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They had known each other since before they became people. That’s what they told others when asked how it was that a mechanic and a song writer had somehow become best friends. Castiel knew Dean before he discovered his fondness for cars through his father, back when his mother was still around to encourage dreaming big. Dean knew Cas before his older brothers had pushed him so far back in the crowd that the only way for him to express himself was through any art he felt could channel his thoughts. They discovered these things about themselves with the other hovering over their shoulder to encourage and understand. So Dean had Cas to insist Sam was wrong, Dean liked cars for more than the connection with his father, he was really very good with his hands. And Castiel had him to listen to endless hours of talk about this artist or that and listen to this song! Because no one else would.
They had known each other through all the thicks and thins, the ups and downs, the cliches of childhood, puberty, and young adulthood. They had stuck together like glue with that friendship through college, finding someplace they could both go to pursue their majors together, which was more than difficult since they were so drastically different. But they made it work. Because Dean was there, supportively sitting close as Castiel told his parents that he was gay and protectively knocking Castiel’s first crush flat on his ass when the boy found out and dared mock him for it. And Castiel always listened to Dean’s tales of conquest of the latest girl, showing up late at night on the few occasions Dean had thought there would be more, let himself fall, and gotten his heartbroken by girls. Neither of them had considered the notion that they would never not be attached at the hip. The thought had not crossed their minds until after college, when Castiel sent his first song to an agency and got picked up. He was going to be writing for real singers!
“But it’s in New York.” Castiel stammered in shock, and he didn’t know if it was because he was going to actually be doing what he loved, or at the distance he would have to be from his best friend to do it.
“You couldn’t do it here and just send your songs through email or something?” Dean asked, a slight frown on his face as he poked around in an engine of a car. Castiel had rushed to Singer Salvage and Auto Repair as soon as his eyes had read the first two lines of the letter, wanting Dean to hear the news as soon as possible and knowing Bobby, the shop's owner and Dean’s unofficial Uncle, wouldn’t mind the chatter.
“It says they like to keep the talent close, whatever that means. But the pay would be enough to cover the cost of living, so that’s good.” Castiel shrugged. “They want me to fly out to talk over the details of the contract next week.”
Dean hit his head as he jerked up to look at his friend, barely holding back the wince of pain. “That soon?” He watched as Castiel nodded, rereading the letter.
“They really like my stuff. Like, they have an artist interested in a few of the songs already.” Cas grinned wide, his eyes flashing with excitement when they met Dean’s.
“Wow, Cas. Man that’s really awesome.” His friend’s smile was contagious and Dean was almost able to ignore the clench in his chest at the thought of his best friend moving across the country while he would be stuck in South Dakota forever. “Hey, we should have a party at the Roadhouse. Call everyone up and get them to come out Friday to celebrate.”
“I haven’t signed the contract yet, Dean. It’s not official.” Cas smirked as he threw a rag at Dean.
“Dude, you will, you have to. This is it! Your dream!” Dean quickly rubbed off the oil and dirt from his hands before reaching out to clap his friend on the shoulder. “I knew you could do it.”
“Thanks, Dean.” Castiel smiled, glancing once more down at the paper in his hands before looking back up to show off the brightest, most hopeful smile Dean had ever seen on his friend’s face.
Three days later and all their friends were gathered at the Roadhouse, mingling in a way people only can when they are brought together for something really special. It had been easy for Dean to get Ash, Garth, Jo, and Meg there, they all lived within driving distance and had attended school with the boys for numerous years. Benny and Charlie had been more difficult to convince, being out of state friends they had met in college, but when told the reason they had put in for sick days and driven out for a weekend stay. Dean was just glad Sam was home for summer vacation from Stanford, knowing his brother would be very disappointed if he had missed his friend’s departure to live it up in the big city. Others were there, people they had befriended along the way, coworkers of Castiel’s who knew he was only passing the time until he could do what he loved. All gathered in a corner of the bar Jo’s mother ran, talking and laughing about their friend’s achievement and congratulating him.
Two weeks after that and Castiel was piling everything he owned into the back of his ‘78 Lincoln Continental ready for the long drive to New York. He closed the passenger door and turned to look at the Winchester brothers, come to say goodbye. Sam grabbed him up in a tight hug, his tall frame closing around Castiel as if he was a small child.
“I am so happy for you man.” Sam laughed as he pulled back. “But I gotta say, I sure am going to miss seeing you every time I come home.”
“I’ll visit as often as I can, same as you.” Cas smiled and ruffled the younger man’s hair. “Maybe next time I see you, you’ll have tamed the mane.”
“Shut up.” Sam laughed and ran a hand through his long hair, straightening it out.
“I’ve tried, Cas, time and time again and he ain’t listening.” Dean laughed as he shook his head form behind Sam.
“You’re both jerks.” Sam shook his head and took a step back.
“Bitch.” Dean shot back as Cas laughed at the familiar exchange.
“Drive safe, Cas. Let us know when you get there.” Sam waved and walked back toward the Impala parked one spot over.
“Thanks, Sam, I will.” Cas waved as the other climbed into the passenger seat of his brother’s car.
“So, you will visit.” Dean said, focus turned on the ground his shoes scuffed at. It hovered somewhere between a statement and a question, so Cas gave an answer.
“Of course. And I’ll call and text. Hey, maybe even an email here and there.” He ducked his head, trying to catch Dean’s eye. “Hey, it’s not the end of the world. There are tons of ways to stay in touch. We’ll Skype on Tuesdays and watch movies together. It’ll be like I never left.”
“It’s kinda hard to be a wingman from twenty one hours away.” Dean crossed his arms and frowned.
“I’ve always been a kinda crappy wingman. But hey, I’ll have more opportunities, greater number of gay guys and you won’t have to listen to me mope about not having a date all the time.”
“And the truth comes out. You’re going out there to get laid more.” Dean smirked.
“You always see right through me.” Castiel shrugged before laughing.
“I really am proud of you. This is big, man.”
“Thanks.” Cas blushed slightly, shoving his hands into the pockets of his jeans, his shoulders nearly touching his ears. They were quiet for a moment, both not really wanting to say good bye.
“So like Sammy said, drive safe and let us know when you get there ok.” Dean finally spoke up. Before Castiel could respond his friend had grabbed him up in a tight hug. They held on quietly for a little longer than may have been necessary, but they were trying to fit in all the I’ll miss you’s and You’re the best’s that they felt they couldn’t say out loud. It really is harder than you would think to let go of your best friend. When they finally pulled away, swiping at the tears they didn’t want the other to see, it was with a final pat of the shoulder, one last touch before it was no longer possible.
“Bye Cas.” Dean’s voice may have been a little strained.
“Goodbye Dean.” Cas’s voice may have been a little quieter.
Somehow they got in their separate cars and pulled out of the parking lot of the apartment complex Castiel had lived in since returning from college to go in their different direction, both glancing frequently in their rear-view mirrors a few times more than necessary. And that was it, the world didn’t stop spinning, the moon didn’t spin off into space, mountains didn’t crumble, and civilization didn’t come to an end. Two friends, inseparable for most of their lives were split apart and life went on.
~*~
Castiel grumbled as he finally climbed out of bed around ten, the smell of coffee filling the studio apartment as he rubbed the last of the sleep from his eyes and trudged toward the kitchen. Dean had joked that the only reason Castiel ever got up was because of the automatic on function of the coffee maker, Cas knew his friend was right and didn’t care who knew it. Mornings sucked.
The familiar pull of routine guided a half asleep Castiel as he poured himself a cup of coffee, set it on the corner of his desk, turned on the computer, turned back to the bathroom for a quick piss and minimal teeth brushing, and finally let himself slump back in his desk chair. He sipped on coffee and clicked through emails, scrolled around the various social media platforms he was obligated to check on, and finally opened a chat window on Facebook messenger.
>Cas: That kid, Alfie, made a joke about me being old again yesterday.
He clicked over to a blank document, staring at what should be the beginning of a song but was failing to progress at all. A moment later a ping distracted him and he happily returned to Facebook.
>>Dean: The kid knows that as your assistant he should suck up to you, not talk shit, right?
>Cas: He knows I’m too nice to fire him.
>Cas: Plus, he tracks all the way across town for those burgers that are so good.
>>Dean: Maybe the kid has a crush. Flirting in a weird way?
>Cas: I doubt it.
>Cas: Balthazar on the other hand. . .
>>Dean: Guy still won’t leave you alone?
>Cas: Nope. It’s getting annoying. I actually roll my eyes now! I never used to do that!
>>Dean: Ha, that must be a funny sight. Maybe you should get Sammy to teach you the bitch face. It got Ruby to back off. . . Eventually.
>>Dean: Shit, gotta go. Accident in town, gotta go tow someone in.
>Cas: K. Go earn your pay!
>>Dean: Same to you. Bet you are still staring at a blank screen.
Castiel frowned, hating that even after four years apart, Dean knew him too well. He shouldn’t have mentioned his dry spell at all, now Dean was constantly trying to bait him into inspiration. With a grown he let his head fall to the desk, a small thunk sounding through the apartment.
>Cas: I have a line!
>>Dean: LOL, ok. . .
>Cas: The new day dawns. . .
>>Dean: You’ve never seen a dawn in your life! You can’t write about something you know nothing about sleeping beauty!
>Cas: I hate you.
>>Dean: No you don’t
>>Dean: But I like the line.
>>Dean: You are going to be here for Thanksgiving, right?
>Cas: I’m not sure if I can make it this year.
>Cas: With this new song not going anywhere, I need to focus on work.
>>Dean: But you always make it down for the holidays!
>>Dean: Being home will help your writer’s block.
>>Dean: You always go back with a new tune in your head.
>>Dean: Come on. Just a few days.
>Cas: I’ll think about it. But I make no promises.
>>Dean: You are making it for Christmas.
>Cas: That doesn’t look like a question.
>>Dean: Because it isn’t.
>>Dean: You missed out on Thanksgiving for the first time in. . .ever
>>Dean: You are not missing out on Christmas.
>>Dean: And New Years.
>>Dean: You will come home, see your friends and family, and stay a whole goddamn week.
>Cas: Dean.
>>Dean:This is not up for discussion.
>Cas: Let me look at my schedule. And convince my bosses. They aren’t thrilled with me still not having a new song done. They are booking me meetings left and right with artists that want my work, hoping I will give them something.
>>Dean: They should stop that. Sorry buddy, but that last one you did for what-his-name kinda sucked.
>Cas: I am aware.
>>Dean: Come home. It’ll help.
>Cas: I’ll try.
>>Dean: I can’t believe you didn’t make it home for Christmas.
>Cas: I’m sorry. Naomi threated Alfie. Said he had to clear all appointments through her. Then told him not to book the flight.
>>Dean: So you were going to come?
>Cas: Of course! And I was going to surprise you by showing up on the 21st.
>Cas: Had the damn bags packed by the door on the 20th when I got the call from Alfie.
>Cas: Spent a good three hours yelling at Naomi and Zachariah.
>Cas: But by the time I had stormed out and went to book my own flight there was nothing available.
>>Dean: You should quit.
>Cas: I am under contract. I have a good ten songs left before I can do anything. And with this damn writer’s block, that may be far longer than anyone wants.
>>Dean: We miss you, man.
>Cas: I will try.
>>Dean: Lisa left me.
>>Dean: Two fucking weeks after Christmas and she up and fucking leaves!
>>Dean: What’s worse, she took Ben.
>>Dean: I don’t care what she says about him not being mine, I helped raise him for the better part of three years. The kid is mine.
>>Dean: I don’t know what to do.
>Cas: My flight is booked for two days from now. I told Zachariah that I needed a change of scenery. I don’t know how long I plan on staying yet, but at least through the 24th.
>>Dean: . . .
>Cas: I’ll see you soon.
>>Dean: Ok.
Castiel sat on one of the windowsills in his loft, looking down at the bustle of the city. He should be sitting at that computer across the room, hands laid ready on the keyboard to type out any inspiration that would strike. But it had been five months since he had first felt the block stopping him from writing. Since then the three songs he had dutifully turned out had been crap, served up at the request of artists that wouldn’t know good lyrics if they were bitten in the ass by them. The singers he loved working with, the ones he gave his best works to, they had asked hopefully about a new song and smiled sadly and nodded in understanding at his negative response. They would wait for the good stuff, not pushing the song writer. After all, they tended to write a lot of their own music anyway.
He let out a sigh and took another sip of his tea, nearly gagging at the shock that it had cooled to barely warm and hardly tolerable. Stretching out he set the cup down on the ground next to his perch and turned his eyes back to the city below him. Of course, as he stared down at the kids getting out of school and making their way along the sidewalk in front of his building, his thoughts were miles away, in Kansas.
Since Dean had messaged him about his break-up, Castiel had been unable to think about much else. Without hesitation he had booked the flight and sent a quick email to his boss that he needed to visit home due to a family emergency. It had been a full day since the decision and barely any backlash had occurred thus far. He took it to be sign that he was supposed to go home. After all, it had been almost a year since he had visited last, and he desperately missed those he had left behind.
As he let his gaze drift to the steady stream of cars along the roads below, he thought about the crap his best friend seemed to be continuously handed. The man had lost his mother young, his father had hovered on the edge of alcoholism, and he had been pushed into the role of parent for his younger brother all too soon. He had worked with his Uncle Bobby for years before it was technically legel and only went to college when the gruff man had demanded it, insisting that a degree would help Dean take over the business one day. Lisa had been a weekend fling, remembered fondly for her agility but nothing more. When Dean had run into her again and seen the five year old clinging to her, he had been shocked to say the least. After a week of conflicting messages and long conversations with his best friend, Dean had asked Lisa out, deciding he wanted to be involved with her and the kid she claimed wasn’t his. Castiel had doubted her every time he visited, seeing too many similarities between the kid and his best friend.
Castiel felt his jaw tighten once more at the thought of the woman walking out on Dean. He may not have thought she was good enough for his best friend, but then who would be? But even he believed Dean when the man had repeatedly told him how happy he was, how he had what he had wanted. Now all Dean had was a mess of broken promises and pain.
His eyes grew wide as his mind began working rapidly. Suddenly he was jumping from his ledge and running across the apartment to the keyboard set perpendicular to his desk. Lyrics laying half forgotten across the corner connecting the two where scooped up and straightened out. He sat down in his rolling chair, moving in front of the computer for a moment to open up some software before moving back to the keyboard and placing the papers on the stand.
Long, slender fingers moved along the keys, following notes he had had little faith in only weeks before. Now he felt the tune flowing from him, the words to that first verse so sure on his tongue as he mumbled them in time with the notes.
The new day dawns
And I am practicing my purpose once again
It is fresh and it is fruitful if I win,
But if I loose ooooo
I don’t know.
I will be tired but I will turn and I will go,
Only guessing till I get there and I will know.
He had been so frustrated with the writers black that had taken over every inch of him, keeping him from his passion when he had written the words. But as he had come to the last line he had wondered if he had just written out the worst truth, he had failed, he had done all he could in song writing and suddenly he had nothing left to give. The shock and fear had sent him straight to a bottle of whiskey and he hadn’t touched the lyrics since. Now, with Dean’s similar pain fresh in his mind he knew where that song was going.
Castiel stayed up late into the night, his fingers working over the keys, finding the perfect notes for the words. Now that he had it all in his head it flowed out easily, filling the page steadily. It was near dawn before he put the finishing touches on the work and typed up a quick email to Alphie and Zachariah. Closing down every other thing on his desktop, he shut the computer down and made his way into the kitchen to turn the coffee pot on early. His plane would be leaving in a few hours and he still had to take a shower, change, and get to the airport. No time for sleep, the only moment of stillness for him was over a single cup of coffee as he stared down at the street below, once more watching the kids trudging through the dreary weather, this time in the opposite direction. Finally he rinsed his cup in the sink and got a move on his morning, eager to go home.
“You wrote a song for him?” Gabriel’s voice crossed the distance between the brothers via cell phone.
“Well, yeah. He’s my best friend and he just inspired me. It happens. He is my platonic soul mate.” Castiel smiled at the woman sitting in a chair across from him in the waiting area. He thought a quick call to his brother as he waited to board his plane was a good idea. He had been wrong.
“Who you have had a non-platonic crush on since you hit puberty.” He refrained from correcting his brother to inform him it had in fact been longer than that.
“That’s all it is, a crush, nothing more.” He pinched the bridge of his nose. “And anyway nothing is going to happen between us, I have come to terms with that, and I am good. I wrote a song for my best friend who is going through a tough time right now. That’s all.”
“Yeah, how is he doing?” Gabriel’s voice was so much softer with the new question.
“I don’t know. We’ve only messaged since it happened, no actual talking.” Castiel let out a heavy sigh. “But I imagine he is pretty damaged by this.”
“He’ll be fine now that you are on your way to kiss it and make it better.”
“Shut it, Gabe.”
“Hey, you need me to pick you up from the airport?”
“No, Dean wanted to.”
“Of course he did.” Gabriel let out a little chuckle and Castiel could almost see his older brother shaking his head.
“I’ll come by and see everyone as soon as I can.”
“Well don’t rush, it’s just me and Kali still here, everyone went home already.”
“Oh. Ok then. How long are you two staying then?”
“Just a couple days more. Dad insists he is fine and wants his house to himself.”
“Ok. I’ll come by tomorrow. I think Dean wants to go to the Roadhouse tonight.”
“Not surprising. He’s kinda been a permanent fixture there the past week.” Castiel took a deep breath, knowing that his best friend wasn’t going to his favorite bar for the burgers.
“Ok. We’ll I better go, we are boarding. I’ll see you later, Gabriel.”
“Fly safe, Castiel.”
Castiel spent the flight worrying over his best friend. Dean had always held back a tendency to turn to the bottle when things got rough, but just barely and always with Castiel’s help. He worried he would arrive to find a man too broken to turn away from the very same poison they watched eat away at John Winchester. As he grabbed up his suitcase and stepped out into the crisp winter air to see his best friend standing next to his beloved Impala he realized that he shouldn’t have worried so much.
“Cas!” Dean quickly made his way to his friend, throwing his arms around him and gripping him in a tight hug. “Man did I miss you.” The hushed words sent a shiver down his spine and gripped his heart as he hugged back, both men holding on for a little longer than may have been appropriate. When Dean did finally let get and step back, Cas shivered again at the loss of heat.
“You look good.” Castiel blurted out, unable to prevent his gaze from raking over his friend’s obviously toned body, noticeable even under the multiple layers of clothing to fight off the cold.
Dean let out a hearty laugh, clapping Cas on the shoulder as he turned toward the car. “Thanks, man.” As he reached the trunk to allow his friend to throw his bag in, he looked over his shoulder to see Cas a few steps behind. “Stop checking out my ass.” He smirked and popped the trunk open. Even as Cas felt a blush creep up his cheeks he smiled. Dean sounded a lot happier than he had thought he would.
“So you seem to be doing well. Considering.” Cas stated, bag in the trunk and both men making their way to their doors.
“Considering that the little family I made for myself just up and left.” Dean shrugged and slid into the driver’s seat. “My best friend is here to help me forget. I’m, starting to think I may survive this.” He shrugged and started the car.
Cas took a moment to revel in the familiar purr of the engine, sinking into the comforting feel of the leather seat. He had slept on the plane, but it had not been nearly enough to make up for the long day of songwriting that had preceded the flight.
“Cas, man, wake up. We’re here.” Dean shook his friend’s shoulder gently. Castiel opened his eyes to discover they were parked in front of Dean’s house. “Are you not sleeping?” Dean frowned as Cas rubbed at his eyes, worry filling his voice.
“What? No. I mean, yeah, I have been sleeping fine.” Cas shook his head and climbed out of the car, making Dean follow. “Just last night I was a little distracted.” He turned to see Dean’s eyebrows shoot upward.
“Get a little action before you left New York?” He smirked and opened the trunk once more to grab his friend’s bag.
“No.” Cas let out a chuckle. “Hurry up and let me in the house and I’ll show you what I was working on.”
Dean paused at the door, key in hand. “You wrote a new song?” At Castiel’s eager smile, Dean reached out and hugged his friend again, this time letting go quickly. “That’s great, man! I told you being home would inspire you! Just thinking about getting here had the gears turning.”
Cas reached out and took the bag from Dean as soon as they were in the living room. Setting it down he eagerly pulled a CD from the front pocket and stepped over to the stereo.
“Actually, it was you.” He glanced over his shoulder to see Dean as he hit start, fully turning his body to face his friend as the first of the notes filled the room.
As the second verse started Dean sat down heavily on the couch. His forehead was wrinkled with concentration as he listened to every word of the song as his friend watched anxiously. By the end of the third verse his focus was on the ground and Cas could no longer see his features, but relied on the stiff posture of his friend’s shoulders to indicate his attention. Finally the song stopped and Cas began to fidget as he waited for Dean’s response. Just as he was opening his mouth to question him, Castiel was nearly barreled over by the force of Dean hitting him with yet another hug. When had his friend become so affectionate?
“I love it man.” Dean’s voice was thick with emotion but Cas could hear the smile.
“Good because I emailed it to my bosses at the crack of dawn, as soon as I finished it.”
“You saw a damn dawn?” Dean pulled away to stare his friend in the face and let out a loud laugh. Even with his head thrown back in mirth, Cas could see the fading tracks a few tears had made down the man’s cheeks.
“Yup. It was surprisingly stunning.” He smiled as Dean looked back at him. “But I’m not planning on seeing another any time soon.” More laughter filled the air and Cas was reminded of how much he had missed his best friend.
“Ok, well, why don’t you go take a nap in the guest room for a bit. I gotta get back to the garage anyway to get some work done at least. Then tonight you and me, the Roadhouse, burgers and beers. Just like old times, man.”
“That sounds like an excellent plan.” Cas agreed, moving to grab up his bag once more. “What time will you be home?”
“Around five. Closing the shop early on account of I am the boss and my best friend is visiting.” Dean grinned as he opened the front door and threw up a hand in a parting wave.
“Sleep tight!”
That night they did go to the Roadhouse for dinner. In between saying hi to everyone that recognized Castiel and stopped to welcome him home, the men caught up on the things they hadn’t shared through brief messages and conversations over the past few months. Dean seemed ok, other than refusing to talk about Lisa and Ben at all, as if he could erase the whole thing from his memory. Castiel was taking a small comfort in the limited number of beers his friend drank and the fact that Ellen, owner of the Roadhouse and near Aunt to Dean, didn’t run up to tell her worries to Cas as soon as his friend had disappeared to the bathroom.
Castiel decided to stay in Kansas until the end of the month, wanting to remain for Dean’s birthday to celebrate as well as keep an eye on his friend. Over that time he watched Dean struggle now and then with the obvious pain at the loss of Lisa, and most importantly Ben, but try to move on as well. Any time Cas expressed concern for Dean, asking how he was doing, the other man was quick to shrug him off.
“I’m fine, Cas. It’s not the first time I’ve been dumped.” He shrugged into his fifth beer of the night. They were relaxing on the couch, the tv playing in the background, as they enjoyed their last night of Cas’s stay.
“Yeah, but you’ve never been with anyone for so long.” Cas pointed out. “Isn’t there a correlation about time spent together and recovery time.”
“Maybe. But . . . Well, I’m me.” Dean shrugged again. “I don’t know, man. I am starting to think I am not meant to be with anyone permanently.” He frowned.
“I really doubt that.”
“Cas, you are the longest relationship I have had, besides Jo. She is like a sister and you are my best friend. Outside of yall, and Sammy, no one seems to want to stick around.”
“Well, I would rather not give up hope since it would mean I am probably in the same boat.”
“Nah, man. You’ll find someone. You’re a catch.” Dean nudged his friend with his shoulder.
“That doesn’t seem to be the general opinion.” Cas let out a small sigh. “I went out with Balthazar once.” The words were barely above a mumble.
“What! You kidding me? That sleaze ball?”
“Dean, since moving to New York I have only been with one man long enough to loosely term it a relationship. Then a scattering of first dates and only a handful of times that turned sexual. Men don’t exactly jump at the chance to date the shy, work addicted type in New York.”
“Well then they are idiots.” Dean shot back. “You are incredible. I’ve always thought that.”
“Unfortunately you are the only one that seems to think so and you’re not interested.” Cas nearly choked on his own tongue when the words he had said hit his own brain. He frowned down at his beer, wondering what number it was, positive it was one too many. Dean remained quiet for a moment and Cas refused to look at him as he shuffled to the edge of the couch. “I think I am going to get to bed. One flight with no sleep was enough for me.” He stood and glanced at Dean, noticing his friend watching his every move. “Are you going to be ok to drive me to the airport in the morning, or should I call a cab?”
“Nah, man, I’ll be good.” Dean shook his head as if clearing it and stood as well. “I’ll clean all this up. You go get some sleep. I’ll see you bright and early.”
“Thank you, Dean. Good night.”
“Night, Cas.”
The next morning, the men were quiet as they had coffee and piled into the car, both telling themselves it was because it was far too early for conversation. It wasn’t until they had parked the Impala and made their way into the airport that it hit them that they were going to be split up for an undetermined amount of time once more.
“So call me when you get back to the city, let me know you made it ok.” Dean said, shoving his hands into his pockets.
“Alright. Thank you for the ride. And letting me stay with you.”
“Of course.” He looked up at his friend. “I’m really glad you were able to come out.”
“It seems that I thought you would need me more than you did.” Castiel smiled softly. “But I am glad I came home.”
“It might not have looked like it, but you being here did a lot.” Dean rubbed the back of his neck.
“Than I am even more glad I made the trip.” Cas glanced at the clock on the wall behind Dean. “I had better go. Security is quiet a hassle to get through.”
“Yeah.” They paused for a moment before Cas reached out for Dean and drew him into a tight hug.
“You’ll be fine. You’ll find someone great.” He let go and grabbed up the handle of his bag, taking a step back. “I’ll call you later.” Dean nodded and remained rooted to the spot as Cas slowly made his way deeper into the crowd of people, occasionally looking over his shoulder to see his friend standing still.
~*~
A month later Castiel was staring at yet another blank screen and sipping on his midmorning coffee. He had been so excited to pen two more songs during his brief stay with Dean, thinking he had gained back his ‘mojo’ and was ready to get back to work when he arrived in New York. That was not the case. It seemed that being close to his best friend had only served to flare up his homesickness as soon as he was back in the too big city. Thoughts of how he had nearly admitted to having feelings for his friend had only piled onto it.
His head was on a downward arc to hitting the desk in frustration when a knock at the door to his loft startled him back into his chair. With a heavy sigh, Cas stood from his chair, leaving his coffee on the edge of the desk, and made his was to the door. He squinted through the peephole only to see the back of a head as the person on the other side of the door turned to look behind him. Cas frowned at the sight of the head of hair that seemed too familiar to be outside his door. Clumsily he worked through two deadbolts and a chain to get the door unlocked and open, jerking it open finally to reveal the man on the other side.
“Dean?” His voice came out higher than intended with shock.
“Hey.” The other man tried to go for cool, he could see that, but the slight blush creeping up his ears was throwing off the look.
“You don’t fly.” His brain short circuited, throwing out the first random thoughts it could grab onto. “You hate flying.”
“Yeah. And now I remember why.” Dean smirked, rubbing the back of his neck nervously. “So, you gonna let me in or am I gonna have to make my whole speech in the hallway?”
“Oh, god, yeah, come in.” Cas moved to allow his friend to enter, closing the door as he turned to stare at Dean. “What are you doing here?”
“So bare with me. I had this whole speech worked out. Been rewriting it in my head until it was perfect. Then I got on that damn plane and forgot it all. I tried rethinking it all, but then none of it sounded right. Like, at all.” He was rambling and there was no way he was going to be able to stop himself in his nervousness.
“Dean!” Cas reached out and grabbed his friend’s shoulder. “Take a deep breath.”
“Yeah, ok.” Dean inhaled deeply and slowly let it out. “Shit, you’re going to think I am crazy.”
“You flew to New York! I already think you are crazy.” Castiel let out a shallow laugh. Dean’s nerves were catching.
“I think I found that someone great.” He looked Cas in the eye, and his friend saw the excitement there.
“What?” Cas fought to ignore the way his stomach dropped at Dean’s statement.
“You know, you said I would find someone and they would be great. And like a freaking moron I went to the goddamn bar that night with that thought in my head. I kept thinking, yeah, I got this, I can find someone who will think I’m just as great as I think they are. I mean, come on, you stuck with me all these years, and you know everything about me, all the bad especially. And you’re pretty amazing, Cas. So if you can still think so much of me after all this time, someone else can, too, right?” Dean was grinning and all Castiel could do was nod in return. “So then Jo is there asking what I was looking for in a woman, right? Since I have dated all types, but now I am looking for the one, what do I want. So now that has me thinking, well I need someone who can put up with my shit, like you do, and can even call me out on it. Someone who can listen to me rant for hours about my job and especially the Impala, the way you mostly willingly do. And god I need someone that gets my references, because you know I can’t be quoting a movie and have you be the only person in the room that laughs.” He’s talking too fast again, but Cas is listening, keeping up with this list of a person that could make Dean happy.
“And I’m just about to tell Jo about how I think I really, really like blue eyes when she starts laughing!” Dean lets out his own laugh as if for emphasis. “’Wait until Cas hears how he is the perfect woman.’ She says. Like it’s so damn funny that my best friend has ruined me, made it so that no one else will ever live up to what I want.” Dean is serious now, taking a step closer to Castiel who may not be breathing he is standing so still. “She gave me another drink and said ‘good luck finding another one of him.’ And she was right, Cas! There’s no one like you. No one else is going to know that when ‘Hey Jude’ comes on you just need to be quiet. No one else is going to leave the last piece of pie for me every goddamn time. Nobody will ever know every detail without me having to retell it all. And they sure as hell are not going to write me a damn song.”
Castiel hadn’t noticed Dean taking steps closer, but suddenly he was very aware of the very small space between him and his best friend.
“And don’t get me started on those blue eyes.” Dean’s voice was hushed as he looked into his friend’s eyes. There was silence for a moment as they simply stared. “So, yeah, I’m pretty good with women, know what I’m doing and when to make a move. But. . . Well, could you help me out a little here. Am I spinning my tires or. . .” Before he could keep going Castiel had grabbed his face and pressed their lips together in a desperate kiss. A moment later Dean had put his hand on the back of Cas’s head, the other on his hip, pulling him closer, deepening the kiss. Dean pulled Cas’s bottom lip between his, about to try to add his tongue into the mix when he suddenly started laughing.
Castiel jerked his head back.
“Sorry.” Dean let out another chuckle as he tried to gain control over himself. “It’s the stubble, it caught me off guard.” He cleared his throat, smiled at his friend and moved to kiss him again, but Castiel was pulling away from him. “What?”
“Are you crazy?” Cas frowned.
“I thought we went over this. I just might be.” Dean reached out again, but Cas took another step back.
“You’re not gay.” Cas frowned. Now that he had some space to himself he was actually thinking. “You’ve never even looked at another guy. You’re not bi.” He shook his head.
“Cas?” Now Dean was frowning too.
“Dean, I have had a crush on you nearly all my life, and maybe I am a little in love with you, but I never actually thought this was a possibility.” He waved a finger between his chest and his friend’s. “Because you are as straight as they come.”
“Did you know there is this whole scale out there?” Dean asked, growing serious. “A whole study dedicated to the different ranges of gay and straight, you can take a test and everything.”
“So what? You took a test that said you may be a little bi and so you decided to fly out here and turn my world upside down?”
“God, no, Cas. I didn’t even take the damn thing. Sam told me about it when I called him freaking out about the fact that the perfect person for me is a dude. What I’m trying to say is I am not as straight as they come.”
“So suddenly the fact that I have a dick isn’t a big deal?” Cas frowned, crossing his arms over his chest.
“I’m saying it’s no deal. That didn’t sound right. I mean, it doesn’t matter.” He reached out for Cas once more and nearly screamed when he was denied yet again. “Stop doing that!”
“No!” Cas was nearly shaking.
“You’re scared.” Dean watched his best friend for a moment before taking a deep breath. “Ok.” He nodded and pointed at the couch behind his friend. “Sit. Obviously I didn’t explain myself well enough.” They both made their way to sitting, Dean purposefully putting just enough space between them not to freak Castiel out any more. “I honestly thought I would come in with my speech, kiss you, and we would live happily ever after. I didn’t consider you having a big gay freak out about my sexuality.” He rubbed a hand over his face.
“Why are you not freaking out?” Cas asked, his head tilted just slightly to the side.
“Were you not listening? I had my realization the day you left. I called Sam about two days later after I did a whole lot of thinking about you, trying to figure out if I really felt about you that way or if we are just really close friends. I freaked out about the gay thing on the phone with my brother. He calmed me down and told me to think some more, work out my feelings before I said anything. It took me another week to figure out that I don’t give a shit about what you're packing. Sure, we are going to have to take things a little slow, but I know we will get there because for the next week all I could think about was kissing you. Like dreaming about what your lips would taste like and feeling your body pressed against mine.” Cas felt most of his blood rushing south, and by the sound of Dean’s deeper tone he was feeling the same. He watched as Dean took another deep breath, running his tongue over his lips as he let his eyes move down his friend’s chest. Castiel cleared his throat and Dean’s eyes shot back up to meet his own.
“Sorry. Like I said, a lot of dreaming.” Dean leaned forward just slightly and took Castiel’s hand in his.
“What about that last week?” Cas asked quietly.
“Getting work covered and getting up the nerve to fly out here.” Dean smirked.
“Why didn’t you drive?”
“Can’t be out here that long. I have three days here before I fly back. Next time I will plan further ahead and take more time off.” He shrugged and squeezed the other’s hand.
“Please. I know it seems sudden, but I’ve been thinking about this for a little while. And I think even before then.” He bobbed his head from side to side. “Normal friends are not as close as we are, Cas. Before Lisa I had kinda stopped looking for anything serious, figured I had some hard core friends and I was good. Hell, even after Lisa I wasn’t nearly as upset as I should have been. I kinda saw it coming, she knew I didn’t love her. I was only broken up over loosing Ben. Didn’t realize I wanted kids until the one I had was taken from me.”
They sat quietly for a moment, Dean unsure of what else to say and Cas trying to process everything that had already been said. Finally Cas squeezed Dean’s hand in return and looked up at his best friend with a shy smile.
“Are you serious about this?” He was proud of the way his voice didn’t shake.
“I got on a damn airplane, Cas. I’d say yeah, I am sure.” Dean smirked.
“What about the distance?” His brain was working again.
“We’ve mostly survived just fine with it for four years.” Dean pointed out. “But this time you are going to write the last of those songs you owe for that shit contract. Then you are going to find someone that will let you write from Kansas and you are going to come home.”
“You just assume I’ll go back.” Cas huffed, but Dean could see the slight tilt at the corner of his lips.
“Well, I was prepared to offer to move out here, find some space and open a shop. But I know you hate it here, so yeah, I assumed you would come back.” Castiel let out a laugh.
“You’re right.” He nodded and scooted a little closer on the couch. “I can’t believe we are having this conversation.” He said, just above a whisper.
“I can.” Dean smiled. “I knew we would end up together. Maybe not romantically. . .but I knew you couldn’t survive without me.”
“You are an ass.” Cas shook his head at his friend.
“It’s one thing you love about me.” Dean lifted a hand to cup Castiel’s cheek, grinning wider as the other man leaned into the touch.
“Yeah it is.” There was a very brief moment when neither said anything before they were kissing once more. This time, though, neither had any intention of stopping.
Keep it up and don’t give up
And chase you’re dreams and you will find
All in time.
. . .
All will be well.
Even after all the promises you’ve broken to yourself.
All will be well.
You can ask me how but only time will tell.