Archive of Our Own

Moose and Squirrel

Part I

1

From the outside, the Padaleckis were the perfect family. Loving mom and hard-working dad, three beautiful, smart kids, and a moderate, yet spotlessly clean house with a perfectly manicured garden. There were laughter and hugs, evenings spent with parlor games and weekends on days out, to the zoo, funfairs or cinema, hiking, fishing and swimming, and once in a while, even to a football or baseball game. The July 4thcelebrations in the Padalecki household were as famous as their Thanksgiving feasts, and Sherri, Jared's mom, went all out to give him and his siblings the most memorable birthday parties ever.

Then, on a day that had been standard until the early evening hours, Jared was sitting in his bedroom, playing with his Lego airport. He always felt a weird fascination when he crashed the plane down into the airport building because then he could also use his Lego fire engine and his Lego hospital to fight the tragedy. While he let his Lego Boeing crash into the waiting area, his parents' voices, which had been mere whispers sounding through the thin walls of the house, suddenly got louder. It was not only the volume that made Jared look up from the destroyed building, but their tone. It was heated. Angry. Panicked. Full of venom. Forbidden words flew through the room, mean and evil words, words Jared was not supposed to even know. Glasses and tableware were breaking and it scared him, so much that the scene of the disaster was forgotten instantly. 

Hurrying over to his bed, Jared curled into a small ball and hid beneath the covers. The soft cover with the tractor bed linens muffled some of the noise, and Jared pressed his small hands against his ears for additional protection, breathing in and out, trying hard not to panic himself, while yells, screams, and cusswords sounded through the normally so peaceful house with its blue window frames and the white picket fence where sunflowers and dahlias swayed their blossoms.

That's how his mother found Jared half an hour later; a shivering bundle of skin and bones, blinking because the light hit him once the dark, safe cave of his bedding was gone. Her own eyes were red and puffy, her face was swollen, not only from tears but from a quickly blooming bruise around her left eye. “Pack your toys, darling,” she prompted. Her voice sounded very different than usual. Broken, hurt, and raw. The way she looked at her middle son made it clear that resistance was futile. “We're going to visit Aunt Betty.” That was Sherri's older sister. She was living up in the Dallas area, and Jared had only met her four or five times in his life.

Sherri got up from the edge of the bed where she had been sitting and headed towards the small closet, getting out a very old-fashioned, bulky suitcase. Without really thinking about it, she threw random clothes in it, while Jared started to demolish his Legos in record-breaking time, throwing the small colorful cubes into the big transparent box in which he kept them before he took his favorite cuddly toy, a larger than life squirrel he had gotten on his third birthday and had named Happy.

“Wait here,” Sherri prompted once the packing was done, leaving the room, yet not closing the door. Jared could hear her rummaging around in the adjoining bathroom before she headed to the small room his three-year-old sister was sleeping in and up the stairs where his brother Jeff had his small kingdom under the roof.

“No!” Jared heard his brother call, as loud as their parents had fought earlier. “You can't make me come with you! I'm gonna stay with Dad.” Their mother's reply was far quieter so that Jared couldn't hear it, Jeff's voice rose again until eventually, Jared heard one pair of feet hurrying downstairs before his mother pulled the door open with a yet unknown force.

Tears were stinging in her eyes and she looked at him, her face scrunched in pain. “Do you want to stay, too? With your brother and your dad?” Jared loved Jeff and he sure loved his dad but he loved his mom just a tad more than both and he was just too young to really understand any of what was happening right now and what it meant. So he just shook his head. “No, Mom. I'll go with you.”

Ten minutes later, he left his childhood home behind, the transparent plastic box with his Lego tightly pressed against his chest, his brother standing in the doorframe, looking at his mother and siblings in disbelief, their father nowhere to be seen.

The Padaleckis only owned one car and it was gone, taken by her good-for-nothing husband. For a few heartbeats, Sherri looked at the empty space in the garage, before she just shrugged and started to walk down the street, Megan's small hand in her left, a suitcase that was much too heavy to carry for a long distance in her other hand, Jared trotting behind her, struggling even more with his toy box and the too big suitcase. She only made it as far as to the next phone box, where she called herself a cab that brought them to a shady motel on the interstate. It had been a gloomy, very quiet ride, and confusion had long chased the fear from earlier away. Jared didn't really understand what was happening, but when he had opened his lips, his mother had shaken her head and moved her hand in an explicit gesture that questions were not welcome right now.

Now, Jared was sitting on a far too soft bed in a semi-lit room that smelled funny, Happy pressed against his chest, while his other arm was wrapped around his baby sister. His mother was talking on the phone, a very old-fashioned thing with a dial plate, talking a mile a minute, far quicker than normal, taking deep breaths of air before she asked her sister to go pick her up. Silence, as Sherri listened to her. “Tomorrow morning,” Sherri then affirmed. “Thank you, Betty. I can't thank you enough.”

After she finished the call, she sat down next to her son, wrapped her arms around her two kids, and finally told them what had happened. Megan of course was too small to understand any of it, and even Jared didn't understand much, but what he understood was that his mom and dad had had a horrible argument and that they would be living with Aunt Betty for a while. With eyes wide as saucers, Jared looked at his mom, his small heart hammering heavily against his chest, a weird hole opening in his gut.

“What about Dad and Jeff?” He sounded strange in his own ears, far less confident than normal. “Will they come live with Aunt Betty, too?”

Gently, Sherri moved her fingers through her son's soft, brown, slightly curly hair. “No honey, I don't think they will.”

The hole in Jared's stomach grew, threatening to swallow him from the inside, and he felt his chest tightening and his eyes filling with water. Even though he didn't want to cry, because he sure was no baby anymore, big hot blotches ran down his face and he buried his head in the dale of his mother's breasts as he understood that things would never be the same again.

***

Less than twenty-four hours later, Aunt Betty led Jared into a very small room. It was barely enough for a bed and a chest of drawers, and it looked far less cozy than his own bedroom back at home, but it had a nice white-blue wallpaper and a very fluffy dark blue carpet on the hardwood floor. A fine, flowery smell enveloped Jared and the small window had a cushioned bench and wide view over the lush, green backyard of his aunt's house. Beyond the fence that was separating her property from her neighbor's, Jared could see a hint of clear water sparkling in a blue pool and a bunch of kids playing with a beachball. Laughter was booming through the neighborhood, and when Jared opened the window, the scent of barbecue was whiffing to his nose.

“That's the Ackles' over there,” Betty explained as she joined her nephew who was looking out of the window curiously. She was three years older than her sister Sherri, widowed, with no kids. Her late husband had left her a generous life insurance and she worked part-time in the local library. “They have two boys and a girl. The girl is around Megan's age I guess, and the boys are older than you, but they are good kids. I'm sure you can find friends in them.”

Jared turned his head, looking at his aunt hopefully. “Yeah?” He hadn't even been able to say goodbye to his friends, Chad, Jordan, and Stephen, whom he had known since kindergarten, and to Sandy, who he wanted to marry since he had been four years old.

“Yeah. I'll make sure you meet them tomorrow.”

For a long time, Jared couldn't find sleep this night, no matter how tightly he pressed Happy against his chest and no matter which side he turned to. The bed was far more comfortable than the one in the motel, smelling fresh, the linens soft and the moon that was seeping through the dark blue curtains that matched the carpet illuminated the room in a soft silver glow, but Jared was far too agitated to sleep. Too much had happened in the past day. Just like that, he had been ripped out of a life that had been cozy, of a surrounding that had been safe and now he found himself in Richardson, hundreds of miles away from his old home, facing life-changing changes. A new room to sleep in, his aunt to live with, a new school to go to come next Monday, new teachers,and hopefully, new friends.

***

Letting his eyes glide left and right, over the many trees, bushes, and flowers in Betty's backyard, Jared followed his aunt, a can filled with cookies pressed against his chest. They had made them earlier today, Aunt Betty and him, while his mother was doing the grocery shopping with Megan. Almonds and dark and white chocolate chunks, with a hint of cinnamon in them. They were still warm, and tasted as deliciously as they smelled. It was Jared's gift of welcome to the Ackles' kids. He knew, if it had been the other way round, if someone new would come to the neighborhood and bring him cookies, it would make them his new best friend, because who didn't like someone who brought them cookies? Yet, Jared was weirdly nervous. His hands were moist, and he felt a little sick, far worse than on his first day of elementary school. But back then, he had not been the stranger. He had known almost half of his classmates from kindergarten and their teacher was one of his mother's friends, so it had been very easy. Not now. Jared almost clutched at the can and the closer they came to the fence, the louder the noises and the splashing from the pool got, yet not as loud as his heavily drumming heart, or so it seemed to him. He didn't really notice that there actually was a gate in the fence and he only heard half of Betty's explanation, that the previous owner had been one of her late husband's oldest friends and that no one had bothered to lock the gate for good after Michael had died and the house had been sold to the Ackles years ago.

“Jared?” His aunt's hand was only a lightweight on his shoulder. “That's Josh and Jensen, Donna's boys,” she introduced, when they finally stopped at the pool, pointing at two young teenage boys who were splashing in the water, curiously swimming closer as they noticed the scrawny kid in his black shorts and green tee, a can pressed against his small chest. “And that's Jason, Steve, and Tom. They're also from the neighborhood.” She paused, looking at the boys, smiling slightly. “That's my nephew Jared. He, his mom, and his sister just moved up from San Antonio and will be staying with me for a while. He brought cookies.”

“Hi,” Jared pressed out, swallowing hard as five pairs of curious eyes were staring at him. “I just made them with my aunt. Almond and dark and white chocolate chunks.” Shyly, Jared opened the lid, placing the can on the table that was standing on the terrace by the pool. Almost clean-licked bowls of ice cream and five glasses filled with lemonade were standing on it and colorful towels were draped over five chairs untidily.

For a few moments, nothing happened, yet then, one of the boys called “I love cookies,” lifting himself out of the water very quickly and having joined Jared and Betty at the table even before the other boys had left the pool. Despite the sun, his skin was rather fair, apart from his shoulders, where a sunburn was blooming, and countless caramel-colored freckles were scattered over his skin. He had light brown hair, a nice smile, and the greenest eyes Jared had ever seen.

“Hi,” he said, looking at Jared a little sheepishly. “I'm Jensen. Thanks for the cookies.” He took one, scarfing it down instantly before he took a second, which disappeared equally fast, and washed it down with a very deep gulp of lemonade. In spite of his obvious liking for sweet stuff, he was rather skinny. “Don't tell mom I had two,” Jensen whispered. “I'm not supposed to have that much. Mustn't turn fat.” He placed his hand on his belly, looking down on himself, and for a moment, something like a shadow crept over his face, yet, when he looked up, he smiled.

Jared wanted to ask Jensen why he was not supposed to have something as delicious as cookies once in a while, yet even before he could, a woman came out of the backdoor of the house, greeting Betty and introducing herself to Jared as Donna Ackles, Jensen's and Josh's mom. Meanwhile, the other kids had joined them on the terrace, too, each of them taking cookies and munching at them happily, while Jensen looked rather miserable at the still well-filled can.

“One is okay, darling,” Donna said after she had watched her son looking at the fine-smelling cookies longingly, smiling when Jensen didn't hesitate to take one. She knew her son's love for candy, cookies, and pie, but she couldn't give it in. The model agency was very strict and if you believed Sheila, the head of the agency, Jensen could have a great modeling career in his future. The world was his oyster, and Donna just couldn't risk the success and the money that might come with it with a few cookies.

“They're awesome,” Jensen raved about them. “Thanks again. How about you come join us in the pool?”

Releasing a silent breath Jared hadn't even realized he had been holding, he stripped off his tee and jumped into the pool in his black shorts, laughing and splashing with the other boys. It didn't matter that Jared was the youngest, they were just laughing and fooling around, and when they got tired, they got out of the pool. There was a fresh glass of lemonade and a fluffy orange towel for Jared, and, while the boys were dozing on the lawn, Donna brought them a generously filled plate full of sandwiches with different fillings.

Jared took one, sitting down on his towel the sun had long dried Indian style and taking a far too big bite of the delicious smelling sandwich, the taste of thin-sliced turkey and sandwich cream hitting his taste buds at once. 

“What's your story?” Jensen asked as he joined Jared on the towel.

For a few moments, Jared looked at the older boy in incomprehension, wondering what the question meant. He would only turn eight in three weeks, and while he was quite smart and mature for his age – at least compared to other seven-year-old boys - no one had ever asked him about his story. Then though, Jared understood what Jensen wanted to know and Jared told him quickly. About San Antonio and his family. About his Legos and Happy the Squirrel, about his own love for cookies. How much he loved to climb trees or swim and even enjoyed reading a children's book, once in a while. He talked a mile a minute, mainly looking at his folded legs, but whenever he looked up, Jensen was looking at him, smiling kindly. “What about you?” Jared asked once he had finished telling Jensen everything that had come to his mind, apart from his plans of marrying Sandy. “Why are you not supposed to eat cookies?”

A hint of crimson shot over Jensen's face and he played with the slightly too long blades of grass, not looking at Jared. “Don't laugh at me.”

“I wouldn't. Promise.” Jared placed his hand against his heart.

“I'm a model. For clothes. In catalogs,” Jensen pressed out between his lips, still not looking at Jared. It was obvious that he was embarrassed. “Some boys at junior high mock me because of it. Call me pretty boy.” He shrugged. “Once, they made a collage of some of my more cringeworthy pictures and plastered copies of it all over the school,” Jensen whispered, still feeling humiliated just thinking about it, the laughter of his classmates still ringing loudly in his ears. From a very neutral point of view, the photos - then and now - were of course harmless; he mainly wore pajamas or pants and shirts, but still, it was enough for other people to mock him. He didn't even know why he was telling Jared about the incident at school. Of course, his mom knew, but he hadn't even told Josh. Yet, Jared had confided in him, too, had told him about his mom and dad, and how confused he still was, and how he missed his old home, his brother and dad, his friends, and it just felt right to tell Jared.

Fingers ghosted over his hand that was lying on the towel, barely there. “'m very sorry that happened to you, Jensen.” Jared sounded far older than his seven years. “It's nothing bad. In a way, it's cool.”

Jensen shrugged. He didn't hate it, not really. Far from it, actually. Of course, he suffered from the mocking, and he didn't like to wear make-up, it felt weird on his skin, though it at least camouflaged most of the hated freckles, but he liked wearing all these clothes, and having pictures taken of himself, not only in the studio, but sometimes, also outside, in nature. The photographer he was working with, Mike, was a cool guy, and while he didn't really know how much he was paid for it, his mom had once mentioned that it would fund his college and from all he knew, going to college was damn expensive. “Yeah?” He looked up, seeing Jared smile. He had quite cute dimples when he smiled.

“Sure. I wouldn't lie to you, Jensen. I never lie.” The smile widened.

“'m also very sorry about what happened between your mom and dad,” Jensen said. “But I'm glad you moved here.”

And just like that, Jared and Jensen became friends. Strangely, the age gap of more than four years never mattered. They met every day, sometimes only for ten or fifteen minutes, each of them standing on their side of the fence, laughing and talking, until eventually, both Betty and Donna put up plastic chairs there, so they wouldn't have to stand until they grew roots there. During the weekends, they were pretty much inseparable, at least on the days Jensen didn't have to do his modeling job. It happened up to two times a month and sometimes, especially when they were on location, as Jensen called it, he was gone for the whole weekend. The first time Jared saw Jensen in the catalogs, it was weird, and he told his friend, while he was turning the pages, Jensen's face smiling at him, while he was wearing all kinds of clothes. Some were cool, some not so, and both of them started to make fun of the weird clothes, wondering who would actually buy that stuff.

***

Weeks turned into months, and months into a year, and suddenly, Jared found himself celebrating his ninth birthday, Aunt Betty's patio decorated with colorful balloons and the table heavily laden with cookies and pies. Jeff and his dad had come up from San Antonio, Jensen was there, and Connor and Ethan, two friends from school. While Jared still didn't really know what had happened between his parents, he had a vague idea, and the woman called Carrie he had met when he had visited his brother and dad for Christmas had strengthened that impression. Yet, despite the nasty fight, his parents were civil with each other, and when his dad patted his knees in an inviting gesture, Jared crawled up his lap and cuddled close, not minding that his friends were watching him.

“You're happy here?” It was asked like a question, yet was far more a statement. It was clear that Jared was happy with his mom, aunt, and baby sister who had grown like a weed in the past year, and with a bunch of new friends to spend his days with.

“I am, Dad. I miss you and Jeff, but I found friends, and I have nice teachers, and Aunt Betty makes the best cookies imaginable.” He rubbed his tummy, well filled with birthday cake and cookies.

“Jensen, is he your new best friend?”

For years, Chad and Jordan had been his best friends, but he hadn't seen them for a while and the last time he had met them, it had been awkward, the silences stretching into unbearable lengths. “I guess he is.” Jared smiled, looking at Jensen. He was thirteen now, had grown a good deal and Jared had heard his mom and aunt talking about what a good-looking boy Jensen was. Jared wouldn't know, he was just not interested in stuff like that yet, but only a while ago, his mom had talked to him about Jensen and their friendship. She had hinted very carefully that Jensen was growing up very fast now and that he soon might want to spend his time with boys his own age, or even girls. Jared had wanted to defend Jensen, had wanted to tell his mom that Jensen wouldn't do something like that and drop him like a hot potato, but his throat had been weirdly constricted and in the end, he had only shrugged. Not because he didn't care. The thought of losing Jensen to friends his own age was very painful, but because he hadn't known what to say. “He makes me laugh, Dad. He is fun to hang out with. He listens to me. He cares.”

In the night, they were all sitting around a fire his father had lit in a pit in the garden, the flames crackling happily. There was grilled meat, salads, and bread, and later, generously filled bowls of ice cream and s'mores and marshmallows roasted over the fire. Josh, who was quite talented on the guitar, played a few songs they could all sing along to and while it was sounding a little off, it was still quite atmospheric. Jensen was sitting close to Jared, and whenever their legs or shoulders brushed, it felt weirdly good. 

When it was time to go to bed for both of them, far later than on normal days, Jared walked Jensen home, because he wanted to. And just like that, in front of the Ackles' patio door, he was being wrapped into his friend's arms, receiving his first hug from Jensen. It was just brief, but very tight. Warm. It was something Jared never wanted to be without ever again.

***

The next year passed in a blur and bound the two boys even tighter together. Now Jared was a little older, Sherri finally allowed sleepovers, and Jared either spent the nights from Saturday to Sunday at the Ackles' house or Jensen at Jared's place. He was still sleeping in the bedroom that was far too small for a second mattress, so they always slept up in the loft that was finished, yet not really used as a room. It was their space and retreat. Two mattresses, several pillows, and blankets, Happy the squirrel always joining them. Jared just wasn't used to sleeping without him, and Jensen never mocked him, sometimes even bringing one of his own old stuffed cuddly toys, a moose called Sven. “When I was four or five years old, my parents went on vacation to Scandinavia and brought Sven as a present,” Jensen explained when Jared had asked him about Sven. He wasn't quite sure where Scandinavia was, but it must be cold and snowy if moose were living there. “Ever since, he has spent a good deal of time in my bed.”

Jared lifted his brow. “Even now?” Jensen was fourteen years old.

“Even now, though I hide him in my closet when Kyle or Kristie come over.'' Jared's mother had been partially right. Jensen had started hanging out with new people, a guy named Kyle who had moved into the neighborhood at the start of the last term, and Kristie, who maybe was Jensen's sweetheart or not, but despite being busy, especially with his modeling, Jensen still made time for Jared. A while ago, Jensen had moved on, from catalogs to real advertisements, and only recently, he had shot his first commercial that would soon be on nationwide TV. “I don't trust them with him. I only trust you, Jay.”

The statement made Jared weirdly emotional and he didn't know what to say, playing with the edge of the blanket he had wrapped around his body. It was mid-January, and while winters were never really cold in Richardson, it wasn't exactly cozy underneath the roof. “I trust you, too, Jen.” Jensen had never laughed at him, had never really mocked or made fun of him, and if he did, it was with gentleness and not with malice. “You really are my best friend.”

“And so are you, Jay.” Jensen dug Jared into the ribs quite gently to make sure that the moment wouldn't turn into a chick-flick. Sure enough, Jared huffed in acted annoyance and displeasure, taking one of the pillows and beating it against Jensen's head, and instantly, a pillow fight started, which ended with the boys tackling and tickling each other, grappling with each other playfully. There was laughter, and high-pitched, almost girly screams and they only stopped when Sherri came upstairs, reminding them that it was long past 11 pm and definitely time for two boys to finally go to sleep.

2

Five weeks after Jensen's sixteenth birthday, Jared's world came crashing down. Just like that, his mother told him that they would move to San Diego to live with her partner Andrew. Sherri and Andrew had met two years ago, and for a long time, it had been an on and off thing, especially because Andrew still had been married. Now, as the divorce was through and his grown-up daughter had moved out to study in Philadelphia, he had room for his new family.

“I'm sorry, darling,” Sherri explained, sitting down next to her sobbing son and handing Jared a fresh tissue. “It's something I have to do. You want me to be happy, don’t you?”

Of course, Jared wanted his mom to be happy, but he also wanted to be happy himself, and Richardson meant happiness. He loved Betty's small house, her cooking, he liked his junior high and the circle of friends he had, and most of all, he loved Jensen. “But, -”

“There is no but, Jay. You can't stay with Betty, that's a far too big responsibility for her. You can go back to San Antonio or stay with me, but you can't stay here in Richardson, darling.” Sherri kept on talking, trying to sweeten the move, but nothing sounded as nice as their sanctuary here. The thought of moving away scared Jared. It wasn't about finding new friends. That wouldn't be a problem. He was popular, outgoing, with a big heart and a smile that lit the room. It was about missing old friends. Irreplaceable friends. Jensen.

Once his tears had run dry, Jared disappeared into the bathroom, not looking at his mother. Right now, he hated her, he really did. How could she do that to him? How could she once more rip him out of his comfort zone, take everything dear to him away from him?

Splashing ice-cold water into his red face, Jared took a deep breath. He tried to understand, he really did, but he just couldn't. He didn't really mind Andrew, but why could he not just move to Richardson? They could buy a house in the neighborhood. Or close by. Close enough that Jared would still be able to see Jensen and his other friends once in a while. But San Diego? It was a million miles away. It could be the moon. If he moved to San Diego, he would probably never see Jensen ever again, except in his commercials. Maybe he should move to his dad? But ever since they had sold the house and split the money, his dad was living with Jeff in a small and modest two-bedroom condo. There was no room for Jared. Quarters were close enough if Jared stayed with his dad for a week, but moving there was simply unthinkable. Jeff and Jared would kill each other. Jared swallowed hard, understanding what that meant. It meant San Diego. Starting anew. Losing Jensen.

With a heavy heart, Jared left the bathroom, and, still ignoring his mother, the house. Cold, moist air smelling of rain hit him once he was stepping outside, and he ran over the lawn, pushed open the gate between the two properties, and hurried over it until he was standing on the Ackles' patio door. The living room was lit, the family sitting together for dinner, but when Jared wanted to retreat because he was just too well-raised to bother them while they were dining, Jensen came over and opened the door.

“What happened, Jay?” he asked at once, looking at his best friend's face, his eyes red, puffy, and very treacherous. Jared looked lost and broken, and Jensen was worried at once. Normally, Jared was a happy kid. Smiling and laughing all the time. Whatever had happened must be grave if it had managed to put that look on his best friend's face.

Tears came back instantly as he heard the worry in Jensen's voice. “I'm-” A sob escaped Jared's throat and Jensen's chest tightened in panic. Maybe Jared was sick? A shudder ran down his spine as several horrible pictures ran through his mind.

“Honey, what happened?” Donna had joined her son at the patio door, almost as worried as Jensen. Jared was a good friend to Jensen, almost part of the family, well-behaved, helpful, and likable. Another sob escaped Jared's throat. It was clear that Jared wasn't ready to speak about it just yet. What was clear too was that he needed to be somewhere warm and with his best friend. “How about you boys get upstairs and I'll make you both a hot chocolate?”

Jensen didn't object and led a sniffing Jared upstairs and into his bedroom, where he pushed him into the mattress. He was shivering, and Jensen wrapped a blanket over his shoulders. Jared was still so scrawny. He had grown quite a good deal lately, but there were only skin and bones, sinews, and a few muscles holding him together.

Sliding as close as possible, Jensen put his arms around Jared and pulled him against him. For a moment, he closed his eyes. Holding Jared like that was a rare treat. He loved that kid, in all senses of the word. A while ago, Jensen had realized that he was gay. Not bi. Gay. One hundred percent. And he had realized something else. His heart was beating for Jared. Just for him. For no one else. But Jensen also knew something else. He mustn't be gay. Just like he was not supposed to get fat, which led to his mother counting his daily calories, he was supposed to date girls. Especially if he wanted to progress into an actor, maybe, or a real model. Everyone told him he had the talent, the aura, and the looks for both. Loving a man, most of all a young boy, was totally forbidden. Yet, if he had the chance to be physically close to his best friend, he would take it. Always. “Jay? What happened?” Jensen asked gently, moving his arm up and down over Jared's side. “What's wrong? You know you can tell me anything.”

Jared sniffed, daring a quick look at Jensen. He didn't really want to tell him. If he did, it would become real. And it would not only break his own heart, but quite probably, Jensen's, too. Jensen had trust issues because of his slowly rising fame and while a lot of people wanted to hang out with him, he only had a few close friends, Jared on top of that very short list. “You know Andy, my mom's boyfriend?”

Jensen nodded. He didn't know the guy too well, because he was living in California, but once a month he flew to Dallas to see Sherri and while Andrew didn't really seem to care a lot about teenagers, he at least was polite enough to always exchange a few pleasantries with Jensen whenever their path crossed, random stuff, about school or sports.

“He finally got a divorce and Mom,” Jared sniffed pathetically, “wants to move to San Diego with him. I am going to move to San Diego.”

The words stood heavily between them, were followed by a clap of horribly strong thunder and the brightest bolt of lightning imaginable. Both were so surprised by the force of nature that they flinched, clinging onto each other, their hearts thrumming heavily against their chests. Another thunder echoed through the night, and slowly, the news sank in, for both of them. Jared would be leaving. There would be no talks while sitting on the meanwhile quite dirty white plastic chairs on each side of the fence. No sleepovers under the roofs. No swimming in the pool or riding their bikes through the neighborhood and out of town. No fishing holidays with Gerry. No laughter or shared silences.

“Gosh, Jay.” Jensen felt hot liquid stinging in his eyes, yet he forced them down. He couldn't lose it. Not when Jared was hurting so much, too. His kind, best friend. Four years younger, but so wise at heart. Smart and generous. “I don't even know what to say.”

“Neither do I, Jen.” He placed his forehead against Jensen's shoulder, breathing in the scent of shampoo, shower gel, and detergent. “Just that I don't know what I'm gonna do without you.”

For a while, Jensen didn't say anything. What could he possibly say? Anything would either sound trite or too corny. Sniffing once, he pressed Jared just a bit closer to himself, fearing that he would never hold him like that again. It constricted his throat, made him feel as if he was closed into a too-small room and the walls moved closer and closer until they crushed him to death. “There are phones, Jay.” Jensen tried hard to sound brave and positive. “Holidays. Things called planes. That's not the end.”

Jared wasn't so sure about that. San Diego was so far away. They would go their separate ways, just like it had happened with his old buddies. Between two sniffs, Jared dared to mention it, but Jensen looked at him weirdly, shaking his head. “'m not Chad or Jordan, Jay,” Jensen stated genuinely. “It's different. We are different.” He lifted Jared's face, locking his eyes with his. Such amazing eyes, with golden dots in them. “We'll be good.”

Eventually, both calmed down a little and Jared's tears ran finally dry. When Donna knocked on the door softly, Jared was still sitting on Jensen's bed, yet leaning against the wall, Sven the Moose pressed against his chest. Quickly, Jensen filled his mom in.

“Oh sweetie,” she called out. It really was a loss, for all of them, yet, especially for her son, who adored Jared, simply because Jared had always met Jensen with kindness and respect. “You'll be so missed.” She handed Jared a steaming mug of cocoa and Jared sipped it slowly, the heat warming him up a little, while thunder upon thunder crashed through the night and heavy raindrops splattered against the windows.

Jared didn't go home that night. He stayed in Jensen's room, right where he was, in Jensen's bed, Sven pressed against his chest, a fluffy barrier between himself and Jensen. He had long fallen asleep, yet Jensen was watching over him. He didn't dare to touch, kept his feet and hands away from his friend, but he looked. Felt his warmth, his presence, watched the slight rise and fall of his chest, the bangs falling into his face. He memorized every detail and locked it into his heart, to never forget his best friend.

***

Sherri wanted to burn her bridges behind her quite quickly, and when Jared stepped into the living room the next morning, she announced that they would be leaving Richardson in two weeks. Their flight tickets were already booked and a moving company was hired to transport their belongings to San Diego.

“You could at least have waited until the term is over,” Jared spat out, glaring at her furiously, before he ran upstairs, throwing the door of his bedroom closed so heavily that the doorframe was actually shaking. Angrily, Jared flung himself onto his bed, hugging Happy against his chest, feeling very much unhappy and moody, tears once more burning his eyes. He ignored her knock, and when she came in, he ignored her touches, turning away from her and tugging the blanket over himself completely. Jared refused to go to school, he refused breakfast, lunch, and dinner and whenever Sherri wanted to talk to him, he growled, like a hurting dog.

Night had swallowed the day, and once more, his bedroom door was opened, yet, the steps whispering over the floor were different, and the weight he felt on his mattress was not quite as heavy as his mom. A hand touched his neck, gentle like his mom's, yet different, and a whiff of shower gel tickled his nose. Jensen. His best friend. The reason why he was hurting so much was because he just could not even imagine his life without him.

“Jay? You gotta eat. You need your strength,” Jensen pleaded, rubbing his hand over Jared's shoulder. Less than ten minutes ago, Sherri had knocked at their door, asking Jensen for help. Of course, he hadn't hesitated. “Your mom told me how sad you are. And I get it, man, I really do. Just the thought that you won't be here any longer? It numbs me, Jay.” All through the day, Jensen hadn't been able to stop thinking about Jared. How it would be when he wouldn't be living next door any longer. How his own life would be without his best friend by his side. How much he would miss Jared, his booming laughter, and his bright smile. It scared Jensen that life without Jared in it, but he also knew that Jared would never truly leave him. “But look, there are things in life we can't change, and I fear this is one of them. So please, don't worry your mom and me like that. Have a bite and try to see the good things.”

Slowly, Jared turned around, looking at his best friend with tired and gummy eyes. He was dehydrated, only had a little tab of water when he had sneaked out of the room and into the bathroom, and was far beyond tears, anyways. Despite only lying in bed, he was exhausted, from crying so much and pitying himself, and of course, he was hungry.

“Here he is.” Jensen smiled down at him and although Jared was only twelve years old, that smile did something to him. It made him feel weird and tingly inside and when Jensen reached out to place his hand against his chest, fireworks erupted like a volcano in his belly and sent shockwaves through his body, until they slowly faded away. “Look, I brought you cookies and my mom's sandwiches.”

“Cookies,” Jared sobbed, remembering that day four years ago when he had first met Jensen, hiding his face in his hands.

“Come here, Jay,” Jensen whispered and tugged him against his chest. He wrapped him into his arms as tightly as he could. “We'll be alright, Jay. Always stay friends.”

“That a promise?” Jared mumbled against Jensen's body. It should feel weird, almost cuddling with his best friend, but it didn't. Quite the contrary, it felt right, as if they were two parts of the same whole. Just like Jared and Jensen belonged together.

“Course it is,” Jensen promised. “No matter what, you and me, Jay, we'll be friends for life. No matter where the road leads us. Even if we don't see or even talk to each other, we'll always be good.”

***

Tears were burning in Jensen's eyes as he walked over the lawn, the huge gift box tucked under his arm. For a long time, Jensen had been thinking about what he could give Jared as a goodbye present until he realized that there was only one present that made sense, that there was only one item in his belongings that was a part of himself. So, Jensen had pressed Sven against his chest one last time, had kissed his furry nose, and had put him in the box, together with a photo of Jared and himself and a box filled with homemade cookies. And now, it was time to say goodbye. In an hour, Jensen was supposed to be at school, and Jared on his way to the airport.

Determined not to cry, yet feeling horribly sad, Jensen was knocking at Betty's patio door. She opened it, wiping her eyes. The atmosphere was gloomy. Several boxes occupied half of the living room; the moving company would get them later today. The breakfast table was laden, yet the plates were empty because no one was hungry. Megan was sitting on her mother's lap, Jared next to them, playing nervously with the band of the gray hoodie he was wearing. It looked far too large for his skinny torso.

Wordlessly, Jared got up, leading the way into the loft. He wanted to say goodbye to Jensen there, where they had spent so many happy moments full of friendship.

“I um, brought you something,” Jensen announced the obvious, standing awkwardly in the room. Its coziness was gone, the mattresses, pillows, and cushions already cleared away. “Don't open it now, Jay. Open it when you arrive at your new home.” He offered the parcel and Jared took it. It was quite lightweight and briefly, Jared pressed it against his chest, before he reverently put it on the floor.

He wanted to say something so badly. Thank Jensen for his friendship and kindness, for the shared laughter and tears, for hours upon hours spent cycling, swimming, even horseback riding. But there were no words in English to even put his feelings into words. So he just slipped his hand into his pocket and got out a beautifully plaited leather band he had spent all his pocket money on and slipped it over Jensen's wrist. “Don't forget me, Jen.” Wrapping his arms around Jensen, Jared held him tightly and Jensen returned the hug instantly. 

They stood like that for what seemed like hours, crying, their tears wetting the other's clothes, their bodies shaking, yet pressed to the other's so close that it looked as if they were one entity, Jared and Jensen, best friends for life.

“Jared? Sweetie?” It was Betty who had come upstairs. “It's time. The cab is here to get you to the airport.”

Jared couldn't let go, could he? If he did, he would lose his Jensen. “I can't,” he murmured, clinging onto Jensen even tighter. “I just can't, Jen.”

“You can, because I can, too.” Jensen sniffed, slowly, tentatively, loosening his grip and stepping back a little. Jared looked broken and hopeless, his face a snotty mask of pain, just like Jensen felt. Yet he smiled, was strong for his friend, because Jared needed it. “We're gonna see each other again, Jay. I promise.”

Jared looked up at him.

“Promise.” Tenderly, Jensen wrapped his right hand over his left wrist, pressing Jared's precious gift closer against his skin. “Bye, Jared. Take care. Stay safe. Be happy. And don't forget me.” He locked eyes with Jared one last time, saw his friend smile behind all those tears, and turned around, flying down the stairs, faster than he had thought it would be possible.

He only stopped running when he had reached his home, throwing himself into his mom's arm, not minding that he was sixteen years old and far too old for tears and his mother's hugs, anyways. Just like two weeks ago, she made Jensen a hot cocoa and sweetened it with a homemade cookie, for once not worrying about his diet, joining her son on the sofa, and trailing her fingers through his hair. “You know, darling. When I was seventeen, I lost my best friends. Erin. She died in a horrible accident while she tried to save her younger sister from drowning in the river.” Jensen swallowed. He had never heard that story before. “We were as close as Jared and you. So I know how you feel. It's okay to be sad. It's okay to cry, okay to miss him. And other than me, you have the chance to see Jared again.” She paused, kissing Jensen's forehead. “You will see Jared again.”

Jensen nodded, feeling a tad better, playing with the beautiful friendship bracelet Jared had gifted to him. The leather band ended in a real sterling silver clasp and there was a very fine engraving in it. It was tiny, barely to be read, and Jensen's eyes were not the best, especially because they were still blurry, but when he blinked twice, he finally could read it, and his heart skipped a beat. Always, it said.

***

Jensen's present still pressed against his chest, Jared stepped into his new room. He had only let go of it at the airport security and during take off and landing and only now he dared to let it out of his sight. The room was smelling of fresh paint, new fabrics, and furniture and it was a really cool room, Jared had to admit. At least twice as big as the room in Richardson, probably even bigger, with a desk where he could study, a comfortable-looking armchair, and pictures on the wall he had chosen himself, just like the bright wooden furniture. “Thanks, Andy,” Jared said genuinely. Andrew had welcomed them with open arms, like Megan and he was family, too, not just Sherri, and it had chased some of the sadness away.

“Nothing to thank me for, kiddo. Want you to feel at home here. Welcome. You're family now.” He placed his hand on Jared's shoulder. “How about you unpack your stuff and get some rest. Have a shower.” The bedroom even had a small en-suite bathroom as Jared only noticed now. “Later, we'll go out for dinner.”

Jared nodded and watched Andrew leave and close the door behind him. For a while, he stood in his new room, his eyes once more moving over the furniture and accessories, before he did what he had done all those years ago when they had arrived in Richardson. He walked to the window and opened it. He could see the next-door neighbor's house and wondered if they had kids, yet knowing instantly that no one would ever come close to Jensen.

He turned around, eyeing the present. Part of him didn't even want to open it. Wanted to delay it, because he just couldn't bear the thought of receiving Jensen's farewell. Yet, he moved closer to the gift box, a dark blue cardboard box with a slightly brighter blue ribbon. Carefully, Jared unfastened it, lifting its lid. His heart skipped beating when he laid eyes on Sven. “Gosh, Jen,” Jared breathed out, taking the moose out of the box. Knowing how much Sven meant to Jensen, it was an unbelievably meaningful and generous gift. Tears filled his eyes, and he buried his eyes into Sven's fur, taking in deep breaths. It smelled of Jensen, of course, it did. He held Sven even tighter, while he noticed the other items in the box. A big can of homemade cookies, which made Jared smile, and a framed photo of the two of them, sitting on the edge of the pool, their legs underwater, their arms wrapped around each other, their heads touching. It was a beautiful photo, speaking of the bond and friendship they shared, and Jared put it onto the empty chest of drawers next to his desk. And of course, there was a note. Jensen's words of goodbye, wishing him luck and happiness, health and sunshine, new friendships, laughter, and joy. He pressed it against his heart briefly, before he put it into his journal.

That night, on his first night in San Diego, Jared fell asleep, Sven the Moose in one of his arms and Happy the Squirrel in his other arm, dreaming of Jensen and him, not like they were now, but grown into handsome men, riding horses through a mountainous landscape. When he woke up the next morning, Jared cuddled Happy one last time before he put him into the big blue box.

I'll leave Happy with you for safekeeping until we will meet again Jared wrote onto a piece of paper he had ripped out of his journal, adding a smiley. I know he is in very good hands with you. Be happy, Jen.

Part II

3

“Earth to Jared,” Christopher, his current boyfriend, said and Jared took his eyes away from the most handsome and gorgeous man in the world. A multiple larger-than-life picture was hanging from the ceiling in the departure lounge, advertising a new aftershave, muscled chest glistening with water drops, just like the water the man was wading through glistened like a thousand diamonds. Jensen.

Whenever Jared laid his eyes on a picture of his once best friend, which happened pretty much constantly, because Jensen Ackles could not really be avoided, quite a lot of feelings were shooting through him. Regret and longing were on top of the list, but also a hint of anger, at himself, but also at Jensen. Not that he really blamed him. Jared had long accepted that someone like Jensen wouldn't want to be friends with someone like him, a gay elementary school teacher who was living a very simple, almost boring life in a small town in Texas.

Jensen Ackles. Top model. Singer. Actor. Multitalent. Desired by women and men alike. Praised. Loved. And most of all, very mysterious, because he was such a private person. No one knew where he was living, no one knew who he was dating, what he liked or disliked. When Jensen gave interviews, and Jared had read and seen quite a lot of them, he wasn't ashamed to admit it, he always stayed professional, never giving away much about Jensen Ackles, the man. When Jensen went to movie premieres, galas, or award ceremonies, he always showed off another perfectly looking arm candy, blonde, redhead or brunette, petite or almost as tall as himself. Styled perfectly, wearing Armani, Hugo Boss, or other designers, expensive watches, and always something brand new. Yet, one thing was far from brand new, something Jensen always wore, no matter whether he was playing at Madison Square Gardens, filming with Cruise or Pitt, or shooting advertisements. A leather band held together with a small clasp made of sterling silver. Whenever Jared laid his eyes on Jensen's left wrist, where he had put that leather band thirteen years ago, his heart skipped a beat, before a warm, tingly feeling chased the sadness away. Jensen hadn't forgotten about him.

“JT? What are you staring at Ackles for?” Christopher didn't know that once, in another life, Jared and Jensen had been close friends and Jared wasn't planning on telling him. For one, Christopher disliked Jensen. For no particular reason. Just because he was a privileged white spoilt brat, who probably earned more in a day than Christopher earned in a year by just being pretty. Besides, and most of all, Jared wanted to keep Jensen to himself. The memories from then, and the pride of what Jensen had become now. The laughter and tears. The hugs. The letters and phone calls, that first had come daily, then weekly, then only monthly until eventually, they had only come sporadically until it all had ended in radio silence, roughly four years after Jared had left Richardson.

Not that it had been solely Jensen's fault. Jared had been sixteen, finally admitting to himself that he was gay and crushing heavily on his best friend, who was just one tiny step away from an overwhelming career. Confused and frightened by what Jensen might say, Jared had drawn back. At the same time, Jensen had just released his first album, which had shot straight to the top ten of the billboard charts, and was shooting his first movie, starring alongside Ben Affleck. The magazines had been full of him, he had been jetting back and forth between LA, New York, Toronto, and Dallas, for interviews and other public appearances. It had been 1998, and cellphones were still expensive – too expensive for a sixteen-year-old boy. One had come to the other, and while Jared would probably never know what had happened on Jensen's side, he regretted nothing as much as that he had missed the point of no return. He had just sat it out, hoping that maybe Jensen would get in touch, yet waiting in vain and only blaming himself for it anyways because Jensen would have deserved the truth, at least about Jared's sexuality.

“No, not staring.” Jared flashed Christopher a fake smile the other man still bought. “Just lost in thoughts.”

“I know what we can do about that,” Christopher whispered salaciously, grabbing Jared's waist and bringing his groin against Jared's, not minding that they were standing in a departure lounge at Chicago O'Hare airport where Jared was supposed to board his plane back to Austin in less than forty minutes.

“Not now, Chris.” Jared grinned, biting playfully into his boyfriend's neck. “Not here.” His voice shifted. “Next time we meet, you can fuck me senseless wherever you want, as long as we are in a private place.” He let his tongue run over Christopher's earlobe, something he knew made his boyfriend crazy before he kissed him hard on his lips. What bound him with Christopher was attraction, but not love, not really. He didn't do love. Only sex. And Jared also never had long-term relationships. His longest relationship had been with Craig, but even him Jared had dated only seven months. It wasn't these men's fault. It was Jared. It had something to do with bowed legs, freckled skin, and emerald eyes fringed by very thin lines. The most beautiful smile imaginable. A voice that sunk deep inside Jared and caused tingly waves of pleasure, whenever Jared listened to it. It had something to do with a brown, fluffy moose called Sven that still shared Jared's bed, whenever he didn't have a guy to share his bed with and a framed photo with a message of farewell Jared had placed on his nightstand and only hid when he didn't sleep in that room on his own. And it had something to do with hope and a promise. Of Always, and We're gonna see each other again. 

“Okay,” Christopher agreed, yet sounding less than happy. He let go of Jared and brought him as far as the security gate. “Have a safe flight, JT.”

There was no goodbye hug, not even another kiss, and Jared wasn't sure if there even was a next time they would meet. “Take care, Chris.” He waved once and got into the line for security, placed his bag, belt, and jacket in the trays to have them scanned, and waited for his turn to walk through the security scanner. Once he had the all-clear, Jared got himself a coffee and bottle of spring water, his mind on the man who was looking at him from several magazine covers.

At first, Jared had bought them all. He had read the countless articles about Jensen, ripped the pages out of the magazine, and put each page in a transparent sheet he then had gently put into a folder. After a year or so, Jared though had to give it up. Jensen had been pretty much everywhere, and the costs of all the magazines exceeded his moderate pocket money by far. From then on, Jared had only bought the magazines with the particularly good interviews or arty shots. Even nowadays, he did it once or twice a month, yet a while ago, Jared had given up on filling the folders. Five folders in twelve years, kept in a locked office cupboard, were enough. He knew it was a little creepy, but he couldn't help it. Reading about Jensen and looking at his face made Jared feel as if Jensen was still a part of his life, and in a way, he was. Not only because of Sven, who accidentally ended up in his arms quite often, or the bracelet Jensen was still wearing. It was because a very big space of his heart just belonged to Jensen and always would.

The newest GQ issue joined the spring water in the basket, just like a pack of candy. Jared paid, then walked straight to his gate. Boarding would start soon, the ground crew was already standing at the desk and looking very busy and Jared decided that he would read the article once they were in the air. Leaning himself against a pillar, glad that he could stretch his long legs before he had to fold them into the too-tight space of tourist class, Jared sipped on his coffee.

Thirteen years. Sometimes Jared was still amazed by the fact how much time had passed and that they had never managed to see each other again. But in the first summer, Jared had broken his collarbone, in the second summer, after Jensen had finished high school, he had been busy with modeling and his first tentative steps in the film industry, and in the third, they already had barely been in touch. Besides, it had been the time when Jared had started to notice that something was not quite normal with him concerning his sexuality, that nothing happened with his downstairs brain when he looked at the bunch of very pretty girls at his high school, some of whom he really liked, but a lot when he laid eyes on his once best friend whenever he stared at a photo of Jensen. Of course, it had seemed very wrong to jerk off with his eyes on one of said photos, yet Jared had done it a good deal of times anyways.

A few months later, Betty had died. Heart attack, at the age of fifty-seven. His mother had arranged the funeral, and of course, Jared had been there, just like Donna, Alan, and Mackenzie, but Jensen had been too busy, having moved to LA and starring in several TV productions. It had been good to see Jensen's family, to talk to Mackenzie, who had turned into quite a stunning beauty and passed Jensen's love on to him. Jared, on the other hand, had handed Mackenzie a letter to Jensen he had written, but he never had received a reply and it seemed to be the final nail in the coffin they had laid their friendship to rest in. Had it not been for the bracelet, Jared had been sure of it. Yet, the bracelet had been Jensen's steady companion. He even wore it on set, if his character could get away with it. It gave Jared hope that Jensen hadn't completely forgotten about him and that a tiny part still cared.

Finally, just one minute after he had finished his coffee, boarding started. Jared hurried to the bathrooms, because he rather used the toilet in the airport, got in line once he was back, his hands still slightly wet from washing them. Showed his boarding pass, moved onto the plane at snail's pace, took his water, the candy, and the mag out of his bag before he stored it in the overhead locker and squeezed himself into the seat. The moment he fastened his seatbelt, Jared started to read, or well, most of all, to admire the sight. Glossy black and white photos of Jensen, his naked torso very defined, in a ranch setting. He was leaning salaciously against a barn, his cowboy hat shading most of his face, was sitting on a horse, not straight, but bent over its beautiful long black neck or was sitting on the dusty ground, one leg bent, pressed against his chest, his naked torso propped up by a hay bale. More photos followed, one particularly gorgeous, where Jensen was laughing, throwing his head, his left hand on his sculpted abs, the bracelet in full display. It had definitely seen better days, Jared noticed, but it warmed his heart that Jensen was still wearing it, even after all those years.

The flight was pretty much uneventful and when Jared finally landed in Austin, he got his car from the long-term parking lot and drove home. After Jared had finished college, he had started his career as an elementary school teacher, and a year ago, he had gotten a permanent job at Marble Falls Elementary. It was a good place to live and while Jared didn't parade the gay around, it hadn't been a problem so far. The headmaster and some colleagues knew, just like his neighbors probably guessed, but just like Christopher, most of Jared's other partners had been living in other states. He had met them all online, aware of the fact that it might be a little risky, that someone could be a nut-job, pervert, or murderer, but so far, nothing had happened. They were different types of men, but all cared far more about fucking than loving and didn't mind the long-distance relationship bit. Jared was sure, for some of them he had not been exclusive, but he always used a condom and had himself tested regularly and he didn't really care.

Jared was living in a moderate three-bedroom house in a safe, really nice neighborhood. There were a lot of kids from his school living in his street, who called him Mr. P, and their parents called him Jared. There were barbecues Jared was invited to and a street party at the start of the summer holidays where everyone brought food or beverages, while the kids were having the time of their lives. When Aunt Betty had died, she had left her inheritance to Jared and Megan, and it had been enough to fund this house and its furnishings.

As Jared turned into his street, he noticed that the house at the corner had finally found new owners. The “For Sale” sign, that had adorned the house with its dark red face for years, had finally been removed and a moving van was parked in front of it. A family tragedy had occurred there years ago, with the husband killing his wife and his two kids. Ever since the house had remained empty for most of the time. Some of his neighbors claimed it was cursed and haunted, that the spirits of Amanda and her little girls were caged within the walls they had died such a violent death in, but Jared didn't believe in the supernatural. He had actually visited the house when he had wanted to buy, but had decided against it, simply because it had been a tad too large for a single guy. Jared needed nothing more than his own bedroom, a guest room for when family or friends visited, and a room he could use as his office. Glad that life was returning to the house and that there were new people to meet, Jared smiled and drove the remaining yards, until he turned left and into his driveway.

He took his luggage and entered his house through the front door. Lucy, his neighbor, had watered the leafy plants and had put the heap of mail on the small chest of drawers in his hallway. Jared first carried his luggage upstairs; there was not a lot of laundry to do, because he had washed most of his clothes at Christopher's place. Then he opened all the windows before he took his mail and went into his office. The usual bills, a postcard from Jeff who was holidaying in France, and a letter from his mom. She sometimes did that, writing letters to him. After they had moved to San Diego, their relationship had been complicated for a while, simply because Jared had blamed her for his own misery. He had stopped talking to her and confiding in his mom and he had rebelled a little. Not drug and booze or shoplifting, but simply being moody and not listening to her, not studying quite as much as he should have, and doing the exact opposite of what Sherri had wanted him to do. After six or seven months though, once Jared had to admit that while he missed Jensen like an amputated limb, San Diego wasn't even that bad, it had gotten better. Good enough to come out to her a few years later, and good enough to call his mother a friend.

He powered up his laptop and checked his emails. As expected, he had received one from his headmaster. Instructions about the start of term in three days, timetables, and a list of the class Jared would mentor this year. It was a third grade, which would be a nice change to the first grade Jared had last year. He preferred older kids, anyway, simply because they were a little more independent and had gotten used to school and the demands that came with it. They were twenty-six in his class, and while he knew most of the names, three seemed unfamiliar to him. Ben Bowman, Sophie Hull, and Tamara Snyder. Three new kids. Jared smiled. It would be exciting to get to know them.

4

“Sophie, hurry up,” Josh called from where he was sitting on the sofa, the remaining part of his right arm pressed against his chest and his lifeless legs bent awkwardly. Not that he could feel them. “Your uncle is waiting to get you to school!” He looked at his younger brother who was worth millions, who was one of the most asked models, actors, and singers in the world, and who had camouflaged himself so well that not even their mother had recognized Jensen the first time she had seen him like that. Hair dyed, into quite a dowdy mixture of blonde and brown, a scruffy beard that looked close to being called raggle-taggle, and contacts that turned the stunning green into an almost cold blue. Beanie, a hoodie that hid his perfectly sculpted body, baggy jeans, and shades rounded off his appearance. Not that he needed it. Jensen Ackles, musician, actor, and model, had nothing in common with Josh Hull's younger brother Jack. Only the bracelet Jared had given him all those years ago and that Jensen refused to take off unless absolutely necessary was part of Jensen Ackles. “You sure you're cool with it?”

Jensen looked at his older brother punitively. “Otherwise I wouldn't have offered, Josh. Besides, the way I look, no one will recognize me.” He grinned broadly, showing his perfect teeth. For a while, he had even thought about wearing the dental prostheses of very untended teeth he had gotten for one of his roles, but had decided against it in the end. In a way, Jensen liked that hide and seek. It was fun, and he could help Josh with it and protect their privacy.

Less than a year ago, Josh Hull had been a successful lawyer. Married to Helen Hull, the father of Sophie Hull. He had taken his wife's name, simply because the steady questions of whether he was a relative of famous Jensen Ackles had been very tiring. Then, barely seven months ago, their lives had changed. A car accident after they had returned from a charity gala for a hospital in Dallas. Helen had died instantly, and Josh had survived, barely. He had lost his right lower arm and paralysis would make sure that he would never walk again. After more than two months in the hospital and another two months in rehab, while his mother had taken care of his traumatized daughter, Josh had returned home. Yet soon, he had noticed something. It was damn hard, taking care of an eight-year-old girl when you were bound to a wheelchair and had only one arm left. Besides, it was even harder, living in a house where you had led a very happy life with your now-dead wife. So eventually, after counseling with his and Helen's family, who were living in Ohio, Josh had decided that he needed to move on.

Jensen had been very generous, had not only paid the countless hospital bills but also the new house in Marble Falls, a town Josh had picked pretty much randomly. He didn't care one bit that the house was supposed to be haunted. It couldn't be much worse than the ghost of Helen haunting their old house. Marble Falls had been a good choice, Josh had known it instantly. It was far away enough from Dallas, but still Texas, yet close enough to Austin, where he would need to go to hospital and follow-up-care, once in a while. The accident had not been his fault, but until he had fought for his right at court and received compensation, Jensen had helped him out financially, without batting an eyelash. It was the least he could do, just like he didn't mind helping Josh with Sophie a bit until they had found a permanent household help and a nanny who would take care of the girl. 

Finally, Jensen could do something good for someone in his family. Most people thought he was a spoilt soulless brat who spent all his money on clothes and jewelry and only cared about himself, but the fact was, most of the designer clothes Jensen wore were sponsored by said designers, just like the watches were given to him as a loan for the particular event he was parading the jewelry around. Most of his money rotted in his bank account, and he was everything but soulless and selfish. Once in a while, Jensen donated generously, but always anonymously. He only owned two cars, two very pricy acoustic guitars, a nice penthouse apartment in LA, and a cabin-style mansion in the Rockies, that was so secluded that his next neighbors were miles away. Sure, the apartment and house were finely furnished, but in general, Jensen still would describe himself as modest, especially compared to some of the very extravagant people he met both in the music and film industry. He liked it that way. His working life was so demanding, with shooting movies, writing and recording songs, going on tour and shooting photos, and all the publicity that came with it. Being famous, and popular was often just very exhausting. Jensen wanted to have his peace and quiet when he retreated to his sanctuary in Colorado.

Yet, with Josh's accident, his own life had changed, too. He had agreed instantly to help out with Sophie, as long as he could stay anonymous, and it would be a good change. He had told his agent that he needed a break because of a family emergency, had postponed the plans for a tour, and withdrawn from a movie project, thankfully before he had signed any contracts. While he was staying in Marble Falls, he could still write songs and do the odd photoshoot, so that people would not forget about him. “Sophie!” Jensen called himself now. “You wouldn't want to be too late on your first day, would you? We have to see the headmaster and you have to meet your class teacher before the first lesson starts.”

Sophie was a sweet girl, but of course, the past six months had been hard for her. Losing her mother, seeing what had happened with her dad. The stump scared her, and his helplessness confused her. Moving away from her friends had almost been as bad. She had nightmares and had started to wet her bed again and her marks had dropped. Of course, they had. Her mind was somewhere else, with her dead mother in Heaven and her crippled father on Earth. Jensen tried to be a good uncle. He loved Sophie. She was his only niece and it probably would stay like that, at least for a while. Mackenzie had no intentions of having kids on her own yet, and Jensen didn't even have a partner to think about adopting or a surrogate.

Finally, Sophie came down the stairs, wearing a nice yellow summer dress that tottered around her skinny body, the curly hair she had inherited from her mother bound together in a simple ponytail.

She looked up at her uncle. “You look funny, Jens. Like a hobo.” A smile parted her lips, and for a change, it even reached her eyes.

“Then I did everything right. Just remember to call me Jack, okay? Now come.”

***

Eric Kripke had been headmaster of Marble Falls Elementary for eight years. He was one head smaller than Jared, bald, and a hilariously funny and kind man. Jared liked and respected him. Everyone liked him, even the more demanding parents and the more difficult kids. He was smart, eloquent, and very fair. At 7 am, he welcomed the staff and introduced the two new additions in their team they had gotten this year, Brianna and Alice, who were both around Jared's own age. Then, he quickly informed them about some changes and his plans for the term, before he released most of the teachers. Everyone, apart from Damian and Jared. They were the only two teachers who had to welcome new pupils this year, apart from the little ones in first grade. Eric made a quick call to his secretary, before he announced, “Damian, we'll start with your pupils.”

Damian and Eric left, and Jared used his alone time to pour himself another cup of coffee and have a second one of the croissants Eric had sponsored for the start of term. Maybe ten minutes later, just after Jared had finished both coffee and croissant, Eric came back. “We can start, Jared. Sophie Hull finally arrived now, too.” Hurriedly, Jared wiped the crumbs from the corners of his mouth and his button-down. 

Eric led Jared into one of the smaller conference rooms, where five adults and three kids were waiting. The kids were huddled close to their parents, eying each other curiously, yet weren't ready to really acknowledge each other just yet. There was a chubby girl, wearing a not very flattering bright dress that hugged her body in the wrong places, a quite tall boy in a black tee and jeans, and a small girl with curly hair in a ponytail wearing a yellow dress that looked at least one size too big for her. She reminded Jared of someone, but he couldn't put a name to the memory and he brushed it away instantly. He had already met so many kids in his relatively short career as a teacher and at first sight, they often looked alike.

“I'd like to meet your new teacher, Jared Padalecki,” Eric announced with a clear voice no one ignored.

A bolt of lightning chased through Jensen when he heard the name. The room they were waiting in wasn't big, but his eyesight was bad, despite wearing contacts, and he had only seen a tall figure with a mop of hair, not really the young man's features. Besides, the last time he had seen him, Jared had been a twelve-year-old scrawny kid, not a twenty-five-year-old grown man. He blinked, looking closer, and recognized the boy in the man Jared had become. Even taller than himself, lean and muscled, the smile still as striking as all those years ago. The bangs that fringed his face. Strong shoulders and arms. Jared was wearing a simple dark blue button-down, yet tight enough to outline his body. Jensen's heart skipped a beat and another one. Jared was stunning. He didn't hear anything, not Jared and Eric talking, not even Sophie asking something, only had his eyes fixed at Jared, who now came over to where parents and pupils were waiting, introducing himself to the chubby girl, talking to her quite softly.

Then it was their turn. Jared squatted down, offered Sophie his hand which looked as big as a lion's paw. Talked to her kindly. Smiled. Gosh, that smile. It could still light up a room and make Jensen all warm and fuzzy. Then Jared got up, looked at Jensen, said something. His voice, of course, had changed, was beautiful, soft, not too deep, smooth. The hand he offered was larger than Jensen's own, his handshake warm. It caused something, that handshake, sent a warm tingle through his whole body and planted a small seed of hope inside Jensen he had long missed.

Jared felt it, too. He had introduced himself to Sophie Hull, once more having the feeling that she reminded him of someone, someone from his childhood. Then he looked up to her dad. Wearing baggy, torn jeans, a faded hoodie, the red having long lost its bright color, and a very scruffy, far too long beard, he looked a little raggle-taggle. With scary, almost cold, blue eyes and slightly greasy hair that was peeking out from under the beanie. Yet, when the man took his hand, something happened. It felt as if Jared had met him before. Not only that. Like he had known him, in another life maybe, like soulmates, who finally met again after several centuries.

Sophie's dad introduced himself as Jack Hull. Instantly, Jared recognized him. He would always recognize that voice. Always. His dreams were made of it, day and night. He had spent hours watching movies or interviews, getting lost in that voice and the wonderful man it belonged to. Countless moments of happiness, listening to beautiful songs, lyrics, melody, and most of all that voice giving them a soul. Jared swallowed hard as tears welled up in his eyes. Blinked, but it was too late, they were already hanging in his lashes. He didn't let go of the hand, not wanting to lose the connection, stammered something, asked something, Jensen, no Jack, answering his questions, and still, he was holding his hand. Part of him wanted to punch Jensen, for deserting him, another part wanted to hug the life out of him and never let go. Yet, Jared of course did neither. With regret, he gave the hand a tiny squeeze and let go, smiling at the man who used to be his best friend, understanding that it was neither the time nor the place for their reunion just yet. Jensen had changed his appearance, quite successfully. He looked like a hobo, so different from the perfectly styled model and Jared understood that there must be a reason for this masquerade. “It's good to meet you, Jack Hull,” Jared said, smiling so the tears wouldn't fall. “Welcome to Marble Falls.”

***

Jensen's heart was hammering rapidly against his chest, and his legs were very wobbly when he walked out of the school building. He took in deep breaths and released them, his hands were shaking slightly and when he had reached his SUV, he leaned against it, closing his eyes. Jared. He had recognized him. Of course, he had.

Tears came to his eyes, too. His best friend. Until now. One of the most important people in his life. Yet, Jensen had deserted him. For no particular reason. It had just happened. Life had happened. Busy days and busy nights, jetting around the world, days on set and in the studio. Giving interviews, walking the red carpet, showing himself at parties. One day had blurred into the next, changed into weeks, months and years and suddenly, it had been too late. He had never even managed to answer that last letter Mackenzie had given to him. He had read it, and had cherished it, had put it into the box with all the other postcards and letters Jared had written to him, but he had not acted on it. Had not dialed Jared's number. Had not tried to see him. He had only pressed Happy against his chest, once in a while, had buried his head in its fur, and had wished it would be Jared. He had worn his token of friendship, had touched it daily, pressed it against his heart, missing Jared so much. Summarized, he had simply been too busy for his friendship. What did that say about him? A hole in his gut grew because he knew. He was a horrible person. And now, their paths had crossed again.

A tear escaped. Another one. Jensen let them fall. With blurred eyes, he got into his SUV, letting go. He cried for much more than the lost years with Jared but also for what he would never have. Jared's love. He had long given up hope that someone would love him, really love him, Jensen Ackles, the man, not Jensen Ackles, superstar. Love him for his qualities and not for his fame and money.

It took him a while until he calmed down enough to start the engine, and then he didn't go back home. He drove his car around town aimlessly and eventually, he left the town borders, parked his SUV on the side of a random country road, and just walked.

He knew, eventually, he needed to get back. Josh would be worried if he didn't. He sent him a text, stripped out of his hoodie which was far too warm for the quickly rising temperatures, and kept on walking for almost a mile, his thoughts back to Jared. What a fine man he had become. How scrumptious, and most of all, how friendly, even more likable than Jared, the boy.

Eventually, Jensen sat down in the shade of a tree, his back leaned against the raw bark, his legs tucked against his chest, wondering what he should do now. Not talking to Jared was not even a possibility. He owed him that much. Himself, too. Yet, it was not a conversation he was looking forward to, scared of what might happen if he would just spill the beans. Teenager Jensen had trusted Jared with his life, and all his hopes and fears. Could adult Jensen, most of all, superstar Jensen, trust him, too?

***

“I'll wait for your dad with you, Sophie,” Jared announced after the last lesson. “I um, need to talk to him.”

She eyed him suspiciously. “Yeah?”

“Yeah.” He smiled. Now he knew she was Jensen's daughter, a lot made sense. Not only Jensen's wish for keeping his life private, but also that feeling of recognition when Jared had seen Sophie for the first time. Jared had watched her during lessons, and she had a lot of her dad. Jared wondered what had happened to her mom, and while he understood that Jensen wanted to protect her, he also wondered why Sophie was such a secret. She was a smart, beautiful girl Jensen could be proud of and nothing to be ashamed of. “Nothing to worry about, Sophie. I just want to make an appointment with him. I always talk to my new pupils' parents when they start in my class.”

Sophie bit her lips, unsure if she should correct Mr. P. He believed Jensen to be her dad, and part of her wished he was. At least, Jensen still could walk and had all his limbs and he had never been as strict as Dad. She loved her dad, but his mutilated body scared her and while she knew it was wrong, she was ashamed of him. Scared of the gossiping, teasing, and mocking that came with having a paraplegic dad with one arm short. Scared that he would scare new friends away, that she would be the freak, with the freaky creepy dad, and stay alone. Sophie decided that she wouldn't correct Mr. P, Uncle Jensen could do that, and waved, once she spotted his SUV.

Of course, Jared was waiting with Sophie, Jensen hadn't really expected anything less. He got out of the SUV, and walked to the school’s front door, meeting his niece halfway. Smiling, she looked far happier than in the morning, actually happier than she had for a while, and she flung her arms around Jensen as he went down on his knees to welcome her, hugging tightly. “Did you like school, Beany?” He sometimes called her that, because when she had been a small kid, she had loved beans, in white, red, and green, for a reason Jensen still didn't understand. “I loved it. I love Mr. P. He is the nicest and coolest teacher I've ever had.”

Jared came closer, watching father and daughter, feeling a pang of sadness. His Jensen was a dad. He wished he could have been with him, when he had found out about the pregnancy and when Sophie had been born, to smoke a cigar and drink to her health with Jensen. The knowledge that he had not only missed this but quite probably his wedding with a faceless unknown woman and so many other important things in Jensen's life made Jared very melancholic.

“Mr. P wants to talk to you,” Sophie announced.

“Yeah, I thought he would.” Of course, Jared wanted to talk to him. To Jensen, not to Jack Hull. He let go of Sophie, getting up and wiping the dirt away from the jeans. “How about you wait in the car, sweetheart? I won't be long.”

They both watched her hopping to the black SUV, only looking at each other once Sophie had opened the door and sat down on the back seat, yet not closing the door.

“Hey Jen,” Jared said. Affection oozed from his voice, joy and the wonder of having found Jensen so unexpectedly. The tears were back. He couldn't help it. “Gosh, I can't believe you're here.” He bit his lips. A million questions were lying on his tongue, but he understood that it was neither the right time nor place for any of them.

“Jay.” Jensen didn't know what to say. What could he possibly say after all this time? The tears in Jared's eyes were the worst. Realizing that Jared had been hurting because of him, had been, probably was, still disappointed, made Jensen feel unbelievably guilty. He had broken his promise and had let him go. Jared must think that he didn't matter, while in real, Jared mattered so much. Jensen would give all his money in the world, to have Jared back in his life. Just as his best friend. Anything else was just a dream he didn't dare to dream anyways.

They looked at each other, the air between them heavy. It wasn't exactly awkward, but full of expectation, of insecurities and pain. Of hope and confusion.

“Um, maybe you'd like to talk? Catch up?” Jared handed Jensen a slip of paper, with his landline and cell number, and his address.

Jensen opened it quickly, raising his brows in surprise. “We're living in the same street, Jay.”

“You moved into the haunted house?” Chance or fate, Jared wondered. It felt as if history repeated itself again.

“Yeah, though so far, no evil spirit visited us.” Jensen flashed him a smile. Despite his disguise, it was pure Jensen Ackles, not Jack Hull. It made Jared's heart tumble.

“Come visit me, Jen,” Jared prompted softly. “Otherwise, I'll haunt you.” He leaned closer, so close that Jensen could smell him, his aftershave and shampoo and a hint of sweat. “It's good to see you again, Jen.”

5

Jared decided to give Jensen time to collect himself, and in a way, he was grateful for the time Jensen gave him, too. Just like on the first day, he waited for Jensen to pick Sophie up every afternoon. If Sophie was surprised by it, she didn't comment on it. Nothing happened except pleasantries, Jensen calling Jared Mr. P, Jared calling him Mr. Hull. Days passed like that. Then, on Thursday night of the second week of school, Jared's doorbell was ringing.

His heart somersaulted when he opened the door, looking at Jensen. Not at Jack Hull, but at Jensen Ackles, in all his glory. Sure, he wore casual clothes, shades, and a baseball cap, but apart from that, he was Jensen. The horrible beard was gone, the hair was freshly cut and when Jensen took off the shades, Jared was staring into the most stunning emerald eyes imaginable. Freckles were scattered over Jensen's skin, especially around his nose. There were thin lines around his eyes which of course hadn't been there when Jensen was sixteen, and they looked like fine cracks in white porcelain, yet made him damn attractive. He really was the most handsome man in the world. “Jen.”

“Hi, Jay.” He handed him a bottle of expensive-looking red wine, his hands shaky, his pulse a tad higher than normal. Part of him was scared of what would happen. Would Jared push him away? Would they be strangers now instead of friends? Were they even still friends, after almost a decade of not talking? That's why Jensen had taken such a long time to go see Jared. He had simply needed time to calm down.

“Come on in.” Jared invited Jensen in not only with words but with a gesture, leading the way down the small hallway, through the living room, and to the patio. It was warm, far nicer outside than inside. “Give me five.” He got wine glasses, and glasses filled with ice-cold water. Cheese, bread, olives, dried tomatoes, and salami. Placed some of the homemade cookies on a plate for dessert. For a while, he even contemplated whether he should get Sven the Moose, but for the time being, he decided against it.

He carried the food outside and sat down next to Jensen. Their eyes met, and for a while, they were just looking at each other. Then, Jared reached out his hand. Almost tentatively, unsure if the gesture was okay, if they were on holding hands basis already. Although he never had done it with any of his boyfriends, it seemed right to do it with Jensen. But Jensen wasn't his boyfriend. He was something else, something more. Maybe something like a soulmate, if things like that existed. He had realized it, not only when they had shaken hands, but every day since, whenever Jensen had smiled at him and had called him Mr. P.

Jensen only hesitated one second, then he took the offered hand. Gentle fingers stroked over the bracelet, Jared's token of friendship and love. Jared's eyes filled. “I can't believe you're still wearing it, Jen. Whenever I saw you wearing it, it -” Jared bit his lips.

“What Jay?”

“It made me feel like I still mattered to you.” A tear escaped. He wasn't ashamed of his tears. If Jensen hadn't changed, he wouldn't mind, and if he had, he could leave now and never come back.

He hadn't changed. Not letting go of his hand, Jensen moved the chair closer to Jared's. A gentle finger wiped the tear away. “You still matter, Jay. Let me give you a hug, okay?”

Jared didn't object, of course, he didn't. With legs like jello, he got up, and was wrapped into Jensen's arms instantly. It felt like coming home. It was home. Home of the most beautiful soul on earth. In a body that had grown, had put on muscles, that smelled of a very expensive eau de cologne, that was clad in designer clothes Jared had to work a long time for, but it was still home. Jensen felt it, too. He had hugged countless people, so many strangers, so many men and women who claimed to be his friends, but none had hugged him as Jared did now. With all his being. It was as if not only their bodies melted into each other, but also as if their souls touched.

“Gosh, I missed you, Jen,” Jared blurted out. All his disappointment and anger had melted away. He was just glad of having Jensen back. He knew, sooner or later he would leave, but maybe, hopefully, they could stay in touch.

“Me too, Jay.” Jensen took in a deep breath of Jared, moving his thumb over his neck. “I know it's my fault. 'm a horrible friend.”

“Shut up, Jen. There are always two sides to the story. I also could have tried harder.” They were still hugging and it was more than nice being wrapped in Jensen's arms. It beat Christopher, Elijah, and Tristan. Desmond, Craig, and Simon. Zac, Bert, and Taylor. It beat all the men Jared had fucked, simply because love had never been involved and because no one was like Jensen.

“Your heart grew even bigger,” Jensen commented, not believing that it should be so easy. Was Jared really that forgiving? “Just like your body.” He finally released Jared from his tight embrace, yet let his hands strongly wrap around his shoulders. “You're freakishly tall, dude.” And unbelievably good-looking, Jensen thought. “How about you fill me in, tell me how a scrawny twelve-year-old kid could grow into this handsome man and an elementary school teacher?”

Jared flushed. “Okay, but only if you fill me in how a multi-millionaire superstar ends up in Marble Falls of all places.”

“Sounds like a fair deal, Jay.” Regretfully, Jensen let go and sat down on his chair again, while Jared opened the wine and filled both their glasses generously. With an inviting gesture of his hand, he told Jensen to tuck in, cutting off a piece of cheese and ripping some baguette off the long loaf. He took a thirsty gulp of his water, and started to tell his story. His late teenage years, college, his career choice. Applying for the job at Marble Falls Elementary last year and moving here.

“Are you living on your own, Jay? Or are you hiding a beautiful wife or girlfriend in your closet?”

It was now or never, Jared realized. Coming Out. Jensen should know it anyways. In case he was a homophobe, it was better to part ways sooner than later. “None of that, Jen.” He took in a deep breath. He was proud of who he was, yet coming out to one of his oldest friends was still a huge deal. “I'm gay, Jen.”

Jensen's heart tumbled when he heard that and even before he could think about it, his own coming out left his lips. “And so am I, Jay.”

For a few heartbeats, Jared and Jensen stared at each other, their respectable best friend's revelation sinking in. Jensen had been sixteen when Jared had moved to San Diego, and twenty when they had lost touch. “Why did you never tell me, Jen?” He wasn't mad, not even disappointed, just sad, that his best friend had not trusted him enough. Yet, he was also grateful that Jensen had faith in him now.

“You were so young, Jay. I didn't want to freak you out. Lose you because of something like that.” His hand curled around Jared's wrist. “I know what you're probably thinking, but it was not because I didn't have faith in you.”

Looking at the fingers that were curled around his wrist, Jared nodded. “No one knows, do they?”

“No, Jay. No one but Jason, Josh, Kenzie, and Mom. Not even Dad knows, he is just too traditional.”

“It's not a crime, Jen,” Jared said gently, wondering what it must be like, pretending to be into girls, dating women just for appearance's sake.

“I know it isn't, but for many, it is. 'm just scared of what it would do to my career if people knew. I worked so hard for it, had to give up so many things. I know it sounds as if I'm whining on a very high level, but um -”

And just like that, Jared understood. Jensen wasn't happy. Not really. He maybe was content, because he was set for life, and led a good life. He could surround himself with pricey and nice things, and most of all, he had a beautiful, healthy daughter, however she came into being, but his best friend wasn't happy. Jared saw the sadness in his friend's features, in his posture, and without saying anything at all, he placed his hand on Jensen's chest and brought their foreheads together. It was unbelievably intimate, exceeded everything Jared had ever shared with any of his partners and after having not seen each other for over a decade, it felt even more so. But it was so right. It did something to both of them, made them smile and cry at the same time, and something inside Jensen broke. He didn't cry, but he closed his eyes, brought his hand against Jared's own chest, and relished the moment, feeling free and one hundred percent himself again.

“Thanks for that leap of faith, Jen,” Jared whispered, brushing his thumb over Jensen's very firm chest. “Your secret is of course safe with me.”

In the next hour, while they were sipping on the delicious wine, eating cheese and salami, Jensen shared his life. He told Jared all his secrets, where he was living and how he was spending his rare free time and what he was planning for the future,

“How does Sophie fit into all of it?” Jared asked curiously, after Jensen had finished his tale. Jensen hadn't mentioned a relationship, past or present. “What happened to her mom or her other dad?”

Jensen couldn't help but chuckle. “You thought she was mine?” He shook his head, smiling broadly. “Nah, she's Josh's.” Then his face fell, and quickly he summarized what had happened to his brother and his wife.

“I don't know what to say, Jen,” Jared stated, feeling a little uncomfortable in his skin. What a horrible accident, what a horrible tragedy, for the whole family.

“Nothing you need to say, Jay,” Jensen said. “It's hard, for all of us, but of course, most of all, for Josh. He and Sophie were very close, but now, she is scared of him. Of the stump and scars, and the body he can't move.” Jensen wiped his eyes before he started crying. “That's why I helped. Josh had been very supportive all through my career. Does my legal stuff, all the contracts, and anything else I need a legal guide for. What I do now is nothing compared to how he helped me.”

Silence settled between the men, and Jared took another sip of his red wine. It was almost empty and the sun was meanwhile deep in the west, the long dark fingers of night slowly chasing her rays away. From the corner of his eyes, Jared was looking at his old friend and he couldn't help wondering why Jensen had stopped writing or calling. It was obvious that he was still fond of Jared. “Can I ask you something, Jen?”

“You already did.” He grinned broadly. “But sure, fire away.”

“Why did you stop calling? Why did you never answer that last letter I gave Kenzie?”

Jensen's smile first froze, then fell, chased away by sadness and shame. He couldn't tell Jared the real reason, could he? But everything else was really a lame excuse. But how could he tell Jared that he had fallen for him? The fact that Jared was gay himself didn't matter, not really, simply because he could never act on it, could he? “Sorry, Jay, I can't tell you.” He didn't dare to look at Jared, wondering if it was the end of their friendship now, the real end.

It cut like a knife and the doubts from then were back. “Had it something to do with me, Jen?” Jared asked, unable to hide the hurt in his voice. “I wasn't good enough to be your friend?”

Jensen flinched. He had never believed that Jared would be thinking something like that and he looked at Jared, saw the pain in his face and posture, and decided to once more put his faith in him. “Never think that, Jay. You were everything, and that was the problem.” It was out, and nothing happened. The crickets were still chirring, the wind was still whistling softly through the leaves, and in the distance, an owl hooted.

Everything. Jared had understood Jensen just fine, and he also understood what the word meant, yet it was hard to comprehend. “You fell for me?” Even now, as he asked this, it was a ridiculous thought. He had been a kid, smart, yeah, but quite probably also a little obnoxious and exhausting.

“How could I not, Jay?” Finally, Jensen was looking at him again, at the warm hazel eyes, that were bigger than usual, the long lean torso, the huge hands, the long, very elegant fingers. “I knew it was wrong, you were my best friend after all and you are not supposed to perv on your best friend, but how could I not love you, Jay? Your smile and your kindness. Your laughter and humor, your support and encouragement.” It had been Jared who had encouraged Jensen to try publishing the songs he had started to write on Josh's old guitar, it had been Jared who had heartened him to pursue his career in acting. It had been Jared who had told him to ignore the mockery at school and who had listened for hours to him on the phone, saying exactly the right things to help Jensen chase the sadness and darkness away.

“You were scared I might find out?” Jared scoffed. Wasn't it weird that both of them had given up seeking the other one because of the same reason? A reason so beautiful, yet also destructive if handled not with care.

“I was scared you'd push me away. Call me a freak and a pervert. I never-” Jensen shrugged. “The age gap never bothered me, but you were twelve and I was sixteen. My feelings were almost unforgivable, pedophile.”

“You're no pedophile, Jen,” Jared said gently, shaking his head. “You could have told me later. When I was fourteen or fifteen.”

“I was too far gone then, Jay. Too deep in the closet already. Started dating girls, just to be seen with them. It's what Barry, my agent at that time, wanted me to do. Not that he knew, but he probably guessed, because of how awkward I first was around girls. And I still didn't want to freak you. Besides, back then, our weekly calls had turned sporadic, and it just didn't seem the right time to confide in you.”

That, Jared, understood. “That's also why I never told you. I admitted it to myself when I was sixteen, because I had feelings for someone very close to my heart. Someone with bowed legs and freckles scattered over his skin, with a beautiful smooth voice. Someone on the verge of a great big career.” Jensen's heart skipped a beat, and another, before it resumed its job, beating very excitedly. “Yet, how could I have told you, Jen? You had started parading your arm candy and I felt like a freak and we hadn't seen each other face to face for four years and -” He bit his lips. “I was scared of losing you.”

“Just like I was,” Jensen admitted.

“Where does that leave us now, Jen? Two scared teenage boys? Or two adults who finally acknowledge their feelings for each other? On my side, nothing has changed.”

Nothing had changed on Jensen's side, too, yet everything had changed. He couldn't be who he wanted to be. He had to stay the scared teenage boy. Jared's face fell when he realized the painful truth painted in Jensen's face. Yet, he at least was brave enough to tell Jared. “'m sorry, Jay. I can't. I can only give you friendship.”

It felt like a punch and the pain that vibrated through Jared numbed him, choked him, and once more brought tears to his eyes.

“It's not you, Jared. It's me.” Jensen emptied the remains of his wine in one deep gulp. “I really am sorry, Jay.”

Swallowing hard, Jared looked at Jensen as if he had just slit his puppy's throat. It seemed so unfair that this was happening to him, no, to them. Jensen deserved happiness, and from the way he had looked at Jared and had touched him it was clear that Jared could be the one who would give him that. Yet, having Jensen back in his life as a friend, as someone to hang out with, once in a while, or maybe go on a camping trip, to visit in his cabin in Colorado was better than nothing at all. “Friends then.” He got up, just the moment Jensen did. Both knew it was time to call it a day. “Can I give you a hug, Jen?”

“You don't have to ask that, Jay. Friends hug all the time.” Warm arms enveloped him, tugged him against a broad, muscled chest, Jared's face nuzzled into his neck, his breath ghosting over his skin. It was even more intimate than the forehead touch and a very big part of Jensen regretted his choice. He knew, in these arms, he would be safe and happy for the rest of his life. But he just couldn't do that. Not to his sweet Jared. It would be as if throwing him under the bus. The media would rip him apart, turn his life upside down if they found out about him and they would, because Jared was that amazing and if he was with him, Jensen wouldn't be able to hide it.

“Promise to drop by again, Jen.”

“Always.”

6

Jensen kept his promise. He dropped by once a week at last, mostly on Friday afternoons, often on Sunday, too. They would sit together, nurse beer or wine, have something to eat, Jared feeding Jensen with his cookies, laughing when he whined that he definitely would get chubby if he kept on doing this, yet not gaining even one pound, because he was working out so much.

Weeks passed. Their friendship grew, just like their love for each other. Forbidden, but there. Undeniably in the way Jared was looking at Jensen, in the way Jensen was worshiping Jared. Whenever they touched, bolts of lightning shot through them, the attraction between them palpable. 

Josh had noticed it the moment he had seen his brother with his best friend. Jared had leaned down to give him a hug and to express his sympathy before he had joined Jensen at the round wooden patio table, sharing not only a beer, but some more tales from the past, their shoulders bumping, their feet touching, just like their fingers. 

Once Jared had left, Josh had asked Jensen to stay. “You know, Jens, I know it's not easy for you, with the life you're living. And you'll probably tell me to fuck off. But I'm your big brother and I've seen far too much in my life than not to ignore this. Once in a while, you'll meet someone, and they are your universe. For me, the universe was Helen. For you, it's Jared. Don't you push him away for the sake of your career, Jens. Don't you even push him away because you think you're noble or doing Jared a favor. Because you think you're not relationship material or a lone wolf. He's good for you. He's right for you. He's made for you, just like the other way round.”

With tears stinging his eyes, Jensen fled. He changed into his running gear, and he ran, miles and miles, followed the river, further than ever before. Black spots were dancing in front of his eyes when he finally stopped, his lycra shirt wet with sweat, his heart pumping heavily, his throat dry. 

Jensen took off his shoes, waded into the river. The water was cold. Winter was slowly approaching, and while it was never really ice cold here, you still could smell the change of season in the air, could feel it in the night, or in the water of a river.

Night fell quickly, and soon, it was pitch dark and Jensen felt panic rise inside. Real fear, a horrible foreboding. No one knew, no one would guess, because, with his jobs, everyone expected him to be a night owl. Yet, he didn't like the night. Was scared of what hid in the shadows, creatures and men alike. Many years ago, when he had been a kid and had been on location for a catalog model shooting, the crew had forgotten Jensen. There had been four girls and three boys who had done shots for outdoor clothes at a state park, and Jensen, barely ten years old, had gone to the bathroom without telling the staff. When he came back, they were all gone. It had been dark, and there had been creepy noises everywhere, and Jensen had been so scared. Now, he felt as if he was back in that state park. The gurgling to his right hand suddenly didn't sound happy but threatening, and the wind that blew through the leaves howled like a ghost, the gnarled branches of the trees looking eerily.

His hands were shaking when he got out his cell and dialed Jared's number. “Jay? Can you come get me?”

Jared could hear the panic in Jensen's voice. “What's wrong, Jen?” The concern and the warmth that dripped from Jared's voice was like balm on Jensen's soul, calming him down just a tad.

Jensen released a shaky breath. “I went running. Down the river, far further than I normally do. I sort of lost my way, Jay.”

“I'll be with you asap. Tell me where you are.” He knew the area better than Jensen and had a vague idea where Jensen might be. “Wait for me there, okay? Don't move”

“Please hurry.” Jensen sounded close to tears, and it scared Jared.

“Promise, Jen. I'll call again once I'm in the car.” He didn't know what was wrong, but it sounded as if Jensen was close to a panic attack and needed someone to guide him through. He quickly stripped into his own running shoes, grabbed two bottles of water from the fridge and a hoodie and blanket to wrap Jensen in from his bedroom, before he jumped into the car. “I'm in the car now,” Jared announced once he had started the engine and had dialed Jensen's number again.

Jensen was breathing shallowly.

“Jen, talk to me. Tell me something. Anything.”

And Jensen did what he did often when he was scared. He started singing. His voice was less strong than when he was standing on stage, a little shaky, almost insecure, and the song Jensen was singing must have been an unreleased song of his because both melody and lyrics were unknown to Jared. It tightened his chest and brought tears to his eyes as he heard Jensen sing. The song was about two boys, growing up as friends, growing into lovers. It was their song. It was unbelievably beautiful, yet also unbelievably sad, and when Jensen's voice faded away after four minutes, Jared's face was wet and his eyes were so blurred that he had to wipe them unless he wanted his car to kiss a tree. The song did have an open end, yet it gave Jared hope.

“I wrote it the other day, Jay,” Jensen breathed out. He had his eyes closed, so he didn't have to see the darkness closing him in as he was sitting in the cool grass on the bank of the river.

“It's beautiful, Jen. Beautifully sad. Yet hopeful.”

Jensen didn't know about that. For a very long time, his hope had been only a weak glimmer in an otherwise dark tunnel.

“There is always hope, Jen.” Jared moistened his lips. “Always.”

Jensen didn't believe him. How could he have a happy ending? Get acceptance? Could have the best of both worlds? Love and success, without risking the other? 

“Remember Jen? I don't lie.” Although Jensen couldn't see it, Jared smiled. “Now let me get you.” Driving a little quicker than the condition of the narrow back road allowed, yet still being very alert in the dark of the night, Jared made a good pace, listening to more of Jensen's songs, promising him that he would be there soon, whenever Jensen's voice faded away.

And finally, he was. He spotted the small parking spot at the side by the road, barely big enough for three cars, grabbed a flashlight, the blanket, and hoodie, and finally found the small trail leading through the forest and down to the river, the cone of the flashlight bobbing up and down, grazing over grass, stones, and dead branches. “I'll be with you shortly, Jen. Would you please call? Not into the phone, but into the night? So I know if I have to go left or right?” He had left the forest, was staring at the river, a silver band glistening in the soft moonlight. Then he heard it, a weak hello, coming from the right side. “I heard you, Jen. Put on the flashlight on your phone.'' He fell into a trot until he finally saw a weak artificial light in the distance.

Jensen heard him. Feet running over sticks, stones, and grass, the cone of a flashlight jumping up and down, and then, Jared was there. Wrapped him into his arms. Held him real tight. Made him feel safe instantly. “Shh,” Jared could feel the hot tears against his collarbones. What was wrong with his friend? “I'm here now, Jen. Everything's okay.” He rubbed his hands up and down Jensen's back, round and round in consoling circles, also trying to rub some warmth into his skin. Jensen was an icicle, Jared could feel it. “Get into this.” Jared helped Jensen into the hoodie, then wrapped the blanket around him before he finally gave him one of the bottles of water. Jensen emptied it in many thirsty gulps before he fell against Jared, who closed his arms around him again instantly. “Try to calm down, Jen.” Jensen was shivering badly now. “Did someone hurt you?” Maybe he had been mugged? Or even worse, molested or raped?

“No,” Jensen pressed out between his jittering teeth. “Just scared.”

He held him even tighter. “What are you scared of, Jen?”

“The dark, for starters.” Jensen was scared of many other things. Of falling even deeper for Jared, yet at the same time, of staying alone. Of losing the little hope he had, his family, his friendship with Jared. Of what would happen when the public found out about him being gay, yet also of what would happen to him if he kept on pretending and lost the rest of his soul.

“Oh, Jen.” Gently, Jared let his hand run through Jensen's short, spiked hair, something he had wanted to do since forever. “Nothing to be afraid of. I'm with you and the night is beautiful. Just look up at the sky.” He turned Jensen in his arms, hugged him from behind, which was the best feeling in the world, holding Jensen like that. He fit so well into his arms, into his body, like he belonged there. “Look, Jen.”

Slowly, Jensen opened his eyes. He knew he was safe. Jared held him really tight, cradled him softly in his strong arms, gave him warmth and strength. 

The view was amazing. Countless bright sparkling stars on a dark, inky canopy. The moon almost full, its light not threatening, but otherworldly, soft. A hoot of a nocturnal bird, another answering it. The wind suddenly kissed his cheeks again and the river once more gurgled its happy, endless song. And Jared was still wrapped around him, his head now close to his own, their cheeks touching. He could feel the two-day-old stubble scratching over his own, smell the minty chewing gum Jared always had, because he hated having bad breath. “It's amazing, Jay.”

“Now come,” Jared said after a few minutes of togetherness, “let's get you home and warm.”

He guided Jensen back to his car, put the heat on full force, and when they finally reached Marble Falls, he didn't stop at the haunted house, but brought Jensen to his own home. He ran him a bath and helped him strip off the clothes. It was the first time ever he laid eyes on the whole beauty that was Jensen Ackles. Freckles everywhere, hip bones defined, just like his abs, not one ounce of fat on it. The cock was proud, the balls round, his butts deliciously juicy.

Jensen felt Jared's eyes on him, but it wasn't uncomfortable. It was Jared, who had just saved him from the night, who had brought him to a safe place, against his own warm chest. Jared, who was home. Who was his universe. “Why are you looking at me like that, Jay?”

“Because you are stunningly beautiful, Jen. And overwhelmingly nice to look at.”

Heat crept into his cheeks. He had heard them before, countless compliments about his looks. They made him feel awkward. Not Jared's. Jared made him all warm and tingly inside, and a ghost of a smile flitted over his lips. Not daring to look at Jared, Jensen stepped into the tub, the water so hot that it almost burnt his still too cool skin. Yet, it soaked his skin, his flesh, and his bones, and slowly chased the cold inside away.

Jared left. He called Josh, told him what had happened and that Jensen would stay with him that night. Got a warm, soft flannel pajamas, fresh towels, and a fresh toothbrush for him and placed the items on the floor in front of the bathroom, because he didn't want to disturb Jensen. Made them a cup of tea and lit the fire in his bedroom. It had been the other reason why Jared had bought this house; the real fireplace, which was a source of light, warmth, and hope. Then, Jared made himself comfortable in his bed.

When tiredness took the upper hand, Jensen stepped out of the tub and over to the door, where he found the towels Jared had put there for him earlier. Nightwear, too. He quickly got himself dry, brushed his teeth, and slipped into the pajamas. Then, Jensen followed the noises and sure enough found Jared propped up in his bed, watching TV.

“Hey,” Jensen announced himself, unsure if it was okay to come in. Jared probably wouldn't want him to, would want him to stay in the guest room. They were just friends, after all, because Jensen had insisted on it.

“Hey.” Jared flashed him a beautiful smile, dimples on full force. “Come on in and close the door behind you, Jen.” He lifted the covers invitingly. “Climb in, don't be shy. Nothing else but the sleepover of two young boys.” Yet, both knew it was far more than that. Then, they had been young, not knowing anything about desire, at least not Jared. Now, they were adults, aware of their sexuality, of their needs. The attraction between them was strong. “I'll respect your wish, Jen. Always.”

The fact that Jared wanted to be with Jensen, despite everything, made Jensen feel worth a million. As he joined Jared in bed, Jensen saw him. “Sven!” The stuffed moose looked as if someone had almost cuddled it to death. Sven had been very loved, that much was clear. “I can't believe you still have him.”

“Of course I still have him.” Jared took Sven, moved his fingers through the soft fur. “He was a token of love from my best friend. A part of you. So he became a part of me. One of my best friends.” He kissed its nose before he pressed Sven against Jensen's chest, who buried his head into the moose instantly. Gosh, he was twenty-nine years old, yet getting wet eyes because he was reunited with a childhood cuddly toy. Sven smelled of Jared. “What did all your boyfriends say about him?”

“I hid him in the closet and um, if there wasn't time, I threw him under the bed. I was afraid they might think I was nuts.”

“You're not. Just very sweet and very loyal, Jay.” Jensen made himself comfortable on the mattress, still holding Sven in his arms. There was an additional blanket Jared wrapped him in, and a steaming mug of tea he pressed into his hand. For a while, they didn't talk. Just shared a very companionable silence while they were sipping on their tea, some herbal infusion that tasted surprisingly well and warmed Jensen from the inside.

When their cups were empty, Jared turned off the TV, walked to the bathroom, where he brushed his teeth and changed into his own nightwear. Then he was back. Switched off the light, the happily crackling fire bright enough to find his way. Slipped underneath the covers again and scooted real close. Curled his arm around Jensen. “You safe and warm, Jen? You okay?”

Jensen was better than okay. Lying here with Jared was simply heavenly. “I'm good, Jay,” Jensen answered, bringing his own arm around Jared. It felt good. Right. He was his universe after all. His everything. “Thanks, for saving me.”

Jared's hand moved up, caressing the soft skin on his throat. “Anytime.” He didn't push Jensen. If he was ready, he would tell him what had happened. “Always.”

Deeply moved, Jensen breathed in and out. More moments of silence passed. “I'm afraid of the night, Jare,” Jensen admitted eventually. “I don't mind the darkness per se, not when I'm in a house for example, not even when I'm outside and people surround me, but when I'm on my own, like tonight, with no one to be seen or heard, it frightens me. It tightens my chest and makes panic bubble inside.” Jensen bit his lips. “When you are famous, Jay, people think you're invincible. They think you must be happy. Nice houses, cars, clothes, and jewelry. Vacations. Parties. Private jets or yachts. More money than you can ever spend. Thing is, success like that,” Jensen sniffed. “It makes you lonely, Jay. Very vulnerable. Someone always hates you, criticizes you. No matter what you do. I could donate a million dollars, and someone would ask why it wasn't two. People forget that you're a human being, with fears, worries, and faults. Dreams and wishes. They want you to be perfect, but when you aren't, they turn their back. When I came to LA, I met a guy. Nick. He seemed cool, we bonded quickly, fooled around. Problem was, Nick was a jerk. A real big one. He dropped me like a hot potato, and then he blackmailed me. I paid him, month after month after month to protect myself. It only stopped when he died. A bus hit him. Sometimes, Karma is a bitch,” Jensen commented dryly. Nick and he had mutual friends and Jensen had been shocked, yet not sad when he had heard about the accident. “Ever since, I've been very careful, Jared. I'm almost living like a hermit. Scared that someone only wants me because of my money or my fame. That he wants to hurt me.”

“I understand, Jen.” Jared really did. “Yet, I'm not Nick. I'm Jared. Your friend. I'd never hurt you.”

“I know that, Jay. You give me hope.”

Jensen's words tugged at his heartstrings and he combed his fingers through Jensen's still moist hair again, feeling Jensen's own caresses on his side and back. Very soft and gentle. “Sleep safe, Jen.”

Jensen did. Dreamless, without waking up, he slept for ten hours, and when he finally opened his eyes, Jared was sitting on the side of his bed, holding his hand. As if it was the most natural gesture in the world, holding your best friend's hand. It gave him even more hope that maybe, one day, he really would be free.

7

Once more, weeks turned into months. Josh slowly learned to cope, the court adjudged him with a generous compensation and after Christmas, Jensen returned to his apartment in LA. Sophie was better, too. Hugged her dad again, enjoyed studying again, and had learned that there was no reason to be ashamed of her dad. Life was going on, one day blurring into the next, pretty much routine. 

Yet, some things had changed. For once, new photos adorned both Jensen's cabin and apartment. Of him and Jared. Smiling and laughing, looking at each other as if they would get each other to the moon and the stars. They talked, not daily, but twice a week, sent texts to and fro and their bond was indestructible. Jensen also started to share some private moments with his fans. Not many, but after conferring with Josh, Jensen told his brother's story. And finally, he also told the story behind the bracelet, in an interview with EW, while stroking over the band very gently. It wasn't perfect, but it was better, and the seed of hope Jared had sown had slowly started to sprout.

Jared on the other hand had stopped fucking himself through half the US, as his sister Megan had called it. Ever since Jensen was back in his life, he hadn't dated. He had split up with Christopher the day after that very platonic but blissful night with Jensen, and ever since he had been living like a hermit. It was his sacrifice. His way to tell Jensen that he was waiting. That it was Jensen or no one else. All or nothing. Funny thing was, he didn't miss it. Because what Jensen gave him was worth so much more.

It was Jensen's birthday, and like every year, Jensen surrounded himself with the people closest to his heart. There were his parents, siblings, and niece, his trustworthy friends Jason and Steve, and this year, there was Jared, too, sitting on a designer couch in a penthouse apartment with the most amazing view of LA imaginable. The room wasn't snobbish, simply exclusive, yet it made Jared feel a little self-conscious being surrounded by things that often were worth more than his monthly paycheck. He wondered what it must be like for Jensen's other friends and his family, if it ever caused a problem. Of course, Jared had always known that Jensen was worth millions, yet so far, it hadn't mattered, simply because Jensen had been pretty normal while staying with his brother. He had never displayed the famous guy, not really. Here, it seemed a little different. Everything screamed money, and the food and beverages were plentiful and exquisite. The present Jared had brought Jensen – three photos of themselves from last Thanksgiving in a simple wooden frame, and a voucher for a weekend camping trip – seemed too cheap and he didn't feel good enough for Jensen anymore. Not even as a friend.

“You don't really look like you're enjoying yourself, Jay,” Jensen stated, yet without any accusation in his tone, sitting down next to Jared, holding the gift Jared had given to him earlier in his hand.

“Gosh no,” Jared stuttered. “It's just all of this,” he pointed at random spots in the room, “makes me feel a little simple. Makes me wonder if I'm good enough for you.” The last few words were only whispered and they stabbed Jensen's heart. He had never really thought about what his friends and family thought about all his wealth and how it made them feel.

Curling his free hand around Jared's wrist, Jensen got up and tugged him with him outside onto the deck. That far up, the traffic was only a soft hum and even the air didn't seem that bad. Flowers and small trees grew in pots, a few sun loungers were huddled around a table, and an awning protected everything from the hot sun, which had long gone to sleep that night. There even was a swimming pool and a hot tub. 

Gently, Jensen pressed Jared into one of the sun loungers, sitting down very close next to him, so close that their thighs touched and that he could place the gift box over both their laps. “You're a very respectable man, Jay, with a very respectable job,” Jensen started, and after a second of hesitation, took Jared's hand, playing gently with his fine, long fingers. “Sophie loves you. Not only as a teacher, but also as a human. She looks up to you; a lot of her classmates do. You're a role model for them.” Jensen paused, biting his lips, unsure whether he should admit it or not, but Jared who normally was so confident had his eyes still fixed at the expensive tiles on the ground, kneading his free hand. “I love you, Jay.” His fingers twined with Jared's, holding on very strongly now. “You were a wonderful boy and you grew into such a fine, impressive man. And I'm not only talking about your very good looks here, Jay. 'm talking about your heart. How forgiving you were. How open-minded when you saw Josh, how you treated him normal, simply ignoring the stump and the wheelchair. How accepting, kind, friendly, helpful, and humorous. You just came to my aid  that night by the river, without even batting an eyelash. Of course, you're good enough for me.” Lifting his free hand, Jensen brought it up to touch Jared's face, a gentle gesture to make sure that Jared was finally looking at him. “In fact, you're far too good for me, Jared Tristan Padalecki.” Their faces were very close now. Had Jensen's life turned out any differently, he would have kissed him now. But if his life had turned out differently, he would not be sitting in this costly penthouse apartment, having this talk with his best friend. “I love you, Jay,” he said again, smiling sadly, brushing his lips over Jared's in a barely-there kiss that yet caused the butterflies in both their bellies dancing excitedly before he put his forehead against Jared's. “Never think that you're not good enough for me.”

For a while, Jared and Jensen shared that intimate moment, not even noticing that everyone watched them through the living room window, that Alan commented on the too intimate gesture dryly, that Donna mumbled something that it was okay between two boys who had always been close, even as kids, that it didn't mean a thing, except that they were special for the other. Eventually, Jensen drew back, just a little. “Now, let me open that wonderful present of yours.”

Reverently, Jensen loosened the white ribbon and lifted the orange-red colored gift box. Took away the layer of very thin paper in the same colors, until he found a long photo frame, with three photos of Jared and him on Thanksgiving. Josh had taken the photos with Jared's camera and gosh, they were as beautiful as Jared and Jensen were together. Their body language, the way they were turning to each other and were looking at each other spoke volumes about their feelings. It was undeniable how attracted they were to each other. Like irons drawn to magnets. Even Donna wouldn't be able to trivialize it. Not that love was a crime, anyways, but Alan would be less than pleased to find out about his son's sexuality. “It's beautiful, Jay. I'll hang it in my bedroom.” So that you're with me, every time I close my eyes and wake up again, he thought, yet didn't say it. Then, he carefully ripped the envelope open. It was nothing but a white cardboard, a self-painted picture of a mountain range, a forest and a tent, a moose and squirrel on each side, and two male figures, who really looked remarkably like Jared and Jensen, sitting in front of said tent, a happily burning fire, a guitar in Jensen's lap. It was a work of art, detailed and it took Jensen's breath away because he hadn't known that Jared was such a good artist. He already knew what the gift was before he turned the card, yet smiled when he read Jared's invitation.

“I'll make sure that you won't need to be afraid of the night, Jen,” Jared promised, bringing his arm around Jensen and stroking his side absentmindedly.

Quite gently, Jensen put the voucher back where it came from, just like the photo frame before he closed the box. Only then did he take Jared into his arms, once again not minding that his guests threw curious looks at the two men. “Thank you, Jay.”

***

The penthouse had four bedrooms and with a matter of course, Jensen once more wrapped his hands around Jared's wrist and tugged him into the master bedroom when it was time to call it a day. Thankfully, his parents had long disappeared into their own bedroom, and no one saw it apart from his brother, who smiled sadly, knowing how much Jensen loved Jared, yet also knowing that nothing would happen apart from a bit of cuddling between two very close friends.

And nothing did happen apart from gentle caresses. For starters, both wore clothes; tees covering their torsos, shorts covering their crotches. Besides, both were terribly tired, almost sleepwalking and stumbling into that big, comfortable bed. And last but not least, they respected each other so much. Jensen had been crystal clear that there could never be something more than friendship, and Jared acted on it because he would never risk this wonderful bond with something as mundane as sex. It was not worth it. The love Jensen showered him with? Breathtaking and heartwarming, far better than everything he had with all his fuck buddies. So Jared did nothing but scoot close to his friend, wishing him once more a happy birthday, before curling his arm around him and spooning Jensen from behind.

“For the record, Jen,” Jared mumbled, almost asleep, “I love you, too.”

***

Jensen was a very busy man, and Jared wasn't exactly idle, either, so it took them until late May to find a weekend where both of them were free. They decided to explore one of the less touristy spots of Yosemite, and since most tourists came later in the year, it wasn't too busy anyways. Jensen had turned into Jack Hull again, had grown his hair a little longer and quite a scruffy beard, and with his outdoor clothes, sunglasses, and cap shading half his face, people didn't spare him and his tall companion a second glance. They hiked a few hours until they had reached their campsite; it was simple, with no luxuries, a privy that smelled less than fresh and showers that only had ice-cold water, but it was only for two nights and the whole trip had never been about luxury, anyways, just about being together.

“Sorry I didn't bring my guitar,” Jensen said as he helped Jared put up the tent, remembering the picture Jared had painted. Of course, Jensen had kept it, had put it in the box with Jared's letters he sometimes would read when he had a few spare moments.

Jared laughed, looking at the impressive mountains that were surrounding them, pointing at the narrow trail they had hiked to get as far as to the camping ground. “Regarding the fact that we just hiked for almost six hours and had to carry our food and stuff, not bringing your guitar is excusable. Now come, so we can finally throw the meat onto the grill before I'm starving.”

Once the tent was secured, Jared busied himself with lighting the fire, while Jensen made sure they would sleep as comfortably as possible. Then it was time for their steaks and sausages, potatoes and two small salads and of course, homemade cookies for dessert. When darkness slowly took the upper hand, Jared scooted a little closer, bringing a blanket over both their bodies and tugging Jensen against his side. “You scared, Jen?” He kissed his head.

There were noises everywhere, of nocturnal animals, the small stream nearby they hoped to catch fish in tomorrow, and the soft rustle of the leaves. But there was a happily crackling fire, too, not only theirs, but of the other couple who had made camp here, and Jared held him so tight that there was no reason to be afraid. Maybe there was a hint of fear in him, looming at the edge of his mind but as long as Jared was with him, it wouldn't take the upper hand. “Not really, Jay, you're with me.”

Jared brought his other arm around Jensen, too, and held him even tighter. “I wish we could be more,” he whispered into Jensen's ear.

“Yeah, me too,” Jensen admitted. He could tell Jared stuff like that, could be vulnerable around his friend because he had faith in him and knew he would never deride him. “I sometimes dream about it, being with you, Jay.”

“Then why don't you make this dream come true, Jen?” Jared pressed his lips against Jensen's forehead. “We are so good for each other. And um, I don't mind sharing you with the world, you know? I'm not scared of the hype. Don't have any skeletons in my closet. Am not ashamed of anything, least of all of who I am and who I love.”

Sighing, Jensen buried his head into Jared's shoulder. He loved that closeness. It was good and right. It chased so many of his doubts away, lessened his fears, and gave him hope.

“What are you afraid of, Jen? I'm not Nick.”

“That I'm not good enough for you, not pure enough. I did things, Jay.” Jensen's voice shifted into a barely-there breath. “Drugs. Booze. Sexual favors.”

Jared wasn't surprised. Of course, Jensen had done drugs and had drunk more alcohol than necessary. It probably just came with the countless parties and with the lifestyle of being a superstar. He wouldn't judge Jensen, not even for the sexual favors part. It was not his place. “I wasn't exactly a choirboy either, Jensen. You know that,” Jared reminded Jensen. Months ago, he had told him about all his boyfriends.

“It's not the same, Jared.”

“Course it is.” He brought his right hand against Jensen's cheek, stroking his fingers over the shaggy beard that was really very soft, then moved his index in a hardly perceptible caress over the agglomeration of freckles and the thin lines that stretched like rays of the sun from Jensen's spectacular eyes. “I love those wrinkles,” Jared blew a barely-there kiss over them, “and your freckles. I love you, Jen. I want to be with you, more than what we are now. But I will always respect you, love. So I'll wait, patiently, hoping that one day soon, you'll shake off all those fears and doubts and just be.”

They held each other until Jensen's head sank against Jared's shoulder tiredly and his tight hold slackened a little. For a while, Jared let him nap, then he nudged him awake as gently as possible and steered him into the tent. Helped him out of his jeans and sweaty tee and into the clothes he had brought to sleep in. Unzipped the warm sleeping bag and watched Jensen crawl in, made sure that he was all warm and safe. Joined him, curled his arm around Jensen, and then brought his own sleeping bag over them both. “I'll always wait for you, Jen. You're worth waiting for a whole lifetime.”

***

Jensen woke up at the crack of dawn, the birds twittering happily as if they were starring in a singing contest, Jared still sleeping peacefully. They had practically melted into each other, and he could feel all of Jared pressed into his own body. It wasn't awkward, far from it. It was very promising and Jensen felt the blood boiling inside him and rushing south. He was a man, after all, starving for love, in all senses of the word. Looking at Jared sleeping in his arms, suddenly the thought of being with him didn't seem that alien anymore. What Jared had said and done yesterday had been the ultimate proof of love; holding himself back, for the sake of Jensen. What was he really afraid of? What he had said yesterday was the truth, but there was more. Jensen was simply afraid to screw up, royally. That his job would stand between them, his fame and popularity, the truckloads of money in his bank account. And most of all, that his insecurities and his inexperience would be a problem; with men in general, with relationships, but most of all, with love. Sure, Jared had told him that he had never been in love with any of his fuck buddy boyfriends either, and Jensen had finally admitted the sexual favors he had done. Blow and hand jobs, years ago, in his early days, to give his career a nudge in the right direction. He had felt dirty then, and nowadays, it caused quite a turmoil of emotions inside him, thinking about it.

Stirring, Jared sighed happily, scrunching his lips, slowly opening his sleep-crusted eyes. Smiled as he noticed how Jensen was looking at him. He brought his arm around Jensen, tugging himself very close against Jensen's body. Felt how Jensen returned the vertical hug. “Morning, Jen,” Jared mumbled, still quite tired. “That's really nice, waking up with you.”

Jensen agreed with a soft sigh. “Let's stay like that for a while, Jay.”

They stayed like that for almost an hour, eyes-half closed, lost in their thoughts, lazily stroking the other's skin, combing their fingers through hair or beards, and smiling at each other knowingly. The weak seedling inside Jensen grew. Maybe, he should just blow it all in the wind. For himself, just as much as for the man in his arms.

8

After weighing the pros and cons, and most of all, listening to his heart, Jensen had made his decision. He would come out. And, if Jared still wanted him, with all his load, he would be his. They were worth it. Jensen had already told his agent, who had almost died of a heart attack, yet then had promised to fully support him. That had been four weeks ago. Then, Jensen had booked a studio and had recorded an album. Different than usual. Just himself and a guitar. Once in a while a piano or an orchestra. Nine songs were written for the only person in the world that counted. Serenading him. His smile and his dimples. His kindness and his generosity. Telling about what had been and what would hopefully happen, if God or whoever was responsible for their happiness smiled down upon them. And now, Jensen was ready.

How about you stay with me for the remaining summer? Jensen had texted. He hadn't dared to call, a little scared that Jared might say no, that he had other plans, with a secret boyfriend he had not wanted to tell Jensen about.

Looking up from the book he was reading, wearing nothing but swimming trunks, Jared took his cell and looked at the text that had just been announced with a happy sound. His heart made a little flip-flop when he read it. Finally, Jensen had invited him to his home. The final proof of trust and faith. And the remaining summer was still three weeks long. Nowhere I would rather be.

***

His suitcase was packed, just like his carry-on. Once again, Lucy would take care of the house. Jared had already brought her a small gift basket from the Italian deli store to say thanks and had given her a great big hug. She had a crush on him2, like half of the women in Marble Falls, although, other than most of the other women, she knew that Jared was gay. Yet, that didn't stop her from flirting and taking a fancy at Jared.

Punctual to the minute, the cab was honking. One last time, Jared made sure that everything was in order, the windows closed, the backdoor locked and the stove and coffee maker switched off before he took his luggage and climbed into the cab. The driver was one of his former pupils' dads, and they talked about Celia for a while, before they shared their thoughts on sports and music. “That Jensen Ackles is quite a talent,” Jim noted as one of Jensen's older songs was playing on the radio and Jared hummed to the tune softly.

Comments like that made him proud of his friend and he flashed Jim a grin. “Yeah, he is.”

“Rumor has it that the wheelchair-bound guy in the haunted house is his brother.”

Jared lifted his brow and shrugged nonchalantly. “Not sure about that.” He wasn't exactly sure how the news had leaked and made a mental note to tell Jensen. Not that it could be changed, or that it was a problem. Sophie was smart enough to not comment on anything and Josh could defend himself or his brother if needed. Despite his handicap, he wasn't a weakling or someone who needed to be protected. In fact, he had resumed his job as a lawyer and was coping very well.

Thankfully, they reached Austin airport before Jim could question Jared even more and he wished him a good flight once Jared had paid his fare. While he was waiting at the baggage drop-off, Jared's mind wandered back to a flight a year ago. Chicago and Christopher. Advertisements and magazines. He was glad that today, he would get the real Jensen Ackles, the private man with his heart made of gold. Yet, he still bought the recent issue of People and Entertainment Weekly, reading the gossip, looking at Jensen's smiling face, smiling when he read a small interview in which he talked about the bracelet. It's from someone very special from my past, present, and future, Jensen had said. It caused a weird feeling inside, sending warmth through his veins. Jared knew Jensen meant that on a purely platonic basis. Yet, there was a picture in his mind, of Jensen and him, as old men, still bound together by that tight, strong, unusual bond of friendship, holding hands while sitting in their wheelchairs because they were too weak to walk. If it could be like that, Jared would die a happy man.

***

Holding a sign that read Mr. P in his hand, Jensen was barely to recognize, having disguised himself again. Today, he wore a black wig with a sunhat on top of it, shades, and a horrible mustache. Jared couldn't help but laugh out loud when he wrapped his arms around Jensen and held him tight. Last time they had seen each other face to face was at LAX after their wonderful camping weekend. Then, Jensen had looked happy and relaxed. Now, he looked tired, with dark rings underneath his eyes, and while Jared was sure that Jensen was very happy to see him, the smile lacked the normal joy. “Hey.” He pressed his lips against Jensen's temple briefly, holding him a little tighter against his chest. “Great look.”

Jensen grumbled in mocked annoyance. “The moment I'm home, the mustache will be gone, don't worry.” He hated the mustache, but it was a good way to camouflage himself. It made him look very different, like a creepy nerd.

“I sure hope so.” Jared let go of Jensen, taking his suitcase while Jensen grabbed the small carry-on bag. “Do I have to bind my eyes while you drive us to your secret lair, Jen?” Jared bantered. Jensen still had been very vague about the location of his retreat the last time Jared had asked him about it.

As if thinking about it, Jensen scrunched up his face, thinking that it would be quite hot if he had Jared blindfolded and at his mercy. “No. I trust you,” Jensen then acknowledged very seriously. “No more secrets, Jay. I know you would never give away the details of my sanctuary.”

It was good that Jensen trusted him like that. With his privacy, with his life. That he had so much faith in him. It gave Jared hope. Perhaps, one day, Jensen could trust him enough to let go and be what they were meant to be. Walking side by side, they soon reached Jensen's SUV and after Jensen had stored Jared's luggage in his trunk, he started the engine. “You hungry? There's a really good diner not that far away.”

“Not really. I had a sandwich on the plane, it was enough. Let's go home, Jen.”

Nodding and not being one bit sad that he could drive home straight away, Jensen headed towards I70. After a few miles, Jensen stopped at a parking area to finally get rid of the sunhat and wig.

“Much better,” Jared commented on the change, flashing his best friend a wide smile. While Jensen was driving, Jared shared his news, and once it was done, it was Jensen's turn. He would break the big news later after Jared had settled, had his shower and they had both filled their bellies.

Eventually, silence settled between them, but it wasn't awkward. They were so close that they could share comfortable moments of silent togetherness, sharing the odd glance or a gentle touch.

“Why Colorado? Why not stay in Texas?” They had talked a good deal about Jensen's secret retreat before, but weirdly, Jared had never asked him that.

“Someone from the industry invited me to their house in the Rockies years ago. I fell in love with the area instantly. The mountains, the forests, the streams and lakes, the animals. The scent and colors. It's so different, so peaceful. It's a perfect retreat. No one bothers me, Jay.” He smiled at his best friend. “Apart from my family, there are only three people who know that I'm living there; my agent, because he has to find me, Jason, and now you.”

“Not even Steve?” Jared had always thought that Jensen and Steve were really close.

“No, not even Steve. Since he is my only LA-bound real friend, it's enough that he knows where he can find me there.”

Jared nodded. In a way it made sense, yet he knew that Jensen showed him real faith today. “You know your secret is safe with me.”

“Otherwise I wouldn't have brought you here. I know that you only have my best interest at heart.”

Warmth spread through Jared, but he didn't comment on it anymore. He let the silence settle between them, letting his eyes glide left and right over the beautiful landscape, but also watching Jensen driving, experienced yet also very nonchalantly.

After some more minutes, Jensen left the interstate, took a turn right, followed the road for a bit, took another turn left. For a while, they followed a swiftly running river, then he took another turn right. The road was narrow, the asphalt cracked in many places, fringed by forest on both sides. Then, Jensen took another turn left and stopped in front of a locked gate. It looked unimpressive, almost old, a little rusty. “We're almost home, Jay.” The driveway up the house was freshly paved. For a while, there was forest on both sides, not dark, but a mixture of conifers and leaf trees, and after maybe half a mile, it opened up, gave way to paddocks assembled around a barn on one side and a gorgeous house on the other.

“It's beautiful,” Jared complimented, looking in awe at the sea of flowers, at the handful of horses with their shiny fur grazing happily on the lush green grass and the mansion that was built from strong, weathered logs. “How did you find it?”

“It used to be a small ranch. But the ground was never big enough, not for farming nowadays anyways. I offered the farmer a fair price, and he took my money. His daughter Lenora stayed with her husband Jackson. He is a bear of a man, Jared, as tall as you but twice as broad,” Jensen explained as he parked his SUV in front of his garage. “She takes care of the house, does the cleaning, laundry, and grocery shopping for me, and Jackson takes care of the horses and grounds.

“They know who you are?” Jared asked, wondering why Jensen hadn't mentioned them before.

“Yeah, they do. But they are loyal. I pay them well and they have their own nice cabin.” Jensen pointed towards the wood, where a small house was fenced by a semicircle of smaller trees. “They are good people. Trustworthy and they don't really mind other people's business. Although Lenora grew up here, she respects that the ranch belongs to me now. They don't have many family and friends, and they only bring them up here when I'm gone. Which is often enough. Last year, I only spent three weeks here.”

Jared looked at him oddly. The thought that strangers were living on Jensen's property made him a little uncomfortable, and he didn't even know why. Of course, he needed help with the house and the grounds. Even someone who would be living here around the year would need help with a property like that.

“Jay? You okay?” Jensen placed his hand on Jared's wrist. A weird thought hit Jensen. “Do you mind that they are here?”

Jared waved his hand dismissively. “No, not really. It just feels strange and it makes me a little uncomfortable, and I can't even tell you why. Of course, you need help here, Jen. I never thought it was such an impressive place. I thought it was a nice cozy cabin in the mountains. Surrounded by a garden with a pool. Not several acres of land with a barn, paddocks, and horses on it.”

“There are chickens, too.” Jensen grinned like a little boy. “Two dogs and a handful of cats. I um, hope that you will like it, despite Lenora and Jackson.” Jensen's tired face looked at him almost pleadingly.

“It's paradise on Earth, Jen,” Jared said as he finally got out of the car and stretched his legs. He met Jensen back at the truck and placed his hand on his waist. “I don't mind Lenora and Jackson. I bet they're cool. I think I was just surprised to find out that you had staff here.” He paused, letting his eyes once more glide over the grounds. “I can't wait to go horseback riding with you, Jen.” Finally, Jared brought Jensen against his body and enveloped him in a gentle hug. “To swim with you in that pond and to hike with you through the woods. To lie with you in a heap of straw in that barn. To be with you,” he whispered. “Thanks for bringing me to your safe haven.”

Returning the hug, Jensen pressed his head into the crook of Jared's neck, where it fitted so perfectly. “No one I would rather share it with. Now come.” As a matter of course, Jensen took Jared's hand and his heavy luggage, tugging him with him along the graveled way leading to the front door.

Surprisingly cool air smelling of wood and flowers hit Jared as he stepped in. There was lots of wood and glass. Timeless furniture. Leafy plants and flowers. Shelves full of books, DVDs, and CDs. Pictures on the wall and on the shelves, of Jensen with friends and family, and Jensen with Jared. It made Jared smile. Everything was expensive and of high quality, yet tasteful. There was a gym, pool, and sauna in the basement, and a small studio. Five bedrooms with en-suite bathrooms. “That's yours, Jay,” Jensen finally announced at the end of the tour. “The room next is the master bedroom, so I'm just a few steps away. No matter what, you can always drop by, no matter how late it is. Don't be shy.”

Jared stepped into the room that would be his home for the next three weeks. There was a bunch of summer flowers on a small coffee table, a narrow chest of drawers with a flat-screen TV on it, and a big king-size bed. Landscape photos, probably from the area, maybe taken by Jensen himself, because he had developed a liking for taking photos. “It's beautiful, Jen.” He stepped into Jensen's space and put his arms around Jensen, pressing him to his chest gently. “Thanks for having me.”

“Thanks for coming, Jared.”

***

Jared first unpacked his luggage, then treated himself with a very long shower in the luxurious bathroom. Once more, he was aware of Jensen's wealth and of his own, very moderate income, and although they had talked about it before, he felt slightly intimidated by it. He tried to shake the thought off, hoping that the balance on their bank accounts really would never be a problem in their friendship. He toweled himself off, brushed his teeth, and, with only the towel wrapped around his narrow waist, he stepped back into the room. A cooled bottle of spring water was now sitting on the coffee table next to a fresh glass and a plate with three cookies, adorned by a yellow post-it with a smiley. It was Aunt Betty's recipe, and it made Jared smile as he took a huge bite of it, remembering the kids they used to be on the day when they first met. He poured himself half a glass of water and finished it in one thirsty gulp before he changed into beige shorts and a tight dark green tee. Then he moved downstairs, where he could hear Jensen rummaging in the kitchen.

Cutting zucchini, Jensen was so occupied in his work that he didn't even notice how Jared watched him for a while. Only when Jared stepped closer did he look up. The mustache was thankfully gone and Jensen was back to his stunning self. “Thanks for the cookies.”

“I'll never forget the day you came into our backyard, Jay. A scrawny, shy seven-year-old kid. How you pressed this can of cookies against your skinny chest as if it was a life jacket. How you were looking at Josh, my friends, and me, hoping you could be a part of the gang. How much you needed a friend.” Jared had never known, never guessed that he had been so obvious. “I knew I wanted to take you under my wing the moment I saw you, Jay. I knew you were special.” He looked into Jared's beautiful hazel eyes. The mirror to his soul. A soul that was made from kindness and warmth. The most beautiful soul in the world. “I was right.”

Overwhelmed with emotions, Jared swallowed hard. Jensen was far better with words, at least with words like that. It came with writing songs and being someone else in movies. “Jen, I -”

“No, Jay. That was all for you. No need to say something back.” He let go of the knife, and tugged Jared against his own body. “Thanks for your friendship, Jay. For keeping your promise. For that second chance and the past year.” He squeezed him once and kissed his cheek. “Now, how about you help me cut all those vegetables for our barbecue.”

***

Jensen had laid the table outside. There were countless thick candles burning in high, colored glasses, and rustic lamps on the wooden beam ceiling. Ice-cold beer and a velvety red wine from California. More cookies for dessert. Smiles, laughter, lingering looks, and simple, yet significant touches. It was enough to finally let go and get his plan started. 

He excused himself and walked into his office, where he had prepared a small note on a printed-out photograph. Admittedly, it was one of the most childish and ridiculous things he probably had ever done, but he was sure it would lead Jared right to where he wanted to have him. By his side in his wonderfully big and warm bed. Sneaking into Jared's room, he placed the note on his pillow, before he walked into his own room less conspicuously where he hid the freshly printed copy of his new CD, wrapped into strong dark red paper, underneath the second pillow, the one that was meant for Jared.

When Jensen stepped out of the patio again, Jared was gone, and for a millisecond, Jensen panicked. Then though, he saw him in the distance, a vague outline in the darkness. He was still not really comfortable in the night, and wasn't that weird for someone living as secluded as him, but it wasn't too bad here. The house was lit and on that night by the river, Jensen had learned that the moon and the stars were his friends. That they provided him with light and gave comfort. And that, whenever Jared was with him, there was no need to be scared, neither of the night, nor of anything else.

He walked over the lawn, until he finally joined Jared, curling his arm around him and leaning against him. His best friend. His pillar of strength, who brought his own arm around Jensen instantly. He smiled. One of the songs on his new album was called Stargazing and in a way, this song became true now. Two friends being swallowed by darkness, yet not afraid, because they were together, looking for light that guided them in the right direction.

“I've never seen so many stars at once, Jen,” Jared said with awe in his voice. “It's amazingly beautiful.”

“It is,” Jensen acknowledged.

For a while, they stood together, still like stone statues, their faces lifted to the sky, a velvety black with sparkling silver diamonds. Then, Jared repressed a yawn. It had been a long day, and flying always made him tired.

“Go to bed, Jay,” Jensen prompted gently. He led the way, his heart quickening its pace with every step they took. They cleared away the remaining tableware, and, once Jensen had locked the doors, he climbed the stairs, Jared once more following him. “Good night.” He stepped closer, pulling Jared into a soft good night hug. He never would be tired of hugging Jared. “Sleep tight.”

“Night Jen.” Jared smiled at his friend, watched how Jensen opened and closed the door to his bedroom, feeling a little melancholic, the force of the hug, despite it being so soft, still tingling through his body. He opened the door to his own room, switching on the light. The air was cool and fresh, smelling of flowers and mowed lawn and he stepped out of his clothes, throwing them on the armchair, changing into a short cotton pajama, before he disappeared into the bathroom to perform very quick evening rituals.

Only when Jared came back, did he notice the piece of paper lying on his bed. It was a picture of a larger-than-life squirrel, sitting on a soft-looking pillow. Its fur was worn out. It had been showered with love, definitely had meant a lot to its owner.

I was in very good hands with Jensen, Jared read, smiling. I would love you to cuddle me because I missed you a lot, but you know that Jensen is afraid of the dark, and because I'm such a good squirrel, I need to stay with him. So I guess, you need to come visit Jensen in his room. And maybe stay there, always and forever?

Love, Happy

A wave of dizziness hit Jared, and he swayed slightly as the meaning of the words sunk in. But no. No. Jensen had been clear. No relationships. No love. Just friendship. Yet, what else could these words mean? Jared pinched himself, just to be sure. Reread the message. The words were still there, forming the same sentences, with exactly the same meaning. Maybe he had fallen asleep on his feet, was dreaming already? Jared slapped himself, as hard as he could. Once more read the message. It still ended with the clear invitation to visit Jensen in his room and to stay there, always and forever.

Jared swallowed. His throat was dry, and when he walked to the coffee table to pour himself some water, he noticed how shaky his legs were. He took the note again. Read it a fourth time. Still didn't really believe the message. Yet, Jensen wouldn't make fun of him. Never. Not about something like that. Something so heavy and life-changing, for both of them.

Gently, Jared placed the note onto the cover of his bed, and got Sven out of his carry-on bag. Of course, he had brought him. Then, he stepped out of the room. Hesitated a second before he closed the door. Took a deep breath before he covered the little distance to Jensen's door. Waited two, three, four heartbeats, Sven pressed against his chest, his hands sweaty. He really was dizzy now.

Finally, he knocked on Jensen's door, stepped in after he heard him call. Stared at the room speechless. A soft glow illuminated it, from at least twenty candles in small glasses. Jensen was lying in bed, the cover pulled over his bowed legs, Happy sitting on his chest.

“Hello, Jay.” Jensen looked at him like he had never looked at Jared before. At least not that Jared had noticed it. Vulnerable, as if he had stripped himself bare, not his body, but his soul. Full of love and hope. He reached out his hand and Jared took it. Climbed into the bed, found himself pressed against Jensen's chest.

“Hello, Happy,” Jared said, taking Happy back while returning Sven to its rightful owner. “I see, Jensen was very good to you.”

“Of course, he was,” Jensen said, in a higher voice than normal.

“I read your message, Happy. What does it mean?” Jared locked eyes with Jensen. “What does it mean, Jen?”

“It means what it said, Jay.” He reached out his hand, placing it above Jared's heart. “If you want me. Always and forever.” Jensen looked shy and unbelievably hopeful.

“But, what about your career?” He would do a lot for Jensen, but he wasn't sure if he could lie for him. He didn't lie and most of all, he wouldn't bear seeing him with arm candy, while it should be him on that arm.

“I'll come out, Jay. I already talked to my agent. Everything's ready, the statement already filmed. I also decided to concentrate on my music. The music industry seems a little kinder than the movie industry when it comes to homosexual artists. Besides, I want to have time for my beautiful boyfriend.”

A sigh escaped Jared's lips. He couldn't believe his ears. It seemed like a dream coming true.

“Look under the pillow, Jay,” Jensen prompted, and curiously, Jared lifted the pillow where he found an almost quadratic gift in dark red paper. He was sure it was a CD, and when he unwrapped the present with slightly trembling hands, his heart skipped a beat. “Always”, Jared read. Was that thin sound really his voice? 

He opened the CD, removed the booklet. A stunningly beautiful photo of Jensen, and a dedication that took Jared's breath away.

That's our story, Jay.

Our hopes and our dreams, our past, present, and future.

That's love, always and forever.

Tears shot into his eyes, and whenever he was with Jensen, he wasn't ashamed of them. He skimmed the titles and lyrics, and the first tears escaped. Frightened Boy told his story, Sleepover was about their most special moments as boys. Friendship and Love was the song Jensen had sung on that day by the river. There was a song called By the River, which basically told the story of that night, and Stargazing, a song about two lovers watching the starlit night. Another song was called Cookies and a song about a young boy who was mocked because of his modeling and only was respected by his best friend came by the title You see me. Forgiveness was once more written from Jared's point of view. Universe was about how much Jared meant to Jensen. And then, there was the last song on the album. Always and Forever.

Jared read the whole lyrics. It was about a man, asking the love of his life, his best friend, for his hand in marriage. Please say I do, Jared read, so we can be always and forever.

A big, transparent blotch fell onto the booklet. This wasn't a real proposal, was it? Jensen wouldn't propose. Not now. They hadn't even started dating, had not even had one night together. Yet, in a way, they had dated for the last year. Had danced around each other, had shared so many more intimate moments than sex. They were different, maybe didn't even need to date. They were friendship and love, always and forever, and had always been.

“Please say I do,” Jensen sang, his voice shaking badly. “So we can be always and forever. Always and forever.”

And then, Jensen opened his palm, a white-gold band shining in his hand. “Let us be always and forever, Jared.”

There was no reason to hesitate. This was Jensen, his best friend. The only person in his life he trusted completely. With everything. The man who was his universe, the light of his life. He had known him for many years. Knew about his fears. His hopes. Realized that he was Jensen's hope, just like Jensen was his own hope. “I do, Jen. Let us be what we are meant to be.”

Smiling, Jensen slipped the ring over Jared's finger, stroking the digits softly. “We still can take our time if you want to, Jay. We don't have to fly to Vegas tomorrow and make it official. It's jus-”

Soft velvety lips silenced him, a curious tip of the tongue knocked at his lips, and was given entry quickly. On a scale of ten, it was not even a five, that first kiss they shared. Jensen was not a really experienced kisser. He only had kissed Nick and two or three other guys, had never fooled around with strangers, because of his reputation. And kissing in front of the camera for roles was something different. And Jared? He had kissed countless men, but never like that. Not really. It had always been part of foreplay, yet had never been a sign of love. Now, it wasn't foreplay. It wasn't about sex. It was about love. About sealing another promise, like the one decades ago that they would see each other again. It was full of curiosity and sweetness, tongues dancing with each other, sighs and moans escaping from deep in their throats, while fingers danced over smooth tanned or freckled skin. It was happiness that exploded in their bellies, like fireworks on New Year’s Eve, causing neverending eruptions that sent tingles into their fingertips and toes. They only slowly ceased when Jared and Jensen stopped kissing, when they brought their foreheads together and they breathed in and out in unison, while their fingers still stroked random spots of skin on their other half's body.

Tears were blurring Jensen's eyes when Jared opened his own just a slit. A tired finger wiped them away. “No need to cry, Jen,” Jared whispered, smiling.

“It's tears of happiness. For the first time in a decade or so, I feel that I'm finally free. That I can be myself. That what I am is good, not wrong. That I am no freak or pervert. Just a normal man who loves another man, though the man he loves is extraordinary. That's how you make me feel, Jared. Normal, human, and free. And it's the most amazing feeling in the world.”

It was good that he made Jensen feel that way, and chastely, Jared kissed some of the tears that were still wetting Jensen's face, grateful that Jensen could be that vulnerable around him. He smiled even broader, felt a finger poking into the dimple that was showing, while the other was almost buried into the pillow.

“Always wanted to do that,” Jensen admitted. Suddenly, he was almost as tired as Jared looked, the many emotions having him drained far more than the ride to Denver. “Even as a kid. Always wondered if you could feel them on your skin when you smiled.”

Jared hadn't known that. “Sounds like you like them as much as I like your freckles.” There was quite a big popularity of freckles scattered around his nose, and Jared used his index finger to brush over them gently. “We're just special to each other, Jen. Very special.” Blinking at Jensen tiredly, he yawned.

“We should call it a day. Let me just blow out the candles.” He took the CD that was lying in the dale between the two pillows and placed it on a funnily shaped coffee table, then blew out the candles. The air was heavy with smoke, and Jensen opened one of the windows briefly, taking in deep breaths of night air while watching Jared, who had made himself comfortable, his fingers moving tiredly over Happy's fur. After a minute, Jensen closed the window again and drew the curtains, then leaned over to Jared. “How about I put Sven and Happy into the armchair, and you cuddle me instead?”

Jared blinked once. “Sounds like a good plan. I'd rather cuddle with a breathing live-sized Jensen anyways.” In wonder, he looked at the beautiful band Jensen had slipped onto his fingers, still not really believing that he was engaged now. To Jensen Ackles of all men. It was a breathtaking, overwhelming thought that would surely take a while to sink in.

Gently, Jensen took the cuddly toys, placing them both on the armchair. “Does that make me the moose or the squirrel?” Jensen bantered as he slipped into the bed, scooting as close as possible, until their torsos were pressed together.

“Squirrel,” Jared said matter of factly. “You're the smaller one. And squirrels love nuts. Something sweet. Something our cookies are made of.”

Jensen scoffed, yet didn't object. He really loved all that stuff, and if he gave up modeling and acting, he didn't have to count the calories that strictly any longer and a cookie a day, maybe even two, wouldn't hurt anyways, would it? “That makes you the moose. Quite fitting,” Jensen murmured, brushing over Jared's long neck. “Tall body, long neck, and warm brown eyes.” 

“We should sleep now, my little squirrel,” Jared suggested tiredly. “That was a damn long, very emotional day for both of us.”

“Yeah,” Jensen agreed, sighing happily and nuzzling his head into Jared's chest. “Love you, sweet moose.” 

“Love you too, Jen,” Jared mumbled, yet with all his heart, placing his hand against Jensen's cheek lazily. “You made me very happy today, and somehow I think that from now on, all days will be happy, as long as we're together, even the difficult ones.” 

Sighing contentedly, Jensen hoped that too, realizing that finally, hope was back in all its force, making him believe that with Jared by his side, he could muster every rain and storm.

Their lips touched chastely, their fingers stroked over each other's body, the movements quickly getting uncoordinated as Jared and Jensen fell asleep. Jared's last thought was that if that was what always and forever meant, he hoped that he would have it for a damn long time.

The End