Work Text:
Jinki had always wondered what emotions would look like in a physical form. He found that sometimes, it was simply just too hard to put into words what he felt and explaining what he thinks his feelings physically looked like had helped him get his point across instead. It helped him a lot when he was younger and eventually, it just became a habit he couldn’t grow out of.
Most emotions were pretty easy to describe. Disgust, anger, fear, joy, excitement. They were all feelings you could experience as part of your everyday life, and Jinki had no trouble describing those emotions.
Two of the hardest feelings for Jinki to describe were love and heartbreak.
Jinki first fell in love when he was in college. One of his professors during his third year gave out a project that needed to be done by pair. He didn't really know anyone in his class, but luckily, a guy named Minho approached him and asked to be his partner. They hit it off right away and had spent quite a lot of time with each other. When they had submitted their project, Minho had asked him out on a date, saying he wanted to get coffee with Jinki without having to worry about a paper they needed to write and Jinki had said yes immediately, and that was how it all started between them.
It took quite a while, but Jinki thought his time with Minho finally helped him figure out what love looked like.
Jinki had figured that love looked like the hoodie he had received from Minho as a gift that one Valentine’s Day, the couch Minho had picked out for the apartment they moved into after graduation, and the flowers Minho had delivered to his workplace that one day after they had a big fight. Love mainly looked like all the little gifts Minho would give him on his birthday and on their anniversaries.
For a while, Jinki was happy he found someone that helped him figure out how to describe love's physical form.
And then came the heartbreak.
Heartbreak wasn’t exactly something Jinki had felt before. It had always just been the little things that didn’t really matter much, like when his favorite series got taken off of Netflix, or when his old roommate, Jonghyun, would ditch their movie nights to go on a date. Heartbreak had simply just looked like the empty box of donuts left inside the refrigerator, the morning after Jinki had specifically told Jonghyun that he was saving the last donut for his breakfast that day.
Until things started falling apart between him and Minho. Then heartbreak started to look like the unanswered calls, the unread messages, the cold food and the empty seat in front of Jinki when they were supposed to have dinner together at home for their fourth anniversary.
Jinki wanted to believe that it was all just in his head, that Minho was just busy and stressed with work. Minho was still coming home to him after all, and that was enough for him to try and ignore all the little heartbreaks he had been seeing.
The worst of the heartbreak came when Minho told him that he wanted to end things between them over dinner, just a few weeks after their anniversary. Jinki thought that he’d be used to the heartbreak already, seeing it all the time, but it hit him bad and it hit him hard when the man he loved for the past four years was suddenly telling him he didn’t want this anymore.
Jinki had been silent for the rest of the night. He definitely saw it coming and he honestly couldn’t tell if that made the pain worse. After dinner, Minho had told him that he’d be staying over at a friend’s place in the meantime and that he’d come back in the next few days to pack up his things.
The day after that night, Jinki woke up to the sight of heartbreak in the form of the empty side of the bed. And then about a week later, heartbreak started to look like the big space in the drawer where Minho used to keep his clothes and the packed up boxes in the living room, all containing Minho’s belongings.
And heartbreak, at its absolute worst, looked a lot like the door slammed shut after Jinki had shamelessly begged Minho, for one last time, to stay, to give him just one more chance, but all Minho had said was "I’m really sorry but it's over, Jinki. I don't love you anymore."
Everything Jinki had thought about what love looked like was crushed to bits. and he thought that maybe, nothing could ever really physically describe what love really was.
—
After Minho left him, Jinki spent about three more months in the apartment, where everywhere he looked, the only thing he could see was heartbreak. Thankfully, Jonghyun had eventually convinced him to move out, because apparently “staring at the empty spaces in the apartment isn’t going to make Minho come back”.
With the help of Jonghyun, Jinki then moved to a different area, one with a smaller possibility of finding something that would remind him of Minho at each turn. Moving to a new place required finding a new job too, which Jonghyun had helped him with as well. Luckily, his new workmates were easy to get along with. Jinki had gotten especially close to this bright kid named Taemin, who would even join him and Jonghyun sometimes when they would meet up for dinner at Jinki’s new place.
After a few years in a new environment, he could definitely say he was getting better again. He still remembers the heartbreak sometimes, when he sees the brand of cologne Minho used to wear, or when he hears Minho's favorite song, but it didn't hurt him as much anymore.
Some time after that, Taemin had suggested that Jinki should start going out on dates again. Nothing too serious, just something casual at least because, in Taemin's words, it had already been quite some time since Minho and he wasn't getting any younger. And Taemin had been right, which was why Jinki agreed to let Taemin set him up on a date.
On the day of the date itself, he had still been having some reservations. He still wasn't sure if it was the right decision, that maybe it was still too soon. But looking back at it now, he was glad he went through with it. Because if he hadn’t gone on that date, then he wouldn't have met Kibum.
If anyone asked Jinki what he thinks love looked like now, he would say it looked a lot like Kibum.
Jinki's first impression of Kibum was that he was, for lack of a better word, pretty. He had even stuttered a bit while introducing himself just because he was that stunned by Kibum's beauty. (Jinki found out later on that Kibum had thought that he was being absolutely adorable at that moment.)
Throughout the night, Jinki found that Kibum was really just very easy to talk to. Jinki wasn't much of a conversationalist, he'd always been the type to listen, which was why it was easy to get along with Kibum, who seemed to really love talking about everything, from his hobbies to his work to the dogs he had left behind at home with his parents. Meanwhile, Kibum seemed to be glad to have someone who was actually listening to what he had to say. One might even say they were a match made in heaven.
Jinki had come home that night with a bit of worry. He really liked Kibum, but he wasn't exactly sure if Kibum felt the same way. Until a few days later when Kibum had called him and asked if he wanted to grab a coffee again. They had met up for another date, followed by another one, and another one, until on one date, Jinki had finally found the courage to ask Kibum to be his boyfriend (officially) and Kibum didn't even hesitate by answering him with a sweet kiss.
Some months passed and Jinki had started to see love in the small things again, like in the tiny hearts Kibum would send over text, the coffees they would get together on the weekends, the little artworks Kibum would make for him for fun.
It was more or less the same way he saw love when he was with Minho. But as time went on, Jinki had started seeing love just a little bit more differently.
Love had started to look like Kibum happily handing him clothes to try on while they were out shopping. Like Kibum excitedly telling him about the newly opened cafe down the street. Like Kibum dancing around in Jinki’s living room because one of his favorite girl groups just released a new song.
Jinki had never considered that love could be described by a person, had always thought that no person could really capture how beautiful love was. He had always seen love as some material thing because that’s how he knew Minho loved him.
But with Kibum, it was entirely different. It wasn't just the material things, it wasn't only on special occasions. Kibum simply loved him, everytime, in every way. Everything Kibum did for Jinki, with Jinki, had simply just been laced with so much love, until Kibum started to look like love itself in Jinki's eyes.
To Jinki, love looked like Kibum asking if he wanted to move in with him, four years into their relationship. Like Kibum coming home to their little apartment, wordlessly snuggling up to him on the couch after a tiring day at work. Like Kibum cooking breakfast for both of them on Sunday mornings. Like Kibum panting, sweating, moaning, writhing beneath him as he left marks all over his body. Like Kibum in the morning after, lying next to him in bed, eyes barely open and hair all messy, greeting Jinki with a soft "good morning, i love you", just before giving him a kiss despite the morning breath.
Love looked like Kibum getting down on knee and pulling out a ring, asking him with hopeful eyes if he wanted to spend the rest of their lives together.
And especially at this very moment, love looked like Kibum, in his fancy tuxedo, standing in front of him at the altar, promising to be with him forever.
Jinki understands that everyone feels emotions, especially love, differently. He knew that if everyone were to describe what love looked like, everyone would have different answers. To other people, love could look like a song someone wrote for them, or a hand-knitted sweater, or even an expensive ring.
But for Jinki, he knows that the only way to really describe love and its beauty was to say that love definitely looked like Kibum.