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“The rain is heavy tonight. Reminding all our friends on the road to be cautious and drive safely.” The DJ’s voice crackles through Juyeon’s speakers, muffled by the fat raindrops that pelt his car. His window wipers work vigorously but to little use. The road ahead is murky, a blur of metal and lights.
Juyeon inches forward carefully, glancing at the clock. It’s 9:07 p.m. He should be home by now but the rain has caused a traffic delay. He hopes Jaehyun went ahead and ate dinner without him.
Juyeon smiles to himself. Of course he would. Jaehyun was impatient when it came to food. His boyfriend is probably curled up in their window seat now, fed and satiated, watching the rain fall.
Juyeon shivers in his seat, his coat too thin for the element. He can’t wait to go home.
A sudden screech rips through the air, making Juyeon jump. He looks out of his window, only to see white lights hurtling towards him, growing brighter and brighter till it’s blinding.
Wait wait wait fuck wait-
The car slams into Juyeon’s own. Glass shatters and Juyeon is sent spinning out of control. The last thing he remembers is blood dripping into his eye, staining the world red before he loses sight of it all.
_____
Jaehyun has never truly known fear until now. He stumbles to the receptionist's desk, shaking uncontrollably. “M-My boyfriend he — there was an accident and, and I just, his name is Juyeon. Lee Juyeon.”
“Sir” The nurse rises from her chair, holding a palm out. “I’m going to need you to calm down first-”
“How am I supposed to calm down?!” Jaehyun’s chest heaves as he cries. All eyes in the room are on him but he doesn’t care. “They said it was serious. They said he might-that he might not make it.” It’s cruel how quickly your entire world can fall apart. Just mere hours ago everything was fine. He was bundled up in his cosiest pyjamas, watching the rain fall, waiting for his boyfriend to come home. He even picked out a movie for them to watch: Princess Mononoke . Juyeon loves Studio Ghibli.
But one phone call had changed everything. Jaehyun doesn’t even remember how he got here. It’s all a frantic blur through his tears and the rain. Now he’s gripping a hospital counter and it’s taking everything in him not to collapse.
“Hyung” Eric appears by his side, holding him steady. “E-Eric” Jaehyun grabs onto him, trembling. “Where’s Juyeon? Hm? Where is he? Is he okay? Please tell me he’s okay.”
Eric’s eyes are rimmed red. “He’s still in the operating room” he says hoarsely, “I don’t know what’s his status.”
Jaehyun tries not to let his knees buckle. It’s killing him to be kept in the dark. He wants to burst into the operating room and see how Juyeon is doing, to ensure that the doctors are doing everything they can to save him. “He’ll be okay right? Right? He’ll be fine right?”
Eric nods, but there’s no reassured confidence, just a glimmer of weak hope. “Of course. Juyeon-hyung is strong. He’ll get through this.”
Jaehyun clings onto Eric’s words like they’re the indisputable truth. They’re the only thing holding his crumbling sanity together.
_____
“Move move move! Out of the way! Get out of the way!”
Juyeon’s body jostles, rocking along with every bump the wheels beneath him roll across. He tries to open his eyes but they’re too swollen. “Lee Juyeon?” A voice he doesn’t recognise calls out. How do they know his name? “Lee Juyeon can you hear me?” Yes. He tries to say, but his tongue won’t roll around the copper tang in his mouth.
“On my count, 1 2 3 and up!” Juyeon is heaved onto another bed. A flurry of movement ensues around him, removing his head brace and cutting his shirt open. “What do we got?” Someone asks.
“Lee Juyeon. 26. Driver lost control of his car in the rain and crashed right into him.”
“Hang 2 units of O-Neg. Trigger the MPT. Suyoon get the ultrasound ready, what are his vitals?”
“BP 75/40, Heart Rate 133”
“Let’s get a chest and pelvis X-Ray” The voice draws near, right at his ear. “Juyeon I’m Dr Kim and I need you to stay with me alright? We’re going to get you through this.”
Juyeon wants to stay, but he’s so tired.
_____
Jaehyun rushes down the corridor, following Eric’s lead to the operating room. They’re only allowed to wait outside, the two glass doors remaining sealed shut. Juyeon’s mother sits at the very front of the row, a hunched and weary figure.
“Jaehyun-ah” she croaks out and Jaehyun rushes to her, engulfing her in a hug. “ Eomeonim ” He wants nothing more than to wail in her arms, letting the scent of her rose perfume soothe him but he has to be strong. Juyeon would have wanted him to be strong for her. “There’s nothing to worry about. He’ll be okay.” He tells her soothingly, just the way Eric did to him.
“I don’t-” she clutches onto her soaked handkerchief. “I don’t know how this could have happened. Why did it happen?” She beats her chest hard. “What did my baby do to deserve this?”
Jaehyun takes her hand in his, holding it tight. “Juyeon will be okay,” he reassures, “you know how competitive he is. He won’t lose this fight.”
Juyeon’s mother cracks a fond smile at that. “He’s been like that since he was a kid. He would get so upset over a silly board game just because he didn’t win.”
“And remember when he lost that race? Back when we were 15?” Jaehyun prompts, “he was so mad that he ran up and down the hill every week to train.”
To his surprise, Juyeon’s mother shakes her head. “He wasn’t being competitive then. He was upset because he lost in front of you. He wanted to impress you so badly.”
Jaehyun never knew about this. He thinks back to that summer afternoon, tucked safely under the shade of the bleachers while the burning sun scorched the track, watching the students prop into position before the whistle blew. How they flew down the line, leaving a dust of red ash in their wake. How the crowd erupted in cheers when the boy from class 5-2 had first crossed the finishing line. Jaehyun remembers standing up to holler when Juyeon followed in closely behind. It’s only now that he notices in his memory — how Juyeon had glanced over at him, watching closely for his reaction. How the red in his cheeks and ears weren’t from the heat or exertion but instead, disappointment and embarrassment.
Jaehyun’s throat closes up. What would be an endearing memory is just heart-wrenching now.
“I’ll ask him about it when his operation is done.”
Juyeon’s mother nods. No one addresses the elephant in the room, nor the tears that flow down Jaehyun’s cheeks despite his upbeat words. They all sit in silence, hoping that this nightmare will end soon.
_____
Juyeon’s breath echoes in the oxygen mask, loud and harsh. He feels like he’s floating, here but not quite. Through a thin crack he sees a blur of blue gloves and silver metal moving back and forth.
“I need everyone to focus. This is going to be a long and difficult operation, but we are going to do everything we can to send Lee Juyeon back home. His loved ones are waiting for him.”
Loved ones. He thinks of his family and his heart aches. He thinks of Jaehyun and his heart aches even more. Jaehyun was waiting for him, he was waiting for him to come home and he didn’t.
“Administer the anesthesia, we don’t have much time to lose.”
Juyeon feels like his head is being submerged under water, growing dizzier and dizzier. Black dots creep from the edges of his vision, slowly crowding the field.
“Juyeon-ssi” he faintly hears, “don’t give up.”
Everything goes black.
_____
The neon sign above the operating room still flashes red, “SURGERY” in block letters. Jaehyun hovers in front of the doors, fiddling with the silver necklace around his throat. It was Juyeon’s present to him on his 16th birthday. 10 years later, he still wears it.
He thinks back to this morning. He’d nagged at Juyeon for not washing his plate after breakfast. Juyeon had tried to make up for it with a kiss on the cheek but Jaehyun had wriggled out of his hold, insistent on chiding him. Unbearable guilt suffocates him now. He shouldn’t have done that. He shouldn’t have been so petty.
He’d even tried shutting the door on Juyeon when he left but Juyeon, at the last second, pushed it back.
“What?” Jaehyun asks flatly but Juyeon cups the back of his neck, kissing him hard.
“I’m not leaving the house until you stop being mad at me”
“You’re going to be late for work” Jaehyun grumbles against his lips, squirming away out of embarrassment.
“I said I’m not leaving” Juyeon stays rooted to the spot, firm and stubborn.
“Fine fine” Jaehyun acquiesces, “I’m not mad.”
“You have to mean it.”
Jaehyun, unable to hold back his amusement, breaks into a smile. “I’m really not!”
Juyeon’s lips curve into a satisfied grin. “Now I believe you.” He plants a kiss on Jaehyun’s forehead. “I’ll do the dishes when I come back okay?”
“Okay” was all Jaehyun could say, stomach too full of butterflies. And just like that Juyeon had left, disappearing down the stairwell.
Tears well up in Jaehyun’s eyes. He shouldn’t have let Juyeon leave. He should have paid closer attention to the weather forecast that morning. He should have told Juyeon to take the train instead, that the roads were too slippery to drive.
He should have said ‘ I love you ’ when Juyeon left. He should have reminded him that he did.
Jaehyun presses his hand to the cold glass, curling it tight. His voice is barely a whisper when he speaks.
“Juyeon-ah, come back to me. Please .”
_____
Juyeon is falling. There’s a faint ring of light above him but by the second he’s getting further and further away, swallowed by pitch black. The sounds are fading out, shouts and rings blurring into heavy static. He tries to move but a strong resistance pins him down. He tries, again and again but it’s impossible.
Everything hurts. His entire body screams in pain, down to the very nerve endings. “Just let go.” A voice from beneath him whispers, alluring and enchanting. Juyeon’s eyes flutter shut. It would be easier to let go. Fighting only makes the pain worse. What if he just surrendered? Let himself fall?
What is there to lose?
Juyeon’s heart monitor starts to ring, echoing hollowly through the operation room. All heads snap up in horror.
“He’s flatlining! Inject 2ml of epinephrine stat!”
Juyeon’s mind starts to reel, playing back the past.
2012. 16 years old.
Juyeon presses the doorbell, quick and swift before he can chicken out. Jaehyun opens the door, bare face scrubbed red from his shower, silk pyjamas pooling at hands and feet. “Juyeon.” He looks stunned. “You’re finally here. I thought you forgot.” Juyeon doesn’t miss the bitterness in his tone. It’s 11:59 p.m. He made it to Jaehyun’s birthday with only one minute to spare. “I’m sorry.”
“You never forget my birthday. You’re always the first one to wish me.”
“I didn’t forget your birthday.”
“Then why are you so late? Why didn’t you celebrate it with me?” Jaehyun’s forehead starts to crease with his frown. Juyeon wants to press his thumb against the lines and rub them away. He doesn’t like seeing Jaehyun upset.
“Here’s your present” Juyeon abruptly thrusts a small box into Jaehyun’s hands. Jaehyun fumbles to catch it. “What is this?” Juyeon looks away, scratching the back of his neck that has grown hot. “You have to open it dummy.”
Jaehyun scowls and unthinkingly, flicks it open. In a second, his frown dissolves. “You got this…for me?” he whispers in awe, gently tracing the silver heart locket that gleams in the moonlight.
Juyeon’s blood thrums under his skin. “Do you like it?”
Jaehyun looks up at him, crinkles forming at the side of his eyes. “I love it.”
Juyeon plucks the necklace from the box. “Turn around, I’ll help you put it on.”
The nape of Jaehyun’s neck is fair and smooth, one small mole dotting the base. Juyeon fastens the clasp and he can feel it – the heat of Jaehyun’s skin under his fingertips, the shiver that follows.
Jaehyun turns back around but Juyeon grabs both his shoulders, stopping him. “What are you doing?” Jaehyun asks, looking over his shoulder but Juyeon nudges him hard. “Don’t turn around.”
“Why not? What are you trying to do? I swear if this is some-”
“I’m going to ask you a question” Juyeon cuts him off shakily, staring intensely at the back of his head. “If your answer is yes, turn around. If your answer is no, just walk back inside. Okay?”
“Um…okay?”
Juyeon licks his lips, swallowing tightly.
“Lee Jaehyun. Do you want to go on a date with me?”
Jaehyun inhales sharply, an audible sound but it’s followed by nothing but silence. It stretches on, on and on till it grows unbearable. Juyeon’s heart is in his throat, waiting for an answer.
Finally, Jaehyun responds. But he’s stepping out of Juyeon’s hold, walking towards the door.
Juyeon’s hands immediately drop to his sides. He watches Jaehyun’s retreating figure, painfully crushed. He thought his best friend felt the same way.
He backs away, wanting nothing more but to disappear when Jaehyun suddenly turns around, barrelling straight into his arms. “Dummy” he giggles, cheek pressed against Juyeon’s chest, arms secured around his waist. “Did you really fall for that?”
“What the hell?” Juyeon splutters, “you were messing with me?”
Jaehyun tilts his chin up, a mischievous grin on his face. “It’s payback for telling me so late. I was so upset the entire day!”
“I was nervous! Do you have any idea how scary it is? I thought you were going to say no.”
Jaehyun laughs. “Don’t be silly,” his voice grows quiet, “I’ll always say yes to you.”
Juyeon winds his arms around him, holding him tight. The heart locket nestles between them, right next to their hearts that beat. Not in sync, but together.
“We’re losing him” Dr Kim glances helplessly at the rapidly deteriorating vitals. “Another round of compressions. Everyone stand back!”
2016. 20 years old.
“I can’t believe you” Juyeon stares at Jaehyun’s balled up figure, unimpressed. “You’re the one who wanted to do this.”
“It seemed like a good idea at the time!” Jaehyun whines, burying his head between his knees. He’s squatting down at the side of the pavement, too tired to care about the dirt. It’s 6:30 a.m. The sky is a blend of grey and blue, sun nowhere to be seen. Jaehyun had dragged Juyeon out of bed, insisting they take a walk to see the sunrise. His enthusiasm was roaring when they left the house, but just 10 minutes of walking was enough to completely wipe it out. “Can we just take a taxi home now?”
“No way” Juyeon huffs out. “We’re already here. And let me remind you again that you insisted on doing this.”
“Please?” Jaehyun widens his eyes and bats his eyelashes. Usually this trick would work but Juyeon’s resolve has been hardened by his lack of sleep. “You’re not pouting your way out of this one.”
“Ah why not?!” It’s hilarious how quickly Jaehyun’s demeanour flips. He stubbornly stomps his feet on the pavement.“I don’t want to move! I’m staying here.”
“Fine” Juyeon shrugs, “suit yourself.” He starts to walk away, leaving Jaehyun behind.
“Yah, Lee Juyeon!” Jaehyun calls out but Juyeon pretends not to hear, biting back a laugh.
A moment later Jaehyun is jumping onto his back, clinging on like a koala. “Were you really going to leave me there?!” he wails loudly, “were you just going to abandon me at the side of the road?!”
Juyeon hooks his hands underneath his boyfriend’s thighs, hoisting him steady. “You are so dramatic.”
“Don’t you think you’re too much? How could you do this to me?!”
“I was literally only 1 metre away from you.”
Jaehyun hugs Juyeon tightly, burying his face in the crook of his neck. “Don’t leave me” he mumbles with a pout.
Juyeon laughs, tilting his head to nuzzle Jaehyun’s cheek. “I won’t,” he promises, lips brushing against his skin.
Jaehyun stares worryingly at the doors, a hollow ache in his chest. The surgery was supposed to end hours ago, it wasn’t supposed to take this long.
Crimson blood stains their gloves and spills onto the metal table. The monitors scream like they haven’t been heard, each beep growing more frantic. Dr Kim grits his teeth, chest heaving with exertion. His hand is starting to cramp but he doesn’t stop. “Come on Juyeon” he grunts, “stay with us.”
2020. 24 years old.
“Am I asking for a lot? Is this so much to ask from my boyfriend?”
“Jaehyun I’m not a goddamn mind reader. You have to tell me what’s wrong instead of throwing a tantrum.”
“A tantrum? Is that how you see me? Is that what my feelings are to you?”
“You’re twisting my words and you know that.”
“I’m not. That’s exactly what you said.”
“Jesus Christ” Juyeon yanks his tie loose, frustration mounting in his chest. “I just came back from work. Can’t I at least have a second to breathe? Do you have to attack me the moment I step through the door?”
“Attack you?” Jaehyun echoes, enraged. “I’m just trying to solve our problems!”
“What problems?!” Juyeon demands. “There isn’t an issue, you’re just creating one!”
Jaehyun’s jaw falls open like he’s just been slapped. “I’m creating problems? So what? It’s all me? It’s all my fault? I’m the one ruining this relationship?”
“I never fucking said that!”
“Well it sure as hell seems like that’s what you meant!”
“For fuck’s sake!” Juyeon reaches his tipping point and explodes, slamming his watch down on the counter. He doesn’t mean for it to but it cracks, and the sound rips through the air like a gunshot. Jaehyun falls dead silent, face pale.
Inexplicably, something between them shifts. Juyeon’s legs are moving before his brain and he flees out the door.
He cuts through the streets, running a shaky hand through his hair. He tries to regulate his breathing but they just keep coming out erratic and uneven. This is the first time he’s ever stormed out. This is the first time he’s ever left Jaehyun behind.
His past self would have murdered him, but his past self has no idea what they are like now. He was so excited to move in with Jaehyun, to embark on a new stage in their relationship. But ever since living together, all they do is argue, clashing with each other day and night. It didn’t take long for them to start sleeping with their backs to each other, each one huddled to either side of the bed to create a distance. This house was supposed to bring them together and yet they’re falling apart.
A thought flickers across Juyeon’s mind: Is this the end? Cold shock guts him and he tries to shake it away but it only takes a stronger form, now bold and large in his head.
Is this the end? Is this relationship over? Is he and Jaehyun going to break up?
Juyeon halts in his step, standing motionless in the middle of the sidewalk.
Is it? Is this it? Things are so difficult between them. The wounds they’ve inflicted on each other feel too deep, way beyond repair. Wouldn’t it be easier to let go? To start over on a clean slate with someone else?
But Juyeon tries to imagine a life without Jaehyun and he can’t — a life where Jaehyun isn’t there to stroke his hair when things go wrong, to bicker about movies, to nag when he forgets to do the dishes, to sit cross-legged on the couch in his oversized t shirt and giggle at the toothpaste that he accidentally got on the side of his mouth.
A life where Jaehyun isn’t there when he comes home.
Juyeon turns around and breaks into a run, rushing back to their apartment. He skips the lift, bounding up the stairs two steps at a time. The front door is shut, unlike how he left it and he fears the worst.
Please please please.
He bursts through the entrance and there Jaehyun is, a curled up figure on their couch. He looks up upon Juyeon’s entrance, eyes widening. “Juyeon…” His face is wet with tears, lips bitten raw.
Juyeon slowly walks in. They hold each other’s gazes and the air is still, riddled with heartbreak.
“I thought-” Jaehyun gulps around the tears that thicken his voice. “I thought you left for good.”
Everything will still be difficult. There’s still so much for them to fix. But Juyeon doesn’t want to let Jaehyun go.
“Dummy” he croaks out, his own eyes red. “I’ll always come back to you.”
Juyeon’s eyes fly back open. He’s still falling, now so far away that he’s submerged in complete darkness, unable to see a thing.
He flails his arms and hands, shaking with helpless despair.
No. He thinks, thrashing around with all his strength. I have to get back.
Underneath Dr Kim’s fingertips, Juyeon’s heart jerks.
“We got a pulse!”
_____
Juyeon opens his eyes. He’s no longer surrounded by darkness. Instead, a soft amber light seeps into his vision, growing in focus as he blinks.
The window is cracked wide open, allowing the early morning light to diffuse in, bathing the room in a hazy glow. A humidifier churns quietly, puffing out clouds of white steam. Juyeon looks down at his white hospital gown spotted with green checkers, watching his chest rise and fall. It hurts to breathe but the pain is so good. He’s alive. He made it .
He’s numb all over, but he can feel a small hand on his own, fingertips warm on his skin. Jaehyun is sitting in a chair by his bed, clad in a thin grey sweater. He goes through various motions – checking his phone, adjusting his hair, drinking a glass of water but all the time he holds Juyeon’s hand, refusing to let go even when it gets in the way.
“ Yah , Lee Juyeon” Jaehyun nudges the wheel below Juyeon’s bed. He doesn’t notice that Juyeon has awoken. “It’s been 12 days already and you’re still sleeping? How much sleep do you need?” His head is hanging low and Juyeon notices how much skinnier he looks now, cheeks sunken in. “You said you would do the dishes when you come back. Is this you trying to avoid that?”
Jaehyun brings their clasped hands to his lips, pressing a kiss to the back of Juyeon’s hand. “Okay fine. You win. I’ll do the dishes okay? But in return, you have to wake up.” The mirth in his voice dwindles down towards the end, going flat. His eyes start to brim with tears but he doesn’t let them fall, exhaling a shuddering breath instead.
“I’ll do everything okay? I’ll even clean the ceiling fan.” It’s the chore both of them hate to do. The task of climbing on a ladder to dust the top of the fan blades is just too tedious. They were always shoving the chore back and forth, trying to push the other to do it. “I’ll do it all so please- ” His voice breaks and a tear falls, slipping down his cheek.
Juyeon pries open his cracked lips that have been sealed shut for too long. His voice is a hoarse whisper, scratchy from disuse.
“Are you sure you won’t go back on your word?”
Jaehyun’s head snaps up. “J-Juyeon?” He rises to his feet, hands trembling as they cup Juyeon’s cheek, taking a closer look. “Are you awake?”
Juyeon doesn’t get a chance to reply because Jaehyun immediately bursts out of the room. “Dr Kim! Dr Kim he’s awake! He woke up!”
Doctors and nurses swarm into the room, running a series of tests and checking his vitals. Juyeon lays there limply as they fiddle and prod, asking him hundreds of questions. “You were tough out there” Dr Kim, who he learns was the surgeon who saved his life, says. “Good job on holding out.”
“Thank you,” Juyeon says weakly. Later on he would express his gratitude in-depth, but for now he needs to conserve his energy for something else. Jaehyun bows, thanking him profusely. Dr Kim smiles and nods and eventually they all leave the room, leaving Juyeon and Jaehyun alone.
Juyeon looks over at Jaehyun, feeling every part of him relax. “Hi.”
Jaehyun breaks into a smile, eyes watery. “Hey you.” He crouches by Juyeon’s side, brushing the hair out of his face. “How are you feeling?”
“I’m okay” Juyeon musters up the strength to lift his hand, gently caressing the side of Jaehyun’s cheek. “I missed you.”
Jaehyun leans into the touch, eyes fluttering shut. “Me too” His voice cracks. “So…So much.” He clutches onto Juyeon’s palm, scared that he might slip away again.
“I’m sorry” Juyeon fights through his wheezing breaths. “I came back late didn’t I?”
“Dummy” Jaehyun sniffles, shaking his head. “Why are you apologising?” He wipes away his tears, glowing with refound happiness.
“Thank you” he whispers, “for coming home.”
Later on, Jaehyun would ask Juyeon what he was doing out so late in the first place but Juyeon would lie to him. He would tell Jaehyun that there was an emergency at work. He wouldn’t tell him that he was out scouring every jewellery store in town, trying to find the perfect ring. He would tuck the black box handed to him by the nurse under his pillow, telling her to lower her voice when she marvels about how it miraculously survived the crash. Jaehyun wouldn’t see the ring until a year later when Juyeon gets down on one knee in the middle of their tiny apartment, holding it out with flushed cheeks.
He would never know that secret. But that doesn’t matter. The only thing he needs to know is that Juyeon came back to him, against all the odds.
And that is why he would, with a laugh and eyes that sparkle, say yes.