Chapter Text
Slowly Cloud stirred from his sleep. The window was opened and a gentle breeze drifted through the bedroom. The sun was already up, a sunbeam fell through the curtains, which weren’t closed completely. It tickled his nose.
And with himself his senses came to life once more and he became aware of the tender warmth beside him. He turned over and scooted closer to Tifa. He inhaled deeply, let her scent fill his lungs to the fullest.
Like a flower field in the summer sun…
Cloud ran his hand over his face, still sleepy, to get the remnants of the night off it. Sleep hadn‘t been really restful. Shreds of memories, deep-buried feelings of still guilt-tinged events flashed before his eyes in a wild mix of uneasy sleep, waking up every now and then and an underlying feeling of constant nauseau. He really, really had wanted to avoid this day. But as it always was with events you wanted to escape with everything you had, time passed by all the faster the more you wanted to avoid D-Day.
Because of that he had been on edge the last few weeks, the last days in particular. It had gotten worse the closer this day had come. He had been nervous, self-aware to the very last cell in his body and more or less had always felt short of bailing out of every social situation. Which would had often been the better option…
He sighed internally and buried his head in the crook of Tifa‘s neck. As if he wanted to hide from all the times he had lashed out at her, Denzel, Marlene and all the others. Surely everyone had known something was up, but only the kids had dared asking. He just had kept silent. The lump in his throat too thick to even swallow around it. He had felt himself go pale, cold sweat covering his body and a flash of Mako at the brim of his sight.
The only one that had known exactly what was happening had been Tifa. She had just understood what was on his mind right now. What always was on his mind, a steady companion, neatly stored away in his fondest of memories. What came to the forefront this time of the year with all the more impact. But like always she just had understood and had given him the most reassuring smiles, whenever it had gotten complicated for him and his now once in a while unreliable social skills. Smiling. As always.
He was so grateful. For everything. And yet he sucked at showing it. Showing that he acknowledged every little detail she had done for him. That she always cared for him and his well-being. That he was grateful that she lay here besides him. At this exact moment. The last weeks he had been, because she had always known how to approach him, apparently always knowing right words he needed to hear. Or none, if he didn’t want any at all.
He slowly let his face emerge from Tifa’s hair again, simply savouring looking at her, even if he only saw the back of her head. To have someone so uniquely… good. He still couldn’t wrap his head around that.
His feeling of guilt rippled him away. Simultaneously he was so very angry with himself and the world likewise for being so unbelievably unjust. He really had been awful the last couple of days, particularly regarding Tifa - although it was the complete opposite of what he had wanted deep down in his heart, only resulting in him feeling more awful by the minute. It wasn’t her fault he felt upside-down and inside-out all at once after all. And she? All she had done was to smile and let it go. Just accepted his current state of mind. He really didn’t deserve someone like her. She was such a wonderful human being and he was… he was…
His mood - about to tilt the last couple of days anyway - made his eyes sting and gaze go hazy. A big lump in his throat made swallowing that much harder. He tried breathing calmly.
Deep breaths… In. Out. In. Out. It got better after several minutes. Pull yourself together. You have promised the both of you that you would never let despair get a hold of you again.
It was hard, fighting the tears back. But with the thoughts he forced to focus on his friends it got easier. They always helped him. Even if they weren’t aware of it to the full extend. In dark moments he had only with himself up in his head they were there for him. And that he really was thankful for.
They don’t have to know about this. We all have fought for a brighter future. I have come a long way and I’m definitively not gonna make them worry over me again. That’s my history and I’ll have to deal with it.
In his arms Tifa stirred, interlocking her fingers with his.
“Morning, Cloud,“ he could basically hear her smiling.
“Morning, Tifa.“
She got up in silence. Like every morning. And disappeared into the bathroom. Like every moorning. She would then jump under the icecold shower. Like every morning. And come back with that astonishing smile of hers. Like every morning.
//..// FLASHBACK //..//
“Hey Spikey! Morning sleepy head - get uuup!“
Cloud was woken ruggedly by a pillow thrown to his face. One that an apparantly fully awake Zack had thrown.
“Hmmpf…,“ was the only sound descending from under the pillow.
“You were sayin‘?“
Zack plucked the pillow from Cloud’s face and the next thing he saw after the darkness was the broadest and brightest grin plastered on Zack‘s face, a glitter in those so very special Makoeyes that it was just contagious.
“I said you‘re gross when you‘re that awake… You even know that?“ Cloid grumbled, only requitted by the smile getting even broader.
Deep down in his heart Cloud smiled along, silent and only for himself. Of course he never would admit it openly, but despite of him being not a morning person or still being sleepy, the sight of his sometimes a little bit overexcited friend had woken him fully. Like every morning.
//…// END FLASHBACK //..//
Cloud smiled both furtively and wistfully to himself. That had been the last morning he had spent with Zack. At least the last that could count in for that. He never took the morning of the fire and all the others that had followed it into account. He didn‘t remember anything about that after all. Except for one of course. Which had happened today five years ago. His best friend’s last day. Zack. Who had given up everything for Cloud in order to make his own dream come true.
Already dressed and with still damp hair Tifa came back to the bedroom and sat down beside Cloud. He was still lying on his back when she lay her hand onto his chest. He embraced it with his own hand and squeezed it gently. He tried to convey everything he felt for her with this simple squeeze. He still had the feeling it wasn’t enough. Actually it would never be enough, but he had to try to make up for some of it at least. So he sat up and came eyelevel with Tifa.
“Tifa… See, I -,“ was as far as he came with his intended apology. Tifa silenced him by putting her fingertips on his mouth and a shake of her head.
“Nu-uh. No apology needed! I know you’re all over the place right now. And I get it. I really do. I mean, it pulls at my heartstrings, too, you know?…. Imagining how you have to feel… phew. I think that’s gonna be impossible to get to the full extend.“ Her head had dropped and she sighed deeply. “But…!“ now she looked at him again, “I’ve done some thinking.“
She sucked her bottom lip between her teeth, slight frown. She was reluctant to go on, so much Cloud could tell.
“Yeea~h…?“
“Well just… don‘t be mad, okay?“ He gave her a reassuring nod. “I just thought that maybe - just maybe - it would help if we…,“ she side-eyed him, “…came along.“
“What?!“ That offer startled him and at first he didn’t know what to say or how to react at all. And that must have fazed her.
“I mean… Sorry, that was a dumb idea all together. Forget it!“ Tifa stood up in a rush and wanted to leave. Obviously she believed she had crossed a line there. Hard.
Luckily Cloud sprang to life again just in time to catch her wrist and stop her from leaving. “Sorry, I just didn’t know how to respond to that. Just caught me off guard, that’s all.“ Cloud gave her the most sincere look he could muster. “You wanted to add someting to this?“
“Just think about it. You don’t have to decide right now. I just thought it might help if you weren’t gonna be alone with this again. Getting it off your chest may help. And maybe Zack would count himself lucky not just seeing you all the time - all by yourself.“ On that note with the hint of a knowing smile she left the room. And him confused.
He wasn’t upset or angry by her suggestion. It just felt… out of place. Taking someone with him to that cliff. It always had been such an intimate moment for him. Being the only one that really had known Zack, it just never occured to him to go there with one of the others. It was different from how it was concerning Aerith, who had been a beloved member of their little found-family. They could mourn her together, give each other solace and remember every little detail about her, their journey together and everthing that had happened to them. In order to keep her and the memory of her alive.
On contrary to that, all the others basically didn‘t know anyting about Zack. Except Tifa. And even she just had gotten a few glimpses of him every now and then. And the little tidbits she had seen on their mission in Nibelheim. All memories and lived experiences he had with Zack were only in Cloud’s heart. They were his most personal, heartfelt and dearly beloved memories.
//…// „You are… my living… legacy.“ //…//
He came to a realization. Cloud got going and went to the bathroom and under the purging shower.
Half an hour later Cloud entered the kitchen. Tifa, Marlene and Denzel were already waiting for him. He smiled at them and sat down, the smell of fresh breadrolls was wavering through the kitchen.
//…// FLASHBACK //…//
“Yo, Spikey, mind handing the breadrolls over?“
“Stop calling me that!“ a tint of pink stole itself upon Cloud‘s cheeks.
“Oh Spikey… Come on. Don‘t prey my only pleasure away from me,“ Zack said with anguish in his voice and looked at him pleadingly. “I love doing that and I know for sure you love it to.“ He grinned teasingly and wiggled his eyebrows, “I hold a special place after all - being the only one calling you that.“
Cloud suddenly was hyper-aware of his surroundings. Everyone at their table had stopped eating and chatting and was staring at the scene playing out in front of their eyes. A banter between a SOLDIER 1st class and a mere trooper was truly something out of the ordinary. The fact alone that at the beginning of dinnertime a SOLDIER 1st class had placed himself amongst their midst had been sensational for itself. Accordingly everyone was super invested in the outcome of this.
But Cloud would have non of this.
He snatched the basket with the breadrolls, said, “Sorry, we‘re out of those,“ stood up and turned to leave. Teasing worked both ways and Cloud was done having it as a one way street. He grinned and tried to hide it under the scarf of his uniform.
He heard a CLANG of a chair, followed by agitated, “Hey, Cloud!“-shouting. So Cloud made a run for it. He only vaguely registered the gasps and het up chattering of all others present at the cafeteria.
He got as far as the middle of the abandoned parade ground. Then Zack had caught up on him, wrapping one arm around Cloud‘s stomach, the other trying to snag the breadrolls out of his hand.
“Cloooooudy… I‘m starving here,“ Zack whispered in his ear with a moan.
“That you should have taken into account in the first place,“ was Cloud‘s answer with a playful undertone and a smug smile on his face.
“You. Are. So. Very. Cruel.“
“And YOU. Are. Such. A. Dork,“ Cloud deadpanned.
“You know what? If you don‘t plan on giving me these breadrolls… I‘ll just eat you!“
“?!“
And with that Zack playfully bit into Cloud‘s shoulder and started tickling him right away.
“Za… Zack, that is… is… that is… unfair!“ Cloud stammered between his laughter.
“That you should have taken into account into the first place,“ Zack replied breezy and tickled Cloud till he lay on the ground completely gasping and panting. “You surrender?“
“Mercy…Mer… Mercy! Okay, okay… I surrender!“
Zack flopped to the bottom beside him. A self-contented smile framed his profile from Cloud’s point of view. The setting sun giving him a golden, ethereal glow. Cloud was holding his ribs and had to continue giggling. This scene was somehow the most ridiculous he had ever been in. The breadrolls were somehow already forgotten.
“I already said it once, but you‘re such a dork!“ Cloud gave Zack‘s knee a little shove and kept smiling at him. Zack looked at him in return with the fondest expression Cloud believed was humanly possible. Then he laid a hand on Cloud’s head and ruffled his hair. It was something Cloud was not used to, but he enjoyed it to the fullest nontheless. Somehow he knew he had to keep this memory in a very special place in his heart. That the gesture was something precious that would from now on ultimately been linked to Zack. Nobody else would dare doing that and he wasn’t sure he would ever be able to let somebody else invade his personal space in that way with such ease.
“I‘m happy to see you happy,“ Zack‘s eyes glowed in the setting sun the brightest of green.
Cloud furrowed his brows and threw a questioning look towards Zack.
“Well, ever since you‘re here you look… miserable,“ Zack sighed. He let his head drop and stared at his hands. It was obvious that he had been worried the whole time. “I really had hoped to lift your spirits somehow… Because honestly? I like your face even more when you’re not grumpy-Cloud all day long.“ And because Zack really couldn’t keep a situation dead-serious he added, “The way you look now, you really are a sight for sore eyes.“
Cloud got up to sit beside Zack.
“Dork. Like I said.“
Then he let his head drop against Zack‘s shoulder. Zack may have the ability to say things like they were in good fun but had an underlying truth that often was spot on. And he was right. So Cloud couldn‘t be mad about anything Zack had said, even if he had wanted to be.
Being tousled and dirty sitting here with Zack wasn‘t all that bad after all.
“Thank you.“
“You‘re welcome… Spikey.“
And this time Cloud let it be. Let it fill his heart and let him smile to himself. In secret and only to himself. That special place was well deserved after all.
//…// END FLASHBACK //…//
And Zack had been right. Until that day, Cloud‘s time at Shinra hadn’t been a very joyful adventure. All the hardships he had had to endure, all the training, the psychological pressure and first and foremost the other grunts. They had been cutting him dead at first. And he himself hadn’t been completely unblamable for that. He had been loathing them in the beginning. Just because he had believed to be any different from them and had felt special for that alone. Only because he had been dreaming of joining Shinra since he could remember. To prove to the people of Nibelheim that he could make SOLDIER and become a hero and to keep his promise that he had made to Tifa. And he had believed that they had none of that. But Zack had made him come down from the high horse of his.
“They gonna be your comrades soon, Spikey. True, many of them are here, because Shinra promises a stable income. They had no other chance than to come here. Their parents are poor, most of them living in the slums and can’t afford another mouth to feed. That’s why they came here in the first place. Out of despair, for a fair chance of having something to eat everyday, not because out of passion. Which doesn’t make them less important. And you treat them like second-class people. So you really wonder why they can’t stand your attitude? All of us are the same here. You really need to understand that. In the future you may need help of one of those you loath so much when you’re on a field mission. Don’t you think?“ After that he just had given him his silent and piercing glance. Cloud had looked into those pools of Mako which only conveyed solid certainty and he had gotten what Zack had wanted him to understand. Shame had risen in him hotly and he had just nodded.
That lesson had stayed with him ever since. The one Zack had given him mere two days after their return from Modeoheim where they first had met. That had been the night on the Shinrabuilding where they had spoken the whole night through.
Cloud’s core cramped with pain at the thought of it. All memories he had of Zack made him sad at the moment. He just wanted his best friend back. He wanted everything concerning him back. His pieces of advice, big or small, his lectures, that got his head straight again when needed to, his laughter, his smile, that he had always woken him with his high spirits in the morning, his boisterous drive and sheer exhaustless optimism, the banters and tauntings, to know that he could always talk to him about all odds and ends, that Zack could always get a smile out of Cloud, where everybody else would have failed greatly and that with him the world apparently didn’t even know about things like atrocity or sadness…What Cloud would give for one last day with him, getting called “Spikey“ one last time, which was an exclusive for Zack…
“Gaia speaking to Clouhoud. Anybody there?“
Cloud startled out of his absentmindedness. Denzel waved both of his hands in front of Cloud‘s face and looked at him askingly.
“Sorry, got lost in thought,“ he scratched the back of his head. “You were saying?“
“It was me,“ Marlene chipped in, “I wanted to know if we go somewhere today, since it’s the weekend and Daddy won’t come home the next couple of days.“
She was beaming at him. They obviously came up with that idea in order to cheer him up and get his thoughts off of whatever they thought he had on his mind. That he was that lost in thought right now must had been much more proof to them that something like a little getaway was more than necessary.
Tifa examined him very carefully. He looked back silently. Then he turned to both of the kids.
“Well actually I already had plans for myself,“ Cloud said. Denzel and Marlene were looking at each other deeply disappointed. Probably they really had hoped for helping him with their suggestion. Tifa’s shoulders just sagged an inch but she tried to keep her composure. „But when I come to think of it you could just join me. If you like to.“
As fast as they had looked disappointed as fast their faces lit up with excitement in an instand. Tifa’s face showed a content smile and she nodded lightly.
“Where will we be going?“ Marlene asked a few minutes later.
“To a very special place for me,“ Cloud answered.
//…// FLASHBACK //…//
“Okay, spill.“
Zack sat across Cloud, arms crossed in front of his chest, eyebrows nearly vanishing in his hairline.
They were sitting in Zack‘s room on his couch. It was their movie night. “Our weekly date“ how Zack called it. Somewhere along the way it just came to be. First occassionally, then it had become a fixed day once a week unless one or both of them were on a mission. It was a nice thing, something to look forward to during their draining weeks. And now they sat across each other on the same couch, Cloud just settled in after the last training of the day. His whole body hurt. He was glad that he finally was with someone he felt safe with… But he wouldn’t tell that to Zack. It was nothing he should have to worry about. But his demand and something in his appearance this day gave him a ‘no-bullshit‘ attitude.
“What…?“ He felt like a child being caught red-handed with his hand in the cookie jar.
“Come on, Spikey. Don‘t you play dumb on me.“
“I really don‘t know what you mean.“ He tried an appeasing smile.
“Really?! You’re coming here for the umpteenth time all bruised up, not telling me anything concrete about your day anymore and you really think I’m not getting that something’s wrong? Maybe I’m a little slow every now and then but… I do get that you are acting very weirdly these last few weeks. So. Spill.“ Zack looked at him expectantly. Cloud had to look away. He just couldn’t stand those eyes right now.
“It’s nothing… Really… Just the training, that’s all. I was a little slack off the last few weeks. That’s all the bruises.“
He kept his eyes away from Zack’s face. Cloud knew that he wasn’t believing a word he said. Zack was having non of it. Cloud could feel it. But telling Zack the truth… was petrifying. He had tried so hard to let nothing slip, tried to be as vague as possible about his days, so that Zack wouldn’t know what happened. But as he could see now he had failed greatly with doing so. It had possibly been the worst thing he could have done, with Zack seeing right through his attempt at a gigantic charade. He became angry with himself that he let Zack notice that something was not right. He clenched his fists, shaking with anger. Anger mixed with fear and shame.
Zack’s face appeared in his line of sight. He had dropped to the floor in front of Cloud.
“Cloud… Doesn’t matter what it is… I’d really like to know what’s going on. Because I’m really worried. Really,“ Zack said smoothly. “I see how troubled you are and how you are claming up. Something’s not right and I can feel it. I want to help you, to talk to you about the stuff that’s bothering you. You do know you can talk to me about anything, don’t you? But if you really can’t talk about it… I’ll let it go. I won’t push you. I’ll be there for you either way, okay?“
Cloud wasn‘t really sure what got him talking in the end. Maybe it was that look in Zack‘s eyes, that just showed affection, reassurance, worry and the feeling he really would be there either way. Maybe it was the use of just „Cloud“ that made it all the clearer how serious Zack was on this matter. No nickname, no goofy one-liner at the end. Maybe it was a mixture of all of that. Didn’t matter, something had gotten him there.
“It’s… the other grunts,“ Cloud squeezed out between gritted teeth, a deep sigh following it.
“Wh..What? Why?“
“It‘s…,“ Cloud faltered, “…this,“ he added making a gesture between the two of them.
Now that he got it out, Cloud felt more of the shame bubble in his stomach. Zack’s bewildered face just confirmed his original intention of not say anything.
“Woah… Woah! Wait a minute!“ Zack ran both his hands over his face, presumably in order to come to terms with what Cloud had just revealed to him. He shook his head. “I don’t get it. How the HELL can our friendship be the reason for…,“he was at a loss of words, “that,“ he settled with gesturing towards Cloud’s bruised face.
“It’s because they say I would get special treatment because we’re friends. That I don’t have to take on so many lousy missions as they have to-“
“Bullshit!“ Zack got to his feet in an instant “You get no special treatment whatsoever. You tell me they’re beating the crap out of you, because they think I would be able to pass only premium missions to you?“
“Not entirely,“ Cloud’s voice was just above a whisper, “they say I’d still think I‘d be something better than they are and…,“ Cloud had to swallow hard, bile rising in his throat. They were getting to the core of this. Why he hadn‘t want to tell Zack.
Zack was pacing the room by now, seemingly not able to sit still anymore.
“And?“ Zack graveled through gritted teeth.
“…and that the both of us obviously are the newest lovebirds of Shinra…“
Zack‘s pacing came to a quick halt. He turned so abruptely towards Cloud that the he was sure Zack had to have dislocated something in his back.
“What?!“ Zack’s eyes were narrowed with a furious glow in them. They looked like green fire.
Cloud went paler instantly. Seeing Zack in such a frenzy made Cloud… uneasy. It was a rare occasion to see Zack worked-up, but this was a whole new level. He had never seen him like this. That’s what he wanted to avoid all along. It was his fault that Zack was in this mood right now. He looked like he was short of flaying every single person in the building alive, like a pack of wolves ready for a hunt.
“Sorry… I really should have kept my mouth shut,“ Cloud sighed deeply and held his face in his hands, resting his elbows on his knees, looking down to the floor. He couldn’t stand looking at Zack.
All ferocity that had seemed to radiate from Zack’s body was gone in one puff. He came back to Cloud, flopping onto the couch beside him.
“I’m sorry, I really shouldn’t have lost my temper there. I just can’t wrap my head around this. But none of this is your fault… You were absolutely right by telling me.“
“I‘m not so sure of that, though…“
“Why would you say something like this? Don‘t you trust me?“ Zack sounded outright hurt.
“I… I do trust you,“ Cloud was talking to his feet, still looking down and struggling with his words, “but… they said if I told anybody anything and try to act against them they would feed this nasty crap to the whole company…Bringing both of us down. That‘s why I…,“ he sighed with rattling breath, barely holding his bearing, “didn‘t tell you.“
„I see.“ Cloud sensed Zack’s hand inches above his back, hovering over it, hesitant to make contact. He withdrew. “But what’s the plan now?“
“I don’t know…“ Cloud admitted, swallowing hard. He didn’t like that Zack hadn’t made the contact. Something felt off. It was so not Zack to backtrack from something as innocent as a pat on the back. Maybe Cloud had hit a sore spot with the accusations of the others that made Zack hurt. Or he feared for his position, to get discharged. Which Cloud could understand. That was why he had hold his tongue in the first place. He had wanted to avoid getting Zack in a position to cut him loose in order to keep his dignity. He didn’t want to think about Zack leaving him. That had been his worst nightmare for the last weeks since shit had hit the fan… He swallowed once again. It was already harder than last time to get around the lump in his thorat.
And then…
“So being friends with a SOLDIER 1st class doesn‘t seem to be much of a benefit in my eyes,“ Zack stated. There were no emotions shining through. It was just a statement. Was that his way of saying he wouldn‘t be friends with Cloud anymore because of the nasty stuff the others alleged, burning his reputation basically to the ground. It was a horrific prospect. Cloud didn’t want to lose his best friend. Everything seemed to well up in his inside, swallowing him whole. No way this was happening. He knew he should have kept his mouth shut! Tears of fear an anger blinded his sight. He didn’t want this to end. It was the best thing he had ever had.
“So if you don’t want to be friends anymore, I won’t be mad. I’d understand.“
Oh. So it was more like Zack wanted to let Cloud ‘off the hook’.
“No,“ Cloud said, raising and turning his head to Zack at last to look him in the eye. They sparkled a little bit, too, and it was not the Mako. If this was his last chance of saving their friendship he would fight with all he got, even if it meant spilling his deepest feelings here. “I don’t know how we’re gonna work this out, but I won’t let this end like this. Because I…,“ and now he really couldn’t hold back the tears stinging in his eyes. His supressed emotions of the last weeks making their way up and finally getting out. And if he was willing to spill everything that was on his mind he could let the tears spill out as well, “…I love you! Well…,“ he gave a little apologetic smile, “not in that way, but… I still do. You‘re my role model concerning so many aspects of my life, you‘re like a big brother I never had and my first ever best friend. You‘re the best thing that could have happened to me. And above all…,“he exhaled with a shudder, “…the last person I would want to leave me.“
He was shaking uncontrollably, his emotions getting a hold of him. He wasn’t able to put a stopper on them anymore. They were rapidly welling up inside of him, ripping him away like a tidal wave. It was too much. Imagining Zack gone was the worst. Feeling. Ever.
Even after getting out that that would be the last thing he would want to happen, the image of it didn‘t go away. After weeks of imagining that could be the outcome of this shitty situation it had burned itself to his inner eye. Following him everywhere, everytime, because it had been the most horrible thing he could have thought of. And could still think of.
Breathing became hard. Harder than it should have been. He couldn’t breathe properly. Like something was cording up his chest, making it impossible to get a full breath of air. Fear was taking over. Panic.
It was just him, his panic, his tears and his stuttering breathing.
And then Zack was there.
He took Cloud into his arms. And it felt like the most important embrace they ever shared. Of course they had done it before, but always casually, in a relaxed manner. An encouraging one here and there but nothing overly dramatic. Something like this here and now had never happened before. It had felt like their friendship had been on trial for the first time. At least to him. This hug now felt like a validation.
Zack was holding Cloud’s trembling body firmly against his. He had one hand in Cloud’s hair, stroking it gently, the other arm he had slung around Cloud’s back.
“I won’t. I won’t ever leave you. I promise.“
Cloud clang to him like to a lifeline, his breathing still out of control, tripping over itself.
“I‘m here, Cloud… I won‘t leave… I‘m staying right here,“ Zack mumbled into Cloud‘s hair, “but you really have to breathe now, okay? You‘re having kind of a panic attack - that‘s okay, you hear me? We get through that together, all right? I‘m here to help you…,“ Zack‘s steady flow of words helped anchoring himself a little bit. He had a calm demeanor, which helped additionally. “We‘ll just breath together, okay? Good… In. … Out. … In. … Out.“
At first it was hard to slow down his panting and line it up with Zack‘s breathing, but slowly he got there. The panik ebbing down piece by piece along his decrease of labored breathing.
“Okay, great. You‘re good there… Go on.“
Cloud sighed shakily, his head still buried in the crook of Zack‘s neck.
“You good?“
Cloud nodded a ‘yes‘.
Zack made a relieved sound an mumbled, “I‘m gonna lay down, you okay with that?“
“Yeah,“ Cloud slurred. He was exhausted from his breakdown and was glad about the prospect of lying down.
Zack flopped back to the couch, dragging Cloud with him, squirming around a bit until both of them lay on their sides.
They lay there some time, Zack still stroking Cloud‘s hair, both relishing the content silence in the room and the presence of one another.
The calm after the storm, Cloud thought. It was nice. That feeling of acceptance that was flowing between them. That had to be the feeling of ‘home‘. Cloud had never had felt it to the full extent, but that here, with his best friend, had to be it. What more was to come?
“So… not in that way, eh?“ Zack murmured beside him.
“Wishful thinking?“ Cloud chuckled. “But no. It’s just like I said.“ There was a short break after which he added „You‘d mind them saying stuff like that?“
“‘Course not. It‘s not true, so screw ‘em. But even if it would be… it wouldn’t matter. Not one little bit. Because you’re not the only one that has found the best thing that could have happened to him.“
“Zack… I…,“ Cloud sighed. He wanted to explain his meltdown but Zack got the drop on the topic.
“That‘s why you lost it there for a minute? You really thought I would cut you loose because of some stupid gossip?“
“Well… Yeah,“ he admitted. “I was scared of you leaving me. A few weeks with that crap on my mind and dealing with it alone drove me… nuts.“
“Huh,“ Zack huffed. “Next time… Just talk to me about stuff, okay? I know I‘m a goof sometimes, but I don‘t want to be your friend only if things are going smoothly, you know? I want to also be at your side if things get rough. And whatever’s going to bug you in the future, big or small, I want you to know, that I’ll be with you. If you can‘t tell me what it is, I’ll be there either way. But… if things are concerning the both of us… like this right here… I don‘t want to be left in the dark. This affects me as well, so I‘d like to have a saying in how we‘re gonna work things out. Together. You okay with that?“
Wow. Cloud had alway known that he could trust Zack. But hearing this enforced it in a different way. Demonstrating with his words how much Zack cared about their friendship. It meant the world to Cloud. It made him feel safe. Accepted. And loved. But he also felt a little dumb for not acknowledging Zack‘s part in this big shit show that had happened to him. How disrespectful it was towards Zack that Cloud had made the calls in this situation all by himself. He could really kick himself right now. But he wanted to do better than that in the future.
“Got it. Sorry I messed up so badly,“ he said and pressed his face deeper in Zack‘s warm chest.
“It‘s alright, no harm done.“ Zack hold him an inch tighter and buried his cheek in Cloud‘s hair. “Do you? Mind it, I mean…“
Cloud puffed a little air through his nose. “Not the slightest. I have no reputation to lose whatsoever. I was just worried over you. Whiz kid of Shinra. But hence you don’t mind… ‘Screw ‘em‘.“
“Okay then… If they‘re gonna pull through with this BS, then we‘ll just be the most straight lovey-doveys all of Midgar has ever seen. Easy as that and problem solved, don‘t you think?“
“You‘re still a dork,“ Cloud snorted.
“But one you love, so I‘m okay with that.“
Yeah, that was right. The best one Cloud could imagine.
//…// END FLASHBACK //…//
Cloud stopped the car. Shut down the engine. Pulled the keys out of the ignition. And clenched to the steering wheel. He inhaled and exhaled shakily. Repeated that a few times. He had supressed his nervousness during the ride. But now it got to him with all the more impact. His hands were sweaty and he got dizzy. His line of sight goot blurry at the brim.
Help me…
//Don‘t you give up now!//
He could almost feel Zack‘s grin at the back of his neck. And he was right. He had a mission to accomplish and couldn’t afford giving up.
He slowly got out of the car with shaking legs. Marlene and Denzel followed his lead and ran past him and around the boulder where he had parked the car behind. Cloud and Tifa were shortly behind them. Suddenly Marlene and Denzel seemed to be frozen to the ground.
Cloud swallowed. Hard. Tifa lay a hand on his shoulder and squeezed it lightly.
“You can to it. For the both of you.“
//…// „For the.. both of us“ //…//
And Cloud bridged the gap between himself and the kids, standing in between. Marlene clenched to his thigh. Her face was buried in his pants. Denzel on the other hand looked up to him. “Is that somebody‘s… grave?“
Cloud had to swallow hardly again to get rid of the lump in his throat that made it all the harder to breath evenly. He lay a hand on Marlene‘s and Denzel‘s head. And shook his own. A wistful smile on his face.
“No. A hero was born here.“
//…// FLASHBACK //…//
“Zack…?“
“Hmm, what‘s up, Spikey?“
“What‘s your dream?“
“My dream…,“ Zack smiled, “…my dream is to become a hero!“
Both of them lay on the rooftop of the training facilities. It was long after dinner and all others were long gone from that part of the building. There they were, alone and stargazing. Cloud turned from his back on his side, propping his hand under his face. He looked at Zack who was still lying on his back, eyes closed and smiling lost in thought.
You’ve got no idea that you are already one. To me… Cloud was short of speaking his thoughts aloud, but stopped himself from it. That would sound either pathetic or daft. Instead he said, “You will. Certainly!“
“Hell yeah, what else?“ Zack turned around, grin spread over his entire face. His eyes showed pure optimism and the starlight let his eyes glow. “Nothing and nobody can stop me!“
Cloud could only admire this resilience.
“You’re impossible, do you even know that?“ Cloud had to laugh out loud. It was always the same. Even in the most improbable situation Zack managed to coax a laugh out of Cloud.
“You don’t know me any differently, Spikey. That’s why you love me so much,“ Zack winked at Cloud.
Cloud gave Zack a slight shove against his shoulder so that Zack landed on his back again.
“Like I said… impossible!“ with a resigning shake of his head and an overdramatic sigh Cloud let himself drop onto Zack‘s shoulder. Zack put one of his hands on Cloud’s head and burrowed his face in Cloud’s hair.
“Love you, too, Spikey!“
//…// END FLASHBACK //…//
Everything still looked the same. Exactly like the last time he had come here. And everytime before that. The Bustersword was still where he had left it. A silent reminder. Omnispresent. ‘I’ve brought you your sword back,‘ Cloud had said as he had pushed the so beloved sword of his friend into the dust. He had felt like it had to belong with Zack, himself being unable to wield it even one more time. It would feel like a betrayal.
The scenery pulled at his heartstrings.
On a more rational side of thinking it was a short amount of time since Zack’s last stand but for Cloud it felt like a lifetime and reverse.
Would it get any easier somewhere along the way? He didn‘t know. He hoped for it on one hand since the grief was still suffocating. And he wanted it to stop. Because it hurt too much. There was no way he could ever make up for anything Zack had done for him. Right here. Knowing he was never coming back. But on the other hand he was horribly afraid of the prospect of the pain slumbering away. He didn’t want it to get any easier since he feared Zack’s death woud become any less meaningful in the process. That he would slowly leave Cloud’s present mind, hide somewhere deep in his thoughts until he was a mere whisper, a story from a long time ago that he no longer could remeber. That his voice, his face, his stories, his… everything would vanish into nothing. That his legacy would wither to dust.
No, Cloud wanted to prevail that outcome. It was the reason he wasn‘t alone today.
I hope you don‘t mind the company?
“You said this place is special to you. Why so?“ Marlene asked.
Cloud kneeled between both kids and looked at Marlene. “Because it‘s the truth. Because here… five years ago my best friend died. He died protecting me so I could live.“
Intentionally he had wanted to wrap it a little more nicely for Marlene and Denzel, but he couldn’t. Like always he wasn’t the best with words. Both of them looked at him, eyes as big as saucers and mouths gaping. Tifa sat down beside them, came to his rescue, because she was the one that was good with the words.
“Maybe you can talk about the great stuff about him? How you came to know each other, what a person he was and what that has to do with why that wonderful journey you two had ended the way it did?“
He nodded, mouthed a thank you to Tifa and said to Denzel and Marlene, “But only if you really want to hear it.“
“Sure thing!“ Denzel exclaimed.
“Yeah, pretty please,“ Marlene added with that sweet smile of hers.
They all sat in front of the Bustersword. Cloud tried to gather his thoughts and how to begin the story. He decided to start at the very beginning.
“Well, his name is Zack Fair. I got to know him during my time at Shinra. We were on a mission to Modeoheim together. On the way there the helicopter we were in crashed. So we had to walk the rest of the way, everyone else fell behind, because they weren‘t used to the terrain. There we bonded over being both ‘country boys’, since Zack is from Gongaga, or how Zack had phrased it ‘backwater experts’.“ Even after all those years Cloud had to laugh out loud at the ridiculousness of that. The others were chiming in with his laughter. “He was SOLDIER 1st class already, everybody knowing his name. He had come to Shinra at the age of 13, flying up the ranks in no time. A real whiz kid. Shinra’s flagship regarding their military training. And I was just a trooper. I was intimidated at first, being on a mission with a SOLDIER 1st class, that everybody at the company was in awe with. But he was so easy-going, nothing like I would have imagined. He just treated everybody as an equal, no attitude whatsoever. None at all. Nice to everyone and easy to connect with. Always worrying about everybody elses well-being.
But at the same time he was gawky, clumsy and the most lovely dork I ever met. Never short of a stupid joke and alway in good spirits.
He was the kind of guy who had been really determined when it came to his dreams, so sure of himself and what he could do, but in the most positive and inspiring way. It spread like a disease,“ Cloud smiled reminiscently. “I think he had infected me as well…,“ a chuckle rippled it’s way up his throat. “We became best friends in no time - we were inseperable. ‘The most straight lovey-doveys all of Midgar has ever seen’ he called us sometimes…“
Now it was Marlene’s and Denzel’s turn to snigger behind their hands. Zack would have loved that reaction.
“He really sounds like a fun guy,“ Denzel giggled.
“Yeah, he really was. And upon all we could talk about everything. We were dreaming about our future. His first and foremost dream was to become a hero. To help those who needed aid, to protect everybody that needed protection, uphold his honor no matter the cost. Well… he got there in the end, if unfortunately on the saddest of notes. Because he became my hero, he protected me against long odds and succeeded.
Never was there ever someone I feel so connected to. It were the happiest days I ever had. I‘ve learned so much from Zack, not only concerning Shinra-stuff. No, it was mostly matters concerning my personal life. I broke down barriers of my own, knowing he’d have my back. I grew so much as a person.“
He felt somewhat drained. Speaking as much as he did right now wasn‘t something he was used to. But it was important to him, to hit home. To get his message straight. To do this right. For the both of them. And for that purpose he was willing to break his boundaries.
It had been so easy back then. With Zack by his side it had been so much easier.
“I had the feeling we were invincible together, unstoppable. But then the day came we had to leave for the mission in Nibelheim. I hid myself behind that stupid trooper-helmet. I was too ashamed to come back to my hometown without having made SOLDIER, like I had nagged everybody in town for years. And I had promised Tifa back then. To make it to be able to protect her. That day we arrived she also met Zack.“
Tifa nodded, “That’s right. And everything Cloud has told you about Zack is true. I wasn‘t able to get to know him well, but he was such a good guy. And selfless to no end. A true hero, not just one of those poster-boys you know from the movies… Even though he would have had the looks for it,“ she gave them a wink alongside an impish grin.
Yeah, that would have pleased Zack, Cloud was sure of. You were such a dork around girls, he thought, remembering everytime the girls flocked around him, all wooing to no end. Cloud shook his head and snored.
“After Sephiroth had set the whole town on fire he tried to safe me…,“ Tifa faltered as if she wanted to add something but somehow seemed to have changed her mind in the middle of the sentence. She just went with, “and nearly got himsellf killled. Cloud defeated Sephiroth, but…“
“…Zack and I got injured severely. Shinra found us. They thought we were close to death so they gave permission to Hojo to take us for his experiments. Four years… Four years we where in his lab…“
Marlene clasped her hands before her mouth. “Four years?“ she asked shakily. “That must have been horrible…,“ her voice sounded laboured.
“It was… but I was the lucky one. I wasn`t really… awake the whole time. Yet I think Zack was. Because one day he was able to get us out of there. Then he tried to get back to Midgar, to Aerith I think-“
“They knew each other?“ Marlene asked excitedly.
“Yeah, they were good friends.“
“Hmmm…,“ Marlene had a brooding expression on her face.
“What is it?“ Cloud tilted his head to look her in the eye.
“Umh…nothing,“ she made a gesture with one of her hands as if she wanted to get rid of a fly, “go on, please?“
Cloud could only wonder which wheels in that little smart head of hers where turning so he complied to her wish to go on with his story.
“He dragged my sorry ass-“
“Language! We‘re still kids, dummy!“ Marlene had this scolding look on her face which reminded him an awful lot of Tifa. Pout, eyesbrows knitted seriously, even the lifted index. It was a perfect picture.
“Sorry,“ he had to surpress a smile but couldn`t manage it to the full extend. He scratched the back of his head. “So, he dragged me along for a ten months. All over Midgar, just avoiding Shinra, who where hot on our heels. I don‘t know very much about that time. I suffered from severe makopoisoning due all the experiments. I was only in a haze, barely could use my own feet to stumble beside Zack wherever he dragged me. It must have been very depressing for him, I think…“
“Because you think he felt alone?“ Tifa asked, voice all sympathetic.
“Yeah…,“ Cloud sighed submissively, “being all by himself, just his comatose best friend to talk to… What a great ride that must have been.“ Cloud grimaced, coudn‘t hold back the cynicism. Tears stung in his eyes. These thoughts were deeply depressing, he had barely allowed them to himself in the past. Zack, always a people’s person, all alone, almost a whole year, no one to talk to except Cloud who couldn’t even remeber the biggest chunk of their journey. He still couldn’t wrap his head around how Zack was able to pull through that shit-show.
“Maybe you were the only reason he kept going,“ Denzel said matter-of-factly. “It may have been hard, beeing basically alone, but he still had the prospect of you getting better eventually. Something worth fighting for. If it hadn’t been for you he maybe had resigned long before… well.“
Marlene took his hand and squeezed it softly. It gave him the strength to go on.
“Maybe… I hope it did… One day I do remember, though. We were at the back of a pick-up, Zack rambling about how the both of us could be mercanarys once we got to Midgar. Suddenly there was shooting. The car pulled over. Everthing happened so quickly… Zack got me to safety behind those rocks,“ he pointed his thumb to the boulders behind his back, “and then… He ruffled my hair like he always had. That must have woken my spirits somehow. I saw him leave but couldn’t move. I just heard the noises… of the fighting. I… really don’t know how long I had to listen to those sounds...,“ Cloud shivered. It had been horrible. He had to sit there, couldn’t move, could just hear. Unable to help his best friend in the most dreadful situation of his life. “It was… horribly long. After all Shinra had sent a whole legion after the two of us-“
“WHAT?!“ Denzel’s eyes were wide with disbelief. “6.000 against one? Were they out of their minds?“
“Probably. Nonetheless Shinra did know who they had sent the army after. And Zack had lived up to the SOLDIER reputation and the saying that one 1st was worth an army on it’s own… He nearly made it. But he was too exhausted, too worn out to begin with…“
“Who could blame him?“ Denzel murmured, “but that he almost made it… He must have been really strong.“
“And determined to safe you, Cloud!“ Marlene chimed in.
Cloud nodded absentmindedly. The thought that they had been so close to Midgar, that Zack had been so close to reunite with Aerith stung deeply in his heart.
“After the fight I could finally drag myself around the corner of the rocks… and I… I found Zack… lying at this exact spot… in the rain…,“ he could basically still smell the mixture of mud, blood and mako. Feel the drenching of his pants due to the soaking ground beneath his legs. “‘You are…my living… legacy’ he had said to me and with his last strength he had handed me his sword.“
“That one?“ Marlene asked and nodded towards the Bustersword.
“…Yeah…,“ Cloud’s voice sounded choked and it trailed of. His throat and his eyes were burning.
Silence.
Then.
“You do miss him dearly, don’t you?“ Marlene asked with her big eyes burning through his.
“With all my heart.“
“You really can tell that. The way you speak of him. And I do get, why you‘re sad… but, Cloud? I also do think, Zack wouldn’t want you to be,“ Marlene stated encouragingly.
“But… but how could I not be? I told him I would never forget him. But I did anyway! Wandering around, making his life mine, his story my own. What kind of friend am I then?“ Despair took over his voice.
“A very good one,“ Tifa said and looked at him sincerely. “And now you do remeber, don’t you? And still love him. And still uphold his legacy.“
“Yeah, but… I’m scared of…,“ Cloud inhaled deeply, at the verge of tears. He was shaking. Admitting to his greatest fear was… scary, “forgetting him again. His deeds withering away and everything else that’s connected to him. I’m afraid to… forget again how his voice had sounded like. Forget how it had sounded when he barked out with laughter, how he… looked like. That everything’s getting less important as time goes by. And I don’t want that to happen, because… It’s too important to forget. We wouldn’t stand here together if it hadn’t been for him. Everything I hold dear now. I have it because of him… Imagining all gone is… is…,“ he couldn’t get any more words out, there were none that could describe the maelstrom of emotions inside of him.
“But isn’t that why you got us here in the first place?“ Denzel asked curiously. “You want us to help remember him. That the memory of him isn’t limited to to your mind, right? You want us to help you with that, don’t you?“
Those three were all just incredible. And Denzel really hit home with his words. They made Cloud remember why he hadn’t come here alone.
“Yeah…,“ he dragged, “I just think it doesn’t do Zack’s deed the justice it deserves if I don‘t share the sacrifice he made for my sake… It‘s a tale worth sharing, don‘t you think?“
“One condition to that though,“ Marlene said, “I don‘t want us to remember him on a sad note! I want to celebrate it, because it was a action caused by love and conviction. You still have a lot more stories to tell about Zack, I’m sure of that. And I’ll gladly hold those dear to my heart, because I want to know so much more about him and you. It just sounds like I could get to know both of you better and I’d love to do that. But as much as you have told us about him today I think he would have wanted his legacy to be something uplifting. You tell us, he is a light-hearted person, who’s looking on the bright side of life. Always. So I can’t imagine him being happy about the thought of us sulking in the corner in the remembrance of him. Daddy got me a children’s book once… One character there said ‘How lucky I am to have something that makes saying goodbye so hard‘. I kinda like the idea that that’s more like Zack’s approach towards life,“ Marlene was beaming.
Wow…She’s right, Cloud could only be astonished by Marlene’s wisdom. A knowing smile plastered Tifa’s face. So that was why she had made the suggestion to come here together. That those two probably would be able to get his head straight. He could only be more thankful for her foresight.
“Mmmh… I think he would have liked that thought,“ Cloud nodded and smiled openly.
“Hey Cloud, maybe we can tell the others as well, can‘t we?“ Denzel exclaimed. “They can help to, don‘t you think? Next year we come here and… have picnic or something! It would be great, wouldn’t it?“
This eagerness and enthusiasm… They somewhat did remind him of Zack. He had to laugh with all his heart. “Sure thing. I think Zack would like that, too. So he won’t be stuck with me all alone here.“
“Woohoo!“ Denzel bumped a fist up into the air. “But Cloud…,“ he got sincere all of a sudden, “…thank you for telling us. For telling me. I wouldn’t have known that you wouldn’t be here without him. So I have to be very grateful to him. So he’s my hero, too, you know? Not just yours. And… if it helps: I don’t think he’s mad at you, for forgetting him for a short time. It wasn’t your fault and it’s what got you here, right? He’d do it again, I think. Anytime. Because he loved you, too. Dearly. At least that’s what I got from it,“ Denzel scratched the back of his neck.
//Smart kids you got there with you// He could almost hear Zack’s amusement in his mind. His relief that Cloud finally got things right in his head.
Cloud, Marlene and Denzel were packing their waterbottles back in the car, when Cloud saw Tifa standing in front of the Bustersword.
“Hey you two… Could you wait over here? We‘ll be right back, okay?
“Gotcha!“ Both said and hopped into the back of the car.
Cloud left to go over to Tifa.
“Hey there…,“ she mumbled when he was a still some way off. He froze to the ground. “We meet at last, huu?“ Her voice was soft, just above a whisper. “I would have loved to see you a lot sooner. But you know how much of a stubborn mule Cloud sometimes can be, don’t you?“ she chuckled with a bitter sound to it.
Cloud felt uncomfortable eavesdropping on Tifa but he just couldn‘t move, too eager to know what she had to say.
“I wanted to say thank you… Thank you for looking out after Cloud. Not just at the end, you know? I mean all the time before that as well. I know he’s still hurting telling people about you, because-…,“ she sighed, “you two shared a special bond. It made him… mournful, loosing that. I think it hurts too much. But I’m sure he comes around, you know? He’s strong, even if he can’t see it himself sometimes. And I’m… sure you are such a big part of his strength. And that you‘re still looking out for him. ‘Cause that’s what you do…So thank you, again and…,“ she looked up in the sky, trembling. “I’m sorry… I’m sorry I said I’d hate you… I was so angry and… It just wasn’t your fault, I shouldn’t have lashed out on you. In my anger I couldn‘t see straight. That not everyone working there was bad. That there were good people, too. And you were good people. Probably one of the best. And you… you just… wanted to protect me and everyone else. I was awful…“
Cloud closed the distace between himself and Tifa. Lay a hand on her shoulder and squeezed lightly.
“He doesn’t blame you,“ he whispered, “I’m sure of that.“
“Hey Cloud… Sorry, I… just had to get this off my chest.“
“I know… it kinda helps, you know?“ He said with a rueful smile, “I’m speaking as an expert here.“
“Right…,“ Tifa puffed a small amount of air out of her nose.
“You good?“
She nodded. Took his hand and lay her head on his shoulder. They stood there for a while until Tifa said, "We should get back to the kids.“
She wanted to pull him with her but instead of coming along he said, “I just… need a moment, okay?“
“Sure.“
Her gaze lingered on his face when she left.
All memories of today and his past flashed before his eyes as he stood there.
“I really wish it could have gone any different, you know? That the both of us could now stand here together. I mean, physically. You are here, even more now than ever since you are gone. But I really miss it sometimes. Most of the time. But I hope that’s okay with you. Because I don’t think that will ever stop completely…“
“Cloud?“ Marlene was by his side, tugging at his pants. He hadn‘t even heard her coming. “I got an idea.“
“Yeah? Which one would that be? Some more of your child-wisdom to get my head straight again?“ he chuckled.
She laughed. “Almost,“ she admitted with a wink, “I thought of it once you told us that Zack and Aerith knew each other. Wouldn‘t it be nice to move his sword into the church? So he wouldn‘t have to be alone out here and in that way they could be together again. By the way… we all could keep an eye on in. That way it wouldn‘t get all busted up. I don‘t think he‘d fathom the way it looks right now,“ she giggled.
“Sure… you‘re right.“ Child-wisdom. Again. “He reall would give me a smack to the head if he saw how his mentor‘s sword looks like right now. And Aerith will like it, too. I‘m sure of it.“
//…// FLASHBACK //…//
Cloud still had his eyes closed. Since movie night was cancelled because of… stuff that had to be spilled, they were still lying on Zack’s couch, just enjoying the presence of one another.
“Zack?“ Cloud drawled.
“Hmm?“ Zack’s voice sounded a little sleepy.
“I really am scared, you know?“
“Of what, Spikey?“
“To be alone. If you leave me, I really am alone. I need you. I think I would go down the deep end without you…“
“I mean it, you know?“ Zack kissed his hair „Not leaving you. It‘s a promise. Don‘t ever forget it.“
“I won‘t.“
//…// END FLASHBACK //…//
~THE END~