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"Tsumu, Sho, when will you two be here? I'm freaking out, and I don't know what to do right now." I left them a voicemail. I hope that Sho and Tsumu are on their way over to my house because I don't trust myself enough to be alone right now. *Ring, ring.* That's the sound of my phone ringing! "Tsumu, Sho? Where the hell are you right now? I'm shitting myself." Silence filled the phone. "Hello?" I took the phone from my ear and looked at the caller id. It's Iwa chan.
More silence has passed by. Neither of us said a word. Why can't I say anything? Iwa chan is my childhood friend! I'm no stranger when it comes to speaking my mind, but why am I not saying anything now? Two more minutes passed of us just listening to each other's breathing. I inhale, then I exhale. "Iwa-" I was cut off. No? We spoke at the same time. "Oikawa." Has my name always sounded so melancholy?
"I don't know what to do. Please, tell me what I can do." I hate this. It's so hard for me to hear Iwa chan plead. "I want to be loved by you." *Deep breathes* "I do. I do love you, Oikawa." These words. "Believe me. I love you." I wish that were true. "But not in that way."
What happens now? "What happens now?" Haa, it is as if he read my mind. "Iwa chan, why didn't you tell me that you had a girlfriend? Or at least express to me that you liked someone?" Will his answer hurt me? Sigh, nothing could hurt worse than me telling Iwa chan that I love him and not getting an I love you back. "Would it have mattered if I expressed to you that I had feelings for someone? The outcome would have still been the same." Tsumu, Shoyo, please hurry up.
"If I had told you that I had romantic feelings for you before you got into a relationship. Would the outcome still be the same?" Dumb, Oikawa, dumb! Why would you ask this? I have to know the answer no matter how much it might hurt me. If there's just a tiny chance, I'll take it. "Are you asking me if I have or ever have harbored romantic feelings for you?" Not quite. "No, I'm asking you if I confessed first, would we be the one in a relationship together?" Please, Iwa chan. Give me hope. Just a crumb would be enough. "I don't know. I never thought about the possibility of us being romantically together. I didn't even know you liked men." I don't know, isn't a no.
"Where do we go from here?" I don't want to lose you. "Is it disgusting to know that I, who is a man, like another man who is you?" The answer will determine where we go from here. "No, of course not. Whether you like men or women is of no importance to me." No importance to you? Before I knew it, tears were trickling down my face, and my breath began to sound different. "No importance to you?" My voice trembled as I said those words. "Wait! What I meant was that your sexuality won't interfere with our friendship." Friendship. "I understand, Iwaizumi. We won't be nothing more than friends." I shouldn't have gotten my hopes up. "Oikawa--" The room is spinning, and suddenly, I can't breathe. What's happening?" "Oikawa! Oikawa! You have to breathe. Can you do that for me? Atsumu, tend to Oikawa." How much time has passed? When did those two get here? "Iwa-" Huh? Where am I right now? Just a minute ago, I was in the kitchen. "Kawa, it's me, Atsu. From what I gathered. You had a panic attack." A panic attack? "I was on the phone with Iwa chan. Where is he?" I looked over to the side of my bedroom where the window is placed and noticed it stands at night.
Wait!? My bedroom?! Why am I here right now? I sit on my bed and adjust myself. A cold compress falls from my forehead. Did I pass out? Tsumu said I had a panic attack, but why can't I remember it? "When Shoyo and I got here, you were having trouble breathing. Your hands were trembling, and you were burning up." Oh. So that's what happened. I guess my heart and head couldn't keep up with each other. It was too much. Sigh. What are we going to do about this situation?
"I was on the phone with Iwa chan before the two of you arrived. What happened with that?" Right before Tsumu could open his mouth and give me an answer. The door swung open, and there stood a boy with orange hair standing at 170.18 centimeters with a bowl of miso soup and a tall glass of shogayu.
It was Shoyo. Shoyo walked over to me and placed the food tray on my lap. He replaced the cold compress that had fallen off my head with a new one.
He sat down on the other side of me and gave me a look. "Eat this." That's the look he had on his face. I complied. He reminded me of Iwa chan whenever I would get sick. I look down at my miso soup with a gloomy expression and took a bite. It's delicious.
I look over at Shoyo, and he seems pleased with himself. Tsumu seemed quite happy to see that I was eating. I hope I didn't cause a huge scare.
Shoyo began to speak.
"Iwaizumi heard you suffering through a panic attack and insisting on coming over here. I told Iwai that isn't a great idea. He doesn't need to see you in such a state. We talked about the situation. Iwai calmed down and agreed that it would be best to distance himself from you for the time being."
Shoyo looked over at Atsumu, and Atsumu nodded his head in agreement. Who told these two that they have the right to meddle in our relationship? Iwaizumi wanted to see me! He would have been here right now if it wasn't for Shoyo stopping him. What if I never get a chance to see him soon? What if his girlfriend steals all of his time from us? I puffed my chest up. "WHO TOLD YOU THAT YOU TWO HAD A SAY IN MINE AND IWA CHAN'S RELATIONSHIP? HE WANTED TO SEE ME! WHY DID YOU STOP HIM? THAT WASN'T YOUR PLACE!" My face feels hot. Am I getting another fever? My breathing is becoming shallow, and my hands are shaking.
Shoyo looked at me with an unreadable expression on his face. Atsumu seems to understand what that expression means. He began to speak up in Shoyo's place.
"Calm down, Kawa. I understand that you are upset and that we didn't have a say to tell Iwaizumi that he can't come here. We made a decision that we thought was best for you. What if Iwaizumi did come over? Then what? He would calm you down, you would talk, and he would leave with you heartbroken on the floor."
Who are they to assume that? What if Iwa chan wanted to say something else? What if he had realized that dating that girl was a mistake? "It doesn't matter what your intentions were!" I said as I hit my chest with my free hand. I opened my mouth to speak, but instead of words. I started to gasp for air. I held my chest, and I began to feel something wet on my face. "W-Why would Iwa chan get a g-girlfriend before telling me? Was he aware of my feelings towards him?" I brought my hands towards my face and began to sob in my hands.
Atsumu began to open his mouth to say something. In an instance, Shoyo ran to my side in a flash and wrapped his arms around me. He pushed my head slightly into his chest. It was comforting.
I think what I needed was to feel the warmth of someone, whether that was Iwa chan, Shoyo, or Atsumu. I just needed to be held. "Kawa, we're sorry that we decided that without consulting you first. But it pains us to see you how you are now. I could only imagine how you would be if Iwai were here now." Atsumu took a deep breath, stood up, and wrapped his around Shoyo and me. "We love you so much, Kawa. We don't want you to continue this way. It's okay to cry, hurt, and hate us, but please don't push us away."
- - -
When I woke up again, it was 2 am. Shoyo is lying next to me on my left, sleeping peacefully with his head resting on Atsu's chest. I let out a long sigh. I cried so much that my eyes were puffy, and my throat felt dry. I decided to get out of bed and head to the kitchen to grab a glass of water. As I sat my glass down on the counter, I noticed that my phone had tons of missed message notifications. "I don't have the energy to respond to everyone." I sat down on the sofa and began scrolling through my messages when suddenly my heart began to palpitate. "Three new messages from Iwa chan ♡" I thought to myself. Should I wake up Tsumu and Shoyo? "No, no, no!" I shook my head. "Why would I need to tell them first? I can make my decisions by myself."
I opened the messages between Iwa chan and me. "Oikawa..."
To be continued.