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Luke was laying on the couch in the apartment he shared with Alex, Reggie, and Julie. He was on his back, tossing a ball towards the ceiling and then catching it again. It was trickier than it looked: if he threw it too hard it’d bounce off the ceiling and ricochet God knows where. If he missed, it’d land on his face, which would probably hurt.
It therefore counted as a great way to get his mind off things. Specifically, the thing that he didn’t want to think about. The thing that Julie was getting ready for right now in her room just down the hall.
The thing he was meant to be super-excited about because he was her best friend.
Alex watched him catch the ball and then immediately toss it upwards with a flick of his wrist. “I feel like I’m watching a vertical version of The Great Escape.”
Reggie was sitting on the chair opposite Alex’s. He looked up from his phone. “’The Great Escape?’ Oh yeah! That scene with Steve McQueen?”
“Yeah! When he was put into solitary confinement. He was bouncing the ball against the wall over and over—”
“Yeah! And it became, like, this leitmotif for his perseverance and his resilience!” Reggie looked at Luke. “Luke is totally the Steve McQueen in this scenario.”
Luke caught the ball. “Is that a compliment?”
“If it’s a leitmotif for your perseverance and resilience,” Alex said. “Otherwise, it’s just you being petulant because Julie’s going out on a date.”
Luke scowled and threw it again. “I am not being petulant. Whatever that means.”
“You’re pulling a suck,” Alex said sweetly, and then laughed when Luke gave him the finger with his non-ball-catching hand.
Reggie looked between Alex and Luke. “Wait. Julie’s going on a date?”
“Nick asked her out. Finally,” Alex told him. “She’s pretty excited.”
Luke made a face. “Yup. Been trying on outfits all afternoon.”
“You sounded bitter when you said that,” Reggie said to him. He turned to Alex. “Didn’t he sound bitter?”
“A little bitter,” Alex agreed.
Luke sat up, frowning at his roommates. “Guys!”
Reggie raised his eyebrows. “Now he just sounds angry.”
“I’m not bitter! I’m… happy for her. Yeah,” Luke said. He couldn’t stop himself from grimacing.
“That’s a weird expression to make when you’re happy,” Reggie said.
“It’s because he’s not happy,” Alex said to Reggie, who made a soft “oh” of understanding.
Reggie leaned towards Alex. “Why isn’t he happy?”
“Because Julie’s going on a date and Luke doesn’t like it.”
“Could you guys please stop talking about me like I’m not here?” Luke snapped.
“Why don’t you like Julie going out on a date?” Reggie asked. “I’m always happy when my friends find true love, like Alex and Willie.” He grinned.
“I am happy!” Luke scowled at them. “Can’t you see how happy I am?”
“Oh yeah, very convincing. Totally buying it,” Alex said while Reggie laughed. “Just admit it,” Alex continued, “you’re upset because Julie’s on a date with Nick, and not you.”
“I’m not upset!” Luke protested. “She’s my friend. My best friend. I want her to be happy. And if Nick makes her happy, I’m happy for her.” He lay back down and threw the ball again. Reggie lunged out of his seat and caught it. “Hey!”
“I think we need to talk about this,” Reggie said. He tossed the ball to Alex.
Alex caught it one-handed and tossed it back to Reggie. Luke made a half-hearted effort to grab it, but since he was still lying on his back it wasn’t very effective. “We don’t need to talk about this. There’s nothing to talk about. Besides, Julie is going to come out of her room any second.”
Alex checked his watch. “Nick isn’t picking her up for another twenty minutes. We got time.”
Reggie threw the ball lightly to Alex again, then turned his gaze on Luke. “So, spill.”
Luke put his forearm over his eyes, trying to block out the sight of his friends’ curious and compassionate expressions. He sighed. “How do you know if you’re in love with someone?”
He could practically hear the wheels turning in Alex and Reggie’s heads. Reggie spoke first. “Are you asking us to… describe it?”
“Maybe? Like, how did you know you were in love with Flynn?”
Reggie’s tone still rang with his confusion. “As opposed to not being in love with her?”
“Yes! That’s exactly what I’m asking!” Luke said, exasperated. He sat up again.
Alex and Reggie exchanged another look.
“Okay. I’ll try,” Alex said. He tossed the ball hand to hand as he thought. “How’d I know I was in love with Willie. Let’s see…um…” He turned back to Reggie, totally stumped. “I’ve never really thought about it before. It just happened?”
“It was love at first sight,” Reggie gushed. “So romantic!”
“What happened?” Luke demanded.
Alex shrugged. “We fell in love?”
“Oh my God!’ Luke scraped his hands through his hair. His friends weren’t helping. “But how did you know?
“Okay, let me try.” Reggie mashed his lips together. “Um. It’s a… feeling, that explodes inside you.” He made a violent outward gesture from his torso. “At least, that’s how it felt with Flynn.”
“Explosions? Really?” Luke asked skeptically. He couldn’t picture it.
“Yes?” Reggie’s face contorted as he thought. “But also, no? It’s hard to explain.”
“It’s like, your whole chest is filled with butterflies when you see them, but it’s also really comforting as well,” Alex said. “Exciting but safe, you know?”
“Exciting but safe?” Luke repeated. He frowned in thought. “Like… seeing your best friend after you’ve been apart?”
“Yeah, but you also want to kiss them.” Reggie grinned.
Luke’s mouth thinned. “I bet Nick wants to kiss Julie.”
“Probably,” Alex agreed. He tilted his head. “But why are you asking us this, Luke? I know you’ve been in love before.”
Reggie’s eyes narrowed. “Unless… you haven’t?”
Luke raked his hands through his hair a second time. “You guys know I’m pansexual, right?” At his friends’ nods he continued. “So I can fall in love with anyone. Which is great, until you’re trying to figure out if you love someone because they’re your best friend, or because they’re… them.” He sighed.
“Are we talking about Julie?” Reggie asked Alex.
Alex nodded. “We’re definitely talking about Julie.”
“Okay! Yes! Fine! We’re talking about Julie!” Luke collapsed backwards onto the couch and covered his eyes with his forearm again. “I know I love her. I just don’t know if I love her, love her.”
Alex’s eye roll was nearly audible. “Yes, Luke, you’re in love with her.”
Luke turned his head to look at Alex. “But how do you know?”
“Wait. How do I know? Or how would you know?” Alex asked.
“How do you know I’m in love with her?” Luke asked, voice almost a whine. “Because I’ve been trying to figure it out.”
“Its obvious from the way you look at her,” Alex said.
“And talk to her,” Reggie added.
“Pretty much everything you do that’s Julie related,” Alex agreed.
“But that could just be because we’re friends?” Luke bit his lip. “Couldn’t it?”
“Okay, how about this?” Reggie asked. “How do you feel about Nick kissing her?”
Jealously rose like hot acid in Luke’s throat. “Like I want to punch him.”
“And how do you feel about kissing Julie?” Alex asked.
Luke smiled even as his face heated. “I’d like to kiss her. I think about kissing her all the time. But…doesn’t everyone want to kiss their best friends?”
Reggie and Alex stared at him.
“You’re our best friend,” Alex pointed out.
“Yeah, no offence, but kissing you back in grade nine was enough for me. And Alex, you’re cute and all, but I’ve never wanted to kiss you?”
“You kissed Luke in grade nine, too?” Alex asked Reggie with a laugh. “Luke, you’re such a slut.”
Luke sat up. “But that’s what I mean! I always want to kiss my friends! I’m a little bit in love with everyone I’m friends with! How do I know it’s different with Julie?”
“Huh.” Reggie tilted his head consideringly. “But… Do you ever want to kiss them twice?”
Luke opened his mouth to answer, then closed it again. He thought back to his kisses with Alex, Reggie and Bobby back in grade nine when they were all figuring out their sexuality. He remembered really enjoying kissing his friends, but not particularly wanting to do it again. “That’s a really good question.”
Reggie crossed his arms. “There you go. Kiss Julie, and if you want to kiss her again, you’ll know.”
Kiss Julie, then kiss her again. The advice echoed in his head as he glanced down the hallway towards the door to her room. “But she’s going on a date with Nick!”
“Not yet, she isn’t,” Alex said. “Go talk to her Luke. Maybe she’s been as confused as you.”
“But the timing’s so bad!” Luke protested even as he got to his feet. “I should’ve said something before now.”
“Yeah, you should’ve,” Alex agreed bluntly, “but if you don’t say anything now, she’s going to go out with Nick, and she’s half in love with him already. Do you want to take the risk the date will go well?”
“Just apologize for taking so long to figure it out. Then kiss her.” Reggie grinned.
Luke wiped his palms on his jeans. His heart was hammering like the drum line for “Now or Never”, but he knew he couldn’t let Julie leave without saying anything. “Now or Never” was a pretty apt song to have in mind, actually. He needed to say something now, or risk losing her forever. “Okay. Yeah. I can do that.”
“Go get her, Romeo!” Reggie cheered.
Luke looked at him, wide eyed. “Didn’t he die?”
Alex made a face. “Definitely not the right reference.”
Luke knocked gently on Julie’s door then wiped his palms again. He couldn’t remember how many times he’d stood in front of her room: either in their current apartment, or at her family’s place, or when they were all in residence at UCLA, waiting for her to let him inside.
Each time, he’d felt totally the same; a sense of excitement and safety. Like riding a rollercoaster where you were buckled in really tight. Alex had used those exact words to talk about being in love with Willie. Maybe this was what he meant.
“Come,” Julie called from the other side, and Luke went in.
She was sitting on her bed beside a pile of clothes, wearing a pair of yoga pants and a crop top. Her luscious black curls were pulled into a high bun. It was one of her most casual outfits, nothing spectacular, but Luke’s heart still skipped a beat and his breath caught in his throat looking at her, like seeing her made his whole body forget what it was doing.
But she really didn’t look happy.
It hurt, seeing her distressed. All he wanted was to be there for her. He moved her clothes and sat down beside her on the bed. “Julie, what’s wrong?”
Julie sighed in frustration. “I can’t figure out what to wear.”
Julie could wear a garbage bag and she’d look gorgeous. His eyes dropped to her well-shaped lips and he yanked them back to her eyes. “You look beautiful.”
Those well-shaped lips curled up in a smile. “You’re so sweet.”
“I mean it.” Luke nudged her shoulder with his own. He swallowed down his jealousy. “Nick will like whatever you decide to put on.”
Julie’s eyes met his, their dark brown deep enough for him to drown in. “I’m not sure I want to go.”
He blinked in shock, unsure why she was having a change of heart. “But you’ve liked him since forever.”
“Yeah, but… maybe I haven’t liked him, liked him?” She toyed with the edge of her top. “I don’t know.”
“You don’t know if you like him?”
Julie’s fingers worried the edge of the cloth. “I mean, how do you know if you really like someone? As more than a friend, I mean.”
He chuffed out a laugh. “Would you believe me and the guys were just talking about it?”
“Yeah?” Julie asked, clearly interested. “What did they say?”
“Reggie says, when you look at them, it feels like an explosion,” Luke said. “I’m not really sure what that meant.”
“Maybe it’s because your heart’s pounding really hard?” Julie suggested.
Luke could totally get the heart pounding part. His heart always pounded when he was with her. His eyes drifted to her lips again before he forced them back up. “Maybe? Alex said it was feeling excited but safe too, you know?”
Julie nodded. “Flynn said it’s like your chest freezes up when you see them. But in a good way.”
Luke chuckled. “How does your chest freeze in a good way?”
Julie grinned at him before focussing back on the edge of her top. “I think I might know what that’s like.”
Luke nudged her again. “Too many cold showers?”
She laughed the way he’d hoped she would. “No. It’s just… I feel that sometimes.”
Oh God. Was there another person Julie had fallen for? Luke cleared his throat. “Oh yeah?”
“Yeah.” She raised her eyes to meet his, and Luke felt it again. That same rush of excitement paired with a profound sense of safety. Like being in an airplane when it’s taking off, but your seatbelt is securely fastened.
He felt like he was flying, looking into her eyes; flying and falling all at once. It wasn’t anything like an explosion, but it also was exactly like it. That same sense of being catapulted through the air by a force beyond your control. He suddenly understood what Reggie had meant. He swallowed against the dryness in his throat. “When?”
Julie’s pupils were blown wide, a pink blush staining her cheeks. She licked her lips, a delicate movement of the tip of her tongue. “Now,” she said. Her voice was barely a whisper.
Luke closed the distance between them, his lips slanting over hers. She tasted like sunshine and he licked the seam of her mouth, desperate to taste more. She moaned and put her arms around his neck and he held her against his chest, resenting every molecule of air that was keeping them apart. She curled her tongue against his and he shuddered at the sensation. He’d kissed other people before, two of them were even in the other room, but it’d never, ever felt like this. Like he was joining his soul to Julie’s through their mouths. Like they were meant to be together.
All too soon, she pulled away. Shock and delight dancing in her eyes, her smile bright as she looked at him. “Luke,” she sighed. She made his name sound like music.
“I love you,” he said, because he couldn’t not. “I love you, and I’m sorry I didn’t tell you before. But I do. I really, really do. And I know this is really bad timing because you’re going out with Nick, and it’s really shitty of me to tell you now, but I didn’t want you to fall in love with him before I—”
Her peal of laughter cut off his rambling. “I love you, too, Luke. I think I’ve always loved you. I just didn’t know until today.”
“Me neither!” He laughed. “I had to ask Reggie and Alex if I was!”
Julie’s eyes brimmed with mirth. “I had to ask Flynn! She said I’d just been in love with you for so long I didn’t recognize it.”
Luke considered Julie’s words. Is that why he’d been so confused about it? Because what he’d thought was friendship had always been something more? Excitement and safety. He’d felt that with Julie since forever. His eyes widened as the pieces slotted together. “I think I’ve always loved you, too! Even back in high school when we first met.”
“Best friends to lovers,” Julie giggled, “only it should be best friends and lovers. We just didn’t know it.”
She looked so beautiful he had to kiss her. Reggie’s question rang in his ears: Do you want to kiss her again? Yes I do, he thought. Again, and again and every day for the rest of his life. It’d taken them both so long to figure it out, and he didn’t want to waste another minute. He smiled at her, letting himself get lost in the beauty of her eyes. “Go out with me tonight?”
Her eyes shone. “You mean, like a date?”
“Yes! On a date!’ He laughed. He couldn’t believe it’d taken him so long to ask her.
She giggled again. “But… what about Nick?”
“He can come, too.” Luke grinned, then he immediately changed his mind. “Scratch that. No he can’t.”
Her laugh was bright with happiness, and he vowed to do whatever he could to make her that happy for the rest of her life. “I love you.”
He hugged her to him, his heart booming like fireworks in his chest. Julie had been right. The explosion was from the pounding of his heart. “I love you, too, Julie. I’m so glad you’re mine.”
She shifted in his arms so she could stroke his cheek, her eyes sparkled like stars. “I’m so glad you’re mine.”
There was a knock on the door. “Hey, guys?” Reggie called. “Nick’s here.”
Julie and Luke stared at each other, wide-eyed. “What do I tell him?” Julie whispered.
“Tell him Julie’s not available,” Luke called back, his eyes crinkling with laughter. “There’s been an explosion.”
END