Work Text:
***
Tetsuya Naito.
Even just thinking the name made Jay's head spin a little. Made it hard to focus. And he had no idea why. It should have just been a stupid crush. That sort of thing was probably bound to happen and with time, it would fade like it should. Naito was so far above him that he could barely see him and that was the way it should be. He could admire and acknowledge but someone like Naito would never even know his name outside of 'that one Young Lion.'
But it was more difficult than Jay had imagined to forget the playful sparkle in those eyes and the way that smirk only made him want to be closer. He'd dealt with pain in the past, though, and he could make these feelings go away if he just forced them down consistently enough - with enough intent. If he kept his mind from drifting to thoughts of Naito's hands while he lay awake at night too exhausted to sleep, then everything would just disappear eventually.
Jay had moved to an entirely different country with only the barest understanding of the language so he could do exactly what he was doing. Training to be a professional wrestler with the greatest company in the world. That lion mark on his shirt meant more to him than he knew how to explain. The tiniest hint of a sense of belonging that he had never known before. This was where he was meant to be. In the halls of the dojo, on that cerulean blue mat, and walking the streets of Japan. It wasn't home but he had never really thought of a place like that anyway.
New Zealand was so much different than this but he didn't really miss it. Not quite. Jay had fond memories of the way the air would smell after it rained and the squish of warm sand beneath his toes. But those things paled in comparison to the ring he was slowly coming to know. He had always felt awkward inside of his own skin but that feeling faded away once he was in between the ropes. He knew who Jay White was then.
But not Jamie.
And Jamie had followed him from New Zealand no matter how badly he had wanted to leave him behind. That quiet boy who had bounced from house to house and relative to relative because family was only a word. That uncertain teenager who hesitated over every word and every action. Jamie who gathered the only courage he had ever possessed to take that first step on the road that Jay now walked.
A road that had led him directly to Tetsuya Naito.
That hadn't been the point - not in the beginning, anyway. Naito's wrestling had drawn him in more than anyone else's - a shining spotlight on what could be - but it had only cemented this decision of his inside of his own heart. The Stardust Genius had been breathtaking in a way that hurt. But even though he had the slightest inklings of its painful genesis, it was the Naito that walked to the ring these days that captivated him. A crush based on physical attractiveness wasn't that surprising - he had eyes - but that wasn't what this was. Crush couldn't possibly encompass this feeling that followed him everywhere, even into his dreams. It was the way he could swear that he understood the meaning of each tilt of Naito's head. It was the agony in that dismissive, blank expression as those beautiful eyes swept across the crowd - a visible wound that made his heart feel protective over someone who wouldn't remember his existence in the morning.
But that wasn't the worst part.
Every night he braced himself for something that was harder and harder to forget. A feeling that lingered unlike anything else ever had. Each time their eyes met, it was a gaze that he just couldn't hold. He didn't dare. It hurt too much. Because for a single heartbeat, Jay felt seen. Like Naito could see everything that he had felt - ever endured - and liked what he saw. Like Naito saw his own wounds and understood how badly they still ached.
For a single heartbeat, Jay believed in something that he had known was impossible.
Those moments were something too precious to avoid and something too difficult to last. It wasn't that no one had ever looked at him like that. This was more than that. In a single moment, it felt like Naito had been looking for him for so long. Like he felt this warmth too. Like Jay was there with him in his dreams.
Impossible.
He knew that was impossible. He was nothing in comparison to Tetsuya Naito. Potential to be molded but not by him. Jay had watched the other Young Lions with their senpai. Watched them be chosen and taken under a careful eye. But he stood alone. Nothing other than that potential to draw in someone to worry about his in-ring development. No lengthy lunches away from the dojo or extra sessions in the ring. Just him doing his best. But that was fine. He was going to become someone. Everyone would know him then.
Even if no one's gaze ever again felt like Naito's - like they were meant to know each other.
Naito rarely visited the dojo, only floating through as if he had better things to do on the most random occasions. Jay did his best to hide away on those days. Run errands elsewhere. Wash dishes or do laundry. It was easier to avoid those eyes around the ring - too much to do - but when Naito was in the dojo, his heart hated it. Because he wanted him to be there for him. To be there seeking him out and not as his senpai. That wasn't what he wanted but even that sort of thing was too much to ask for. And it would be nice if his heart ever figured that out.
Would have been nice.
Because now, Jay didn't know how to stop it from yearning. How to explain to it that what had happened was a single moment in time. The sort of thing that would never happen again because it had no basis in reality. It had just been a trick of his mind - a beautiful illusion. Maybe he would have had success if that warmth hadn't felt real enough to wrap himself up in.
Naito had reached for him.
A simple thing - a hand touching his - but it was the way it hadn't been accidental. Naito had touched him on purpose to reassure him. Jay's mind had frozen all together at the contact and he was pretty sure that he had forgotten how to breathe. They had been at Korakuen Hall a few nights ago and David had been giving him instructions, joking that Jay was invisible to Naito so he should leave him alone.
The word itself had pierced - too close to the truth his heart fought to ignore - but that damage had faded at something as simple as physical contact. Wrestling was all about touching someone else but this hadn't been that. Naito had caressed the back of his hand like it was the first time he had ever touched someone like that. It had been gentle and nervous and seemed like it had almost overwhelmed them both.
But the words.
It was the things that Naito had said that his heart clung to with a fierce desperation. Proof that it was right and his doubt was wrong. Gentle words that had done nothing but settle underneath his skin so they could follow him into his dreams along with all the rest. Sweet words that couldn't possibly be real. But Jay had heard them. Heard Naito's heart in them.
Felt one of those hands ever-so-carefully wrap around one of his own as if Naito was afraid that he was a dream too.
There had been something comforting about that tentativeness. The way that Naito seemed to be as scared as he was - no matter how impossible that was. But there they had been. The two of them sitting side-by-side smiling at each other - holding hands in the loosest definition of such a thing - because Naito wanted to be there with him.
Jay needed to figure out how to let go of the hope welling up inside of him, threatening to choke him a little more each day. And it had only been three days ago. How could he possibly function like this? His heart yearned and dreamed without his permission - incapable of understanding that it was only a moment. It wasn't a beginning. It was a handful of minutes that would never come again. Something Naito had probably already forgotten. Even if it was a memory that would probably never fade for him.
It had happened, Jay knew that. But he was also equally aware that for as real as it had been, it was nothing more than a passing thing. That was how his life worked. It didn't matter how many more moments he wanted. Jay had been good enough for that single one and that would have to do. Whether or not it felt like they saw each other, he was so far beneath Naito that he would never bother to reach for him again. Why would he?
And that was why Jay was hiding out here. Perched on the steps by a side exit, staring out at a lifeless alleyway.
Naito was making one of his random appearances at the dojo and he didn't even have the courage to stay in the same building. There hadn't been time to make an excuse. He'd simply slipped away unnoticed - he was very good at that. His disappearance would go unremarked on and life would continue on. Jay had no idea how long he was going to sit out here but it wasn't the first time he'd found himself on these steps - half-hunched over and overwhelmed - and he doubted it would be the last time.
Remaining within view of those beautiful eyes was beyond him. His heart unwilling to see the truth, desperate to hold onto its fantasies for even a day longer. Out here in the alley, Naito couldn't look past him. Those eyes couldn't gaze upon him without a single spark of tenderness - without a hint of recognition - if he couldn't be seen. Jay knew it was cowardly and yet another reminder why nothing would come of that moment but he couldn't bear to see that sight quite yet.
Later.
They were back at Korakuen Hall tomorrow. Naito could look beyond him then when Jay was as nameless and as faceless as the crowd he now despised. Maybe it would hurt less when he was surrounded by guardrails and ring ropes. When he had his own match to look forward to. His own progress to focus on.
"Jay?"
It was only his sense of balance that kept him from tipping over in surprise. How lost in thought had he been? It gave him a flashback to that moment and the total shock that had made him fall backward. Because that was Naito's voice.
What was he doing out here?
Not looking up would be so rude but Jay didn't know if he could. He wasn't prepared for this. Not for that voice or the closeness or those eyes. It was something that he needed to steel himself for. Jay had been surprised last time too and he had said things that he had known he had to keep to himself. Shared the tiniest bit of those feelings floating around in his heart.
He didn't dare look up.
"Naito-san."
That wasn't what Naito had said to call him but that had been in that moment. This was something different. He didn't have that right to be that little bit familiar with him.
"Jay." But that was ache in Naito's voice and it took effort to keep his eyes staring at his knees. "Please…"
For a few heartbeats, Jay waited for more words. Held his breath in anticipation of Naito saying more. But nothing happened. Nothing more but that ache and that please. It was so soft and so close to pleading that it was impossible to believe that Naito had already forgotten what had happened last time.
It sounded like he had been dreaming too.
The air changed beside him and Jay realized that Naito was sitting down next to him. Not close enough to touch but near enough to feel.
Feel that warmth that only grew stronger with each passing second. It was a scant few centimeters between them but somehow it felt like an ocean. Like they were so far apart even though they were together like this. And yet, Jay still couldn't look up at him. His heart longed to see the expression on his face so badly but it lacked the bravery to try.
"I used to sit out on these steps too." And that softness was still there and he wondered how many people had heard Naito talk like this. "When training was too much and I needed to take a breath."
Naito had done this too.
These steps were something else that they shared.
But instead of focusing on that, his doubting mind could only think about how it was only yet another thing that emphasized the distance between them. It had been years and years since Naito had been where he was now. He had seen and done so much more than Jay had. What could he possibly offer Tetsuya Naito other than a single quiet moment in Korakuen Hall?
"Does that bother you?" So much hesitation about him. "That I'm older than you?"
And that was fear in Naito's voice. Like the idea of rejection was something that haunted him. Like he was afraid of Jay. Scared of his reactions and his words. But why? And how had he even noticed that?
"It's not…" His mouth started to move before he could tell it to but Jay was somehow compelled to keep speaking. "I'm so far beneath you."
The sensation of Naito's hand came closer to his skin - hovering over his own hand - but they still didn't touch. His words hung and lingered in the air between them. And Jay still didn't look up. How could he? But he couldn't get up and walk away either. Jamie was too weak for moments like these.
"Beneath me?" And Naito sounded something more than hurt. Something deeper that Jay felt in his own heart. "That's not…" His hand was even closer but he still hesitated. "But you're…" If he didn't know better, Jay would have sworn that was a whimper. "... you're Jay."
Jay.
Naito said his name like it was an answer and a question all at the same time. Like Jay was the one that was breathtaking and too far above him to be visible. Like it didn't matter that he was a Young Lion - only that he was himself.
Impossible.
It should be impossible. But his heart was screaming at him to recognize the tenderness in Naito's voice. To notice how - even though they weren't touching - he could feel Naito trembling nonetheless. To realize that of everywhere that he could be at this moment, he was here with Jay.
Because you're here.
Naito had said that before. Stated something so incomprehensible so plainly as if it needed no further explanation. Jay was here so that was where Naito wanted to be. And he still couldn't look up. But he wanted to. His eyes tried to shift their gaze but they focused on Naito's hand so near his own instead.
Could that possibly be okay?
Would Naito disappear if he reached for his hand?
Could he have just a little bit more? Just one more moment?
His fingertips touched the back of Naito's hand and everything slowed down. There was a tension there under his skin as Jay's featherlight caress continued. A tangible sort of fear. And no matter how his own heart was racing, that fear mattered more. So he kept up the motion, letting his fingers travel along the edge of Naito's hand until they were just barely touching the palm.
Jay had never tried to hold someone's hand before.
It should be simple enough but it was the type of physical affection that he had never experienced. Something to reassure them both. Because he could feel the way Naito was trembling beneath his fingertips - something as real as everything had been before. That warmth was real, too. And so were Naito's words and his presence.
Jay had never tried to believe before.
But his ever-so-lonely heart knew how to curl his fingers and grip. Knew how to take a hold of Naito's hand, tightening that grip just enough to be gentle. Enough to make it matter. It took all of his practice to keep from making a sound at something so small but so significant.
Look what he had done.
"Jay…"
It wasn't ache in that voice now. It was longing. That was wonder and affection and so many other things that his mind didn't know how to process. And his instinct was to dismiss it. To write off those feelings as something that would quickly falter and fade. But Naito was here. Holding onto his hand in return and holding his breath just the same as him.
"Naito."
And even though he didn't say a word, Jay could still hear Naito encouraging him to look up. Almost begging him to be a little bit braver. To find the courage to share another moment with him. But Jay was selfish in too many ways. He didn't want another moment. He wanted all of them. Even the tiniest taste had made him greedy with possibilities alone. It didn't seem to matter how much he told himself to stop - to forget - his dreams still featured impossible things like kisses and embraces and quiet mornings.
But even though it could only be one more moment, Jay still wanted it for his very own. Wanted another memory to keep him warm. Naito was here with him. It couldn't possibly last - Naito would get bored of his uncertainty and his silences - but he had this. Even if this time was finite and painful, he could still have this tender Naito ever-so-briefly.
So he looked up.
For a single moment, there was a delicate and gentle smile on his face as their eyes finally met. But the emotion in those eyes that saw so much - too much - quickly turned into sadness.
"You don't believe me, do you?" How could there be such pain in that voice? "You don't…"
He needed to get better at hiding his thoughts and his emotions from everyone. No one had ever looked beyond his passive expression but that wasn't enough to hide him from Naito. Jay had to remember that. That was the only way that he could ever be safe. He was going to be one of the best wrestlers Japan had ever seen and that could only happen if no one knew him.
No matter how badly he wanted Naito to know him better than he knew himself.
It would be easier if he looked away - if he walked away - but the anguish in Naito's eyes made it so Jay couldn't even blink. What was all that?
"How do you know that?" Jay could hear his own voice cracking and rising but he couldn't stop it. "How can you see that?"
"I don't know. I just…" Naito squeezed his hand ever-so-gently. "It's like I'm meant to know you, Jay."
Meant to know.
Naito felt the same things he did. Somehow, it was yet another thing they shared. It was still impossible but Jay was looking into Naito's eyes as they worriedly searched his face for a sign - for anything. And it was too much. Overwhelmed, Jay squeezed his eyes shut even as Naito made that sound that in another reality could have been a whimper.
It was safer in the dark.
"Oh…"
Silence lingered between them but Jay didn't know how to break it anymore than he knew how to reopen his eyes. So much would be easier on his heart if he just walked away. But the hand holding his was still shaking and leaving that felt wrong. So he stayed, frozen-in-place. He held onto Naito's hand.
Naito moved, though, and Jay almost jumped out of his skin. Because Naito wasn't getting up and walking away. He wasn't leaving him just yet. Instead, Naito had moved closer. That handful of centimeters was completely gone and they were touching. Shoulder to shoulder. Hip to hip. Arm to arm. And it seared right through his skin. It should have been excruciating.
It should have been.
That fire didn't burn, though. It healed - cauterizing a part of his heart that felt like it was bleeding. And the weight. The tiny bit of extra pressure of Naito's body against his own as if he trusted Jay to keep him steady. They were so close now. Even with his eyes still shut, Jay could feel Naito looking at him. Hoping that he had taken this exact comfort from the way they were touching like this.
"No one has…" His mouth felt too dry to continue but Naito began to gently stroke the back of his hand with his thumb and it was enough to loosen his tongue. "... has seen me so easily."
Another impossible whimper.
"Leóncito…" That word again. That improbable familiarity. "Could you please look at me?" And his voice shook as if asking something of him was frightening for Naito. "I…"
Naito's words trailed away like his courage was spent even as their handhold shifted ever-so-slightly like he was tempted to try and lace their fingers together. But that faltering gave Jay a little bit more strength - his heart unwilling to abandon Naito to flounder alone. So he braced himself for the sight of that searching gaze so close and opened his eyes.
And that urge to close them again - to look away - just wasn't there. Because Naito's expression was so delicate. Full of wonder and gentleness. Softness just for him. But it was the fear that made his own heart ache in return. The worry that darkened those beautiful eyes. And his own thumb matched Naito's careful caress without thinking - a barely audible gasp echoing between them.
"Don't be scared, Naito."
That was too familiar - too much - and for a single moment, Jay wished that he could take it back. Hide those words away like he wanted to hide so many wants and dreams. But that only lasted for a moment. Naito's eyes widened and something just fell away from him - a tension or a weight - but something visible to Jay anyway. He looked as overwhelmed as he made Jay feel.
"Jay…" His name had never sounded like a blessing before. "Do you know how few people could see such a thing in me?"
What?
That fear was there - written so clearly along the edges of his expression. It had been because with each word, that fear had faded away into an affection that was as unknown to him as all the rest of this had been. Like Naito had found not only comfort but hope in his pathetic words. Something that should be as impossible as everything else was supposed to be but this close Naito's eyes almost sparkled with it.
All he could do in response was slowly shake his head back-and-forth. It didn't make any sense. Naito couldn't possibly be as alone as he was. Or was there a gap between him and others that he let those few cross? Was that it? How could he - Jamie White - be one of those few? Why him?
"I wish I knew how to help you understand. You're…" Once again, Naito hesitated and Jay wasn't sure why. "... would you believe me if I told you that I came here to see you?"
Him.
Naito was here for him?
Jay wasn't sure what was harder to believe: that Naito was telling the truth or that something he wanted had come true. Because the tone of that voice told him that Naito wasn't referring to wrestling or training or anything like that. This was far more personal than that. Somehow, Jay knew that too.
He didn't know how to believe but he knew.
"I…"
The warmth in Naito's eyes felt like it was trying to reassure him through sight alone. Jay had no idea that anyone could look so soft. And it was an expression meant for him. It was something that Tetsuya Naito was feeling because of him.
"I know there's a show tomorrow but I couldn't wait any longer to see you." And that was embarrassment in the way Naito glanced away for a split-second. "I looked all over the dojo for you but you weren't there." Jay tried to picture him poking his head in random rooms in hopes of finding him and he could almost see it in his mind. "So I came out here like I used to."
His voice was so careful as if he was worried that each word might be one too many and his heart wanted to tell him to not be scared again. Jay wished he knew how to understand what was going on. Knew how to rationalize away this feeling like he should be doing. But they were gently pressed together on uncomfortable steps they shared and Naito was here for him and his heart wanted this moment to never end.
"I'm glad you did."
For a second, Jay worried that he hadn't been heard - sometimes his words could be so easily missed - but slowly, Naito smiled. And he had never seen a smile like that - not even from Naito. He didn't know how to describe it or attach an emotion to it but his heart recognized it as something to be cherished.
"Does that mean I could see you smile, leóncito?"
It was another tentative question and something about it made his heart lurch. Naito had said that he had never seen anything like his smile but this was more than that. This was Naito looking so hopeful that he might be given something so small. He wasn't asking Jay for much - not really - but he had no clue how to deal with the idea that his smile could matter like that. How to stay and to try and to share.
But the longer he held himself still, the more that hope began to waver. Faltering in the wake of his silence. Why was this so hard? Naito only wanted him to smile. He had a dozen of them at his disposal. Paper-thin and false and blank. But Jay didn't want to smile like that and he knew that one of those smiles wasn't what Naito wanted to see either.
Naito wanted the smile that Jay had shown him the last time they were close like this. The one that he hadn't even realized that he was making until Naito had smiled at him in return. Jay had fought himself over and over again trying to keep those smiles to himself. No one had ever had any need for them and Naito would never be any different.
Except maybe he was.
"You don't have to. It's okay. I shouldn't…"
And now he had made Naito sad. However, in some sort of twisted way, that actually helped. He wasn't anything but in this moment, he mattered - his smile mattered - to Naito.
"I want to, Naito. I'm just stuck."
"Stuck?" Naito sounded equally confused and amused. "Can I help?"
Jay's first instinct was to say no. He didn't need anyone or anything. He could take care of himself. There was no point in expecting anyone to ever be there at his side. But that was exactly where Naito was. Ever-so-lightly leaning against him - the warmth between them steadfast and sure.
Holding his hand.
Offering to help even if he didn't understand why or how Jay was struggling.
"I don't know."
Naito didn't look discouraged by his answer in the way Jay had assumed he would be. Instead, the light in those beautiful eyes only brightened as if him answering at all was enough.
"You hide things so deep that it's hard to find them." All Jay could do was nod in response. Because that's what it felt like and somehow Naito knew that. "Don't be scared, leóncito."
Little lion.
Looking that up had been one of the first things Jay had done after they parted ways last time. He supposed that it could be a reminder of his status as a Young Lion but it didn't feel like that. And somehow, Jay knew that it wasn't meant like that. There was too much tentative affection in it. In only a few nights, it had become an endearment in his dreams - that Naito whispering it softly in his ear as he held him.
Could Naito possibly know that no one had ever given him even a nickname before? Was that another thing that he inexplicably understood or did he name everyone like that? The latter made more sense - that it was a habit and a pattern of Naito's - but that wasn't what Jay's heart wanted.
And he liked the way it sounded when Naito said it.
"I'm terrified."
And maybe he could use leóncito as an excuse as to why he had admitted that out loud. Why did so many things escape him when he still couldn't smile?
"I know." Naito squeezed their joined hands ever-so-slightly. "Jay… I know."
The emphasis was probably unnecessary because Jay could see it so clearly in Naito's warm eyes. He knew how scared he was because they were both scared. It was yet another thing that they shared and Jay was almost fascinated by how he could possibly frighten Naito like that. But he did.
They both wanted more.
Jay wanted to reassure him. He had never been a source of comfort for anyone. Had never imagined that anyone would look to him for something like that. Even here in the dojo, he was helpful for doing extra chores or spotting during a workout. He wasn't a shoulder to cry on or lean against.
Like Naito was doing right now.
Pressed against him. Leaning against him just enough to trust him with the tiniest bit of his weight. It made Jay think about putting his arm around Naito's shoulders and pulling him just a tiny bit closer. He wouldn't - letting go of his hand seemed impossible right now - but he could. Maybe someday he would.
But there was something that he could do in this moment of theirs. Taking a deep breath that seemed to bring back that nervousness to Naito's eyes, Jay lightly leaned into him. Trust him to not pull away. Not get up and walk away. They were almost huddled together now - a warmth Jay hoped Naito found as soothing as he did.
And his beautiful smile softened as those eyes searched his own. Jay didn't know what he could be seeing there this time but he hoped that Naito could see the very beginning of belief that was starting to form deep down in his heart. It wasn't anything he could give a voice to yet but he felt it.
Wanted to share it someday.
Wanted to share more with Naito.
"Could you tell me a story?" He sounded so stupid. But Naito wasn't looking at him like that had even crossed his mind. All Jay saw was curiosity. "I don't really have any good training stories but I thought you might and we could spend a little bit more time together if you wanted to and I…"
The words just kept going and going as his own nervousness got the better of him. But asking Tetsuya Naito for something was just so much.
"Leóncito… you talk so fast when you're nervous." There was wonder in his voice as if it was an observation he was delighted to be allowed to make and such fondness in that smile of his that Jay felt his face flush. "But it would make me happy to have even another minute with you."
But no matter the type of smile or the tone of his voice, Jay still felt like he needed to provide him a way out. The opportunity to walk away from more moments with him.
"Naito… you don't have to…"
But that gentle caress continued to brush across the back of his hand and Jay was almost certain that Naito had leaned into him yet further.
"Do you want to hear about the time I ended up sleeping on the roof of the dojo?"
"You did what?"
And somehow, Naito looked both embarrassed and amused.
"I might have pulled one too many pranks and well… maybe I should start from the beginning…"
-fin-