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When will you throw me away?

Summary:

Erika knows she's useless and wonders how long it will be until her Master throws her away.

Notes:

This is my first fic, please don't criticize it too harshly...

This fic was heavily inspired by "Incomprehensible Emotions" by HiroshiPortor. I very much recommend to read it, and I very much suggest to do it (at least the first two chapters) before reading my fic to get a better context of the situation.

It is kinda self-indulgent and Bernkastel here is a good order of a magnitude too kind for her character.

Work Text:

Erika was sitting on the floor with her back against the wall, absent-mindedly flipping through the pages of some third-rate mystery novel. It was so predictable that Erika started to find herself lost in her own thoughts, that had little to do with the content of the book. The room was quiet – now even quieter than normally, as Bernkastel had left in order to try to find an interesting Fragment. Erika couldn’t predict when her Master would return, whether it would be in a few minutes, a few hours, or a few days.

Or maybe she won’t return at all.

This was the thing that was on Erika’s mind.

Erika still couldn’t understand why her Master, the great and cruel witch whose name was spoken with both fear and respect through Heaven and Hell, had decided to keep her around.

Why had she decided to keep the pathetic and worthless person who only brought failure and shame upon her around.

Suddenly a whirl of what appeared to be small black cubes, that looked as if someone cut out a hole out of the very fabric of reality, appeared and quickly collapsed into the shape of Bernkastel. Erika quickly got onto her feet and gently curtsied.

“Welcome back home, my Master. Is there anything I could do for you?”

“No, thank you.”

For a very short moment, so short that even with her photographic memory Erika couldn’t say if she truly had seen it or not, Bernkastel appeared to smile a little, before her face returned to the eternal frosty look.

As Bernkastel sat on the bed, her empty eyes fixed at some random point on the wall, Erika could tell that, again, there were no interesting Fragments that her Master could find. And that, again, her Master would suffer due to the poisonous boredom. And she couldn’t even do anything about it.

If she couldn’t even be of any use to her Master, why was she ever kept around? Without a game going on, a piece was worth less than even furniture. She was worthless, her life was worthless. If it was painful for her Master to even remember useless pieces, then why was something as pathetic as her still kept around.

Erika knew that Bernkastel cared for her, at least a little, yet despite being able to prove it, she couldn’t comprehend it.

One day her Master will remember how truly pathetic and useless she is. No matter the reason why she is still being kept around, she will one day be thrown away, forgotten in the depths of oblivion. It’s not like she deserves any better, every single kind word that her Master bestowed upon her was more than undeserved. Even every single second that she got to happily stand by her Master’s side after failing her so many times was undeserved.

Erika scolded herself in her thoughts for thinking about things like that, for thinking about herself in a moment when she should be thinking about how to help her Master feel better.

But she had to ask this question. She had to know the truth about this. No matter how painful and disheartening that truth could be.

“My Master?...”

Erika’s  voice was quiet and weak.

“Yes?”

Bernkastel looked at Erika. She wasn’t used to Erika starting conversation on her own - even though Erika was generally more talkative than her, she very rarely allowed herself to speak first in Bernkastel's presence.

“When… when… when will you throw me away?”

Bernkastel’s eyes widened and a puzzled expression rose to her face.

Why would Erika even ask such a question?

“What do you mean?”

“I was useless for you. I brought shame upon you. And now, when there are no games, there isn’t even any way for me to be useful. You said yourself that it’s painful to even remember useless pieces. Why are you keeping me around? I don’t deserve your care, I don’t deserve to be allowed to stand by your side.”

Bernkastel knew that she had abused Erika too much and praised her too little. She treated almost every single one of her pieces like that. She used them – not only as chess pieces, but also as punching bags that she could vent her anger on – and then disposed of them in a more or less entertaining way.

However, Erika was different compared to most of the other pieces. She knew she was just a piece and held a deep conviction that her only purpose was to please her Master in any way. She would always choose Bernkastel above anything else and wouldn’t hesitate a second to abandon all of her happiness for Bernkastel.

Even if Bernkastel couldn’t admit it, even to herself, she knew that Erika wasn’t just a normal piece.

Erika was much more special than that.

Erika was the only one that served her on own volition. Erika even – and it was stated in Red – loved Bernkastel.

After all, it is only natural for a daughter to love her mother.

But it is also only natural for a mother to not abuse or throw out her daughter just because she made a mistake.

Bernkastel stood up and walked to Erika, who still was frozen in place with her eyes fixed on the ground since she asked that question. She could clearly see that Erika was scared.

It was obvious that no matter how much Erika loved her, she would still be afraid of someone that has inflicted so much pain upon her and could easily erase her existence on a whim.

Erika was trying not to shake when her Master approached her.

Will she be strangled? Thrown into oblivion? Killed over and over? Or simply abused? She shouldn’t care about such trivialities. As long as it makes her Master happier (or at least entertained, how could such a lowly thing make her Master happy), she should be grateful for being allowed to be of use to Bernkastel. Bernkastel. The only person that she would accept as a ‘Master’. The only person that she would put above herself. What she felt towards her Master was incomparable to any connection she had with any person in her previous life. Comparing her to anyone else wasn’t even possible.

Bernkastel was much more special than that.

After what felt to Erika like centuries, Bernkastel finally stopped in front of her. She reached out her hand, gently and calmly lifting up Erika’s head until their eyes met.

“Just your existence here, the fact that you are always here for me, is more than useful for me. But you don’t have to define yourself in terms of being useful to me. After all, you’re not just a piece or a furniture. You’re my cute daughter.”

Tears appeared in Erika’s eyes. Bernkastel knew how vulnerable to those words Erika was. She also knew that she had tainted them – merely minutes after saying the, she had returned to her abusive behavior, just because the logic that Erika used to frame Natsuhi wasn’t perfect. This time, she won’t taint those words. And she’ll make sure that Erika knows it. Bernkastel couldn’t state that she loved Erika.

After all she was truly incapable of love.

But she knew she could state one thing.

I care about you. And I won’t ever throw you away.

Bernkastel herself was unsure whether the second Red Truth will work. Just to make things sure, both for herself and for the great detective who would be able to find a hole in her statement within a moment, she quickly added.

Throwing you away includes killing you, throwing you to oblivion, as well as any other form of permanent separation between us.

Even through tears in Erika’s eyes, Bernkastel could see how her eyes changed – a proof that her words have been accepted both by Erika’s heart and mind. Within seconds, Erika broke into even more tears and collapsed to the floor, sobbing.

“T-Thank you, my Master…”

Her words were barely recognizable through her sobs. Bernkastel sat next to her and waited until she calmed down. It took few minutes until Erika wiped her last tears and looked at Bernkastel again.

“I’ve already said this, but please allow me to repeat it. I will always be with you, unless you want to me to leave.

“I guess with my Red Truth, that ‘unless’ statement is now unnecessary.”

Bernkastel replied smiling, as she ran her fingers through Erika’s long hair.