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“Zoro, you have something on your neck.“
This was nothing new. It hadn’t been since Skypia. Zoro and Sanji might think they were good at hiding, but Usopp would like to kindly disagree with that. Sometimes, those two still acted as if they weren’t in a very love-filled, disgustingly sweet and surprisingly domestic relationship. As if they didn’t share a bed in the bunk room and held each other like monkeys in the cold, clutching to the other with all four limbs to access maximum touch.
He heard them sometimes, talking to each other in quiet voices, trying to keep the conversation between themselves. Usopp didn’t want to eavesdrop, but Zoro really didn’t know how to whisper. And sometimes, he liked listening to the two laugh quietly together and just be happy with no worries. He loved those calm moments of their affection, because, Lord help him, all the other moments weren’t as calm.
Ignoring all of the fighting and breaking stuff and shouting, there was also the fucking. If Usopp had to count all the times he heard some noises coming from the crow’s nest or the kitchen or the storage room, he would cry from trauma before providing a number. He probably heard this neck-incident too.
However, it was weird that Nami pointed it out. She never did that, not anymore. It must be a gigantic hickey if Nami felt the need to comment on it.
“Wha’ d’ya mean?”
Zoro really was a brute who couldn’t even use the language correctly, opting to shorten everything he could. Usopp didn’t understand how the articulate Sanji could live with this.
Zoro yawned and stretched out his arms in front of him like the overgrown cat that he was.
”The lipstick stain.”
The what?
Usopp turned his head to the swordsman with an inhuman speed, dropping the ammunition he was currently making and looked for this mysterious stain. Someone in the sky shall grace him with the ability to not freak out, because there was a red lipstick stain on Zoro’s skin. A red lipstick stain. A red. Lipstick stain.
The swordsman's eyes widened and his face started to change into the colour of the lipstick, as if his skin tried to camouflage it.
”That’s not lipstick“, Zoro said, his face getting redder the second, “It’s the blood of my enemies. Blood is also red.“
That poor fool. He was digging up an even deeper hole.
“That’s an interesting form for blood to take on, wouldn’t you say?“, Robin said, eyes still on her book, nevertheless joining the conversation and smiling mischievously.
”Well, I can’t really control how blood forms on my skin, can I?“
Zoro coughed loudly and stood up from the lawn. Not being able to continue his nap anymore and needing to do something with his nervous body, Zoro wanted to excuse himself to the crow’s nest slash gym. But the crew was not finished tormenting him yet. Usopp was about to make fun of him for being a lovesick fool, when something dawned on him.
Zoro had a lipstick stain, which meant someone who wears lipstick must have given it to him and…
”Oh my god, Zoro, are you cheating on Sanji?“
Usopp was shocked. He never felt so betrayed in his entire life and he couldn’t even begin to fathom the feelings that will be tormenting Sanji.
”That’s like so not cool, Zoro-bro. I don’t like to say this, as the cool adult on this ship, but I’m super disappointed in you.”
Franky shook his head, his eyes already filled with tears: ”These are angry tears, Zoro, angry tears!”
The swordsman finally finding his voice tried to explain himself.
”What? No, I-.“
But then Chopper ran to him and hit him in the leg.
”Zoro“, Chopper cried, tears falling from his eyes, wetting the fur on his face, ”Don’t you love Sanji?“, the reindeer kicked him again, ”He will be so sad.“
”I-“, Zoro tried again, but he was interrupted by Nami.
“How did you do it? Did you sneak off the ship this morning? The island is not big, but your sense of direction is really bad and not to forget you’re stupid.”
”I agree with our dear navigator, it couldn’t have been planned. Our swordsman-san doesn’t have the capacities for such a thing“, Robin smiled and something was off with that smile. She knew something, but before Usopp could break his head on what exactly she knew, he remembered that it was a pointless thing to do, because Robin would never tell him and he wasn’t ready to analyse the archaeologist’s behaviour today.
Nami nodded her head, a way to thank the older woman for agreeing with her.
”So did you just hook up with a random woman?“
”A random woman over our amazing, kind, non-cheater cook?“, Franky yelped, “So many angry tears, Zoro, and I super don’t like angry tears.“
The green-haired stared at the cyborg, his eyebrows furrowed and an annoyed look formed on his face: ”Would you guys please listen to m-.“
”I really thought if one of you ever cheated, it would be Sanji. I mean he already flirts with every woman in a 200 metre radius“, Nami once again interrupted the wielder of swords and lies.
”I don’t think Sanji flirts with women so he can cheat with them on his partner. Sanji is just dumb and wants to, what does he always say, appreciate the superior gender. But you, Zoro, took this poor man’s heart and stepped on it. Just so we’re clear, I am not taking your side“, Usopp felt like he had to defend Sanji, as he was the true victim of this situation. His own feelings towards this dishonesty and treachery wouldn’t mean anything next to those of his blond friend.
”I thought Zoro was gay“, Luffy said with his mouth full of food, gracing them with some insight. Of course, the lies continued. Lying about being a homosexual? This man he once called a friend loved to reach out to the stars. The stars in this scenario being deception.
“Zoro-san? Are you not gay? Why would you lie to us?”, Brook bawled and embraced the violin in his arms for some comfort, because there might be an even bigger liar on this ship than Usopp. Zoro had sat down again and was looking into the distance, not even trying to talk himself out of this one.
“Maybe he was too embarrassed to come out as straight”, Robin tried to explain the betrayal of betrayals.
“Is that a thing?”, Chopper asked, still hitting the green-haired on his leg and not looking like he might stop any time soon.
”I'd be embarrassed too“, Nami laughed and then added carefully, ”Still doesn’t mean I would cheat though.“
Usopp then thought of the massacre that was bound to happen when Sanji found out: ”Zoro, you cheated on Sanji! Sanji of all people. Don’t you know what this means? He will poison you.”
Then he thought about their cook and had to correct himself: ”Wait, he would never do that, but he might suffocate you in your sleep, kick you to death, strangle you, chop you up and force us to eat you, tear out your other eye and leave you blind, castrate you-“
”Usopp, shut the fuck up”, Nami warned him and because he actually valued his life, unlike one other person on this ship who most likely will not see the end of the day, Usopp did shut up.
He thought of Sanji and how he always looked so fondly at Zoro when the other was smiling. He thought of Sanji and the food that he made for the swordsman, putting all his love and effort into it. He thought of Sanji and how tenderly he kissed the green-haired man, chuckling afterwards, because Sanji loved him so much and what did Zoro do to his love? Spit and turn his back on it.
He thought of the times the two argued in the market, shouting at each other’s faces, but still holding hands, as if to say ”I’m never letting you go“.
Usopp wanted to cry, because if all of that wasn’t love, then it didn’t exist.
A door was opened somewhere on the ship by the only person who wasn’t on the deck right now, Sanji. So it will begin. The truth had to come out eventually.
”Why are you all staring at me?“, the cook asked when all heads turned to him. That poor, innocent child. He hadn’t felt the despair of trickery yet.
”Sanji, I want you not to freak out, but Zoro cheated on you.“
The blond’s mouth opened and his head turned in confusion.
After a few seconds of silence, his shoulders shook and Sanji laughed.
”That’s so funny.“
He walked up to Nami, the tray not moving an inch even though his whole body rattled from laughter.
“Mosshead would never. I trust him”, Sanji gave Nami her drink, “And he wouldn’t dare, I’d castrate him.”
“See guys, I told you he would.”
Chopper stopped hitting Zoro's leg and went to hug Sanji.
”I'm so sorry Sanji, but there’s proof. He has lipstick on his neck!“
The blond touched the reindeer’s head and patted it a few times.
”It’s fine Chopper, really. That big idiot over there didn’t cheat on me. I'm wearing lipstick, that’s why he has a lipstick stain.“
That does make a lot more sense.
A loud ”Ohhh“ filled the deck and Robin chuckled to herself and that evil woman knew all along. She could’ve said something, but no, she had to observe everything unfold.
After giving everyone their drink, Sanji sat down next to the swordsman and kissed him on the cheek, leaving another red stain and making Zoro blush. Their cook wasn’t the only one who liked the lipstick it seemed, seeing how Zoro reacted to the stain. There must be some kinky stuff going on between those two, but Usopp liked being sane and therefore did not continue this trail of thoughts.
Sanji was still laughing and Usopp watched the couple and he felt stupid for thinking that the swordsman could ever cheat on Sanji. Zoro had it bad and his brain probably couldn’t even understand the idea of giving up the blond.
Sanji eventually stopped giggling and wiped the tears from his eyes. He put his arm around Zoro, allowing the green head on his shoulder and then he suddenly sat up again.
”Wait, did you guys think my lips were naturally this red?”
Silence spread on the deck.
”Yes.”