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Riki didn't know how he had ended up here - on the bathroom floor, blood dripping from his thigh and a small but dangerous piece of metal between his fingers.
He couldn't recall the exact moment his mind decided to make him do this stupid thing, how he even managed to bottle up his emotions long enough to relapse.
Relapse. He had feared the word, still did, it's the most terrifying thing on the way to recovery. When Riki had decided to finally stop this shit and recover he had already started to fear the day of a relapse and he had known that it would happen eventually.
But sitting here now, finally getting his mind back together and realizing what he had done made him nauseous. The smell of blood filled his nose and made him dizzy, the pain from his thighs spreading through his body and making him wince.
He remembered how it had all started. During I-Land days, when the stress of being a 14 year old boy in a foreign country which language he didn't fully understand, trying to get his place in the final line-up, had finally caught up to him.
It had been bad. He would hide in a bathroom, leaving one or two scars at his hips or thighs, always at places where he could hide them easily and never making too much at once. He had felt awfully alone that time, nobody to lean on, nobody to comfort him, just him, looking at all the other boys talking and him trying to keep up, always translating every single word in his head.
When he had finally done it, ranking fourth and getting his desired place in the line-up, a big amount of stress had been lifted off of his shoulders and he had promised himself to stop. And he had kept this promise, till now.
The pressure of a comeback, all the training, the promotions, the performances, all the stress, had caught up to him and now, after a particular bad day, he had ended up here. Sitting in his own blood, regretting everything that had happened in the past ten minutes.
In the living room and the kitchen he could hear the others laughing and bickering. All of them were stressed too but they tried to calm down by doing movie nights instead of cutting open their skin. He felt even more alone now.
Riki missed his mother, how she would comfort him and sing him a lullaby, he missed his father and his proud smile when Riki had done amazing at a performance, he missed his sisters and how he would bicker with them. He missed his family, his old friends, his old school, his room. He missed Japan, he missed his home.
And at the same time he felt bad for missing home because he had a home here too, in Korea. With his members, who were his friends and family, they were his home too! But still, Japan would always be his heart's home and he missed it.
Riki wondered if the other's felt like that too, especially Jake who was far away from his family too. He wondered if the others cried themselves to sleep too and if they felt sad whenever they saw something related to their home.
He was knocked out of his thoughts when the blade slipped from his fingers, making a strange sound on the bathroom tiles. On the blood covered bathroom tiles. The red fluid was forming a growing puddle, staining the white ceramic.
Slowly his mind was getting less fuzzy and the numbness decreased, the realization of what he had done finally hitting him. "Fuck", he mumbled, grabbing some toilet paper and covering the floor and his thighs with it. Quickly the paper was soaking with his blood but Riki just used some more to clean up this mess. The only problem he still had was where to hide the stained and soaked paper and after deciding that the trash can was not safe enough, he opened the toilet seat and flushed it all away. Flushed away the remains of what he had done to himself a few minutes ago, the remains that showed the darkest parts of his soul.
Riki had debated with himself often if he should tell his Hyungs, tell them about his struggles and that he needed help, that he felt lonely and alone, both at the same time.
Tears were welling up in his eyes. Yes, he needed help, he really did! He needed the others to help him clean his wounds after a relapse, he needed assuring words that it was okay, he needed hugs and cuddles and for the others to understand him. And he knew that his members would definitely help him.
He didn't want to continue cutting his skin to find relief of stress or to drown the numbness whenever he felt overwhelmed, he wanted to get rid of this unhealthy, dangerous habit now and he couldn't do it alone.
When his cuts finally stopped bleeding after cleaning them with water and pressing some more toilet paper on the wounds, Riki left the bathroom. He had been in there for approximately 30 minutes and it really was a miracle nobody had interrupted him!
The other boys were still in the kitchen and the living room, living their best life and Riki debated with himself if he should really ruin their evening by telling them about his secret. It didn't seem fair to interrupt their happiness but at the same time it didn't feel fair that Riki had to fight his demons all by himself.
His eyes were still red, his face swollen and his cheeks tear-stained when he entered the living room, where Heeseung, Jay, Sunghoon and Sunoo were sitting - or in Sunoo's case, laying - on the couch.
Jungwon and Jake seemed to be in the kitchen, making food or just not taking part of their movie night (Riki wasn't sure if you could call it that because the movie was muted and nobody was paying attention to it). He stopped in the door frame, just standing there, unsure what to do now. Jay was the one to speak up first.
"Won't you sit down? I'm sure Sunoo would love to make some space for you", he said, putting his phone down while speaking. "Riki?", he could see the boy's sad and teary face and was concerned immediately.
"Hey, what's going on?", the rest of the members looked up at him too, worried looks replacing their smiles. Sunoo sat up, looking Riki up and down several times, checking him for any hint on what was going on.
"I need to talk to you, all of you", Riki answered, his voice quiet and vulnerable but at least steady. Jay nodded, "Jake? Jungwon? Could you come here please?", he called, his gaze never leaving Riki.
Riki felt his heartbeat increasing, nervous about how his members were going to react, how he was even going to tell them in the first place. It wasn't like he could just say "Hey, by the way, I self-harm" and then leave, it was more than that and he wanted to explain himself, make the others understand why he did it.
Jake and Jungwon came from the kitchen, squeezing themselves on the coach too and looking up to Riki. He felt uncomfortable standing in front of them like that, the others all looking up at him with concerned and confused looks on their faces. Riki sat down on the edge of the couch next to Jay.
"I... It-", he took a deep breath, trying to calm his nerves. These were his bandmates, his friends, his family, they were not going to be mad, just worried. "I did something bad", he mumbled, his mouth dry because he knew he would have to explain it further, none of them would figure it out like this.
"What do you mean?", Jungwon asked. "Did you destroy something? Did you do something against the company's rules?", the leader's voice was soft but concerned, he was obviously trying to find out what was going on. "Schh", Jay hushed softly, making a hand movement to stop Jungwon from speaking.
"What did you do, Riki?", Heeseung asked, also soft but still stern, it was obvious that he wanted a clear and direct answer from the Maknae. "I... I h-hurt myself", Riki stuttered, looking at the ground, ashamed of himself. "On accident or on purpose?", Jay wanted to know, his voice calm but a bit higher than usual.
"On... On purpose", Riki managed to get out, and then it was quiet in the room and it made him anxious, tears welling up in his eyes and his skin getting itchy. Why did nobody say anything? He didn't care if they screamed or shouted, laughed or cried, he just wanted them to react. He looked up for a split second and wished he didn't.
Jungwon looked like somebody had slapped him, his eyes glowing but in a sad way as if he was trying to figure out what had happened in the past minutes, hours, days, weeks, months or even years. Heeseung and Jay seemed to have a silent conversation, just looking at each other and blinking. Sunoo was crying, the horror written on his face too, Sunghoon had a hand on his mouth while rubbing Sunoo's back and Jake looked at the ground, shaking his head and mumbling something.
If Riki had felt awful about telling them in the first place, he now felt like the most horrible person on earth, traumatizing these sunshines like that. He felt like running, just running away from everything, his home, his members, his responsibilities, the stress. But he was still a child, he wouldn't come far, so now he had to live with the image of his members, shocked and sad, burned in his mind. He wished he could turn back time and not tell them in the first place and instead deal with it on his own.
"Could you show us? Or one of us at least?", Heeseung spoke up, being the eldest and most responsible of the group - at least he had to be, especially now. "I-I, it's-", Riki got interrupted by Jake, who looked up, his eyes red. "Could you show me? Only me?", he asked and something told Riki that Jake was the best option, that Jake understood him without an explanation. He didn't know why he felt like that but he decided that Jake would be his best option and nodded. "Y-Yeah", so Jake stood up, gently taking Riki's arm and leading him to the bathroom.
The moment the door closed behind him, he could hear the others start talking, everybody saying something at the same time and interrupting each other. Jake sat him down on the toilet seat and went to one of the cabinets, opening it and getting an antiseptic, band aids and some ointment.
Jake didn't say anything when he gathered the stuff and laid it down on the ground, only when a quiet sob escaped Riki's mouth, he looked the boy in the eyes, his gaze soft. "Hey, you don't have to cry, I get it, okay?", he brushed a hand through Riki's hair and wiped his tears away.
"Where are the cuts?", Jake asked gently and Riki pointed to his thighs, he tried to see a reaction in Jake's face but he only nodded. "Could you take off your pants then? I need to see them", Riki obeyed, carefully removing the fabric. The cuts were red and bloody, still leaking a bit and they definitely hurt.
Jake wiped them with some tissues, slowly and gently before spraying some antiseptic on the wounds, making Riki hiss. "I know, I'm sorry", Jake mumbled. "How did you know?", Riki asked suddenly, when a realization hit him. "Hmm?", Jake hummed. "How did you know I have fresh cuts?", Riki rephrased his question.
"You spent some time in the bathroom. And I figured that you probably had a reason to tell us right now, something that made you realize 'I should tell my Hyungs and it made sense that this hit you while cutting", Jake explained, grabbing the ointment.
They sat in silence some more, everybody lost in their own thoughts until Riki spoke up again. "You did it too", he guessed but Jake shook his head. "No, Riki, I didn't... But a friend did", and Riki understood why Jake had reacted the way he had done and why Riki had felt the most comfortable with Jake treating his wounds.
"I had a feeling that you understand me", Riki said. "Understanding is a big word, I don't think I will ever understand what exactly goes on in people's mind when they self harm but I understand that you do it for a reason, that it does something to you. And I don't judge you for it.", Jake explained. "I don't think the others understand it yet", Riki replied, anxiety creeping up his throat and making it harder to talk.
"But they will. Maybe not right away but some day they will", Jake put a band aid on the last wound. "We should talk to the others, don't you think?", and Riki realized that Jake had said 'we', he was going to help Riki and the boy felt confidence spreading through his body. "Yeah".
The talking stopped the moment Jake and Riki entered the living room, the other's looked both boys up and down, trying to sense how bad it was from Jake but he kept a straight face, for Riki.
Sunoo opened his arms, inviting Riki for cuddles and he immediately threw himself on his Hyung. Sunoo hugged him close, not letting him go, Sunghoon next to them chuckled and rubbed Riki's back comfortingly.
"We should talk", Heeseung said and the others hummed to agree. Jungwon still seemed pretty shaken, he was laying in Jay's arms, tear-strained cheeks and red eyes showing that he had cried a lot.
Riki sat up, Sunoo still hugging him like a Koala. "Just ask, I will answer all your questions", he promised, even though he was anxious about it. Jay and Heeseung exchanged some more looks, they obviously had talked about what to ask Riki once he was back in the living room. Riki could only guess but Jungwon was probably beating himself up for not realizing what their maknae was doing to himself.
"When did you start?", Jay asked.
"During I-Land", Riki heard someone gasp quietly. "But I stopped pretty fast again, it's just... Today was a relapse and that's why I realized I couldn't do this alone, that I need your help", Sunoo was pressing himself more into Riki's back, not letting go of the Maknae.
"Why did you do it?", Sunghoon wanted to know.
"During I-Land it... It was just a lot of stress, I felt alone most of the time. Like I barely had friends and nobody really liked me. And I was in a foreign country, so far away from my family, it was just too much, you know", Riki explained, playing with his fingers.
The others were quiet, fighting with their emotions. They couldn't help but think it was their fault. For leaving Riki alone, for not welcoming him enough, for not looking after him even though he was only 14 years old during I-Land, a child.
"Why did you relapse? Like, what was the reason? Do you feel stressed? Alone?", Heeseung asked.
"Yeah", Riki mumbled, his voice breaking and a sob leaving his body. "Oh baby", Sunoo kissed his cheek. Jungwon finally seemed to get out of his headspace, jumping up and hugging Riki. The others followed, forming a big mess of limbs, hugging each other. Riki kept sobbing, finally letting out the emotions he had stuffed deep inside him for weeks.
Jungwon wiped his tears. "I'm sorry, I feel so bad, I should have looked after you", he whispered. "It's o... okay H-Hyung, I didn't... Didn't w-want you guys to... To kn- know", Riki sobbed. He felt relieved. The others here, ready to help and fight his demons with him. They slowly got out of the hug, settling around Riki on the couch and the floor.
"I'm sorry", he mumbled. "It's okay, Riki", Jay said, gently patting his knee. "I miss my parents", Riki told them. "So much! It's not like, like you guys ar-aren't my family but... I just miss them", he wiped his tears away with his sleeve. "We understand. You haven't seen them in so long and you are so young, I can't even imagine how you must be feeling", Heeseung replied. "And with the comeback stress, you must have also felt crushed by everything else, hmm?", Jake assumed and Riki nodded. "It was just too much", he answered quietly, choking on a sob and more tears rolling down his cheeks.
He felt so, so much relief. A lot of his stress just got taken away and the homesickness didn't feel that bad anymore. The knowledge that his members were by his side helped a lot. "We will help you, Riki, I promise", Jungwon said. "We will get you a therapist, talk to the management, you are not alone, okay?", and Riki nodded, wiping his last tears and taking a deep breath.
"Thanks Hyung, really. To all of you", Sunoo cooed, cuddling into Riki's side again. "You are a great leader, Woonie Hyung. The best", he added, taking Jungwon's hand and pressing it. "Thank you".
The oldest members slowly started to get up from the floor, only Jake stayed, laying his head on Riki's legs, like a dog that wanted to show his love and support to his owner. Riki stroked Jake's hair. "Stop it or I'm gonna bark", he laughed but didn't fight Riki when he kept brushing his fingers through Jake's hair.
"What do you guys think about ordering food?", Heeseung asked and cheers erupted in the living room. "Great. Okay, starting off with Sunghoon, what do you want?", Jay asked, taking a note block and a pen.
The maknae-line and Jake stayed in the living room while the other three went to the kitchen, getting a phone and calling a restaurant. Riki closed his eyes, cuddling into his Hyungs. "I love you", Sunoo whispered from time to time, Jungwon was pressing small kisses against Riki's head every now and then and Jake did not let go of the maknae, not even for a second.
"Thank you", Riki said one last time before slowly drifting into unconsciousness, the others would wake him up when the food was here...