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During their first year they used to study in class. Then they started studying in coffee shops as well sometimes. At one point Hanamaki suggested they could hang out at his place as well. Matsukawa never suggested that they could hang out at his place. Hanamaki never dwelled on it.
During their second year they continued to study in class, whether Hanamaki’s or Matsukawa’s. They also started to discover new coffee shops, each one of them having their own favorites. Hanamaki still suggested they could hang out at his place, but he also suggested they could go to Matsukawa’s sometimes. Matsukawa always had a good excuse.
“My place is way too far, it would be a bother.”
“I need to borrow a book from the library, can we go there instead?”
“My brother is sick, my parents don’t want me to bring people over.”
During their third year their habits mostly stayed the same. Except for the fact that Hanamaki didn’t believe in Matsukawa’s excuses anymore.
They were eating lunch, bathing in a comfortable silence, as they always did when they didn’t eat with Oikawa and Iwaizumi’s loud duo, when Hanamaki decided to bring out the subject out of nowhere. “You know, it’s fine, you don’t have to lie about it.”
Matsukawa looked at him, surprised. “Uh? What are you talking about?”
“If you don’t want to invite me over. I mean I understand if you don’t want me to meet your family or whatever, I know I’m weird and all.” Hanamaki tried to keep his tone as nonchalant as possible, not wanting to show Matsukawa that he was a bit hurt by his behavior, it wasn’t his fault, Hanamaki had probably done something weird and the other boy didn’t want his parents to think he had lame friends. Hanamaki knew next to nothing about his parents, he never talked about his family, maybe his parents were super strict with him. He must have his reasons and Hanamaki couldn’t be mad at him for it. “But you can just say it, you don’t have to lie about it.” he repeated.
Matsukawa’s face showed an expression Hanamaki couldn’t quite decipher, which was unusual. As Hanamaki was packing his lunch, trying to ignore the fact that the other boy still hadn’t answered, the bell rang. And then, “Come at my place, tonight, after practice.”
“What..? This is not why I said that.” Hanamaki was utterly confused, he had tried to casually invite himself over several times and it only worked when he finally gave up.
“If you don’t want to, you don’t have to.” Matsukawa stated without looking up from the bento he was casually wrapping up.
Hanamaki hurried to answer before he could change his mind. “No, no, I want to, I’ll come, today, after practice, right?” And if he seemed a little bit too eager he didn’t really care.
“Yes, that’s right.” Matsukawa said with a faint smile, not quite reaching his eyes, as the second bell rang.
After practice Matsukawa waited for him outside of the gym. He was very quiet all afternoon and flew out of the locker room as soon as he could. When Hanamaki joined him he just started walking, not even looking at his friend. Hanamaki knew something was wrong and, even if he didn’t know what exactly, he felt bad for having pressured Matsukawa to invite him over, even if unintentionally.
They took the train, the same one as usual, Matsukawa had told him before he lived on the same line, but many stops after his own. The ride was silent, none of them initiating conversation, they weren’t adept of small talks to begin with but the atmosphere was heavy today and none of them wanted to risk aggravating it. Considering that the ride would probably be a long one if what Matsukawa had said over the last year was anything to go by, Hanamaki just closed his eyes and waited for a sign from the other boy.
To his surprise, the sign came earlier than expected, maybe Matsukawa had changed his mind and was just indicating Hanamaki his own stop so he wouldn’t miss it to go home on his own. But no, they weren’t at Hanamaki’s stop. Still Matsukawa was tugging at his sleeve, telling him that they would get off the train here.
As they stepped on the platform Hanamaki couldn’t hold his questions anymore. “I don’t get it Matsukawa, is this really your stop? Do we need to grab something first?”
Matsukawa still wasn’t looking at him. “No, this is my stop.” He dodged someone. “This way.”
Hanamaki caught up to him, grabbing his wrist, forcing him to stop. “Matsukawa can you explain to me what happened to ‘my place is way too far’? Do we have to walk for one hour straight now?” Hanamaki never really raised his voice or lost his temper but he was very close to doing so, he understood nothing about the situation and Matsukawa was as closed off as ever. “You’re acting weird, just talk to me, please?” He was almost pleading.
Matsukawa started again, not even bothering to free his arm from Hanamaki’s grip. “Ten more minutes, just ten more minutes.”
Okay, Hanamaki could wait, he kept telling himself that his friend had his reasons, he had been doing that for several months now, he could do it a bit longer, ten more minutes wouldn’t kill him.
“There, this is my place.” Matsukawa said, pointing at a house across the street, and finally looked at him, probably to gauge his reaction. Hanamaki was able to look fully at his friend's face after a full afternoon of him fleeing away everytime he could and he wasn’t as glad as he thought he would be. Matsukawa looked… sad? And defeated?
He reached out to him, taking his face in his hand, forcing him to look him in the eyes and once this was done he simply took his hands and held them tight. “Hey, look I’m sorry, really, I didn’t know it was such a big deal for me to come to your place. I don’t know what I did but I’m sorry okay? Please just tell me?” He spoke in a small voice, trying to not stir up the other boy too much.
“Stop saying that, you didn’t do anything wrong.” Matsukawa sighed heavily. He freed one of his hands from Hanamaki’s one and gestured back to the house. “It’s just that I live here,” he inhaled deeply, “and my parents work there…”
Hanamaki looked back to the house and though he missed it when he first looked toward it, more focused on his friend at that moment, there was a funeral home.
Oh.
Oh.
Realization dawned on him. He took Matsukawa's hand back in his. “Is this… is this why you didn’t want to invite me over?”
Matsukawa nodded.
Hanamaki didn’t give a single fuck about where Matsukawa’s parents worked, or where they lived, but he knew that saying just that to him wouldn’t help. He thought of the best way to answer.
“Did you think I would care?” That’s the best he could come up with in such a short moment, trying to win a bit of time to judge the situation and reassure Matsukawa as best as he could.
“I don’t know… do you?” At this Matsukawa just sat on the street and pulled his knees up, wrapping his arm around it.
“I don’t.” He sat next to him, shoulder to shoulder. “Did I ever say something wrong? Something that could lend you to think that I would?” Hanamaki didn’t think it was the case but slip of the tongue or bad jokes could always happen, he just wanted to make sure. “If that’s the case I apologize. Even if that isn’t worth much.”
“No, I don’t think you ever did.” He buried his head in his arms. “I’m sorry Hanamakii, I was just so scared, I still am.”
Hanamaki hated to see him this vulnerable, he felt powerless. “Do you want to talk about it?”
“I don’t want you to leave me.” He instantly blurted out. That was not exactly what Hanamaki had imagined. Matsukawa looked at him, and a slight bit of anger rose in his voice. “You know how some people are, you know what they say about those whose work is related to death.” Hanamaki knew, he knew that despite the importance of death rituals in Japanese culture, those who performed them, or had a job related to death in any way, were seen as unclean. Sure it was a bit better nowadays but a lot of people were still hung up on those beliefs. “They say we’re unclean, untouchable. ” He lowered his voice, before adding, “I couldn’t bear the thought of you looking at me differently, not wanting to approach me anymore…”
Hanamaki didn’t wait a single second before throwing himself in Matsukawa’s arms, almost making them fall over. He didn’t care that they were still in the middle of the street. He didn’t care when he placed a small kiss on his forehead. He didn’t care when seeing the surprised look on his face he placed another one on his nose. He didn’t care when he nuzzled his head in the crook of his neck. And he didn’t care when he wrapped his arms so tight around his waist his joints were probably getting white. “I couldn’t care less, I won’t leave you.”
Matsukawa hugged him even tighter and placed a light kiss on his temple. “I don’t deserve you.”
“Yes you do.” He mumbled against Matsukawa’s skin. “Do you maybe want to go inside?”
“Can we stay like this a bit longer?” He answered sheepishly. “I swear not a lot of people come by this street.”
Hanamaki chuckled. “I don’t care about people.” He pulled back a little to look at the other boy who frowned at the loss of contact. “I’m not leaving, you big baby. So, I have several options : do you want to talk or just stay silent and cuddle a bit for now? Or do you wanna look at cute otters videos?” Whenever one of them was down they always offered different ways to help, it helped taking a bit of responsibilities away without pressuring anyone, leaving possibilities open.
“Maybe I want to talk about it a bit?” He wasn’t meeting Hanamaki’s gaze so the latter put his head back on his shoulder, this way Matsukawa would probably feel a bit less observed and thus more comfortable.
“Okay, do you want to tell me why you thought I would react badly? Did you have any reactions like that before?” He tried.
“Kinda? It started in primary school but it kinda got worse in middle school I guess.” Hanamaki hummed, encouraging him to continue. “When I was, I don’t know, around seven or eight, one of my friends stopped talking to me. I didn’t know why at the time but later I learned that it was because of his grandmother telling him I was unclean .” Hanamaki noticed the way his body flinched when he said this word and started rubbing circles on his back. “It was an isolated event and I didn’t know that it was a problem before my second year of middle school.” Matsukawa’s breathing was getting a bit ragged, a result of sadness mixed with a bit of anger.
“Hey, hey, it’s fine, take your time.” He whispered against his neck, playing with the hair at the nape of his neck.
“I had quite a big group of friends, not to brag or anything but I used to be quite popular.” He chuckled. “One day we were talking about, like, future careers and everything, and, oh man you have no idea how much I love and admire my parents! They’re incredible, as parents and as individuals you know? And to me their job was so cool, like yes sure it might be a bit weird at first but they helped so many people in such hard times. So of course I wanted to work in a funeral home as well, and I told them so, my friends I mean.” He said that with such assurance, such fervor. You could really feel his admiration for his family. “At first it didn’t change anything but slowly they started to avoid me, they didn’t eat lunch with me anymore, never let me touch their stuff anymore. In the end they stopped talking to me altogether.”
“That's so shitty Matsukawa, I’m so sorry.” He didn’t know what else to say. “I would have never asked you to invite me over if I knew.” He felt so upset, how could those kids treat him like this, treat his Matsukawa like this, how could they give up on this incredible boy for such a stupid and unfair reason? He wished he could have been there for him, he wished he could have said that they didn’t deserve him but he would never leave his side.
“But that’s the thing, I didn’t want you to know. I didn’t want any of you to know.” He took a deep breath, trying to calm himself down. “My parents worked so hard to be able to send me to Seijoh, to a prestigious school, the stigmas doesn’t make that really easy you know. I wanted to fit in, I wanted to make them proud, and so I hid it from everyone, well at least I tried…”
Hanamaki turned his head a bit to get a better look at Matsukawa. The way he had said that last sentence let him think that he wasn’t talking about him. He seemed down about it and so far Hanamaki’s discovery of Matsukawa’s family life was going well. “What do you mean you tried? You’re not talking about me there, right?”
Matsukawa looked down at him before throwing his head back, looking at the sky who was getting grayer by the second. “You know those kids at school who told me that my uniform doesn’t suit me? Well I saw them a few days before that, they passed by the funeral home as I was helping out my parents a bit, with cleaning and stuff.” Oh no they didn’t dare. “I guess they think I’m not worthy of a school like this one, I don’t know.” He shrugged.
“You look so good in that uniform! I hate those kids.” Matsukawa looked back at him, a little frown on his face. “No, no, don’t look at me like that, how dare they say stuff like that to you? I’m gonna beat them up. No, even better! I'm gonna ask Iwaizumi to beat them up.” Hanamaki said, very determined, looking him in the eyes. “You deserve this uniform as much as we do.”
Matsukawa then squeezed the life out of Hanamaki, whispering in his ear. “I’m so glad I met you and I’m so sorry for not trusting you more.” Hanamaki, out of breath, tapped frantically on his back, and Matsukawa relaxed his hold on him. “Sorry, sorry.” Hanamaki then noticed that tears had started to well up in the other boy's eyes.
“You don’t have to apologize. For not ‘trusting’ me I mean, not for almost choking me to death, I’ll take your apology on this.” Matsukawa had his fair share of fears and doubts and Hanamaki could not be mad at him for it if he tried. He was just glad his friend had finally opened up to someone, having to keep all those apprehensions to himself couldn’t be easy.
“But I’ll do it anyway, when I saw your face at lunch, you looked so… hurt, I know you tried to hide it but I- I never want to be responsible for that look on your face ever again.”
Hanamaki couldn’t resist placing a gentle kiss on his forehead once again. “You’re so cute when you worry about me.”
Matsukawa took the other boy’s face in his hands and kissed both of his cheeks in return. “You’re cuter than me though.”
Hanamaki felt a drop of rain on his hand. He then stood up, offering his hand to Matsukawa to help him to his feet. “Let’s get inside, shall we?”
“Yes, let’s go.” Matsukawa said with a genuine smile, scrunching up his eyes, as the second drop of rain fell.
“Oh my god!” Matsukawa raised an inquisitive brow at him. “I’m in your room! I’ve dreamed of this moment for so long!” That was partly true, obviously, but he said it in such an exaggerated way that it earned him an eye roll from the other boy.
The latter threw a sweater at him. “Come on you drama queen, put that on.”
“You like me like that anyway.” He teased, then took off his school uniform shirt and put on the comfier clothes Matsukawa had given him. “Didn’t picture you as a pink sweater guy.”
Matsukawa looked back at him, a tiny blush spread on his cheeks. “It’s funny seeing you in my clothes, I’m usually the one wearing yours. Never really thought this would happen to be honest.”
Hanamaki got a bit closer to him, wrapping his arm around his neck, a little smirk playing on his lips. “I hope you have a lot of other sweaters for me to try because I plan on coming here as often as I can.” He then spotted a framed picture behind him on his dresser and went to grab it with the impatience of a five years old child. “Is that your parents? And your siblings? You look so much like your sister, you were so young and your brother was so tiny, look at those tiny ass shoes that’s so cute.”
Matsukawa chuckled lightly then hugged him from behind, placing his head on his shoulder. “Yes, yes they are. My brother is starting to look a lot like me too actually.” Then a little pause. “Do you… Do you want to meet him? He’s probably in his room right now.” Matsukawa’s voice was unsure, wavering a bit.
“Really? I’d love to. Are you sure though? You seem to really love your family and-”
He just hummed and pulled him by the arm. “Let’s go, we never invite anyone over. He will be happy, surprised but happy.” Matsukawa smiled widely and Hanamaki was so glad to see him like this.
They made their way to his little brother’s room, Matsukawa opened the door slowly and made a shushing motion at Hanamaki, a playful smile tugging at his lips. They spot his brother, all dark and messy curls like his siblings, his back turned to them, headphones on, sitting at his desk. Matsukawa made his way to him as discreetly as possible and then suddenly grabbed his shoulders while yelling to scare him. The younger boy yelped and threw his pen at the other end of the room. Then, coming back to his senses, he jumped in his brother's arms. “You’re home!” Then he spotted Hanamaki, quietly laughing at the door, and muttered to his brother, loud enough for Hanamaki to still hear what he was saying. “Who is that at my door?”
Matsukawa put his brother back on the floor and turned toward Hanamaki, holding out his hand. Hanamaki walked toward him and grabbed it. “This is Hanamaki, Hanamaki Takahiro.”
“Is this the Hanamaki? For real?” The younger Matsukawa was literally beaming.
Oh . The Hanamaki . “So my reputation precedes me. I hope it’s a good one.” He kneeled in front of the younger boy. “Nice to meet you.”
“Mom thinks you don’t actually exist.” He stated simply. “I’m glad she’s wrong.”
He looked back at Matsukawa, who gave him an apologetic look. “I’m sorry, it’s because of the ‘not inviting you over’ stuff, she’s afraid I don’t actually have real friends in high school.”
Hanamaki rose up, smirking at his friend, wanting to tease him a bit. “So you talk about me uh?”
Matsukawa pushed him away but he was smiling. “Come on, of course I talk about you.” Maybe his cheeks grew a bit redder at the admission. He then turned to his brother who was back at his desk. “Did you pass by the shop to tell mom and dad you were home?”
“Will you ever stop with that? I forgot once Issei, once !” He threw his hand in the air for good measure.
“Yeah and we were all worried. I trust you okay? I was just making sure.” He ruffled his hair playfully. “Do you need help with your homework?”
The younger Matsukawa dropped his head on his desk. “I can’t remember my kanji, I mix them up all the time.”
“Oh Hanamaki comes up with great mnemonics for kanji!” Matsukawa said immediately, then mumbled under his breath when his brother raised his head, seemingly interested. “But he probably has better things to do I mean- Well-”
“So selfish Matsukawa, wanting to keep me all for yourself.” He winked at him then put his elbows on the desk. “So, want to show me which one you’re struggling with, little Matsukawa?” The younger’s eyes sparkled at this and they all went downstairs to study on the big table in the living room.
After a while they heard the front door opening. “We’re home.”
Matsukawa’s little brother almost flipped the table over to run to the door. “Mom! Dad! Issei brought a friend over!”
“Don’t run and yell like that sweetheart, especially if you want to joke on us.” His mother scowled gently.
“But it’s not a joke!” He said, pointing at Hanamaki who had risen up from his seat and slowly made his way to the door to greet their parents properly.
“Good evening, I’m Hanamaki Takahiro.” He bowed slightly. “Nice to meet you.”
“Oh. So you do exist!” Having already discarded her outerwear and bag in the entryway she made her way up to Hanamaki, she seemed as lively and easygoing as Matsukawa’s little brother, her motions hinting at an upcoming hug. But she was stopped by the hand of her husband on her shoulder, mouthing a small ‘sorry’ to the boy. However Hanamaki was determined to get his hug and show to each and every member of this family that he would never mind their touch despite what society might tell them sometimes. So he outstretched his arm and the woman he had never met before hugged him like her life depended on it. Then she stepped back a bit, still holding his shoulders, looking at him with tenderness in her eyes. “It’s nice to meet you too, I feel like I already know you! Issei can’t stop talking about you.”
“Okay, mom, that’s enough.” He pulled Hanamaki back from her hold. “Stop embarrassing me already.” He tried to hide his flushed face in his hands.
Matsukawa’s father finally made his presence known. “I’m glad to meet you too Hanamaki, will you stay with us for dinner? We were planning on eating curry, we definitely have enough for one more person.” He put his arm around Matsukawa’s shoulders. “Even if said person is a big athlete juste like our own son.”
Hanamaki turned to his friend, seeking his approval to accept the invitation, who just shrugged and smiled at him. “Sure, it would be a pleasure.” A wave of fondness took him over, seeing how those people he had never met just included him like he was their own family.
Hanamaki helped Matsukawa’s father to prepare the curry, talking with the whole family, scattered here and there in the kitchen and living room. He felt at home, he couldn’t begin to understand how those people never had anyone over, how people could dislike them, how people would not want to spend every moment of their lives with them. He was so glad to learn more about his closest friend, about the person he loved the most beside his own family, actually considering him family. So glad to meet his family, to see how close he was to them, how himself he was with them, all smile and laughter, his eyes filled with nothing but love and affection.
Hanamaki wanted to spend his whole life with this Matsukawa, his Matsukawa, to reassure him countless times that he would always be there, no matter what, that he could never leave him, never give up on him. Because he was extraordinary. He was thoughtful, he was always paying attention to his friends and surroundings, he was hard-working, he was dependable, he was gentle… But he was also stubborn, he was a very bad cook, he was indecisive, he was a sore loser when playing video games... He was all of those things and much more. And Hanamaki loved him for all of those things and nothing less.
Hanamaki wanted him to know that, he wanted to say it, loud and clear. And so he did. After a very nice dinner they went to Matsukawa’s bedroom, since the latter had invited him to stay over and Hanamaki’s parents didn’t pay any mind since they loved the other boy. They were getting ready to go to bed, the guest futon forgotten on the floor, they stopped using one long ago. “Say, if your mom thought I didn’t exist, where were you, hypothetically speaking, all those nights you spent at my house?”
Matsukawa looked at him, amused. “That’s what you got from all this evening of embarrassment, really?” He laughed faintly. “I don’t know, she probably didn’t think this through. I suppose she thought I did have some friends, but that you in particular didn’t exist.”
“Oh probably because, and I quote, I’m ‘really as nice and handsome’ as you told them, she couldn’t believe someone as awesome as me could really exist and befriend you.” He wiggled his eyebrows at him, dodging a pillow the other boy had tried to throw at him.
Matsukawa then tackled him to the bed, resting on top of him and hiding his face in his chest. He mumbled, almost inaudibly. “I hate them so much they’re so embarrassing, I’m sorry.”
Hanamaki shuffled a bit to settle in a better position, the other boy on his chest, their legs intertwined. They stayed like that for a bit, Hanamaki mindlessly playing with Matukawa’s hair while the other boy traced all sorts of lines and forms on his free arm. “Matsukawa?” The other boy hummed. “I really like your family.”
Matsukawa’s hand stilled on his arm. “Really?”
It was Hanamaki’s turn to hum. “And I really like you. You don’t realize how incredible you are, you’re kind, and caring. You’re always, always taking care of everyone around you, always taking care of me, and you need to let me take care of you as well. You are-”
Matsukawa put his hands on Hanamaki’s mouth, trying to silence him. “Oh my god what are you doing, stop that!”
Hanamaki freed his mouth. “Oh no, you’re gonna let me finish. You are the best person I’ve ever met and I love you so much,” He sat up, forcing Matsukawa to do the same, the both of them sitting face to face. “I want to spend the rest of my life by your side. And I know this may sound cliche, and ‘we’re too young for that’ and everything but I don’t give a-”
Matsukawa interrupted him, placing his hands on his cheeks, looking at him square in the eyes, cheeks as red as ever. “I want that too. To stay with you.”
“Good.” He nodded, his cheeks probably painted a deep blush as well. “That’s great. Because I’m not leaving you. You’re amazing and anyone who doesn’t realize that doesn’t deserve you.” Matsukawa seemed at a loss for words. “And you don’t have to say anything back or whatever you think you owe me, I can see the little gears in your head right now. I know words are not your forte and I don’t expect anything from you. You already show me your affection in other ways.” He heaved a deep sigh. “What I’m trying to say is that I’m sorry you didn’t feel like you could trust me sooner but I’m really thankful you finally did, because I love the parts of you I discovered today as much as I already loved the others.”
Matsukawa threw himself in his arms, making the both of them stumble back on the bed. He peppered his face with little kisses. “I really,” on his forehead, “really,” on his nose, “really,” on his temple, “love you.” He nuzzled his face in the crook of his neck, hugging him tight and pulling the covers on the both of them. “I don’t know what I did to deserve someone like you but I’m forever grateful.”
They both went to sleep with the comforting presence of the other, with the comforting knowledge that the other loved them as much as they did and with the comforting truth that it was not going to change anytime soon.