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Her heart was in her throat.
The battle was over. Luffy’s victory broadcasted throughout the floating skull to relieved sighs and cheers. They’d won and once again, the Strawhats had achieved what had been deemed the impossible. But as people celebrated or took care of injured or mourned the fallen, she was in a state of panic.
“Out of the way!” She barked to the person who stood in front of her, shoving them aside.
It was harsh, people were trying to celebrate with her, recognising who she was, but unless they were going to help, she wasn’t interested in the slightest. She, quite frankly, didn’t give a damn right now.
The most she knew was that he’d won. The last time she’d seen him was when she’d taken off with Usopp and the last time she’d heard him was calling out for Robin to help him. Since then it had been radio silence.
The news of his victory had been announced through Onigashima along with Zoro’s victory. Except that meant nothing because whilst Zoro had won, she’d seen Franky running towards them, face solemn as he clutched Zoro’s still, bloodied body. Red smeared his hands and for a second, she’d though the worst had happened until Chopper was rushing over, hands moving quickly to save him.
It was an example of how victory didn’t guarantee life.
And she was seeing that everywhere. From the bodies strewn across the floor, to the way Kid and Law’s crew were huddled around their wounded Captains, to Kiku’s arm laying on the floor.
Everyone looked like they were on death’s doorstep.
… And no one had seen Sanji since his victory had been announced.
She couldn’t shake the image of him in a similar state to Zoro; pale, covered in blood and dirt as his eyes turned lifeless as he bled out. But there was no Franky to save him and by the time someone found him, it’d be too late. It terrified her. In a building full of people, no one had seen him or knew where he was or where they’d seen him last.
As the minutes ticked by and more people trickled in that weren’t Sanji, her stress increased and the thoughts grew louder. Her eyes were starting to swim and the nails of desperation were clawing at her lungs. She wanted to call out for him again but she couldn’t trust her voice right now, not when it felt like a boulder was lodged in there.
She didn’t know what she’d do without him, he was such a big part of her life, whether that was as her friend, best friend or other half (“The better half,” Sanji would say). What would her life be without his smile first thing in the morning and last thing at night? Without his laugh or warm hands covering hers when she got cold? He’d cemented himself so firmly in her life and the thing she truly feared in that moment, was finding him and it was too late. That she’d have to stare down at his lifeless body and although the death wouldn’t be her fault this time around, she’d be burying the body of another loved one taken too soon.
She couldn’t get the thoughts to stop but she couldn’t imagine facing that reality coming true, it made the claws currently on her lungs seem like a walk in the park.
Shaking her head, she told herself to get it together. He was one of the toughest people she knew and if Zoro could get through it, then so could he. He wouldn’t leave her, not again, not after everything they’d been through. Not after how long it’d taken them to get to this point. She needed more time with him.
“Sanji-kun!” She called, voice as loud as it could be with her frazzled emotions and over the volume of people in celebration.
Nothing.
Just people laughing, crying, weeping, nothing in response to her call for him.
She shoved someone else out of the way because the more people that filled the room, the more her nerves were fraying and she felt like she was on the edge. What would she do when she tipped over?
She’d have to start retracing his steps in hopes of finding him, she needed to get out of her head and start thinking strategically.
She thought her mind was playing tricks on her when she heard the faint sound of “Nami-san”, that maybe she had fallen off the edge, except she’d know that voice anywhere. Especially when it was followed by, “Listen, either help or move it. I need to find Nami-san!”
It was Sanji.
He sounded as irritated as she felt and her knees almost gave out. He sounded full of life.
“Sanji!” It was easier to call for him, especially now she wasn’t batting away dark thoughts or disturbing images and she could focus on just following the sound of his voice.
“Nami!” He’d heard her, his voice was sure, the questioning tone gone.
She swivelled in the direction of his voice and then it happened.
The crowd parted, people shuffling aside, just at the right moment to give her the perfect view of him. Of Sanji, on his feet, very much alive and she watched as his face morphed from frustrated worry to relieved happiness. She wondered if hers did the same. The heart in her throat dropped to her stomach and the crippling relief fought down the claws on her lungs valiantly.
Her feet moved of their own accord, running full speed towards him and elbows ready to punish anyone that dared to stand in her path. He mirrored her action, both of them working quickly the close the distance between them. At one point, she heard herself laugh, it bubbled up and out into the open without her permission, she felt so light.
He must have sensed that she wasn’t slowing down as he came to a stop, bracing himself but arms held out open for her, ready to catch her.
She slammed into him, her ribs rattling painfully and she was sure that probably hurt him too but he didn’t say anything and her ribs were nothing but a passing thought in that moment. Because he was here. Alive and in her arms. She crushed him to her as hard as she could, arms wrapped around his neck and legs hugging his hips. He gripped her back just as ferociously, hands steady and firm on the dangerous ground between her bum and the small of her back, the other between her shoulder blades.
She nuzzled into the crook of his neck, taking in the smell of nicotine, smoke and sweat. The smell of life. Of him. She felt him doing the same in her hair as he uttered out a content, “Nami-san.”
They leaned back to look at each other for a second, gaze locked as it trying to reassure the other, and maybe even themselves, this was happening, this was real, before swooping into a kiss they’d never shared before. It was a mixture of emotions; joy, worry, love, frustration, relief. His lips were dry and she knew hers were too but it didn’t stop either of them from pouring their everything into the kiss, not wasting another second. Trying to convey to the other without words that they were there, that they’d done it, come out the other side and still had each other.
In the back of her mind, she was aware they were in the middle of a crowded room, surrounded by people both familiar and not so much, that they weren’t alone and she should be embarrassed, public displays of affects were never quite her style. But she didn’t give a damn. Not when she’d been considering the possibility he might’ve been dead only a few minutes ago, that this could’ve ended very differently for the both of them. Not when her ears were pounding and his lips were firm, working insistently against hers.
All she could see was him. All she could feel was him.
The room was as good as empty.
It was one last long kiss, lingering to extend their little moment of bliss and maybe a series of smaller kisses exchanged as a second thought, before parting but not going too far.
Their foreheads pressed together and she had a moment where she was swimming in blue until she pulled away with a hiss. Pain radiated from her forehead to the very centre of her head to settle there like lead whilst electric shot behind her eyes. She had not thought that through. He’d gone stock still the moment she’d made that sound and when she looked at him again, content was gone in exchange for concern. He really looked at her then, from the dirt on her face to the dried blood crusted on her face (despite her best efforts to get rid of it) and settled on the make shift bandage on her forehead.
The hands on her back slackened to the point where she slowly slid down onto her feet in front of him, her hands falling from his shoulders to rest on his chest. He didn’t speak as his hands smoothed her kimono down, ensuring her modesty and, knowing him, a chance to touch her more. Then they were on her face. His hands held power, maybe not to throw punches but he could cut through any ingredient, making it look like butter and yet for her, they fluttered around her face delicately. The fabric of his gloves traced along the bruise blooming on her cheek and she couldn’t read his face. It was carefully still as his thumb followed the dried blood along her face until it found the edge of the bandage. Although his touch was soft, she still winced, the wound still fresh, especially after she’d just jarred it.
His brows furrowed; mouth drawn down in displeasure. A look she’d never seen directed towards her, even though, logically, she knew it wasn’t for her.
“I’m going to evaporate that good for nothing cloud,” he said, voice rough.
Although he looked deadly serious, anger rolling beneath the surface, his touch stayed soft for her, cupping her face.
Her hands clasped his wrists. “It’s okay.”
He did not agree, it was all over his face. “Where is he anyway? Hiding like a coward I’d expect.”
“Maybe let’s save that story for another time?” She wasn’t sure how she was going to explain he now lived in her clima tact, that he was her clima tact, not just an accessory to it anymore. “Zeus did help me in the end though, I couldn’t have done it without him.”
“I knew something was wrong when I saw him alone earlier. I’m sorry I wasn’t there.” He said regretfully, looking at her like he did it.
“Don’t be ridiculous! We all had our part to play in this and we both knew going into this we’d all be leaving with some scrapes.” Which was a bit of an understatement but they’d spoken about this.
“Is Usopp okay?”
She thought about his bloodied face too but chose not to mention that when Sanji was just starting to calm down. “Yeah, he’s with Chopper helping.”
“And everyone else?”
“From what I could tell, yeah. Although Luffy’s still up on the roof, Robin and Brook have gone to get him and make sure he’s okay.”
He nodded, taking in the information and breathing a sight of relief. “From what you could tell?”
“I was too busy looking for you. Almost the last one here, Zoro’s going to have a field day when he’s awake.” It was the wrong thing to say, he frowned at the news, so she followed up with, “Did you get lost?”
He breathed out a laugh, amused by her joke but it didn’t reach his eyes like it normally would. He’d always been good at hiding his own feelings or pain but she’d known him long enough to now, had seen how he did it to know how to look through it.
So she looked at him then. Really looked at him, like he had with her. He had cuts and scrapes like her, a couple still oozing blood but he didn’t look anywhere near as roughed up as she would have expected. She was fully braced for a Zoro level of damage. Whilst that may be missing, when she looked him in the eye, he looked exhausted. Like he was fully drained and just running on fumes.
He knew she was on to him, it was all over his face and he smiled at her, like that would throw her. “Despite Zeus not doing his job, I’m glad you’re okay.”
Except the words were mismatched with the look in his eyes. He wasn’t okay. There was a look in his eye that she’d seen before. He looked broken. He looked haunted.
It wasn’t a look that suited him.
His eyes flitted away from her inquisitive stare.
“Sanji-kun, look at me, are you okay?”
“Yeah.” He looked close to tears but he blinked them back and cleared his throat.
“What happened?” She asked, ignoring his half-hearted attempt to convince her.
“Chopper didn’t tell you?” He looked weary as he asked her, almost afraid of the answer.
“We were all a bit too busy to stand around gossiping.” She wasn’t about to tell him about her frantic search for him, it’d only make him feel worse. “What didn’t he tell me?”
There was a long pause, where their gaze was locked, trying to figure the other out. He was either stalling or gearing himself up, perhaps going over what to say or how to phrase it.
“Would you still love me if I was a monster?” He uttered quietly, pained like he didn’t want to ask but had to.
That was the last thing she’d expected.
Her eyebrows raised, disbelief taking over her face but he wouldn’t have seen it. He’d broken eye contact and was too busy looking down at his hands. They’d dropped away from her face like he didn’t think they deserved to be touching her anymore. He stared at them in front of him like they didn’t belong to him and it was unnerving. He’d always had issues with loving himself but she’d never seen that directed towards his hands.
The question reminded her of all their talks after they’d left Whole Cake Island and the crew had been introduced to his family. How he’d hated them growing up but also loved them and desperately wanted their approval. How they weren’t good people. How they were monsters.
What had happened since they’d separated?
“Never mind, that was selfish.” He sounded annoyed with himself and she desperately wanted to take a glimpse into his mind.
As much as she had her own questions she wanted to ask, that was for another time because for every second she stayed quiet, the more he drew into himself.
“You’re not capable of being a monster,” she said softly, hands mimicking his early by cupping his face so he’d finally look at her.
He didn’t believe her. It was evident in the way his mouth turned down, in the furrow of his brows, the disbelief in his eyes. Yet he didn’t want to disagree with her.
“I’ve known you for so long. Despite what you may say or how you act, you have a heart of gold for everyone, even when you shouldn’t. You’d throw your life on the line in a heartbeat to save someone else’s, even if they don’t deserve it. You’re the definition of kindness and I know that word isn’t used alongside monster,” she finished, voice strong and unwilling to back down. He needed the support and she’d give it to him anytime he needed.
He looked like he was going to cry. His eyes were red, his eyes swimming with unshed tears that he tried his utmost to hold back.
“Does my skin feel soft?” His voice cracked halfway through asking.
It was hard trying to keep up, jarring at every sharp turn their conversation took. Just as she was beginning to put the pieces together, he’d ask another question that threw her off. Gave her a piece to the puzzle that didn’t fit with the one she was trying to put together.
Her thumb brushed along his cheek and she felt him hold his breath as she did.
“Why wouldn’t it?”
Someone cheered nearby and whatever bubble they’d created was shattered into pieces. It was so easy to forgot where they were and whatever vulnerability he had been showing was quickly masked. It made her heart clench to watch as he tried to put on a brave face.
“I can’t do this here,” he whispered, his voice sounding fragile as he built his walls back up.
She understood that, there were people to treat and a rampant fire to still put out. Hardly the time for a heart to heart.
“That’s okay. We always have later.” And they did, because they were both still here.
She pulled him in for a hug then, letting him have his last few moments of vulnerability before he composed himself and they got down to business. The few tears he couldn’t quite get rid of were cold against her neck and her arms tightened around him, as if trying to protect him.
When they parted, he looked a little lighter and whilst some of the strain was still on his face, the rest was warmth and adoration for her. “I love you.”
She smiled back at him, her stomach fluttering no matter how many times she heard those words. “I love you too and nothing’s going to change.”
He leaned in to kiss her and this was similar to their usual kisses, nowhere near as frantic or desperate as their one earlier. It was brief, chaste but still lingering and it made her lips tingle all the same.
“I hope so.” His eyes flitted around her face, like she was going to disappear any second.
“I know so,” and she’d spend the rest of her life proving it to him. She held out her hand to him, “Let’s find Luffy and the others.”
And later on, when the new broke of what happened to Sanji during his fight with Queen, she saw the way his frame tensed. Those pieces that she thought didn’t fit just slotted in elsewhere to complete a much larger puzzle than she’d expected.
He refused look at her as the topic was discussed but that was fine, she still had his hand in hers and she squeezed his hand reassuringly. Nothing would change.
His shoulders relaxed.