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“Come on, honey,” Laurel spoke softly to her son, running her fingers through his shaggy hair. They were sitting on the floor just outside of a hospital room, Barley curled into his mother’s side, his head resting against her pregnant belly. It was a new form of comfort for Barley, getting as close to his little brother as he could. “Daddy’s waiting for you,” she told him.
“I know...” Barley mumbled, rubbing his little hand along his mother’s belly. The last time he saw his father, he was still at home, a smile on his face. As much as Barley liked to think his dad was okay then, even he could see the life slowly fading out of him. “Daddy’s really sick, isn’t he?”
Laurel sighed, feeling the tears stinging her eyes for what felt like the hundredth time that day. “He is,” she said, trying her best to keep the tears at bay, “and today is the day...we’ll have to say goodbye...”
“And when we say goodbye to Daddy, he won’t come home, will he?” Barley remembered, trying to get even closer to his baby brother.
“No, he won’t...” Laurel sniffled, raking her fingers through her son’s hair again in an attempt to soothe herself. “Are you ready to go in, Barley?”
Barley nodded, not saying a word. He hugged his mother’s belly as a last-ditch attempt to calm his nerves, preparing himself for the worst. He really was not prepared for what he saw when he stepped through the door of that dingy hospital room.
He clutched his mother’s hand tight as he froze just inside the doorway, staring at his father. At least, Barley was told that the figure underneath that scratchy blanket was his father. But that pale and frail frame, the curly hair that was missing in patches, what seemed like endless tubes connected to and coming out of him...that was not Barley’s dad. He was a man that was once bold and full of life, a smile always stretched on his face. But now he was cold and numb, struggling to keep himself present.
Barley swallowed hard as his eyes were glued to the hollow shell that was his dad. He couldn’t take Barley to the park anymore. There would be no more tickle fights with that goofy laugh of his, no more scratchy beard when he gave Barley a kiss. No more playing drums on his feet. Barley was trying his hardest not to cry, he told himself to be brave. He had to be brave, he had to say goodbye.
“Hey, buddy,” the pale man laced with tubes spoke as best as he could, trying his hardest to smile at his son. “Come here, Barley. It’s okay.”
Not only did his father not look like himself anymore, but he didn’t sound like himself either. Laurel encouraged Barley to walk over to his dad, but his feet were welded to the floor.
He was terrified.
“No...” Barley mumbled, his lip quivering as the tears cascaded from his eyes. “It’s not okay,” he cried. Even though his vision was blurry through his tears, he could make out the saddest expression on his dad’s faded face.
“Barley...” he tried again desperately, tears in his own eyes. “Barley, it’s Daddy...it’s okay, I’m still Daddy.”
Barley was still bolted to the tile, his knees starting to wobble. His tears were drowning him now, he couldn’t take it, he couldn’t breathe. He bolted out to the spot he sat with his mother before, ignoring the calls of the strange voice that came from his father. He curled into himself, sobbing as his little heart raced.
You have to say goodbye, a voice inside him said. You can’t be scared all the time.
It took the young boy a moment to compose himself, to remind himself to be brave. His dad taught him how to be brave...and now he had to say goodbye to his dad. He had to say goodbye to the man that taught him so many things.
He stood up and sniffled, wiping his tears with the back of his arm. He told himself he was ready, he was prepared now for what his dad looked like. He puffed out his chest and stepped through the doorway...only to find an empty room.
His dad was gone.
Forever.
And he never said goodbye.
Barley screamed for his father in that black void of a room, screamed countless apologies and the word goodbye. Over and over he screamed. He screamed until everything was gone. He screamed until he couldn’t hear himself anymore.
That’s when he woke up, trembling in his little toddler bed. It was at least the seventh time he’d had that nightmare--or a nightmare very similar to it--since his father’s passing. It had been weeks since he never got to say goodbye...long enough that his little brother was here now.
Barley took a moment to himself to breathe, feeling a tear race down his cheek. He clutched his favorite stuffed Unicorn tight to his chest, swishing its tail between his pudgy little fingers. He wanted to cry for his mother, but he didn’t want to wake his baby brother.
So instead he creeped up the stairs, taking a moment to peek into Ian’s nursery. Barley remembered when it was his room and he smiled a little, thinking about when he and his dad moved his things into the room downstairs. His dad was so silly before that day he was gone...
Ian wasn’t old enough yet to sleep in that room or Barley’s old crib, he was still sleeping in the bassinette in his mother’s room. That’s were Barley was headed now, to his mother’s room.
He opened the door as slowly as he could, trying to prevent it from squeaking on its hinges. He peeked his head inside, his Unicorn held under one arm, and his heart instantly swelled when he saw that little bassinette with his baby brother inside.
Barley tip-toed over to his sleeping brother, standing up on that tiny stool his mom had set beside it, purely for him to stand on so he could see Ian easier. He peered over the edge of the bassinette, smiling at his sleeping baby brother.
“Hi, Ian,” he whispered as softly as he could. He wanted to reach out and hold his brother’s hand, but he knew he shouldn’t touch him. The last thing Barley wanted to do was wake him up when he was sleeping so soundly. “I hope you’re havin’ good dreams.”
As Barley watched his baby brother sleep, he brought his Unicorn closer to his face, smooshing his nose into its mane. He stayed there, leaning over the bassinette, for a good ten minutes or so before his eyelids started to feel heavy again. He blew a kiss to Ian before he hopped off the stool, shuffling over to his mother’s bed.
“Mommy,” he whispered, in the same tone he spoke to Ian with. He realized that was probably too quiet to get his mother’s attention, so he spoke again, a little louder this time. “Mommy...” He was still getting no response, so he climbed up onto her bed, gently tapping her shoulder. “Mommy.”
“Mhm...” she let out a little groan, opening her eyes to see Barley. She immediately sat up, her expression that of worry. “Barley, honey, why are you up? Is something wrong?”
Barley nodded his head sheepishly, burying his nose in his Unicorn’s fur once again. “I had the bad dream again...” he mumbled, unable to meet his mother’s gaze. He could feel the tears brewing again, and it burned his eyes trying to keep them in.
“Oh, honey,” Laurel cooed, opening her arms which Barley collapsed right into. She pressed a kiss to the top of his head, rubbing his back in gentle circles. “It’s okay, Barley...you’re safe, you can cry...Mommy’s got you...”
After hearing those words, Barley let the tears spill. He cried and sniffled into his mother’s shoulder, shaking with the force of his sobs. He couldn’t stop thinking about that nightmare, about the day that spawned that nightmare. He couldn’t stop thinking about how much he missed his dad, about his guilt and regret of not being brave enough to say goodbye.
He never said goodbye, and even in his dreams, he still couldn’t work up the courage to do so.
“I wish I wasn’t scared...” Barley muttered between his sniffles and sobs. “Now Daddy’s gone, and I didn’t say goodbye...”
“Honey, Daddy knows you were scared, he understood,” Laurel promised her sobbing son, doing her best to not cry as well. “He knew he didn’t look like himself...he knows you love him, he knows that day was confusing and hard for you...I promise you, sweetie, he understands why you were scared.”
That calmed Barley down a little, but he was still crying, hard. “I miss him a lot...” he croaked out, snuggling as close to his mom as he could. “I’m upset that I didn’t say goodbye...”
“I know, Barley. I miss him too,” Laurel sniffled, pressing another kiss to the top of her toddler’s head. She couldn’t believe how strong he was through all that he’s dealt with at such a young age.
Silence filled the room, only broken with the sound of Barley’s occasional sniffles as his tears died down. Laurel rocked her son back and forth in her arms, a tear finally slipping loose from her own eyes as she felt Barley try to pull himself even closer to her.
“Can I sleep in here with you an’ Ian for the rest of the night?” Barley asked, so quietly, he was almost inaudible.
“Of course, sweetheart,” Laurel smiled, rubbing Barley’s back. “Let’s get under the covers, then.”
As Barley snuggled up in bed with his mother, he knew he was safe. He glanced back over to Ian’s bassinette, and he remembered he had a reason to smile. He may not have said goodbye to his dad, but he still had a loving family. And as he fell back asleep that night, he made a promise to himself, and to his father.
I promise I’ll never be scared ever again.