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If one were to ask what’s his relationship with Taehyung, Seokjin would firmly say, without any hint of hesitation, We’re friends.
Because that’s the truth: Seokjin and Taehyung were– are –friends. They met during college at an anime convention (don’t judge), exchanged contacts, and have been inseparable since. It might sound a lot like a meet-cute scenario from fanfictions that can be found all over the internet, but honestly, truthfully, it’s nothing like that. Taehyung was, is, his best friend, and nothing else.
At least, that’s what Seokjin thought.
For Taehyung, Seokjin knew for a fact that everywhere can be his playground. Especially big rooms with many things to look at, places filled with various knick knacks with swirling colors under bright lights, space as vast as his eyes can see.
It happens one Saturday.
See, for Seokjin and Taehyung, Saturdays are special for a reason. They host their monthly sleepovers that have been going on for as long as they can remember every Saturday. It’s a tribute–some kind of testimonial proof to how long they have known each other, how deep their bond goes. More than singing–shouting?–along the lyrics of Cardcaptor Sakura opening, more than two strangers that like the same thing growing up. And here inside a supermarket a few blocks away from Seokjin’s apartment, he watches Kim Taehyung, running around from aisle to aisle like a little kid, big eyes twinkling comically. There’s Eric Nam’s new arrangement of Perhaps Love playing from the overhead speakers, the supermarket bustling with activity.
Pushing the metal cart, Seokjin walks behind Taehyung who’s leading the way. But the younger boy is often gone without a trace before he realizes. Then Taehyung would reappear again, like a wild Pokemon, poking his head from a different aisle with a pout and a playful whine ( You’re so slow, Hyung), telling Seokjin to follow him. More often than not, regardless of the numerous times the same thing has happened whenever they shopped for groceries, still Seokjin finds himself smiling fondly at Taehyung’s effervescent self. The squeaks of Taehyung’s faded purple high tops reverberating as he jogs from one aisle to the other, and Seokjin feels endeared with the sound.
They’re planning to make japchae for dinner, simply because: a) it’s Taehyung’s favorite side dish; b) Taehyung has landed a new position in his office. And of course, what’s a better celebration food than Japchae? Well, maybe with an addition of half and half fried chicken, along with beers and Ghibli movie night.
—
So here’s Seokjin, pushing a cart filled with ingredients for food, a few packs of Nongshim Shin Ramyun, and one small pack of strawberries because a certain person named Taehyung throws him the puppy eyes with a slightly tilted head. What kind of person would Seokjin be, if he lets that boy down?
Hyung, you are so whipped , Seokjin can hear Yoongi’s voice in the back of his mind.
Oftentimes, at work, he rambles too much about Taehyung and his colleague Yoongi is the unfortunate listener. And just like the copious amount of instances he prattled about the bright-eyed boy, Yoongi would unfailingly remind him, in his trademark deadpan, to finally say the L word. Nonsense. Not in the mood to entertain throes, he shoos away the image of a tiny Yoongi with tiny red horns and bat wings perched on his shoulder. He continues following Taehyung, who’s showing keen interest towards the colorful packs of snacks sitting on the rack.
Seokjin smiles to himself, a little too adoring, before tutting gently, “Taehyung-ah, you’re pointing at everything.”
Taehyung turns his head to him, deep brown fluffy hair bouncing at his sudden movement. “Ung,” he nods, curls falling across his eyes, and Seokjin wants to reach and tuck them behind his ear, “I just like looking at them all. They’re pretty.”
He doesn’t get what’s so pretty about varieties of junk food stacked in tall racks, but this is Taehyung. And Taehyung always has his own way of seeing things. Right now, he’s pointing at Haitai-Calbee’s honey butter chips, disclosing to Seokjin a fun fact like it’s the most fascinating trivia. “This is my sister’s favorite!”
Then again, it’s Taehyung. And, most of the time, Seokjin lets him get away with everything.
“Do you want it?” Seokjin asks, pointing to the row of honey butter chips using his chin.
“Nah, you’re allergic. I don’t want to spend the whole weekend with you busy scratching your neck,” Taehyung answers, shaking his head slightly. From where he stands, he hesitantly eyes the snack, before leaving the spot. Seokjin chuckles, secretly reaching for the bag of chips,putting it in the cart.
See? Seokjin lets Taehyung get away with everything.
As they continue browsing the aisle, Taehyung asks, “Hyung, can we have candies?”
Prompted by the query, Seokjin looks at the row of tooth-rotting delicacies. And then, when his gaze finally flutters on Taehyung who, at the same time, turns to face him with a perfect smile on his face and big hands tucked in his cardigan’s pockets, he swears he can feel his heart swelling a little.
“Yeah,” is the only thing he can croak out.
Whipped, tiny Yoongi with horns and bat wings whispers to Seokjin’s left ear. He mentally vows the real Yoongi will taste sweet revenge on Monday for that imaginary ribbing.
Hey, it’s all in his head, but someone has to take the blame and it’s definitely not going to be him.
Before they can switch to the candy aisle, Taehyung stops in his tracks. This makes Seokjin stop too, in order to see what’s going on. It’s here that their grocery shopping becomes a hide-and-seek session with the grandmother of a five year old who got lost.
Apparently, the little girl whose tiny fists are clinging on Taehyung’s cardigan like a lifeline, has lost her parents inside the mart. She’s on the verge of tears, lips trembling and Taehyung, being the kind hearted person he is, crouches in front of her to show he’s not a threat. “Hi, there,” he greets her in a soft voice.
The little girl wearing a yellow dress blinked back tears.
“What’s your name?” Taehyung asks gently.
At first, there’s no answer. The little girl sniffles, her grip on Taehyung’s cardigan tightened, as if she’s gathering courage to answer. It takes her a few seconds to say in an adorable yet shaky voice, “H-Haeun.”
“Hi, Haeun-ah,” Taehyung smiles. He offers his hand. “I’m Taehyung.”
Haeun juts her lips in a small pout, eyes pooling beads of tears. She stares at the offered hand, eyeing the rainbow colored bracelet on his wrist, and, again, on Taehyung’s face. “T-Taeyoon?”
Taehyung doesn’t retract his hand, waiting for her to shake it. “Tae-hyung.”
Haeun pouts more, eyebrows furrowing as she tries to say the word right. “T-Taehyung…?”
“Woah,” he grins, nodding enthusiastically. “Aren’t you a smart one?”
This results to Haeun’s pout slowly melting in lieu of a very small smile. She takes Taehyung’s hand, little fingers clasping around three of his fingers.
As the by-standing witness of the wholesome interaction, Seokjin fails to moderate the rapid, overly enamored beat of his heart, for Taehyung. He doesn’t interrupt, looking around the aisle to check if there’s any wandering adult searching for a kid. Besides, Taehyung is handling the situation pretty well.
After the handshake, Taehyung pulls out a handkerchief. He shows it to Haeun first, asking for permission, “Let’s wipe your tears so the teardrop fairy can collect it later in exchange for a sweet dream.”
Haeun fully smiles at that. She nods. While Taehyung is wiping the corner of her eyes, she asks in a shy and fretful voice, “W-Will the teardrop fairy help me find Halmeoni, too?”
Ah, Seokjin thought to himself. He watches the two, discerning that what they have is, indeed, a lost child case.
“Yes,” Taehyung nods, flashing an unwavering smile. Then he leans closer, whispering a secret, “And guess what?”
Haeun sniffles. She blinks her wonder-filled eyes, intrigued with the secret Taehyung is about to unravel. She holds her breath, readying herself for the moment of truth.
“I’m the teardrop fairy’s assistant,” Taehyung reveals.
Haeun’s eyes widened in amazement. “Really?"
Seokjin bites back a chuckle. Teardrop fairy’s assistant? He imagines Taehyung in a crisp white shirt and slacks, files and papers in a plastic folder on his arms while following around a winged creature who collects teardrops for a living. Taehyung fits the image though, as a fairy. He’ll sport those glittery wings. Pretty.
Taehyung nods again. “And oppa is here to help you find Halmeoni.”
Haeun is no longer crying. Rather, she has a starstruck shine in her eyes. “Is that why you’re so pretty, oppa?”
Taehyung chuckles softly. “You bet,” he stands up with a low grunt, offering his hand once more to Haeun, “Let’s go find Halmeoni?”
Fully winning the little girl’s trust, Taehyung holds Haeun’s hand, fully engulfing it within his own. Here, they both turn to look at Seokjin, Taehyung taking full advantage of the power his trademark puppy eyes hold in an attempt to ask for permission. Hyung, can we help her first?
Seokjin’s stomach clenches with fondness towards his best friend. His eyes do the necessary talking for him. Of course, Taehyung-ah. So here they are, a group of three, walking around the supermarket like they’re looking for a treasure. Taehyung in front, holding the Haeun’s left hand gently, like if he holds the fingers a bit tighter than this, he will shatter them. This scenery is devastatingly domestic for Seokjin, and it tugs at his chest.
Is this what Taehyung looks like when he has a daughter?
Will Seokjin be there to witness it?
“It’s Seokjin-oppa,” Taehyung says to Haeun, breaking Seokjin from his trance. Taehyung’s eyes glint under the room light, and his cheekbones are prominent because he’s smiling so much. For years, Seokjin has had this inherent urge to caress his thumb across it, just because it looks so round and it makes him happy to see Taehyung smiling this way.
(No, Seokjin is not whipped. )
Seokjin holds back instead, and waves at Haeun, “Hi.”
The tiny hand waves back.
After Taehyung had introduced Seokjin to Haeun, she is now under the impression that Seokjin, too, is the teardrop fairy’s assistant, because of Taehyung’s teardrop fairy tidbit.
Taehyung merely shoots him an adorable boxy grin.
Seokjin, despite the splash of pink across his cheeks, tries hard not to fall too deeper than he already is.
During the small journey, Taehyung tells the girl who’s no longer teary eyed, “Haeun-ah, your dress is pretty. It reminds me of egg yolk.”
“I like egg yolks,” she replies with a small voice.
Taehyung widens his eyes, gasping loudly “Really? I love egg yolks too. Haeun-ah, are we best friends now? We both like the same thing.”
Seokjin jumps in, “Taehyung-ah? I thought I was your best friend?” He puts his hand on his chest for dramatic effect, and this prompts Taehyung to go into his role playing mode.
“You don’t like egg yolks as much as we do,” Taehyung rolls his eyes comically. “I like Haeun more now.”
Haeun giggles at their slight banter, “It’s okay, Oppa. Halmeoni is my best friend so you guys can be best friends now.”
Seokjin laughs and points at Taehyung, “HA!”
“Ouch, Haeun-ah, you sure you don’t want me as your best friend?” Taehyung’s pout is aimed at Haeun, who shakes her head while giggling.
Achingly domestic. This makes Seokjin kind of want to pull his hair.
Eventually, their short adventure comes to an end when they finally spot a woman in her late fifties at the candy aisle, the exact direction where they’re from, earlier.
“Halmeoni!” Haeun shrieks, letting go of Taehyung’s hand to run towards her grandmother. She hugs the woman’s leg as soon as she reaches her. In a muffled voice, Haeun exclaims, “Halmeoni, I miss you!”
After, Haeun’s Grandmother smiles, bowing at Seokjin and Taehyung, thanking them for helping her granddaughter. Which both of them decline by bowing lower, awkwardly saying that it’s nothing much. She bows again and it almost becomes a bowing battle if Haeun doesn’t tug at her grandmother’s pants to declare her hunger. As she pats Haeun’s hair, she looks at Seokjin and Taehyung from side to side, bowing slightly for the last time.
“Adeul-ah, thank you so much. Please enjoy the rest of your date.”
Seokjin’s brain short-circuited upon hearing this. He opens his mouth to correct the statement, but Haeun and her grandmother are already walking away. Seokjin spends too much time trying to comprehend the words, he guesses.
“Hyung, so we’re on a date now?” Taehyung teases, looping his arms with Seokjin’s.
And from this close, Seokjin can smell Taehyung’s strawberry shampoo. Heat creeps up into his neck, his face, his ears.
He wants to explode. Though if he actually does, is it possible for the supermarket staff to gather his ashes and scatter them in the sea? His Mom will be disappointed if she discovers her youngest’s last resting place was a supermarket in Seoul. It’s so uncool. But if breathing in Taehyung’s strawberry scented hair is the last thing he ever does, it kind of makes the process less mortifying. He smells really nice, after all.
(No, stop saying that W word. Taehyung just smells good and he’s like Seokjin's best friend.)
Taehyung spares him from his misery, though. He releases Seokjin’s arm and pats it, “Relax, I won’t bite.”
Seokjin gulps.
“Can we get candies now?”
—
The truth is, Seokjin used to have a tiny little crush at Taehyung years ago.
It’s just a small crush, the thing people have when they see someone so pretty they can’t help but want to hold hands with them. That kind of crush.
During the early stages of their friendship, Seokjin had thought that Taehyung’s eyelashes were pretty, and so was his hair. Back then, it made him kind of wonder if the tresses would feel soft under his fingers.
He also felt giddy whenever he got a text from Taehyung, and waited up late for a message as small as ‘ ㅋㅋㅋㅋㅋ ’ or a string of emojis that didn’t make sense. And unfailingly, his heart would thump loudly in his chest, fingers itching for a quick reply in hope for more talking.
Gradually, he stopped thinking he had a crush, because he thought it’s just him being excited to meet a new person. But Taehyung is a very attractive person. Then again, he’s also Taehyung, his friend, and he couldn’t think of him that way.
But he still does. He wonders from time to time. Wonder about Taehyung’s cheekbone, fluffy hair. The small mole on the tip of his nose that Seokjin wants to boop. Taehyung’s boyish grin, the curve of his eyes when he smiles wholeheartedly. His heart in his sleeves, out for the world to see that he has so much love to give. Taehyung–his friend Taehyung.
So it shouldn’t surprise Seokjin, as he watches Taehyung walk out from the candy aisle with arms full of packs of jellies and a boxy grin plastered on his face, that he feels something warm swirl in his stomach rising up to his chest. Like a scene straight out of a movie, a bizarrely abrupt dawning of realization happens in slow motion. Is this love?
“Hyung, I got your favorite jellies!”
Something blooms inside Seokjin’s chest, and after years, he considers the option to stop fighting. Maybe it is .
—
Now that Seokjin has acknowledged his crush, it makes things harder for him.
It heightens his senses in every way possible. He is already aware that Taehyung knows the passcode to his place and always punches the numbers first because Taehyung has less things on his hands (Kyochon chicken takeouts) than Seokjin (two bags of groceries). But now as he sees Taehyung’s long finger presses the buttons and the handle clicks open, Seokjin can’t help but think, this almost feels like coming home.
It’s absolutely not getting better while Seokjin cooks. Because while Seokjin is busy stirring the glass noodles, Taehyung opts to set the table, rummaging through his drawer for plates, chopsticks and spoons. When the younger catches the older staring, he wriggles his eyebrows, annoyingly, and mouths inaudibly, Jagiya . Seokjin is one hundred percent sure he turns into a tomato before he gets the chance to look away.
It’s even worse by the time Seokjin finishes cooking.
The food and drinks are spread on the table. Chickens in the middle, japchae on the side. Two bottles of Jinro soju and two cans of beer waiting to be opened. Taehyung looks delighted across from Seokjin, a smile never leaving his face like a permanent expression. Taehyung has downturned lips, Seokjin notices, but he often smiles so much Seokjin forgets how he looks when he's in his resting bitch face.
Taehyung puts a hand over his mouth, pretending to cry. “Ah, hyung. You really prepared all this for me. I’m so touched.”
Seokjin plays along. He fake-sobs, shaking his shoulders exaggeratingly. “Taehyung-ah, you have grown so much. My son of winter who went to war…”
Giggles and laughter light up the room as the sky behind the glass balcony door darkens.
They start eating after Seokjin congratulates Taehyung for his new position. It’s a graphic designer job for this jewelry brand he likes so much, and Seokjin thinks, maybe, one day, he can gift Taehyung one of the bracelets that he eyes often for his birthday.
Dinner time goes by fast. Seokjin tells Taehyung about his work colleague in the shape of Min Yoongi and Kim Namjoon, the duo that he never thought would get along but ended up caught dating last week. Taehyung reciprocates with the update of his college buddy, Park Jimin, who now is going to work alongside him in the jewelry company, and an update of their mutual friend, Jung Hoseok and Jeon Jungkook whom Taehyung ran into a few days ago at a coffee place. They talk about various subjects from friends to family to work to the latest chapter of One Piece, never in depletion of topics.
Taehyung glows brightly when he talks, and Seokjin thinks he deserves to be put among the stars.
Seokjin is in the middle of telling Taehyung about this amazing song about tuna he discovered on NAVER a month ago when Taehyung stops him abruptly.
“Hyung,” he says, and Seokjin stops in his tracks as Taehyung’s thumb reaches in slow motion, grazing the corner of his lips to wipe a bit of yangnyeom sauce. There’s warmth seeping into his skin as Taehyung presses his thumb to Seokjin’s skin, and his head spins though his body stiffens. He’s dumbstruck, rendered speechless even, like how they describe it in songs and books, as he watches Taehyung nonchalantly bring the thumb to his own mouth to lick–no, a bit of sucking too.
Seokjin’s brain stops working trying to process what just happened.
Did he just–?
“Yah–”
“It’s a waste,” Taehyung mutters like it’s no big deal.
Seokjin spends the rest of the meal trying to get rid of the phantom feel of Taehyung’s thumb on the corner of his lips. And still trying when they move to the couch to watch Ponyo for the nth time with a mixture of soju and beer in mismatched coffee mugs on each of their hands.
They watch Ponyo in silence. Well, Seokjin does. Because he can’t stop staring at Taehyung’s lips. How they suck on his own thumb right after it landed on Seokjin’s mouth.
Taehyung’s lips, Seokjin notices, are in a darker shade of pink. Perhaps it’s from his aversion towards vegetables, or his juul-ing phase that he had during college. Nevertheless, Taehyung’s lips are pretty, he thinks. There’s a mole on the bottom one, a small detail that seems more vivid than before. There’s an urge to thumb it, learning how it feels under his skin, its shape and its color and just capturing all the peculiarity of Taehyung in his memory. Taehyung wets his lips, puckering them as he continues to watch the screen like he hasn’t done any damage to the man sitting next to him. Seokjin wants to die a little.
The corners of Taehyung’s lips are naturally downturned, so he looks kinda scary when he isn’t smiling, like he’s always frowning and not approving what he sees. Like how he does now, but Taehyung’s eyes are wide and sparkly as he watches the scene where there’s a storm in Satsuke’s seaside town. As he gets more immersed to the scene, his long fingers are fiddling the hem of his cardigan, a gesture Taehyung grows to whenever he’s nervous. And how could a person like Taehyung, make someone feel scared like he isn’t made from a ball of warmth with a heart as tender as clouds?
Scooting closer, Taehyung rests his head on Seokjin’s shoulder, and there it is again–strawberry scented hair, a fragrance so familiar and ordinary yet now it smells so sweet, so intoxicating. Seokjin breathes into the smell as Taehyung uses his arm as a pillow to hug.
His senses are heightened now that Seokjin realizes that the thing that bloomed in his heart long ago was never gone. In fact, it has taken root in his chest.
His chest is pounding so hard right now, can Taehyung hear it? Can you hear my heart now? It won’t stop beating like war drums. I don’t know what it means but I know I like being close to you. Taehyung-ah, you smell so good. Can I keep it? Can I keep this forever?
Seokjin doesn’t realize he is staring until Taehyung pauses the movie and turns to him, looking slightly annoyed. “Okay, hyung, you’re being really distracting right now.”
As if pulled out of a trance, Seokjin blinks. Mouth gaping like a fish, not knowing which words to form in the back of his throat because Taehyung looks at him from under his eyelashes–long, pretty, eyelashes that caught Seokjin’s attention since day one, in the midst of people filled road in various costumes and buzzing words, sticking out like a sore thumb–and from here, from Seokjin’s eyes, it’s something that takes his breath and numbs his brain. He averts his gaze, from the mole on Taehyung’s waterline to the one on his cheek, then to the tip of his nose, and finally, on his lip.
What if I do? What if I do, like you more than I’ve ever known? Taehyung-ah, is it okay if I like you?
“Hyung, you look like you want to kiss me.”
The statement hangs in the air, and Seokjin feels his own heart beating faster. Louder. More than war drums, more than the beating of music he can hear from the bustling city. More than everything he has ever known during his whole life. Taehyung still stares at him, and Seokjin stares back, searching for any clue or any meaning behind his best friend’s eyes.
Can I?
Taehyung flutters his lashes, pink blossoming across his cheeks, and Seokjin blushes realizing he has voiced his thoughts out loud.
“Only if you want to.”
There’s a few beats of silence, his brain trying to figure out what to do next. He was caught red-handed, his heart throbbing furiously. He wants to stand up and run to his room and never come out for the rest of his life. Yet, looking at this beautiful boy next to him, his mind can’t stop thinking about the idea of a kiss, a touch, and there’s an ache inside him that demands to be tended.
What if we–?
“I want to,” he croaks at last. He tilts Taehyung’s chin to him, fingers trembling nervously because there are various questions running through his mind like a fast train on it’s tracks. Is it okay? We’re going to kiss? What happens after that? Do I smell okay? I haven’t kissed anyone since college, what if I’m a bad kisser? I like you so much, Taehyung-ah, do you like me too? And Seokjin is so, so afraid, terrified even. But he wants to, at least, for once, kiss his best friend Taehyung.
So he does–or precisely, Taehyung does.
Taehyung leans in first, pressing his lips to Seokjin’s, and there’s a wave crashing to Seokjin’s chest and making its way to his ribs. He thinks of tides, a faint memory from his trip to Jeju when he was a kid. Tides slowly pulls him in, just like how Taehyung does now, and surrenders himself in the process. He never knows that he has a person-shaped hole in his heart but now that it’s filled, he never felt more whole. He grazes his thumb across Taehyung’s cheek, thumbs his mole, feeling the plumpness of the skin. Skin to skin, heart to heart. Taehyung smiles between their kisses, and Seokjin feels like bursting into a million stars.
“Taehyung-ah,” he whispers after they both pull back, and he finds himself yearning for another kiss. He misses Taehyung so much, even when the person is right there in front of him.
“Do you have any idea how long I have wanted to do that?” Taehyung whispers. Wide eyes hazy with something that Seokjin cannot decipher, but it makes him want to plant a kiss on his eyelids.
He shivers, because he’s so overwhelmed with everything he has for Taehyung, his peculiarity in finding different ways to get away with everything, Taehyung’s habit to tilt his head when he wants something, and how he points at everything that moves and tell Seokjin happily, Hyung, look, like it’s one of the world wonders and it leaves him in awe no matter how mundane it is. What is it that Seokjin feels? What is this? Is this what they describe as, you know, love?
“We can do it again if you want,” Seokjin says, dumbly, because that’s what he wants. He yearns for Taehyung. He yearns and longs and he doesn’t know how to get out of this but he misses Taehyung in his arms, on his skin.
What he says, prompts Taehyung to laugh and slap his face, gently. “Hyung, you’re annoying.”
“I love you,” Seokjin blurts, mind in clouds though his heart is so heavy. He watches Taehyung’s eyes widen, tears up, and for a split second Seokjin thinks he has said the wrong thing. He mentally prepares for words of apologies, but Taehyung laughs and leans in again, to kiss Seokjin’s lips, and he wants to scream at the world.
“I thought you would never say it,” Taehyung answers after the kiss, resting his face on the crook of Seokjin’s neck. He takes Seokjin’s hand, finger makes a circling movement on the palm. Only after a few grazes, Seokjin realizes that Taehyung is drawing a heart on his palm.
Is this love?
“It is,” Taehyung replies, slipping his fingers between Seokjin’s. “I have loved you for a long time, Hyung. You just have had to know.”
And now that Taehyung says it, Seokjin feels like he’s being pulled with slow tides, gentle and warm, like coming home into a place where it fits.
“I know now.”
Taehyung smiles as Seokjin tucks the strand of his curls into the back of his ear, wearing a grin on his face as well.
“So are we going to continue to watch Ponyo rebels from her dad?” Seokjin asks. Taehyung shakes his head, still smiling. “Can we kiss instead?”
Seokjin leans in, and finds his answer.
Is this love?
It is.