Work Text:
He knocked politely on the door as she wiped down the counter. She turned her head and saw him through the glass. Shaggy hair and a beard that hid his warm eyes and smile. She walked over and unlocked the door with a smile.
“Didn’t I tell you you had to shave your beard the next time I saw you?” She asked as she let him into the small cafe.
“It’s not that bad.” He said as he stepped inside and rubbed his arms to warm himself from the cold winter air outside as she closed the door and locked it.
“Roy it looks widely unkempt and not in a good way.” She said as she brushed past him to finish stacking chairs onto their tables and he helped her.
They’d met a few months ago in a grief counseling group Riza's therapist had suggested she join after her father's death. He was the brooding guy in the corner who didn’t speak up much so she sat next to him since she didn’t want to talk either, the idea of talking about her father in a room full of people terrified her. When she eventually did speak up one day and talked about how it felt like she was living in a town full of ghosts because she’d see her father everywhere, whether it was random people that looked like him or just thinking he was still there, he struck up a conversation with her about how he felt the same way. He had lost a friend when he served in the military, Maes Hughes. From there they started to share more and more with each other and the meetings were no longer scary because he was there.
They became fast friends and would try to see each other whenever possible. Which was difficult due to their jobs, her a barista and him a chemist at a local lab. So they could only see each other during their meetings or when she was closing up. This is why for the past few weeks he’d come by and sit and talk with her as she closed the cafe.
“You know you don’t have to help me do this.” She said as she stacked the last chair on top of the table.
“But how else are you going to get it done?”
“By myself.” She said as she moved to the counter to clear out the last of the pastries which she put on a plate and handed to Roy, he was always willing to help her clean up the pastries.
“Ah but then you’re missing the point of the group.” He said as he sat on one of the two barstools she left down.
“Maybe so, but I was doing just fine before you came in.” She smiled.
He smiled back and slowly turned the plate in front of him. “Speaking of group you weren’t there yesterday, did something happen?”
She froze.
“No, nothing’s wrong.” She said as she rounded the counter with two glasses of water for them to drink and sat down next to him.
“Then why weren’t you there?”
She paused for a moment and thought over her answer. “I moved to a late-night group so I don’t have to work the graveyard shift every night.”
“I thought you liked late nights?”
“I do, but going from group therapy to a customer service job isn’t quite ideal.” She took a small sip.
“Yeah, I bet.” He ran a hand through his hair.
A silence fell over them as they ate the dry croissant in front of them.
“I was worried it was because of me.” He said finally and the pastry in her mouth turned bitter. “If it was something I said to you or… hinted at.”
Shit. She knew she’d have to do this eventually but she wanted to wait a while more, have some more memories before the abrupt goodbye.
“Not necessarily.” She said as she ran a finger along the plastic cup in front of her.
“That seems vague,” he said as he leaned his arm over the backing of the stool.
“It is…” She trailed off as she watched two drops slip down the cup. “It’s not necessarily your fault or something you said.”
I actually liked all the things you said to me. She wanted to add but held it back.
“Riza, can you just be upfront and tell me if it’s because I keep flirting with you?”
She was silent for a moment.
“Yes.” She finally said.
He shifted uncomfortably in his seat. “I’m sorry I didn’t mean to make you uncomfortable-“
“No, you didn’t make me uncomfortable. It's just…” She ran a hand through her short hair, she’d been growing it out for a few months now and it rested just against the base of her neck now. “Complicated.”
“Riza you don’t have to try and make this easier or less awkward by lying to try and soften the blow, I thought you were interested in me in… another way and you aren’t.”
“I am interested in you that way, actually.” She said as she leaned back in the chair.“As well as the more physical activities.”
Roy sputtered out his water and froze for a moment.
“If you could not give me more work to do I’d appreciate that.”
“Sorry.” He said, leaning to grab one of the rags she left out and clean up his mess.
“It’s fine, I like seeing you flustered.” She said as she looked at him again with a smile.
“So if you’re interested in me that way-“
“I am.”
“Okay, and I’m interested in you that way. What’s the problem?”
She sighed and sat up a bit.
“I talked about it with my therapist-“
“That’s never a good way to start a sentence.” He muttered.
Roy was still taking a while to open up to in therapy as well as in group. Though he was getting better he still didn’t quite like his therapist.
“I talk about you in therapy. How you helped me start to talk more in the group and how we became friends. At first, it was fine until it started to get more… intimate.” She cleared her throat as she looked at the counter to avoid looking at him while saying the next part. “That’s when my therapist started to suggest I not act on the feelings and maybe distance myself from you.”
“Why would she suggest that?”
“She’s worried I might become emotionally codependent with you.”
“Oh.”
“Yes, she said that I’m only talking to you or about you and nothing else. And said we might be shifting our grief and feelings toward each other. So we’re not healing and instead just pushing our issues into someone else.”
“So instead of moving on, we’re-”
“Just depending on each other to fill the gap.” She took a sip of water. “If it helps, I tried to fight her on it.”
“Fight her?”
“I tried to prove her wrong that it wouldn’t be like that. But she's right.”
“That’s the annoying thing about therapists, they’re usually right.”
She nodded.
“How did she convince you?”
“Well, it wasn’t that hard at first since I tried fighting her on it. And then after she finally convinced me I continued to try and say we’d be fine but then she asked a lot of questions to me to see how I would respond.”
“Like?”
“Like what if we try it and it doesn’t work, what if it does work or we date awhile but end up breaking up.”
“Do you think we’d break up?” He said in a lighter tone to break the tension.
“No, I don’t-”
“So we’d stay together then? Forever?”
“Roy it’s a bunch of hypotheticals,” She leaned her head back, laughing as she felt tears threaten to leave her eyes.
“Why does it matter?”
“Because if we get together and we ‘heal’ through each other, where does that leave the other one?”
“Well we’d be together and if nothing goes wrong-“
“ If .”
“Yes if, you’re placing too much on a maybe-“
“What if one of us dies?”
At that he stopped talking. Anyone else might say that it’s outlandish or years down the road. But they both knew how short life was and how something could take you away in the blink of an eye and from all those around you loved.
“ And if two people healed together over a death what would the death of that person do?“ She added.
“That’s… a good point.” He said as he ran his hands through his hair.
“And that’s why I switched groups.” She said, holding her arms tighter across her chest.
She really didn’t want to do this or lose him, he was the first person she felt who understood her and what she was going through.
How she had nightmares over her father or how she would see someone that looked like him and would begin to spiral about his death again. Anytime something happened to either of them it always felt like they could go to the other one for support and they’d be there.
“I should get home, it’s late.” She stood up and took their cups and plate. Throwing the last of the pastry away and leaving their dishes in the dish pit for the morning crew to deal with.
She cleaned up their mess and they left together, Roy offered to say bye at the coffee shop but she said she wanted him to walk her home, one last time.
“You don’t have to act like this is goodbye, you know. We could still just be friends.” He said as they walked with their arms looped together and her head resting against his shoulder.
“It’ll be hard since we both just said we’re attracted to each other. We aren’t going to get past it.”
“What if we could?”
“That’s another big if, sir.” She said in a slightly stern tone.
“I’m serious, what if we were still able to just be friends?”
“I would like that, but I still think it’s better to not attempt it considering my therapist is trying to wain me from you.”
“Ah, but won’t you wonder forever what could’ve been?”
She looked at him with slightly pained eyes. “I think a what-if is easier than the inevitable.”
He fell silent again as they continued the rest of the way back to her apartment in silence.
They eventually reached the front gate of her apartment, normally they’d go up and talk for a few hours before he’d leave to go home. She retracted herself from his body and sighed.
“I’d normally invite you up but…” She trailed off thinking of all the times they’d fallen asleep together watching movies. Though she knew if he came up tonight it’d be different, she wouldn’t want him to leave and he wouldn’t want to go. And one thing would lead to another and they’d end up in a worse situation than they were currently.
“No it’s fine, I get it.” He said, shoving his hands deeper into his pocket as he looked at his feet.
She turned around and started to open the metal gate but then stopped. She turned around and he gave her a puzzled look.
“Could I…” She stopped as she thought over her words. “Could I kiss you? Just once?”
It was definitely a bad idea. She knew she’d probably regret it immensely after but she just needed to have one kiss, they may never see each other again and this was what she needed. A kiss to tell her if what she felt was worth it or not.
“Yeah.” He said, his voice cracking slightly before he cleared his throat to cover it up, which made her laugh.
It was awkward at first, as he put his hands on her hips and she put her hands on his shoulders. She then leaned forward, only hoping to give him a quick kiss but when she pressed their lips together it immediately felt right. Her arms wrapped around his neck and pulled him close as he pulled her hips closer to him.
The kiss was all she hoped it would be with him, sweet and tender while also being passionate at the same time. Even the beard she despised didn’t mind her that much, besides the light scratchiness, it didn’t interfere. He walked her back toward the gate and as her back hit it she wrapped her leg around him to bring him closer.
Anytime she thought he’d pull away or she meant to something always made them come back in. They only remembered what the original goal was when the metal fence digging into her back became unbearable and ruined the moment. She pulled back and looked at him, now more than ever she wanted to open the gate and let him in. What was the worst that could happen? A one-night stand? She’d had plenty of those before so what would make this any different.
“I should go.” He said as he unwrapped himself from her body and she made a noise at the loss of warmth.
“Or you could come up?” Fuck her therapist, one night wouldn’t hurt.
He thought for a moment before he spoke. “No, one of us has to be strong here.” His eyes darted to her lips. “Unfortunately.”
She nodded and wrapped her arms around herself to help keep her warm.
“Goodnight, Riza.” It sounded like a formal goodbye instead of their usual ones.
“Goodnight, Roy.” She returned it as she turned around and opened the gate and stepped inside the yard.
“Maybe I’ll see you again one day.” He called after her.
“No promises,” she said. “But if that beard is still there the next time I see you I’ll shave it off myself.”
“Come on, it’s not that bad.”
“It is, and it’s even worse to kiss.” She opened her building door as she watched him laugh and walk away.
And it felt like her heart was shattering all over again.