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"Oh shit."
Scourge had faced many life-or-death situations in his long, long seventeen years of life. A good half of them were his own fault, and the other half were slightly less his fault, usually because there was someone else there who'd somehow managed to fuck up even more than him and thus take on more of the blame. This situation, in his humble opinion, landed firmly in the latter category, which was why it was completely unfair that this was the most dangerous life-or-death situation he'd ever been in. The ashes from the flames were already being used to sign his death certificate.
"What the fuck did you do," Sonic whispered. His wide eyes were the only change in his expression, but they held just as much horror and fear as Scourge felt in the pit in his chest. "Scourge, you asshole, look what you've fucking done-"
"Me? You fell into it!"
"You pushed me!"
"I barely touched you! And I sure as fuck didn't push you in that direction!"
"Fuck, shut up! Help me put it out!"
"With what? There's no fucking water!"
"I don't know! Fucking... stand on the table and stamp on it!"
Normally Scourge would have protested. Normally he would have argued Sonic should be the one to put it out, since he started it in the first place. But with his heart pounding in his chest and his mind buzzing with panic, he scrambled to obey. The longer the fire burned, the more painful his death would be.
Unfortunately, Sonic apparently wasn't expecting him to do as he was told, because he also tried to climb onto the table, which was definitely not big enough for two hedgehogs. It took a lot of pushing and shoving and pinwheeling arms to find any kind of balance. And Scourge tried to stomp out the fire, he really did, but Sonic's foot came down a second later, effectively crushing his foot and drawing a pained yelp from him. He jerked away instinctively, leg tangling with Sonic's, and toppled right off the table - away from the fire, thank goodness, but pulling Sonic with him, so they crashed side by side onto the box with a "fragile - handle with care" sticker slapped on it. Something inside shattered.
"Oh fuck," Scourge choked out. He could already see the lid of his coffin closing above him. "Shit, we're dead. We're so fucking dead."
"No we're not, shut up," Sonic snapped, untangling his legs and frantically clambering onto the table once again. "Don't panic. Find out what's in that box and replace it, if we're quick we-"
"We're gonna fucking die. I'm gonna die in my shittiest glasses. Fuck, I'm going to be buried alive and my quills look like this, they've not even grown back yet-!"
"I said don't panic! Damn it, pull yourself together and help me! You want to live to see those tacky glasses you ordered? Then stop fucking panicking!"
"I don't know how to tell you this, but yelling at someone to, stop panicking, isn't going to stop them from panicking," Scourge gasped out. He clawed open the box, and his heart sank. "Fu-"
His despaired curse was rudely interrupted by Sonic, who, once he had found his stomping ineffective, had decided to jump on the fire instead. His feet went straight through the table, breaking it in half and sending both himself and the fire crashing to the ground.
"Sonuvabitch-!" Sonic rolled away from the fire - and over the right half of the table, which would be impressive if their deaths weren't hours if not minutes away - and leapt to his feet, looking at the flaming death warrant with a wild look in his eyes. A burn singed the skin and fur on his left shoulder, and with that, any plausible deniability they may have had went up in flames.
Scourge watched, frozen, as the fire ate away at their chance of survival. There had to be something they could do... find a way to smother it, maybe one of them could run to the kitchen or bathroom to get some water, fucking anything-!
They didn't get a chance. The ravenous monster in front of them crackled merrily, one last laugh at their upcoming demise, then shrank and died out, its work complete and nothing else to feed on.
Sonic and Scourge were left with the ashes and the squashed box.
"Oh shit," Sonic said softly as he stared at the remains of the hand-knitted cardigan.
"Amy's gonna kill us," Scourge said brokenly as he cradled the shards of the custom necklace in his hands. Both of Tekno's anniversary presents, gone.
"... So how would you feel about faking our deaths, running away to your dimension with new identities, and starting all over again?"
Moebius. Where everyone fought to death over land, knives in the back were common, and Rosy had a sixth sense for Sonics she could squish and would hunt them down mercilessly for the rest of their lives.
Overall, a much higher chance of survival. And Scourge did want to live to see his own one year anniversary with Sonic.
"I'll grab our shit, you open the portal, and we never speak of this again."
"Done."