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Denying the obvious was not acceptable anymore.
He could almost hear the clock ticking above his head, its rhythm having so much power over his body even his heartbeats slowed and adjusted to it. Tick-tock… a seagull flew across the sky, then dropped to almost eye level. He instinctively raised the pamphlet he held in his long fingers… tick-tock… those fuckers just loved to target him with their waste, or simply deep dive above his head every time he sat in his favourite spot on the shore, even when he stayed out here in such ungodly hours as tonight. Like they wanted him out of here… tick-tock… they reminded him of humans he surrounded himself with most of the time, except seagulls were honest with their intentions at least. Humans were never. Fake smiles, fake compliments, fake love. He had the intense urge to write songs about all that… tick-tock… except he couldn’t anymore.
Aoi lifted his arm to check the elegant watch on his wrist, its illuminated face blinding him for a second after staring at the black mass of water in front of him for who knows how long. Half-past three. He was not sleepy at all, despite the bottles in the bag next to him proving he had three beers earlier this night, and this being his third night spent on the Ichinomiya beach this week. Considering the fact that it was only Friday, that was serious trouble and he knew it. However, spending his time in his apartment after a day of work and trying to squeeze something original, something real out of his clouded and tired brain, trying to make his fingers move to a melody that didn’t exist yet, one that was not tossed aside as worthless yet… it was impossible. He couldn’t do it. Not when every day felt like everyone was speeding on the highway while he was sitting on a bench, watching his world leave him behind.
Meetings, rehearsals, guitar lessons, interviews, getting drunk then promising it’s not gonna happen again, then more meetings, online group calls with the band, tweeting some nonsense, English lessons, more guitar lessons, and getting drunk again… There was no way to escape, and one would ask… why would he want to? Everything they touched turned to gold, sold-out shows, empty warehouses due to the fans buying every merch in a matter of hours, albums and singles which held high positions on charts… It was a musician’s dream, really!
But what happens if you take music out of a musician?
Does a mind run out of melodies?
He stretched, then leaned back, supporting himself with his arms. He was always afraid of this coming. The day he received a recording from Ruki and he could make himself play the song, but he couldn’t make himself own the song. There were no changes, no suggestions, no “Aoi flourishes” added to it. It was just a rendering of someone else’s emotions and thoughts replayed by his numb fingers.
The lingering aftertaste of the beer he had hours ago reminded him of one of the half-drunken nights back in the days which he spent in the company of many musicians, the majority younger than him. He closed his eyes and let his mind wander, remembering the setting, the atmosphere. Remembering the words.
“Tell me, have you ever had an artist’s block?”
“Why would you ask me that?” Yoshiki laughed. “Your band just finished a pretty successful tour, and the album was a hit, wasn’t it?”
“Just answer the question, please” Aoi was almost begging, being unable to keep his mind to himself. He already felt the ground slip despite everything going perfectly.
“I did. Several times.”
Aoi’s fingers reaching out to grab his beer froze in mid-air as he snapped his head towards the blonde man. He blamed his dizziness on the alcohol, not the excitement, of course not the excitement regarding how maybe, just maybe he found a person who could help him. That was a foolish wish. This was just a theoretical conversation. “Tell me how you got out of it!”
“There’s no recipe, Aoi…”
“Does the mind run out of melodies? Does that ever happen? That there are simply… no more, and you can’t help it?”
His drunkenness made him sway on the barstool, so he ended up grabbing the counter to steady himself and while doing so, his gaze connected with Yoshiki’s for the briefest of moments. And oh, he wished it hadn’t happened… He saw pity in there, something that made his blood boil. Then Yoshiki replied, with a soft, understanding smile and a low voice, his words forever ingrained in Aoi’s mind.
“There comes a time in the future when you lose the ability to surprise yourself anymore. It will come, it always comes. That’s when you need a change and a monumental one. One, that shakes you out of the lukewarm pool of self-assurance you were spending your comfortable time in and tosses you out to the cold, vast plains of what you’d consider an empty canvas, a blank page in a sheet music notebook. And you have to rebuild your world around a new pillar. That’s the only way it works.”
Aoi now remembered, he wanted to ask Yoshiki how many pillars he had and destroyed, how many times he had to restart his mind, how many worlds he left behind, but he ended up doing none of that. There was a hug that he could still recall despite every other part of the night except the conversation being fuzzy and unfocused in his mind. And then there was nothing left, just the rising sun waking him up sprawled on his bed, cursing his drunken self from the previous day who didn’t close the blackout curtains.
He thought about Yoshiki’s words numerous times since that night years ago, but back then he was only dancing on the edge of burnout, the clock was not ticking yet. The situation, however, was entirely different now. Three nights on the seashore after an hour-long drive got him thinking about settling down and stopping to try and satisfy his needs with hookers or someone from a nomikai. It got him thinking about how he had enough of being alone while having four other people tied to him with red strings for two decades now. It got him thinking about a change, a monumental one.
A sigh escaped his lips as he leaned forward and sunk his fingers in his hair, which was indeed growing fast now that he refused to cut it on a whim months ago. His head, his mind that betrayed him, his fingers that refused to take pity on him anymore and obey… his soul, that ran out of melodies. The rising sun caught him with his hands balled into fists, grabbing his hair and trying not to scream as the uncertainty of his shaking world rocked his body. Then he heard voices, and he knew that it was time to go, before the shore became too crowded to his liking. He took one last glance at his watch - ten past five -, and rose, heading towards the parking lot while pulling up his mask and dropping his fedora on his head.
It takes one hour to make it back to Tokyo.
Aoi realized this is the point when he has to let the world the way he knew so far crumble.
This is the point to find a new pillar to build around.
That pillar was standing for a long time now, he just refused to acknowledge its importance.
After arriving in Tokyo it takes another twenty minutes to reach Uruha’s apartment.