Chapter Text
Lexi didn’t know if she believed in soulmates.
The entire idea seemed unrealistic – the idea that there was one perfect person for everyone and that come what may, you’d be okay if you found that person? Lexi didn’t trust it, she had seen what happened even when people did find their soulmate, take her parents – Suze and Gus Howard. They had been met in college, dropped their significant others when they had found out, fallen madly in love and had her and Cassie then it had all fallen apart, years later.
Then there was her sister, Cassie who threw herself headfirst into relationships and hook-ups and other ill-advised situation-ships in order to find her soulmate. Lexi would hold her older sister as she cried her heart out, climbing in to her bed and soaking the pillow with her tears as she choked out whatever this guy or that guy had said to her, done to her or done with her and Lexi’s heart felt harder for it.
She saw Nate and Maddy, the quarterback proclaiming that Maddy was his soulmate but she knew from Maddy, confiding in her and Cassie at one of their sleepovers that she wasn’t sure if Nate really was her soulmate. That she mostly went along with their relationship because it was comfortable and she loved him just enough. Enough but not completely.
Lexi didn’t want to be jaded or cynical, she wanted to be a dreamer, an artist, a creative like all her favourite literary figures but it was hard when she saw love bringing nothing but pain.
So no, she didn’t know if she believed in soulmates.
But she was pretty sure she had one, out there somewhere.
She remembered being told from as young as she could remember that soulmates felt each other’s emotions and pain, so whatever you experienced, your soulmate, if you had one, would feel it all too. Lexi had dreamed about meeting her soulmate when she was younger, wondering what they would look like, what their voice sounded like, what their hand would feel like in hers. And if she was really honest with herself? She still wondered and she longed to meet them.
For a little while, she thought Rue might be her soulmate, she couldn't imagine loving anyone more than she loved her best friend so they had put it to the test - Rue had pinched herself, really hard and they both waited for Lexi's reaction, but there wasn't anything and so they moved on, it had been her first taste of heartbreak, she had been so sure that maybe, just maybe it could be Rue. But then Rue found Jules and was honestly, purely happy, the high of finding her soulmate mixed in with the drugs taking her to another plane, further away from Lexi.
The reason she felt like she had a soulmate, even if she hadn’t met them yet was the random bursts of pain she’d feel every so often. More often than she knew what to do with. Random migraines, aches and pains across her ribs, harsh punches against her face, and the worst time had come when she was ten she had felt like her head was going to split open with how much it hurt. She remembered screaming and falling to the floor, waking up to Cassie and her parents crying over her, wondering what the hell had happened. She remembers her mom and dad’s eyes meeting knowingly as they pressed an ice pack to her head, the faint scar across her head fading almost as soon as it appeared, Lexi not realising at the time what it meant.
The pain was less common now, but every few months, she’d wake up to her jaw aching, her knuckles feeling ripped raw and her stomach feeling unsettled, kneeling over the toilet as she retched. What hurt more than any of that though was knowing that somewhere out there, her soulmate was hurting and clearly had a really tough life, since the pain never seemed to stop for long.
Lexi wanted to hold him, to kiss away his tears, the phantom burning in her eyes would come when she was up late and make her heart hurt with the thought of her soulmate crying alone somewhere.
It wasn’t all bad though, along with the pain came the good stuff. She would feel her stomach ache with laughter, a haze falling over her frequently where she felt utterly at peace, the hard edges of her anxiety blurring a little, contentment. She would feel a lightness in the afternoons sometimes, like the feeling she got when she listened to music or read a good book and wondered what he was doing.
When she had tried to explain the feeling to Rue her best friend had laughed and just ruffled her hair, “Lex, sounds like they’re getting high and getting you high by extension” and Lexi had been a bit dismayed. She had seen what drugs had done to Rue and she didn’t like the thought of her soulmate hurting themselves like that, but she wanted to withhold judgement until she met them in person. If she ever met them that is.
As much as she didn’t want to admit it to anyone, but herself – she would find herself on the lookout for her soulmate everywhere, was it the cute girl she saw at the mall? That guy at the bookstore with the curly hair and green eyes? That guy at school who complimented her hair?
A really secret part of her, the part that didn’t even let herself write in her journal about it, hoped it was someone in particular.
She had been nursing a not so little crush for a few years now, and it was hopeless and pointless but she couldn’t help it. Ever since the day when Rue had dragged her along to a convenience store on the slightly tougher part of town and she had locked eyes with him for the first time through a faded pane of glass that had seen better days.
Fezco, she thought to herself, the thought of his icy blue eyes making her heart flutter.
She had imagined him being her soulmate, and where before there had been a faceless person whenever she daydreamed, it was now filled with an image of him. And it’s not even like they hung out regularly, not after that first time when Lexi had tried smoking weed and felt like crap, falling asleep to Fezco and Rue laughing and waking her up with talk of a fire. She had been so embarrassed that she had pretty much rushed to the bathroom, scrubbed her face clean which wasn’t easy since Rue had used a fucking sharpie and then rushed out of his apartment without even looking at him. She felt pathetic and small and what made it worse is that she thought they had been having a good time until then but clearly it wasn’t what she thought.
So yeah, since then their interactions had been minimal, she saw him and his brother at parties, at the carnival and at the store and she got the feeling he wanted to talk to her, but it never seemed to happen. Or maybe that was wishful thinking on her part and she was imagining the whole thing. But he had complimented her Halloween costume and gave her drinks for free whenever she passed by his store with Cassie, Maddy or Kat, a shy smile gracing his face when she would stutter out her thanks. So maybe it wasn’t all in her head.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Lexi slumped on the couch at the back of the room, the collective hum and noise from the party going on around her as she checked her phone once again. She had an argument with Cassie in the car and her sister had screamed at her, digging her nails in to Lexi’s arm, leaving little imprints from her fake nails as she ran out onto the road.
She thought that New Year’s Eve would be different, that she could actually have a good night and start the year off right without having to manage her sister, but as usual, Cassie was nowhere to be seen and Lexi was worrying herself sick. Story of her fucking life.
She heard the flick of a lighter, the flame lighting up the side of the strangers face, smoke billowing toward her slightly. She turned and noticed who she had come and sit next to. Fezco. Of fucking course. She was about to get up again, feigning the need to call Cassie or something until he spoke up “Yo, you Rue’s friend right?” and she wanted to crawl into a hole and die. He didn’t even remember her name, and here she was crushing on him and imagining he was her soulmate for fucks sake.
“Yeah, since preschool…I’m Lexi” she said awkwardly, meeting his gaze then looking away as he settled in to look at her more firmly. “I like that, that’s a nice name, I remember you, y’know?” he affirmed, and she turned back to him, mouth falling open a little until she caught herself, “Thanks…you do? Remember me I mean?” She hadn’t expected herself to say that, but that blissful softening was happening once again, butterflies in her stomach and she knew it meant her soulmate was happy, was excited even. Or was that all coming from her? It was hard to tell.
He nods then, a playful smile crossing his lips, “hell yeah, like I could forget you… I mean you dressed up as fucking Bob Ross, that guys dope as fuck” he said quickly and Lexi almost let herself believe he had been about to say something else, right before he snuck in the quip about her Halloween costume.
She scratched at her arm, the little points of Cassie’s nails had left little scratches on her right arm, which were rubbing against the sleeves of her gold top so she rolled it up a bit. “You okay there?” Fezco asked, his eyes falling on her arm where she was touching the scratches. She let out a nervous laugh, showing him her arm, “yeah it’s nothing, just my sister, we kind of had an argument on the way here and she kind of lost it” Fez’s eyes widened at that and he looked more closely at her arm. His eyes narrowing as he saw the scratches, “she fucking hurt you? That’s not right Lexi” he said, tone serious.
She ducked her head and rolled her sleeve back down, explaining how she had provoked Cassie tonight and that her sister wasn’t normally so easily angered, but that’s not really true, a voice in her head whispered even as she said the words. Cassie was the reactive Howard sister where Lexi was the soothing balm, the level headed one who reassured rather than exploded herself.
Fezco didn’t look convinced and just shook his head, scratching at his own arm idly, “still, shits not okay” and he blew out a little stream of smoke, making sure to angle it away from her. She appreciated that he didn’t let her brush it off, but still gently moved the conversation on.
“So how was your Christmas? Or are you like Jewish?” and that question started up a whole dialogue about Germanic Pagans and King James and witches, ending on God and heaven. This was simultaneously the best and most random conversation she could have imagined having with him but somehow it made her like him more. How he took everything in his stride and kept up with her, how he actually looked interested in what she had to say. She couldn’t remember the last time somebody her own age had done that, paid attention and actually meant it.
Plus, there was the fact that they had inched closer to one another on the couch and she could feel his warmth against her, his presence was grounding somehow. Their shoulders barely brushing, knees just inches apart. So close she could see his freckles, the sweep of his thick lashes and stare unabashed. The whole time he had stared at her like she was someone special, his eyes crinkling in mirth as she made a joke, smiling and laughing, holding his chest, the gold ring on his finger glinting. She could feel a sense of calm, a low bubble of nerves too but mostly peace from her soulmate, her own emotions coinciding with theirs nicely for once.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
After a short break where she went to check if Cassie was around, thinking she had seen her going round a corner, her sisters blue mini dress catching her eye and made sure she was okay. The sheen in her sister’s eyes wasn’t promising but Cassie had hugged her and apologised for earlier, albeit a bit haphazardly. Lexi made her way back to the couch, a little thrill in her as she saw Fez still seated. He had asked her to call him Fez and she was happy to oblige, it felt less formal calling him by his nickname, like Rue did.
“Where’d you go? I was starting to miss you” he said, arm stretched over the back of the couch, the back of her head brushing it slightly. She just laughed his comment off, but he was insistent, stating she was ‘the coolest person in here’. Lexi knew she was many things, cool was definitely not one of them, not by most people’s standards, but she couldn’t deny, she liked that he thought so. Every so often a chill from outside would make her shiver and his arm would shift on the back of the couch reflexively, as if to draw her closer or place his arm around her shoulders to ward off the chill, but he never did. Lexi wished he would.
She felt a subtle ache in her chest, it felt like her soulmate was sad all of a sudden, or yearning or something. She wondered what they were sad about and once again wished she could help.
After talking a bit more, she noticed Fez’s attention kept drifting away to somebody across the room, she looked across to see where he was staring…Nate Jacobs? Rue had told her some parts of what went down earlier this year and none of it had been good, she knew that Fez and Nate had some issues but clearly it wasn’t in the past. It felt like something bad was about to happen, anxiety roiling in her gut as Fez’s gaze flitted between her and Nate.
Then he was saying his goodbyes and she felt disappointment churn through her, thick and fast. But then he was asking for her number, hesitantly as if she would say no. She slid her phone across, their fingers barely brushing, his cheeks a little pink as he rose and wished her a happy new year. He moved gracefully as he pulled his green cable knit over his head, chain settling on his white long sleeve underneath. Lexi felt tension across her shoulder blades, coupled with a thrum of desire, just as he looked over at her at the same time. She looked away, caught staring red handed but he just looked right back at her, mouth quirking into a small smile which she liked to think was just for her in that moment.
Then all hell broke loose as he smashed a bottle over Nate’s head and began punching him mercilessly, the entire time she was rooted to the spot, and she felt like she was going to be sick. Rising up from her seat as Fez got up, making his way across the room, shooting her one last look, a touch of contrition on his features as he left her sight.
Pain hit her full force then, her hands hurt, purple bruises blooming on her knuckles then disappearing, her chest was rising and falling quickly, she couldn’t catch her breath fast enough, adrenaline pulsing through her veins. Her jaw was clenched and she felt like she couldn’t focus, what the fuck? She looked down at her hands, which were still hurting so much and then across the room at Nate who was lying bleeding on the floor then at Fezco’s retreating back. His hands flexing as he strode away.
It was almost like…no, it couldn’t be…could it?
Fezco couldn’t be her soulmate for real, could he? Lexi tried to think of any other reasonable explanation as to how it could be but a quote from one of Lexi’s favourite books rung across her mind ‘when you have eliminated the impossible, whatever remains, however improbable, must be the truth’. Holy shit.
Fezco was her soulmate.