Work Text:
- - - - - -
To navigate a world
That turns, and never stops turning
Together in this world
That turns, and never stops turning
"I still can't believe you're dressed up for this."
Anna teased from the passenger seat, fixing the ruffles on her sleeves as she threw knowing smirks at Anne. Anne rolled her eyes at her as she pulled the car into a parking space a decent ways away from the manor. Even in the courtyard amongst the large, luxurious cars - some heavily decorated with carnations and ribbons like one would see on someone’s wedding ride - her little Skoda Citigo appeared unbelievably out of place.
Anne thought she was the only one that could ever stick out like a sore thumb. Good to know her car had that ability as well.
“Is this the place, Annie?” Her little cousin asked from the back seat. Her face was pressed against the window pane, trying to look out to the extensive courtyard all the way to the looming building up ahead. “It’s so huge!”
“This seems like a really over-the-top party, Anne.” Her other cousin said, sounding overwhelmed.
Anne turned and leaned forward to the back seats, looking apologetic. “Sorry, I told you what it’s like when I got you to help us with the dresses. We can turn back, if you need to, but-”
A tug at Anne’s arm interrupted her, and she looked to find Katherine looking up at her longingly.
“No Anne- I want to go! It looks like a castle, and we’re all already so pretty.” For good measure, the little girl attempted to do a curtsey while sitting, picking up her frilly pink dress and bending forwards, bumping her head against the front seat.
“Kit’s right. It’s alright, Anne. I’m sure I’ll be fine once we’re inside.”
Anne frowned, not wanting to put her cousin in a situation she wasn’t comfortable with. “If you’re sure-”
Anna bumped her shoulder, causing Anne to be interrupted for the second time that evening. “Jane and Kitty will be fine, Anne.” Anna said good-naturedly. “They’re tough, they’ll probably enjoy it the same way you did.”
Anna winked, and it took everything in Anne to not deck her then and there. The last time Anna dragged her out to a party, it was to an equally fancy one, though it was with absolutely zero warning and Anne had no idea what she was getting herself into. She’d arrived underdressed and unprepared, with poor etiquette to boot.
Anne had no idea why she was invited once again, with the freedom to bring guests as well. She’d conversed with one of the hosts during the event last time, the meeting later on followed up by several correspondences of text messages and one coffee-meet-up later. She was a stark difference to add to the occasion, a completely stray element.
Even now that she had made the effort to get a slightly as equally inordinate gown made to fit the excessive theme, she would still protrude from the crowd. The deep green streaks in her hair - a colour she chose specifically to match her eyes - would be far too noticeable even if she were able to appear slightly normal from the wealthy bunch.
But having her cousins Katherine and Jane with her this time, alongside Anna, at least she wouldn’t be alone.
- - - - - -
Against the weather
The wind grows colder
But they’re together
They hold each other
Catalina found Anne as easily as she did last time, even with Anne actually dressed for the occasion the second time round. Anne and her company had only just scuttled off to one corner of the room upon arrival, Jane and Katherine getting food from the buffet tables and Anna explaining to them what the ones that were far too exquisite to be recognizable were.
The hostess had approached them with a wide, beaming grin on her face, giving them a casual wave as she arrived. Katherine almost dropped her plate when she approached, squealing excitedly at the sight of a ‘real life princess’.
“Hello.” Catalina greeted warmly, kneeling down when Katherine ran up to her. “I’m Catalina Trastámara. What’s your name?”
“Katherine Howard.” The little girl piped up, stars in her eyes. For good measure, she pointed to Anne, Jane and Anna in turn. “That’s my cousin Annie, Janey and Annie’s best friend Anna.”
Jane nodded to her, suddenly feeling self-conscious in Catalina’s presence. Anne wasn’t any better, she’d started tucking away any loose strand of hair back and attempted to fix her braided bun as discreetly as possible. She was certain she’d looked a mess at that very moment - which was probably ridiculous, Anne stuck in an abnormal amount of pins in her hair just to make sure everything stayed in place throughout the night.
“Nice to meet you,” Catalina said, smiling at all of them. “How are you enjoying the party, Katherine?”
“It’s amazing.” Katherine tried to grab her hand, to which Catalina simply handed it out for her to take. She traced her fingers over the jewellery decorating the woman’s wrists, completely mesmerised. “You’re like a princess.”
Catalina seemed to like this idea. “Do you think I am one?”
“Yes!” The little girl linked her tiny fingers with Catalina’s and began swinging her hand around. “Like the ones in my storybooks. You’re so much prettier in real life!”
“Thank you, Katherine.” Catalina smiled sweetly at her, lightly ruffling Katherine’s bangs. “I know another princess you could meet, if you’d like. She’s about your age and she’s lonely. Would you be her friend?”
Katherine was already handing her plate over to Anne, jumping excitedly in place at the prospect of a new friend. Then, seeming to remember something, she looked to Anne with the large, begging eyes Anne could never say no to.
“Can I go, Annie? Can I meet another princess?”
Anne wondered if she should explain that being rich doesn’t make someone a princess - even though Catalina might as well be one. “Well, as long as you don’t go anywhere neither of us can’t see you. And make sure you eat something later, okay?”
“Okay!” Katherine tugged lightly at their hostess’ hand. “Thank you!”
Catalina promised to return as she turned and led Katherine away, though it looked more like Katherine was pulling her forward despite not knowing where she was going. Anne tugged at her sleeves as she watched their retreating figures.
“You shouldn’t have let her go.” Jane murmured, brows furrowed. “In a place this big, with all these people…”
Anne shrugged her concern away. “It’s fine, I trust Catalina.”
“You do, do you now?” Anna teased, holding a plate full of food she’d grabbed during the conversation. “You’ve met her exactly two times.”
“And we’ve texted plenty of times. She’s not a bad person.”
“If you trust her,” Jane conceded, still looking a little uneased, though that may just be due to their sumptuous surroundings.
Anna noticed this and waved a butler over, the man walking towards them in steady, calculated steps as he carried a tray full of towering wine glasses. He lowered it for them to take, Jane and Anna taking a glass each at the offer.
“Drink up, Jane.” Anna said in a light-hearted mocking tone. “You’ll stop being a party pooper after this.”
- - - - - -
They hold each other
No way of knowing
They’re all they have for shelter
And something inside them is growing
They long to stay together
But something inside them is growing
The company was rejoined by Catalina not long after. When asked where Katherine was, she simply pointed to two little girls chattering away at a distance, Katherine now leaning against a pillar as she laughed at whatever her new friend was saying. Her friend was in a much fancier gown than her, with her curly hair done in a complicated up-do and tipped with sparkles - something Anne never thought to be possible had she not seen it for herself.
Catalina greeted them properly this time, introducing herself to Jane and asking how the other two were doing. She seemed interested in their dresses - it was likely obvious the costumes weren’t made by a professional, Catalina’s trained eye would definitely notice that. Once revealed that they’d worked on all the gowns together, Catalina was so impressed that Jane’s anxiety vanished into thin air, all too excited to tell her about their progress and the project the cousins and Anna had together.
“That’s exciting.” Catalina commented genuinely. “I never thought I’d regret paying to get my clothing done by professional hands, yet here we are.”
“We could make something together sometime.” Jane offered confidently.
The hostess hummed, appearing to like the idea. “I might just take you up on that.”
As Anna munched away on a pastry, she waved a piece of food in the air. “Eat something, both of you. Especially you, Jane - you haven’t had anything since lunch.”
“Don’t speak with your mouth full.” Jane scolded her, nonetheless taking Katherine’s plate from Anne and feeding a bit of food into her mouth. Anna shrugged and kept stuffing her face with more food, beginning a tale about one bit of fruit covered-pastry in particular and how her homeland would have made it properly.
As the two conversed, Catalina got Anne’s attention. She looked Anne up and down, not appearing any less impressed than she did when speaking to Jane. Then, when she opened her mouth, Anne expected more compliments, perhaps comments on how she was dressed for the occasion this time, or how her dress matched so well with her dyed streaks and irises, it was simply breathtaking.
Instead, what came out was a light chuckle that made Anne wish she had the ability to melt. “Ah you remind me of a cabbage.” Catalina teased, handing her a glass of gleaming crimson liquid she’d snatched out of thin air. She seemed to know when a butler was about to pass at any given moment.
Anne grasped at her elbow, flushing in embarrassment. She’d chosen a pleasing shade of emerald for her gown, also for the purpose of matching it with her eyes. It made her self conscious suddenly - she’d walked out her apartment feeling completely confident in it, but now, she wished the ground would open up and swallow her whole. Somehow, it made her feel even more self conscious than the time she arrived in jeans.
Anne shook her arms subconsciously, causing her sleeves to drop down and fall snugly over her hands. Perhaps she just wanted to impress Catalina.
Catalina swirled the glass she was handing out in a way she always seemed to, still waiting for Anne to take it from her.
When Anne did, the hostess’ gaze was soft. “I was teasing.” She said, offering her arm. Anne balanced her glass carefully before linking her arm with Catalina’s. “You look absolutely radiant. Eres impresionante. Un hermoso repollo. ”
“What does that mean?” Anne asked, squinting at the sudden use of Spanish as she allowed herself to be led away.
Catalina smiled, the corners of her mouth twitching humorously. “You are the most beautiful cabbage.”
Anne scoffed good-naturedly. "I suppose all the green inspired you."
"You could say you inspired me." The woman said nonchalantly, seeming to lavish in the lovely shade of scarlet Anne's face was becoming.
"W-well I-" Anne stammered awkwardly, before remembering the drink in her hand. She wouldn't be expected to respond if she was drinking something, right?
She lifted the rims to her lips and took a long sip, pretending to mumble something as she did so as if it would hold up any means of conversation. Catalina didn't seem to mind, instead walking with her to another room in the manor. Anne had not been in any of the other rooms the last time she attended an event there, so this was a refreshing view of the place. She was led through a long corridor, one where multiple portraits graced the walls, reminiscent of an art museum. Several guests were there, admiring the paintings and seeming to recognize several of the people portrayed. They even passed by one of Catalina's, though the woman had no interest at stopping and overseeing her own painted photograph.
That was one thing Anne noticed about Catalina - she never seemed to ever be interested in talking about herself. Not unless Anne asked. To her mind, people in Catalina's status would be all too interested in indulging information about themselves, just to grasp at any and every semblance of a spotlight they could reach. Instead, Catalina only asked about Anne; wanting to know more about the life she lived, if she'd managed to beat her last high score in a recent video game, what she had for breakfast - it was the simple things she found fascinating.
As they strolled through the winding corridors, Catalina asked about the dresses and what it took to make them, to which Anne was only too happy to talk about. Sewing was a thing Anne wasn't unfamiliar with, though with more complicated and intricate designs, she would always rope in her cousin Jane for assistance. That was how Jane got interested in making one for herself as well, and it took one peek by their young cousin Katherine for the little one to want a part in it as well - to which Anne and Jane were only too happy to accomodate. As it was initially only a plan between Anne and Anna to dress up for Catalina's next event, it ended up with all four of them being ready for the gala. Jane and Katherine weren't originally meant to attend, they were making their own dresses simply for the fun of it - but after Anna went behind their back and asked Catalina, the other two were invited as well.
When Anne jumped into a tale of how they acquired the materials for it, Catalina listened with shining eyes. The decorative fabric with such intricate designs were purchased from a local fabric store, only bought once measurements for the exact amount they needed were confirmed. Anne of course got green, with the purpose of matching with her eyes, while Jane and Katherine chose grey and pink respectively, simply because those were their favourite colours. Anna went with her signature red. Acquiring the laces and trimming for their costumes were less as simple, but several internet searches later, the women evaluating prices and the time it would take for the items to get shipped, the rest of the required materials were received.
“The amount of effort you’ve put into it is amazing.” Catalina told her, looking utterly amazed. They’ve strolled through the same corridor several times by that point, with Anne doing most of the talking once Catalina got her started. She would’ve apologised for not giving Catalina a chance to put a word in edgewise about anything else, but the woman didn’t seem to mind.
Anne shook her head humbly. “I couldn’t have done it without everyone else's help.”
This didn’t seem to sway her hostess. “That’s the beauty of it, don’t you think?” Catalina insisted. “That just means a lot more love and care were put into it.”
Pride blossomed in Anne's chest at that. She was definitely extremely fond of her cousins and the amazing things they were capable of together. “Thank you. What about you, how did you get yours done?”
Catalina vaguely gestured ahead of her as they walked. “Nothing impressive, really. Not as impressive as yours. I got people to take my measurements and they took it from there. I just gained a dress by the end of it.”
“Maybe more reason for you to take it up with Jane, then.” Anne ventured. They stopped walking, Catalina looking at her contemplatively. “You get to feel the accomplishment of getting something done by yourself-”
She paused, realising what she might’ve implied. Anne pulled her arms away and covered her mouth. “Sorry! I didn’t mean it to sound so condescending! Of course you’ve done many amazing things by yourself, I wasn’t thinking-”
Anne faced Catalina, the woman’s face expressionless as she watched Anne’s little freak out. “That was so stupid of me, you’re wonderful, with all that you do to raise funds for organisations that need it, and it’s all so extravagant and great and you still invite me even though I’m me,” She groaned, grasping the sides of her head, “I’m such an idiot.”
“Anne, you’re not an idiot. I know you didn’t mean it that way at all.” Catalina reached out to grasp Anne’s hands in hers, the soft touch of Catalina’s well cared palms comforting. A faint blush dusted her cheeks as she beamed warmly, “Thank you for saying that. You’re amazing too.”
Wrapping her fingers around Catalina’s hands, Anne nodded, a mixed myriad of emotions filling her chest. She was about to say something when she heard a sharp intake of breath from the hostess.
Catalina gasped, eyes widened. Her pupils shrunk into pinpricks, and all the colour drained from her face.
Anne’s gaze flicked to where Catalina was looking, instantly cursing under her breath at the sight of her exposed arm. Her sleeves had fallen down to her elbows when she held her hands up to her face, not pulled back up when Catalina held her hands. Several long lines made its way all the way from her wrist to the inside of her elbow; some of the scars had faded to thin white lines, the others slightly raised against her skin. It was clear that they’ve since healed, but it did not take away from the fact that they were there.
She’d internally beat herself up for her carelessness. Anne had been so careful to have the sleeves covering her arms at all times, though the ruffled ends to her sleeves proved to be a challenge. They were constantly sliding down her arm whenever she raised her hand, and Anne didn’t think there would be a long enough slip up for anyone to notice.
Of course, Catalina, as observant as ever, would notice.
“Anne, what are these?” The woman muttered softly, cradling both her hands carefully as if they may break.
“It’s nothing, just some old scratches.” Anne said quickly, having half a mind to pull away but Catalina was so gentle it was difficult to do so.
Suddenly, a flash of- something unrecognisable went across Catalina’s eyes, and her face turned stony. “Anne, who’s hurting you?”
“No one!” This time, Anne actually pulled away, a little too harshly.
Catalina’s hands hovered in the space between them, her expression desperate. “Anne-”
“Look, no need to fuss over me. I’m fine .” She couldn’t help snapping. An undercurrent of defence was washing over her, and all her mind seemed capable of doing was to scream and run .
“Then how do you explain this? Who’s hurting you?” Catalina insisted, her voice a touch pleading. She gestured shakily to Anne’s sides.
“ No one , I live alone!”
How could she assume that far? Catalina didn’t even know her. She shouldn’t be intruding on something so personal. They had only ever met twice in person before this, Anne wasn’t even sure if they’d crossed the path into friendship yet. They were merely strangers that hit it off, simply acquaintances at best.
Anna was her best friend, not Catalina. Catalina doesn’t know anything about her. They were only tied through Anna. How dare she intrude into something so personal in Anne’s life?
That odd flash came across Catalina’s face again. Anne could almost put a finger on it this time. Anger? Concern? Something between the lines. “Tell me so I can help-”
“This is none of your business!” Anne snapped, taking a few steps back. Catalina watched her, unmoving, before looking over her shoulder and stiffening.
“People are staring.” She said cautiously, seeming to reach out to Anne, presumably to guide her away somewhere private.
But Anne was not interested. Her flight mode turned on the moment Catalina dared suggest that she was hurt, even if her supposition was not entirely inaccurate.
“Then maybe I should just go!” She practically cried out, forgetting about the costume she was in and effectively tripping on the immense skirt for a gown she wore as she backed up a little too fast. She fell backwards, knocking her elbow against a vase, effectively bringing it down with her. It toppled and rolled to the side. Anne herself lay there for a moment before sitting up instantly once she saw Catalina move into her line of view.
Catalina, mesmerising as always in her sparkling jewels and carefully trimmed curls. She’d seen Catalina without makeup once before, in casual clothes that probably cost more than Anne’s entire wardrobe. How odd she felt in Catalina’s presence even then, without all the extravagance surrounding them. No matter how hard Anne tried, she was still an out of place spectacle. She didn’t belong amidst all the high society, even with the effort she’d put in to fit in.
Even in a normal daily setting, she found herself to be strange. She never truly belonged anywhere. That was likely why she only ever had one friend. But perhaps, Anna had only ever put up with her. Dealt with her in ways that were wasting Anna’s time. Because Anne was an oddity anywhere and everywhere she went.
Why would someone like Catalina pay her any mind?
“Don’t.” She said, slapping away the hand held out to her. “Back off .”
Catalina seemed to be holding back her words, biting her lip as she watched, agonisingly so, at the sight of Anne stumbling to her feet.
Later, Anne would understand that Catalina’s reactions were simply out of care, worry - fear . To be attacked by an onslaught of emotions upon realising something was terribly, horribly wrong. No one would have been able to act rationally, least of all Catalina, the woman she had grown to be so close with in the past few months. The person that cared and held a love for everything with all her heart.
She would understand this, and Catalina would understand her immediate reaction to put on a defensive stance, but at the time all she could do was push past the growing mob of spectators as they whispered loudly amongst themselves. She could faintly hear Catalina call after her, later little Katherine’s scared voice, Jane’s angered one and Anna’s concerned callouts of her name.
But most of all she could hear the loud pounding of her heartbeat in her ears, alongside piercing hushed noises of her mind’s voice, a sound she hadn’t heard in a long time.
- - - - - -
Both of you know
It’s your time to grow
To fall apart, to reunite
Wonders await you
Anne found herself in a place she didn’t recognize. Of course she didn’t - the place was huge. By the time she ran out, Anne was barely able to recognize her surroundings in the dead of night. Fairy lights were strung across the trees in the courtyard, but even in broad daylight she was certain everything looked the same.
Not wishing to get lost in the gardens that may as well be a hedge maze, Anne strolled to the side of the manor where lights still shone from the inside, settling at the space underneath a window where she was well hidden from view. She thought, belatedly, of her cousins and Anna. She couldn’t even leave - she was their ride. She couldn’t just abandon them, not without having to explain the cause of the scene.
If she were to leave them in a taxi, she’d have to give her keys to Jane, and that would require an explanation she was not ready to give. If she drove away and left them to their own resources, she’d feel bad for that till the end of time. Even worse, they may never forgive her. She couldn’t do that to three of the most important people in her life.
Anne did the next best thing; she cried. She couldn’t remember the last time she ever did, Anne was not a crier. Instead, she shuts down and has thoughts that drive her slightly erratic in her behaviour. Intrusive thoughts caused her so much pain it was often all too difficult to process everything at once.
Things had been getting so well lately for her, and the fact that all it took for all the progress to unravel was Catalina seeing how flawed she truly was - it made Anne contemplate over whether or not she ever wanted to exist in the woman’s life in the first place. She’d always be broken, that felt like the only state she’d ever be in.
As she cried, Anne had a moment to be grateful she chose to put on green makeup. The colour blended in well when she pulled her knees up and cried into her gown, causing the cosmetics to mix with her tears and soak into a dark shade of green against the fabric.
Green - the colour of growth, reminding her constantly of how precious life truly was.
Un hermoso repollo , Catalina had called her - without realising how special it sounded to her ears. Now Anne wouldn’t get to hear it again, having ruined any semblance of a relationship they could have had by being herself . That was often how Anne always ruined things.
“Anne?” A familiar little voice called. Anne heard it a few more times before being able to connect the voice to the owner.
She looked up to the silhouette of a little girl walking past her with both hands cupped over her mouth. The child’s ponytail swished around behind her, and Anne quickly dried her tears before calling out a response.
“Kitty.” She rasped, hoping her voice was loud enough to carry across to her cousin. “I’m here, ma chérie.”
Katherine stopped and turned, immediately barrelling towards Anne once she’d spotted her hidden in the shadows. Anne caught her in her arms, holding Katherine close to her chest as the child settled on her lap. Katherine threw her arms around Anne’s neck and hugged her tight, as if afraid Anne would disappear if she were to let go.
“Ma petit chaton.” Anne murmured against her little cousin’s hairline, pressing a trembling kiss to the roots of Katherine's hair.
Katherine tightened her hold. “Why did you run? Are you okay?”
“I’m fine, Kit.” Anne whispered hoarsely. “I just needed a moment.”
Before Katherine could respond, someone appeared from where she’d came from, emerging in front of Anne with a relieved smile on her face. It was the little girl from earlier. Up close, Anne could see that she was in an excessively frilly blue gown, worn with about the same amount of jewellery as Catalina did. She looked to be about Katherine’s age, but the solemn expression she wore seemed to suggest otherwise.
Anna emerged behind her long not after, seeming to have been following the girls.
“Anne,” Anna sighed in relief. She knelt down beside Anne and placed a hand over her shoulder. “Are you alright?”
“I’m fine.” Anne choked out. It was easy to lie to Katherine, but her best friend was another matter. Anna had always been able to see through her.
Anna looked at her sympathetically. “You’re not.” She said, lowering herself into a seated position beside Anne. “Lina told me what happened.”
“She did?” Anne swallowed thickly. “So did you-”
“No, it wasn’t my place to say.” Anna steepled her hands together and leaned a cheek against them, head facing Anne. “Jane is livid though. She thought Lina did something to hurt you, but then when Lina told her what she saw, she knew immediately what it was.”
Anne chuckled bitterly. “So now she’s mad for a different reason?”
“Yeah.” Her best friend confirmed. “She’s mad for a different reason now. You really never told your family, huh?”
“Told us what, Annie?” Katherine asked, looking up at Anne.
Anne sucked in a breath and hugged her tight. This wasn’t something she could explain to someone in primary school.
“I’ll tell you one day, chaton.”
“But-”
“One day.” Anne muttered into her cousin’s hair. “I promise.”
Whether or not Katherine was satisfied with that response, she didn’t say. She was just content to stay in Anne’s arms.
“We’ll have to get back soon.” Anna said, giving Anne a consoling look. “Lina and Jane are looking for you.”
Anne closed her eyes, the pained expression on her face apparent. “I would like to just go home.”
Anna seemed to accept this. “Do you want to see Lina before we do?”
We , she’d said. Anne wasn’t alone, nor was Anna about to let her be so.
“Would she even want to see me after all that commotion?” Anne groaned. “I ruined it. I ruined Catalina’s reputation. I made a scene and who knows what I looked like to them.”
“You didn’t ruin anything.” Anna assured her. “Plus, all the people here care too much about their own image to bother taking down yours.”
Anna squeezed Anne’s shoulder comfortingly, brushing the small bits of hair out of her face when Anne turned to peer at her. Miraculously, her updo was still intact. The numerous pins they’d stuck in did serve their purpose after all.
“I think she really wants to be your friend, Anne. Be your brave self and give it a chance.”
- - - - - -
And so afraid of change
In a world that never stops changing
So let the walls come down
The world will never stop changing
It took a moment to pry Katherine off Anne. She did not want to leave her favourite elder cousin, but when promised the prospect of being able to spend more time with her new friend before they needed to leave, Katherine reluctantly left Anne to themself.
Cathy - the name of the girl that stood by and watched as Anna spoke to Anne - slipped her hand into Katherine's when they left to return to the manor, doing a good job reassuring Katherine that everything would be fine. She indulged Katherine with a tale about the most recent book she'd read to distract her from the distraught cousin. Anne watched and listened as they left and faded away into the night, wishing she was in a better state to go with them and face the crowd.
"So how do you want to go about this?" Anna asked her, taking her hand similarly to the way Cathy did with Katherine. Anne didn't realise she'd been sweating until her moist palms connected with Anna's warm and comforting hold.
Anne leaned her head against Anna's shoulder. "Well I can't go inside. Not yet."
"How about getting Lina here instead?" Anna suggested, squeezing Anne's hand lightly when the woman let out a sharp intake of breath at the suggestion.
"I guess that could work." Anne said under her breath, seeming to struggle with accepting that fact.
"I'll go get her?"
It sounded like a question. Anne could still say no, even after the discussion they had, and Anna would accept it. Anna might be a little disappointed in her, and she may even regret that decision later, so she wasn't sure no would even be the right answer. It was an option, certainly - Anna had laid it out for her.
A large part of Anne really did want to befriend the person she'd discovered Catalina to be. How she'd undermine Catalina in many ways as her assumptions towards high society often did. It wasn't fair to Catalina, of course - she was simply born into that life and was only looking to make the best out of it by making the most out of her resources. She was like a superhero, if Anne thought about it more - she helped people, more than Anne could ever dream of doing. Anne didn't have the same status and wealth she did, nor did Anne have the influence.
Catalina was drawn to her the moment they met, and Anne had been as well. If she chickened out now it would likely end there. Catalina might stop inviting her, Anna would have to attend any more extravagant parties on her own - she doubted Anna minded this - but if Anna was truthful in her words, she always liked having Anne's company.
Knowing Anna, she would still be friends with both Catalina and Anne with no issue. Having them connected to each other as friends as well was simply a bonus. The only loss in it was Catalina and Anne's friendship, or whatever it was they were forming. It was fragile at best, Anne wasn't able to recognize what it truly was. There was still much she had yet to learn about Catalina.
Ay, mariposas
Don’t you hold on too tight
Both of you know
It’s your time to go
To fly apart, to reunite
"Yeah, go get her."
Anna squeezed her hand one last time before letting go. When she stood up to leave, she turned back on Anne and pulled her into a hug. It took everything in Anne to swallow back her tears right then and there, and was able to present Anna with a smile when her best friend let go and left her alone once again.
It wasn't a long wait. Once Anna left, she presumably had told Catalina where Anne was and the woman immediately came sprinting. She could've been waiting for news too when Cathy and Katherine returned, and had been waiting by the entrance until she was allowed to go to her.
Anne wasn't sure she even wanted to think about what Jane was doing. Each of the cousins seemed to have genetically inherited a temper that could scare off bulls. She was willing to bet Jane was simply waiting for a chance to pry answers out of Anne. It was no doubt that Jane would be upset to receive the news from a different source instead of Anne herself.
In Catalina's presence, Anne felt small. She shrunk in on herself, suddenly feeling seething rage at the fact that Catalina dared look at her again after having the audacity to assume Anne was hurt because someone was hurting her, for assuming that Catalina had the power to easily stop it.
She wasn't wrong, of course. Someone definitely did hurt Anne, and the fact itself probably wouldn't have hurt so much if the person hurting her wasn't Anne herself.
Muted clacking of heels across the grass became louder as it arrived. It drowned out all the noise in her head, and Anne wasn't sure which she hated more.
"Shut up." Anne spat out when the footsteps stopped a little ways near her, Anne fisting her shaking hands into her dress as she sat in the small shell of a person she was making herself out to be.
Catalina's sombre voice was like a sharp knife slicing through the cold air. "I didn't say anything."
"I don't care." She responded, voice cracking. A part of her felt guilty for acting unkind, for feeling. "Just… shut up."
"Okay."
There was rustling as Catalina sat on the ground a few feet away. Even in the silence, she imagined the golden brown eyes in her mind, staring straight into her soul. She wondered if Catalina was able to read her like the open book Anna always claimed she was unable to be. Anne wasn't too easy to read, even when she felt that she was wearing her feelings on an article of clothing.
She tucked her face in between her knees, avoiding looking to Catalina for as much as she could.
Then, muffled by the fabric, "I'm sorry."
She didn't know what she expected - probably surprise, or for Catalina to accept her apology and start a whole scene again, perhaps belittle her for not letting her help.
"It's not your fault." The woman said softly, some distance away. Anne realised she didn't actually know how further away Catalina was.
"I'm sorry, I yelled at you, and ran out on you-"
"It's not your fault, okay?" Catalina repeated. "I promise."
"Then whose was it?"
A pause.
"I don't know, but it's not yours." There was a small window of silence before Catalina spoke again, "Probably mine."
Anne uncurled to present Catalina with a look of disbelief. Catalina was seated on the grass instead of the pavement Anne was at, about five feet away from her. A good distance that she wouldn't have enough time to grab her if she were ever to run again. She was keenly aware of the moss coloured tracks that had worked its way down her cheeks when she cried, now dried and itchy. Anne didn't have the strength to care anymore.
"How is it your fault?"
Catalina's answer was instantaneous. "It just wasn't my business. You were right, and I should've listened. I'm sorry."
Anne closed her eyes at the burn of tears threatening to break through.
"What do you want from me?" She questioned.
"I-" Catalina took a moment to collect her thoughts, and Anne heard the sound of her pulling a few grasses out. "You don't have to explain yourself to me. But please," A harsh snap of a piece of grass being tugged in half filled the gap, " -please if it's possible, tell me how I can help."
"Why do you want to? I'm just a waste of time." Anne whispered, unsure if it was loud enough for Catalina to hear her.
She imagined Catalina shaking her head. She probably wasn't wrong. "You're not. You're never a waste of time, Anne. Every moment I've spent with you is precious. If I treasured every second, and looked back at them fondly, how could it be a waste of time?"
She was always so blunt, it was difficult to not believe Catalina. Yet a part of her, albeit a small inkling of doubt, told her Catalina was lying.
Confiding in Catalina felt like a leap and a dive at the same time. Like she was someone so far away, so much she had yet to get to know, and yet she was certain that if she were to fall, Catalina would be ready to catch her.
Besides, Catalina had already seen her scars. Better to provide her with the answers now of a concept so foreign to her sheltered mind. Maybe she may think less of Anne - but somehow, Anne doubted she ever belonged on any type of high-ground level to begin with. She belonged in a far lower space, perhaps a hole, while Catalina was like a goddess placed high up on a pedestal.
If Catalina decided to walk away, that was fine. Anne was simply a lucky little nobody that was noticed by a somebody.
"You were right to assume." Anne said, sitting up and leaning against the building as she stared straight ahead. "When you asked who hurt me. But what you didn't know was that it was me."
The same intake of breath from what felt like hours ago was her response. "You… hurt yourself? But why?"
More snapping of grass disrupted the silence, the sound growing harsher as the quiet lingered. Anne clutched her skirt desperately to not lose herself in the overwhelming undercurrent of emotions.
"I know it's terrible, I know it's not right, but it's just difficult to shake out of it." Anne inhaled shakily, "I convinced myself that it's… good. That I deserved it - like I am so flawed that I deserved it as a punishment for being me."
She looked up at the stars, realising for the first time how the moon was whole that night. "I got help when I needed it most. I worked my way to be better. I needed to be better. Being solely depressed wasn't the way I wanted to live. I didn't want to keep living with thoughts that weren't mine, telling me to do things that harmed me and everyone that cared." She hugged herself tight, pushing past her haggard breathing as she desperately tried not to lose herself in the plaguing void of her mind. "I was not living. These scars - old scars - are proof that I am now."
When Anne turned to finally look at Catalina directly, the woman seemed to be beside herself. Even from the space they had in between then, Anne was able to see tears in Catalina’s eyes. Anne never considered her to be the sensitive one,- not that Anne was much of a crier by any means, it took her a lot to cry - but she never expected Catalina to be the one with so many emotions.
"You don't deserve that pain, Anne." Catalina said, voice surprisingly steady despite the wave of emotions she was likely feeling.
She found herself smiling despite herself. "I know."
Surprising even herself, Anne rolled up both her sleeves and reached out to Catalina in a silent offer. The woman clapped her hands free of grass before inching forward, accepting Anne's arms and holding her by the elbow as Anne wrapped her fingers around Catalina's upper arms. They held each other that way, silent tears slipping down Catalina's well defined jaw and dripping off her chin. Unlike with Anne, her makeup stayed on. It didn't surprise Anne that she would use the waterproof kind, because of course she would .
Anne was reminded of Anna when she first told her best friend. It was so long ago, starting as a horribly bad day that wouldn't have ended well had Anne not impulsively called her best friend and informed her of the irreversible deed she was about to do. Anna was understandably distraught, arriving at Anne's apartment only minutes later to protect her from herself. They talked, got rid of anything incriminating and unsafe to Anne herself, with Anna spending the night and making Anne promise to call her anytime she needed to. It was a long road from there, with many bumps along the way. But healing wasn't meant to be easy, it was a challenge, and Anne was nothing if not a force to be reckoned with. She had gotten far, and she had healed scars with no new ones added in quite a while.
Some days, she found her scars beautiful as they held the proof of the times she'd overcome her demons. Other days, she hated them- solely for the fact that they reminded her of the ugly thoughts she used to have all too often. Even when they were scarce now, Anne still had bad days.
Bad days are what made you stronger, she would say. Just another bump - a mountain to overcome.
Catalina just seemed like another person all too prepared to lend a hand.
"What can I do?" Catalina asked, rubbing circles into Anne's elbow. Her tears slowed once she focused on Anne, appearing as if she was physically trying her best to push them back. Anne pointedly avoided looking at her, lest she’d started crying again. The last thing she wanted was to break down in front of Catalina.
Just let the walls come down
Don’t look behind you
"I don't know." Anne said honestly. She never truly did. Anna didn't either, but they took every challenge hauled at them fearlessly. "There's something Anna and I would do sometimes, though."
"Yeah?"
"Mmhm." Anne pulled one arm back in favour of holding one of Catalina's hands in both of hers. "It's called the butterfly project. But we do it differently, Anna and me. Whenever I felt the need to-" Anne squeezed her eyes shut tight at an old memory, her emerald irises glassy once she reopened them, "-the urges, I would let Anna know, and we'd each draw a butterfly."
Anne traced the shape of a butterfly on Catalina's wrist with her finger. "I would let Anna name them, and she'd give them silly names like Mickey and Minnie or Salt and Sugar or Batman and Robin or Pasta and Baguette."
"Those are excellent names." Catalina murmured seriously, a hint of a smile dancing on her lips.
"Yeah. My favourite was C3PO and R2D2." Anne allowed her lips to curve slightly. They were often good memories, despite the dark days the memories originated from. "My task was to keep them alive for as long as I can, and they will, as long as I don't give in. For however long it takes for them to fade, to fly away, they will live if I don't…"
She looked down at her own wrists, wondering if Catalina had the same thoughts as her at that very moment. The woman cautiously moved her arm to touch Anne's wrist, carefully tracing down her scars one at a time. Anne didn't flinch away, no matter how much she wanted to - Catalina's touches were feather-light, careful and gentle. Her fingers were warm against Anne's clammy skin.
"I have a lot of butterflies that lived and flew away." Anne informed her. "So much more."
Catalina's expression was unreadable at that, seeming more thoughtful than expressive. “That is beautiful.” She admired. “I too have something to share, if you would let me.”
Anne nodded, focusing on the feeling of Catalina’s fingers on her arm.
"Butterflies hold meaning in Spanish culture." She recounted. “In Mexico, monarchs represent the souls of their ancestors returning to visit them for Día de Muertos. Others say they were the souls of fallen warriors.”
After she said that, Catalina slowly lifted Anne’s hand, lightly pecking the back of her hand before brushing her lips against her wrist where Catalina was able to feel the steady thrum of Anne’s pulse. It lightly tickled a raised scar there, Anne almost jumping at the unexpected contact.
“Some have darker meanings.” Catalina resumed, speaking against Anne’s skin, seeming completely unaware of the rising heat Anne was feeling. She was quite absorbed in her tale. “In Columbia; moths, or dark butterflies, in homes indicate that someone close to the family will pass away.”
Anne felt a lump form in her throat. “Why are you telling me this?”
“Because,” Catalina related, sitting up to stare intently into Anne’s emerald gaze. “There is light in every gloomy corner. Just as there are butterflies that hold dark symbolisations, there are also ones that bring joy.”
“What are those?” She asked, linking her fingers with Catalina’s. This prompted Catalina to bring their connected hands to her lips, kissing Anne’s pale knuckles tenderly.
“Yellow butterflies. They bring hope - amidst any uncertainty.” She cherished. “It is why yellow became my preferred colour. Life is full of uncertainties, doubts and pains. Some we don’t recognize until it’s there. Some we don’t understand until it is explained or felt, if ever. It is happiness and hope. A joy to bring fourth everywhere.”
“It suits you.” Anne found herself whispering. Catalina smiled at that, moving their hands to her chest, holding Anne as close to her heart as she dared.
Catalina’s form glowed under the moonlight, her golden eyes and dress as bright as buttercups shone a luminescent light to Anne’s eyes. All of Anne’s worries melted away - maybe due to the orb of sunlight Catalina was making herself out to be, Anne wasn’t sure. Or perhaps moonlight suited Catalina better; she was the light in the dark.
“I will be here for you, in hopes that one day you shall be the most happy .”
Fly till you find
Your way toward tomorrow
- - - - - -