing dark space that kept growing, threatening to swallow him whole. Everything he ever was, the person he tried to be, the mask he put on… Everything fell down, like a mountain crumbling, the same suffocating sensation clawing at his throat. No, not now. He couldn’t cry now. He needed to be strong. For Ladybug, yes, but also for his father.
He only needed one last step.
“You did this… for your wife?” Ladybug’s voice came as a whisper, so soft that almost made Chat purr in response. If things would’ve been different, if he wasn’t about to break up, if his Lady’s whisper wasn’t carrying a pain that could break anyone’s will… Maybe in other time, in other circumstances, Chat would’ve allowed himself to be happy.
Gabriel sighed, but not in defeat, but in defiance. He wasn’t going to give up. Never he’s given up before in his life, he wouldn’t do it now. Not when the miraculouses were within reach, so close he could almost see her standing there, next to him.
“The miraculous of Ladybug and Chat Noir, of Creation and Destruction, together they can grant me my wish! They can bring back Emilie!” He roared, throwing himself on Ladybug. She reacted as quickly, forgetting about compassion and reminding herself that this was the right thing, as much as every step hurt, as much as she wanted to surrender the miraculous. Never before she felt that way, and by the way she felt Tikki rustling inside of her, she agreed. But they could never hand it over, because she knew the consequences.
With a swing of her yoyo, and thanks to Carapace and Rena pouncing next to her, Hawk Moth was forced to slid back, his feet barely holding in on top of the Eiffel Tower, the abysm threatening below them. Mayura helped him recover his balance, and glared with a renewed anger to the superheroes.
“Why are you getting in my way!? I can’t live with her, she is my life! I will not give up against anything!”
“We can’t do that! Don’t you understand?! For each action, there’s a consequence! If I give you the miraculous and you make a wish, if your wife is brought back to life… Someone would die to take her place!” Ladybug pleaded for his understanding, eyes slightly overwhelmed by tears. His Lady, the ever strong one, crying in what should be the last battle. What it should be the happy ending.
“I DON’T CARE!” Gabriel roared, and it was the last straw. Chat felt himself snap, like if something inside broke, silent to everyone else, but deafening in his ears. Because when he turned to look at his Lady, and he wanted to rush to her, his feet didn’t move. When he looked at Hawk Moth, no, when he looked at Gabriel, and knew it was his duty to attack, he didn’t move either. If there was single doubt in his mind, it was all erased when that last thread was broken. For some reason, he never before had felt so alone. Maybe that was the meaning of being the wearer of destruction. Maybe he couldn’t escape the darkness. He couldn’t outrun his own darkness.
Because when he looked, he didn’t see the fight. He didn’t feel like helping the family he was born with, but neither the one he found along the way. He felt empty, and isolated. But above that, he felt warm. Because if he tried hard enough, he also could see his mother standing there, looking at them with a wide smile, waving her hand with sparkly eyes.
That vision that Adrien dreaded so much, loved so much, yearned so much. The vision that Chat would never get to see.
“I know how much it hurts, losing someone close.”
He didn’t raise his voice, didn’t scream, didn’t move either, but his voice cut out like a tidal wave, anchoring everyone in place and causing all eyes to look at him. Green fiery eyes that no longer belonged to a human, but to a feral beast.
He gave one step, slowly. He felt terribly heavy, dragging all his insecurities, his fear behind him. He managed to get to Ladybug, to look the girl he so much loved in the eyes. He wanted to say it one mire time, to soothe the piercing ache in his heart. But he knew it wouldn’t be fair, it wouldn’t make sense. Not after what he was about to do.
“My Lady,” he whispered, so soft and so unlike him that even Ladybug jumped next to him. “Would you please lend me your miraculous?”
Ladybug gasped and reached out for her pendants, instinctively protecting them. Chat just smiled his usual smile, and held out his open palm to her. He wouldn’t take them away from her. That much he promised.
“What?! Why?! Are you gone mad, Chaton!?”
“Ladybug, please, I have a plan.” Ladybug’s eyes narrowed suspiciously, still not willing to let go of her miraculous. “My Lady, I always trusted you. No matter what you asked from me, no matter how crazy or impossible your plans seemed, no matter if you brushed me away… I always trusted you. Because you are my incredible Bugaboo.” If she didn’t notice or opted to ignore the nickname, Chat didn’t know, but what he was prouder of is to always be able to bring a smile to her face, no matter the odds. So he did know, making an exaggerated bow, the tiniest of smile glowing through the mask she hid under.
“Trust me, My Lady, as I trust you. Please.”
Ladybug closed her eyes, carefully considering. He loved her even more for that. She never rushed into a decision, and that’s why she was so good. Chat was the one who pounced at the danger without thinking twice. They complimented each other, that’s why they were such a good team. The impossible team, that so perfectly worked together, despite all the odds.
And Ladybug, carefully considering, reached the same conclusion. So she nodded, and even Chat opened his eyes in surprise, because it was crazy, but his lady still trusted him. “Always,” she whispered, and Chat broke even more inside.
Ladybug took out her pendants, whispering for the de-transformation, and only Kaalki and the previous fusion kept the girl’s identity out of view. Tikki reappeared in her hand, looking at her with big, confused eyes, but Ladybug only placed one last kiss against the kwami’s forehead before offering the miraculous to Chat.
“Are you sure about this, kitty?”
He quivered, and wavered. For just an instant, looking at those piercing blue eyes, he doubted of everything. His plan, his place, his deductions, his decision. For just a moment, he wished to drown in those eyes and never came to the surface. Be true to Chat Noir, to what he represented, and be faithful to Ladybug.
But this wasn’t a fairy tale. And there wouldn’t be a happy ending. The only thing he could hold onto was the sun-warm graze that ran through his forearm, the memory of soft lips kissing his temple, comforting arms holding him tight.
“I know how hard is, to get stuck in the past. To want anything more than what’s gone… and the suffering it comes from knowing you will never get it.”
“What the hell you are going to know?! I lost the love of my life!”
Chat nodded, holding Gabriel’s gaze without stumbling. His miraculous shone, so close to Ladybug’s, but he closed his hand over the pendants, protective.
Yes. His father lost the person he loved the most. The only person he cared for. Adrien knew that much. He was tired of empty hallways and lone dinners. Tired of being locked up in his golden cage, to be unable to do nothing but his father’s wishes, hoping to one day earn the love the couturier had seem to forget. But Adrien understood then, that he hadn’t forgotten. He couldn’t, because he only loved one person. He did everything for one person. Gabriel did everything for Emilie.
There was no place for him in the manor. It never were.
“I know how is to feel lost, and trapped. I know how much you’re suffering, better than anyone. I know how hard was to lose Emilie, because she was pure light. The rising sun that vanquished the darkness.”
Gabriel’s eyes opened wide, and Ladybug followed Chat’s moves, getting closer and closer to him. But then he stopped, and when he opened his eyes, tears ran through his face without pause, like a silent torrent.
“You…” Gabriel exhaled, almost without air.
“It should’ve never been this way,” Chat continued in a whisper. “We shouldn’t have lost her, she should be the one here, illuminating us all. She always could do that, right? She smiled, and she always made everyone happier. She… was the one who had a meaning. A purpose. She was the one that deserved to be alive.” He turned to Ladybug, his precious Ladybug, who looked at him with terrified eyes, still not understanding. But soon enough. “No one wants an alley cat.”
Chat gave some steps back, void dangerously close to his feet. Ladybug screamed to stop him, and he did, swift and obedient as always. His tail waved in the wind, and the chill air caressed his neck and hair, and again it felt so familiar.
He would miss his bossy lady.
“Maybe that’s the reason I’m here. All along, why I was the wearer of the Destruction Miraculous. Maybe it was all meant to be this way. To end this way. After all, I always was just the second choice. Always pretending I’m not tired of lurking in the shadows.”
Chat closed his eyes, because he couldn’t hold any longer his lady’s gaze, carrying such sadness when looking at him. His fingers move to the ring that always accompanied him, that it was a part of him, and took it out.
The transformation always came with a flash of light that left him momentarily blind. It used to be annoying, but that moment it was as warm as everything else, Emilie’s memory burnt in his mind. The two miraculouses rested heavy on his palm, and he smiled. The saddest, most proud smile he had ever done. He would finally find his value… He would finally settle things right.
Adrien, now just Adrien, looked up, and dared to hold the gaze of those people one last time. Ladybug’s eyes had gone wide, and he couldn’t quite discern if she was scared, shocked, angry or hurt, but looked at him as she just saw a ghost. Adrien chuckled, allowing him to be himself for a second, just a second longer. It hurt more than anything, but he couldn’t go without saying goodbye to his lady. It wouldn’t be fair. But he wasn’t so brave to say it aloud, not that. So he mouthed, ‘cat got your tongue?’, and felt somehow proud when his lady flinched. He burnt that image in his mind, hold onto it, because he knew it would be everything he had.
He turned then to Gabriel. He looked at his son with the greatest shock in his face, eyes scanning him up and down as if there was no way that his mortal enemy had been his son all along. Adrien almost felt tempted to laugh, because his expression had probably been the same when he realized. But he couldn’t, because now it all hurt too much. He saw his father’s hands shaking, and he could swear that it never happened before.
That was a firsts’ day. But never a happy ending. Not his happy ending.
“I miss her so much too. She should be the one standing here… not me. Maybe that’s why the miraculous came to me. To make things right.” Adrien shot one last look to Mayura, because he was pretty much certain of who she was, and smiled at her confused expression. Then he looked at his father. And when he understood, because he was sharp and Adrien knew that much, he yelled, and held out his hand.
But it was too late, because certain cat got tired of being locked, of being punished, of being screamed at. The cat that chose to be free, to jump. To give everything he was… for the person he had loved the most.
“I love you, dad.”
It probably wasn’t the first time he disobeyed his lady. Heh. Probably there was a lot of those, but Adrien couldn’t remember a single one of them now. He stepped back, and his feet failed to find solid ground. He felt like floating for an instant, suspended on nothing but air, the emptiness inside nothing compared with the warm ghostly touch of a hand next to him. He closed his eyes tight, because cats sometimes are afraid of heights, and held the miraculouses against his chest. He heard his father screaming, he heard Nathalie, voice ringing so clear in the air that he didn’t understand how he didn’t get it earlier. He heard Rena and Carapace, calling him not by his nickname, but his true name, ‘Adrien’ ringing bittersweet and desperate in their synchronized notes. But above all, he heard his lady. It was somehow comforting, and yet at the same time devastating, hearing her voice scream for him, cry for him, when they knew it was too late already.
The wind gushed around him, his head felt light, and everything was blurry. Oh. He was crying, that’s why. He felt the sadness creeping up his chest and throat, he sobbed, and cried, and even screamed. He was afraid, because what child isn’t afraid to die? To leap? But, as awkward as it seemed, he didn’t hesitate either. The choice he made, that both Adrien and Chat Noir did… The right thing to do.
It never was him, because what importance could his existence have? From friends that only saw a mask of him, to a family that didn’t consider more than the reflection of what he should be… What possible meaning could he find in that life?
“Plagg, I’m sorry. You’ve been the best partner ever.”
The wind swallowed his words. He held the miraculouses tighter, and felt his heart beat louder and faster in return. A droplet of water landed on his nose, and he managed the strength to smile, one last time.
“Please, grant me my wish,” he whispered, the verge of the storm drowning all of his words, only to be carried by the wind, by hope. “Please, bring my mother back, allow her to live again… And take my life in turn. Please.”
As Adrien and his words got drowned by droplets of rain and the growing near ground, he heard. Just an instance, a blink in time not long enough to really catch anything, but he felt it in his heart like it belonged here. A well known laugh, pure radiant and kindness, holding him lovely. Emilie’s laugh, carried in his son’s heart, meant to be heard.
But not this way. What mother would’ve wanted to be this way.
He felt the hit, an instant of explosive paint through every nerve of his body. There, before darkness reached the last corner of his sight, warm rain pouring over, he heard. One last scream that pierced the hearts and froze the soul, the heart wrenching-cry of one immense loss, the most pure and raw desperation attached to the discordant notes. His name, cried high and low, begged for those two that never wanted that to happen.
For some reason, Adrien smiled. Chat did too. And in some corner of his mind, where there was no distinction anymore, where he could always be true and never be scared, a boy and a cat broke the prisons that hold them down.
It wasn’t worth the price, when the rain was taunted red.