Chapter Text
In hindsight, it was a stupid idea.
Well, in hindsight Remus could tell you one thing for sure. He wasn’t as smart as everyone tended to believe.
It was a stupid idea.
Remus knew he should have had nothing with the thing the moment Sirius brought a Time Turner to Hogwarts. Who would even think of bringing a potentially dangerous, potentially world-changing and world-threatening item to school?
Sirius Black, that’s who. Apparently, said world threatening item could open a whole new world of possibilities for all kinds of pranks.
Said Time Turner wasn’t even like the ones they saw in the pictures. Certainly, the Time Turner he found somewhere in the depths of the Black’s treasures in 12 Grimmauld Place must have been a fancy thing with decorations, inscriptions and shit. The hourglass in the middle of the thing was attached to two golden circled bands, with what looked like runes on one of them and a whole phrase on the other one.
But Sirius swore there was no danger if you’re careful. He said that he had spent all the time he had at home reading through the library, searching for information. Everything was distinctly clear. Find a Time Turner. Turn the middle part as many times as you need, each turn one hour. Go back to the past. Do not do anything to change the future. Go back to your time. Easy as that.
And Remus knew that was a stupid idea.
But he felt like dropping for some time already, okay? He felt like drowning and not having anything to save him. His friends were suspecting something about him. His studies made him anxious, even though they were near damn perfect. It was summer soon, and he didn't feel like seeing his father again. Or spending even a moment in a Ministry cell for two full moons to come.
Everything was both too much and not enough. He felt the need to slow down along with the need to find something, anything to do to occupy himself and silence the intrusive thoughts flooding his mind.
So he chose the latter. And it didn’t work out.
He spent an awful amount of time perfecting essays for all the subjects he could. He finished this term’s History of Magic project even though there were still a couple of months to spare. He cleaned their room and refolded the sweaters.
It didn’t cure everything, but it helped.
So naturally, that’s when the full moon came. Two nights ago. It wasn’t a particularly bad one, though nothing good came from the moons either. That didn’t mean, however, that he felt anywhere near great. He didn’t.
And certainly that was the day Remus was asked the questions. The Questions. He knew they would come, knew that since he first came to Hogwarts. He knew the day would come when he couldn’t hide any longer, and his friends, along with all the other students, would find out. That didn't mean, however, that Remus was ready for the day.
He hadn’t understood at first.
“Remus, you know we will always love you?” That was yesterday evening.
“Jeez, James, what got into you? I’m pretty sure I haven’t got red hair and pretty eyes since the last time I looked into the mirror.”
“Your eyes are plenty pretty, Rem.”
“Thanks, Pads, I’m not sure if poopy brown is the definition of beauty but I’ll take it.” It was a poor attempt at deflection but he tried.
Sirius gaped at him affronted but at that moment James took a lead again. “First of all, your eyes are not poopy brown, but a magnificent warm capturing chocolate brown with hint of earthy soil and specks of amber. Second of all, your beautiful eyes are not the point. You don't need to be a Lily for me to love you forever, just not like that. But I do. We all do. You are our friend and we’ll always be there for you. You don’t need to hide from us.”
“We’ll be there for you,” Peter sat on the bed next to Rems
“I… I don’t think I understand.” The problem was, he understood. There weren't a lot of secrets about Remus Lupin and there was only one they could have been talking about.”
“Remus. We noticed something.” Sure they did. How could he be foolish enough to believe they wouldn’t. He should never have made friends with them. If he hadn’t, they wouldn’t care enough to notice anything. If he hadn’t, these few years in Hogwarts would have been so, so, so much worse, he'd have had to be alone with no one out there for him. But it would hurt less then them leaving him now. Them finding out he is a monster. Them being disgusted and terrified.
“And then I talked to Lily,” Merlin, Lily too, “and a few other girls about that,” does the whole school know by now, “and read some books,” yeah, biased books full of prejudice is what we need in this situation, “on periods.”
Wait, what ?
Apparently, his face showed his confusion because James quickly continued.
“We noticed that you get sick regularly, once a month.” Remus really shouldn’t have hoped they wouldn’t notice. “And you never change in the room or swim with us.” Yeah, because he wasn’t up to showing all his scars to them. There weren't a lot of them on his face, and he could explain them with just being extremely ungraceful. “My mum gave us a talk on periods when Pads was visiting this winter, so that we weren’t like the uneducated barbarians and so that we could be understanding and helpful if whatever unfortunate girls ended up with us,” the smile on his face grew even wider. “And I know that gender is not as simple as people usually talk about it, and that not everyone is lucky enough to be born in the right body. That’s okay, Remus.”
“I- I’m a guy.” Remus wasn’t sure how they got to this point and it left him speechless.
“We know, Rem. That’s the whole point. We know you are a guy, and we know you are our friend no matter what. We love you for who you are.”
“I- I- That’s not that.” And it was the least sensible thing to say in this situation, basically confirming there was something. He left the room right after that, accompanied by James’ and Peter’s confused looks and Sirius’ inquiring eyes. He hadn’t said anything throughout the entire conversation, but his gaze was rather tellinh. He looked like he knew James had totally missed the point. He looked like he knew what the point was.
The thought was terrifying.
Remus hasn’t been back to the room until late in the night. He slid under the bed covers after midnight, but his thoughts were swirling. He willed his head to shut up and his body to fall asleep. Neither of them listened.
He spent the whole night thinking of the ways to explain everything to his friends. Then he thought about trying to actually tell them what the deal was, explain who he really was, what he really was. However nothing sounded good, nothing sounded acceptable. He changed the wording again and again, tried to start from different points, tried to make the speech shorter and longer. In the end, no matter how much he tried, the only reaction the words brought from the mental Marauders was disgust and terror.
That was the only reasonable reaction after all. Remus was different from the rest of the world. He was dangerous. No pretty words would ever disguise it into sounding good.
He couldn’t continue like that. He hadn’t slept last night, save for a couple of hours of unconscious oblivion, and not even a minute this night. He couldn’t go to the lessons like that. But at the same time, he couldn’t not go. He couldn’t explain his absence to the teachers, he couldn’t miss midterm Potions exam, and he certainly wouldn’t go unnoticed by his friends. He would need to explain that and he couldn’t.
So that was how the plan had been born.
In hindsight, it was a stupid plan.
At the moment it seemed brilliant. He was exhausted. He was already exhausted two days ago, after tiring himself with all the work he could think of just not to stay in the silence of his thoughts for one minute. He was even more exhausted after the night in the Shaking Shack, tearing himself apart with his own claws, fighting the monster under his skin. And he was almost dead after the day he had after that. Overall, not the best condition for sensible ideas.
The sun was not even beginning to show from the horizon when he got up. He quickly casted Lumos and went through his nightstand searching for the Sleep potion he kept there. Madame Pomfrey, god bless her soul, gave him it one of these days, after he mentioned that his nightmares got worse and that now he would lie for hours until sleep overcame him.
In hindsight, the plan was stupid, but not that bad. Take the potion and the Time Turner Sirius agreed to leave with him, just so that Remus could be sure they would tell him about all the potentially dangerous time travelling plans, so Remus would keep them not that disastrous. Go to the seventh floor and pass the wall three times. Get into the Room of Requirement. Turn the Time Turner eight times, get eight hours in the past, drink sleep potion and sleep.
These were a little bit of the drastic measures to do for sleeping, but Remus was beyond exhausted and he wasn’t sure he was fully himself. At this moment he would probably not even notice if his secret slept past his lips in front of the whole school. He just hoped this would make him ready to face the day.
The plan was stupid, but Remus was delirious. And it was safe. Nobody could enter the room while he was there. He would not leave the room and would not interact with anyone. This way he wouldn’t change anything and would still be ready to think of something to do now. To make a new plan.
In hindsight, he should have just pretended to be sick again and go to the Hospital Wing. His studies could take that. The Potion exam could be taken some other time. He wouldn't have Lily there to help him, but he’d manage to earn something.
He should have, but he didn’t.
And that’s how he found himself in the dark alley, Time Turner in one hand a Sleep Draught in the other.
Something went really really wrong.
The alley he ended up in was dark and damp. It made no sense for him to be there. Absolutely no sense. The humidity and the unknown surroundings woke Remus up completely but it didn’t help matters. The plan was to hide into the safe haven of the Room of Requirement for a few hours in the past, not to end up Merlin knows where and most likely, Merlin knows when. Apparition wasn’t even possible on the Hogwarts grounds, how did he manage to leave it then?
But he did.
Just as Remus was trying to think of what to do he saw the door opening further down the alley. He hid in the side alley and watched the man falling out of it.
“I’ll just have a fag and be back, don’t worry,” he screamed to whoever was inside and closed the door, leaning against the wall nearby. His voice was somewhat familiar, but Remus couldn’t place it.
Now, as he looked closer, Remus actually knew what this place was. The Leaky Cauldron and the alley it was on. Diagon Alley.
The man lit a cigarette and brought it to his mouth. Just as he puffed the smoke out, lifting his head to look at the night skies, something seemed to catch his attention and he looked to where Remus was. Remus took a step back, hiding himself further in the alley. Rationally he knew this man could not tell he did anything wrong, for all he might know Remus was just walking the streets at night. Still, it would be better not to interact with anyone here.
It’s not like he even knew when he is now.
That didn’t stop the man from smashing the cigarette under his boot and taking a couple of steps down the road. Just as Remus thought about running, the man stopped, crouching a couple of metres from the trash bin.
Remus leaned further around the corner, trying to see what was there. There had to be a reason why he ended up here, so maybe the answer was there. Or that man. Or it all was a random flick of fate, who knows.
He couldn’t see what was covered by the trash bin, but there was a streetlight lighting the man’s face now. Curly tawny hair. Big nose. Scar across his face. He was tall and skinny. That couldn’t really be-
“Hey there,” the man said, and now Remus knew why the voice sounded familiar. The voice was the same as his dad’s. Only his dad never sounded as lighthearted as the man’s when he was laughing with his friends. It never sounded as soft and gentle as the man’s right now, talking to a… kitten? Puppy? Whoever was there.
And even in the old photos dad’s hair, though sometimes unruly, was never curly. That was his mother’s feature.
Well, now Remus at least could guess where he was. Or rather when. That left the question of exactly how and why he got in the future, if it was indeed his future self.
Well, at least I’m not going to end up in a gutter a month into leaving Hogwarts, Remus thought, cause the man certainly looked older than just a graduate. Most likely.
“Where are your parents?” the man, who most likely was Remus from the future asked. Oh, so that wasn’t a baby pet then.
“Okay, you are a smart kid, aren’t you? The parents told you not to talk to strangers and that's a smart thing to do. My name is Remus.” The man just confirmed Remus’ thoughts. Huh. “I like chocolate and tea. And I am friends with a stag, can you believe that?”
Remus couldn’t hear a response, but the man smiled and answered, “That’s right, they usually only live in the forests and don’t like people, but this one really does. I call him Prongs.”
“Yeah, dogs are pretty cool too,” he said after being silent for a bit, apparently listening, and his smile widened a fraction. “Now that we are not complete strangers, would you tell me if there is an adult you know nearby? Mommy? Daddy? Granny?” The words seemed to do more harm than use, as they were quickly followed by, “Alright, alright, sorry, don’t cry.”
He took a couple of steps further and from the sounds of it, tried to make his voice even softer.
“Okay, little one. It’s really late, so what do you think if we go get something to eat and then go to bed? And we can look for your family tomorrow?”
A few moments later Remus saw a small figure slowly coming from behind the bin.
“Good, take my hand,” Remus saw himself taking the kid’s hand and in a minute both of them were gone.
Enough was enough. He had to get back to his own time.
Remus pulled the Time Turner from his pocket. He had got here turning the middle part eight times clockwise, so what he needed now was eight times counterclockwise.
Remus turned it, sparing a glance to the runes inscripted on the golden bands, and prepared himself for the drag of time and space about to pull him.
At least he’d be home after that.