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“You’re in a car with a beautiful boy, and he won’t tell you that he loves you, but he loves you. And you feel like you’ve done something terrible, like robbed a liquor store, or swallowed pills, or shoveled yourself a grave in the dirt, and you’re tired. You’re in a car with a beautiful boy, and you’re trying not to tell him that you love him, and you’re trying to choke down the feeling, and you’re trembling, but he reaches over and he touches you, like a prayer for which no words exist, and you feel your heart taking root in your body, like you’ve discovered something you didn’t even have a name for.”
Johnny comes home with bruises and scrapes more often than he doesn’t, but he tells himself it’s all worth it. Those bruises and scrapes tell the story of a mother and child reunited after a car wreck. They tell the story of a heart that began beating again, or an arm that will heal. It’s worth it, he repeats like a mantra, to be bruised and scraped if it means someone else gets to live.
That doesn’t extend to Roy. Johnny can’t stand to see Roy hurt. It always aches, like someone clawing into his chest and taking pieces out. For all he tries to keep Roy out of the most dangerous rescues, Roy still gets into trouble. Never was it worse than two weeks ago, when Johnny had to watch his partner get electrocuted and fall one story. Roy’s heart had stopped; Johnny knew that even while he was stuck in the house. Roy’s heart had stopped and Johnny had lost sight of him after he fell. Johnny had genuinely thought that Roy had—
But he didn’t. Roy is okay, bruised and a little sore, but okay. Johnny originally butted heads with Karen, but he really was grateful for her. He remembered thanking whatever lucky stars still hung for him that Karen was there that day. If not for her, Roy could be—
But he isn’t.
It is Roy’s first day back, and he seems much calmer than before the accident. More settled and a lot freer and Johnny can’t help but bask in that glow. Roy parks the squad on a cliff that overlooks the county while they eat lunch from their favorite burger stand. They sit in comfortable silence as they watch the bustle of their accident-prone county below them.
It is the gentle breeze and the warm sunshine that does it. That turns Johnny’s thoughts towards the feelings he tries hard to pretend don’t exist. Johnny loves Roy; dear God, he loves him. He feels almost sick with it, a guilty pit in his stomach. His feelings for Roy often feel big enough to entirely consume him if he isn’t careful. The squad suddenly feels too small, too constricting for the size of his thoughts. Maybe if gets out he can drop his thoughts off the cliff to the city below. Yeah, that’d work—
Roy grabs Johnny by the crook of his elbow and they both stop. The whole world stops around them. Brown eyes meet gorgeous blue ones, and Johnny feels the roof blow clean off the squad. Roy knows. He knows what Johnny feels but doesn’t dare say; and he feels it too.
Roy almost died this time and if not for Karen, he really would’ve. It feels cliché, but Roy has a new outlook on life. He needs to slow down, stress less, enjoy his life and the people in it. That is what Johnny has been trying to tell him for years. Too bad it took his heart stopping for that lesson to finally sink in.
It is his first shift back, and he feels better than he has in years. Even the air feels different; thinner, easier to breathe and move through. It is because of his newfound perspective, but it is also because of Johnny’s influence. Johnny is effortless to be around, and it is so much clearer now than ever before.
Roy parks the squad on a cliff that overlooks the county while they eat lunch from their favorite burger stand. Roy basks in the warm sun and cool breeze and wonders why they’ve never done this before. It seems silly that this kind of contentment should be so foreign.
His thoughts suddenly drift to Johnny. Roy loves him; that is the truest, most fundamental thing Roy knows. He can’t help it. Johnny is the easiest person to love; it’s like breathing. Something scares Roy to death about saying it out loud, so it always dies somewhere in his throat. He can usually ignore it, but it feels all-consuming now. Johnny seems to glow in the early afternoon sun, lighting the inside of the squad, and Roy can’t stop staring. His eyes begin to burn, but he can’t look away.
He loves Johnny. He’s almost mad with it and Johnny is about to get out of the squad and that feels more monumental than it should and—
He grabs Johnny by the crook of his elbow, anchoring his lifeline in place. Things freeze around them. Blue eyes meet golden brown ones, and Roy feels the air shift around them. Johnny knows. He knows what Roy feels but can’t seem to say; and he feels it too.