Chapter Text
The sound of her screaming makes me fly from my desk and out of my study, running as if my tail was on fire. I burst through the door to her room, where she sits on her bed, her nose red as tears trail down her cheeks. Shiva is crying, but otherwise unharmed from what I can see. When she realizes I'm there, she too flies from where she is, and runs headfirst into my legs to hug me.
"Shiva, what troubles you?" I ask. It takes a moment for her to collect herself before she can answer. "Are you hurt? Did you see something?"
"I heard something," she sobs. "It was a big doggie outside, and it got a bunny, I think l, and the bunny got really hurt…"
"Oh dear." I lean to the side to look out of her window. Such is life, where a predator shall catch its prey so it can live. But that doesn't make it easy to hear, especially in the middle of the night. "I'm sorry you heard that, Shiva."
She looks up at me, still sniffling. "Is the bunny okay, Teacher?"
Most likely not , I want to say. Obviously I can't reply with that. I drum my fingers along my side as I think of something. Aha! I'll simply "check" outside and examine the situation, where I'll then happily inform Shiva that the rabbit tracks scurrying off into the forest signify that the bunny escaped safely.
"I suppose I should go check," I say. When I move, Shiva clings to my leg, standing on top of my foot. "Er, Shiva, if you would go back to bed…"
"I wanna see too!" she says. That's the tone she uses when she's decided on something. Shiva lets go of my leg, but raises her arms for me to scoop her up. I gesture to the drawer, where her coat should be, but she remains in that pose. I suppose a few moments outside won't hurt. I lift her up, and she buries her face into my chest with her arms around my neck.
"Are you certain?"
"Uh-huh. I gotta see, too."
Poor Shiva. I can feel her trembling. I step outside with her still holding onto me, and thank goodness that her face is still against my neck. A big spot of blood is splattered on the snow, and the severed leg of a rabbit lies on top of it, surrounded by tufts of gray fur. I give Shiva's back a pat and turn around.
"Yes, the bunny got away. Thank goodness."
Shiva leans back to look for herself. Her face grows pale-- paler --and her miserable whimpers are similar to the whistle of a teapot. She simply points at the foot.
"Oh, that?" I stammer. "Er, Shiva, do you know anything about lizards? How they can pop their tails off so they can escape? Rabbits can do the same thing. It's an uncouth sight, but I'm sure this one got away."
As much as I hate to be a braggart, I must commend myself for thinking of something that quickly.
Shiva puckers her lips in thought. "You're sure…?"
"Absolutely."
"But will he be okay? Or will the doggie catch him again?"
"I'm sure he'll be just fine." I step back inside and kneel down, waiting for Shiva to let go of me, but she stays where she is. "Shiva, it's late. You must go to bed."
"Carry me?" She asks. So I walk to her room and sit down on her bed. I lean forward to coax her off, but Shiva shakes her head and gives a little grumble. "Mmn."
"Shiva, it's quite late. You need to rest."
"Mmn."
"Shiva…"
"I'm your scarf now," she mumbles.
"Well, it'd be silly to wear a scarf indoors, would it not?" She doesn't move. "Is anything else the matter?"
"What if he gets me?" she asks. She points to her window. "He's gonna see me. Maybe he's seen me already! Then he'll climb in to eat me!"
I rub her back for a bit while she calms down. Even with my muted sense of touch, I can tell Shiva's grip on me is slipping. She must be exhausted, having been woken up by such a frightful noise. When I lean down enough for her back to brush against the bed, I pry her off and tuck her in. She whines underneath the covers, kicking her little legs.
As much as I enjoy her company, Shiva can be a bit tiring to be around. She rarely has any kind of tantrum or fit, and she's quite obedient when it comes to chores, but she's still a little girl, and all little children will occasionally be difficult. She'll tire herself out eventually. I stand up, and Shiva throws the blankets off of her and wraps herself around my arm.
"No!" she cries.
"Shiva…"
"No! No leaving!"
"Shiva, be a good girl and go to sleep, please."
"Nuh-uh! No leaving! No!"
"Shiva…" My reprimands are cut off by her whimpering. My chest tightens. Ahh, but of course. She's still scared. That should've been obvious to me. Still, I hesitate to encourage behavior like this. She should use her words to help me understand that she doesn't want to be alone… though that, too, should be obvious to me. Sometimes I wonder how Shiva tolerates my presence.
"That's enough," I say gently. "If you need me here, I'll oblige. May I at least retrieve a book to read, though?"
Shiva nods without saying anything. She pulls on my collar, turning me, and again hangs off of my shoulders like a scarf. The walk to my study is a quick one. I yank a book from the shelf, and then light a candle and carry both back to her room. To my surprise, Shiva hops off of me once I sit, and she pulls the blankets down and pats the barren spot.
"Er, I believe I'm supposed to tuck you in."
"I'll tuck us both in," she says adamantly. I sit where she motioned, and she clambers over my legs with the blankets in tow to effectively throw them over me. Then she burrows underneath them to curl up on my lap. I open my book and begin to read.
"Wait!" she says. Shiva points at my book. "Not yet." She climbs off of her bed and goes to her drawer, where she pulls out her hairbrush. She hands it to me, and then curls back up in my lap.
I'm not great at turning pages with one hand, but I suppose I'll figure it out. I brush her hair as I read, though absorbing the information isn't as easy as I'd like. I'm terrible at multitasking.
"Wait!" she says again. "Teacher, will you read to me?"
"This book?"
"Uh-huh."
"Alright. The material may be quite boring for a child of your age, though."
"That's okay. It's not scary, is it?"
"Not at all."
"What's it called?"
I glance at the spine. "Um… Modern Applications and Scientific Endeavors of Countryside Herbs, Volume IX ."
Shiva pauses. "I know three of those words, I think." She flashes me a smile. "Okay, start reading, Teacher."
I begin at the chapter closest to my bookmark. "Ahem. Chapter eleven: Applications of g--"
"Teacher, what's that mean?"
"'Applications' basically means 'uses'. Anyway… Chapter eleven: Applications of ginger, dried and cured, to extremities and--"
"What's that mean?"
Oh lord. "It describes limbs in this context. Anyhow. Chapter eleven: Applications of ginger, dried and cured, to extremities and phalanges. D--"
"What's that mean?"
"Um… Fingers and toes, in this case." I try to read a little faster. "Due to high opinion of the public, the ginger root has found its place in many gardens. Its uses extend beyond the kitchen, and venture into--"
"Wait, what's that mean?"
"Which word?"
Shiva hums in thought. "Oh. I forgot."
I stifle a sigh. "Let's see… beyond the kitchen, and venture into the realm of medicinal pr--"
"Oh! I remember now! Ext--Extren… Ex…"
"Extend: to go beyond." I wait for a moment. "Into the realm of m--"
"Teacher, you read boring books."
"Shiva, it's not polite to interrupt."
"Oopsie. I'm sorry."
Finally, I'm able to read aloud without stopping every few seconds. After a while, I begin to lift the blankets to examine whether she's asleep. She's nestled comfortably in my lap, her chest rising and falling in perfect rhythm, a thumb placed loosely in her mouth, and her other hand gripping the fabric of my shirt.
It's a good thing I no longer crave food and water. I couldn't bear the thought of disturbing her to get up. I continue my book in my head until I reach the index. The sun has barely crept above the horizon. The candle has long since died out, but the room has gotten a smidge brighter thanks to the beginning of dawn. Shiva still snores softly. I wonder… I should dispose of the rabbit leg outside before she wakes. There's no fresh snow to cover it.
Gently, I lift Shiva from my lap and place her beside me. I tuck her in again. The bed creaks loudly as I stand, and Shiva sits up.
"What time is it?" she asks.
"It's quite early," I reply. I pat her head. "Go back to bed, Shiva."
Shiva grabs my hand. "Where are you going?"
"I'm going out for a brisk walk." That doesn't seem to please her. "I'll be back in less than an hour."
"Can I come with?"
"You should sleep." She shakes her head. "You really should, Shiva. Go back to bed."
"I don't wanna be left alone…" she mumbles. Her expression makes me pause. Is she really that scared? I can't imagine it's a pleasant experience to listen to a wolf rip apart a small animal, but Shiva isn't frightened easily. The Outsiders didn't terrify her, and her encounters with various soldiers left her spooked, but not outwardly so. But here, she's bitten into her lip with tears in her eyes.
Did she hear something else? Something worse? I scratch my head in thought. She may not leave the house at all today, so there's no need to clean the tragic mess outside. I sit back down, and Shiva crawls back into my lap again.
"Are you alright?" I ask.
"Uh-huh."
"Do you need anything?"
"Nuh-uh."
"Is there something the matter?"
"Nuh-uh. Not anymore." She sighs when I pull the blanket over her. "Teacher, do you ever get scared?"
That's a new one. I think for a moment. "Hmm… Not for myself, no. But sometimes… Well, I'd say I get worried more than I get frightened. But on occasion, I become a little scared."
"From what?"
"Well, when you're ill, or if you get injured. You're a very strong girl, but children are often fragile creatures. I know that it's silly to get in such a rut over you being hurt, but there's sometimes a 'what-if' in the back of my mind. I suppose I'm scared to lose you."
It feels somewhat cathartic, yet embarrassing. I've become so attached to her. I no longer feel pain, but when she's in danger or in agony… that is the closest to suffering I can feel. How odd it is, this paternal instinct that grips me so tightly. Perhaps I'm lonely, and I want to keep my only company happy. But that's not it. I don't appreciate the Outsiders when they come by.
No, I really do love her. This little girl is the light of my life. So much so that I almost feel that I must choose my words carefully in fear that I'll make her worry, or make her sad, or disappoint her, or…
Goodness, what a mess I am. I must suffocate her, what with all the supervision I give and the tiny things I fret over. I'm supposed to be composed. Yet I slipped up again, didn't I? I should've told her that I have no fears.
"Oh, wow," she says. "That must be really scary, Teacher. But that's not a bad kind of scary, is it? 'Cause when you get scared of something, that means you're kinda taking care of yourself since you're keeping yourself safe. But when you get scared for someone, it means you're taking care of them."
I ruffle her hair. "That's very mature of you. You're very good with words, Shiva."
She smiles up at me. "I know! That's a grown up scary, though, isn't it? You don't think spiders or the dark or monsters are scary, do you?" Her smile drops, and she looks away. "I wish I wasn't scared of anything."
"It's natural to be afraid of some things," I say. Shiva's smile returns. "Especially when you're young. But it's important not to let that fear overcome you."
She nods before looking out the window. Her eyes linger there, and there's a dull glimmer in her eyes that brings worry to me.