Work Text:
"I'm boooooooooored ," Lili complained overdramatically as she set a fifth tree on fire.
Raz couldn't help but agree. He really had been misled on how exciting being a Psychonaut would be after his first week with them involved two different people trying to take over the world and one very insane dentist. Turned out the actual majority of a Psychonaut's day was menial paperwork. He had lasted about five minutes sorting things into their correct folders (under Hollis' watchful eye) before she excused herself to deal with a migraine and he was able to escape outside. Thankfully, it seemed Lili had done the same thing, although she had somehow managed to escape right from under the Grand Head's nose ("yeah, I do that a lot," she had said dismissively). Now the two kids were just staring up at the sky, not even sure what to do.
"I could show you the Aquatodome," Raz offered. "It's fun for like, acrobatics and stuff."
"Is that the big tent thing by your family's caravan? I already did that. Took me like, a minute tops."
"You're not supposed to levitate to the top, you know."
She scoffed. "Then what's the point?"
The two went quiet again, staring up at the equally boring sky. There weren't even any clouds to try to find things in. Although to be honest, Raz was kind of afraid of what things Lili might imagine in them.
Finally (after only a few minutes) Lili jolted up. "I know what we can do!" she said suddenly.
Raz jolted up as well. "What!?"
"Let's try to get Sasha and Milla together!"
Raz looked at her confused. "Aren't they usually together? Even if they're in their labs, they're like, right next door."
"No, dummy, I mean 'together' together! Like, together together!"
" Together together!?" Raz gasped in indignation. "Agents Nein and Vodello are professionals . The Psychonauts are professionals. Being together together would go entirely against that!"
Lili puffed a stray bang from her face. "Please, tell that to Agent Whitaker. Today is the twentieth time I've found him making out with another agent in the janitor's closet. And it's always a different agent."
"Yes, but Sasha and Milla are senior agents. They're held to a higher standard!"
Lili shrugged. "So? They're still always together, whether physically or mentally. And you just know they've faked being a couple a few times on a mission. Hell, even the comic writers ship it at this point! And being psychic means they're on a level of intimacy way higher than most couples have. I bet Milla knows Sasha's mind-cube in and out, and Sasha definitely knows about Milla's personal demons."
Raz gaped. "Wait, you found the demon room, too!?"
Lili stopped and looked at him. "The what now?"
"You know, the demon room. The room full of demons in Milla’s mind."
"...I actually just meant, you know, vague 'personal demons'. She has a room full of demons? Jeez, that explains a lot. Regardless, I'm sure Sasha knows about it. And every other agent gossips about those two being together, too. They've got to have feelings for each other."
"Wouldn't they have, you know, said something to each other about it by now?"
Lili waved her hand dismissively. "Please, you know Sasha. That guy is so emotionally repressed he makes Uncle Bob look like a total drama queen."
"Okay, maybe Sasha wouldn't, but what about Milla? She would definitely be open about something like that!"
Lili brought a hand up to her chin. "As for Milla... I don't know why she wouldn't have. Maybe she's afraid Sasha will take it the wrong way? Like, that he'll feel so uncomfortable he tries to find another partner. Or, you know, curls into a fetal position and becomes catatonic when she tells him and then the other Psychonauts have to go into his head and fix him."
"Sasha wouldn't do that!"
Lili gave him a pointed look.
"Sasha... probably wouldn't do that. But anyway, how are we supposed to do anything about it? We're junior agents, not couples therapists!"
"That's easy. We'll just ask them about how they feel about each other. You can ask Sasha and I can ask Milla. After we ask them, we'll meet and compare what they said. And if they both like each other, we’ll try to set them up together!"
Raz was doubtful. "Would they really tell us just like that even if they haven't told each other?"
"Well I'm Milla's favorite so she would definitely tell me. And Sasha likes you, so if he would tell anyone, it would be you. It's worth a shot, right?" She shrugged.
Raz wanted to protest, but the weight of boredom lingered in the back of his mind, ready to crush him again if he refused. "...Fine. But you have to help me fix Sasha mentally if he becomes unresponsive!"
She smirked, bumping his fist. "Deal."
***
Raz spent the entire walk up to Sasha's lab thinking of how best to approach the subject. Finally, right before he entered the lab, he came up with an idea. He walked into the lab as casually as he could.
"Hey, Sasha," he said casually.
Sasha was sitting at his desk, writing in a notebook. He looked up at Raz with a curious expression. "Yes?"
"Can I ask you something kind of... personal?"
"Sure."
"Do you get to choose which agent you work with in the Psychonauts?"
Sasha frowned. "Generally agent assignment is the responsibility of the Grand Head. The Grand Head will assign you an agent that he feels best complements your abilities. However, if you find you do not work well with that person, you are free to ask to be reassigned."
Raz nodded. "I'm just kinda worried that I might get assigned to someone other than Lili. And like, to be a partner means you have to be connected to their mind a lot, right? So if I'm not with Lili, but my mind's always connected to someone else, I'm worried that maybe I'll start, you know, feeling things for that person?"
Sasha was silent for a moment. "That's... an interesting question."
Raz waited for Sasha to say more, but he didn't. "So?"
"You are right that it is possible you may begin to feel feelings for the agent you work with. However, the possibility of such a scenario happening varies on a case to case basis. It is entirely possible that it will not happen to you."
"Yeah, but like... if you're connected to someone's mind all the time, it would end up happening no matter what, right?" Time to bring out the big guns, Raz. "I mean..." he said innocently, "isn't that what happened to you and Agent Vodello?"
Sasha was quiet for a moment. Finally, he asked slowly, "what do you mean?"
"Well, you guys are partners, right? You must have some sort of connection, right? Like, you share a bond or something."
"We do share a bond, but it's not... like that . We're simply work partners, nothing more."
"So you never had that problem with Milla? You never grew feelings for her? I thought you guys were, you know, together, like together together!"
Sasha sighed, putting down his pen. "Look, Raz, I don't think it's appropriate for us to discuss this. I understand your concern regarding Miss Zanotto, but you are still young. You have plenty of time ahead of you to figure out your emotions and what you want out of life. Even if you were to be put into partnership with another, I would see it as an opportunity to learn and mature, not as an obstacle. There is no need to discuss this any further."
"Alright," Raz said, nodding, trying to act as though his mentor had assuaged his nonexistent fears. "Thanks, Sasha." He smiled.
His mentor dismissed him with a nod and a wave of his hand.
***
Raz exited Sasha's lab at the same time that Lili left Milla's. Lili quickly took him by the arm and dragged him into the storage closet. Once the door was shut behind them, she turned excitedly towards Raz. "Well!? What did he say!?"
Raz shook his head. "He said they aren't together together. They're just work partners. And he wouldn't answer me when I asked if he liked her."
He expected Lili to look disappointed, even upset at the news. But instead, she just looked... confused. "That's... weird," she said finally. "He really said he isn't together with Milla?"
"Yeah. He seemed upset that I even asked, to be honest. Why, what's wrong?"
Lili hesitated. "Nothing's wrong, I guess... I'm just surprised that Sasha would lie to you about something like that."
"What do you mean? I don't think he was lying to me, Lili."
"But..." Lili scratched her head. "Milla said they are together together. Unless..." Suddenly, she smacked her fist against her palm. "I know what's going on here!"
"Y-you do!?"
"Of course! They're playing a prank on us!"
"A prank?"
"Yeah! They managed to read our minds somehow and knew we were going to ask them about this, so they decided they'd try to confuse us!"
"You think Sasha and Milla are trying to mess with us?"
"Exactly! Why else would they be contradicting each other?" She smashed her fist into her palm again. "But we're too smart for that! We've caught them in the act, and now we've gotta confront them!"
Raz gaped at her. "You want me to go back in there and accuse Sasha of lying?"
"No, dummy, he'll just say he's saying the truth! What we've gotta do is get them both together and ask them like that! That way they can't keep on tricking us, and we'll get the truth!"
Raz nodded, understanding. "So we're gonna catch them in the act?"
"Yep!"
Raz grinned. "Sounds good to me! Let’s get them!"
***
The two children kept a lookout in the lobby using clairvoyance to see when either agent would leave their lab and come to the other's. It was a tense wait, but soon enough they saw Sasha emerge from his lab and go over to Milla's. Lili and Raz gave each other a nod, then dashed out of the storage closet and into Milla's lab.
They emerged through the automatic doors, both pointing at the confused pair of senior agents. " Ha! " Lili said triumphantly. "Got you!"
Sasha and Milla gave each other a quick look, then looked back to the kids. "Darlings," Milla started sweetly, "what is this about?"
Raz crossed his arms. "You thought you could outsmart us, but we have our own tricks up our sleeves! Now you're going to tell us the truth!"
Sasha crossed his arms in turn. "What do you mean?"
Raz and Lili shared a look and nodded. They both asked in complete unison, "Are you two together together!?"
The two senior agents sighed, and like the two junior agents, answered in complete unison, "I already told you--"
Then suddenly their unison broke off.
" Yes ," Milla said.
" No ," Sasha said.
Raz and Lili stared at them. And they weren't the only ones; Sasha and Milla had now turned to each other and were staring at each other in confusion.
"Darling..."
"Milla..."
"When..." Sasha's voice cracked a bit, and he quickly cleared his throat to compose himself. "When exactly has this... been a thing?"
Milla blinked. "What?"
"This!" Sasha waved his hand around. "Us! You and me!"
Milla shrugged. "I'd say it started when you told me you loved me."
"Wh-when did I say that !?"
She brought up a finger to her chin in thought. "Hm, I don't remember exactly when it was, but I know it happened at some point. Besides, your mind hasn't exactly been secretive about it; I always feel it on your wavelengths."
Sasha sank onto one of the gaudy cushions, head in his hands with a groan. Finally after a few moments, he sighed and looked up, tenting his hands under his chin, staring into the distance. "I think... I think I understand what happened here. I... let down my mental guard around you and you caught a stray thought that I was... trying to keep hidden away. And you misconstrued that with me physically telling you about what that thought consisted of."
Milla hummed to herself and nodded. "That would explain it. But..." She tilted her head in confusion. "How does that explain our dates?"
"I'm sorry, our dates !?"
"We've been going on a dinner date every week for months now! Don't tell me you forgot; we just had one yesterday!"
"Y-yes, we've been going out to dinner every week, but those were dates !? I thought we were just meeting up to converse about work!"
"We're always conversing about work, darling -- we don't need dinner to do that! And you've been paying every time!"
"I thought I was just being polite!"
"I've given you a kiss after every one!"
"I thought you were just being polite!"
Lili nudged Raz in the ribs with her elbow. "I think we should go," she muttered under her breath.
"Agreed."
***
The two children sat awkwardly in the lobby, kicking their feet, waiting for the door to Milla's lab to open again. Finally, they heard the sound of the doors opening, and quickly turned around, grabbing the backs of their seats and peering over them. Sasha walked out of the lab, looking a little disheveled. When he caught sight of Raz staring at him, he jumped as though not expecting to see him there and awkwardly cleared his throat. "...To answer your earlier question, Razputin, yes, I am one of the cases where I have developed feelings for a work partner. And we are now indeed, together together, as you have suggested might be the case."
Raz nodded meekly in response as Lili stared wide-eyed next to him. Sasha gave an awkward nod of his own and went back to his lab.
Finally, Raz turned back in his chair. "Hey, Lili?"
"Yeah?"
"Relationships are weird."
"Yeah."