Archive of Our Own

Chapter Text

It was nearly midnight when Max and Helen finally settled in for the night. After a particularly long day at the hospital, Max could tell something was troubling Helen. She was unusually quiet at dinner, but when he asked her about it, Helen told him she was just tired. With her lack of enthusiasm, Max decided it was best not to get into it. Over the years, he accepted that if Helen wanted to tell him about something, she would do so on her own terms. Max knew Helen would divulge whatever was eating her up inside when she was ready. But for some reason, Max could sense that this issue wasn’t going away anytime soon.

It had become easy for him to feel when there was tension between them. They rarely fought, and things would usually blow over quickly when they did. While Helen’s moodiness lately didn’t seem like anything major, he hated how insecure it made him. He hadn’t felt this way with Helen since they first got together. Occasionally, there would be times when they’d fight and say things they didn’t mean, but at least then, he knew what was running through her head. Right now, he felt hopeless. Of course, all Max “How can I help?” Goodwin wanted to do was to help Helen. All he needed was for her to talk to him. To clue him in on what was happening because he couldn’t help if he didn’t know what was wrong.

Helen was taking an abnormally long time in the bathroom, which had caused Max to begin pacing around their bedroom. When she finally opened the door, Helen was startled to find Max leaning against the doorframe.

“Is everything okay?” He couldn’t help but pry. It was only natural that he wanted to know what was going on with the love of his life.

“Yeah, I’m fine.” Helen nodded.

“What’s on your mind?” Max tried asking. He knew that something was bothering her.

After being friends and colleagues for years, Max assumed getting into a relationship with Helen would be easy. But things start to look a little different when you throw in a corrupt medical director, a rambunctious three-year-old, and a sick mother-in-law. Then on top of all that, the whole long-distance relationship for an entire year was another gigantic obstacle, the couple had faced.

Max would admit that staying back in New York while Helen lived in London was one of his biggest challenges. It wore him out physically and mentally, which says a lot coming from the man who ran America’s oldest public hospital while battling cancer and having other responsibilities as a single father.

Max and Helen missed each other every moment they were apart. On most occasions living in different time zones made it hard to connect. Every relationship has obstacles, but when one person is thousands of miles away, everything else seemed so mundane.

Most of all, being away from one another definitely didn’t make things any easier. So, finding ways to be close to each other emotionally helped them build upon many aspects of their relationship. Somehow learning how to carve out a specific time for the other person between their busy schedules only made them stronger. It forced them to talk about both the big and little things. This is why Helen’s unresponsiveness made Max feel a little uneasy about everything.

“Burden me.” Max desperately said, trying to invoke some sort of emotional response.

It was only then Helen realized how distant she had been this evening. When her brown eyes finally met Max’s brooding blue ones, Helen couldn’t help but feel a little guilty for being so withdrawn. Seeing the worry written all over his face, she knew it was finally time to tell him what was happening.

“Please, always...” Max added.

Helen was silent for another beat. Max could tell she was struggling to find the exact words. This is why he was a little shocked when all she said was: “It’s my mum.”

“Your mom?” Max knew that Serwa Sharpe was a lot to handle, but he felt a sense of relief that whatever was bothering her had nothing to do with him directly. But then again, anything that required Helen’s attention needed his. Max asked sincerely. “Serwa? Is she okay?”

“Yeah, remember I was supposed to have lunch with her today?” Helen said while applying moisturizer to her face.

Max didn’t answer immediately, which seemed to annoy Helen initially, but he was mesmerized by her beauty. He couldn’t help but admire all she was. Then Max proceeded to answer her once he returned to reality. “Right. So how did that go?”

“Just as I expected it to.” She said, looking at Max through the bathroom mirror. “It was hell.”

Max didn’t respond, but Helen knew by the look on his face that his silence meant he was listening and wanted her to go on. Over the years, these simple, almost meaningless cues proved helpful. They knew how to read each other’s emotions which told the other what they were thinking without actually having to say it.

“She just said something that really hurt my feelings.” Helen sighed. Max knew she was feeling defeated. Since moving to London, they agreed to family nights with Serwa, which Max knew Helen didn’t enjoy so much. Her mother could sometimes be demanding, and Max knew it was his fault Helen was feeling this way, but at the same time, he was happy that they had family nearby. But, once they moved back to New York, things with Serwa got even more complicated. It seemed that no matter what they did, nothing was good enough for her.

“I’m sorry,” Max replied, walking up to Helen and gently rubbing circles up and down her back. “I know how harsh Serwa can be.”

“Well, that’s an understatement.” Helen scoffed, turning to face him. “To be honest, I don’t even know why I try with her anymore. She’s never going to change. I moved to London to be closer to her, and then she followed us back to New York to do the same. Yet, it seems she still continues to ridicule me every chance she gets...”

“What did she say this time?” He asked in a soft voice as if he were consoling a child.

“Oh, you know, the usual. ‘Why aren’t you married yet? When are you going to have a baby?’” Helen explained. “It still seems she doesn’t understand our family dynamic.”

“So we are a family,” Max said playfully, recalling their first major fight over a year ago.

Ironically, that all happened the same day Max met Serwa. He later admitted to overstepping when it came to her relationship with Helen. While Helen reassured him that they, indeed, were a family.

“You’re going to hold that against me forever, aren’t you?” Helen said with a hint of a smile.

Max returned the gesture by pulling Helen into his warm embrace. Helen sighed as Max kissed her hair and held her protectively in his arms. She closed her eyes, taking in the scent of his aftershave.

“She just makes it so hard to have a relationship with her. If only she understood how much pain she caused me over the years.”

“I know you want a relationship with your mom, but if you’re this unhappy. Maybe it isn’t worth it.” Max suggested.

Max knew that Helen’s relationship with Serwa was different from the one he had with both his parents. After his sister died, they were so closed off, which made him feel like he had been abandoned. Max couldn’t help but think about his father, who he hadn’t spoken to in over ten years. And the last time he saw his mother was nearly four years ago at Georgia’s funeral. They barely got to know Luna, so Max allowed Georgia’s parents to be a part of their granddaughter’s life. While he didn’t get along with Calvin and Gwen, he tolerated them for the sake of his daughter.

“It’s not that simple, Max.” Helen countered, breaking him from his trance. He only nodded in agreement. There was a brief silence between them. Max knew she wanted him to say something, but he didn’t want to say the wrong thing. So he waited for Helen to speak again.

“I just feel so insecure about everything I have in my life right now because of her.”

“Like what?” Max asked genuinely when Helen didn’t continue. “Tell me, what do you feel so insecure about?”

“Being a mum,” Helen revealed. “I feel so inadequate sometimes like I’ll never be enough for Luna.”

“Babe, Luna loves you.” Max smiled adoringly. “As a matter of fact, I’m pretty sure she favors you over me. I admit sometimes it hurts a little, but I couldn’t agree more with her.”

“That’s true.” Helen smiled at the thought.

“We both know she would choose a cuddle with Mum over her Daddy any day.” Max smiled. “And I cannot blame her for that.”

“Max, you know how much I love Luna, right?” Helen began.

“Of course. I do.” Max answered. “No doubt about it.”

“And you know that no matter what, I will always love Luna just as if she were my own...”

Max knew how much Helen cherished being Luna’s mum and saw how her face lit up every time she held the little girl in her arms. But he also knew Helen would be lying if she said she didn’t want a biological child. It had been something he’d known since the very beginning.

He remembers the day she told him she wanted to have a baby. It was after a fatal turn of events back in New Amsterdam. Of course, everyone was devastated, but it was also the day the pair decided to be honest with themselves. Max about his cancer, and Helen about what she wanted in her life.

Max clearly remembered that first conversation where Helen longed to be a mother. As well as the day she found Zuhrah and thought of adopting her and the despair in her eyes when the baby’s biological father took her home. More recently, he remembers the look of adoration and love on her face when Luna called her “Mum” for the first time. The tears in her eyes and the biggest smile he’d ever seen.

Now, Max thinks he knows where this conversation is going. He understands that it might be difficult for Helen to naturally conceive a child of her own, but he would do anything for her. But, more importantly, no matter the circumstances, he would be there for her always.

“Where are you going with this?” Max asked inquisitively.

“You know how much I want to have a baby...” Helen said.

I was right. Helen wants us to start trying for a baby.

Max always knew how much Helen longed to be a mother, so her statement didn’t wholly catch him off guard at first.

“Okay,” Max affirmed. “Let’s have a baby.”

“Okay?” Helen questioned. Trying to read his response.

“If that’s what you want. We can start trying.”

“Max, that’s not—” Helen started.

“So, how can I help?” Max said almost seductively. He had that look in his eyes, the one he gave her whenever he felt frisky.

“Max...” Helen said bashfully. Knowing that right now, in Max’s mind, there was only one way he could help. But he had got it all wrong. “Can you be serious, please?”

“Come on, Helen.” Max grinned, running his hand down her chest. His go-to move, which she usually loved. But Helen wasn’t in the mood.

“No!” Helen said, coming off a little more harsh than she meant to. “You’re not hearing me correctly.”

“Alright. I’m sorry.” He backed away, sensing the frustration in her tone. “What is it you’re trying to tell me?”

“Max, I’m trying to tell you that I—” Helen uttered softly, nervously trying to find the right words. As she got lost in Max’s deep blue eyes, she could feel her heart beating out of her chest. THUMP! THUMP! THUMP!

“—Helen, you’re scaring me...” Max interrupted, confessing his worries.

“What’s going on?”

“I-I’m pregnant!” Helen blurted out.

“What?” Max choked in disbelief. His voice was soft and shaky as he gasped for air. “Pregnant? Are you sure?”

Helen nodded, reaching behind the vanity to grab the pregnancy test she had just taken and placed it into Max’s hand. So that’s why she was taking so long.

“How?” Max questioned. Clearly, he knew how it happened. He was just trying to process the fact that this was really happening.

Helen let out a nervous laugh as Max held the test above his face, and into the light, it was like the gigantic word Pregnant wasn’t enough confirmation for him.

“Max, please say something.”

“Helen….” Max said breathlessly in a delicate voice. “You’re really sure?”

“I haven’t gone to the doctor yet, but yeah I’m pretty sure. I’ve never been this late before.”

“How late are you? I mean, how far along do you think you are?”

“Based on my last cycle, I would say about eight weeks give or take.”

“You’re pregnant?” Max said tenderly, his eyes slowly traveling down to Helen’s abdomen as he processed this newfound information. He laughed tearfully, placing one of his giant hands over Helen’s silk lavender nightgown. Again, Max chuckled, gently stroking her belly with his thumb. “We’re going to have a baby.”

It was a sweet moment, but Helen flinched as his hands wandered down and caressed her belly. She couldn’t help but panic, feeling his hands so close to where their child grew. Perhaps it was Max’s tearful response, or maybe it was the fact that she was finally pregnant. But the anxiousness within her suddenly grew by a hundred. She was carrying Max’s baby, their baby, their miracle. This is why when Helen started sobbing uncontrollably out of nowhere, Max wasn’t quite sure what he had done wrong.

“Helen? What’s happening? Hey, tell me, what’s going on?” Max asked worriedly, rubbing Helen’s back and then kissing her all over, attempting to console her. She didn’t answer, and he was sure this next part wasn’t the right thing to say, but he had to know. “Do you want this baby?”

“Of course, I want to have this baby!” Helen declared tearfully, almost angry that Max had said such a thing. Because of that, Helen protectively placed her hands on a still-nonexistent baby bump. As if shielding the baby from its father’s words. “Of course I do.”

Max knew by the pained expression on Helen’s face that she was more than confident about keeping the baby. More certain of this than anything else in the world. Helen wanted to have this baby, and he knew how wrong he had been for asking her such a stupid question. As he watched hesitantly, trying to gauge her expression. Max could see the pain in Helen’s eyes, the pain he had just caused. It was true. She wanted to have a baby, but he didn’t know why the truth horrified her.

“Then, what’s going on?” Max asked her.

Helen was so fearful over all the What If? scenarios. At the thought of possibly losing the baby and even Max in the process. She and Muhammad had been trying to get pregnant when he suddenly and unexpectedly died. The thought of not only the baby growing inside her living without a father but Luna also caused her even more worry. Would she lose Max too? At the same time, little did she know Max faced similar fears. He lost Georgia when Luna was less than a day old, and he couldn’t even stand the thought of being without Helen. But right now, this wasn’t the time to voice his own anxieties. Instead, he needed to focus all of his attention on Helen, who was pregnant with his child.

“I can’t do this alone.” Helen whimpered. Her comment definitely felt like a punch in the gut for him. Max didn’t know why she would think he, of all people, would leave.

While what she said hurt. Max understood what Helen was trying to say. After everything she had been through, he was aware that she was overly cautious regarding her feelings and expressed them only when they bothered her. “Helen…” Max said soothingly. “You won’t have to do it alone. If that’s what you’re worried about, I assure you, I’m going to be here.”

They weren’t trying for this baby at all, and while it was a complete surprise, he couldn’t have been happier. This baby was, in fact, a miracle at that. In many ways, a dream come true for both of them. It was as if it was always destined to be this way, but suddenly all of this caused Max to remember a conversation they had some years ago after Helen told him about her failed round of IVF.

“It’s not that.” Helen began, pulling him out of his thoughts. “Max, I can’t lose you.”

“You’re not going to lose me. Things are different between us now. We’re stronger than ever. I’m in it for the long haul. Helen, I promise I’m here with you now and forever.”

“I know that, Max. But that’s not what I mean.” Helen started crying even harder. "I can't lose you too."

“Helen, please. Tell me what you’re feeling?” He pleaded. “What can I do to make this better?”

“It’s just today’s the anniversary of Muhammad’s death,” Helen revealed. “He’s already been gone a decade and it still hurts so much even after all these years.”

“Even after all these years, it still hurts so much,”

“I’m so sorry.” Max pulled Helen into a tight hold. “I didn’t know.”

“No. It’s not your fault.” Helen reassured him. “I should have told you sooner. It’s just I’m so scared to lose you too...”

Max knew Helen had many “suitors” over the years. In fact, the few he knew crossed his mind now and then. Still, Max was grateful that Helen had chosen him out of all the men in the world. He recognized that Akash, Cassian, and even Guillaume led Helen to him. They defined who Helen had become. Still, Max knew none of those men compared to Muhammad, whom he’d never even met. Perhaps Max also felt that he couldn’t live up to the only other man Helen ever planned to have a future with.

“Don’t take this the wrong way,” Max begins cautiously. “But it sounds like you blame yourself for what happened to him.”

“It’s just I wasn’t there when he had the aneurysm, and maybe if I was, Muhammad would still be alive.”

“You two seemed really happy together,” Max admits while looking at a photo of Helen and Muhammad from about ten years prior.

“We were.” Helen smiles softly.

“Can I ask you something?”

“Of course, you can ask me anything.”

“Do you still love him?” Max asks hesitantly. “I mean, it’s okay if you do. I know you two were planning on having a family together.”

“Max, Muhammad is a part of my past.” Helen starts trying to find the right words. “But I guess there’s a part of me that will always love him. I mean, can’t the same be said for you and Georgia? Don’t you still love her?”

Max snickered, which he hadn’t entirely meant to. He knew his expression was slightly less sincere than he would have liked. But Max understood what Helen was saying, but hearing her say those words aloud hurt him more than one would like to admit. After losing Georgia and blaming himself for what happened to her for the longest time, he knew where Helen was coming from.

“This is why I didn’t want to tell you about Muhammad after all this time because I never wanted you to see how truly broken I am.”

“I get it. Believe me. You’re not broken, Helen. But, even so, if that were true, then I am too.” Max proposed sincerely, lifting her chin up with his hand. He then rubbed Helen’s shoulders, moving his hands up and down ever so tenderly. The way he did affectionately whenever he knew she needed a little more of his love. “And even if you were, I promise none of that matters because I’m not going anywhere.”

“But I am Max!” Helen cried out. “I’m broken!”

“Hey, believe me, you’re not.” Max smiled lovingly at her, trying his best to de-escalate the situation. “Look, I’ve run away because I was scared once before. So it was no shock when Georgia left me. It seemed like I had made the biggest mistake at the time, but then you walked into my life. And nothing else mattered more than you. But Helen, I’m afraid of losing you too.”

“You are?”

“Of course I am. Especially after what happened with Georgia.” Max admits. “Which is why hearing more about Muhammad and the life you once planned together, I guess it makes me feel a little insecure too.”

“Max, you’ve got it all wrong,” Helen assured him. “I love you so much. And tonight, I realized with you it’s simply because I feel safe in the best possible way. You’re the best thing that’s ever happened to me.”

“Helen, you once asked me if I ever felt like the universe was trying to tell me something, and I believe the universe led me straight to you. Helen, you are my guiding light.” Max confessed. “We both lost people we loved, but we can’t let that hold us back because as long as we have each other, I know everything will be okay.”

“You’re right.” Helen smiles. “All our losses were just the universe’s way of guiding us to each other. If Muhammad had never—died. I would never have met you.”

“Helen, I don’t know what the future holds, but I know that I’m here because of you. You saved me, Helen. Not only when I was dying of cancer, but more importantly, you taught me that the only way to beat death is life.” Max takes Helen’s hands into his own.

“Max…”

“Helen, I love the life we have created both out here and in here…” Max promised, lightly placing a hand on her stomach with an encouraging smile. “This new life, this precious little life, deserves to be celebrated. No matter our hardships.”

Helen put her hand over his and leaned in to place a passionate kiss on Max’s lips. “I love you.”

“I love you too. I love you more than anything.” Max replied, wasting no time returning the gesture. Kissing her harder than ever before. “I just can’t believe we’re having a baby...”

“I can barely believe it myself—” Helen sobbed. She couldn’t even finish her sentence as she was overwhelmed with emotions.

Max showered Helen with kisses as tears streamed down both of their cheeks. A baby was the best news he had heard in a long time. Max knew that this baby was Helen’s miracle. Max never thought he could fall more in love with Helen, but at that very moment, he did. The fact that she was carrying their child gave him a newfound sense of appreciation and admiration toward her.

While Max loved Georgia, if he was honest with himself, he knew their marriage was doomed long before he took the job at New Amsterdam. He could’ve been a better husband, so he promised to put Helen first in all the ways he hadn’t done for Georgia. This meant Max wouldn’t miss one of Helen’s doctor appointments or work long unnecessary hours at the clinic. Max was confident he would make every moment count. No more making excuses for himself. Max knew he had made many mistakes then and wasn’t about to repeat them with Helen and this baby. But there’s that saying if: “Death was the rule, life the exception. Life was at best a transitory dream, set in a universe entirely indifferent to his fate.” This is why it hurt like hell when Max got the call because, as fate would have it, the universe was not always on his side.