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The mesmerising tones of orange and red that would normally paint the darkening sky, was washed away by the salty rain that mercilessly hissed outside the dripping window. Instead, sombre greys and coal lit the evening air like it was a funeral, a funeral to spit on Ten who writhed in his coffin because everything was a fucking mess.
“You can’t stay like that forever,” Kun told him, after he took in Ten’s sprawled figure on the bed with something in his eyes that he hoped wasn’t pity.
“You underestimate me,” Ten replied, staring up at the small stain on the ceiling, and trying to work out how it had happened; something he had been trying to do ever since he got back in the dorms, to be honest.
Kun scoffed, leaning against the bedroom door. He flicked his black strands out of his face, and his expression looked so unamused Ten wanted to hit himself.
“You literally can’t dummy,” Ten could hear the underlying worry in his usually stern tone, and that’s what hurt the most, “ You have schedules.”
And it was Ten’s turn to scoff, which he did painfully and as bitterly as his clamped chest could allow him too.
“I know,” he tried to say past the stone in his throat, but Kun’s eyes dimmed as if he suddenly understood everything, which is not what Ten wanted at all.
“But they don’t have to be your first priority,” Kun told him softly. Perhaps too soft, for Ten’s ringing ears barely caught the lie, for the rain battering against the glass sang a loud tune that appealed to Ten more than what this man was telling him.
“I’ll be nothing if they weren’t ,” Ten said, and suddenly Kun looked so angry with him, opening and closing his mouth because he couldn’t understand why Ten was being so cruel like this. Why he was being so selfish, so ignorant to everything and everyone around him, why he wasn’t understanding what was right in front of him, so loving and so delicate Ten was scared to touch it with fingers as mortal as his own.
“Don’t say that,” Kun spat, his body already half-way out of the door, “ Don’t say that again, because everyone will beat your stupid ass if they hear that, and I won’t stop them.”
Ten heard him continue to mutter as he shut the door behind him, just a tad bit louder because Kun understood. He always did.
He sighed, sitting up, and tilting his head down so that his eyes were now gazing at a purple quilt instead of a mysterious stain. He closed his eyes, the black of his strands pricking his eyelid to remind him that nothing would be solved if he just shut his eyes and sat there.
He figured he should be angry; angry at the words Kun had said because they were a bit cruel, but Ten had sensed the genuine concern and care behind them, so now all he could do was huff at the fact that Kun had played him so well.
He turned his gaze to the little cat figure sitting by his bed, and then the anger came.
Ten slid onto the couch, under the covers and into the arms that had been waiting for him for a long time now.
Out of the corner of his eye, he could see Johnny moving around the couch and back into his room, and Ten gave him a brief smile as thanks to letting him.
“You sure took your time,” Taeyong murmured, adjusting his position so that Ten could lean his tired head against the other’s sturdy chest.
“I kinda lost track of time,” Ten muttered back, hoping the blonde would accept his vague apology and drop the topic, so that Ten could melt into his hold even further, and not feel guilty about it.
And Taeyong did, albeit reluctantly, and they both fell into the quiet silence that only both of them knew. Ten felt slender fingers card through his dark hair, and he sighed blissfully, snuggling deeper into Taeyong, his arms wrapped firmly around his waist.
“You should grow this out,” He heard Taeyong say. Or rather felt, because the tickling vibration of his deep voice travelled from his chest into Ten’s ear, and it warmed him up like Christmas.
“You think?” Ten replied, lazily turning his head so he was now looking up into the glistening eyes of the most beautiful man who he still couldn’t believe he got to touch.
Taeyong hummed, as Ten crawled further up so that he could gaze at the incomprehensible beauty closer.
“Yeah,” Taeyong murmured, his fingers creeping down so that they now cupped Ten’s cheek, and Ten would like to think Taeyong was looking at him with an affection that was reserved for him only, “ You look gorgeous; my breath was knocked away when I saw you during We Do.”
Ten felt the pink of the sunset lamp dust his warm cheeks, and it grew when Taeyong lightly laughed.
“You’re blushing,” he teased, caressing Ten’s cheek gently with his knuckles, “ Did I manage to fluster you?”
Ten snorted, flicking Taeyong on the forehead lightly.
“I’m angry ,” He corrected, narrowing his eyes with mock-menace. The english phrase made Taeyong raise his eyebrow in amusement “ Are you basically saying that I don’t always look gorgeous? Because that’s what I think you’re saying, Mr Lee Taeyong.”
The pink-haired laughed again, his chest rumbling under Ten’s hand.
“It’s your fault I can’t compliment you everyday,” Taeyong said, which made Ten furrow his eyebrows in bemusement. The older adjusted himself so that Ten was sprawled across his lap, which was his favourite place to be, really, “ No one’s asking you to leave me speechless everytime I see you.”
Ten groaned, hiding his face in the laughing Taeyong’s neck, which also blessed him with the opportunity to inhale his heart-fluttering scent of sweet potatoes, Ten’s perfume and something else so unfairly sweet and beautiful that Ten was indignant he fell in love with it from the first time he hugged Taeyong.
It was after their debut performance in front of a live audience, and everyone was cheering and crying and before Ten knew it, he was holding Taeyong comfortingly while the other muffled his cries in his shoulder. Ten had felt his white hair tickle against his cheek, and then smelt that befuddling incense of something so pure that it made Ten’s head hurt, but when he drew back to see Taeyong give him a rare,genuine smile, he realised he had fallen into a much bigger problem than that.
“Can you stop with your corniness,” Ten whined into his neck, grazing his lips across the smooth skin, “ It just makes the butterflies flap harder.”
“Good,” Taeyong kissed his head, and Ten lifted it up so he could pout at his unfair act of making Ten’s inside melt in the midst of his sulking, “ That means you’re falling in love with me more.”
Ten snorted, playing with the collar of Taeyong’s hoodie.
“ I don’t think that’s possible,” he muttered, and the smile and flush that decorated Taeyong’s flawless face was better than any art piece, Ten decided.
Taeyong leaned down, gently holding Ten by the chin to tilt his head so that their lips could meet in that dance that made Ten believe that unicorns exist. It was just so magical, so endearingly amazing and surreally beautiful that the only way Ten knew it was actually happening was because he hadn’t woken up to the grunts of the sleeping Hendery.
“Pinch me,” Ten whispered seriously into Taeyong’s mouth, and the latter pulled away to hit him across the neck.
“No thanks,” he said, “ I don’t want you crying on me.”
“You should have thought about that before you hit me,” Ten scowled, rubbing his neck mournfully. It was actually a very light strike, barely skimming his skin, but being pampered by Taeyong was a heaven Ten prayed only he could ever experience.
Taeyong rolled his eyes fondly, as Ten whimpered as dramatically as he could.
“Come here,” the older finally relented, pulling Ten closer and wrapping his arms around his waist. He leaned forward, and pressed soft kisses across the back of Ten’s neck, his velvet lips sending shivers down Ten’s curving spine.
“There,” Taeyong said, pulling away just when Ten was about to succumb into a blissful sleep, “ All better now, you big baby?”
“Yep!” Ten sighed happily, and he pressed another kiss on Taeyong’s righteous mouth, and rested his head on his chest again.
“Sometimes I think you’re worse than Haechan,” he heard Taeyong amusedly mutter, and Ten hummed triumphantly.
“That’s actually a compliment for me,” he pointed out, “ Remind me to repeat that to the little shit the next time he’s being a drama queen.”
“Oh, I’m sure you won’t need reminding if it’s something to do with your ego.”
Ten laughed.
“Touche.”
They fell into mindless chatter for a few minutes, talking about things so absurd and silly, with Ten putting on a horrible accent an one point, which he had to drop half way because the sight of Taeyong laughing with his cute nose scrunched up put a bigass grin on Ten’s face that only grew wider when the other tried to imitate him.
“ You know…” Taeyong said after some time, “ There’s an art gallery opening up by the big shopping centre down the road,” a smile grew on his face when Ten sat up excitedly “ and guess who bought tickets?”
“ No way…” Ten began, but then a realisation slapped him like a gut-wrenching punch and his smile grew weaker, “ Don’t tell me…”
“Yep!” Taeyong clapped his hands together proudly, and Ten felt his stomach twist, “ Me , your loving boyfriend!”
“Oh…” Ten said weakly, trying to make the smile on his face appear genuine and not painful. But then Taeyong’s smile dropped, because he had always been able to see right through Ten, which was a curse right now, and he furrowed his eyebrows in bitter realisation.
“You can’t be serious…” he said, almost laughing in disbelief.
Ten exhaled through his teeth, and sat up, making Taeyong sit up too.
“But I have to practice!” Ten insisted, running a hand harshly through his hair because he could see the darkening look in Taeyong’s eyes, “ You know I have a big performance coming up, Yongie, so I need to spend as much time as I can in the studio!”
Taeyong scoffed, swinging his legs off the couch.
“That doesn’t mean you have to literally live in there, Ten!” He argued, “ You’ve only just come back from China, I have no idea when you’re leaving again, and now you want to lock yourself away-”
“I’m not locking myself awa y,” Ten spat, feeling the exhaustion of the day and the truth in Taeyong’s words rile him up, “I’m simply practising and trying to perfect something that you know I give my all to.”
“Yeah, I know that,” Taeyong sneered, his hand tightened around the blanket that was once wrapped around their huddled bodies, but was now witnessing the frustration and exhaustion bubble over until it burnt Ten’s lungs and made his vision go red, “ You make it perfectly clear that you would rather glue yourself to hours and hours of practice each day, rather than spending time with people who barely get to see you for more than a hour.”
“Now that’s not true,” Ten began, and he grit his teeth when Taeyong scoffed and folded his arms unimpressed, “ If I could, Taeyong, I would gladly give up all of my time to all of you, but I can’t- my schedule doesn’t allow it-”
“Stop lying,” Taeyong hissed, his eyes shining indigantly, “ No manager asks you to slave away every day, or to unnescessarily go to the practice room-”
“Unnecessarily?” Ten repeated, because something inside of him snapped. He couldn’t think straight now, not with his heart in his ears and his knuckles going white, or with the fact that this was an inevitable event he had thought he had prepared himself before. He laughed bitterly, shaking his head in empty amusement, and stood up “ Of course you would think that, Lee Taeyong. You would think that because your schedule is alway consistent, isn’t it? Because you’re the leader, the precious gem who always has comebacks and songs and performances to look forward to,” Ten could barely hear himself speak over the blood simmering through his body, but he knew that the words he were spewing out were mixing together in spite and hostility that drowned the raw truth and gave Taeyong wounds that Ten wanted to reach out and heal so badly, even thought he knew Taeyong wouldn’t allow him tol, “ You have promotions and shows and photoshoots with your band, so you don’t know what it feels like to be constantly plagued with the fear of being discarded. You’re not going to experience that uncertainty of being unwanted or unneeded by the fans and the company, because you haven’t done anything in two months or your comeback is still undecided,” Ten could hear his voice getting louder now, and the furious water in Taeyong’s eyes was the only thing he could see, “ You don’t know how it is, Mr I’m-So-Popular-And-The-Whole-World-Loves-Me-So-I-Don’t-Need-To-Worry-If-I’m-Forgotten. Shut up, alright, and don’t talk as if you know a single thing about me!”
Ten had shouted that last part, and he could hear the echoes of his own voice as it pierced the tense silence that followed. Taeyong blinked at him, the hot tears streaming down his cheeks, and he stood up too.
“If that’s the case,” he said, his voice hoarse and sizzling with rage, “If that’s the case, Ten, then I won’t. I won’t talk as if I know you, ok? Because I truly don’t know why we can’t spend a bit of time with each other. You’re stressing over something that you have the talent to accomplish anyway, and you shut your ears whenever I try to tell you that. Whenever anyone tells you that,” He brushed the tears angrily from his infuriated face, and Ten wanted to scream because he was supposed to be doing that. He knew they should sit down and calmly talk it out, because this was a topic that had been simmering threateningly for the last few days since Ten had returned, and now that it had overflowed, Ten knew they should calmly wade in and not scream as they start to drown. But the words couldn’t come out. He just stood there while Taeyong yelled his feelings and emotions at him, each word thumping Ten on the chest again and again, shattering his ribs and tearing his lungs so that he couldn’t breathe.
“I want to achieve my dreams, Taeyong,” Ten shouted back, his eyes burning and his voice sounded like the nettles rubbing in his stomach, “ Is that so bad? Is that a crime? Is that something that offends you? You’re the only one who’s complaining about my ‘lack of presence’; you don’t see anyone else talking about it!,” and that’s when the nettles bloomed into wicked sickles and decided to tear Ten’s heart into two, “ Because I sure as hell aren’t bothered if I don’t see you every day!”
The words flew out of his mouth before his quivering fingers could grab them back. Ten watched them sing in lament as they entered Taeyong’s ears and he still heard their mournful songs as they settled in the debris of his heart.
“Yeah,” Taeyong growled through grit teeth. He brushed back the golden strands that were weeping over his glassy eyes, and he looked so scared Ten cursed everything out there for sending a guy like him into this beautiful boy’s life. Taeyong bit his lip, and then continued:, “ Yeah, you make that clear. You make that very clear.”
“Then why are you still here?” Ten asked, and then Taeyong laughed. His laugh was low and cruel and not Taeyong.
“Exactly,” Taeyong muttered under his breath. He then turned away, exhaling sharply. Ten watched his back as he wiped the tears off his face with his hoodie, and then he had to avert his eyes because Taeyong was trembling so hard, and Ten knew he was trying not to sob in front of him.
“Oh god…” he heard him whisper, and then Taeyong walked away behind the couch and into his room, slamming the door behind him loudly. Ten swallowed, the nettles now having given birth to weeds and rot that crawled around inside Ten. He lifted his head towards the ceiling, squeezing his eyes shut for a few seconds, willing the tears to go back into his shaking body.
When he opened them again, he was met with the sight of the worried Mark, who was fidgeting nervously with the console in his hands.
“I heard shouting…” he began awkwardly, “ Is everything ok, hyung?”
Ten exhaled sharply, carding a tense hand through his hair. Mark watched him nervously.
“It was expected, Mark,” was all Ten could say without breaking down. He lifted the blanket off the floor, and it didn’t feel as soft anymore. Nevertheless, he folded it neatly, and placed it gently on the sofa, and then he chuckled emptily because he realised that the only reason he did that was to not make Taeyong angry but it was far too late for that now, wasn’t it?
He headed to the front door, Mark following hesitantly. Ten slipped into his shoes, and he turned to the anxious boy.
“When he’s mad, he tends to lock himself in his room and forget to eat. Make sure he doesn’t do that,” Ten told him, and Mark nodded quickly. He didn’t stop nodding until Tenwas just about to leave, and then he opened his mouth hesitantly:
“What about you?” Mark asked softly, “ Are you going to be alright?”
Ten poked the inside of his cheek with his tongue, furrowing his eyebrows.
“I want to say yes,” he grinned, and Mark sighed quietly under his breath, turning his head towards a closed room as Ten shut the door behind him.
Ten reached a hand forward, his fingers wrapping around the little cat ornament. It felt cold and sour against his fingertips, and he figured that it represented everything perfectly. He ran it between his fingers, feeling the frigid glass burn his numb skin, but it slipped out of his hold, and fell to the ground, painting it with shards of broken china.
“It fits too well,” he murmured under his breath, staring at the jagged pieces until the oxygen stopped tasting so flavourless on his tongue.
******************************
The rain had been pouring for days, so heavy to the point where they could do nothing but stay inside. And Ten was partly glad for it, because that meant he had an excuse to laze around and not be asked the question of why he wasn’t heading over to the 127 dorms.
But the other part of him hated it, because the members threw him worried glances that were about as discreet as Ten’s bitter mood. He didn’t say anything in reply to them, either pretending they didn’t look concerned, or laughing exaggeratedly until they had to look away as a result of the uncomfortable pity.
He didn’t receive any texts, no calls, nothing. It wasn’t supposed to hurt him, to break him like it was so happily doing. He knew these were the consequences of delaying such an important subject for too long, and that everything that was happening should happen.
But he still fucking collapsed every night, ducking under the covers and sobbing into his hand whilst Hendery turned on his side and tried to pretend that Ten was fine, just like Ten wanted him to. And Ten cried harder the night when he remembered how that strange stain on his ceiling had appeared, because he and Taeyong had been messing around with water balloons and one just suddenly exploded when Ten launched it in the air. The next few moments had been filled with cackles of laughter and the perfume of happiness and contentment in the air, something that Ten craved to taste now.
He still practised his dance, in the little studio in their dorms. He practised until he perfected it all, to the point where he knew he would literally die if he went any further. And then he would cry quietly again, his choked sobs strangling the music until it was a mocking tune that had him shaking to the core.
“Stop,” Kun had told him at one point, holding him tightly by the shoulder and forcing Ten to turn his stinging eyes towards him, “ Stop doing this to yourself. To him.”
And Ten had laughed, laughed because he couldn’t form words right then, and Kun had given him a look of sorrow on the border of annoyance, which meant Kun understood. He always did.
******************************************************
Ten rubbed his knuckles frustratedly, looking around the room for his wallet.
“Where the hell did I put it?” He muttered to himself, clutching his pockets panickedly. Hendery had offered to help him search for it, but the boy had quickly given up, and scooted away after giving Ten an apologetic grin because he knew Ten loved him too damn much.
And then it struck him, and he swallowed because there was no way he was going back there. And the rain was pouring badly too, hammering against his window almost as loud as his heart.
He stared outside, at the few blocks he had to walk down to reach the hiding place of his wallet and his heart. Even in that short distance, he’d be utterly drenched.
“Fuck it,” Ten whispered under his breath, grabbing his coat and keys and heading out, because the rain would hide his tears anyway.
He successfully made it out of the dorms before anyone could scream at his stupidass and drag him back inside, and headed all the way down. The minute he stepped out of the apartment, he felt the torrents of salty water seep through his coat and into his skin and hair, making the piece of clothing hickey onto him uncomfortably. He fumbled with the zips, zipping it all the way up so that only his eyes were barely visible through the thick but already drenched coat. He hurried down the route, the wind howling and biting his cheeks mercilessly, almost begging for him to turn around and go back. And his brain wanted to, so so bad. But it could go fuck itself, because Ten’s feet had taken the reins now.
He finally made it into the building, and he hurried up the stairs, avoiding the familiar guards who could barely recognise him from his tight get-up. He could barely see, from the water dripping from his eyelashes and the fur from his hood covering half his vision, so he relied on his feet to take him down the long corridors and around the right corners, eventually stopping at the door he had slammed shut weeks ago.
He tried to swallow the giggling nettles in his throat, itchy and poisonous and almost choking him. He raised a hand, and knocked on the door, the sturdy noise masking his bubbling anxiety.
He could hear shuffling from the inside, and he hoped- no he prayed that someone other than him would open the door. Someone who could quickly find his wallet and hand it over to him without alerting him that Ten was here.
The door opened, revealing an inquisitive blond head, who had headphones around their neck and dressed in casual wear, humorously contradicting Ten’s appearance. Ten bit his tongue, when he saw those eyes go wide in recognition and the mouth dropped open in horror. He knew he didn’t look particularly pleasant right now, but the way Taeyong was looking at him, you would think Ten had half his head chewed off.
“Hey,” Ten grinned, trying not to expose his chattering teeth, “ I was just wondering if you could give me my wallet that I left here when I…a few weeks ago.”
There was a pause, as Taeyong blinked at him, gaping in disbelief. Ten glanced behind him, and he saw Jaehyun come out of his room, but when he caught sight of the two at the door, his eyes immediately opened and he did a 180 back into the room, trying not to fall over in his hurry. Ten wanted to laugh at that, but all the noise had been sucked out of him, and he gulped in an attempt to return the moisture to his scratchy throat.
“You fucking idiot,” Taeyong finally said, and to be honest, Ten wasn’t surprised, “ Come inside right now.”
“Actually if you could just-”
“Right now,” Taeyong repeated, his voice stony and his tone spine-chilling, “ Don’t fuck with me right now, Ten Lee.”
It felt so strange hearing his name bleed off Taeyong’s tongue like that, after weeks of absence. Ten bit his lip, and waddled into the dorm, trying not to shiver in an attempt to show Taeyong it was a huge mistake inviting Ten inside.
Taeyong shut the door behind them, and he turned to Ten, not quite looking him in the eyes. He hesitantly lifted his hands up and placed them on the sides of Ten’s face, leaving them there for a second too burning for Ten to forget, before lifting the hood of Ten’s head. He bent down, zipping Ten’s coat all the way down and helped him remove it, and Ten couldn’t help but think how different it would have been if he didn’t fuck everything up.
Taeyong took his coat off, and he gasped when he saw that the water had seeped in all the way down to Ten’s clothes.
“Go to my closet,” he said, picking up Ten’s wet coat, “ and get some pyjamas from your section. Leave your wet clothes in the laundry basket,” he gave a menacing glance to Ten, who gulped slightly, “ and don’t even think of running out of here in this weather.”
Ten just nodded, and he watched Taeyong head to the laundry room with his dripping coat in his hands, before heading to Taeyong’s room. On the way, he passed by Doyoung, who he gave a weak smile to, but the other just pinched his ear and whispered lowly:
“Don’t fuck this up, you lovable bitch; I can’t stand his miserable ass anymore.”
Ten bit the inside of his cheek, before answering:
“I’ll try.”
Doyoung then gave him a look, and maybe a slight smile, Ten wasn’t too sure. But he saw trust in those eyes and he quickly continued his mission before he could turn around and run away.
He headed into Taeyong’s room, saw that Johnny wasn’t in, and opened the blonde’s closet, searching through his own section that Taeyong had added after Ten had stolen his clothes one too many times. He skimmed through, eventually finding some loose sweatpants and shirt, and he changed into them, before throwing his wet clothes into the basket, just like Taeyong had said.
He sat on the edge of the bed, staring down at his numb fingers.
“What the hell have I done?” He laughed bitterly under his breath, rubbing his face tiredly.
Kun would absolutely murder him if he found out Ten had gone outside.
But then again, the state Taeyong was in right now was a whole lot scarier.
The door creaked open, and Ten didn’t glance up, because he knew who it was. Taeyong shut the door carefully behind him, and he walked up to Ten, placing the tray he was holding on the table. Ten glanced at it, and his stomach flipped in gratitude when he saw the steaming bowl of hot custard.
“It’s for you, you know,” Taeyong still sounded frigid and icy, “ You’re allowed to eat it.”
Ten blinked, and gave a nervous giggle. He reached for the bowl, and laid it on his lap, as Taeyong took a seat on the office chair a few metres away.
There was a heavy silence that followed, as Ten ate his custard, and Taeyong drummed his fingers quietly on the chair ledge, spinning side to side aimlessly with his lips pursed.
Ten stared down at the carpet as he ate, the warm custard souring with his guilt. He finally finished it, and carefully placed it on the bedside table, praying he could somehow slip out of here without Taeyong noticing. Fuck the rain and Ten’s wallet; he had to get out of here.
He exhaled quietly through his teeth, and stood up slowly. Taeyong looked up at him, and he held his gaze, his breath stuck in his throat.
“I need to use the bathroom,” Ten finally croaked out, hoping Taeyong would hate him enough to let him leave the room and run outside the minute he could.
But Taeyong scoffed, and ran a hand through his blonde locks, squeezing his eyes shut tightly. When he opened them, he looked at Ten with such disbelief that the latter wanted to shrivel up and die on the spot.
“Have all your brain cells died or something?” He asked, almost laughing incredulously. He rose slowly from his chair, his hand still on the ledge, “ Contrary to your belief, Ten, I do know some basic facts about you, such as you will run away the minute I let you go and then nearly die from the storm out there.” He pointed aggressively to the window, and Ten smiled nervously, his shoulders sagging with the memories.
“It’s not that bad,” he weakly argued, glancing out the window Taeyong was pointing at, “ The most I could get is a cold-”
“But you’ll still be harmed in one way or another,” Taeyong stressed exasperatedly, and then he fell silent but Ten understood. He understood what Taeyong meant and why he was frustrated and why everything just seemed so messy.
He sat back down on the bed, deciding to take a big risk because he had nothing to lose now.
Except for the greatest gift you’ve ever received, his brain reminded him, you’ve got that on the brink of being lost
Ten pat the space on the bed next to him.
“I’m not going anywhere,” he said, and he was aware that that didn’t convey what he wanted to say, but then Taeyong’s eyebrows raised because he understood anyway; he understood Ten in a way Ten wished he wouldn’t because he wouldn’t be able to hide anything. But that didn’t matter anyway, because having Taeyong seeing his downs that drown his ups was something Ten had grown to not be afraid of.
“Good,” Taeyong replied, and he walked slowly over to the bed, sitting down in the space and drawing his knees to his chest. Ten crossed his legs, and faced him, eyes cast down. They didn’t say anything for a few minutes, which felt so painful to Ten.
He had never been the best at speaking; Taeyong had always been better at conveying his feelings and emotions. But Ten couldn’t be like that now; they both had to talk. Talk about the twists and the turns and the challenges that they would have to both face in the future. They had to talk about if they wanted to face it together, or go their own separate ways like they had been doing for the past few weeks.
He inhaled deeply, and said:
“Why did you choose me?”
Taeyong started at his question, surprised by the bluntness. Even Ten winced at his own sharpness, but fear and desperation had tightened his tongue and he couldn’t say anything else than what he wanted to know.
“What…?” Taeyong trailed off, his mouth opening and closing humorously.
“Why did you choose me?” Ten repeated, not even trying to appear nonchalant anymore. This wasn’t a time to be passive and casual like he always tended to be, and let Taeyong do all the heart-felt stuff. This was a time to be raw and honest and unveiled, because this wasn’t someone dangerous or suspicious he was looking at. He was looking at his Taeyong, the man who had kissed his chest scar softly and murmured that all he wanted to do was to heal Ten’s wounds, if he would allow him to.
Taeyong bit his lip, and he folded his legs, his knee just grazing Ten’s.
“I saw..” he started, his voice low and reminiscent, “ I saw you, for the first time in the canteen, and I don’t think-” he inhaled sharply, his eyes fluttering shut as if trying to relive the memory, “ I remember thinking that there was no way I had seen someone more brighter than you. You were fucking glowing, Ten, with your smile and your laugh and your face and everything about you made you shine in my eyes a bit more than the rest,” he paused, and his eyes fluttered open again, trailing over Ten’s listening face now, “ I don’t think you realised it - heck I barely did either - but over the years, you started glowing more brighter and softer and suddenly I wanted to hold you, to touch you, to be by your side. I didn’t understand, until I entered our first Baby Don’t Stop dance practice, and I saw you panting on the floor all sweaty and tired. And then you sat up when you saw me come in and you gave me this exhausted, but excited smile, all raw and beautiful, and then I dropped my bag because suddenly I understood.”
Ten did have a memory of that, of having finished one of his own workouts at the time Taeyong had entered, and then smiling at the frozen boy before he suddenly dropped his bag and looked fucking terrified.
“I didn’t choose you Ten,” Taeyong spoke up again, “ I didn’t choose you because that would mean I had other options. But I didn’t. Even if I searched for them relentlessly and spent hours analysing everyone’s characteristics, I would not have a single person who could make me feel like you do. Not even close,” he exhaled deeply, and picked at his thumbnail, “ No one can make me think and speak and look and feel like you somehow do. It sometimes scares me, the way I know-” he squeezed his chest tightly, as if controlling his thumping heart, “-because I know I would do anything, anything for you. Every single fucking thing you say is somehow imprinted in my mind and my heart and I’ll do it because it’s you. The boy who glows in my eyes brighter than everyone, ever since the day I first saw you.”
There was that usual silence that would follow after any of Taeyong’s honest words. Except this time, Ten wasn’t going to leave it at that.
“I chose-” he cleared his throat quietly, Taeyong’s gaze suddenly too sheer and raw, “ When I first saw you, I knew you would become the greatest. I knew you would be the prized star, the centre of everything. And, I just accepted that, because if it didn’t hinder my dream, then I couldn’t care less. I only had one goal in mind; to do what I love. You, Taeyong, in my mind, were another person just like me, who just had a higher chance of achieving that dream. But I still worked hard for it, because it was too beautiful for me to let go of.” He wanted to stop talking, because these honest words felt so alien on his tongue. But Taeyong was looking at him with a look that made Ten know that this was all worth it and maybe he had made a good decision after all, “ I think it might have been when we went to Thailand together hyung, when we were in our shared room at night and the moon was seeping in through the window making you look so ethereal, but I think that’s when- that’s when I realised that you were already part of my dream,” Ten smiled slightly, because that feeling when looking at the giggling Taeyong that night was something so blissfully indescribable, “ You weren’t there to destroy it, because you were essentially the other half of it. So, there’s literally no way I can shake you off, because, like my passion and my dream, you’re in my heart too,” Ten’s voice had dropped into a low, cracked whisper ages ago, and his hands were trembling.
Taeyong reached for his shaking hands, and held them softly as if he was practically carved to do so, and Ten felt all the life rushing through him again, exhilarating and uplifting.
Ten swallowed, and he leaned forward, resting his forehead on Taeyong’s, who exhaled cooly.
“We need to learn a lot of things,” the blonde laughed breathlessly, “ We need to learn to trust and understand each other more, and we need to learn to give space to the other when we know things won’t end well,” he brought one of Ten’s hands up to his lips, and kissed it gently, “ You and I both know how hard it’s going to be for us if we want this to work. Literally everything is against us, except for time, because time will help us to overcome what’s there looming in the future. We just need to be by each other’s side; we don’t have to speak or do anything, but just lie next to each other because that’s the only way it’s going to work. ”
“I want to spend my future with you,” Ten whispered, and Taeyong laughed softly, his nose scrunching up.
“You’re one sentence has more meaning than my whole dialogue,” he pointed out, and Ten shook his head.
“No, but I mean it,” he exhaled deeply, gazing into Taeyong’s creamy eyes, “ I can’t imagine- I don’t want to imagine not being with you, Yongie. You’re literally a part of me, the part that knows me so well and can see through me clearly like no other. You know me.”
He didn’t know he was crying until Taeyong was brushing his tears away gently, his own eyes brimming.
“It’s ok,” Taeyong murmured, kissing him gently on his trembling lips, “ You won’t lose me. I’m literally incapable of leaving. You made sure of that, you sneaky fucker.”
Ten laughed breathlessly and kissed him on the forehead, leaving a promise which he couldn't quite work out yet. But that didn’t matter, because Taeyong would help him.
And as Ten pulled Taeyong close to him and they drifted off into the world he had missed for weeks, he felt that just maybe, everything will be ok. They would work, they would be able to stand the test of time like a fortress, as long as he held Taeyong’s hand tightly in his own.