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zeha and hwan wake up from the sound of cein screaming.
it wasn’t new to them, feeling the cold breeze wash over them as cein throws himself off the bed that was much too small to contain all their limbs, their fleece blanket going down with him. it’s happened countless times before but it’s been two weeks since the last time and they were as far away from the forests as they’ve ever been—they thought cein was finally free of them.
“hyung,” zeha calls for hwan as he crawls over to the foot of their bed. with his hands on his knees, leaning over the edge of their beid, he sees the image of cein he’s slowly been forgetting, his head tucked in between his knees as the nightmare worked its way through him. he glances at cein as he calls for hwan again, immediately regretting it when he sees the older divert his gaze. “do something,” he pleads.
nodding, hwan brushes the hair out of his face, his hand reaching over to zeha’s shoulder and lightly squeezing before pushing himself out of the bed. he hisses when his bare feet meet the cold floor but he takes it in stride, carefully approaching cein until he’s as close as he’s allowed in times like this.
“hey, darling,” hwan whispers, his index finger running gently across the younger’s furrowed brows, his other hand hovers over cein’s knees. “will you let hyung hold you?”
the movement of cein’s head is so timid, hwan would’ve missed it if he looked away for even just a second, but from the bed, zeha sees everything clearly. he remains at the foot of it, unblinking, afraid that if he did, he’d look back at cein and see him gone.
“hwan hyung,” zeha whispers, drawing his knees up to his own chest and holding himself close, “please, help him.”
zeha breathes out a sigh of relief once hwan’s arms are wrapped around cein, mirroring that of his own. he feels his fingers itch and he resorts to fiddling with the loose thread at the seam of his jeans. he wishes nothing more than to hold his hyung, hold cein and hwan and just never let go. he wishes nothing more than to comfort cein himself, but after the last time, he couldn’t bear to even try.
it started just like it did tonight, with cein screaming, except he didn’t push himself out of the bed, he didn’t hide—he couldn’t, not when zeha was holding him down and that was his first mistake.
“hyung,” zeha shakes cein awake trying to tear away the other’s hands that were covering his ears, “hyung, wake up!”
the moment cein does what he’s told is the moment zeha knows he’s made the biggest mistake of his life. because when cein’s eyes open, burning holes into zeha’s golden ones, he lets out a scream that rivals the one that alerted hwan and zeha of his nightmare.
it rang in the room heavily, as if it were a fifty tonne bell tolling on top of a church tower, just ringing, and ringing, and ringing.
it made zeha’s hands recoil as if he were a demon exorcised.
“hyung?” his voice was careful, silently praying that what he was thinking wasn’t right, that cein’s nightmare had nothing to do with him. but when cein shook his head, inching further away from the younger and reaching the edge of the bed, hwan took over.
just like he’s doing now. just like he’s done ever since that night.
“cein, baby, what happened?” hwan rubs his hand up and down cein’s back, the younger still refusing to speak. “we haven’t seen you like this in a while.”
and it’s true. despite nightmares coming and going since the time zeha tried to comfort cein, it hasn’t been as bad as this. not with the way cein remains unspeaking, his eyes squeezed shut but still tears are flowing freely.
zeha hates this the most. the way all he can do is sit and stare as the person he loves is in pain, crying because of something that’s beyond any of their control. he watches as teardrop after teardrop darkens the fabric by hwan’s shoulder. he watches as his hyung’s hands shake, clutching at his heart, looking so scared it'll get ripped away from him.
and zeha hates that all he can do is close his eyes. out of sight, out of mind. or at least it’s what he tells himself.
“what do you need, hm?” he hears hwan try to coax it out of cein, “tell hyung how he can make you feel better.”
zeha hears murmuring before he hears the rumple of clothes and heavy soles digging into the wooden floorboards of the cabin they’re in. it’s what makes him look again, surprised when he sees only hwan on the ground.
cein’s pacing, his hands restless as he crosses the distance from their bed to the door and back again. it’s unsettling, seeing cein like this, and only being reminded of the last time their eyes met after cein woke up from a nightmare. it’s also scary, how quiet he’s being—zeha’s gotten used to the way he’d thrash around, or cry, or rip clothing after clothing just for him to make sure that he’s safe and in one piece.
with tears brimming in his eyes out of worry and concern, zeha turns to look at hwan, his hyung already looking at him once their eyes meet.
as if reading his mind and his worries, hwan shakes his head at zeha, eyes out of focus and looking as if they’re set on the nightstand behind zeha instead of on him. not now, honey. he mouths, still shaking his head before looking back at cein, the green haired male finally stopped pacing and was instead turned to the window.
and zeha, he knows better—he does—but it’s gnawing at him, the way cein pulled away that very night, the way hwan’s looking at him right now with caution in his eyes. the way the tension in the room is thick enough to cut with a knife, and the way he knows it’s not because of cein or his nightmares, it’s because of him—the half-blood.
zeha inches further away from bed, his feet dangerously close to the edge until they’re dangling, landing with a muffled thud as he speaks, “what did you see?”
the question has cein inhaling sharply, his nightmare still playing out in his mind. he ignores the way he hears zeha’s footsteps get closer, close enough that he can smell the subtle hint of pinewood and citrus on him. still, he doesn’t move, doesn’t take his eyes away from the branches of trees outside the cabin, the ones that were now swaying in the harsh winds.
realizing there’s no getting through to cein, zeha shifts on the balls of his feet. head cocked to the side as he asks one more time but to hwan instead of cein. “what did he see?”
caught off guard with the question suddenly being directed at him, hwan jolts, “i don’t—,” he stammers but catches himself quickly. “it’s not my story to tell, zeha, and it’s probably best if you don’t know.”
“but i’m not a child, hyung! aren’t you sick of this?” zeha spits out. “of you trying to protect my feelings when cein hyung’s the one in pain?”
“zeha,” cein says sharply, silently reprimanding him for talking to their hyung the way he just did. “it’s not like that at all.”
“then what is it like?” zeha laughs, the bitter sound causing hwan to flinch and cein to finally turn and face zeha. “tell me because i’m losing my mind over here and every other time you have a nightmare. along with every fucking time you turn away from me when all i want is for you to—” his voice breaks, tears threatening to spill from his eyes. “all i want is for you to look at me and not hate me.”
“i don’t hate you.” cein ensures him instantaneously, but his back’s turning away from him again, still avoiding his eyes. “i don’t.”
“then tell me, hyung.” he asks one last time, pleading. “what did you see?”
if you loved me like you say you do, you’d tell me.
tears are freely running down zeha’s face now, he can feel it as it drops off his jaw or gets into the corners of his mouth. his throat dries with every intake of breath, a million thoughts racing through his head. he feels the air shift, his hands itching to grab hold of something and just break it, break it exactly like his heart’s breaking.
“zeha,” hwan calls out, his eyes wide as he looks at something with fear in his eyes. following the eldest’s line of sight, zeha sees his hands—hands that no longer looked like his, long sharp nails protruding out from where his blunt ones used to be. “zeha, calm down.”
“i am calm,” zeha tries to say, but his words get caught in his throat, his tears unrelenting.
all he ever did was love and love and love. why can’t his hyungs see that? why can’t they see that he loves them? why can’t they see that he’s hurting too? why can’t they just give him this?
“just, please,” zeha’s voice comes out barely above a whisper, broken and little. “i need to know.”
it strikes at hwan’s heartstrings, a bullseye that would put all the arrows he’s shot to shame. it makes him turn to cein, the smaller man already looking like he’s just as close to cracking as hwan is, but he still manages to shake his head, mouthing the words don’t hurt him any more, please.
and if the sounds of zeha’s sobs weren’t racking through his own body, hwan wouldn’t have given in. he would’ve let the rational part of his head win, he would’ve loved zeha just enough to not let him know for a few days and a few weeks more. but he loved zeha too much, just as much as he loved cein too much to hide this from zeha for as long as he had. and so he finally gives in, steeling his voice so as not to give away how much this is hurting him too.
“he said he saw you.”
the silence that overtakes them is deafening. zeha hears his heartbeat loud in his ears and if he shifts his head slightly to the left, he thinks he can hear the sound of hwan picking at his nails. cein in front of them breathes deeply, his chest rising and falling as hair falls over his eyes. zeha itches to reach over, push the green strands away and look at his hyung the way he always wants to.
but before zeha can do it, give in to the urge that feels almost primal in his head, cein beats him to it. his deep brown eyes facing zeha’s. it causes zeha to take a step back, the emotion swirling in his hyung’s eyes suddenly all too much.
still, he asks, “what do you mean?,” the final nail in his coffin. because even in the face of something he’s known to himself, the pain increases tenfold, a hundredfold, once confirmed. and like a moth drawn to a flame, zeha bares his heart out some more, asking questions that have him digging his own grave deeper, ripping his own heart to even smaller shreds.
“i saw glowing eyes, zeha. your glowing eyes—those eyes.” cein says, his voice resigned, hands pointing at zeha before letting them fall back against his side. he takes a deep breath before continuing, the reservation in his tone clear by how drastic it dropped, as well as by the nitpicking of his words so as not to hurt zeha even further. “and i know you’d say maybe i was wrong, and that maybe my nightmares are getting away from me, but i know your eyes, okay? i love them, how could i not?”
zeha approaches cein at this, lips wobbly around the words, “but it wasn’t me, hyung. i’m right here.” his hands reach up to cup cein by the cheeks. he sees his hands are back to normal but his hyung’s already turning away again. “it wasn’t me.”
cein still won’t look at zeha and zeha feels his heart break all over again. a clean cut down the middle as he sees cein squeeze his eyes shut, the same way he did earlier, the same way he always does after waking up from a nightmare.
cein nods in zeha’s hands, his tone clipped when he replies. “i know, baby, i know. but you were right here too.” he presses his index finger onto his right temple, repeatedly digging into the skin that’s still damp from the sweat. his mouth turns down at the memory, the fuzzy outlines of his nightmares unrelenting and holding its shape in his head. “you were right there when you ripped my heart out. right before i blacked out and woke up to see your wide eyes looking at me still.”
unable to contain his emotions any longer, zeha wraps his hands around cein, hwan instinctively reaching out in case cein reacts negatively. but he only tenses, leaning his head over zeha’s shoulder to look at hwan, mouthing stay with him, before sighing deeply. he lets himself be held for a few minutes, zeha’s hold on him tightening once cein wraps his arms around the younger, slowly rubbing at his back. he presses a soft kiss on the juncture between zeha’s neck and shoulder before pulling away.
“i’m going to take a walk, just to clear my head,” cein says, eyes on zeha and only him. it makes zeha tear up even further, not wanting to let go, not wanting to even blink in fear of opening his eyes to see cein ignoring them again. but he hears hwan walk towards them, arm wrapping around zeha’s waist and leaning his head down until their heads are touching. cein smiles at them, leaning forward to plant a kiss on their cheeks, the soft brush of his lips lingering a few seconds longer on zeha’s. “i’ll be back by sunrise.”
his boots fall heavily against the floor with each step and zeha just watches. the hinges on the door creak when he opens it and the heavy thud of its closing snaps zeha out of it.
“he’s going to come back, right?” zeha asks, unsure of what answer he’d receive. greedily, he wishes hwan would say yes even if he didn’t mean it.
“you underestimate him, zeha, of course he will.”
zeha closes his eyes and walks back to bed, letting his body fall onto the springy mattress. he hears hwan’s footsteps cross what little space they have between them and listens to the soft sound of their blanket being dragged against the floor, the blanket cein took down with him, and then he feels it being placed on top of him. he tries to ignore the way hwan’s voice had sounded, tries to forget the way it’s sounding more and more like he’s trying to convince himself than to comfort zeha.
“scoot over, baby,” hwan whispers, the buckles in his vest hit against each other as the bed dips under his weight. he slings a leg over zeha, arm snaking under the younger’s waist and holding him close until they’re back to chest.
“i went too far, didn’t i?” zeha mumbles, hand over his own as he clutches at his chest, silently recalling the way hwan flinched away once his claws came to view, the way cein turned away when zeha’s hands landed on his face.
zeha can hear the unsaid yes in the way hwan sighs into his nape, holding onto zeha just a little bit tighter. hwan squeezes him by the ribs, a push at his lungs willing him to breathe, still avoiding the answer zeha knows is at the tip of the older’s tongue when he says, “he’ll come back and that’s all you need to worry about.”
zeha hums in acknowledgement as he thinks about how his life had ended up—an orphan who barely survived living paycheck to paycheck until he went and fucked even that up by releasing what might as well be the world’s second coming. inevitably, just like he always does whenever cein has a nightmare, he also thinks about how maybe despite him not being the beom that killed hwan’s family or the beom that nearly mauled cein, he was still at fault.
everything wrong in their world as it is is his fault.
he’s reminded of it every time he leans in to give a kiss to either of his hyungs and they close their eyes before he can close his. he’s reminded of it every time cein screams in the middle of the night. he’s reminded of it every time hwan runs his index finger over the rings on the silver chain necklace he has on before reaching for his arrows and letting go.
he’s reminded of it even now—as hwan draws circles over the back of zeha’s hands, uncaring that his own were trembling.
“hyung,” zeha starts carefully, lips wrought up around the words. “when he looks me in the eyes, he sees a monster, doesn’t he?”
behind him, hwan tenses. his grip around the younger loosening for a second. “no, honey, of course he doesn’t.”
“you don’t have to lie to me.” zeha turns in hwan’s hold, shifting his weight up from hwan’s arm as soon as he’s happy with how he’s laid. he brings the hand he’s been cluthing since hwan settled behind him up to cradle hwan’s face. his hyung’s eyes are on him this time and he’s grateful for that, he always is whenever either of them do. but still, it hurts. still, he hates it sometimes, too. “it’s okay, hyung. i know he does because sometimes you do too.”
silence blankets over the pair. usually, zeha knows better than to make his hyungs feel bad. he knows it’s never their intention to make him feel bad about who he is—about what he is—but just like they don’t mean to make him to feel exactly how different he is from them, he doesn’t mean to feel like they’d be better off without him either.
“i’m sorry,” zeha apologizes with a shake of his head, golden strands falling against hwan’s nose. “let’s just go to sleep.”
with a sigh, zeha tilts his head up to leave a kiss on hwan’s forehead before tugging at their blanket. he pulls it over them until it’s tucked under his chin. he presses one last kiss on the tip of hwan’s nose before burying his head at the center of the older’s chest, breathing in the soft scent of pine trees and rosemary as he lets himself grab hold of the sleep that was so forcefully ripped away from all of them
—
the sound of cein breathing eases zeha out of his slumber. his hyung has a leg slung over his hip and an arm across his waist, holding him and tugging him close until his back’s flush against the front of cein’s chest. hwan in front of him seems unaware of cein’s return, his eyelashes laying flat against the freckles dusted over his cheekbones.
he’s all too aware of cein’s breath against his nape, his own breathing turning bated, taken in a staccatoed pattern as he feels the deep rise and fall of cein’s chest. he feels the weight of him over his body too much, guilt wracking up his brain as he recalls all of the events from last night. and when he sees hwan’s lips part with an intake of breath, he feels like he’s drowning from the weight of it all.
“hyung,” zeha whispers, unsure of which one he’s trying to wake. it stirs hwan a little and zeha watches as he holds his breath, anticipating the gentle flutter of hwan’s eyelashes once he blinks into reality, but it doesn’t come. instead, he snuggles closer into zeha’s chest, the youngest’s arm now tingling under the weight of his hyung.
being held so close and so tight grounds zeha, his guilt slowly slipping away as his heart softens at the act. still, he has to apologize, chip away that last bit of ugly feeling that’s going to eventually eat away at him so he tries again, louder this time, “hyung.”
he feels a deep rumble against his back, cein humming in acknowledgement that he’s heard him. as gently as he can, zeha twists his neck to see him, a particularly difficult feat as he’s trying his best not to jolt hwan awake. when he sees a tuft of green hair, he whispers, “are you awake?”
“go back to sleep, baby,” cein mumbles as he nuzzles his head into zeha’s hair even further, “hyung’s tired.”
“cein?”
the exchange of words, no matter how softly whispered, seems to have woken their eldest hyung. in seconds, hwan’s sitting up, his hand gently wiping at his eyes to get the sleep out of them. he sees zeha with his head craned towards him, shifting every second or so as he looks at cein warily. turning his attention to the youngest, he says, ”why don’t we go back to sleep, huh?”
zeha immediately shakes his head at this, already sitting up before anyone can pull him back into their warm embrace. he kicks his legs out from under him, letting his limbs tug his body towards the other end of the bed until he’s far enough to turn and face his hyungs without accidentally knocking into one of their feet.
his boyfriends look at him expectantly, cein with his elbows propped up behind him as he holds himself up on them, and hwan, who’s mirroring the way zeha’s seated with his legs crossed, is back at playing with his fingertips. it’s a habit he and zeha have been trying to get over and without a word, cein takes one of hwan’s hands in his.
the act of love—silent, unspoken love—drives zeha to the edge of the cliff even further, his doubt and guilt waiting for him to fall into them completely. but he swallows it down, takes a deep breath and ducks his head until all he can see are his hands playing with the loose thread at the rips in his jeans. “i’m sorry.”
this causes even cein to sit up, the blanket that was over them falls to the floor for the second time in one night. he scoots closer to zeha, hwan following not long after. they each take one of zeha’s hands, squeezing gently before cein lifts it to his lips, pressing a soft kiss on pink knuckles, breathing the words out into them. “what are you apologizing for?”
zeha shrugs, both cein and hwan’s hands move along with his. “i don’t know, i just felt like i should.”
hwan’s hold on his hand tightens, the grip reassuring more than anything. “honey, no. you did nothing wrong.”
“you can’t say that,” zeha says with a shake of his head. “i accused you of seeing me as a monster,” his tone glum as he shakes their hands off of his. “not that you shouldn’t. you both have reason to.”
“says who?” cein interjects, he pushes himself off the bed a little, lifting himself until he lands with his knees touching zeha’s. carefully, like zeha did earlier, he cradles the younger’s head in his hands, slowly brushing the hair away from his face, golden hair shielding golden eyes—shining beautifully as they hold cein’s own chocolate-colored ones.
with a smile tugging at the ends of his mouth, cein speaks, soft lips forming around even softer words. “when i look at you, i see a boy who loves me.” his hands trace the bridge of zeha’s nose, the younger’s eyes fluttering close at the loving touch. “a boy who has too much love he’s capable of loving two people,” cein says with a light chuckle formed out of endearment as hwan’s hands find themselves seeking solace in zeha’s shaking ones, intertwining their fingers in a heartbeat. “and i see a boy who’s fought and won, and fought and lost.” cein’s voice breaks off just a little bit as he says the word lost, sounding so much like the him right after he wakes up from a bad dream. but when zeha opens his eyes again, he meets hwan’s amber ones, gentle and loving, and cein’s even more so. “and even after that, even after all of that,” he smiles, “i still see you, the boy i love.”
and if it were any other time, any other night of sleep interrupted by just another one of cein’s dreams, zeha would’ve let his doubt be quelled. but it’s different now, harder when he knows that every time cein yells, and screams, and holds onto his thigh to make sure it’s still there, it’s him the older sees with fangs buried underneath his skin.
it’s harder too when he looks at hwan, the eldest of them all offering nothing but soft, gentle smiles as his hand holds onto the rings on the chain worn around his neck. it’s hard when he knows that even when they can look at him like this and tell him what they see is just zeha—no beom, no monster—the people he loves lost people they love because of creatures that were half of what he is.
“but i didn’t lose anything whenever i fought, you did.” zeha says, his voice small. “you both did.”
“we did,” hwan agrees, “but we have you.” there’s no sadness in his eyes as he says this. grief, yes, but never sadness. “and i’d be lying if i said it was fine—all the people i’ve lost, all the people everyone has lost—because it isn’t. but it’s easier knowing someone loves me even after that, that i get to wake up every morning knowing i have you two to hold me to sleep.”
cein nods in agreement, the movement of his green hair causes zeha to look back at him. “even though i may not show it, even when i flinch away from you after my nightmares,” zeha himself flinches at the reminder. “my heart leaps every time it sees you there whenever it happens. my mind may have fear locked in it, zeroing in on the urge to survive and telling me your eyes are a danger, but my heart?” cein’s voice drops low, almost vulnerable and if it weren’t for zeha’s heightened senses, he wouldn’t have heard the change in its timbre. “it zeroes in on more important things than surviving, zeha. it tells me to live, and i would hate to live if i can’t love you through it.”
pure unbridled love surges through zeha, his bloodstream pumps it for every beat of his heart. he wishes he could tell him he loves them, that he feels everything cein feels and so much more. but his tongue is heavy on his mouth, his own thoughts still mercilessly weighing it down.
as if sensing his apprehension, hwans rubs his thumb across the back of zeha’s hand, lingering on the knuckles that have bruised over time. “we love you, zeha. and we know you love us too.”
“but what if,” zeha hesitates, “what if it happens again?” he moves his fingers from where hwan’s holding them, turning them over and eyeing them warily as if claws would pop out at any second.
but large, veiny hands overlap their already intertwined hands. cein holding both of his boyfriends’ hands with one as he squeezes them softly. “then we’ll tell you to come back to us.” the conviction in his voice has zeha tilting his head up, hwan nodding behind cein who’s sporting a grin zeha thinks he could fall for again again—has already fallen for again and again. “you will come back to us, won’t you, cub?”
the pet name startles zeha, his body tensing as he feels his own eyes glow. he sees it in his reflection in both his hyung’s eyes. whichever one he looks at holding his reflection as they look at him and see . it’s all he’s ever wanted from them—even more than kisses and being held when he wakes up in the middle of the night—his hyungs looking at him and zeha knowing that they will love him, all of him, beom and all.
“i love you,” is all the youngest manages to get out before tears are painting streaks down his cheeks. it’s something he’s said numerous times before, something he’s heard from the two men holding him even more, but this is the first time he’s said it with all of him. reassured with the fact that all of him can love them, and they will love all of him back.
hwan swipes at zeha’s cheeks, lips curling at the way his heart feels full. “i love you too, honey.”
cein leans forward to do the same, landing a kiss on zeha’s now pink cheeks, “and i love you too.”
“now, come here,” hwan tugs at the younger ones with enough strength to knock the wind out of their chests, not even leaving them enough time to catch their breaths before pulling them into a bone-crushing hug. “my babies,” he coos, planting a kiss on the top of their heads, one after the other. “hyung’s never gonna let anything or anyone come between us. not even you. you’re the only family i have left and i plan on keeping you.”
—
and in a few days and a few weeks, the same will happen.
zeha and hwan will wake up to the sound of cein screaming, the green-haired male turning away and squeezing his eyes shut. but his hand will reach out, and zeha will watch from the foot of the bed, urging the lump in his throat to go down along with the unpleasant pinch in his heart.
but this time, after hwan’s arms are secure around cein, the smaller man’s hand will remain outstretched, eyes still closed as he says, “come here, cub. i need you to hold me in a manner those beoms never will.”