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Jeno had never imagined he would be at a wedding, standing next to the love of his life who was about to get married.
Well, he had imagined it in his fantasies, but he never thought it would happen in his reality. Not like this.
But here he was, next to Donghyuck, and the other was looking absolutely drop-dead gorgeous in a silk white dress, ready to walk down the aisle.
One slight problem: it may have been Donghyuck’s wedding, but it wasn’t Jeno whom he was joining in sacred matrimony.
Donghyuck may be ready to walk down the aisle, but it wouldn’t be Jeno he would be meeting at the aisle. Instead, up there in the place Jeno had dreamt he would take in only his most private thoughts, was a man named Huang Renjun. He had only met Renjun a few times before Donghyuck had excitedly run up to him, ring on his finger, announcing their engagement for everyone to hear.
It was nearly impossible to pretend to be happy for someone who wanted your support and enthusiasm when all you wanted was to scream and cry and hide yourself under the covers for the rest of forever.
It was harder when Donghyuck asked him to be his best man, harder when he got roped into the planning of a wedding he wished would never happen, and as of all of that wasn’t going to be difficult enough to cope with, he was asked to walk Donghyuck down the aisle. He could have easily said no and spared himself from all the mental gymnastics, but try as he might, Jeno was fucking weak for Hyuck.
What had he even done in his past life that the universe would decide to make him a week ago today be talking the man he loved into marrying someone else? He must have been a mass murderer or something of the sorts, because karma was stabbing him in the back hard right now.
At the moment, Donghyuck was standing behind the door to an old Protestant church, dress collecting around his feet and a bouquet of yellow flowers in arm. He was visibly nervous, but attempted to hide it by straightening his posture and looking straight ahead.
“Donghyuck, I have something to tell you.” Jeno spoke out into the silence.
Donghyuck turned to look at him, head tilted slightly to the side with a questioning look.
“Listen,” Jeno began again, “I know you love Renjun, but I have to be honest with you for once. I’ve been lying to you upwards of ten years, and I know if I don’t say anything now, I’ll regret it forever.”
He hesitated a moment, a tiny second that felt like an eternity, and then
“I love you. I always will, and if there’s any small chance, any inkling of doubt in you, don’t walk down that aisle.”
He watched as Donghyuck’s face shifting through expressions as fast as a flip book, first confusion, from there morphing into upset, relief, happiness, anger, fear.
And then Jeno saw Hyuck was happy . So much happier than he would be if Jeno had said those things. So instead:
“Hyuck, look at me.”
Donghyuck turned to him, expression mirroring the scene that played out in Jeno’s mind. But this time — this very real time — Jeno said something different.
“You got this. This is one night for the rest of forever, and your forever, well, it’s going to be beautiful. With Renjun. Now let’s walk to that mother-effing alter.”
Donghyuck smiled brighter than humanly possible, and all Jeno could think of was how fucking beautiful he was before he was smothered in a bone crushing hug.
Thank you. It was barely a whisper; just two words, but they spoke volumes.
The wooden doors were pushed open as Jeno and Donghyuck linked arms, and Jeno felt at least 55 pairs of eyes turn to them, following them as they walked between the rows and rows of pews.
As soon as they reached the short steps leading to the alter, the two of them parted ways, Jeno going to stand with the rest of the groomsmen, Donghyuck meeting Renjun leaving the train of his dress dragging over the steps in a waterfall.
The sight of Donghyuck and Renjun looking into each other’s eyes, gaze full of love with their hands clasped together… it was painful, and soon enough Jeno found he couldn’t continue much longer. He averted his eyes to the sickeningly sweet sight and instead picked a point just over Renjun’s shoulder to focus on.
The officiant — a priest with the last name Lee — was droning about the commitments of marriage, until Jeno heard something that caught his attention.
“Should anyone present know of any reason that this couple should not be joined in holy matrimony, speak now or forever hold your peace.”
Jeno stepped forward from the row where the other groomsmen stood, and all eyes immediately turned to him, some faces looked with eyebrows contorted in worry.
He summoned the last of his remaining courage and the scraps of good will that had been torn apart through the planning of this wedding and prepared to speak to the waiting room.
But it was Donghyuck he was addressing, really.
“I don’t know why I’m saying this. It seems stupid, and I know that if I had said something years ago, before you even met Renjun that maybe things could be different. And I know nothing I’m going to say will change your mind. I know you love Renjun. But I have nothing to lose right now, and this will be the last chance I ever have to tell you how I really feel. I love you, Lee Donghyuck, and I think I won’t stop loving you.”
The exchange of their vows snapped Jeno out of his cringe-worthy confession, and as much as Jeno felt an obligation to listen, he couldn’t hear anything but the teachers from Charlie Brown going wah wah wah wah over and over. Teacher talk would be better than listening to fucking Romeo and Juliet profess their undying love for each other anyway.
Rings were presented and slipped onto fingers, ‘I do’ s were said, a kiss was shared, and the entire time Jeno was trying pathetically hard to avoid looking at the two.
—
Jeno watched with a sourness in his stomach as Renjun joined Donghyuck on the dance floor for their first dance as newlyweds.
The fathers dance — of which only Renjun and his dad took part in because of the unstable terms Hyuck and his father were on — and two more songs later, Jeno had retreated to the drinks bar. The bar was completely empty with the exception of a greying middle aged in-law.
Filling up a tiny glass, he knocked back shot after shot, watching as his surroundings grew slightly fuzzier. His eyes were beginning to droop and an excruciating amount of time had passed. After what seemed like hours, he looked up and saw someone else was sitting next to him at the bar.
How long has he even been there? How the fuck did I not notice?
He was noticeably shorter than Jeno, with bright purple hair and a well-pressed suit that made him look like a million bucks. Literally. The suit looked way too expensive for Jeno’s account balance.
How much would that even cost?
“Well hello to you too.” The man said with a laugh.
Fuck. Did I say that out loud? That’s embarrassing.
“Yeah you did, but don’t worry.”
Shit. That too?!
The stranger positively cackled at that. (Or was he a stranger? Jeno was so fucking wasted he probably couldn’t even tell who he knew and who he didn’t.)
“Wait wait wait. Okay,” Jeno slurred out, “So I’m talking out loud right now? Right? I’m talking to you on purpose.”
He looked expectantly at the man, waiting for a nod or anything that could be considered a signal of confirmation. He received a light smile.
And this is in my head? I’m talking in my brain.
“ That was to myself, right?” Jeno said, probably a little too loudly.
“Right,” The other smiled at him, “Anyway, I never introduced myself. I’m Liu Yangyang.”
“Liu Yangyang.” He said over a couple times, putting the tenses in different places. “I like it.”
He then realized what he was doing and how weird it probably sounded and burst out laughing with a halfhearted “I’m sorry I’m so drunk… I think.”
“I think you’re right.”
Jeno zoned out for a second, focusing first on Yangyang’s face and then staring down at his now empty glass. He had no clue when he had last emptied it or what had been in it.
A voice cut through his trance.
“Hello? You alive there? I asked what your name is.”
“Oh fuck sorry, I’m Lee Jeno. Jeno Lee. Wow, what am I even saying…”
Apparently at some point he had grabbed Yangyang’s hand and started to play with the rings on his fingers, twisting them round and round. He immediately dropped it and covered his mouth in mortified em
“You seem to be quite the clingy drunk Lee Jeno,” Yangyang said in what was probably meant to be a teasing tone, “Do you want to go and dance?”
Jeno was too drunk to object, and dancing seemed kinda fun. But he was eying the drink that Yangyang had poured himself, so…
“Gimme one of whatever you’re drinking and I’ll say yes.”
“You sure? You seem pretty drunk…” the other said, raising his brows high.
“Of course I’m sure. My goal is to get completely and totally hammered tonight. I won’t remember anything!” He said while making weird grabby motions towards the liquor.
Yangyang just sighed and poured another drink, sliding it in Jeno’s direction (who downed it in two massive gulps).
“Okay! Let’s dance!”
Jeno let himself be dragged to the “dance floor” where he performed something that could be considered in the loosest sense to be a dance, but was more of a drunken flailing. Yangyang, relatively sober, was doing much better than him. At least the other wasn’t bumping into anyone who stood remotely close to him. That was something Jeno was not achieving at the moment.
They danced for *almost* the next 20 minutes before Jeno went back to the barstools and collapsed, spreading his body over at least two of them. Shortly after, Yangyang joined him (sitting upright though).
They sat in silence for a while before his new friend spoke up.
“Wait why did you say you wanted to get hammered and not remember anything about tonight?”
Oh.
Jeno had no clue how to respond.
“I guess… I don’t really wanna see… I don’t wanna… fuck. How do I say this. I don’t want to acknowledge that Hyuck is getting married.”
Understanding dawned over Yangyang’s face.
“Oh. I’m sorry. Are you exes who are, like, ‘still friends’ but you still have feelings for him? Wait, sorry that was kinda rude. But, like… well… you-“
“Listen it’s fine. You don’t need to apologize,” Jeno said, sounding more sober than he had in hours, “I do have feelings for him, and… fuck I have to go do something.”
Jeno rushed away from Yangyang, throwing all politeness to the dogs, and began to frantically search for Donghyuck.
This is stupid Lee Jeno.
You’re gonna get hurt.
You’re gonna hurt him.
Donghyuck will end your friendship with him.
Renjun will hate you.
Donghyuck’s family would hate you.
Even if it went how you wanted it to, then what? You’d be a fucking home wrecker.
They’re literally NEWLYWEDS WHO GOT MARRIED TODAY! Or was it yesterday? I don’t know it’s late.
BUT THAT’S NOT THE POINT JENO.
You ruin everything for everyone.
Why can’t you just leave it be for once?
Remember how they said ‘forever hold your peace?’ Yeah, somehow I think this is the situation where you should keep your peace locked up inside you in a safe that’s in a vault with no key and throw away the password immediately.
Jeno, there’s a reason why this didn’t go well in your imagination.
Stop.
And he did stop. Because in the middle of the dance floor, there he was. Amongst a crowd of people, Donghyuck stood out, because of course he did. That was just what Donghyuck did best: make Jeno’s life a little bit more impossible each day. Make the tight feeling in his chest just a little tighter until it felt like his heart would genuinely explode. He wanted to believe it would get better, that someday he would just be able to stop. Because loving someone isn’t easy. It isn’t simple. And it isn’t happily ever after. It sucks. Love eats you away, it makes you bitter and turns you into someone you hate; changing for the other person to be their idea of a better you.
And maybe it was those thoughts that drove Jeno to walk up to Hyuck, to take his hand, pull him into a corner and say “I need to tell you something.”
And it wasn’t romantic. It wasn’t a grand gesture. It was a pretty shitty confession actually, and he was drunk as hell. So it was a little incoherent. It wasn’t eloquent. It wasn’t profound, it was just there.
“I don’t know why I’m telling you this. It’s pretty bad timing, actually.” Jeno laughed a little at this, “I love you. Have for ten years. Congratulations on your marriage though.”
This time it was real.
But Hyuck didn’t look sad, he didn’t look angry, he didn’t look confused, he didn’t look happy, or any of the other things Jeno had imagined before now.
He looked disappointed.
“If you had told me years ago things could have been different.”