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"Is there something wrong, baby?", Keith eventually dared to ask Mick while they were sitting outside on the launch chairs on their balcony. They'd tucked in Davie earlier and then decided to enjoy the mild late summer night with a bottle of wine.
"I'm alright…", Mick only mumbled in return, sipping on his glass of red wine, his face averted from Keith, gaze directed towards the sky which was drenched in the rose and orange light of the low evening sun.
"You're just so quiet, is all…", Keith observed, his assessment sounding sheepish.
He wasn't wrong, though. Mick had been rather pensive and appeared absent-minded all evening, as he had been the prior days. Usually, he was way more gregarious, more than Keith anyway, he always could come up with something and sometimes wouldn't shut up even when people around him already grew annoyed by his constant babbling. Of course, there were times they could spend in complete silence. They'd be sitting on their balcony countless nights before, just looking at the sky, their only words deploring that they couldn't see more stars due to all the city lights. Or they'd be lying on the couch in the living room, their limbs all entangled, relishing each other's touch and their closeness, sharing sweet little kisses without losing any words. Sometimes it wasn't even necessary for them to exchange words because a meaningful glance would be enough to communicate their thoughts.
This silence, however, felt utterly different to Keith. It wasn't outright awkward, but far from comfortable either and rather seemed like an indicator that there might be something brewing. During all the time he'd known Mick, in more than one and a half years of them being together and five months of them being married, he'd only experienced him like this once.
Mick and his band had played a gig a few months back, one of the few occasions where Keith had actually managed to come see him on stage because Ronnie had been kind enough to watch after Davie. Unfortunately, one of the people in the crowd had been David, Mick's ex who decided to bother them after the gig was over. Once he realised that Mick wasn't dating Sam, but actually was with Keith, he'd gone bonkers, insulting both of them. Especially once he had noticed the matching silver bracelets they were wearing instead of traditional wedding bands. The only reason David had gone home that night with all his teeth still in his mouth was that Mick had stopped Keith from beating the crap out of him. He couldn't deny that he'd been incredibly furious with anger, still cursing about David days after their encounter. Mick on the other hand, had been way more introverted than he used to be. His distant behaviour had almost made Keith feel like he actually was mad at him either, not just at David. But when eventually talking to him about the whole matter, it turned out that Mick hadn't been angry but worried instead. Now, with Mick being this quiet and thoughtful once again, Keith couldn't tell for sure what was up with him. So he needed to figure it out.
"I've just been thinking about something…", Mick finally offered, putting his wine glass back down on the small table between them.
"Hmm?", Keith simply made, prompting him to go on while he took a sip of wine himself as if to brace himself for whatever Mick was about to tell him.
"It's kinda dumb, really…", Mick muttered, still rather facing the sky than Keith.
"You know that you can tell me anything, darlin'", he encouraged him, putting out a hand to gently squeeze Mick's knee. His touch seemed to rip Mick out of his thoughts and he finally turned to face him.
"We...we've actually talked about this before...and I know, I said I didn't want it and I only need you and Davie, but I was just wondering…if there might be a chance to...", he started rambling until Keith had to disrupt him because he wasn't on the same track yet.
"Could you tell me what you're talking about, babe?", he asked, frowning, trying to put the pieces together.
"What do you think about us having a baby?", Mick wanted to know, his question coming totally out of the blue, startling Keith.
"What?", he gave back, completely dumbfounded because he had expected anything but that.
"I mean, us raising another kid together...a little brother or sister for Davie", Mick clarified upon his astonishment and Keith could see that waiting for his answer made him nervous because he was turning the glass of wine in his hands restlessly.
"I didn't know I could actually get you pregnant, babe", Keith chuckled in reply and tried to joke off his perplexity. "Cause as I see it, it's not a possibility for us. I thought we had already discussed that…", he added, wondering why Mick had decided to jump back into this topic once again even though they perfectly well were aware that their hope was forlorn.
"Yeah but...if there was another way, like adoption, or…", Mick started, but Keith disrupted him because it sounded ludicrous.
"Adoption? You're aware they won't even give children to an unmarried man and woman, right? We'd never have a chance with that...", he pointed out the obvious. There was no way the authorities would give a child into the custody of two apparently single guys pretending to be brothers.
"I know that…but there's another way", Mick meant, startling Keith yet further.
"Which one?", he wanted to know, feeling unease creeping up inside him because everything he could think of was something he absolutely didn't want to indulge in.
"Uh...it's something I came up with together with Sam. Years ago, actually...back then I was seeing some lad and Sam just made a silly suggestion that…if I ended up with a bloke for good and if we ever wanted kids...and she wasn't really with anyone...well, she suggested for her and I to simply have kids together", Mick told him while mustering him carefully.
"I...what? But...but Sam's with Johnny now...", was all Keith could come up with in reply since he was totally astounded about everything Mick had said and needed a moment to wrap his head around it.
"Yeah...well, that's what she suggested back then, I was just thinking about it again…", Mick shrugged.
"What do you want to tell me? That you wanna hook up with Sam?", Keith asked once he was catching up on everything, his eyes wide and his heart beating heavily against his ribs as he tried not to freak out.
"No...no it's just...it was just an idea she had years ago. Who knows if she even still would be up for that...I've only been thinking about it again", Mick defended his prior statement but Keith still didn't understand his motives.
"But why? We have Davie. You said you're alright with that!", he threw back at him, reminding Mick of the previous discussion they'd led about this matter. Even though it had been almost a year ago, he still remembered it vividly. Now it was like having a déjà vu with his greatest fear of Mick leaving him, because Keith wasn't enough for him, coming back to haunt him.
"And I am...I just…", Mick began but Keith wouldn't let him get further. He was so upset by his words that he couldn't bring himself to stay calm.
"I don't understand you, Mick. So, you want to...what? Shag Sam and have a kid with her?", he asked in an attempt to sound angry but it only came out as panicked.
"It would be yours, too", Mick argued but Keith shook his head vehemently, getting up from his launch chair since he couldn't sit still any longer.
"No, it wouldn't", he gave back harshly, his hurt now sparking anger. He was too agitated about this entire conversation, pacing around the balcony for a moment until he came to a halt, leaning against the balustrade.
"Keith…", Mick tried, leaving his chair to stand next to him, placing a soothing hand on his back, but Keith turned to face him, shrugging him off in doing so.
"No, Mick. Do you honestly expect me to accept that? You going off, shagging your ex to have a baby with her?", he accused him, his voice getting louder because of how upset he was.
"I wouldn't do it without you being there too…", Mick muttered, biting his bottom lip as if he wasn't sure he'd said the right thing.
"I cannot believe you just suggested this…", Keith all but bristled with anger, shaking his head in utter disbelief as if to underline his statement.
"Look...it would be just sex...nothing more", Mick tried again and now Keith actually snorted because it seemed completely ludicrous.
"She'd be the mother of this child for god's sake, and what am I?"
"You're my husband, Keith", Mick gave back in an incredulous tone as if Keith was the one making these absurd suggestions.
"I don't want this...I...I don't even want to imagine this...why would you ever suggest this? Are you bored of me? Is this not enough for you after all?", he couldn't stop himself from asking, feeling his upset slowly dissolving into fear. 'Am I not enough for you?', he'd wanted to yell but couldn't get it out. Because saying it out aloud would make his fear increase even further.
"Keith, no...I love you. I love you so much", Mick immediately reaffirmed him, his eyes wide in shocked realisation.
"Then why would you even say something like that? I don't want you to sleep with Sam or anyone else for whatever reason...we're married for god's sake. We got married because we want to spend our lives together…", Keith rambled and he was so wrought up that he felt tears stinging in his eyes.
"Keith...baby, hey, you're right. I'm so sorry...I didn't mean to upset you, love", Mick tried to calm him down once he seemed to notice what his suggestion had done to Keith.
"Then why would you say all that? You know bloody well that...we've talked about this before…you know how I'm feeling about all this...", Keith got out, his voice choked as he angrily brushed away the tears that had spilled from his eyes. He knew that Mick was perfectly aware of how insecure he could get due to being hurt badly by his ex. They'd talked about this, he'd laid bare his fears and Mick had affirmed him, encouraged him all the time. The fact that now he'd come up with a proposition like that was completely illogical for him.
"I know...I do. And I'm terribly sorry, baby. I just...I only wanted to mention it. Just show up this possibility…", Mick tried to justify himself but Keith only snorted.
"Well, it sure as hell ain't one for me..."
"I'm sorry", Mick mumbled sheepishly, gaze averted in regret.
"I married you because I want to be with you, always. And you wanted this, too...so I don't get why you're changing your mind all of a sudden, even though you should bloody well know how I'm feeling about that whole thing…", Keith explained to him, as his anger faded to bitter disappointment. He couldn't wrap his head around that Mick actually had proposed these things. To him it didn't only feel hurtful but outright insulting.
"I just thought it would be beautiful...having another child. A sibling for Davie to grow up with…that's all I was thinking of...", Mick told him quietly.
"Well, it would be. It would be the most wonderful thing there is...if only it could actually be ours...yours and mine…", Keith ruefully admitted.
"I know…I'm so sorry, love", Mick apologised once more, putting out a hand to touch his arm, but Keith didn't let him. He still was way too upset.
"Are you still having feelings for Sam?", he wanted to know because he needed to understand what was going on in Mick's mind.
He'd quite grown to like Sam over the past months, especially since she'd helped him with picking out an engagement ring for Mick. The logical part of his brain knew that Mick was just friends with her and that Sam would never do anything to compromise Mick's happiness. But there was a part of him that still felt jealous of and threatened by her, like he'd been in the very beginning. Just because of all the history Sam shared with Mick and for how long and how intimately they'd been knowing each other.
"What? No...no, obviously not", Mick denied and even though the astonished, almost hurt look in his eyes told Keith that he was telling the truth, he still had trouble believing him.
"Well, but you wanted to screw her...", he argued, clearly insulted.
"But not because I'm fancying her, Keith. Just for the sole reason that she's a woman and could have kids", Mick tried to explain, almost risking his neck while doing so because Keith interpreted it in a completely different way.
"So...what does that mean? That you're missing sleeping with women?", he threw back at him in a clearly provoking tone.
"No, god...Keith.You know perfectly well that's not it. This was a dumb idea, as I said. I should never have mentioned anything", Mick paddled back, apparently regretting his decision of opening his mouth at all.
"Then why did you?", Keith just couldn't simply let go of it. His anger had calmed down but his hurt wouldn't vanish this fast.
"Because it would be amazingly beautiful to have another kid to raise with you", Mick repeated himself.
"You wouldn't have it with me and that's the whole point...", Keith muttered, not looking at him.
"What else am I supposed to say other than that I'm sorry?", Mick inquired, the tone in his voice nearly desperate.
"Just leave it be…", he mumbled, turning around to go back inside because he was sick and tired of this discussion. Being two guys, of course there was no way for them to have a kid together, but this had been obvious to them since the beginning of their relationship. For this reason, he didn't understand why Mick now wanted to discuss everything again, even though it wouldn't get them anywhere.
"Keith…", Mick went after him, grabbing his hand to stop him from leaving their bedroom. "Baby, wait…", he pleaded, lightly pressing Keith's hand.
"This actually bloody hurts, you know…", Keith admitted with a sigh, feeling new tears welling up in his eyes, as he just slumped down on their bed, pressing his hands to his face in resignation. After a moment, he felt Mick sitting down beside him, resting a hand on his back, drawing little patterns. This time, he didn't flinch away from Mick's touch.
"I'm really sorry, love. I never meant to hurt you.", he said quietly, using his free hand to gently wrap it around Keith's wrist, slowly pulling his hand away from his face. "Tell me what to do to make this right?", he added, then cupping Keith's cheek so he had to face him.
It wasn't too hard finding something he could ask of Mick to make him feel better. "Don't mention Sam again in this context…", he demanded, still not looking him directly in the eyes, but Mick nodded in agreement. Sam was Mick's best friend, obviously they'd be spending a lot of time together. And Keith didn't mind because he trusted Mick, he trusted Sam, too. But he couldn't tolerate in the slightest when Mick was saying things like these. Just the bare thought of it made Keith's stomach drop and feel completely miserable.
"Alright, I won't. Look, she has that thing going on with Johnny now. Probably she wouldn't have agreed anyway, probably she doesn't even remember that. So...it was a really stupid thing to say...", he mentioned and Keith only hummed. Mick's hand was still cupping his cheek, his index finger softly trailing the outlines of his ear. "I didn't suggest this to hurt you, love", Mick repeated and again, Keith just hummed.
"Was this just about having a baby, or…?", he inquired after a moment.
"What else would it have been about?", Mick wanted to know, he sounded confused.
"I don't know. You tell me. I want you to tell me if you're not happy with me anymore, or if I did anything wrong, or if you just...want something else", Keith replied, sounding defeated and he could feel tears running down his cheeks.
"Baby...I'm so awfully sorry...I didn't intend to make you believe any of that. You're my husband. Of course I want nobody else but you. I love you...you have no idea how much I do, babe. I'd never intentionally hurt you, my love", Mick said in a gentle voice as he softly kept running his thumb over his skin, brushing away his tears.
"You're making me so incredibly happy, Keith. When you asked me to marry you, baby...it was the most beautiful day. I couldn't be happier than when I'm with you. You did nothing at all that you should be worrying about, you're nothing but wonderful to me", he added, and as Keith finally lifted his gaze to meet Mick's, the look in his eyes was tender and loving and above all, amazingly honest.
"I'm just so afraid of losing you...I'm so sorry if I cannot give you what you want...and I'm so scared of losing you…", Keith meant, his voice choking with tears as he wrapped his arms around Mick because he needed his embrace to keep himself grounded. Mick gladly hugged him back, pulling him closer while Keith kept sniffling as he leaned his head onto Mick's shoulder.
"I want only you", Mick reaffirmed him, pressing a little kiss to his hair and as he continued running his hand over Keith's back in soothing circles, Keith could feel himself getting calmer. Once his tears had dried, he eventually let go of Mick to grab a tissue from the nightstand to blow his nose.
"Are we alright?" Mick wanted to know, mustering him in expectation.
"Do you want to have a child of your own?", Keith asked back instead of replying. He couldn't simply drop the issue while there still were points that needed discussion. Otherwise he feared that eventually it might catch up to them once more, leaving them distressed again.
"Not as badly as I want to be with you", Mick simply replied, sounding so certain that it wasn't hard for Keith to believe him. Still he felt the need to further share his feelings on that.
"Because if you couldn't stay with me otherwise…I don't want you to feel that you'd be giving this up for me...I mean, Davie's my son...and you...", he started rambling until Mick stopped him.
"Keith, no. I'm not giving up anything...don't ever think that. And I don't want you to do anything for me that you don't want to either", he clarified, taking Keith's hand in his own, pressing it in reassurance.
"Look...if there was a way...I'd not care if I was the father or you were...cause we'd both be, wouldn't we? After all, by now we're both Davie's dads, right? All I'd care about was that we'd get to raise it together", Mick went on and Keith nodded, completely agreeing with his words before something occurred to him.
"Wait, so...what would you have said if I'd told you what you just told me? If I'd been musing about sleeping with an ex of mine to have her baby?", he wanted to know and Mick ended up grinning sheepishly.
"Uh...I see your point, babe", he mumbled, sighing. "I get you. Cause I can't deny that I would have been so bloody jealous, and afraid as well...I didn't think this through, I'm really sorry. The only thing I was thinking about was how beautiful it would be to raise another baby with you", Mick admitted eventually and Keith was glad about these words of realisation.
"I wish there was another way, you know...that didn't involve anyone else…", he muttered, staring down on their entwined hands.
"It's fine, baby. We already knew that we couldn't have this. We were alright with it. I was, I am alright with it. The only reason I even mentioned this again was...well, I bloody love you. And I figured it might be a wonderful experience to share with you...having another little one to take care of and raise together...", Mick explained and Keith actually was so happy and relieved to hear this, that a little smile crept onto his face.
"But we already have our beautiful little boy, and I'm so thankful to be able to be there with you, watching Davie grow up. There's nothing more we need as long as we have each other", Mick added and now Keith finally looked back over at him, mirroring the smile on his face as he pressed his hand, letting Mick know they were all good.
"You know, if only it were possible...I'd love to make a baby with you, or two if you wanted…", he meant, feeling himself blush which made Mick grin and chuckle.
"We'd have the prettiest babies…", he laughed before leaning closer, pecking Keith's cheek.
"Cause you're so beautiful, my sweet darlin'", Keith returned, the smile in his voice clearly audible, as he engulfed Mick in his arms once more, pressing a kiss to his temple.
"And you, my love. I married the most handsome and wonderful man...", Mick mumbled against his neck as Keith leaned back onto the pillows so they ended up lying down, cuddled up and holding each other close.
"I love you so much", Keith whispered, drawing the outlines of Mick's full lips with his thumb.
"You're everything I need, baby", Mick mumbled, smiling at him sweetly. "If I had to choose between you and anything else...I'd always choose you, love. Just so you know", he assured him in a soft voice and Keith was so touched by his words that he couldn't come up with anything to reply. Simple words might not have sufficed anyway to describe the happiness that was spreading in his chest at this moment. Instead, he returned Mick's cute smile before capturing his lips with his own in a tender kiss.